Ever wondered what the science says about body language? Check out this interview Connor did with Vanessa Van Edwards, lead investigator at human behavior research lab, the Science of People.

Show Notes

In this episode you’ll learn from expert Vanessa Van Edwards about:

• The science behind body language
• How body language impacts your success
• How people perceive you as a success
• What micro-expressions are and how they are the key to confidence and charisma
• How to develop confidence and charisma, regardless of your personality type

Reading people’s body language and understanding your own body language:

Once you learn how to read body language, it’s hard to not see the signs. We should teach people how to read body language before teaching verbal social skills.

Body language should not be seen as right or wrong. Rather, it should be thought of as congruency between what is portrayed and what’s going on internally. When someone is charismatic or attractive what we’re seeing is that their words and body are in alignment.

Their facial expressions and smiles match the words “I am happy.” Congruence is much more important than best/most impressive because when trying to impress others we’re fighting inauthenticity.

Body language betrays people when they lie or “Fake it ’til they make it”

Liars have a hard time keeping their body language and words congruent. Their mind is so focused on keeping the verbal story straight that they have physical “leaks,” give away their lie.

‘Fake it ’til you make it’ can be destructive. If you’re nervous and you try to show confidence, some of your nervousness will come out, and will be perceived as a liar by others. It shows inconsistency in you. Faking it also feels terrible. Humans aren’t built to pretend to be someone that we aren’t, and it we’ll pay a price in stress when we fake it.

When people ‘fake it ’til they make it,’ they end up overcommitting and doing things they would not normally do in the hope that by overcompensating they will ‘come off’ the way they desire. It goes against who you are in principle. This poses a big challenge to building relationships with people.

We read others’ body language intuitively

Study done at TUFTs: People could accurately pick out the most successful CEOs just based on their headshots. But, this only works if study participants see the headshots for less than a second. Our first impressions are extremely accurate, but as soon as rationalization kicks in, we tend to waiver.

Faces show a lot of information. When study participants see faces, they can rank the faces in terms of how aggressive, violent, or dominant they are. Hormones change the shape of our faces, so certain people look differently. We can tell a lot about someone based on their face. We aren’t always conscious of those assessments though.

How our brain maps other peoples facial expressions, and creates an internal understanding/label of the other person.

What we know about micro-expressions

It was believed facial expressions were cultural. But studies show show that facial expressions are coded genetically. Certain emotions trigger our face to react and express a certain way. This is universal.

There are 7 reliable universal expressions: happiness, contempt, surprise, disgust, fear, sadness, and anger. Once you see these, you will never un-see them. It changes the way you interact with people. It helps you understand motivations and intentions.

Where to start with micro-expressions:

Start with happiness and contempt. Happiness has to do with authenticity. Most people think of it as a smile, but anyone can smile. The only true indicator of happiness is when the smile reaches the upper cheek muscles, only 1/10 people can consciously activate these muscles. What you want to identify is the absence of happiness. To do this, check whether people’s cheeks are tense.

The second one is contempt, which is expressed in a one-sided mouth raise. It’s a smirk, basically. Contempt is a very negative one. People think it’s boredom, apathy, or sarcasm. But contempt is a mark of scorn. It almost expresses “I’m better than you.”

The last thing you want is for someone to feel superior to you in any relationship, that is how you can be dismissed.

How to use body language to instill self-confidence and charisma

There are many flavors of charisma: To learn more about yourself, ask:

• What are your natural social strengths (be as specific as possible?)
• Are you better one-on-one, in groups, on stage?
• Can you tell stories well?
• Are you good at laughing?
• Where are you your best self? Find these moments and leverage your skills to create these kinds of situations

Using body language for connecting

The more open your body language, the more open your mind. If someone’s body language is closed, their mind is probably closed. You should consider angling your body towards the person you’re trying to attract.

Feet pointed towards, toes pointed in their direction with nothing in between you. That is how you create the space called ‘fronting.’

Guest Bio — Vanessa Van Edwards

Vanessa Van Edwards is the lead investigator at Science of People, a human behavior research lab. Her latest book, Captivate, was chosen as one of Apple’s Most Anticipated Books of 2017. She is fascinated by body language, leadership and charisma and writes about these topics for CNN, Fast Company and Forbes.
Vanessa also writes a monthly column for Entrepreneur Magazine and the Huffington Post. Her innovative work has been featured on NPR, Business Week and USA Today. More importantly she’s addicted to sour patch kids, airplane coffee and puppies.

More on ManTalks:

Beau Lotto — Why Our Brains Hate Change
Self-Confidence for Men: The Ultimate Guide
How to Find Purpose In Life: The Ultimate Guide

Subscribe to the ManTalks Podcast:

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For more episodes visit us at ManTalks.com

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Did you enjoy the podcast?
If so please leave us a review on Apple Podcasts or Stitcher. It helps our podcast get into the ears of new listeners, which expands the ManTalks Community!
Thank You to the Team:
Editing & Mixing by: Aaron Johnson

How Much Are We Really in Charge of Our Belief System?

It feels like we are, but the evidence says otherwise.

In the past several episodes of the podcast (Beau Lotto, David Bayer, Vienna Pharaon) Connor has interviewed guests whose message included some form of the following thesis, “Our belief system and therefore our actions are mostly automatic. Interrupting this belief system and choosing a new, better belief system unlocks greater success, fulfillment, and connection.”

With Beau Lotto, the message was around neuroscience.
With David Bayer, it was more about presence and awareness — you might call it a spiritual approach.
Vienna Pharaon talked about pausing to choose a new story in your relationship.
Today’s guest, Dave Asprey, takes a different approach. While he and Connor spoke about a variety of biohacking topics, the biggest takeaway was how our mind receives signals from the 1,000,000,000,000,000 mitochondria in our cells (that’s one quadrillion).
These mitochondria treat our body like a petri dish. For them it’s just a place to live, and we’ve evolved in symbiosis with them. Our experience tells us we’re conscious beings choosing how we think and act. But on a biological level this just isn’t true. In a way, the mitochondria is in control. Since it ‘wants’ to survive, it’s become adept at sending us signals it ‘believes’ will lead to our survival. Over millennia, these mitochondria have gained the ability to interface with our brains, sending us signals that color our view of reality and therefore our actions.
_____________

Watch Connor’s Interview With Dave Asprey

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Have you ever wondered how two people can experience the same thing and react in the opposite way?
I once had the pleasure of caving with a group of people as part of a retreat experience. The experience terrified some of the people, whereas it gratified a bunch of others (myself included). The next day, we were asked to paint our faces in preparation for a hike. This time I was terrified while some of the others who were scared of caving had no fear of the face-painting.
Perhaps it was past experience that made each of us feel fear. Whatever caused it, the feeling was visceral. It happened far below our so-called rational ability to choose. This just underscores a statistic that was mentioned in Connor’s interview with Vienna Pharaon — 95% of everything we do is subconscious.
Is it possible that our mitochondria was sending us some kind of signal to feel fear in certain circumstances? Dave Asprey would certainly say so. His argument is that in some sense the mitochondria ‘want’ something. They ‘want’ us to survive, and throughout our long evolutionary history this has meant developing a strong fight or flight instinct.
This is a good thing, of course. We want to flee if we’re in true danger. But in today’s world, we’re exposed to stimuli that aren’t actually dangerous. Yet our mitochondria don’t know that.
The bottom line is this: we constantly receive information from our mitochondria and often it’s highly damaging information. We often experience anxiety, fear, and depression not because we’re bad people but because our biology is telling us to feel fear.
How do you stop, think, feel, and make a new, more life-affirming choice when you’re body is automatically sending you fear signals? Our previous guests have showed us how to do this, but Asprey’s point is that it’s going to be a lot more difficult to create that gap between stimulus and response when our operating system is unhealthy at the mitochondrial level.
You have to get healthy physically and mentally at the same time. There’s no difference between the two even though we speak that way. As you emotionally, mentally, and spiritually upgrade yourself you need to consider basic biology. While you can’t stop your mitochondria from sending you signals, you CAN improve your overall health which then positively affects your mind. You’ll receive fewer fear signals and be able to make better choices.
This is where biohacking comes into play.

Make Your Mitochondria Support a Better Belief System

Dave Asprey says that two things above all else will help you develop a healthy mitochondrial environment in your body. It comes down to putting your body through short bursts of high stress, rather than living in a constant state of low stress.

Cold Exposure

Anyone who has tried the Wim Hof Method can tell you that at the very least, cold showers will make you feel very much alive every morning. Dave Asprey says that short periods of cold exposure forces your mitochondria to regenerate.
By putting yourself through short bursts of high stress, your body’s natural processes will shed the unhealthy mitochondria that send you fight or flight signals and will be replaced by healthier ones. These healthier mitochondria will send you better signals and you will develop a better belief system. Cold exposure is a major form of stress to the human body. It sucks while you’re doing it, but if you can stick it out you’ll end up doing yourself a major service.

Ketones

You’ve probably heard of ‘ketosis.’ This is when your body, instead of burning carbohydrates, burns ‘ketones’ instead.
To achieve this state you need to eat a shit load of fat and little to no carbs. It’s more complicated than that, but but high fat, no/low carbs is the basic formula. If you know anyone who has ever been in ketosis, you’ll also know that it’s a ridiculously difficult state to maintain due to the rigours of the diet.
People get religious about ketosis, but Asprey says you don’t have to. His recommendation is to take a ketone supplement, which will put your body temporarily in ketosis. This is enough, he says, to help that process of destroying weak mitochondria and generating new ones.

Guest Bio: Dave Asprey

Dave Asprey is the founder and CEO of Bulletproof, a high-performance coffee and food company, the creator of Bulletproof Coffee, host of the Webby award-winning podcast Bulletproof Radio, and a two-time NYTimes bestselling author.
His new book, Head Strong, focuses on simple tips to have a smarter, faster, more resilient brain. Dave provides groundbreaking techniques to give you control of your biology so that you can reach a state of high performance.

Here’s a Few More Highlights Discussed in the Episode

• How to shift in perspective from “strengthening weaknesses” to “problem-solving”
• The upside to being new is having a fresh perspective
• Breaking myths — You have X number of brain cells and if you kill them you can’t regrow them
• Our brain spends a lot of time focusing on unconscious fears in order to prevent those situations
• How advancements in technology are shifting how the brain functions and perceives environments
• Our brains are a pattern recognizing machine, and to become more efficient we need to unlearn certain patterns and relearn better, more purposeful pattern

Resources Mentioned in This Episode

• Dave’s new book Headstrong
• The Bulletproof Diet 
• Viome Test  — use the code “Bulletproof” for a free copy of Dave’s new book Head Strong

You Might Also Like:

How to Find Purpose in Life
The 5 Key Steps to Editing Your Life Story

More About ManTalks:

For more information about ManTalks or to join a ManTalks Mastermind: Click Here
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For more episodes visit us at ManTalks.com
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Did you enjoy the podcast?
If so please leave us a review on Apple Podcasts or Stitcher. It helps our podcast get into the ears of new listeners, which expands the ManTalks Community!
Thank You to the Team:
Editing & Mixing by: Aaron Johnson

Editor’s Note: When your dad was young he probably had higher testosterone than you do (assuming you’re between 18 and 45). We’re the generation that sits on our asses, scrolling through social apps. You’re probably not as active as most men were 50 years ago. When was the last time you threw a hay bale, for example? But by understanding hormones and following the right course, you can beat lowered testosterone. 

What Does the Research Say?

Exercise may be just what men with lowered testosterone need. According to fitness professionals and doctors, there is still a lot of research to be done about the effects of exercise on hormone levels in the body. But regardless of the causes of lowered testosterone levels, one thing is clear; you may benefit greatly from a regular workout routine.
Research has found that, after workouts, the levels of androgen in the body rises significantly. Although these peaks are not for long, for about 20 minutes after workouts, men should be happy with the improvements.
While these bursts of testosterone may seem too short for some people, they are enough to leave you feeling a huge difference. Exercises have other health benefits too, which is a nice bonus..

1.Your Food and Workouts are Linked to Lowered Testosterone

Healthy eating and at least 45 minutes of exercises each day, especially in the morning, will prove to be very useful in fighting lowered testosterone. Even restrictive diets such as the cruise control one, on which you only need to know what you shouldn’t eat, have great benefits for overall health and help you reach your fitness goal.
Have you noticed how Mel Gibson’s physique has improved greatly over the past couple of years? This is as a result of workouts that have boosted his lowered testosterone and helped improve his lean muscle mass.
There is reliable evidence that shows that resistance training triggers an increase in the production of testosterone in the body. Plus, working out promotes weight loss and improved bone density, which are the two most common symptoms of lowered testosterone levels.
Resistance training not only boosts your androgenic hormone levels, but, according to Sylvester Stallone, it also addresses issues like fatigue and low stamina.
Perhaps more reputably, the Journal of Andrology studied 32 men who had low masculine hormone levels and type 2 diabetes. The test subjects were supervised over a 52 week period. During this time, along with testosterone therapy, half the men were involved in a regular workout and diet schedules.
Their androgenic hormone levels improved significantly. Surprisingly, even the half of the men who were only exercising and eating healthy also experienced a hormonal boost.

2. Certain Workouts Are Better Than Others For Reversing Lowered Testosterone

The truth is that all exercises are great and may cause an increase in testosterone. However, some workouts may not trigger the same increase as others.

Weight Lifting

One of the best ways to boost your levels of the hormone is resistance training and weightlifting. When it comes to creating a testosterone boost, weightlifting always trumps cardio workouts. Researchers suggest that this increase is as a result of the muscles that are built during the workouts.

Cardio Workouts

If your lowered testosterone levels have kept you from working out in the past, you may want to begin with cardio exercises. They are critical.
Besides, they promote heart health and increase weight loss. To get the most out of cardio workouts you can combine them with resistance training — either with or without machines.
Strength training after cardio workouts is also a great way to go. By doing this, you’ll both boost testosterone and the keep your heart healthy.

Work with a Trainer

One huge mistake many people make is to assume they can figure out what their bodies need just by listening to it. Well, a man with lowered testosterone levels (and lowered levels of other masculine hormones) feels fatigued and worn out most of the time. If they merely ‘listen to their body’ they would never workout.
At the same time, beginning with workouts that are too intense may end up hurting your muscles, which often stops people from ever wanting to exercise again.
But workouts that are too easy or simple may not trigger your body to produce androgen, and thus end up being useless. A trainer will know what exercises are appropriate and at what time.

3. Most Critical Components to Consider to Stop Lowered Testosterone

Age

Unlike younger men, the level of androgen boost experienced by older men is much lower. This does not mean that older men should not exercise. Workouts help improve their muscle and bone mass and allow them to have better balance in their bodies. Plus it does increase testosterone to the degree possible for them.

Weight

One of the easiest ways to ensure that you maintain peak androgen levels is to remain at your recommended BMI. Men who are obese or overweight tend to have low testosterone levels.
Therefore, the easiest way to boost testosterone is to shed excess weight, which you can do by working out and maintaining a balanced diet. You might also notice that the external markers we normally associate with fitness — like a healthy weight — correlate with healthy testosterone.
This is true. A simple rule of thumb: healthy testosterone levels equals healthy body. As one deteriorates the other will, too.

When You Work out

The time you work out will also determine the hormone release. Testosterone levels are usually highest in the morning, so working out during then will boost your testosterone levels throughout the day.
Morning workouts (and increased testosterone levels in the morning) will also lead you to experience a boost in energy levels. This is another that healthy testosterone improves your life.

Conclusion

Not only do workouts give you the testosterone boost you need, but they also make your life easier. However, ensure that you have enough time to rest between workouts and eat healthy.
This will give your body enough time to heal after workouts and ensure that you can vary your exercise. Also, your workouts will be sure to give you the testosterone boost you need.
By keeping a healthy physique and eating a healthy diet you can keep lowered testosterone levels at bay.

More on the ManTalks Blog:

Self-Confidence for Men: The Ultimate Guide
How to Be the Best Version of Yourself
Male Attractiveness: The Female Perspective
__________
Mike Jones started working out when he was overweight. He saw the benefits, not only on his physique but also on his health.
After years of training, Mike breaths better, doesn’t get tired as often, and his blood tests are at the normal values.
If interested in keeping up with Mike’s work, check his Twitter.

Mindset is Everything: A Deep Dive Into the Mechanics of Your Powerful but Error-Prone Mind

Your success depends on your ability to eliminate what’s not important and move beyond anxieties and distractions. In other words: it depends on mindset mastery. At the end of this episode you’ll agree that mindset is everything.

Imagine being grateful for your rock-bottom. This week’s guest, David Bayer, feels this way about his rock-bottom. But this episode isn’t about David’s addictions, or even the gratitude he now feels when looking back on his personal rock bottom.
Although we touched on all of those and much more. So what’s this episode about?

It’s about mindset mastery…

David is one of the most powerful proponents and spokespeople for mindset mastery alive today. Why does mindset matter so much? Put simply: mindset is everything. Everything you want to achieve depends on your mindset.
If you’re reading this blog article or listening to our podcast, it means you’re the kind of person who is currently seeking greater levels of self-awareness. It means you’re looking for an edge so you can continue to be a high-performer. Or maybe you’re just looking to be a better man.
I salute you for being such an individual.
Because the world has enough automatons, running on autopilot, letting past programming run their lives. In fact, as David points out we are always running up against our limiting beliefs. These have traveled with you from the past like unwanted stowaways on Spaceship You.
But there is a way to overcome this past conditioning and build something new. While teachers throughout history have been describing it in their own way, David has created a powerful method for breaking the tethers of past conditioning.
It rests on the distinction between the two types of mindset we’re always in at every moment.

Beautiful vs. Suffering Mindset

You are always in one of these states. But you’re never in both.
According to David, achieving mindset mastery is largely a matter of becoming aware when you have crossed into suffering, then identifying the thoughts (limiting beliefs) that have catapulted you there.
If you can do that, you can then make the decision to believe a different set of thoughts.In that moment you re-launch yourself into a beautiful mindset. From there you can create powerfully.
But it’s a regular practice. We seem to believe that if we try something once and it doesn’t stick forever, it means we’ve failed. So we give up.
This is a choice you’ll have to make over and over again.

There is a lot more about mindset mastery in this episode…

More than I can cover in this summary.
But here are the brass tacks: if you’re looking for an edge, this podcast has the power to do it as much or more than any other. Learn from David, then live what he teaches.
Do it now, because life is fucking short and mindset is everything.

Here’s a rundown of some of the most powerful mindset mastery takeaways from this episode:

1. The mindset to overcoming hurdles in life
2. How to tackle self-limiting beliefs in relationship and/or intimacy
3. How hitting “rock bottom” is a blessing in disguise
4. About the definition of “true forgiveness”
5. That there are only two states of being – the “beautiful” and “suffering”
6. About the emotional compass of our daily operation
7. The only real cause of suffering – what is real vs what man has introduced into the world
8. Suffering is caused by the meaning we give our circumstances
9. Our thoughts cause suffering
10. The thinking that is causing suffering is not true
11. Your body is designed to feel when thoughts aren’t aligned with reality
12. Thus you experience suffering/anxiety/overwhelm (not aligned with reality)
13. Beliefs are decisions
14. For example: If you believe money is scarce, it means you’ve decided this
15. A 2-step process to become aware of the things hiding in your blind spots
16. How critically analyzing your thinking leads to liberation and the ability to change
17. Since beliefs are decisions, you can choose to make new decisions and change beliefs
18. The concept of “Neurosculpting”
19. Whether “problems” really exist and how our perception creates our reality

If You Liked This, You Should Also Check Out:

Podcast: Beau Lotto — Why Our Brains Hate Change
Podcast: Dr. Kevin Gilliland — Masterind Mindset & Preventing Depression
Podcast: Tom Bilyeu — Impact Theory
Article: : How to Find Purpose in Life: The Ultimate Guide
Article: How to Be the Best Version of Yourself

Guest Bio: David Bayer

David Bayer is an entrepreneur, speaker, writer, seminar leader and certified personal development coach. David is the Creator of The Powerful Living Experience and The Higher Power System. He also serves as CEO of chamberofcommerce.com, the leading online business directory and blog for small businesses.
After graduating from Columbia University (’98) David launched his first start-up, PopWall.com, at the age of 22, and quickly established himself as an early online expert. In 2000 David left his first company to join Ducati Motorcycles as executive responsible for developing the luxury brand’s online business.
In two years, www.ducati.com sold the first motorcycle online, generated $70,000,000 in online revenue, and was the 7th highest grossing ecommerce site in Europe. Upon returning to the states, David raised several rounds of venture capital investment for DataBanq, an online lead generation company focused on local search.
In 2009 DataBanq acquired the rights to chamberofcommerce.com where David serves as CEO. chamberofcommerce.com works with more than 100,000 local business owners and entrepreneurs to help grow their businesses.
Throughout his career David has worked with a variety of clients including FedEx, Washington Mutual, MBNA, Office Depot, Tiger Direct, Best Buy, CompUSA, Vistaprint, iContact and Salesforce.com to name a few.
In 2014, David launched the Powerful Living Experience, a program that transforms the lives of individuals and organizations through David’s unique processes and beliefs-based methodologies.
David is currently focused on making the Powerful Living Experience and the Higher Power System available through online programs, private workshops, his books and blog, speaking engagements and the once-per-year Powerful Living Experience Live Event.

Guest Gift: Mind Hack Program Ebook

Get David’s e-Book at: https://mindhackprogram.com/mantalks

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Thank You to the Team:

Editing & Mixing by: Aaron Johnson

Note: “How to Find Purpose in Life: The Ultimate Guide” is a long-form DEEP DIVE article . If you don’t have time to read it now CLICK HERE to download it as a PDF. Or, if you want to be notified when we release our purpose training CLICK HERE.

Part 1: One Man’s Journey of How to Find Purpose in Life

The Call: The First Phase of Living a Life on Purpose

Mark was 26 years old and every morning woke up praying for a good reason to stay in bed that day. All aspects of his life caused him anxiety even though he had a good job, a nice apartment, and friendships. His life appeared good, but there was no fooling his inner perception. (Keep reading if you’re interested in how to find purpose in life.)
Mark was educated, polite, and in decent shape. He had a nice condo, new furniture, and a nice car, yet day-by-day he struggled to start his day. The task felt monumental and he knew in his bones that he couldn’t continue. He knew he’d either end up sick, crazy, depressed, or all of the above.
Getting up out of bed was bad enough, but work was no better. There, Mark would wander aimlessly between ‘water cooler’ chit-chat and boring work. He could have done his job better but didn’t. Staying sucked, but the idea of leaving overwhelmed him because of the effort it would take.
He had the constant feeling he was watching his own life happen to him, but he didn’t feel sad or upset by any of this. He was just ambivalent and not in control. Mark’s life was a solid ‘meh.’
He wanted to travel, but he didn’t have the money. He wanted to volunteer with a charity, but he was strapped for time. Mark was always a little tired and a little bored. After work, Mark would hit the gym. He was relatively strong but had been lifting the exact same weights for a few years in the same pattern. He once wanted to be an athlete, but he got ‘too busy’ and lost focus
His dating life had gone from okay to non-existent. Mark longed to connect with women but was frustrated by the process and more often than not just settled for a brief, shameful porn-date with his computer just before bed. He once justified his porn habit that it helped him sleep at night, but these days nothing helped him sleep. Mark never wanted to go to bed, as though staying up would somehow delay the sun from rising the next day.
One night when he could no longer accept the endless loop of YouTube, Facebook, Twitter, and Netflix, Mark took out a dusty journal and started reflecting. The words came out choppy at first, as he was out of practice and had forgotten what it was like to get lost in healthy mental effort. His mental faculties had begun to atrophy already.
Before long, the choppiness gave way to determination. The feeling of putting pen-to-paper taxed his mind, but just like lifting heavy weight on the edge of one’s ability it felt good. With every frustrated thought, emotional pang, and insight Mark felt stronger.
He pushed through and thought he’d reached his pinnacle for the night, so he decided to stop and chalked it up to muscle memory. He put his pen down and settled in for a good night’s sleep. After all, it was still early compared to his normal habits.
But unlike most nights, Mark’s mind was now infected with emotions and thoughts. Normally, he’d swipe these thoughts away with distraction. But on this night, his feelings had more resonance. They felt connected to a higher purpose.
He was both excited and scared by this development.

He’d always avoided the strange call of such unknown experience and routinely mocked the more spiritually inclined seekers he saw on social media. It unnerved him that he could feel this way. Mark always considered himself a rational, logical guy. He avoided weird shit like ‘spiritual experience.’ How would he explain this? How would he look?
After fifteen minutes of wide-awake contemplation, Mark accepted that he wouldn’t be sleeping any time soon. So, he clicked on his bedside lamp and picked up his pen and journal again.
Whereas he was previously determined, Mark now felt something new — flow. Instead of determinedly scrawling sentences, Mark’s right hand now danced across the page. He made analogies, created imagery, and wrote about his hopes, dreams, desires, and plans. And he did it effortlessly.
Mark had heard about flow before in relation to athletes and geniuses. But he didn’t know he could feel it himself. He was adamant about a great many things, underlining certain phrases until the paper nearly gave way. He KNEW that things had to change and that he needed to take different actions.
When Mark next looked at the clock it was 2:00 am and he’d been writing for three hours. Finally, spent, he put down his pen and notebook. As he finally drifted off to sleep, Mark knew one thing for certain: he couldn’t live another forty years like this. He WOULDN’T live another forty years like this.

Work: The Never-Ending Phase of Living Life on Purpose

If you’ve ever experienced an epiphany, you’ll understand Mark’s experience. He was both thrilled and utterly terrified. He was filled with energy but didn’t have a good idea where to direct it. That night, it felt freeing to scrawl out his hopes and dreams, but upon waking the next morning he found that a fairy godmother hadn’t arrived with the resources to make them real.
Thus began the long process of work. He didn’t know exactly what he was looking for, but he knew it wasn’t what he was doing. He didn’t know how he’d get to his new destination, he just knew that he would.
Without total clarity, Mark simply allowed himself be guided by his interests. He quit scrolling through the Internet and started reading books, follow blogs, and listen to podcasts.
The answers didn’t come immediately, but certain things became obvious. He noticed that this new way of being gave him FAR more motivation day-to-day. His stagnant weightlifting routine changed when he found a community of others dedicated to fitness. He found himself working harder in the gym and doing different movements. The stubborn ten pounds of fat melted away, and he was lifting more weight than ever before.
Upon arriving home after work, Mark would put on a podcast or audiobook while cooking healthy food. Still listening after dinner, Mark would tidy-up his kitchen and any other part of his house that needed it. Eventually, he extended his tidying to his personal appearance, financial affairs, and relationships. Whereas before he’d make sloppy purchases of stuff he didn’t need, Mark now checked in with his budgeting apps regularly. He saved more money and this felt good.
He spent many evenings calling friends he previously neglected along with new friends. Mark focused on only calling the people who made him feel good. Rather than masturbating to porn, Mark made a point of connecting with the women he was attracted to. Soon dating became part of his life again.
He usually wrapped up his evenings by reading — with a particular focus on learning new ideas that would infect his mind with possibility. Other times he journaled. Sometimes both. But always he would find himself contentedly sleeping by ten o’clock. He had to, because he knew he’d be up early the next morning, pushing his body at the gym with his fitness friends.
At work, Mark still didn’t like his job. But instead of lamenting this fact, he game-ified the experience by trying to complete his tasks faster and better than anyone else, then taking on more work with his excess time. This led to his boss giving him more responsibility. This didn’t come without a cost, though, as some of his co-workers resented him. Mark realized immediately it was a price he was willing to pay. He was making more money, which, when combined with his better budgeting and spending habits meant a healthier bank account. All of a sudden the travel idea wasn’t so far-fetched.
All this time, Mark was developing the capacity to think, learn, feel, and give a shit — all things that were dormant. But living this lifestyle, Mark still hadn’t found any answers to the big questions that began the night of his epiphany. Moreover, he didn’t really understand why that night happened. Could he recreate it? Did it even make sense to try?
Still, even without the answers, Mark was content to feel good again. He didn’t need all the answers, because the process felt good enough. But one evening while reading, he came across an article titled:7 Strange Questions That Help You Find Your Life Purpose.
The article itself, by über-blogger Mark Manson, was a great read. But it got Mark thinking about a question that he wrote down on a blank page in his journal: What is my purpose in life? It was a question he not only couldn’t answer, but it dumbfounded him. He realized he’d never even asked himself that question before, much less find an answer.
Once the seed had been planted, it took over Mark’s mind. He had to have a purpose, he had to have something to live for. It became almost like an obsession.

Success: Living Life on Purpose Never Ends, But You Can Reach Goals Along the Way

After becoming obsessed with the idea of purpose, Mark began writing in his spare time. The creative outlet felt great and the skills it forced him to develop served him as he took weekend courses that would help him transition in his career.
Mark realized he eventually wanted a family, so he went to work becoming the kind of man a wonderful woman would want to marry and have kids with. He worked at truly connecting on dates and understanding each women as deeply as he could. Mark would graciously, respectfully, and firmly end the relationship with any woman who wasn’t a good fit. He practiced direct, empathetic communication rather than dodging relationship problems.
Mark felt weightless when he finally quit his job and switched careers. He had a serious amount of work ahead of him, but it no longer felt like a burden, it felt like a challenge he was ready for.
Here’s the truth about Mark: he’s actually a composite sketch created from  dozens of different men we’ve worked with at ManTalks and who I’ve met elsewhere. Many modern men are some combination of the things we’ve mentioned about Mark, above.
Does any portion of it remind you of your own life?
Maybe you’re not as dissatisfied by your work but still aimlessly peruse social media at night. Maybe you’re in good shape but your relationships are a mess. Whatever combination describes you, we’ve seen that these are universal issues experienced by most men — myself included. Purpose is a lifetime obsession and we can always be better.
Have you ever felt bored and uninspired by life? Ever dragged yourself back and forth between meaningless tasks and distractions? Have you ever seriously wondered what the fuck you’re going to do with the rest of your life? Felt fear, anxiety, or concern that this is all there is and it’s meaningless so what’s the point?
Have you ever turned that struggle into forward movement and had your mind infected by an idea? Ever stayed up late with an epiphany? Have you ever experienced the juxtaposition of living a low energy, unengaged life versus an engaged, learning-centric, healthy life? Most of all: have you ever been utterly obsessed by the question of your own purpose?
If you answered yes to any of those questions, let me ask you:
How would finding your purpose in life (or living your purpose) help you?

Part 2: The Benefits of Living Life on Purpose

Numerous researchers have looked at whether finding a life’s purpose has any tangible impact or whether it’s just a buzzword used by life coaches and gurus.
I’ll dive into it a bit below, but the short answer is “yes.” According to research published in Psychological Science, “[f]eeling that you have a sense of purpose in life may help you live longer, no matter what your age.”1
That might seem improbable, but let me ask you this: have you ever met an elderly person with a sense of purpose versus an elderly person without a sense of purpose? The difference is obvious. Meaning is the one thing that will carry you through life in a healthy way. It’s the one thing between you and living a life of personal hell every day, because there are plenty enough problems in the world that threaten to make life feel utterly pointless.
Another study found that developing a purpose in life can, “slash your risk of heart disease, stroke, and Alzheimer’s, curb anxiety and depression, and improve your sex life.”2
So not only will you live a longer life, but your purpose-filled life will be happier, healthier and sexier. We know this intuitively, don’t we? Have you ever experienced been out with friends while feeling full of purpose?

If so, you’ll know that in this state, your words are animated, you listen intently to whomever you’re speaking with, and you glow with energy. Like magic you notice women noticing you. If you’re in a crowd of friends they find ways to sit near you, laughing at your jokes and engaging with you.
Others notice your purposeful demeanor. How could they not? It comes with an unmistakable energy that’s attractive to everyone. If others were to try explaining your attractiveness later, they may say it has something to do with confidence or vibrancy. This is why a sometimes less physically attractive person is sexier. It comes back to the energy they exude, not the ‘toolbox’ of physical qualities.
But confidence and vibrancy are just external descriptors of a process happening much deeper in the human psyche. Why do you feel free to crack that joke that’s just across the line (but not too far)? Why do you feel confident enough to openly discuss your ideas without getting angry when you hit some disagreement?
Purpose (and it’s twin: meaning) is the answer. These deep life experiences breed the surface level expressions of confidence, charisma, and integrity.
If you’ve had the experience of being inexplicably attractiveness you likely only understand it because you’ve also had the opposite: the feeling of being socially invisible. This might happen when you reluctantly drag yourself away from an eight-hour Netflix binge fueled by three bags of Miss Vickie’s Sea Salt & Vinegar chips (with all the attendant self-loathing that entails) and force yourself to socialize.
By extension, you know you’re not experiencing purpose when in that state. Thus it’s not surprising you find yourself quietly sipping your drink on the edge of the table as nobody, least of all an attractive woman, notices you.
It’s clear that there are some powerful reasons to live a life of purpose. But what are the actual mechanisms that create such profound change in our lives? Why does it work?

Living on Purpose Creates Consistency of Action

Our attention and energy are woefully finite. Purpose keeps us consistent in our action so we can build momentum.
As you push yourself constantly along the same path of action you stretch yourself to be better. This is known as healthy stress.
This consistency then helps reduce decision-making complexity. Instead of trying to weigh all possible outcomes, you simply ask: “which action best aligns with my purpose?” This reduces negative stress you experience when you wonder whether or not you’re doing the right thing and trying to keep your head above water. You won’t regret missed opportunities when they don’t align with your purpose.
Anything that reduces bad stress and maximizes healthy stress will improve the quality of your life.
But moreover, consistency of action produces momentum. With a cornucopia of options available to any intelligent adult with internet access, too many of us bounce between priorities. We take on too many goals at once, which to our unfocused mind seems like a good strategy The logic is simple but fals. It goes: “If I do more, I will be more successful.” This is wrong. Less is always more in terms of priorities. In terms of action, more is more only if the action is focused.

Coherence of Goals

Most of us are scattershot and unfocused, purpose aims us.
Having coherent goals helps us achieve real progress, which helps us financially, physically and mentally. Many people have lived this incoherence of goals when it comes to changing their eating patterns. Of course, you can’t achieve anything in a week. So, people move onto the next diet without ever getting a result on the first one.
Their goals are incoherent.
But why do people hop between behaviors when trying to make change? For me it has always come back to lack of clearly defined purpose.
By finding your life’s purpose (and living your life’s purpose) you will be able to better create (and stick to) goals because they align with your purpose, allowing you to stay motivated and dedicated.
A man who can improve his physical, mental, and financial well-being consistently will soon find himself living in abundance. What’s the opposite of that? Bouncing around between targets, never finishing one, never getting the full result of any accomplishment.
Purpose solves this.

A Life on Purpose Gives You More Life Satisfaction

Most of us never even consider what it would take to be truly satisfied, so we substitute satiation with satisfaction. Satisfaction is when you fall asleep at night knowing you did everything you needed to do that day and have no regrets.  Only purpose will give you the energy, internal drive, and focus to do that.
A Stanford study looked at the relationship between purpose and life satisfaction for three different age groups: adolescents, emerging adults, and adults. The study, “revealed that having identified a purpose in life was associated with greater life satisfaction at these three stages of life.”3
An important note from the study showed that “searching for purpose” didn’t have the same benefits as finding purpose. Therefore it’s important that you take appropriate steps to ensure you plan your purpose and don’t get lost on the path of constant searching.
This is solved by a mental bargain you make with yourself. We’ll go into more detail about this below but it essentially looks like this: Based on an honest look at your life you set your purpose in some major areas of importance. From there, you simply assume that what you’ve stated is your current life’s purpose. You don’t stay in search mode. But below that remains a layer of awareness where you know your purpose will shift. You set aside time to review and adjust your purpose.
Without this bargain, every new piece of information will feel like a reason to shift course. You will be lost on the path of always searching, never finding, which, instead of adding to your life satisfaction will only take more of your life satisfaction.
We’ve all met someone like this. Don’t get stuck there. Take action and recognize that purpose constantly shifts in small ways.

Living on Purpose Makes You More Attractive to Women

Whether you know it or not, people will admire you for living a life of purpose. This includes women, who will find your purposefulness attractiveness.
We mentioned this above, but it’s worth discussing in a bit more detail. Also note that this applies to you even if you already have a committed partner. Don’t take her for granted. Stay the kind of man she wants to be attracted to.
Though there’s little research behind this, there’s much anecdotal evidence that having (and living) a life of purpose will make you more attractive to members of the opposite sex.
At the very least it will make you attract the right kind of people. If you are wishy-washy, uncommitted, and lost you will not attract a partner who is driven, successful and happy.
Women are pulled in by men who know what they want and are going to go after it, because this energy is safe for them. They know their needs will be taken care by a man who knows how to set a clear purpose and achieve it. These men have learned to differentiate between what is part of their purpose and what is not. This decisiveness is sexy.
But it’s even simpler than that, too. A man of purpose will do things like dress appropriately, practice immaculate personal hygiene, exercise, keep his home clean, read stimulating texts, and have a tribe full of high-quality men as friends. All of these are attractive in their own right, and women pick up on those things, even beyond the decisiveness and direction.

Living on Purpose Anchors You to Meaning

In past times, everyone in society was laden with traditional responsibilities. While this had its negative aspects, there was something immensely powerful in this grounding. The truth is that most of modern people could use more healthy anchors.
Purpose helps keep us strong throughout the hardest of storms life can throw at us.
In his book, Man’s Search for Meaning, Victor Frankl said,

“I had wanted simply to convey to the reader by way of concrete example that life holds a potential meaning under any conditions, even the most miserable ones. And I thought that if the point were demonstrated in a situation as extreme as that in a concentration camp, my book might gain a hearing. I therefore felt responsible for writing down what I had gone through, for I thought it might be helpful to people who are prone to despair.

The entire book is, I believe, the most powerful, touching, and elegant description of the benefits of purpose and meaning that exists. If you have no purpose to ground you when life goes sideways, as it undoubtedly will, you are much more likely to get lost and lose sight of hope.
A quick caveat: finding your purpose in life doesn’t necessarily mean happiness. Men will often say, “I’m happy with my life.” That may well be true even while feeling overwhelming emptiness inside. Happiness and purpose are not synonymous. Finding your purpose often brings you happiness, but being happy will not give you meaning.
As one article notes, “A Stanford research project explored the key differences between lives of happiness and meaningfulness. While the two are similar, dramatic differences exist – and one should not underestimate the power of meaningfulness. ‘The quest for meaning is a key part of what makes us human,’ the researchers concluded.”4
If you can’t find deep meaning through purpose in your life, you’re missing out on a key facet (if not the key facet) of being human.
By now you may be saying: “Okay I get it, I need to find my purpose but how?”

Part 3: Action

How to Find Your Purpose in Life

“Destiny is not a matter of chance, it is a matter of choice. It is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved.” ~ Napoleon Hill

What follows will be a brief overview of the exact steps we use at ManTalks to help our members find their purpose and begin living it immediately.
Note: When you’re ready to do the entire process check out our supplementary article “How to Find Your Life Purpose: A Step-By-Step Guide.” That article will walk you through the steps to creating a powerful purpose statement in detail. You CAN do this by yourself at home using that article.
But, if you happen to live in Vancouver and are ready for a deeper experience I’d encourage you to check out the ManTalks Mastermind or Performance Mastermind where we do an in-person deep dive into creating purpose.
It’s one thing learning how to find purpose in life. But living life on purpose is another. It requires discipline and commitment over years.
Purpose is a beginning not an ending.
You never really ‘achieve your purpose’ you act it out daily. You’ll have a life on purpose when your actions align with your highest self.
Your purpose is already within you. The process I will outline below only helps you uncover the purpose that already exists. This process merely helps align your actions with what you already know is important.

This is (A Sketch of) Our Purpose Training Method

This following brief sketch is the method we use internally at ManTalks and has been proven effective by our members. It was developed by our team, led by Mike Muscari. For a deeper dive into this method check out “How to Find Your Life Purpose: A Step-By-Step Guide.”

Visioning

To create a purpose statement to guide your daily actions, you must first engage your visionary, creative energy. To do this this you must ‘forget’ about practical concerns and allow yourself to dream without inhibition. You’ll take care of the practical concerns later.

Goals

What would living your purpose look like externally? Think about this when you create your goals. It’s vital that you create the right goals, based on true purpose. Refer to your vision when creating goals.

Objectives

Goals are too big of a unit. To achieve it you must complete several smaller objectives. This process of ‘chunking it down’ is vital to reaching your goals.

Determine the Cost

Every goal and objective comes at a cost. This is an immutable law. Try to ignore it at your peril. It always costs some combination of money, time, and sacrifice. Determining this cost allows you to say no in the present so you can achieve a bigger goal in the future.

Accountability

Spending your time in a purposeful community keeps you on track. Set up your life so that you’re constantly surrounded by others, who, like you, are living on purpose.

Evaluation

It’s easy to fall off the path. The best way to bring yourself back to the path is to keep score. Set dates with yourself to make an honest evaluation.

Revision

Along with evaluation comes revision. As you evaluate you will drop goals that don’t fit your purpose and add ones that do. You will double check the objectives and the cost as you learn new information.


Click the image to take our short purpose self-assessment quiz.

Conclusion: How to Find Purpose in Life

This article contains a lot of information. But don’t let the scope of this task stop you.
Don’t let your eyes glaze over and go back to checking baseball/basketball/football/hockey scores.
If you felt a pull of curiosity please commit to living a life of purpose right now.
Live life like you only have one at bat. Don’t spend it in a wishy-washy grey zone. Build, create, discover and fight for the future you’ve always wanted. As Henry David Thoreau said,

“Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined.”

Special Request

If this article was helpful please do one or more of the following:

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3. Leave a comment

Read More on the ManTalks Blog:

Self-Confidence: The Ultimate Guide for Men
Robert Augustus Masters: Outgrowing Porn, Finding Purpose, and Managing Anger
How to Find a Mastermind Group: The Complete Guide
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About the Authors

 Zander Robertson is ManTalks’ Content Director. Prior to joining ManTalks, Zander had an illustrious career ghostwriting books behind-the-scenes for business and personal development leaders across North America. Zander is at his best when learning something new every day and applying it. These days he’s geeking out on psychology, philosophy, SEO, PPC advertising, and cryptocurrency. Zander has written over 20 books and plans to write more in the future. Why did he join ManTalks? After building his own band-of-brothers, he saw the need and importance of building this space for men. It’s all about the vision.
Michael Muscari is the director of the ManTalks Mastermind program and founder of NanoNutra, an innovative supplement company specializing in liposomal technology.

Michael is a lifestyle architect, serial entrepreneur, biohacker, and purpose seeker. He credits much of his success to a deep personal commitment to living a life of purpose.

Seeing the benefits of living with purpose, Mike now does detailed purpose training both within the ManTalks community and externally. To contact Michael about the ManTalks Mastermind or his purpose training, email [email protected].

Thomas Walker is a frequent contributor to ManTalks. He is also the co-founder of Metta Natural Awareness Beverage, a revolutionary drink built around helping peoples bodies adapt to stress to improve their performance.

Thomas is a passionate fitness enthusiast and world traveller. He gave up a career in law to pursue his passions and become an entrepreneur. He has re-invented his life a number of times, constantly using a return to his deeper purpose to guide him.

Thomas is constantly on the lookout for tools and methods to help himself grow. He is active within the ManTalks community and a proud mastermind member. To contact Thomas go to drinkmetta.com or projectkailo.com

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Notes

1. https://www.psychologicalscience.org/news/releases/having-a-sense-of-purpose-in-life-may-add-years-to-your-life.html 
2.  https://www.newscientist.com/article/2119201-three-ways-to-find-your-purpose-in-life-and-reap-the-benefits 
3. https://news.stanford.edu/news/2014/january/meaningful-happy-life-010114.html 
4. https://coa.stanford.edu/publications/purpose-hope-and-life-satisfaction-three-age-groups
5. https://medium.com/the-mission/the-accountability-effect-a-simple-way-to-achieve-your-goals-and-boost-your-performance-8a07c76ef53a