Relationships

How ED Can Teach You To Have Great Sex

How ED Can Teach You To Have Great Sex

Erectile Dysfunction can be fixed.

Viagra and Cialis Get You Rock Hard, But They Can’t Change Your Life. These Ideas Can… 

by Mike Rosen

 

Of the 26 men on my current caseload as a sex and relationships therapist, 20 of them came to my office complaining of “erectile dysfunction.”  These men are united in the fear that they will never again have a fulfilling sex life.

Here’s the catch: most of these men aren’t suffering from ED nearly as much as they’re suffering from excessive expectations, and far from ruining their sex life these unpredictable erections hold the key to unlocking the hottest and most connected sex of their lives. 

These guys tell me things like “my dick and I aren’t on the same page” and “my cock doesn’t work.”   If this sounds like you, it’s important to realize the things you’re saying—all those midnight “oh you work now?” jabs and the mid-coital “where are you when I need you?”—aren’t weird or abnormal.

Over 40% of men report being dissatisfied with their sex lives, and almost every man (and their partners) have had trouble getting or maintaining an erection at some period in their lives. 

Your fears make sense, too. More than a receding hairline or dad bod, few things challenge the core of the man like an unresponsive penis. What once felt reliable now feels risky, and it starts to drive a wedge between you and your partner(s).

I get why you’re confused. You were told bills would be an issue, you knew there was nothing you could do to help the Knicks actually win a game, but this was supposed to be automatic, wasn’t it? Wasn’t that the whole problem with men? That they were too horny, too ready for sex, and too one-track-minded?

So, let’s set the record straight:  having an unpredictable erection doesn’t make you less of a man, you’re not resigned to being a sexual spectator for the rest of your life, and your dick isn’t “offline.” Far from it. Your cock has actually never been trying harder to reach you. It’s sending a very clear signal: please, please, please have better sex. 

What is Erectile Disorder?

Erectile disorder (we don’t call it erectile dysfunction anymore) is when you have trouble getting or staying hard for the duration of intercourse over a period of 6 months or more. We DO NOT give the diagnosis, however, if these unreliable erections can’t be better explained by relationship or life stressors. But you wouldn’t know that from watching television.

In 2015 alone, Cialis outspent ALL major pharmaceutical brands with $272 million in advertising. Viagra was a stiffy’s length behind at $232 million. That’s over $500,000,000 spent to convince you that any erection issue is a biomedical issue — and that’s just one year’s worth of ads. Assuming you’ve turned on a TV anytime since 2015 it follows that some of that advertising worked on you. 

There are, of course, medical explanations for erectile disorder: trauma or scar tissue, conditions that limit blood flow, and damaged nerves to name a few. A pill can often help with these issues, but not all ED is medical in origin. Part of the reason those ad spends were so successful (Viagra regularly brings in billions each year in sales) was that they didn’t have to work hard: most men have a tragically limited view of what sex can be.  American sex education is notoriously limited to biology, and glosses over subjects like intimacy, pleasure, and curiosity. Porn and mainstream media don’t exactly fill out the picture, so a lot of men (and women) separate sex from the rest of their lives. 

Viagra and Cialis fail men because they don’t change that paradigm.

Most guys take viagra, and still think they need to stick it in and cum as fast as possible before that little blue pill wears off. It doesn’t help them have better sex or feel more connected to their partner (40% of men are dissatisfied with the sex they’re having). It doesn’t help them understand the problem. And it sure as shit doesn’t work if they stop taking the pill (50% of men simply stop taking the medicine even if it’s working).

That’s because Viagra and Cialis can’t undo the conditioning that ED causes, nor do they ease performance anxiety or the concerns of “what if it doesn’t work this time?” In fact, pharmaceutical intervention has been shown to only be equally effective to psychotherapy, and most effective when combined. 

The majority of men I work with come in thinking that sex exists in a vacuum, and that it can be siloed off. They think their relationships are suffering because sex has become difficult, not the other way around.

This siloing is convenient. It allows them to skip the more complex work of self-exploration. They skip the stuff that really unlocks sex. They don’t think about what they want from sex because they don’t realize they have options. They don’t consider factors like safety, confidence, or even their own sexual preferences. 

If you wake up with a tent in your pants some days, or if you can get it up with some partners but not others, then it’s probably not just your biology that you’re coming up against. It’s your psychology, too.  It’s true. If you’re having a hard time getting hard, it’s unlikely that there’s an issue with erectile functioning. It’s much more likely that you have normal erectile functioning and excessive, misguided expectations.

Your perceived weakness is about to become your greatest weapon. 

How To Fix Unpredictable Erections—And Have the Best Sex You’ve Ever Had

Alright, here’s the part you’ve been waiting for. It’s a step-by-step guide to helping your little Stella get its groove back. This doesn’t all unfold in a straight line, but these are some of the actions you can take to start addressing ED. 

I know this is scary and weird. I know this seems insurmountable. That’s why the single most important thing you can do is humanize this. Nothing you’re experiencing is alien. Nothing you’re experiencing is your fault. What you’re going through is normal and even expected. You have to just keep reminding yourself of what’s real and what isn’t. Our society and culture are practically designed to block you from intimacy. So this isn’t about you “not being able to fix yourself.” It’s way bigger than that. Ok, here we go…

Step One: END THE PASS/FAIL TEST

If you’re struggling with erections, you’re probably looking at every sexual encounter as an exam. That’s putting way too much pressure on a few inches of flesh. If you’re going to have a shot at healing this then you have to take sex entirely off the table for a little while. Porn, too. Yeah, even the photos. Yes, even the ones you thought you deleted. All of this “omg am I hard or am I not hard” doesn’t leave a whole lot of room for joy and fun.

Ultimately, ED is a couple’s issue and not an individual’s. But how do you tell your partner about this? Just be honest. Make it about both of you. Your partner can play a major role in this healing. In fact, partners can be one of the best tools in your toolkit. Try something like, “Hey, I want to get back to having incredible sex with you. I want to connect with you without anxiety, and I never want you to think that you’re not enough for me. As part of that process, I need to take sex off the table for a little while. I want to explore other ways of pleasing you…are you willing to help me?”  They’re going to have feelings about this. Hear them out, but be firm.

Step Two: BEGIN THE GREAT RECKONING

Your “regular” life is connected to your sex life. I’m sorry. I know you don’t want to hear that, but you can’t silo it off anymore. Maybe that worked when you were a teenager and got hard every time Britney Spears came on the radio, but life changes, hun, and your body isn’t immune to what’s going on around you.

It’s time to look deeper at what’s actually happening for you psychologically when you switch on that D’angelo playlist. You’re going to want a journal for this. A good therapist who is grounded in sexuality could also be invaluable. 

Look for powerful patterns.

  • Study the game film of your entire sex life. List all the times getting a hard-on wasn’t difficult. What did those moments/partners/situations have in common? Were your partners strangers or long-term commitments?  Were you at your own home or theirs? Were they blonde or brunette? What was going on in your life at that time? Were you financially secure? How did you feel about your own body and fitness? What was your family life like?  Did you like your life? 
  • Do the same for all the times when getting a hard-on was difficult. 
  • Go through these lists and look for patterns. Maybe you have a hard time getting hard in long-term relationships. Maybe you realize that all the times you’ve struggled with erections have been in the 6 months following a death event or changing jobs. Maybe you only get aroused when the Yankees are in the playoffs. Whatever the pattern might be, it’s important to know it and take actions to address any associated distress. 

Fantasize better.

Most men haven’t really thought about what they want sexually beyond a few porn fantasies.  Also, most men only rely on one or two senses during sex even though they have five. You don’t have to be like most men. List all the things you enjoy or are curious about sexually on one side of the page. Eventually, knowing these things will allow you to explore more with your partner(s).

  • Do you like cuddling? Do you like moving slow or fast? Lights on or off? What are some of the things you’ve always wanted to try? 
  • Write the list of things you DON’T enjoy. Maybe you don’t actually like getting head, maybe you’ve never really been into dirty talk. These are good things to know. 
  • Use these lists to write out as many “ideal sex scenarios” as you can. Then copy that list into a new document. Under each one write a few steps you’d need to take to make those dreams come true. (e.g. “ask my partner” “attend therapy to work out some stress” “introduce myself to the girl at the gym” “buy some handcuffs”) 

Life pressures.

  • You want to keep sex separate from the rest of your life. You want to seal it off because that would keep it safe and manageable, and because that’s what our society does. Culturally in the West, we have developed a way of thinking about sex as if it’s some other part of life, like there’s life and then there’s sex, but that’s not true. 
  • Conduct an honest appraisal of the type of stress you’re under in the rest of your life…Look at how/when this stress started relative to your struggles in the bedroom. How does your partner’s response to your sexuality make you feel? Are you worried about losing him/her/them if you can’t get it up? The stress you’re feeling in your relationship, your job, or around your father’s health could be the source of all of this. 

Step Three: LET’S GET IT ON

Now that you’ve looked at the social and psychological side of things it’s time to get physical again.

Engorge your concepts of pleasure.

  • The greatest mistake most men make is thinking that sex is about orgasm. That’s depressingly limited. Unless you’re only having sex to procreate, sex is about pleasure. Cumming is pleasurable, yes, but sacrificing all other forms of pleasure for the orgasm isn’t doing anyone any favors.
  • What is pleasure? Good question. Grab a tissue and run it gently over the back of your hand. That feel good? That’s pleasure. Turn on an ASMR video on youtube with headphones in. That feel good? Pleasure. What could sex look like for you if it wasn’t all about cumming?

Practice pleasing your pleasure parts with Sensate Focus.

You’ve spent your whole life focusing on dick-centered pleasure… The rest of your body has nerves, too. Sensate focus is about pleasure without “sex.” At this stage, you’re just exploring. You’re not trying to get hard. So don’t sweat it. 

  • Without touching your genitals, run hands along your body, have your partner blindfold you and kiss your neck and thighs… just FEEL. This is not about getting an erection. It’s about sensation. So even if you do get hard, keep going with the exercise. Do not try to have sex.
  • Practice vocalizing when something feels good, if you want more of something, or if it’s unpleasant.
  • Try a night of penetration-free touch. Have you ever just let your partner kiss your chest for 5 minutes? Not intense enough? Have them pour hot, body-friendly wax on your inner thigh. Need more intensity? Research impact play and breath play. 
  • After a few sessions like this, if you’re starting to feel less pressure when it comes to playtime, you can introduce genital touch. Again, this isn’t about getting hard. And don’t let this turn into sex. It’s about feeling.

Man up / Man down, not man overboard

When you’re dealing with unpredictable erections one of the most challenging parts is the fear that takes over when you start losing your erection. This exercise will help teach you how to be present in those moments, how to retrain your attention, and how to stop beating yourself up.

  • Whether on your own or with your partner, practice getting hard, and actually practice losing your erection. Stimulate yourself until you’re erect and then just stop. Let it go down. Notice which parts of your body are lit up with pleasure. Feel your heartbeat. Learn what it’s like for your cock to go down without it being an emergency.
  • Repeat the cycle a few times. Don’t try to bring yourself to orgasm.
  • You’ll likely notice that soon you can go through many rounds of this. Your partner might even find it really hot to participate or watch.
  • Like sensate focus, this is about body awareness and pleasure without destination or shame.

Step Four: INTEGRATION AND PENETRATION

  • Go forth with a pleasure mindset. Think about all those things you realized you NEED to enjoy sex. Ask for all those things you wrote that you wanted. Speak up if you don’t like something. Ask your partner about what they like.
  • It makes sense that you want to give your partner the best orgasm they’ve ever had. But what if you also gave them the best head they’ve ever had? Or filled their (or your) role play fantasy? Test out foreplay, fingers, mouths, toys, sounds, smells, and tastes.
  • Introduce penetration slowly. Just for a few seconds or minutes at first. Remember, you have so many tricks and tools to please your partner if your erection goes down.
  • If penetration happens, that’s great, but by that time you’ll have experienced so much pleasure it’ll be the cherry on top and not the whole damn experience. If you lose your erection, laugh, grab a toy, and keep going. It’s fine. You’re still an incredible partner, a talented lover, and very very much still a man.
Sources: 
  • Gambescia, N., Weeks, G. R., & Hertlein, K. M. (2015). A clinician’s guide to systemic sex therapy (2nd ed.). Routledge.
  • Kleinplatz, P. J. (2004). Beyond sexual mechanics and hydraulics: Humanizing the discourse surrounding erectile dysfunction. Journal of Humanistic Psychology, 44(2), 215–242. https://doi.org/10.1177/0022167804263130
  • Simopoulos, E. F., & Trinidad, A. C. (2013). Male erectile dysfunction: Integrating psychopharmacology and psychotherapy. General Hospital Psychiatry, 35(1), 33–38. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.genhosppsych.2012.08.008
  • Velten, J., & Margraf, J. (2017). Satisfaction guaranteed? How individual, partner, and relationship factors impact sexual satisfaction within partnerships. PLOS ONE, 12(2), e0172855. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0172855
  • Wentzell, E. (2017). How did erectile dysfunction become “Natural”? A review of the critical social scientific literature on medical treatment for male sexual dysfunction. The Journal of Sex Research, 54(4–5), 486–506. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2016.1259386

Stop Saying “Yes” when its clearly a “No”

Make the choice to stop doing it. Literally chose to stop. Period.

Stop saying yes to relationships you know are a no.

Stop saying yes to people you don’t want to date.

Stop swiping right when it’s a left.

Stop saying yes to someone who treats you like a massive maybe.

Stop saying yes to partners who don’t share your values or sense of humour.

Stop saying yes to mediocre connections and communication.

Stop saying yes to mediocre, half-ass sex in your relationship.

Stop saying yes to dating people you don’t respect, who don’t inspire you and call you forward to grow.

Stop saying yes to ‘acquaintances’ who are clearly a no.

Stop saying yes to jobs you hate, bosses who cross the line and projects that leave you sitting in your car white knuckling the steering wheel while yelling at the top of your lungs cause you can’t fucking take working there anymore and you’re on the verge of a breakdown…

Stop saying yes to working for companies you don’t like, making products you would never use, and services that leave you feeling like a total fraud.

Stop. Making. Everyone. Happy. But. YOU.

Look, I get it. You have bills to pay, a family to provide for, and a future to build.

But who’s future are you building? The one you want or the one someone else has asked you to do?

So how do we shift? How do we be more selfish and choose ourselves?

Here’s the deal: everyone is selfish. All the time.

However, most people spend the majority of their time and energy trying to create the illusion they’re not.

They find jobs, causes, partners and friends all to create the illusion that they are selfless. They surround themselves with people who constantly need them, people who will reaffirm that they are a needed, important, and ‘good’ person.

But for those who want to lean into the discomfort of choosing themselves and start saying yes to the things that matter, there are a few things we need to know.

  1. What Being Selfish Is and Isn’t.

Being selfish is not about spiting people, intentionally hurting others, going out of your way to offend people, or recklessly choosing yourself at the expense of others (neglecting children, physically endangering others because of your behaviour).

Being selfish IS choosing to set good boundaries, being self aware, respecting what you need to perform and show up for the people you love most.

Healthy selfishness is the understanding that when you take care of your own needs first, you can better provide for the people who really matter to you.

2. Know That Happiness And Success Require Selfishness

Want to know one of the biggest things holding you back from success, happiness, real love, intimacy, great sex, and connection?

You would rather be selfless than happy (or any of those other qualities).

I’ll prove it to you.

Let’s use happiness to make this simple.

Think about someone you love deeply. Maybe your wife, husband, children, or family member.

Picture them in your mind.

Now imagine saying to them “I’d rather be happy than have you.”

You’re in a compromised position aren’t you?

Most people can’t imagine saying that because it would make them seem selfish, mean, or look like a complete asshole.

You don’t want to admit that when it comes down to it, but you would chose someone else even if it cost you happiness.

Let’s take it one step further.

Think of that person who you love so much.

Now imagine asking them, “Would you rather see me happy or be with you?”

The majority of people (the ones who have healthy boundaries and aren’t so attached to you that they can’t live without you) are going to say, “I want you to be happy.”

Isn’t it ironic that the people we love most want US to be happy, yet we are constantly making choices just to appease them?

Here’s the cycle people get stuck in trying to avoid being seen as selfish:

We want to be happy –> happiness depends on us owning what we want –> we think what we want will hurt other people –> we compromise or settle –> we aren’t fully happy –> we realize this and want to be happy…. and so it goes.

So what do we do? How do we change the trend now that we know happiness and success require some selfishness?

We need to…

3. Learn How To Say No

First, think of someone who you think is very happy or very successful (those two things don’t always go hand in hand).

What makes them this way? Their bank account? Their perfectly straight, white teeth? Their nice car, big house, or the amount of travel they do every year?

Nope.

It’s their ability to say no to the shit that doesn’t interest them.

But this can be overwhelming at first. For most people, they have either become so skilled at saying yes to everything that the “No” facing them seems HUGE and insurmountable.

Because of this, we must start small.

When it comes to breaking the cycle, don’t try and make a big gesture (ie: getting divorced, buying the BMW you’ve always wanted and refusing to pick up the kids from school anymore so you can get in your 18 holes of golf after work. Those are just mid-life crisis indicators).

Start by noticing the small things you’re saying yes to on a daily basis that don’t work for you.

Maybe it’s a call with someone who just isn’t a priority (notice how you’d rather say ‘don’t have time for’).

Maybe it’s agreeing to go to the dinner with friends when what you know you need is a night in.

Start from these small “No” opportunities.

Start to shift your language to focus more on priorities than time. Where you would normally say “I don’t have time for that,” replace the word time with the word priorities. It will feel uncomfortable at first, but you get used to it.

Finally, get comfortable being selfish.

Do one thing every single week that’s only for you.

Schedule it, block it off, and make it a top priority.

Maybe its going to see a movie solo, doing a scotch tasting, catching a sports game, grabbing your camera and going on that photo hike you’ve been dreaming of.

Whatever the activity is, do it consistently and notice how you begin to shift.

Good luck on real challenge of choosing yourself first.

__________

Connor BeatonConnor Beaton  is the founder of ManTalks  — an international organization dedicated to promoting modern men’s growth, purpose, and fulfillment.

ManTalks has grown to cities across North America, with several new communities forming this year.

He is also a podcast host and international speaker, having shared his message on stages around North America including TEDx.

Connor has been featured on platforms like Forbes, HeForShe, The Good Men Project, UN Women, CBC, CNN, the National Post and more.

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The Real Reason Men "Can’t Handle" Powerful Women

The real reason women believe that men can’t handle our greatness? It gives us an excuse not to handle theirs.

 
When I first saw the headline, I balked a bit. Okay, a lot. Especially after clicking through and reading these ’10 reasons most men can’t handle a deep woman’. Because ‘deep women’ are honest! And know what they want! And are looking for a deep, intimate, real relationship!
 
In other words, the reasons are: because men are shallow, dishonest, distant, closed off, and incapable of real love. That’s what this viral article is really saying. And it’s not unique. It’s proliferated around the web, being republished over and over, in the few days since I first saw it, and there are thousands of others like it, with similar ideas about just how useless, unreliable, inherently disappointing, and frankly inferior men really are. The idea that most men can’t handle women, that men are letting us down, is everywhere these days.
 
Here’s the thing. These articles and ideas? They’re wrong. And they damage all of us in profoundly deep ways. In particular, these beliefs cause women to have terrible, unsatisfying and heartbreaking relationships with men.
 

This isn’t about men. It’s about women. It’s about unhealed pain. And these beliefs don’t just prevent healing that pain – they create even more of it.

 
Imagine an article titled ‘Most people can’t handle deep people.’ What would that really mean? It would mean that most people have difficulty meeting deep people where they are. Fully showing up, in the way that ‘deep’ people do, and want others to do, in the way that’s needed for true, satisfying intimacy.
 
In our culture, we have this story that men never show up for us. From the absent father and mid-life-crisis abandoner to the ‘best friend’ who secretly just wanted to get laid, the ghosting tinder date and the guy we lost our virginity to who didn’t know what a clitoris was, our very identity as women is shaped by stories of men letting us down.
 
Over, and over, and over.
 
Almost all of us have experienced that sense of abandonment, rejection and deep shame at some point in our lives. And in the context of a culture that tells the story that ‘good men are as rare as unicorns’, and that men are so unreliable, so unable to meet our needs that we must pretend we don’t need them, or need them ‘as much as a fish needs a bicycle’, that pain feels even more powerless, because it is tinged with fear.
 
The fear that no man will ever show up for us. That no man will ever provide us with what we need.
 
Now imagine an article titled ‘Most women can’t handle deep men.’ I don’t know about you, but I can already hear the outcry – that it’s misogyny, the hatred of women; that it’s just men who are angry they’ve lost a bit of power and privilege; that it’s sexist.
 
Those things are all correct. And it’s vital to understanding what happens when we as women believe that men will always let us down; to understanding why articles like the one mentioned go viral:
 

Because when we feel powerless, we have a choice. We can either look within, take our power back by taking responsibility for ourselves and our own actions, and heal… or we can blame someone else, and get angry.

 
The author of the original article wasn’t trying to be sexist against men. No, this belief doesn’t have hatred as it’s motivation – quite the opposite. It comes from powerlessness, which is based on fear that men will always let us down… And pain, from times that they have. It’s written from a place of woundedness, fear, and scarcity.
 
Not from a place of writing about reality.
 
Spoiler alert: men can handle deep, or strong, or smart, or otherwise powerful women just as well as women can handle powerful men.
 
But articles like that one, they act to confirm the belief, presented all around us, that men will never fully love us, for who we are, never give us what we need, never truly meet us.
 
And because we learn to believe that they can’t, our actions towards men change. We close our hearts, find what we expect, and end up in relationships where our deepness isn’t met, accepted and celebrated. It’s a self fulfilling prophecy, and a heartbreaking one: we learn to sabotage our relationships with men.
 
The truth is that, to the extent that individual men are able, based on maturity and experience, nine out of ten men are dying to share our real, deep emotional selves, to witness us, to be truly intimate. To be the one we choose, the one we give the chance to step up and be a great man, for the world, and for us.
 
Nine out of ten are so, so eager to do that. To love us. Truly and deeply. They won’t do it perfectly – no one can. But they will do it, they will give it their all, they will love us honestly.
 
If we let them.
__________
 
Hi! I’m Kathryn Hogan. If you liked this article, you’ll love my new book, which provides practical tools for overcoming the most common types of self sabotage. Your Big Life: Ground Rules to Get Unstuck and Stop Sabotaging Yourself, is coming now available! I’m a wellness and relationship coach, and author. I share powerful tools and mindful practices to help you live that Big, Rich, Satisfying life your heart knows you’re meant to be living.
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Man Of The Week – Michael Van Osch

Michael Van Osch is our newest Man Of The Week! Michael coaches men on acquiring dynamic leadership skills and developing fulfilling and lasting relationships and marriages. After twenty years in sports marketing and advertising, Michael opted for a change and trained to become a professional actor, subsequently touring the one-man Broadway show “Defending The Caveman” for four years across North America. A man that wears many hats and possesses many talents, today Michael is an entrepreneur living in Atlanta with his beautiful wife Lisa and also leads the marketing and PR efforts for a local nonprofit organization. Check out the rest of Michael’s humbling and inspiring story as he follows his passion to impact and empower others around him.

Age: 50

What do you do? (Work)
Marketing Executive and I coach motivated, experienced men in leadership and relationships.

Why do you do it?
I do both because I enjoy them and they allow me to make a difference for others while using my talents. Working with men is definitely a calling and something I’ve been involved in for a long time.

How do you make a difference in the world? (Work, business, life, family, self)
My goal is to help other men live the life they’ve always wanted, which means living up to their full potential in all areas. It’s not simply a matter of confidence, it’s learning the right information that most of us either weren’t taught or have moved away from over time and as the world tries to soften us. 
What are 3 defining moments in your life? 1) Moving to the U.S. from Canada in my late twenties. 2) Meeting my incredible wife. 3) Forming a men’s group in Atlanta sixteen years ago that still meets every month.

What is your life purpose?
I believe it’s to help other men. For whatever reason, I’ve been exposed to great men and critical information in my life and it’s my purpose to pass on the learning.

How did you tap into it?
I tapped into this through my own desire to change and grow and to stop making the mistakes that were preventing me from being the man I wanted to be. I hate to settle, so I don’t. I keep on keeping on. I have high standards for my life and it’s a journey of learning and uncovering that I’ll always be on.

Who is your Role-Model or Mentor? I had a great mentor who passed away a few years ago now – he was more than a high school coach, he opened my eyes to the possibilities in the world and to going for it. My dad is also a mentor, who through a fairly strict upbringing taught me to keep my word and do the right thing.  I also have historical figures that I use as role-models in various ways, especially Winston Churchill.
Do you have any daily habits? If so, what are they?
I meditate each morning before I do anything else and I pray each night.

When do you know your work/life balance is off?
The concept of work/life balance is very overplayed and not the goal in my mind. If you’re building the life you want, there will be times when your life will be seriously focused in one area and must be in order to make your goals reality. But it’s our responsibility as men to take care of the other areas as well. Sometimes you may not have the nicest lawn in the neighborhood because you’re focused on a critical time in your business, and that’s okay. You do what you can to not have the worst lawn either but it’s not the priority. I believe we know when something has to change – you feel it and you know if you push to much further without changing that something has got to give. The man who always wants to be in perfect balance will never accomplish anything of note.

Vulnerability is a challenge for most men – share a vulnerable moment from your life with us.
There was a point in my life almost 20 years ago where I became very depressed, unhappy in my work and relationships and frankly burnt out. The spark had definitely gone out and I didn’t know how to relight it.
What did you learn from it?
I learned that nothing is permanent and even your darkest hour will pass if you hang on and keep trying to take that one step forward.  This is when you need to lean on other men that you trust.
If you are or were going to be a mentor for another man, what is one piece of advice you would give him?
I know from experience that many men are like I was – they’ve become a lone wolf in their lives. Most of us had a group of friends in high school and/or college, but once we go out into the world, get married and start families we tend to become a lone wolf without close male friends to rely on, to get advice from and who will hold us accountable. My biggest piece of advice is to look for a small number of men that have your back and you can trust. You’ll have to work at this to create it but the payoff is immeasurable in your career, your marriage and your life trajectory. It could be a men’s group or simply one or two guys, but it has to be intentionally cultivated, it won’t just happen. Connecting with ManTalks is great way to make that happen.

How do you be the best partner (Boyfriend/Husband- past or present)
Couple of key things – my wife and I have a rule that we deal with an issue between us asap, solve it and once solved (and that’s key), then we don’t bring it back up later. When we argue, we always keep it respectful and there is no name calling – if you go there you’re opening a door to future trouble. We know each other’s love language and don’t expect the other to be the same person we are; we place a lot of respect on our differences.

Do you support any Charities or Not-for-profits? (Which one(s) and why?)
I support ChildFund and sponsor a boy in Indonesia as well as All Grace Outreach which helps orphans and widows.

If your life had a theme song, what would it be?
Wow, good question. I’d probably have a theme song for each year as I always have a word or motto for the year that motivates me. This year’s focus is Perseverance. 

Where do you see yourself in 3 years?
In 3 years I see helping a lot more men get to where they want to be through coaching and sites like www.RealMenRealMarriage.com
 and the ‘top-secret’ One Thousand Men Project that is currently in the works. 

What legacy do you want to leave for future generations?
Teaching men how to lead themselves, their families and their communities. John Maxwell says that everything rises and falls on leadership and I believe that. If we all become the men we know we can be, the world will be taken care of.

What One book would you recommend for any Man?
There are so many, but without a doubt I recommend everyone read The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. If implemented, those principles alone can set a you free. It’s been said that leaders are readers and that is absolutely true of every leader I know. The bigger they are the more they read. Be discerning but take advantage of the wisdom that is out there. If you’d like to be on my reading list leave me a message at michaelvanosch.com.

If you know a Man that is making a positive impact on the world, we would love to hear from you! Contact us at [email protected]
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Man Of The Week – Grayson Miller

Grayson Miller provides coaching, strong leadership and is a mentor to his team at StyleDemocracy. At StyleDemocracy, Grayson takes on the role of Vice President, digital director and content creator, spearheading the company’s development with their blog, social media outlets and marketing strategies for clients and followers. He focuses on the development of his team and allowing each individual to express creativity, vision and passion so that they excel in the work environment and feel fulfilled in doing so. A sacrificial leader, Grayson leads by example and ensures he has given his team enough support, love and encouragement to kick-start their entrepreneurial spirit and hopefully launch their dreams. Check out our newest Man Of The Week, Grayson Miller!

Age: 29

What do you do?
I am the Vice President – Digital for StyleDemocracy. I oversee and develop all of StyleDemocracy’s digital initiatives. In addition to that, I work closely with brands, helping them tell their stories to digital audiences.

Why do you do it?
I do it because retail, fashion, and digital marketing are all great passions of mine. I love telling stories and I find that the world of content creation and digital marketing is always evolving, which forces you to continually grow, learn, and challenge yourself.

How do you make a difference in the world?
Tough question. StyleDemocracy provides access to off-price clothing for our members and shoppers. For some, the savings on clothing actually makes a discernible difference in their lives. On a personal level, I have work experience in the mental health arena. Due to my knowledge, I have been able to guide people in the right direction in seeking help and support for mental health issues.

What are 3 defining moments in your life?
– Getting cut from my high school hockey team – I thought that I was guaranteed to make the team. I made it before so I coasted. It taught me that you always have to work for the stuff that you want, and that nothing in life is guaranteed. There is always someone behind you who will gladly take your place, so if you don’t continue to work and improve, you’ll often fall behind.
– Meeting my current partner – She’s the best. Always supportive and always pushes me to achieve my goals.
– Working for StyleDemocracy – I started out as an intern and today I am the Vice-President. My life would be drastically different if I took a different direction.

What is your life purpose?
I have much respect for people who are able to answer this question. I haven’t figured it out yet.

How did you tap into it?
I try to be the best that I can be every day. It’s hard and challenging for me. Being better is what motivates me.

Role-Model?
My father. Hard working, well dressed, never gives up. I try to live my life like that.

Do you have any daily habits?
I want to work on forming better daily habits. I try to take at least 30 minutes for myself every day. I might go for a run, sit by myself, read a book. It really doesn’t matter what it is, I just try to be one with myself for at least 30 minutes a day to block out the noise of everyday life.

When do you know your work balance is off?
When I’m not creative or I don’t feel like working. The not wanting to work part is the biggest sign to me that I’m tired. If I feel that way, I know that something is wrong.

Vulnerability is a challenge for most men – share a vulnerable moment from your life with us.
I’ve had some close friends and family that have dealt with serious mental health issues. These issues challenge you to become more accepting and understanding. It has been a hard road for me in dealing with people that I love who suffer from mental illness. It can take every ounce of your strength to not feel like a victim and realize that mental health issues don’t discriminate and can affect people from all walks of life. It made me vulnerable because I always want to help people that I love, and sometimes you can’t do it on your own. Not having the answers is one of my most vulnerable feelings. You have to look inward to have the strength to deal with it.

What did you learn from it?
I learned to be more understanding and to be patient with people. It has helped me learn that people all have their own issues and in business and life, and you have to know how to be accommodating and compassionate.

How do you be the best partner?
I communicate about everything – probably in excess, but I find that even in long-term relationships, ambiguity can arise unless communication is constant.  I also always let her know that I have her back no matter what. I’m always one call away and while I may not always understand, I will always listen and give her 100% of my focus when she needs it.

Do you support any charities?
I have supported CAMH in the past. As you probably already know from reading this article, I have friends and family that deal with mental health issues. I support CAMH because I feel that Mental Health support and awareness needs to improve in our city.

If your life had a theme song, what would it be?
Kanye West – Can’t Tell Me Nothing

Where do you see yourself in three years?
The President of StyleDemocracy – Digital

What legacy do you want to leave for future generations?
While it has improved a lot and there are many fantastic black business leaders, I would like to continue to instill the knowledge that race and ethnicity should not limit your ambitions and that with hard work, anyone can achieve parts of their dreams.

What one book would you recommend for any man?
Between the World and Me by Ta-Nehisi Coates

If you know a Man that is making a positive impact on the world, we would love to hear from you! Contact us at [email protected]

 

Man Of The Week – Jermal Alleyne

Jermal Alleyne is our newest Man Of The Week and boy does he have one hell of a story! Today he is the Co-founder of a non-profit called Next Gen Men that is dedicated to building better men through youth engagement, education, and empowerment. Like many in his generation, Jermal never had a mentor or group of friends as a young boy where he could be taught about the expectations and responsibilities of being a ‘man’. It was this struggle and losing his teenage brother to suicide that drives Jermal’s passion for impacting and equipping today’s youth. Jermal opens up and gets real personal in this weeks Man Of The Week, you’ll definitely want to check out his humbling story.

Jermal, along with three others, will be speaking about ‘Confidence’ at the upcoming ManTalks Toronto event on Monday, August 22nd. You can expect to hear moving stories from individuals who suffered from low self-esteem and the manner in which they tackled this head on to emerge victorious and successful.
ENTRY IS FIRST COME FIRST SERVE
Topic: Confidence & Connection
Date: Monday, August 22 6:30pm (Doors open) 7:00pm (Event begins)
Location: 174 Front St West, Toronto ON M5V 3K2
Tickets: FREEIMG_20151118_013543

Age – 28

What do you do? (Work)
I am the Program Director and lead facilitator of Next Gen Men, a nonprofit focused on building better men through youth and peer engagement, education, and empowerment.. I lead an after-school program for boys aged 12-14 years old that disrupts the prevalent ideas and misconceptions about what it means to ‘be a man’ today. We move beyond the stereotypes and empower boys to be men who make a positive impact on their communities.

Why do you do it?
I do this for two reasons. Being a man myself, I wish I had had something like this when I was growing up – a place that I would feel safe with my friends while learning some about the expectations of “being a man” that probably would have helped me to make fewer mistakes in my early adulthood. Secondly, I lost my brother to suicide when he was 13 and that always sits with me. I love that now, I have a chance to educate youth on the dangers of bullying, the importance of mental health, and teaching these young men that asking for help when you need it isn’t a sign of weakness, but strength.

How do you make a difference in the world? (Work, business, life, family, self)
I believe the work that we are doing at Next Gen Men can one day make a huge difference in the world. Through engaging, educating, and empowering young men at an early age look at our work as prevention to reduction in all form of violence, with an emphasis on violence against women, and a reduction in male deaths by suicide due to an increased knowledge of mental health supports.

What are 3 defining moments in your life?
– The passing of my bother in 2007. It was an eye opener to appreciate family. Also, to make the most of the time you have on this world – I do that by helping others.
– Tearing my ACL. This is a pretty common injury, but for me the rehab process allowed me to expand the definition of myself. I wasn’t just Jermal, a great athlete anymore, I learned to be so much more.
– Getting engaged. The time since I met my fiancé has been the happiest consecutive years of my life and I know they will only continue with her in my life.

What is your life purpose?
I think my life purpose is to help. I know it is so vague, but I have always found a sense of peace when I know that I am helping someone. Whether it is young man who needs positive words of encouragement in program, to help with school work, or and an adult who just needs someone to listen to I like helping people work through the battles big or small.

How did you tap into it?
Giving can sometimes be difficult, I have heard some stories and things that people have gone through that just break my heart, but I know how important self-care is. I generally like to do solitary things as part of my self-care. When I was young that was practicing soccer by myself, as I got older that was basketball, now it is golf and writing.

Who is your Role Model or Mentor?
When I was younger, Tiger Woods was my role model. I loved his laser like focus. Now I would have to say it is my father. When I look back on my life and realize all the sacrifices he made for me, my brothers, people in my family to put them in a better position in their lives, it blows me away. His patience to see the big picture is a quality that I admire the most.

Do you have any daily habits? If so, what are they?
One of my self-care techniques/hobbies has to be included. Whether it is the gym, writing, or just reflecting, it helps me tackle the day ahead and coffee, definitely coffee.

When do you know your work/life balance is off?
I generally just feel like garbage. Whether I haven’t got enough work done, I feel bad about myself if I am working too much and don’t make time for me for a couple of days. I have a guilty feeling either way.

Vulnerability is a challenge for most men – share a vulnerable moment from your life with us.
The most vulnerable moment in my life was going to see my mother while she was incarcerated when I was twelve. My father didn’t want me to go, but I knew it was something I had to do. It was scary, I was nervous and I went asking for love. It was the most vulnerable I have let myself be to this day.

What did you learn from it?
Well, the experience didn’t meet my expectations so it was disappointing. From it I learned to be strong, that putting yourself out there when asking for love doesn’t kill you, and most importantly, hope. I knew there would come a day where my expectations were met and I can say today they happily are.

If you are or were going to be a mentor for another man, what is one piece of advice you would give him?
There comes a time in your life where you have to stop making your circumstances an excuse for why you should fail, and take responsibility of those circumstance and make them the reason you succeed.  I can say that I have had many moments in my life where shit was just hard, personal relationships, school, and circumstances that you just thought you’d never be in. I, many times let my circumstances be my scapegoat but there came a day when I just stopped doing that and life started to turn around slowly I might add, but it did and I would want that young man to know it will be YOU that made that choice.

How do you be the best partner (Boyfriend/Husband- past or present)
I think I am the best partner to my fiancé when I am just as giving in my outside life as in my relationship.

Do you support any Charities or Not-for-profits? (Which one(s) and why?)
I can’t say that I actively do through money consistently, but since Movember’s push into mental health and well being for men. It’s an organization that does such great work.
I have been a recent supporter of Movember, not only have they funded Next Gen Men, but I truly they are offering a holistic approach to men’s’ health. Especially on the Mental Health on the Mental Health approach. I am an advocate for youth mental health and I volunteered in my community as the youth mental health advisor.
Next Gen Men is so important to me because I have the opportunity to talk to young men and breaking down the old definition of a man that doesn’t need help. I share my personal stories to inspire them to understand that asking for help is not a sign of weakness and we need more men to help us in this effort.

If your life had a theme song, what would it be?
Not sure

Where do you see yourself in 3 years?
With work, that’s looking forward and seeing how accomplished Next Gen Men has become. In my personal life, I’m looking forward to being married in 2017 and starting a family.

What legacy do you want to leave for future generations?
I guess the legacy I would like to leave is that I was instrumental in reducing suicide rates and violence against women by co-founding Next Gen Men. Though we are small, I know that our reach can be huge and exponential if the young men that come through our program can influence on friend with our message. ‘Wolfpack’ is a new initiative we are launching shortly in Calgary, Toronto, and Vancouver. It is a unique “brotherhood” of men focused on facilitating social supports with depth. We are looking to engage with men aged 25-45 to not only encourage them to be more socially connected but to draw from these connections when they go through tough times and transitions.

What One book would you recommend for any Man?
The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho

If you know a Man that is making a positive impact on the world, we would love to hear from you! Contact us at [email protected]

Man Of The Week – Zachary Stockill

From humble beginnings to becoming a successful author and an award winning researcher, Zachary Stockill has had an incredible journey in discovering his life’s purpose. Part of his fascinating journey include a 10-day silent meditation retreat to a stumbling into becoming an author and entrepreneur. Today Zachary is a leading figure in confronting and overcoming jealousy in our relationships and recently launched his first podcast, Travels in Music, a show dedicated to sharing stories about music from around the world. Zachary strongly challenges traditional notions of jealousy being a ‘normal’ feeling, rather a sentiment we as individuals need to confront and deal with to develop a pure relationship. You can read more about Zachary below and at his website, or you can follow him on Twitter @zfstockill.

Age: 28.

What do you do? (Work)
I wear many hats; perhaps, at the moment, a few too many. I write articles and books, create courses, build websites, and do a little bit of coaching and consulting. I’m currently experimenting with my first podcast, called Travels in Music.
Aside from writing about music and culture, I run a website called RetroactiveJealousy. I try to help people overcome jealousy and possessiveness in their romantic relationships.

Why do you do it?
I think this is work that needs to be done. Retroactive jealousy, obsessive jealousy aren’t things that people talk about very often, and in my view there isn’t a lot of information available for people on how to overcome it, and how good life gets once you do. We take certain things for granted in our society, and there are models that I believe deserve to be challenged; among them, that expressions of jealousy and possessiveness are healthy expressions of love, and are a “natural” or “normal” aspect of romantic relationships. I don’t think that’s necessarily true. And I try to show people, through sharing my story and the stories of others, that life gets a lot better once you develop effective methods of confronting and dealing with jealousy and possessiveness.
I write about music and culture because I want to share stories that deserve to be told, and again, challenge perspectives and pre-conceptions which I believe deserve to be challenged. The common thread linking all of my work is a deep-seated curiosity about people, and the way the world works. I’m absolutely fascinated by human beings. We are a strange bunch.

How do you make a difference in the world? (Work, business, life, family, self)
I try to inspire people to think a little differently, and challenge their perspectives as I question and challenge my own. I am working to be a better brother and son, and for me this has involved being more self-critical, and honest about the parts of myself I don’t like, and that need to change. I try to be a good and loyal friend to my friends, and the most crucial part of that is, I think, committing to being honest with them (and asking the same of them in return). And I am working to become a more thoughtful and generous lover and partner, always.

What are 3 defining moments in your life?
– I have a very clear memory of stepping out of the airport in New Delhi, India, when I was 20, having just begun my first trip overseas. I remember the smell so clearly—an aromatic orgy of cowshit, exhaust fumes, curry, dust, incense, you name it. More than anything, I remember thinking “This smells like the oldest place in the world.” I was hooked. And although adjusting to life in India was initially a challenge, I quickly grew to love the country. More importantly, I think that initial experience awoke me to the joy and wonder of traveling.
– Another moment involved a 10-day silent meditation retreat, depression, and some serious emotional baggage being lifted. At the risk of sounding like some sort of spiritual/new-age poseur, I think I had a brief experience of what Zen Buddhists call “kensho,” or “satori.” Basically, it felt like an ever-so-tiny glimpse into enlightenment. I remember feeling intensely, inordinately connected to everything around me—people, the earth, the trees, people I once thought I was mad at—and overflowing with love and appreciation for being alive. It was the most powerful, healing and transformative couple of hours of my life, and in some ways I think I’ve been chasing that experience for the past five years. Time to stop chasing.
– I also have a couple of very vivid and precious memories of falling in love for the first time. But these are moments best described in a different, more intimate venue, I think.

What is your life purpose?
In a word: evolution. It’s important to me to work at being a better, more honest and giving man than I was a year, a month, a week ago. And I hope I can inspire others to evolve as well, whether it’s in terms of their personal development, or just in terms of the way they think about certain things. It’s exciting to me to be able to inspire others to appreciate things—whether it’s sex, or music, or even just a good whiskey—that they didn’t fully appreciate before.

How did you tap into it?
I fell into this line of work largely by accident. A few years ago I wrote a book about jealousy under a pen name primarily as an exercise in catharsis, and very quickly things started to naturally evolve into the work I do now. I’ve been fortunate to have some kind and generous male mentors throughout my 20’s who have challenged me, and inspired me to grow. And my love of culture and music has always been there—my parents tell me I was singing and dancing before I could walk—so I’m not sure I “tapped into” it; maybe it tapped into me. Writing has also been a constant in my life. I’m introverted by nature, and this lends itself well to sitting alone in a room for hours at a stretch trying to work out your thoughts.

Who is your Role-Model or Mentor?
Can I give you a few? My father and maternal grandfather come to mind; they’re very different men, and I’ve learned some important lessons from them about being a man, acknowledging your flaws, and trying to grow into a better man. I have a lot of respect for the Canadian writer Zan Perrion, his approach to women and romance, and his adventurous spirit. I also admire Anthony Bourdain, not just for his travels and his talent as a storyteller, but the way he thinks about travel, the way he approaches it. I think Leonard Cohen is just about the coolest human being on the planet. And I would be remiss if I didn’t mention the Buddha; no other teacher has taught me more about life and living.

Do you have any daily habits? If so, what are they?
Enough of the spiritual, woo-woo stuff, something practical: a habit I picked up the first time I was in India was drinking a lot of water. I start every day off, immediately after I brush my teeth, with a protein shaker bottle filled with water. It’s a revitalizing ritual to start your day off with. And wherever I am, at any time, I always have a glass or bottle of water on the go. (This is especially helpful when you’re imbibing. Your liver can thank me later.) It might seem excessive or unnecessary to some, but it’s made a big difference for me in terms of weight loss, appetite suppression, energy level, etc. And yes, you’re peeing all the time, but that’s good too; it’s good to stand up, take a little walk, and get away from the computer on a regular basis.
I also pick up my guitar or ukulele and mess around for at least a few minutes every day. I try to dance, take a walk or swim, lift weights, or just get up and move at some point every day. It’s important to engage different parts of your brain at different times of the day, and doing something physical every day is important to me.

When do you know your work/life balance is off?
When my eyeballs start to ache. For me, this means there have been too many hours, for too many days in a row, staring at a computer screen. Also, my social skills start to go to hell; even the simplest, shortest conversation with the barrista at the coffeeshop start to seem laborious when I’m working too hard, and keeping myself isolated. It’s usually around that time that I determine a cocktail is in order.

Vulnerability is a challenge for most men – share a vulnerable moment from your life with us.
Over the past year I’ve talked and written more about meditation than I’ve actually meditated. I feel slightly ashamed when I extol the virtues of meditation to others, when I don’t have a regular practice going myself. It’s time to change that. I was involved in a motorbike accident in early 2015, and for whatever reason, since then I’ve found the process of parking my posterior on a cushion and meditating especially challenging.

What did you learn from it?
It’s almost painfully clicheed, but the accident taught me that I am not, in fact, invincible. And no one else is responsible for my physical well-being and safety. Don’t be an idiot, and take unnecessary risks. Take care of yourself, as physical health is everything, really. I’m only 28, and I’d like to spend a lot more time on this rock of ours.

If you are or were going to be a mentor for another man, what is one piece of advice you would give him?
That you, and only you, are responsible for the quality of your life. No one is coming to “save” you; not me, not some woman, not your parents, not another self-help book, not another motivational quote on Instagram. You. Focus on what is in your sphere of control, and disregard that which is not. You are enormously powerful, but you have to direct your power and energy in ways that serve you. Anything else is a waste of time.

How do you be the best partner (Boyfriend/Husband- past or present)
Needless to say, I am still trying to figure this out. Again, it’s clicheed, but I think it really does come down to empathy, understanding. One thing I’ve discovered through my work is that what people want, more than anything else, is to feel recognized, seen, understood. Most people don’t really want you to tell them what to do, or for you to override their pain and anger with your guidance or instruction. I think this is especially true in relationships. Many problems are solved, and conflicts avoided, when you can simply look your partner in the eye and say “I understand,” but the catch is you have to mean it. This takes a great deal of reflection, practice, patience, and just shutting the hell up from time to time. It took me too long to learn this, and I still have a long way to go.

Do you support any charities or not-for-profits? (Which one(s) and why?)
I support Kiva, which is an organization that offers micro-loans to entrepreneurs in developing countries. I also support the World Wildlife Fund, as I’m quite fond of polar bears (from a distance, of course). I think Musicians Without Borders does wonderful, very important work. And with the ongoing horror in Syria and Iraq, at this moment in time UNICEF is as essential an organization as it’s ever been. Those people are doing critical, lifesaving work, day in day out.

If your life had a theme song, what would it be?
I’ve told friends that I want “This Is All I Ask” by Harry Nilsson played at my funeral, as it captures a certain spirit, an energy I aspire to in life: ease and delight. And I have long felt a powerful connection to the song “Hoppipolla” by the Icelandic rock band Sigur Ros, even though I have no idea what they’re singing about. To tell you the truth, I don’t want to know.

Where do you see yourself in 3 years?
Living in a warm climate in a well-lit flat with a well-stocked bar, surrounded by good music, good friends, and beautiful women, doing challenging, meaningful work that I enjoy.

What legacy do you want to leave for future generations?
More than anything, I want to make the lives of the people I love a little brighter. I hope, through my writing, that I will have inspired some people to think a little differently. (As William Zinsser once advised, “Writing is an act of ego, and you might as well admit it.”) I hope that I turned people on to possibilities and experiences—in terms of art, relationships, and life in general—that perhaps they weren’t aware of before, and which have improved their lives.

Which one book would you recommend for any man?
I’m currently reading Meditations by the Roman emperor Marcus Aurelius, and would encourage other men to do the same. It’s a compelling read, and offers lessons and perspectives that are just as valuable now as they were when they were first set to parchment nearly 2000 years ago. Not a book to read too fast; this one requires constant breaks, and deep reflection.

If you know a Man that is making a positive impact on the world, we would love to hear from you! Contact us at [email protected]

Man Of The Week – Jason Klop

This weeks Man Of The Week is Jason Klop. Jason grew up on a farm in a small town in British Columbia, and it is his upbringing that taught him the values he lives by today, hard work and persistence where giving up was never an option. As his life unfolded, Jason was always someone who dreamed big and used others’ opinions, regardless of good or bad, as motivation and fuel to push him further. He noticed that some in life become victim to their limiting diseases/issues whilst others choose to persevere and overcome them and be free from limitations. This was something that deeply intrigued him and made him realize that his true passion lays in helping others realize what their purpose is, how to feel fulfilled, and ways to jump over hurdles. Jason is a man that wears many hats, some of which include being a Father, Doctor, Speaker, Coach and an Entrepreneur. Today, Jason runs his own practice where he creates the space that allows his patients to dive deep and truly discover what makes them tick and feel happiness. To help people achieve these transformational changes in their lives, Jason has created a coaching space, a blog and a podcast titled Step into the Jungle.

Age – 27 years old

What do you do? (Work)
Naturopathic Doctor who is on a mission to help entrepreneurs discover their purpose and live a passionate and fulfilled life. We all get to a point in our lives when we ask ourselves a variation of the following questions: Is this it? Is this what I am really here to do? How will others remember me? What will my legacy be?
My goal then is to help people get clarity on those questions and leave a legacy behind them that is by their design.

Why do you do it?
What I noticed when treating patients was that unless they were living a life of purpose, they would get or stay sick. This oddity perplexed me and so like any evidence based health care provider would do, I took to the literature. Remarkably I discovered that the available research validated this finding and so I decided it was time I stepped up into the role of assisting others discover and live that purpose.

How do you make a difference in the world? (Work, business, life, family, self)
First and foremost, by example. It is so easy to always tell others how they should live their lives, but if you are not modeling that, then nobody will truly buy into what you are presenting them.
Second, by truly caring about people and giving them the time of day to listen. We live in a world where we are constantly bombarded by new information coming in, but we don’t often take the time to just stop and notice what is. I make it a part of my ‘job’ to actively listen.
Third, by understanding who I am and what value I bring to the world. If you are unclear on your purpose and calling, then you are merely wandering around trying to do this or that in order to make your mark on this world. However, if you are really clear on why you are here and why you are doing what you are doing, then it makes it much easier to execute and truly make an impact. This whole process however starts with looking in. There is no amount of external information that will tune you in to this process.

What are 3 defining moments in your life?
– I grew up on a dairy farm and was constantly surrounded by animals. When I was 11 or 12 I got a baby goat from a goat farm. This goat was sick and nearly dead when I got it. The deal the farm made with me was that if it survived I could keep it. Thankfully the goat survived with much TLC and became an inseparable pet. This was a defining moment because it made me realize my calling to care for others.
– I fully realized my calling when getting diagnosed at the age of 15 with an acute illness that the conventional medical system had no treatment for. As a last ditch effort, my parents took me to a naturopathic doctor and it was with some very standard treatments that I was back to my lively self. I then had a deep understanding that I was supposed to give people the hope that they could not find from within or without. It is often from our own challenges that we realize our purpose.
– The third defining moment comes from truly facing my fears and going after my dreams and aspirations. Oftentimes it is easier to do what is comfortable even though it may not be in line with our values and purpose. When faced with this choice, I chose to follow my passion, live my purpose and tackle my fears. Challenging but very rewarding!

What is your life purpose?
It is my purpose and passion to help others realize and live their purpose and passion.
If I am able to connect people with their true purpose and passion I believe they will decrease the likelihood of serious illness as well as have a positive impact on the world while doing it. The richest place in the world is the graveyard because there are unfulfilled dreams and aspirations lying waste. I intend to not let my talent lie quietly in that desolate place, so I choose to live boldly every day, meanwhile inspiring and helping others to do the same.

How did you tap into it?
Introspection. Oddly we think that the answers to our purpose and passion should come from outside. Which book can I read to help me discover this, which talk can I go and listen to and etc. All of these resources are great because they allow us to question and learn what that might be. However, it is from looking within that you will find the clarity as to what you must project without.

Who is your Role-Model or Mentor?
I am very inspired by Les Brown. He is such an authentic, caring and joyful man. I hope to have the honor of meeting him in person one day.

Do you have any daily habits? If so, what are they?
To always be appreciative of those around me who are helping me get closer to my goals. We are so under-appreciated these days that people don’t even know how to accept praise. All it takes is 30 seconds to tell somebody that you appreciate them or to start the first sentence of your email by thanking somebody.
If you appreciate those around you, they will without a doubt also appreciate you. There is no faster way to ‘success’ than through the help of others.

When do you know your work/life balance is off?
I don’t fully buy into the whole work/life balance struggle. I believe we should focus on work/life integration. When you are truly living on purpose then your work is your life and your life is your work. I live and breathe what I do.
On the contrary, my highest value is my family and my health. As such, I take the time to exercise daily as well as spend time with my family. The balance is disrupted when I am not true to my purpose and living from my highest values.

Vulnerability is a challenge for most men – share a vulnerable moment from your life with us.
My vulnerable moment comes from my understanding that I need to welcome and express my vulnerability. Growing up I was always very in touch with my feelings and emotions. However, while growing up I would sometimes be made fun of for being ‘soft’. As a mechanism to protect this core innocence I ‘shielded’ up. I allowed a disconnect to form between my mind and my heart, thereby spending all my time in my mind where I could avoid allowing my heart to express its burdens and excitements. This mechanism served me for many years until I realized that this lack of connection wasn’t serving me and was in fact inhibiting me. I realized that my vulnerability is why people love and appreciate me because it is who I really am. I have since then with some guidance and much introspection developed a stronger connection between my head and my heart. This re-connection has allowed me to express my vulnerability to others without the fear of getting hurt and more importantly, it has allowed me to deepen my relationships with others. I cannot describe a more intelligent aspect of our being than the intelligence of our hearts.

What did you learn from it?
I learned that when you portray who you really are then you attract who and what you really want.

If you are or were going to be a mentor for another man, what is one piece of advice you would give him?
The best piece of advice I got from one of my mentors was to always look for ways to provide value in your mentor’s or desired mentor’s life.
In addition, be open to learning without challenging their perspective. We are all teachers deep from within, so if you are looking to add value to a mentor’s life and you are open to learning, then you will find a mentor who is willing to impart their knowledge and experience.

How do you be the best partner (Boyfriend/Husband- past or present)
Analogy from a farmer: your relationship with your partner is much like a crop. You need to water, fertilize and pull out the weeds before you can get the harvest. Many of us focus on what we can get without first focusing on giving and caring. When the focus is on supporting your partner in their development and level of fulfillment then you will be rewarded in kind. The truth is, what you give more of you get more of. Want more love? Give more love.

Do you support any Charities or Not-for-profits? (Which one(s) and why?)
I support Kiva.org. This organization gives microloans to people all over the world with emphasis on 3’rd world countries. I only lend money to women because I believe in these regions the women are the ones that can affect change in their families as well as their communities. Empowered women are powerful!

If your life had a theme song, what would it be?
Life is a highway by Rascal Flatts

Where do you see yourself in 3 years?
Doing more of the same but at a higher level with a much greater impact

What legacy do you want to leave for future generations?
I want to be a man that has fully stepped into my greatness and meanwhile leave a legacy of others who have done the same.

What One book would you recommend for any Man?
Big Leap by Gay Hendricks

When Your Partner Isn't Attracted To You Anymore

Do You Feel Entitled To Your Partner Feeling Attraction For You?

“But I am his wife!”
“She is my woman.”
“He hasn’t slept with me in over 2 months.”
“She is always turning down sex.”
I often hear things like these in my dating, intimacy, and relationship coaching practice and although each relationship is complex and unique, I want to talk about attraction today and why we need to be aware of how it works.
There may be an attraction problem if our partner doesn’t desire us as much as they used to.
When it comes to attraction and desire we need to understand one thing, you can’t ask someone to desire you and be attracted to you.
Someone is attracted to you based on how you show up in your life and theirs.
A relationship label is never an excuse to assume attraction either.
Just because he is your husband or she is your girlfriend doesn’t mean he or she should desire you automatically and vice versa.
If your partner doesn’t desire you as much as you want, you need to take a deeper look at the polarity in the relationship. Are you both showing up as attractive to each other?
Not understanding the dynamics of connection and attraction is what often leads couples who began with a lot of passion into leveling out and over time feeling more like friends or roommates than lovers.
With a group of women I coach, I recently shared this example about a woman opening up sexually when masculine energy is around.
I asked them the following:
“Let’s say you meet a man and date long distance. The relationship progresses and now he asks you to move to his city to be with him. So you drop everything and move across the country to be with your man and when you arrive, feeling scared and unsettled, he is needy and asking you for sex everyday, and then taking it personally as he wonders out loud to you why you don’t want him… how would that make you feel?”
There was a collective distaste over every woman’s face. Many of their faces said, “heck no!”
Then I asked:
“But what if he was focused on making everything smooth, solving problems, helping you land and be safe, being the leader needed at that moment, what would that do for you?”
Every woman instantly smiled a sexy little smile and had a very happy look on her face.
There are many attraction triggers for men and women, but I’ll share one that is very strong for women.
When a woman has sex it increases her chances of getting pregnant. It is therefore in her biology to assess safety and assure herself of it before having sex, because if she gets pregnant she becomes vulnerable. If she isn’t safe, her child will be at risk.
So, if a man focuses less on his feelings of being rejected by his woman sexually and steps up as her man by funneling that energy into creating safety around her, it helps her feel like she is with a directional, grounded and strong man who is un-reactive at a time when she may feel reactive (scared, ungrounded, unsettled).
She will then feel at ease in his capable hands and soften out of her masculine energy, into her feminine, and open herself up sexually.
A shift in perception is sometimes required rather than the usual way people often deal with these situations — by taking them as a personal rejection.
These moments are always an invitation to step up into a greater version of ourselves and into deeper understanding of the attraction triggers in our partners.
Read More By Giordana Toccaceli
Why Women Stay in Relationships with Emotionally Unavailable Men

12966291_10153439436716332_855021454_nGiordana Toccaceli is an International Dating, Relationship and Intimacy Expert having worked with thousands of women and men around the world to become their most attractive and magnetic selves and attract incredible partners into their lives in record time.
Giordana has worked with a wide range of clients from Top CEOs, Billionaires, successful entrepreneurs, professional athletes, actors, models and every day men and women. She is a regular contributor to Univision TV’s morning show “Despierta Austin” and the Founder of Woman’s Allure and the Co-Founder of Embody Love Project.
Book a free Discovery Session today and find out what’s holding you back from feeling deep freedom, vibrant health, and alignment in your life. Access your free gift today: Get Giordana’s Heal Your Heart” 10 Minute Meditation.

 
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Man Of The Week – Tim Collins

Here at ManTalks’ Man Of The Week, we love hearing stories from people who have overcome severe challenges in their life and persevered. There is something beautiful in being able to power through an uncomfortable feeling or emotion and then helping others around you conquer their own fears. This week we get to highlight an incredible Man, Tim Collins, who suffered from severe and crippling anxiety that it prevented him from being functional in a day-to-day manner. Familiar examples are when Tim went for a job interview and soaked through his entire shirt or when Tim had to present in front of senior directors in the company and suddenly felt like he was unable to breathe. After some deep thought and consideration, Tim decided his lifestyle strategy of resisting and suppressing his anxiety wasn’t working, and if he was ever going to overcome it, he had to be vulnerable and change the way he was living his life. Overcoming anxiety, he learned, is not a over-night fix but a project that requires constant work and support. Today Tim empowers others and teaches them ways to overcome their own challenges by three ways: through one on one coaching, through a podcast he founded called The Anxiety Podcast, and his blog. If you suffer from anything similar, Tim is definitely the man to whom you should reach out!

Age – 38

What do you do? (Work)
I Support People to Overcome Anxiety and Stress and Consider What is Possible in Their Lives.
I am the creator and host of “The Anxiety Podcast” and also a Stress & Anxiety Coach

Why do you do it?
After years of being on the business hamster wheel of life I was personally affected by Anxiety. It knocked me off the treadmill and as I dusted myself off I took the opportunity to make some changes in my life.
When trying to get help with my own mental health challenges I felt the traditional system didn’t support me well.  The doctor just wanted to prescribe me with medication, psychologist’s didn’t seem to get it.  I felt lost.
So I started making changes in my own life that moved me in the right direction.  After lots of trial and error I recovered and built a life for myself that I LOVE.
Now I see it as my mission to help others who are in the middle of their own personal battle. By believing in them when they don’t believe in themselves and showing them the way to no only deal with stress & anxiety but also to get aligned to what’s really going to create meaning in their life.  Hence my tag line Less Anxiety, More Life!

How do you make a difference in the world? (Work, business, life, family, self)
My work is really about allowing people to move through fear and then look at the possibilities.  Providing inspiration for people to change it what makes me jump out of bed in the morning.  Through the podcast and my work knowing that I support people has huge meaning for me.
In my family life I have 3 beautiful boys who now are able to look at me as someone who’s making a difference instead of my previous life which was all about making money at any cost.

What are 3 defining moments in your life?
– After starting to play hockey fairly late in life at the age of 13 I had a lot of catching up to do.  Growing up in England ice hockey is a minor sport to say the least but I totally fell in love with it.  When I was 19 I came over to Canada to try out for a Junior A team and much to my surprise I made it.  That proved a valuable lesson to me, which has served me well.  I can do anything that I put my mind to.
– Having a panic attack in front of a room of people was I feel the lowest point of my life. It made me question everything most significantly my confidence, ability to provide and sanity. It took a lot of courage and working on myself to come back from that and many changes in my life were made to accomplish that.  But in a weird twist of fate it’s what now gives me the most pleasure as I’m able to use that gift to help others recover and transform.
– Most recently sharing my struggle and receiving massive amounts of support and empathy has made my heart feel fuller than ever. The power I feel from being able to act in the face of fear and anxiety and continue to move forward is immense. My courage and confidence had to be rebuilt from the ground up but the foundation is now stronger than ever and that makes me feel extremely fortunate and grateful.  I’m able to be ok with vulnerability and failures and embrace them as part of the process.

What is your life purpose?
To serve as an example of what’s possible. The inspire people to change their lives to lean into fear and see what’s really possible for them.

How did you tap into it?
Ultimately by living it. My light was in my darkness.

Who is your Role-Model or Mentor?
Philip McKernan, a man who’s asked me questions that no one else ever has in pursuit of finding the truth.  His ability to see past all the bullshit is truly a gift.

Do you have any daily habits? If so, what are they?
I start my day with a cup of tea and end it the same way. I love to exercise so do something every day.

When do you know your work/life balance is off?
I really see my life and work are intertwined.  I believe part of what I do it live as close as I can to my truth.  Out of that comes lots of content that ends up being my work.  If I feel tired or not inspired I know it’s time to back off of computer time and reconnect with the world.

Vulnerability is a challenge for most men – share a vulnerable moment from your life with us.
When I announced to the world that I suffered from Anxiety and panic attacks. I was so embarrassed by what happened to me I really saw it as a huge weakness at the time so doing that felt like there was no turning back.
The interesting and wonderful part was the response. I was met with empathy, love, support and understanding. It also deepened many relationships where people were able to reciprocate and share parts of their lives that were difficult.

What did you learn from it?
Everybody struggles.

If you are or were going to be a mentor for another man, what is one piece of advice you would give him?
Make sure you put yourself first in your own life.  So often people are working hard and toiling for others to their own detriment.  Only after you be the best you can you be the best to anyone else.

How do you be the best partner (Boyfriend/Husband- past or present)
See above.  By being the best me. After that I make my wife a lot of perfectly brewed cups of tea and that keeps me in good favour.

Do you support any Charities or Not-for-profits? (Which one(s) and why?)
A charity in called “Covenant House”  their mission is to help homeless youth’s to have a room and some food and the skills to transition to a life away from the streets.

If your life had a theme song, what would it be?
Passenger – Scare Away The Dark

Where do you see yourself in 3 years?
In a position that everyone struggling with Anxiety or Stress knows that a different life exists for them.

What legacy do you want to leave for future generations?
A belief that we can lean into fear and embrace the challenges we face.  And that what you own owns you.

What One book would you recommend for any Man?
Anything you want – Derek Sivers

Man Of The Week – Giovanni Marsico

Our newest Man Of The Week is a Giovanni Marsico, a man of many talents, from a connector of driven entrepreneurs, to an author of his upcoming book titled ‘The Gifted Entrepreneur’. Today, Giovanni is the founder and president of Archangel Academy, a coaching and mastermind organization that shares marketing, innovation and revenue-generating strategies with entrepreneurs that aim to give back to the world. By using the concept of “gifting it forward” Giovanni has created a culture of sharing his gifts with people, and for them to “gift it forward” with the aim of becoming the best version of ourselves, and to positively impact those around us every single day. Giovanni believes each and every one of us has the power to change the world, and he helps make this a reality by instilling the same belief in other Gifted Entrepreneurs. To make this dream a reality, Giovanni sets aside half the profits from Archangel to provide micro loans for entrepreneurs around the world.
If you’re in the Greater Toronto Area on April 18th, you won’t want to miss Giovanni speak live at our first ever ManTalks Toronto event, Pursuit of Purpose. For more details, click here.

Age – 39

What do you do? (Work)
I am a talent scout, curator, and connector of superheroes – mission-driven entrepreneurs and leaders that are creating a positive impact for humanity – through my Archangel community and live events.

Why do you do it?
The work I do is the full expression of my gifts completely aligned with my path, my dreams, and my heart. I have the privilege of serving people I love by doing what I love.

How do you make a difference in the world? (Work, business, life, family, self)
It starts with striving to become a better version of myself every day, and positively impacting the people around me every day. I use the phrase ‘gift it forward’ – I try my best to share my gifts with people in my tribe so that they can share their gifts with people in theirs. The impact becomes exponential.

What are 3 defining moments in your life?
1 – March 4, 1994 – The day I hosted my first ever large-scale event and discovered you could make money doing what you love. We had 1000 people attend.  I was 17 at the time.
2 – March 27, 2008 – I call this the darkest day of my life. My marriage had just failed. A few weeks earlier I had a panic attack so extreme I thought I was having a heart attack and had an ambulance rush me to the hospital. A business venture failed because I couldn’t handle the emotional state I was in. I was in complete depression and contemplated suicide. My son (who was 3 at the time) was my angel. I knew I had to fight for him and since then my life has been on an amazing upswing.
3 – February 1, 2015 – It was a few days after my annual Archangel event and I had an experience that I describe as a ‘bliss attack’ – the emotional opposite of a panic attack. It felt as if I was experiencing every positive emotion at the same time coming through me like a bolt of lightning. It was so powerful I had to pull over my car and burst out with tears of joy. I learned that day that our emotions are like tuning forks. When we’re aligned and on the right path, we experience positive emotions. The stronger the emotion, the more aligned. The same occurs with negative emotions

What is your life purpose?
My life’s mission is something I call ’10 billion smiles’ – by the time there are 10 billion people alive at the same time, I want to have positively impacted all of their lives indirectly by up-leveling the people I impact directly through my work, my message, and my tribe.

How did you tap into it?
I focus each day on making it the best day ever – by sharing my gifts with people I love to bring me closer to my dream and bring them closer to theirs.

Who is your Role-Model or Mentor?
My Role-Model is a fictional character – Charles Xavier/Professor X from the X-Men. Xavier is the leader of the X-Men team of superheroes. His role is to seek out ‘mutants’ – humans with extraordinary abilities – and show them how to use their powers to serve mankind.
In my world the superheroes are entrepreneurs with big hearts who want to create impact.

Do you have any daily habits? If so, what are they?
I have a highly structure daily ritual – it has been one of the biggest keys to my success and growth. I wake up at 5am and start my day with a 20-minute workout that is a blend of high intensity interval training mixed in with dancing in between sets. Immediately after I set intentions and goals for the day, followed by reading time. I use my friend UJ Ramdas’ 5 Minute Journal and my mornings are based on my friend Hal Elrod’s book The Miracle Morning.

I have another ritual that works wonders for me since ideation and dreaming are 2 of my gifts – I call it ‘shower meditations’. I spend 30 minutes in the shower where I actively download ideas in complete flow. Right after the shower I spend time writing down 8-10 ideas in my journal.
For a more high-level view of my rituals, the ‘structure’ is the same on every week day. Mondays and Saturdays are for planning, clean ups, and prep work.  Tuesdays through Thursdays are revenue generating work and relationship building. I take Friday’s off as ‘my day’ for fun, play, and rest. For the past 8 years, I’ve had a ritual to watch a matinee movie on my own every Friday as my form of escape and to fuel my dreaming. And Sunday’s are adventure days with my son.

When do you know your work/life balance is off?
I think it’s always ‘off’ to some degree. My friend Billy Anderson makes me laugh with this topic because no one ever says they need to add more ‘work’ to be balanced.
I’ve structured my days so that I’m highly productive during work time and have plenty of space for play time, connection, and fun.

Vulnerability is a challenge for most men – share a vulnerable moment from your life with us. 
Last summer I attended a retreat in Ireland called BraveSoul run by my friend Philip McKernan. I told Philip that my goal for the experience, using an analogy from The Matrix movie, was to take the ‘red pill’ on my life – to see the subconscious programming that’s been invisible to me up to that point.
There was a point during one of our group discussions that the emotions I’ve been holding onto for decades just all released at once and I cried harder than I ever have before in front of the group. It was cathartic and beautiful.

What did you learn from it?
I learned so much from that trip – including how to tap into my intuition, how to be aligned with my heart and my path, and how to remove all the masks I’ve been wearing to be my true self.
I also discovered that being selfless all my life was the most selfish thing I could do.

If you are or were going to be a mentor for another man, what is one piece of advice you would give him?
Happiness, gratitude, confidence, courage, peace, power, serendipity, luck and love are all skills to master and practice every single day. Seek complete alignment in your work and relationships – your intuition and emotions will always guide you.

How do you be the best partner (Boyfriend/Husband- past or present)
The only way to be the best partner is to be your best self and to love yourself first completely. Become your own soulmate. Find someone who is completely aligned with you in terms of path, dreams, values, beliefs, bliss, and growth trajectory – someone who is their own soulmate. Sharing a common future is more important than sharing a common past.

Do you support any Charities or Not-for-profits? (Which one(s) and why?)
I’ve supported countless charities in the past, and I’ve been the president of a Rotary Club. My view has changed lately. I believe that mission-driven entrepreneurs are the key to social change. I’m working on creating a fund that provides micro-loans, grants, and angel investment to entrepreneurs looking to change the world so that together we can literally make a dent in the universe.

If your life had a theme song, what would it be?
Either Beautiful Day by U2 or Best Day Of My Life by American Authors

Where do you see yourself in 3 years?
In 3 years I am in the best shape of my life. I am in a blissful relationship with the woman of my dreams. I’ve built an incredible team around me that allows me to spend 100% of my time sharing my gifts with the world.

What legacy do you want to leave for future generations?
I want to disrupt the current models of education, business, and philanthropy. I want to help everyone discover alignment in their lives. My dream is to find a way to connect every human on the planet through the common language of love.

What One book would you recommend for any Man?
The Four Agreements By Don Miguel Ruiz

If you know a Man that is making a positive impact on the world, we would love to hear from you! Contact us at [email protected]

Man Of The Week – Jordan Gray

This week’s Man Of The Week is Jordan Gray for his work as a sex & relationship coach. Jordan is a #1 Amazon best-selling author, a public speaker with nearly a decade of experience in the field. For as long as he can remember, Jordan has always been a giver and helper to people. In his coaching, he allows people to become aware and in turn remove their emotional roadblocks to maintain healthy and intimate relationships. To ensure everybody has some of the tools they need to persevere, Jordan started a blog, which since launch has reached over ten million viewers globally. When Jordan isn’t coaching clients or writing, he loves to pretend he’s good at surfing, immerse himself in new cultures, and savour slow-motion hangouts with his closest companions. If you know anyone looking to deepen their connection to their partner, Jordan’s sensitivity and intuitive perspective will definitely help you step up in your relationships!

Age: 29

What do you do? (Work)
I’m a sex and relationship coach, and writer.

Why do you do it?
Because I believe that a deeply fulfilling love life should be available to everyone.

How do you make a difference in the world? (Work, business, life, family, self)
I reach over a million people per month with my writing at JordanGrayConsulting.com and I coach people 1-on-1 as well.

What are 3 defining moments in your life?
– Having my heart broken at 20.
– Starting my business at 25.
– Learning to love again at 27.

What is your life purpose?
My life purpose is to spread and inspire deep levels of love around the world, in all that I do.

How did you tap into it?
As cliché as it might sound, I really don’t think I ever tapped into it. It just was me, from a young age. I’ve always had such a huge heart for people. Even before I knew I could create my own career, I knew I would be doing something similar to what I’m doing now.

Who is your Role-Model or Mentor?
I have many role models and mentors for different areas of my life (too many to list)… so I’ll take this in a slightly different direction. The person who currently inspires me the most in the world is a man named Sonny Moore (aka Skrillex). He’s a musician who works tirelessly to improve in his craft, he honours the variety of his creative impulses whether they make sense within his cohesive brand or not, and he loves serving his audience.

Do you have any daily habits? If so, what are they?
Yes, and they all occur in the morning. I write before sunrise (articles, books, etc.), I have a morning gratitude practice, and I have a green smoothie that’s loaded with essentially all of the nutrients that I need to get me through the day.

When do you know your work/life balance is off?
When I sit down to write an article that I know my mind is excited to write, but my heart is unable to meet me halfway. When my creative energy feels stifled I know that I need to take some down time to recharge.

Vulnerability is a challenge for most men – share a vulnerable moment from your life with us.
I went through an emotionally devastating breakup in my early 20’s that rocked me to my core. During the breakup my emotionality and sensitivity were heavily shamed and for a period of over five years I hid my negative emotions from all women. I didn’t cry in front of a woman for those years (which is a huge feat because I’m totally a crier) and had a huge emotional block to women in general. It was only over the last 2-3 years that I’ve been able to fully open up again and honour my sensitive nature in all scenarios.

What did you learn from it?
The things inside of ourselves that we most resist are the things that we most need to stop fighting. And when we stop fighting, we will find our greatest gifts that we can offer to the world.

If you are or were going to be a mentor for another man, what is one piece of advice you would give him?
It totally depends on who the person is and at what point they are in in their journey. Every good mentor knows that any advice is useless except for the man who desperately needs to hear that one piece of advice in that very moment. But if there was one overarching piece of advice that I feel would appeal to anyone that I feel has the most benefit, it would be to “Question everything.”

Question the gender roles you have been handed. Question what society says you can or cannot do for your life’s work. Question the marketing that is presented to you. Question the advice of your mentor. I’m not recommending that people become hardened, cynical, or doubtful of the world… in fact, quite the opposite. You must strike the balance between not taking everything at face value, while having a sense of open, playful curiosity with how the world appears to you. Everything should be questioned.

How do you be the best partner (Boyfriend/Husband- past or present)
My short answer to this question is the same as when people ask me what my favourite sex position is (“It depends on the partner I’m with”) since everything is about calibration. Some of the things that I’ve gotten the most consistent feedback about is that I listen deeply and without distraction (my phone is almost always in airplane mode), I am highly physically affectionate, and I naturally gravitate towards being lavish with my verbal praise. The people I love always know how much I love them and exactly what I love about them. They never have to question it.

Do you support any Charities or Not-for-profits? (Which one(s) and why?)
Yes. I donate to Vancouver’s Friends For Life society. FFL provides support to people with life-threatening illnesses. I initially heard about them because my parents discovered them and have been volunteering with them for nearly a decade. As an aside, most of what I’ve learned about being a good person was modeled to me by my parents. I hit the jackpot by being born into their family.

If your life had a theme song, what would it be?
My Way by Frank Sinatra. Not because I pride myself on going at it alone or hustling, white knuckling, or forcing life to happen… but rather because I believe in living life with a high degree of intentionality. I’m constantly asking myself “What do I want?/Why do I want that?/How do I go about achieving that?” At the end of my life, I want to know that I loved deeply, inspired a deeper ability to love in others, and always honoured myself and chose my own path.

Where do you see yourself in 3 years?
With how rapidly my life has changed in the last decade, it feels almost impossible to hypothesize a response to this question. But assuming that there won’t be the major shifts in technology, distribution models, and culture that will inevitably happen over the next three years, my answer would be the following.

In three years time, my writing will reach over 25 million people per month and be inspiring a more open, honest, and shame-free conversation about sex and relationships. I will be a two-time New York Times bestseller. I will do approximately ten public speaking engagements per year, while also coaching clients 1-on-1 digitally, and holding small retreats and workshops around the world for couples. I will also be married, my eyes will be bright, and I will be splitting my time between Vancouver, Paris, and Ubud.

What legacy do you want to leave for future generations?
When it comes down to it, everything that I do with my life is about love and intentionality. I want to leave a legacy that leaves people feeling inspired, expansive, loved, and empowered. Yes, you can tell that person what you love about them. Yes, you can chase down any career path you desire. Yes, you can ask them to marry you. All of it is attainable. Everything you desire is just on the other side of a deep breath and twenty seconds of courage.

What One book would you recommend for any Man?
The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho is a brilliant read for any man looking to be able to trust and surrender to the idea that every person has internal messages that must be listened to. The runner up to that, that I feel every person the planet would benefit from, is The Six Pillars Of Self-Esteem by Nathaniel Branden. It’s written in a (relatively) much more dry way, but it has some densely packed value in there.

If you know a Man that is making a positive impact on the world, we would love to hear from you! Contact us at [email protected]

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