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Malina Parmar

If You Think Your Relationship Is Fine, You’re Probably In Deep S***

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When someone asks you about your marriage or relationship, how do you reply?
When they say, “So, how are things at home?”, or “How are things with you and your girlfriend?”
You say … what?
Maybe you say something like, “It’s fine. We’re doing great.”
Turns out, that’s often a statement that’s pretty far from the truth.
Together with my wife, I lead live trainings for couples and singles. Some men who attend are married, some are in long-term relationships, and some are single.
Before every training, we send a pre-training questionnaire to everyone. That means, both the man and his partner gets the questionnaire and they each get to rate how they’re doing on communication, sex, working as a team, spending quality time together, and so forth.
One of the last questions in the questionnaire says, “If you don’t find a solution to your situation, what will your relationship future look like?”
Hundreds and hundreds of men have come through this training, and time and time again, I’ll see a man state that his relationship is “fine” or “ok”, while his wife or partner say she’s an inch away from divorcing him!
So it’s a common thing that a man thinks his relationship is fine, whereas the reality is his relationship is in deep shit and could be over before he knows it.
As one of my, now divorced, friends said after his wife had moved out and found a new man, “I knew we had some trouble – I just figured we’d get to it some day!”
What is up with that?
Are men just oblivious, keeping their heads in the sand? (Or are women making too big of deal of small problems, yelling “fire” when it’s not really that bad?)
Based on my experience with hundreds of men, both in group settings and private coaching, here’s what’s going in the background:

  • Men operate on an “Emergency Principle”. That means we don’t take action until there’s a REALLY good reason, if not a flat-out emergency. In the domain of intimate relationships, women are much more likely to take preventive action as soon as they smell a whiff of smoke, whereas men are more likely to do nothing until they house in engulfed in flames. One man who came to our training after his separation said, “I knew my wife had been talking about us having problems and we should get help, but I didn’t really take it seriously. Until the day she said, “You’re moving out – TODAY!” (She was dead serious. He moved out. And by doing some really good work in our trainings, they actually found their way back together, but not all stories have such nice endings).
  • Men have a deep, intense fear of failing. Men tend to take a failing marriage or relationship as a statement of their personal failings as a man. As in, “I AM a failure!” That really hurts, and men go to great lengths not to be confronted with that feeling. Ironically, by not wanting to admit that we have relationship problems, so that we won’t have to face the prospect of failing, we end up contributing to just that: Failure.
  • Men primarily focus on other things than relationship. It’s been shown in lots of different ways that women generally put relationship as their first priority in life, whereas for men, relationship comes in as a number 4 or 5 on the priority list, behind work, career, money, and providing for the family. That means we have a natural tendency to leave the “business of relationship” to our partners – that is, until a squeaky wheel begins to make noise. Men tend to apply their best focus and be mostly in their “zone” at work or in sports. Many men find it really difficult to apply that kind of pointed focus and excellence in relationship, partly because intimate relationship is a much more fuzzy discipline than work or sport which have clear and defined objectives.

These are some of the main reasons why men are often totally surprised when their partners, seemingly out of the blue, blow up or want to leave.
There’s a judgment men often hear from their partners when things aren’t going well: “You don’t care about our relationship”.
In my experience, that is not the case. We care, and we feel deep pain, shame, and fear when things go sideways and our partners are visibly unhappy.
At the same time, we often make it easy for our partners to think we don’t care, mostly through our lack of pointed focus on our relationship and sometimes lack of skill in the intimacy department.
So what’s a man to do?
A few places to start that other men have found effective:

  • First and foremost, pay closer attention to how you feel and how your partner feels. If you don’t know how your partner feels, ask her. I know, many men have an awkward relationship to feelings, but it’s the #1 thing to get your head around. If you take your own and your partner’s feelings a bit more seriously, you won’t be caught off-guard, because you’ll have felt the warning bells.
  • Think of your intimate relationship more like a sport, or even like a business. In those areas, you want to bring your best performance, and you want to learn new skills. Plus, you don’t ever forget to go to work, or just neglect to show up to a client meeting, right? You do those tasks because they need to be done, and because it’s the right thing to do. How would you show up in your relationship if you treated it like your business?
  • Figure out what makes your woman happy, and do more of those things. Many men will protest and say, “But I love her. I bust my ass for her, I do X-Y-Z”. That’s great. And what you’re offering is probably not what she needs. That’s not to minimize all your hard work. It’s just a common situation that men don’t know how to satisfy their woman. How you know if you have that handled is if your woman is happy and loving on you, touching you, smiling at you, and telling her friends what a great guy you are. If she’s not, do something differently. Get the free e-book from my website for starters, 7 Secrets To Satisfy Your Woman.

A man at my training told me recently, “I always thought if I got my finances sorted out, and I put a lot of energy into my workout, my hobbies, and my own personal growth, then my relationship would work out. But it hasn’t worked that way. This weekend, I realized that if I devote my energy to making my relationship great, then everything else falls into order”.
That is my experience too. When love works, everything else works, too.
Christian Pedersen Bio. 
Christian Pedersen is a relationship specialist, Certified Life Coach, and founder of Power and Heart Coaching for men. He’s author of the #1 Amazon Bestseller, When You Love Your Woman.
Together with his wife, Sonika, he’s the co-founder of LoveWorks at LoveWorksforYou.com. Christian and Sonika produce and lead mind-altering live trainings like Give Yourself to Love and The Masculine-Feminine Energy Dance. They offer potent inspiration and better relationship strategies to men and women, singles and couples, on love, relationship, communication, intimacy, sex, dating, and personal transformation.
Christian particularly enjoys coaching men on how to embody both the masculine power and heart with their women and how to get everything they ever dreamed of with her. Find Christian’s men’s coaching at www.powerandheartcoaching.com, and his and Sonika’s relationship work at www.loveworksforyou.com.

5 Signs That It’s Time to Join a Men’s Mastermind

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Should You Join a Men’s Mastermind?

How do you know if it’s right for you? Read on to uncover the signs that it might be time to join a men’s mastermind.
Life is incredibly short and you’re going to die sooner than you think. Not to mention the fact that everyone you have ever known will die, too. And it’ll probably happen sooner than you expect. I don’t want to make you sad or scare you. I want to create a sense of urgency within you. I want to wake you up. What would you do if you only had 5 months left to live? How about 5 years?
The only way to avoid disappointment on your death bed is to live your life to the fullest starting right now.
But you can’t do it alone. High-performing men intentionally surround themselves with others who will challenge and support them.
So ask yourself: “Is my community helping me live my life to the fullest?” Most men I talk to admit that they’re not being challenged and supported by their community, and thus not growing. But what do you do about it?
This is where the search for a mastermind begins.
Here are the top 5 signs that it might be time to join a men’s mastermind.

1. You’re ready to live with purpose.

David, a successful entrepreneur, was an early member of our mastermind. He built a multi-million dollar business and by most people’s measures, had it all.
Yet, when David joined the men’s mastermind, the other members challenged him to dig deeper. It soon became self-evident to David that something was missing.
Yes, he’d built a business. But, had he built a life? After a deep self-audit, he realized that everything was for himself. He’d forgotten to include his family in some of this plans. And purpose was foreign to him.
To grow he knew he needed to live with more purpose. He searched his heart in the mastermind and found gold. He knew he could take his valuable business success and begin to leverage it to serve others.
Soon, he shifted priorities. 
His family relationships began to flourish. And he made an exit plan that would allow him to dedicate the second half of his life to giving back.
Purpose. Are you living into yours? A well-crafted men’s mastermind will guide you towards purpose, which encompasses much more than just money or work success.

2. You want a deeper level of self-awareness.

Do you ever catch yourself doing something and have no idea why? Ever look at your job or your relationships and wonder how you got there?
We live entrenched patterns without even knowing it. They can be difficult to see, especially without an external mirror [others to challenge us].
The difficulty in identifying ones own thinking faults is made even more difficult by a culture that’s more concerned with selfies and status updates than fulfillment.
I’ve met legions of men who didn’t realize the extent of their life dissatisfaction until taking a step back to look at life from a different angle. This realization typically devastates the individual, but the journey they embark upon inspires themselves and others.
A well-designed men’s mastermind will always do two things simultaneously: a) challenge you and, b) support you. You become more self-aware by examining your actions, goals, beliefs, and motivations alongside a group of other kick-ass men then taking massive action towards positive change.
Are you even self-aware, bro?
Or, better stated: does your community challenge and support your self-awareness? If not, it might be time to join a men’s mastermind.

3. You’re ready to grow your impact.

Ever achieved something for yourself and felt a bit empty afterwards? That’s because, as humans, we need to give as well as get. In speaking with thousands of men I’ve found that we reach deeper levels of fulfillment when helping others along the way.
One of our mastermind members, Danny, came to this realization while diving deep into purpose and fulfillment. He owns a manufacturing business and his peers saw him as a huge success, but in his private moments he knew he hadn’t been lit up by his business in a while.
Meanwhile, his heart sang with joy whenever working with young people. Danny had a rough time in his teens and early 20s and made some regretful mistakes.
He wanted to help others avoid falling into the same traps, and as he leaned on the support and encouragement of the mastermind he clarified his vision to serve the youth.
Danny made some key realizations and slowly began passing his day-to-day business activities to a trusted manager, using his newfound free time to launch a youth engagement program in his community.
I loved watching him light up as his impact [and fulfillment] grew.
To be effective, a men’s mastermind must be deliberately organized around impact and fulfillment in addition to personal success.
Are you satisfied with your impact in the world? If not, it might be time to join a men’s mastermind.
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Want to learn to build your own mastermind? Click the orange button to get the Mastermind Builder Checklist. It will arrive in your inbox in about 8 minutes:

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4. You’re ready to be held accountable by other high-performers.

After reading hundreds of applications to our mastermind and speaking to thousands of men, I’ve noticed some trends. Most modern men love their friends and social circle, but they do not feel challenged or supported by their peer group.
‘Socializing’ as we call it is usually organized around lighthearted fun. The worst faux pas to make is instigating a deep discussion while out for ‘beer with the boys.’
There is nothing wrong with fun. We all need it.
But then, where do you go to be surrounded by a culture of growth and excellence? Far too often, male relationships lack honesty, openness, and a willingness to challenge each other on a deeper level.
Similarly, most work environments don’t foster the values that are important to self-aware, impactful, and high-performing men. They almost seem purpose-built to stifle creativity and encourage obedience.
This leaves many men moving between a day at their unrewarding job to an evening with their complacent friends. A well-coordinated men’s mastermind gives high-performers the room and resources to blossom into their fullest potential.
Are you being held accountable to a higher standard? If not, it might be time to join a men’s mastermind.

5. You crave passion in your life.

One of the clearest signals to me that someone is in need of mastermind group support is when they move through life disinterested. They watch movies or sports to see other men passionately pursuing their dreams while realizing that same passion is missing from their own life.
Everything feels lackluster. They are unsure where their curiosity and excitement went and how they can get it back. 
Joining a well-formed men’s mastermind provides the spark that was lacking. The challenge/support dynamic acts as a pressure cooker to force out the goals and dreams that are buried deep within.
Most of the time men have great ideas and passions but lack the commitment and urgency to take action and pursue those goals.
Do you feel a bit dull sometimes? Are you concerned that you’ll never have a lust for life again? If so, it might be time to join a men’s mastermind.

So, What Are You Going To Do About It?

There is an ongoing joke in our community that I’m the ‘Instigator in Chief.’ So, don’t be surprised that I’m going to challenge you right now.
Did any of the above resonate? If so, it might be time for you to join a men’s mastermind.
Reach out and to take action. Whether it’s applying to our mastermind, building your own, or tracking down something on the internet, a well-formulated mastermind will yield exponentially better results than hacking away at the branches on your own.
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Connor Beaton is the founder of ManTalks, an international organization focused on men’s health, wellness, success, and fulfillment. Connor is also an international speaker, podcast host, CEO, and leader of ManTalks mission to build a global brotherhood. Before founding ManTalks, Connor had a brief career as an opera singer and worked at Apple, leading high-performance sales and operations teams. Since founding ManTalks, Connor has spoken on stage at TEDx, taken ManTalks to over a dozen cities internationally and has been featured on platforms like Forbes, Influencive, HeForShe, The Good Men Project, UN Women, CBC, CBS, and the National Post.
Ready to go deeper? Click the big orange button to get the 5-Minute Mastermind Builder Checklist:

WTF Is Holding Space? (A Man’s Guide)

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“I need you to hold space for me.”
These words get tossed around A LOT in modern relationships, but most people have no clue what it is or how to do it.
In a workshop I led recently, the concept of ‘holding space’ came up.
I asked how many people had heard of this concept and the entire audience raised their hand.
Then I asked how many could define it or effectively knew how to do it…
Crickets. Only 2 hands raised.
One of the men spoke up and said “my wife asks me to do this all the time, but I haven’t got a clue what it means or how to do it. I assumed it just meant shut up and listen, but that doesn’t seem to work either. She often says i don’t understand her, that I’m always trying to fix her or that I’m cold and emotionless.”
“Same here” “Me too,” said a few of the guys in the room.
Then, I asked the women in the room what the impact or result would be if their partner could hold space for them properly.
“I’d finally feel heard.”
“I’d feel like he understood me!”
“I’d feel more emotionally connected which would make me more connected at an intimate level.”
“I would feel like he was compassionate and empathetic.”
“When my partner has been able to hold space for me, I’m always more open to physical connection afterward.”
Clearly, this was an important topic men needed and wanted to understand.
First, let’s agree on what holding space is NOT.

Holding space is not:

  • Just Listening
  • Trying to fix, solve or provide alternative points of views for your partner
  • Disconnecting or diminishing your partner’s emotional experience
  • A one-way conversation
  • Being disconnected from your own experience.

I asked the men to share their past experiences of trying to hold space to really drive home the point.
One man summed it up by saying “I feel like I’ve tried everything. I’ve tried being completely silent and listening, I’ve tried fixing the problem, offering suggestions and I’ve even tried just agreeing with everything she’s said. Nothing seems to work and I’m almost ready to give up.”
So what IS holding space?
Here’s my definition:

“Holding space is the process of witnessing someone else’s emotional state while simultaneously being present to your own.”

This means the person holding space has double duty.
If you are the person holding space, you need to be tuned into your own judgments, emotions, desired outcomes and opinions all while understanding what’s happening for the other person.
Holding space goes beyond listening because it requires us to hear the other person, have empathy and not make the situation about us by trying to ‘give insight’ fix or ‘offer advice.’
Think of it this way; when you hold space, you are creating a container for the other person’s emotions to come up, be seen without the interference of your own and be released.
Holding space it’s like creating a metaphorical bucket for someone to emotionally and verbally vomit into.
Sounds classy, right?
Holding space doesn’t mean you remove or avoid your own emotions and it doesn’t mean you get sucked into their emotional state because then you’ll both need a bucket.
But how do we effectively hold space? How do we create this bucket? Knowing what something is and knowing how to do it are two very different things.

The 3 things you need to know about holding space:

1. Awareness Is Crucial. 

Your emotions, thoughts, and opinions are going to get in the way.
If you want to ‘build the bucket,’ or really hold space, you’ll need to master the art of noticing your own internal processes while observing theirs.
Being able to see what you think and feel is essential. It’s what all really exceptional listeners, leaders, and therapists do.
They hear what you say, feel what you’re feeling all while noticing (without judgment or attachment) what their own thoughts and feelings are about the situation.
Without this awareness, you will fall into the trap of trying to effect an outcome based on your own desires or opinions.
The outcome of holding space is not decided by something you’ve done, it’s determined by something you’ve created. 
Awareness is so crucial because as human beings we are easily influenced by other’s emotional states. Think about someone who is quick to anger. When you’re around them, it’s much easier to become frustrated, annoyed and angry than normal. Why? Because of transference and emotional mirroring. Put simply, if not aware, you take on the emotions of others.
The point here is that you need to be equally aware of your own thoughts and emotions as you are of the person you’re hiding space for. The goal is not to be empty or devoid of emotions, the goal is simply to be aware so you don’t react from those emotions.
Oh, and put your damn technology away. You’re not holding space properly with your phone out, email open or TV on. Be Present.

2. It’s Not About You.

As much as you will feel the need to fix, solve, be right or ‘of service,’ the best thing you can do is realize that the whole conversation and point of holding space is to make the conversation about their experience and not about yours.
Notice how when you’re trying to fix or solve a problem, it’s more about your own validation than your partners. If you want real validation, use the law of reciprocity: give that which you want to get.
Here are a few things that help create the bucket and shift the focus onto them:

  • Give them permission to share, permission to trust their instincts/intuition and trust their internal wisdom.
  • Create the space for them to make decisions or take actions that might be different than your own.

3. Validation, validation, val-i-da-tion

Let’s make one thing clear, you don’t need to agree with them to validate them.
The biggest trap people fall into when holding space is that they are looking for evidence to AGREE with before they feel like they can give validation.
When this happens, validation of any form is a challenge because the person holding space is trying to understand the situation and emotions associated with it based on their own view of reality.
In general, the masculine will struggle with this. The masculine will want to understand someone logically before validating their partner’s emotional experience. (Notice, I’m not saying MEN, but the masculine. More logical, analytical women can get caught in this trap too.)
There are two important things about validation:
The other person needs to feel understood. This means you have to take a different view point, put yourself in their reality for a minute and understand why they are thinking and feeling that way.
And…
Reflecting back their thoughts/feelings is the best way to do this. (remember, you don’t need to agree, simply understand).
Really listen for the core of the issue they are having. Mirror back what they say the issue is and take the time to validate their emotions. You’d be surprised how many people are simply looking to be understood and be told that they aren’t crazy (like they’ve been telling themselves in their head).
Finally, trust them.
Trust that they can handle their shit.
Trust them to navigate their emotional turmoil, solve their problems and trust in their ability to find what they need.
And remember – the bigger the problem, the bigger the bucket, the longer you’ll need to hold it.

Three Things That Everyone Needs In a Partner

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There are three things everyone needs in a partner.

Find someone with one or two of these traits, and you will forever feel like something is lacking in your partnership.

Find someone with all three of these things and you may find yourself surprisingly attracted to someone who you tell yourself isn’t your “usual type.”

Here are the three things that everyone needs in a partner.

1. You must be sexually attracted to them

One of the key differentiating factors (and for many people the only differentiating factor) between all of your relationships and your romantic relationship is the fact that you have sex with each other.

If you don’t find your significant other physically/sexually attractive, then it’s a non-starter.

How you know if this is missing: if you lack the sexual attraction, then they will feel more like a friend.

How you know if you have this: you enjoy kissing/cuddling/having sex with them. You find various physical things about them appealing. You get turned on by them with relative ease. The genitals don’t lie.

2. You have to have friendship compatibility

A common phrase that I’ve heard from my clients mouths over the past several years has been that their partners are their “best friends.” And while you don’t necessarily need to describe them as your bestfriend, they should definitely feel like a friend that you feel safe and comfortable spending ample amounts of time with.

Do you feel safe telling them your secrets? Do you make each other laugh? Are you kind to one another? Then you are likely compatible on a friendship level.

How you know if this is missing: if you lack the friendship compatibility, then you will like sleeping with them and enjoy the occasional conversation, but you won’t want to spend Sunday afternoon with them year after year. Their company will grow tiresome.

How you know if you have this: you enjoy each other’s company, you have fun with each other, you would willingly spend your weekend with them just hanging out.

3. They must be your intellectual equal

This point is often the most overlooked one. If you don’t feel like your partner is your intellectual equal then the relationship might have a tough time getting off the ground.

Obviously there are an infinite number of ways that someone can be intelligent/intellectual/smart. Intelligence is entirely relative. And it only matters that they are smart in the ways that are important to you and what you’re looking for.

Maybe they’re traditionally book smart. Maybe their interpersonal skills are finely tuned. Maybe they are experts of movement, physical creation, or in their manual dexterity.

If you feel like you can run intellectual laps around them, the relationship will probably suffer. Conversely, if they challenge you, your world view, and their thought and opinions push you to grow into a better version of yourself, then you’ve found a keeper.

How you know if this is missing: if you lack the intellectual stimulation, then you will feel bored. Or unchallenged. Or like something subtle is permanently missing. You might even gradually lose respect for them because you don’t feel like you are with your equal.

How you know if you have this: you look forward to the conversations you have with them. You are able to frequently be in awe of them and their unique form of intelligence. You value their form of brilliance that they bring to the world.

Can You Make It Work If You Don’t Have All Three Of These Traits?

Of course. You can make almost any relationship work. It’s a matter of whether or not you want to and what your core values are.

If you consider yourself asexual, or sex isn’t a huge part of your life, you don’t have to agree with the first point.

If you have a thriving social life in your close dozen friends that you see a few times per week, then it might not matter to you if your partner feels like your best friend or not.

If you don’t consider yourself someone who values intellectual debate (or you knowingly prefer a partner who isn’t as intelligent as you) then maybe finding a partner who is your intellectual equal is low on your priority list.

My assumption? If you’ve found your way to reading this far in the article, then you most likely want a relationship that offers you a high degree of all three relational compatibilities.

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So that’s it… you have to connect physically, emotionally, and intellectually.

I hope that this relational context serves you well.

This article originally appeared on www.jordangrayconsulting.com

Read More By Jordan Gray on the ManTalks Blog

I Believe in Loving Like You Give a Shit

4 Honest as Fuck Questions You Need To Ask Yourself Often

7 Things All Men Need in a Relationship

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JordanGray

Jordan Gray is a sex and relationship coach, an author, and a blogger. He helps people around the world have the most deeply fulfilling love lives possible.

Jordan is a past speaker on the ManTalks stage and fellow resident of beautiful Vancouver.

He writes regularly at his website.

Sign up to the ManTalks newsletter and every week we’ll send you an email with the week’s top articles and interviews.

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Stop Saying “Yes” when its clearly a “No”

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Make the choice to stop doing it. Literally chose to stop. Period.

Stop saying yes to relationships you know are a no.

Stop saying yes to people you don’t want to date.

Stop swiping right when it’s a left.

Stop saying yes to someone who treats you like a massive maybe.

Stop saying yes to partners who don’t share your values or sense of humour.

Stop saying yes to mediocre connections and communication.

Stop saying yes to mediocre, half-ass sex in your relationship.

Stop saying yes to dating people you don’t respect, who don’t inspire you and call you forward to grow.

Stop saying yes to ‘acquaintances’ who are clearly a no.

Stop saying yes to jobs you hate, bosses who cross the line and projects that leave you sitting in your car white knuckling the steering wheel while yelling at the top of your lungs cause you can’t fucking take working there anymore and you’re on the verge of a breakdown…

Stop saying yes to working for companies you don’t like, making products you would never use, and services that leave you feeling like a total fraud.

Stop. Making. Everyone. Happy. But. YOU.

Look, I get it. You have bills to pay, a family to provide for, and a future to build.

But who’s future are you building? The one you want or the one someone else has asked you to do?

So how do we shift? How do we be more selfish and choose ourselves?

Here’s the deal: everyone is selfish. All the time.

However, most people spend the majority of their time and energy trying to create the illusion they’re not.

They find jobs, causes, partners and friends all to create the illusion that they are selfless. They surround themselves with people who constantly need them, people who will reaffirm that they are a needed, important, and ‘good’ person.

But for those who want to lean into the discomfort of choosing themselves and start saying yes to the things that matter, there are a few things we need to know.

  1. What Being Selfish Is and Isn’t.

Being selfish is not about spiting people, intentionally hurting others, going out of your way to offend people, or recklessly choosing yourself at the expense of others (neglecting children, physically endangering others because of your behaviour).

Being selfish IS choosing to set good boundaries, being self aware, respecting what you need to perform and show up for the people you love most.

Healthy selfishness is the understanding that when you take care of your own needs first, you can better provide for the people who really matter to you.

2. Know That Happiness And Success Require Selfishness

Want to know one of the biggest things holding you back from success, happiness, real love, intimacy, great sex, and connection?

You would rather be selfless than happy (or any of those other qualities).

I’ll prove it to you.

Let’s use happiness to make this simple.

Think about someone you love deeply. Maybe your wife, husband, children, or family member.

Picture them in your mind.

Now imagine saying to them “I’d rather be happy than have you.”

You’re in a compromised position aren’t you?

Most people can’t imagine saying that because it would make them seem selfish, mean, or look like a complete asshole.

You don’t want to admit that when it comes down to it, but you would chose someone else even if it cost you happiness.

Let’s take it one step further.

Think of that person who you love so much.

Now imagine asking them, “Would you rather see me happy or be with you?”

The majority of people (the ones who have healthy boundaries and aren’t so attached to you that they can’t live without you) are going to say, “I want you to be happy.”

Isn’t it ironic that the people we love most want US to be happy, yet we are constantly making choices just to appease them?

Here’s the cycle people get stuck in trying to avoid being seen as selfish:

We want to be happy –> happiness depends on us owning what we want –> we think what we want will hurt other people –> we compromise or settle –> we aren’t fully happy –> we realize this and want to be happy…. and so it goes.

So what do we do? How do we change the trend now that we know happiness and success require some selfishness?

We need to…

3. Learn How To Say No

First, think of someone who you think is very happy or very successful (those two things don’t always go hand in hand).

What makes them this way? Their bank account? Their perfectly straight, white teeth? Their nice car, big house, or the amount of travel they do every year?

Nope.

It’s their ability to say no to the shit that doesn’t interest them.

But this can be overwhelming at first. For most people, they have either become so skilled at saying yes to everything that the “No” facing them seems HUGE and insurmountable.

Because of this, we must start small.

When it comes to breaking the cycle, don’t try and make a big gesture (ie: getting divorced, buying the BMW you’ve always wanted and refusing to pick up the kids from school anymore so you can get in your 18 holes of golf after work. Those are just mid-life crisis indicators).

Start by noticing the small things you’re saying yes to on a daily basis that don’t work for you.

Maybe it’s a call with someone who just isn’t a priority (notice how you’d rather say ‘don’t have time for’).

Maybe it’s agreeing to go to the dinner with friends when what you know you need is a night in.

Start from these small “No” opportunities.

Start to shift your language to focus more on priorities than time. Where you would normally say “I don’t have time for that,” replace the word time with the word priorities. It will feel uncomfortable at first, but you get used to it.

Finally, get comfortable being selfish.

Do one thing every single week that’s only for you.

Schedule it, block it off, and make it a top priority.

Maybe its going to see a movie solo, doing a scotch tasting, catching a sports game, grabbing your camera and going on that photo hike you’ve been dreaming of.

Whatever the activity is, do it consistently and notice how you begin to shift.

Good luck on real challenge of choosing yourself first.

__________

Connor BeatonConnor Beaton  is the founder of ManTalks  — an international organization dedicated to promoting modern men’s growth, purpose, and fulfillment.

ManTalks has grown to cities across North America, with several new communities forming this year.

He is also a podcast host and international speaker, having shared his message on stages around North America including TEDx.

Connor has been featured on platforms like Forbes, HeForShe, The Good Men Project, UN Women, CBC, CNN, the National Post and more.

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11 Books Every Man Should Read

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11 Books Every Man Should Read

 
Over the past year I’ve been interviewed on nearly a hundred podcasts, most of them geared towards men, relationships, sex, and intimacy. Most interviewers end by asking me what are the top books every man should read.  So, I developed a list of 11 books.
In truth, there isn’t one book to rule them all (ya that was a Lord of the Rings reference).
There isn’t one book that explains masculinity, educates you on mastering the bedroom and the boardroom, all while helping you live a life full of purpose and meaning.
I’ve read hundreds of books about relationships, psychology, sex, intimacy, and masculinity.
So I decided to make a list of the books I believe have the greatest impact on men.
Whether you want to improve your mindset or relationship, find purpose or fulfillment, or grow your bank account, one or more of these books will point you in the right direction.
There is no order. Each book is equally important but for different reasons.

1. To Be A Man by Robert Augustus Masters

Genre: Psychology of Masculinity
This book breaks down the psychology of masculinity. Start here if you’ve ever wondered what it means to be a man, how to be more masculine, or wanted to better understand some of your more primal urges.
Robert Masters has an incredible understanding of the human psyche, especially masculine and feminine dynamics. He has been working with men for decades and in this book breaks down why we do what we do as men.
Read this book and you’ll learn about anger, sexuality, men’s primal side, and the psychology of masculinity.
The book has a clinical stye, but also includes impactful real life stories.
I’m happy to say that I’ll be interviewing Robert on the ManTalks podcast in the next month. So, stay tuned for that episode.
Quote: “The more our self-esteem is tied to our competency or perceived competency, the more debilitating shame will be for us, whether it’s coming from us or from others.” 
 

2. No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert A. Glover

Genre: Psychology of Modern Men
Written in 2000, this book is 17 years old and has somehow become more relevant over the past few years.
Glover unpacks how and why Nice Guy Syndrome is detrimental to our culture. He showcases how this cycle causes most men to be unsatisfied in their relationships and work.
I’ve recommended this book to hundreds of men, and the feedback is always the same. It has a profound impact every time.
Within a couple of days I’ll receive a message saying “Wow, how did I not know this?! I feel like this guy is describing me, my life, and my relationship.”
The book doesn’t directly talk about improving intimate relationships, but I can almost guarantee your relationships will improve because of it.
Quote: “Just about everything a Nice Guy does is consciously or unconsciously calculated to gain someone’s approval or to avoid disapproval.” 
 

3. The Truth by Neil Strauss

Genre: Relationships, Sex, and Intimacy
Yup, it’s written by the guy who wrote The Game… the ultimate book for assholes in the pickup industry.
So, why is this book on the list? Because it is a hilarious and brutally honest dive into sexuality and one man’s pursuit to be a sex God.
Neil talks about his challenges with monogamous relationships, his experiences with polyamory, and his journey to find some semblance of real love in spite of his desire to be a sexual champion.
The book starts with the real life story of Neil checking himself into a rehab clinic for sex addiction because he has ruined his relationship and leads into a deep dive into his psyche.
Whether you’ve struggled with infidelity, questioned your sexuality, or simply want to laugh your ass off while questioning your sexual existence, this book is a must read.
I recommend getting the audiobook because it’s written as one giant story (his story) and is a riveting story to hear.
Quote: “Most people seem to believe that if a relationship doesn’t last until death, it’s a failure. But the only relationship that’s truly a failure is one that lasts longer than it should. The success of a relationship should be measured by it’s depth, not by it’s length.” 

4. Iron John by Robert Bly

GENRE: Folk
Iron John is a short story written as a metaphorical “coming of age” of one young man and is widely regarded as one of the most important pieces of literature when it comes to masculinity and understanding men.
The book is rich with symbolism and Jungian archetypes. I recommend reading it then discussing it with a group.
Iron John is often discussed in our mastermind groups because the symbolism shows the different stages men need to go through to reach full potential.
Quote: “What does it mean when a man falls in love with a radiant face across the room? It may mean that he has some soul work to do. His soul is the issue. Instead of pursuing the woman and trying to get her alone, away from her husband, he needs to go alone himself, perhaps to a mountain cabin, for three months, write poetry, canoe down a river, and dream. That would save some women a lot of trouble.”

5. Way of the Peaceful Warrior by Dan Millman

GENRE: Folk/spirituality.
Simply put, this is an incredible story. Dan has a way with words and showcases the importance of mentorship in a story loosely based on his personal life.
It tells the story of a young man coming of age and trying to find his place in the world. He’s an olympic level gymnast and stumbles across an almost mythical mentor named Socrates.
I had the pleasure of interviewing Dan on the podcast for his latest book and was impressed with his balance of spiritual knowledge and intellect.
The Way of the Peaceful Warrior calls you to look at the meaning of your life, why you exist, and what purpose you’d like your life to serve.
Quote: “A warrior does not give up what he loves, he finds the love in what he does” 

6. Meditations by Marcus Aurelius

GENRE: Philosophy
There’s nothing like ancient wisdom.
Written around 170 AD, Marcus Aurelius is admittedly one of the first “self-improvement” figures outside formal religion.
These meditations were written in the form of a personal journal and were likely never meant to be published. The Meditations is divided into twelve books that chronicle different periods of Marcus’s life.
The books aren’t in chronological order, as they weren’t written for anyone but himself. The style of the text is straightforward, reflecting Marcus’s Stoic perspective.
If you have ever wanted to see the origins of personal development this is a great place to start. Marcus Aurelius sheds light on Stoicism, confidence, love, war, and countless other themes.
Quote: “Put an end once for all to this discussion of what a good man should be, and be one.”

7. Ego is the Enemy by Ryan Holiday

GENRE: Philosophy/psychology
While this book isn’t necessarily about masculinity, it is an incredibly relevant topic for any man.
A man who understands his ego and can cultivate enough awareness about the inner workings of his ego will fair better than the man who is unconsciously spending his days driven ego.
Ryan Holiday is a former Director of Marketing for American Apparel turned author.
A committed Stoic, Holiday dives into the wisdom and insight from the Stoics and ancient Greeks along with some modern psychological research to show how we sabotage ourselves with our ego.
This book will pull back the curtain on your behavior and help you understand why you make certain choices, avoid others, and how to properly integrate the ego rather than avoiding it.
Quote: “When success begins to slip from your fingers—for whatever reason—the response isn’t to grip and claw so hard that you shatter it to pieces. It’s to understand that you must work yourself back to the aspirational phase. You must get back to first principles and best practices.” 

8. Essentialism by Greg McKeown

GENRE: Productivity
Admittedly, I hadn’t read this book until I interviewed Greg on our podcast. After getting off the interview with him, I was amazed at how powerful his simple concept was.
I bought a copy of the book and was hooked. I read through it within seventy-two hours and within the next week had read it again to make sure to implement the concepts.
On the surface it seems the book is about productivity, but it’s really about simplifying life so we can attain a level of happiness and fulfillment most people never understand or achieve.
Quote: “You cannot overestimate the unimportance of practically everything.”

9. Think and Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill

GENRE: Wealth and Mindset
This is an iconic book. Legendary.
This book has been a game changer for so many people — men and women alike.
Napoleon Hill worked with some of the greatest minds in the early 20th century and had the opportunity to study icons like Andrew Carnegie, Henry Ford, and more.
Hill spent two decades studying some of the most successful and influential people in various industries to understand the psychology of success. And while Hill doesn’t use the word mindset as we do today, this book is about developing and cultivating the right mindset for abundance and wealth.
Think and Grow Rich has sold millions of copies and sparked business masterminds around the globe.
In fact, the ManTalks Mastermind, which hold in various cities around North America are partially based on some of the core principles of this book, as Hill is considered to be the grandfather of the mastermind.
Hill discovered two core concepts:
— An Abundance mindset is crucial for attaining abundance in any form.
— No man does it alone. The most successful men in the world thrive in small groups who support and challenge them to their success.
Quote: “The mastermind principle consists of an alliance of two or more minds working in perfect harmony for the attainment of a common definite objective… When a group of individual minds are coordinated and function in harmony, the increased energy created through that alliance becomes available to every individual in the group.”

10. Man’s Search For Meaning: Viktor Frankl

GENRE: Psychology & Non-Fiction
Ever read a book and been so moved or shocked by the story that you cried? Man’s Search for Meaning is one of those rare books that can shift our core.
Frankl, a psychologist and Holocaust survivor, retells his three-year journey in Nazi death camps. He lost everyone he loved, starved nearly to death, was beaten and terrorized on a daily basis, and faced death numerous times. Yet, he lived to tell about it..
In the dark recesses of his human experience, Frankl found what he believed to be the true meaning of life. Even in the face of torture and inhumane treatment, Frankl was able to dive deep into his own psyche and come out the other side with profound insight on the meaning of life.
This book is a short yet profound read and launched Frankl’s approach to therapy, known as Logotherapy.
If you’re looking for more meaning in life, read this book.
Want a better sense of what your purpose is? Read this book. Want to be humbled by someone’s experience and be reminded how good you actually have it? READ THIS BOOK.
Quote: “Ultimately, man should not ask what the meaning of his life is, but rather must recognize that it is he who is asked. In a word, each man is questioned by life; and he can only answer to life by answering for his own life; to life he can only respond by being responsible.”

11.  Wisdom Of Insecurities by Alan Watts

GENRE: Spirituality, Philosophy & Spirituality
This book is one of my all-time favourites but is largely unknown.
Many people have heard of Alan Watts, but based on conversation, few have read this book.
As the title suggests, Watts dives into the lessons and wisdom our insecurities offer.
Most men will avoid their insecurities because they perceive them to be a weakness or vulnerability. Watts argues that our insecurities are the way to true strength (emotionally and psychologically).
He says that by exploring that which makes us feel insecure, we can begin to understand it, accept it, process it, and move through it to a deeper sense of confidence.
Quote: “This, then, is the human problem: there is a price to be paid for every increase in consciousness. We cannot be more sensitive to pleasure without being more sensitive to pain. By remembering the past we can plan for the future. But the ability to plan for the future is offset by the “ability” to dread pain and to fear of the unknown.”
Did you enjoy this list? What other wisdom do you want to hear about? What books would you add? And who would you like us to interview for the podcast?
Email me at [email protected]. Thank you.
To Your Success,
Connor B.

Mastering the First Impression: Voice

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[Editor’s Note: This is Part 2 in Benjamin Ritter’s series in mastering the first impression. If you haven’t already, you should read Part 1 first.]

Voice is a Powerful Force

People are constantly forming opinions, analyzing information, and basing your attractiveness from the way words are said in the human voice.
The human voice (speech) consists of three different components; pitch, rate, and tone, and reveals the majority of our emotions. Pitch is defined as high/low of speech. Rate is the tempo or speed of speech. Tone is the variation of pitch while speaking.
We have control of the rate, tone and, to an extent, the pitch of our voices, and with the right practice your voice can be used to increase your level of attractiveness.

Five tips for using voice to increase perceived attractiveness:

  1. Speak from your diaphragm (right above your belly button) for a more full, attractive, strong, and natural sound. The pitch of your voice is altered from where it originates. When you breathe from your diaphragm, you will automatically use that air while you are speaking.
  2. Use the rate/tempo and volume of your voice to emphasize emotions and capture attention. For example, speed up and speak louder when talking about something exciting and slow down and speak softer when you want to capture attention and emphasize a point.
  3. Vary tone during an approach. Focus on positive, fun, confident and sarcastic tones and avoid any negative tones (whining, blaming, etc.). Study how actors in movies and on TV change their tone to suggest importance, create a question, display sexual interest, excitement, sarcasm, disbelief, etc.
  4. Articulate each word, don’t speak too fast (your rate), and increase the volume of your voice (project) so that the person or people with whom you are speaking can hear and understand you.
  5. Mimic the other person‘s conversational pitch, rate and tone to create deeper rapport. For example, if the other person becomes excited, copy his/her change in rate and volume, or vice versa if the person is relaxed, speaking slower and in a lower volume.

Practice Makes Perfect

Recording your voice while practicing various pitches, rates, and tones is the best way to become more aware of how you sound and how it makes others feel.
Start listening and analyzing movies, TV shows, and other people in conversation.
You’ll begin to be able to observe how specific combinations of pitches, rates, and tones create an overall perception of personality and attractiveness.
In the next article, Part 3, I will discuss the 7 percent portion of an interaction, what you actually say.

Read More by Benjamin Ritter on the ManTalks Blog

Part 1 of this series: Body Language:
The 11 Key Steps to Influence
5 Tips to Dramatically Improve Your Relationship
The 5 Areas of Your Life You Need to Go Phoneless
You Don’t Deserve Better, You Deserve to Be Better
___________
Benjamin RitterBenjamin Ritter, MBA, MPH, is an interpersonal, dating, and relationship consultant, author of The Essentials, co-host of the Suave Lover podcast, curator of the Interfaith Relationships workshop, and the Values Systems workshop, freelance expert and writer, and healthcare executive.
He has years of direct client, personal, and social experiences towards improving and solving internal development, dating, and relationship situations. For more information go to; http://www.benjamin-ritter.com.
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What Women Want with Giordana Toccacelli [Podcast]

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[You can listen to the episode through the podcast player here or scroll down to watch our conversation on video.]
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Giordana Toccacelli is an expert on relationships and the masculine/feminine dynamic. As she puts is, “I demystify men to women and women to men.”
“Gio” as she’s known to her deeply committed fans, followers, and friends, is one of ManTalks’ most beloved experts. She’s written some hugely popular articles for our website, and has led a private call for our Performance Mastermind group.
I got so much out of this conversation, and wanted to sum up a few of the major takeaways:

  1. How to show up in your masculine — A lot of modern men struggle to show up in our masculine. There are many reasons for this, including some modern day ideologies and confusion around what equality means. Hint: it doesn’t mean to abandon masculine energy. Giordana points out that masculine energy is directed, focused, and decisive. We went deep on this point, and you’re going to have to listen to the episode to get the most powerful insights. This is real world stuff that will help you right now.
  2. Drama doesn’t mean you’re in a ‘conscious relationship’ — Many of us see relationships as vehicles for personal growth. This can be true, as relationships shine spotlights on ourselves. If we use these insights to grow, we’re on the right track. But this isn’t the same as living in constant relationship drama. Giordana points out that conscious couples may have fights from time to time, they will apologize and admit where they went wrong. Continuous drama is a sign you’re stuck in your patterns, not overcoming them.
  3. How to develop intimacy in a relationship —  Men commonly seek intimacy through sex, whereas women commonly seek it through emotional connection. Are you withholding what your partner wants until you get what you want? Fulfilling your partners’ needs first will lead to you having your needs met. Giordana points out that this dance and balance is key to developing deeper intimacy.

This episode is packed with powerful insights into relationships and the masculine/feminine dynamic. The above points are just a brief glimpse into all that Giordana shared on this episode. I had such a blast talking to her, and I’m excited to hear what you have to say.
Please let me know your thoughts. You can leave a comment below, email me at [email protected], or direct message me on Instagram or Facebook [@mantalks for both].
Do you have a follow up question for Giordana? Send it to me via any of those channels. I’m going to do a Facebook live session with her, where we’ll get your questions answered.

Show Notes

Giordana Tocaccelli is an international relationship coach who works with women and men to help them cross the bridge in communication to deepen intimacy and understand one another on a much deeper level. She also specializes in helping people understand masculine and feminine dynamics and educates both sexes on confidence, attraction and intimacy.

Article referenced in this episode:
Heal a Hardened Heart by Giordana Toccacelli
Subscribe on iTunes, SoundCloud, Stitcher Radio, TuneIn
For more episodes visit us at ManTalks.com
Facebook | Instagram | Twitter

Some questions Connor asks…

  • Could you give us a bit of background about what it is you do?(3:39)

  • What are the most important pieces when I’m first dating someone? (5:07)

  • Could you explain the differences in Masculine & Feminine dynamics? (7:24)
  • How important is assertiveness to a woman? (20:00)
  • How can a guy create space for deep conversations? (32:18)

Did you enjoy the podcast?
If so please leave us a review on iTunes or Stitcher. It helps our podcast get into the ears of new listeners, which expands the ManTalks community!
Thank You to the Team:
Editing & Mixing by: Aaron Johnson
Theme music by: Parlange & Latenite Automatic

The Real Reason Men "Can’t Handle" Powerful Women

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The real reason women believe that men can’t handle our greatness? It gives us an excuse not to handle theirs.

 
When I first saw the headline, I balked a bit. Okay, a lot. Especially after clicking through and reading these ’10 reasons most men can’t handle a deep woman’. Because ‘deep women’ are honest! And know what they want! And are looking for a deep, intimate, real relationship!
 
In other words, the reasons are: because men are shallow, dishonest, distant, closed off, and incapable of real love. That’s what this viral article is really saying. And it’s not unique. It’s proliferated around the web, being republished over and over, in the few days since I first saw it, and there are thousands of others like it, with similar ideas about just how useless, unreliable, inherently disappointing, and frankly inferior men really are. The idea that most men can’t handle women, that men are letting us down, is everywhere these days.
 
Here’s the thing. These articles and ideas? They’re wrong. And they damage all of us in profoundly deep ways. In particular, these beliefs cause women to have terrible, unsatisfying and heartbreaking relationships with men.
 

This isn’t about men. It’s about women. It’s about unhealed pain. And these beliefs don’t just prevent healing that pain – they create even more of it.

 
Imagine an article titled ‘Most people can’t handle deep people.’ What would that really mean? It would mean that most people have difficulty meeting deep people where they are. Fully showing up, in the way that ‘deep’ people do, and want others to do, in the way that’s needed for true, satisfying intimacy.
 
In our culture, we have this story that men never show up for us. From the absent father and mid-life-crisis abandoner to the ‘best friend’ who secretly just wanted to get laid, the ghosting tinder date and the guy we lost our virginity to who didn’t know what a clitoris was, our very identity as women is shaped by stories of men letting us down.
 
Over, and over, and over.
 
Almost all of us have experienced that sense of abandonment, rejection and deep shame at some point in our lives. And in the context of a culture that tells the story that ‘good men are as rare as unicorns’, and that men are so unreliable, so unable to meet our needs that we must pretend we don’t need them, or need them ‘as much as a fish needs a bicycle’, that pain feels even more powerless, because it is tinged with fear.
 
The fear that no man will ever show up for us. That no man will ever provide us with what we need.
 
Now imagine an article titled ‘Most women can’t handle deep men.’ I don’t know about you, but I can already hear the outcry – that it’s misogyny, the hatred of women; that it’s just men who are angry they’ve lost a bit of power and privilege; that it’s sexist.
 
Those things are all correct. And it’s vital to understanding what happens when we as women believe that men will always let us down; to understanding why articles like the one mentioned go viral:
 

Because when we feel powerless, we have a choice. We can either look within, take our power back by taking responsibility for ourselves and our own actions, and heal… or we can blame someone else, and get angry.

 
The author of the original article wasn’t trying to be sexist against men. No, this belief doesn’t have hatred as it’s motivation – quite the opposite. It comes from powerlessness, which is based on fear that men will always let us down… And pain, from times that they have. It’s written from a place of woundedness, fear, and scarcity.
 
Not from a place of writing about reality.
 
Spoiler alert: men can handle deep, or strong, or smart, or otherwise powerful women just as well as women can handle powerful men.
 
But articles like that one, they act to confirm the belief, presented all around us, that men will never fully love us, for who we are, never give us what we need, never truly meet us.
 
And because we learn to believe that they can’t, our actions towards men change. We close our hearts, find what we expect, and end up in relationships where our deepness isn’t met, accepted and celebrated. It’s a self fulfilling prophecy, and a heartbreaking one: we learn to sabotage our relationships with men.
 
The truth is that, to the extent that individual men are able, based on maturity and experience, nine out of ten men are dying to share our real, deep emotional selves, to witness us, to be truly intimate. To be the one we choose, the one we give the chance to step up and be a great man, for the world, and for us.
 
Nine out of ten are so, so eager to do that. To love us. Truly and deeply. They won’t do it perfectly – no one can. But they will do it, they will give it their all, they will love us honestly.
 
If we let them.
__________
 
Hi! I’m Kathryn Hogan. If you liked this article, you’ll love my new book, which provides practical tools for overcoming the most common types of self sabotage. Your Big Life: Ground Rules to Get Unstuck and Stop Sabotaging Yourself, is coming now available! I’m a wellness and relationship coach, and author. I share powerful tools and mindful practices to help you live that Big, Rich, Satisfying life your heart knows you’re meant to be living.
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How Real Men Deal With Grief And Loss

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This year I’ve seen plenty of men struggle with some form of loss or grief. I witnessed friends lose their wives, best friends, brothers, mothers, fathers, and co-workers.
I saw businesses fail. Jobs lost. Relationships come to a devastating end and love crumble when it seemed like it should have been thriving.
Ideas that seemed to be moving at the speed of light come to an abrupt and jarring halt. Finances failed.
And I’ve seen men lose friends because of…. (fill in the blank).
It’s easy to talk about the great shit in our lives. Our egos love it. We do it all the time. This is the normal culture of self-help and personal development.
We talk about the wins, celebrate them , share them, get likes for them on Facebook, Twitter, and the ‘gram.
We get new followers, subscribers, and likes on our post — who knows, maybe it will go viral.
But we rarely see the pain, suffering, frustration, grief, or loss that is constantly happening behind the scenes. We don’t see these real aspects of peoples lives, only the highly curated social media content.
In the words of my friend (and amazing human being) Preston Smiles:
“Don’t compare your real life to someone else’s online content.”
Here is a bit of my reality:
This year I lost my best friend and partner. Someone who was wise and caring beyond her years. She stuck with me during a time in my life when most people would have walked away and got bitter. It was my choice to walk away from the relationship, but choosing to leave doesn’t soften the blow of loss.
I lost a mentor. Someone who guided me down the path of life and challenged me to make the choices I made, which have led me on the journey I am on now. I learned how valuable and powerful it can be to have someone who believes in you (sometimes) more than you believe in yourself.
I lost an old friend who took his own life. He was a father of 3, a husband, and business owner who was struggling to make ends meet. He was a man who didn’t think he had anyone to turn to and no other choice to make.
He didn’t talk to anyone about the struggles he faced and in the end it cost him his life. No one knew he was in financial crisis and maybe, just maybe, if he had spoken to someone he would still be here today.
Personally I failed, flopped, and missed the mark. At times I aimed high and fell flat on my face. Other times I thought I was right when I was so incredibly wrong. I had massive ambitions, which, in hindsight were blind and overzealous. I was humbled time and time again by life and the people around me.
In the past, I would have tried to face all of this on my own because, like many men, I thought that I would be less of a man for talking about the real, messy shit going on in my life.
I would bottle it up, stuff it way down, put on the armor, and go out in the world pretending I had it all together.
But I’ve started to realize something: not talking about these things doesn’t make you a man. Holding in all of your anger, sadness, grief and loss doesn’t make you strong.
It makes you weak — and not in a metaphorical way. We’re literally weaker when we’re alone.
Pretending that you are invulnerable is the ultimate vulnerability because it is the ultimate blindspot.
Over the past few years I’ve worked directly with dozens of men and have spoken to hundreds more, and I’ve noticed one major difference between guys who are stable, happy, fulfilled, and feeling positive about their live and the guys who struggling, depressed, and unfulfilled. You might say healthy and unhealthy
The healthy let it out. The unhealthy numb it out.

How to Handle Grief and Loss

Talking about grief and loss will significantly improve your life. Bottling it up will also bottle up the happiness and success.
Talking about it makes you stronger, so let’s take a look at the steps for letting it out:

1) Realize The Impact of Your Grief or Loss

Men constantly defer to logic when things get difficult. We compartmentalize emotions — trying to understand why an event happened.
We replay the timeline of the event, trying to understand how we could have got or kept the girl, the job, or the money.
Sometimes we look forward, wondering how we can fix it. We diligently run mental simulations of what we could do to change things. But sometimes, there is nothing for us to change.
We look at the physical realm and overlook the emotional one.
We address the logistics of losing a partner, business, or friend and say to ourselves, “Now where am I going to live? What will happen to my kids? What about my business or career? How is this going to impact those areas of my life?”
What we should be asking is, “How is this impacting me emotionally?Am I hurt? Sad? Angry? What am I experiencing?”
Take the time to tune into how your grief or loss is impacting you emotionally, not just logically and rationally.

2) Address the Ugly Elephant in the Room — Shame

We often feel like we shouldn’t experience grief. We feel shame for the emotions that arise alongside grief and shame.
Feel grief at our loss and if a hint of sadness appears, we condemn ourselves, saying, “Stop it! Feeling sad about it isn’t going to help.”
Actually, it will.
If you let it.
Emotions aren’t shameful. They are part of us. It would be like feeling shame at having eyes, legs, or a penis.”
Emotions are a part of you and everyone else (unless you are a certified sociopath, in which case this may not apply).
When you feel shame about your emotions, ask: “Why do I feel shame about this experience?”
Perhaps you were taught that emotions equal weakness, or that showing emotions isn’t what a real man does.
Or maybe emotions seem like a foreign thing that isn’t worth addressing.
Whatever the case, understanding why you are feeling the shame and choosing to move through it and allow the experience is the key to releasing the emotions.
Emotions are like a male orgasm. Weird analogy I know but stay with me: When we never allow ourselves to experience emotions, they will either come out when we aren’t expecting (like a wet dream), or they will have negative physical side effects (like blue balls and insomnia).

It’s vital to address the shame. Don’t numb it with booze, drugs, gambling, meaningless sex, or any other addiction. After the bender it will still be there and it will be worse.

3) Stop Hiding, Start Talking 

One of the most common things men who have gone through loss or grief say is, “I felt so alone. I didn’t feel like I could talk to anyone about it.”
Suffering in silence IS NOT the answer.
Maybe you think your friends, family, or co-workers won’t understand you. In truth, they don’t need to ‘get it’. It doesn’t matter if they haven’t experienced the exact same thing. They can still support you.
Grief and loss are part of the human experience and everyone has gone through it at some point.
When you open up and invite people into your experience, talk about what has been going on, you give them permission to fully understand what’s happening in your life. They get to see the real you, not just the well-trimmed Facebook persona.

4) Know You’re Not Alone

Working with men across North America, I’ve yet to encounter someone who has been through something so rare or horrific as to be un-relatable.
Our illusion that we are alone in our suffering or experience is exactly that: an illusion.
I have met men who were physically and sexually abused as children, men who have been held captive, tortured, in near death accidents, lost loved ones in strange and bizarre accidents and so much more.
And Every. Single. Time. Without fail. Someone else in the crowd can relate, has gone through something similar or has a close friend who experienced the exact same thing.

5) Join a Like-Minded Community 

Fact: People care about you and want to support you (even the worst human beings in history had people who genuinely cared about them… and trust me you’re not that bad).
Having people in your life (read: inner circle) leads to connection and guidance. When grief and loss arrive, you will be able to process and move through the experience more effectively, allowing you to get back on track, learn and grow from the loss.
Have you ever seen the video of the olympic runner whose dad helped him finish the race?
If you’ve seen this video, you almost certainly were moved and inspired.

I dare you to watch it without tearing up. To me, this is beauty of human connection. Falling, failing, losing, being in immense pain (physically or emotionally) and someone else helping.
We WANT to help others just as much as we secretly want to be helped.
This is why we created the ManTalks Mastermind, which connects men with other likeminded men. It’s a space where members are committed to holding one another accountable and creating a powerful community of men who leaders and role models in their community.
The results have been incredible. Relationships and marriages have been saved, businesses pulled back from the brink of bankruptcy, and members’ health (mental and physical) has improved dramatically.
So next time you’re struggling and a someone close asks how they can help, remember the feeling you got in the past from supporting someone else. Let them have your back, because when the time comes, you will have theirs.

Why Dealing With Grief and Loss The Right Way is Manly AF

Unfortunately, the “real man” phrase has been co-opted by a bunch of douchebags. You know what a real man does? He handles his emotions so that he’s not a drain on everyone else around him.
This means properly processing grief and loss when it comes up — which it definitely will.
Bering a man isn’t about pretending to be tough when life kicks you in the nuts. It’s about being mentally and emotionally healthy so you can show up fully for the people in your life.
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Connor Beaton

Connor Beaton is the founder of ManTalks.

Check out his incredible TEDx talk here. And follow him on Facebook (where he writes and posts videos) to stay up to date with his teachings, lessons, and insights.

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5 Things Every Man Should Know Before Buying A Suit.

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Recently I had the chance to go and get my first ever tailored suit, and let me tell you, it was a game changer!!

In high school, I was the guy wearing baggy jeans and ripped Green Day t-shirt’s with the really cool metal chain that linked my wallet to my jeans (Ya, I was that guy).

Even when I sang opera, I never got a tailored suit, mostly because I was cheap and didn’t think it really made a difference. I bought cheap suits and tuxedos from discount stores and tried to get employees wearing these, even though I knew they were too big and gave the impression that I didn’t care.

I was so thrifty that in university I bought an entire tux for a whopping $89.

Needless to say I wasn’t exactly shocked when t started falling apart a year later and had to be thrown out.

A few weeks ago I had to suit up for a speaking engagement I had booked and needed to be presentable (speaking for corporations will do that).

So I went out and got my first tailored suit. It blew my mind!

When I walked out on stage to present in front of 1,500 people, not only did I look great (or so I was told), but I felt great too. The suit fit incredibly well, I got a ton of compliments on it and getting a custom suit was an experience I will definitely be repeating in the future.

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The whole experience had left me wondering why no one had ever told me what a great feeling getting suited up could be, so I wanted to share my insight about what you need to know before getting suited up.

1.  Budget

Determine your budget and be as generous with it as you can, as it will dictate quality and longevity of your investment. As I found out, $89 doesn’t last for long (I wore it twice).

Suits that are less than $1000 are typically made with a synthetic chest piece that lines the front of the jacket and is glued to the suit fabric, which will not last as long or look as good with frequent wearing and dry cleaning.

Also be aware of fabric quality with price point suits, as they can sometimes have a synthetic blend in the fabric. 100% wool fabrics will last longer.

Suits over $1000 are often made with better quality fabrics and will have half or full canvas chest pieces that are made with horse hair and are sewn into the chest piece. A canvas chest piece will breath and mold to your body, which will look better with time.

2. Fit/Style

Stay away from trendy, fast fashion suits, they are not made for longevity and will not look as good over time. Look for suits that have classic styling, for example you want a jacket that has two buttons, notch lapels and side or centre vents and trousers with a flat front (no pleats).

Pants with pleats are dated and not flattering.

Depending on your body type, you may want a trimmer fitting suit, but make sure that you are not going super trendy with a skin tight suit that is too short in the jacket and trousers.

You want a suit that fits your body comfortably and is proportionate to your size. If there is pulling or breaks in the jacket, it is too small and not the right fit.

3. Colour

Whether your purchasing your first or second suit, it should be navy, blue, charcoal or mid-grey. These colours can be worn year round and to most events and work environments.

Black should not be the first suit you purchase, unless you’re in a bridal party or attending a funeral, as it is too formal for most situations.

Lighter colours are seasonal and should not be worn in late Fall/Winter. Also stay away from trendy colours and bold patterns, as they may go out of style quickly. Add these to your collection, once you have all the basics covered.

4. Quality

Quality of fabric and construction are two of the most important things you need to pay attention to.

Do not get caught up in fancy brand names, as you are often paying for the name and not quality. Also beware of department store suits, they may have familiar brand name, but those names are often licensed and not made to the same level of quality that you may be used to by that brand.

As mentioned before, you want a suit that is made of 100% Wool, if it is blended with another natural fibre such as silk, cashmere or mohair that is okay, but try and stay away from synthetic blends. A small percentage of lycra, such as 2%, is common and not terrible, but anything more than that is not recommended.

5. Tailoring

Tailoring is your friend. Some places will charge extra for suit tailoring, do not forego tailoring because of the added expense! I have extra long monkey arms & legs, so I always need to have the sleeves and pant legs tailored to fit right.

It doesn’t matter if you pay $300 or $3000 for your suit, if the tailoring isn’t right, it looks like crap.

Invest in your over all look and don’t cheap out on something as important as having the correct sleeve or pant length. If you’re going to spend the money on a suit but are trying to cut costs on the tailoring, don’t. This is like buying a Porsche and then putting regular gas in it.

So where should you go? Well depending on what city you live in there are a ton of options.

I live in Vancouver, BC and visited Bobbie who runs Haberdasher & Co. I choose them for a few reasons:

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1. They are all expertly trained in every aspects of men’s fashion, from tailoring to comprehensive wardrobe building.

2. They provide top quality Canadian made clothing and accessories, using fine European fabrics for all of our clothing.  (I LOVE supporting local)

3. Tailoring is included in the price of all regular priced merchandise. (For all of those people wanting to cheat out on the tailoring).

4. They sell confidence and compliments. I love this. If you’re going to spend some cash on a nice suit, you want something people are going to appreciate. Again, its like buying a nice car: you buy it for you, but the bonus is how much everyone else enjoys it.

5. They LOVE what they do and want you to love how you look. When I first met Bobbie, I was taken back about her passion for men’s fashion and dressing right. This is crucial. Find someone who is almost more concerned about how you will look than you are.

Wherever you live, look up your local custom suit shop, go in for a free fitting and just feel what its like to wear a well fitting suit, its a game changer.

 

**Comment below on where you get suited up so people in your city can check them out.**

What It's Like to Be The Guy She Fucks, But Never Loves

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Tara is stunning. Tight swimmer’s body, blue eyes, blonde hair pulled back in a ponytail. She’s type of girl so dripping in sex that it makes focusing on whatever we’re talking about difficult, even for her.
 
She excuses herself for a moment.
 
I turn to Matt, my happily married guy friend, smirk, and say, “$20 bucks says she’s back at my apartment and naked within the hour…”
 
His response stops me in my tracks. He looks me in the eye, almost disgusted, and said, “Jesus man. Have some self-respect already. No wonder you can’t find love…”
 

I’m The Guy You Think You Want To Be…

 
Two of my ex girlfriends are models. Women initiate threesomes with me. I’ve slept with my camp counselor (we were both of age at the time), my RA, a few of my roommates, bartenders I picked up, multiple hot lesbians (that was interesting…), and a friend or two (which is never a great idea…).
 
But I’m not who you think I am.
 
I’m not a sex addict. I think pickup artists are idiots. I was never sexually abused.  When my attractive 21-year-old employee invited me over to her place after a few drinks, I politely declined. The vast majority of my partners have been amazing, emotionally healthy women. I have more close friends than I know what to do with. And I’ve been told that I’m fairly successful and put together.
 
No, my story is much more subtle. My story is the story of a guy who has spent his entire life trying to trick himself into believing that he’s not cripplingly lonely.
 
Because here’s what you, and almost all of my friends miss: every woman that I’ve ever loved has broken up with me.
 
Read that again. Every woman I’ve ever loved has broken up with me.
 
Think about how that would make you feel, because it’s hard to capture just how much pain, embarrassment, and shame this causes me.
 
It makes me feel like I’m unlovable. It makes me feel like the more a woman gets to know me the less likely she is to stick around.
 
While most of my friends are married to the love of their life, I’m trying to figure out if a healthy marriage – something I very much want – is even a possibility for me.
 

Where Did I Go Wrong?

 
The question I find myself asking again and again is, “Where did I go wrong?”
 
I could tell myself that, “I just haven’t found her yet” or “Not to worry, I’m still in my 30’s…” But I’d be lying to myself. I know those aren’t my problems. Two of my ex girlfriends were completely right for me. But I sabotaged those relationships…
 
No, I know what I’m doing wrong.
 
The idea of fully surrendering to being loved by someone I love is terrifying to me. In fact, it’s so frightening that I can’t even do it.  But at the same time, there’s nothing I want more. This leaves me suspended in an un-winnable emotional tug of war.
 
It’s easier for me to hide in plain site behind a mesmerizing veneer of charm, success, and sex, than it is to admit that I’m broken.  And if I squint, and the light hits just right, I can almost convince myself that there’s nothing wrong.
 

I Finally Felt Enough Pain

 
Most people never feel enough pain to actually make a change. Instead, they make the same mistake over and over and over until they die. If the pain starts to get too intense, they numb themselves with beer or TV or busyness or hedonism or drama.
 
Fortunately for me, I’m not one of those guys. A few weeks ago, the pain of feeling unlovable finally became too much for me to bear.
 
Jamie was the first girl in two years that I could feel myself falling for. She’s beautiful, put together, thoughtful, successful, and dangerously feminine.
 
We’re back at my place, drinking wine, making dinner, and talking about nothing in particular. We’d been dating for about a month.
 
She interrupts me mid conversation, saying, “I’m so sorry. Can you sit down? I’ve been terribly disingenuous. I like you. I really do. And I should be attracted to you. I want to be attracted to you. And if I’m being honest, part of me is tempted just to use you. But I can’t do that. The truth is, I’m not attracted to you. When we kiss, it feels forced. This isn’t working for me. I’d like to be your friend though, I really would.”
 
I was wrecked. Part of me wishes she did use me. It would have been nice to pretend for a while.
 
When Jamie left me, it hurt too much. The pain made me resolve to finally (finally!) fix myself.
 
I could spend my time reading self-help books, and hiring unqualified but dazzling “life coaches” to teach me how to let love in. But doing that is just another clever way of lying to myself; it’s a form of pretending to do the hard work, without actually doing it.
 
So I’m going to do the exact thing I’ve been terrified of for the past 15 years: first, I’m going to be completely single for a while. No dates, no sex, and if I can help it, no flirting. I’ve told my guy friends that I’ll need help with this (hence Matt telling me that I need more self-respect as I’m busy undressing Tara in my mind).
 
Second, I’m going to find a really good therapist. I’ll do my best to show up as honestly, vulnerably, and as openly as I can. I’m going to work with him until the parts of me that are broken, are finally fixed.
 
It’s hard to explain just how frightening all of this is to me. But if I’m being honest, continuing to lead this flashy – but ultimately vapid and isolating lifestyle – is even more frightening.
 

And Since I Know You’re Wondering…

 
This article wouldn’t be complete if I didn’t let you in on my secret to being “good” with women. In fact, it’s pretty simple. Are you ready?
 
I give a shit about people.
 
I respect them. I’m slow to express judgment and quick to ask questions. I remember details (and those I’m likely to forget I write down). I’m cool with vulnerability (well, to a point…). I generally assume the best of others and want well for them. When I flirt, I make it obvious. If she flirts back, I’ll wait until we’re alone, and make a move. If she rejects my advances, or needs to slow down, I’ll respect her boundaries without hesitation.
 
It helps that I’m somewhat successful and good-looking, but those things are less important than you think.
 
What most men who struggle to get laid fail to understand is that we’re hard wired for sex and connection. Our bodies are literally designed for it. In most cases, all you need to do is lead, listen, stay respectful, and get out of your own way.
 
But when you do figure it out, and you’ve bedded more beautiful women than you can count, don’t be surprised when you end up feeling lonely as hell. Because no amount of sex with will ever be able to replace the true intimacy we all quietly yearn for.
__________
By Jonathan Ryker
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