If You Think Your Relationship Is Fine, You’re Probably In Deep S***

When someone asks you about your marriage or relationship, how do you reply?
When they say, “So, how are things at home?”, or “How are things with you and your girlfriend?”
You say … what?
Maybe you say something like, “It’s fine. We’re doing great.”
Turns out, that’s often a statement that’s pretty far from the truth.
Together with my wife, I lead live trainings for couples and singles. Some men who attend are married, some are in long-term relationships, and some are single.
Before every training, we send a pre-training questionnaire to everyone. That means, both the man and his partner gets the questionnaire and they each get to rate how they’re doing on communication, sex, working as a team, spending quality time together, and so forth.
One of the last questions in the questionnaire says, “If you don’t find a solution to your situation, what will your relationship future look like?”
Hundreds and hundreds of men have come through this training, and time and time again, I’ll see a man state that his relationship is “fine” or “ok”, while his wife or partner say she’s an inch away from divorcing him!
So it’s a common thing that a man thinks his relationship is fine, whereas the reality is his relationship is in deep shit and could be over before he knows it.
As one of my, now divorced, friends said after his wife had moved out and found a new man, “I knew we had some trouble – I just figured we’d get to it some day!”
What is up with that?
Are men just oblivious, keeping their heads in the sand? (Or are women making too big of deal of small problems, yelling “fire” when it’s not really that bad?)
Based on my experience with hundreds of men, both in group settings and private coaching, here’s what’s going in the background:

  • Men operate on an “Emergency Principle”. That means we don’t take action until there’s a REALLY good reason, if not a flat-out emergency. In the domain of intimate relationships, women are much more likely to take preventive action as soon as they smell a whiff of smoke, whereas men are more likely to do nothing until they house in engulfed in flames. One man who came to our training after his separation said, “I knew my wife had been talking about us having problems and we should get help, but I didn’t really take it seriously. Until the day she said, “You’re moving out – TODAY!” (She was dead serious. He moved out. And by doing some really good work in our trainings, they actually found their way back together, but not all stories have such nice endings).
  • Men have a deep, intense fear of failing. Men tend to take a failing marriage or relationship as a statement of their personal failings as a man. As in, “I AM a failure!” That really hurts, and men go to great lengths not to be confronted with that feeling. Ironically, by not wanting to admit that we have relationship problems, so that we won’t have to face the prospect of failing, we end up contributing to just that: Failure.
  • Men primarily focus on other things than relationship. It’s been shown in lots of different ways that women generally put relationship as their first priority in life, whereas for men, relationship comes in as a number 4 or 5 on the priority list, behind work, career, money, and providing for the family. That means we have a natural tendency to leave the “business of relationship” to our partners – that is, until a squeaky wheel begins to make noise. Men tend to apply their best focus and be mostly in their “zone” at work or in sports. Many men find it really difficult to apply that kind of pointed focus and excellence in relationship, partly because intimate relationship is a much more fuzzy discipline than work or sport which have clear and defined objectives.

These are some of the main reasons why men are often totally surprised when their partners, seemingly out of the blue, blow up or want to leave.
There’s a judgment men often hear from their partners when things aren’t going well: “You don’t care about our relationship”.
In my experience, that is not the case. We care, and we feel deep pain, shame, and fear when things go sideways and our partners are visibly unhappy.
At the same time, we often make it easy for our partners to think we don’t care, mostly through our lack of pointed focus on our relationship and sometimes lack of skill in the intimacy department.
So what’s a man to do?
A few places to start that other men have found effective:

  • First and foremost, pay closer attention to how you feel and how your partner feels. If you don’t know how your partner feels, ask her. I know, many men have an awkward relationship to feelings, but it’s the #1 thing to get your head around. If you take your own and your partner’s feelings a bit more seriously, you won’t be caught off-guard, because you’ll have felt the warning bells.
  • Think of your intimate relationship more like a sport, or even like a business. In those areas, you want to bring your best performance, and you want to learn new skills. Plus, you don’t ever forget to go to work, or just neglect to show up to a client meeting, right? You do those tasks because they need to be done, and because it’s the right thing to do. How would you show up in your relationship if you treated it like your business?
  • Figure out what makes your woman happy, and do more of those things. Many men will protest and say, “But I love her. I bust my ass for her, I do X-Y-Z”. That’s great. And what you’re offering is probably not what she needs. That’s not to minimize all your hard work. It’s just a common situation that men don’t know how to satisfy their woman. How you know if you have that handled is if your woman is happy and loving on you, touching you, smiling at you, and telling her friends what a great guy you are. If she’s not, do something differently. Get the free e-book from my website for starters, 7 Secrets To Satisfy Your Woman.

A man at my training told me recently, “I always thought if I got my finances sorted out, and I put a lot of energy into my workout, my hobbies, and my own personal growth, then my relationship would work out. But it hasn’t worked that way. This weekend, I realized that if I devote my energy to making my relationship great, then everything else falls into order”.
That is my experience too. When love works, everything else works, too.
Christian Pedersen Bio. 
Christian Pedersen is a relationship specialist, Certified Life Coach, and founder of Power and Heart Coaching for men. He’s author of the #1 Amazon Bestseller, When You Love Your Woman.
Together with his wife, Sonika, he’s the co-founder of LoveWorks at Christian and Sonika produce and lead mind-altering live trainings like Give Yourself to Love and The Masculine-Feminine Energy Dance. They offer potent inspiration and better relationship strategies to men and women, singles and couples, on love, relationship, communication, intimacy, sex, dating, and personal transformation.
Christian particularly enjoys coaching men on how to embody both the masculine power and heart with their women and how to get everything they ever dreamed of with her. Find Christian’s men’s coaching at, and his and Sonika’s relationship work at

Man Of The Week – Aaron Phillips

Here at Man Of The Week, we seldom get to highlight and recognize Men in the technology field. Recently we were introduced to Aaron Phillips, who is the CEO of AP1 Inc, and he shared with us his vision of leveraging technology to further engage society in their current physical environment. The uses are endless, from sending out amber alerts to sharing historic information about the part of town you are in, beacon management allows for greater communication between different facets of your environment. As a person, Aaron is kind, positive and dedicated to creating a legacy that leaves the world in a better place but also reminding us that we each have that responsibility to positively impact the world around us. Aaron has faced his share of hardship and today believes that life is full of ups and downs, it is up to each and every one of us to decide what to make of it, and how we want to react to it. Only then can you act with true clarity and intention.

Age – 35 years of age

What do you do? (Work)
I am the founder and CEO of AP1 Inc.
We have become leaders in beacon management infrastructure, specializing in offering proximity-based solutions through our strategic partnerships and beacon-agnostic management platform. Our solutions are designed to enhance the utility of mobile applications to provide mobile engagement in a physical environment.
The platform enables organizations to remotely manage beacons, scale deployments and address numerous levels of security. In addition, the platform offers access to proximity-based capabilities, capturing real-time data on user activity, providing relevant information in location and context aware-engagement that transcends from online to brick and mortar.
The solutions are designed to enhance the utility of existing mobile applications and can be integrated with additional data sets to ensure business intelligence is accurate and comprehensive.
From activation to loyalty, eCommerce to POS, AP1 delivers solutions to optimize branding and enhance the consumer experience.

Why do you do it?
I have a passion for all technology, communication and culture. I believe that beacon and proximity based technology is game changing. Our goal is to reduce complexity and cost, making it more accessible to businesses on a global scale.

How do you make a difference in the world? (Work, business, life, family, self)
One person at a time. Try to stay positive no matter the obstacle and at the end of the day aim to inspire people to fulfill their own individual goals, to make a small difference in the world.

What are 3 defining moments in your life?
– My grade 6 teacher inadvertently helped me realize that I was not going to pursue a traditional educational path. I felt that it would stifle my creativity, cap my passion, and limit my ability to critically think.
– I seriously injured myself while living in Whistler, pursuing a professional sports career, where it was truly a defining moment how fragile life can be, how one should nurture and take care of their body
– Starting this company, having to pivot along the way, and being a serial entrepreneur, entering into start-up land.

What is your life purpose?
To affect change, and leave a legacy for the world to be a better place for all those that exist now, and those who will come after.

How did you tap into it?
I always have had a passion for learning, history, technology, and politics. I have always been driven to get involved in this space.

Who is your Role-Model or Mentor?
Nikola Tesla, big time, for all the ground work he laid for humanity, and Elon Musk for how he is leveraging that foundation.

Do you have any daily habits? If so, what are they?
I try to spend at least 1-2 hours reading – to learn something new every day.

When do you know your work/life balance is off?
That is a tough question. The nature of running a start up and going the entrepreneurial route, at some capacity you give up a lot of your time, your freedom. You understand that what you are working towards, is something much grander than you.

Vulnerability is a challenge for most men – share a vulnerable moment from your life with us.
Becoming a CEO of a new and growing company and having to manage a large group of very intelligent people. Giving up control over aspects of the business and having faith as to what needs to be done and delivered. Having everything on the line for what you believe in.

What did you learn from it?
You got to do it. You can never give up. The nature of growth is to give up control and step outside of your comfort zone, and trust your intuition. Do the best that you can, every day.

If you are or were going to be a mentor for another man, what is one piece of advice you would give him?
You never fail, until you give up. Stay focused on your goals. The light is there, at the end of the tunnel. You are not in control of what happens to you in life, but you are in control of how you think and react.

How do you be the best partner (Boyfriend/Husband- past or present)
Be unconditionally positive, loving, understanding and kind. Good things and bad things happen all the time. Life is a series of challenges, but you should never hold on to the past.

Do you support any Charities or Not-for-profits? (Which one(s) and why?)
There are no major associations I support at the moment. I am a philanthropist at heart and very much look forward to the day to shift my energy on giving back.  When I do, I see myself focusing on conduits that will affect more of a direct change in people’s lives than specifically supporting existing organizations.

If your life had a theme song, what would it be
“Don’t worry, Be happy” by Bobby McFerrin

Where do you see yourself in 3 years?
I would like to see AP1 Inc. mature into a successful global brand, making the impossible, possible.

What legacy do you want to leave for future generations?
I would say that my answer would be similar to number six.

What One book would you recommend for any Man?
As a man Thinketh – James Allen

If you know a Man that is making a positive impact on the world, we would love to hear from you! Contact us at [email protected]

Man Of The Week – Anthony Trucks

Our newest Man Of The Week is Anthony Trucks, an author, speaker and former NFL player, for his ass-kicking story that has served as inspiration to people worldwide already. Life has been tough from the young age of three when Anthony was dropped off at a foster home where for the next few years he suffered abuse, starvation and repeatedly being told he was worthless. The roller-coaster that is Anthony’s life didn’t stop there with a terrible injury that ended his football career coupled with an unfaithful wife and the loss of his family and almost committed suicide. It’s fair to say life kicked Anthony’s ass!

How Anthony responded to his circumstances is the most incredible part of his story. J.K Rowling once said “Rock bottom is the foundation on which I rebuilt my life” and it is fair to say Anthony did the exact same thing. Hitting bottom made him realize his way of life was not working and in accepting that reality he was able to let go of the ego and limiting beliefs that held him back from truly living and enjoying life. Anthony learned mistakes are part of life and forgiving yourself creates the space for you to try again and truly enjoy life’s beauty. By stepping out of his comfort zone and being more open and vulnerable, Anthony was able to authentically connect with those around him, and also feel protected by self-depricating thoughts and by removing the world’s firepower against you. This is definitely a story you’ll want to read about, check out the full feature below!

Age – 32

What do you do? (Work)
I teach business owners, aspiring business owners, and those who just want freedom how to get out of their own way so they can finally get that freedom and enjoy their business and their life.

Why do you do it?
Because I am selfish. I grew up in foster care where I was beaten and starved, among other things, and I pretty much didn’t matter. I just want to matter to people and get the feeling that I receive when I help someone improve their life. I selfishly want to know that I mattered. The ONLY way I can get that feeling is to GENUINELY help someone. So I fully give of myself in every way to help so I can receive the feeling of knowing I made an impact.

How do you make a difference in the world? (Work, business, life, family, self)
For me it’s many ways. I’m a father, a brother, a friend, a coach, and in time a husband.

What are 3 defining moments in your life?
– The memory of my mum giving me away at 3 years old into foster care. It left me in a whirlwind that took many years to overcome. It’s a tough thing to endure a feeling of total worthlessness when not even your own mother loves you enough to keep you. I felt like I didn’t belong on this planet.
– The moment I heard a girl say “the reason I’m so bad is because I’m in foster care.” Those words shifted my soul because I never wanted that to be an excuse for why I wasn’t great in life. Those words were the catalyst to me growing into the man I am today because I wanted to be everything OPPOSITE of what someone who came from my past would become statistically.
– The moment I was holding the right hand of my adoptive and watching her take her last breath as she lost her 17-year battle with MS. That moment was the moment that I fully realized how much impact one human can have on another when they unconditionally love and support. I am who I am, and doing what I do now, because of that woman. Watching her leave this earth centered me to the knowing that I cannot bury my casket full of potential.

What is your life purpose?
I am meant to impact people who impact the world. I’m a vessel that is carrying tools to prepare other vessels to go out into the world.

How did you tap into it?
Life kicked my a** and I got tired of it. I lost my marriage and my family and it led me down a dark path that almost ended in me taking my life. It was then that I awoke. When I did, I started living more alive and more vibrantly than ever because I understood life more as I dropped my egoic barrier and gave myself permission to learn and grow more as a man and a human.

Who is your Role-Model or Mentor?
Right. Simply doing right. In my life I didn’t have many people I could trust to lead me positively. So for me doing what is right led me. Mostly because doing wrong is easier in most cases, whereas doing right is hard. I just do the hard work, and make the hard decisions, that are right. Even if it “feels” wrong, or difficult. I MUST be able to respect the man I see in the mirror every night before I lay my head down.

Do you have any daily habits? If so, what are they?
I take time to meditate daily and put my mind at ease before I start the day. If not I enter a world unprepared to handle what may be thrown at me.

When do you know your work/life balance is off?
At this point in my life I can literally feel it. Ill notice if I feel off for some reason and I’ll slow down and start being more cognoscente of what I’m feeling and what is going on in my world to make me feel that way. Then I address it and move forward.

Vulnerability is a challenge for most men – share a vulnerable moment from your life with us.
My ex wife had an affair and, after having grown up in foster care, it took from me the most important thing in my life. My family. I had an ego having been in the NFL and owning a gym at the time and it led me to a dark place. I felt I had nothing to live for. It wasn’t until the police found me through GPS and brought me home that I had to visit some deep truths within myself. I realized how much of my experiences were from my involvement, as much as I didn’t want to accept at first that they were. Although my ex wife had made a decision, I was part of the problem that led her to a place to even HAVE to make a decision. I am at fault for the failure of marriage and ensuing life consequences.

What did you learn from it?
We’re all imperfect. We all make mistakes. When you learn to own them you learn to make peace with yourself and life and you start to experience the world in a beautiful way. Being open and vulnerable also protects you from yourself and the world. Yourself because now you don’t beat yourself up and go dark, and the world because you take away the world’s firepower to use against you.

If you are or were going to be a mentor for another man, what is one piece of advice you would give him?
You’re human, not just a man. Everyone on this planet matters. Men, women, animals, everything. You don’t have to be an overpowering brute to be strong and gain respect. Be human and you’ll find that humanity will see a strength in you that will be more powerful than anything you could comprehend. Graceful strength.

How do you be the best partner (Boyfriend/Husband- past or present)
Communicate EVERYTHING. Be open about your fears, desires, frustrations, problems, etc. If not then you don’t give the other person the opportunity to truly support and connect to you. When you don’t connect you literally become your own roadblock to beautifully connected relationships.

Do you support any Charities or Not-for-profits? (Which one(s) and why?)
I support any at risk youth and foster organizations I can find. Royal family kids camp, foster a dream, hope and home, etc. I was a foster kid and I only WISH I had something like these organizations when I was in the system.

If your life had a theme song, what would it be?
Great question that I have yet to figure out. Something along the lines or “Trust Your Hustle” ……. I should get someone to write that song for me lol.

Where do you see yourself in 3 years?
Father of three amazing kids, and an owner of a thriving business that holds online courses and live events that transform people’s lives and businesses all over the world.

What legacy do you want to leave for future generations?
The legacy of finding the strength to live your life EXACTLY how you want it. I want my legacy to be proof that a good man who truly cared and gave existed when few thought one did.

What One book would you recommend for any Man?
The 7 habits of highly effective people

If you know a Man that is making a positive impact on the world, we would love to hear from you! Contact us at [email protected]


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