Sex & Intimacy

Todd Baratz – Love Can (And Should) Be A Little Challenging

Talking points: relationships, sex, social media, non-monogamy

If you’ve followed me for any length of time, you know I think the current dating scene is, in a word, messy. So I’m grateful to have sat with Todd Baratz on why that’s the case. I love Todd’s practical, honest yet understanding perspective on the issues, because it allows for all the complexity and nuance relationships can bring. To sum it up: communicate, communicate, communicate.

(00:00:00) – Todd on why modern relationships seem like a mess, new social values, and social media’s effect
(00:13:54) – What causes us to sometimes lose a deep sense of self in relationships, and how our original attachment contributes 
(00:18:30) – How all this influences sexual expression, and bridging the gap between different preferences
(00:25:47) – What you need to open a dialogue about what you want sexually, and where couples go wrong 
(00:32:41) – “Too good to leave, too bad to stay”, and are relationships starving for lack of community?
(00:37:02) – Do straight and queer couples deal with similar issues? And navigating non-monogamy
(00:44:26) – Dealing with relationship power struggles
(00:47:28) – When your partner asks for something, just do it

Todd Baratz is a renowned psychotherapist and sex therapist whose innovative approach to mental health and relationships has established him as a leading figure in his field. In addition to his clinical practice, Baratz is a prolific writer and speaker. His insights are regularly featured in various media outlets, where he discusses topics ranging from romantic relationships to individual mental wellness. He lives in New York City and Los Angeles. Learn more on Instagram under his handle YourDiagnonsense.

Connect with Todd
-Website: https://www.toddsbaratz.com/
-Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/yourdiagnonsense
-Podcast: https://open.spotify.com/show/4c80FbeT9YmbyE6B6NMTgN
-Book: How To Love Someone Without Losing Your Mind: https://www.toddsbaratz.com/book/

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Pick up my book, Men’s Work: A Practical Guide To Face Your Darkness, End Self-Sabotage, And Find Freedom: https://mantalks.com/mens-work-book/

Check out some free resources: How To Quit Porn | Anger Meditation | How To Lead In Your Relationship

Build brotherhood with a powerful group of like-minded men from around the world. Check out The Alliance. 

Enjoy the podcast? If so, please leave a review on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or Podchaser. It helps us get into the ears of new listeners, expand the ManTalks Community, and help others find the tools and training they’re looking for. And don’t forget to subscribe on Apple Podcasts | Google Podcasts | Spotify

For more episodes, visit us at ManTalks.com | Facebook | Instagram | Twitter
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Case Kenny – On Being “Too Much”, And Navigating Modern Relationships

Talking points: relationships, mindfulness, marriage, logic, social media

Maybe you’ve heard me say this before, but the modern dating scene seems, well, insane. Case Kenny sat down for a great, insightful convo on why that’s a thing, from the expectations social media feeds us, to the meaning of marriage to how AI is going to mess with all of it—or not.

Listen in and share this ep if you want honest thoughts and some straightforward tips on navigating modern relationships!

(00:00:00) – Intro

(00:04:34)- Why are women worried about being “too much”?

(00:13:43) – What are guys actually trying to communicate to women who feel they’re “too much”?

(00:17:01) – On relational conflict, solving it, and how social media doesn’t do you any favours

(00:22:10) – On social media, intimacy, independence, and “settling down”

(00:33:10) – Case’s take on declining marriage rates

(00:39:01) – Case’s great definition of mindfulness, and mindfulness in the context of relationships

(00:49:58) – How can men use mindfulness to improve their relationships?

(00:56:50) – Case’s hard-hitting questions to journal on

(01:05:33) – Will AI impact the mindfulness space?

Case Kenny is a Chicago, IL based mindfulness author and podcast host of the top 25 US podcast “New Mindset, Who Dis?” No gurus, no fluff, and no preaching of generic life advice. Just his thoughts on self-help, wellness, and mindsets with practical and personal insights on how to live a passionate, purposeful, and happy life.

Connect with Case

-Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/case.kenny/

-YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@CaseKenny

-Book: That’s Bold Of You: https://bit.ly/42hZeDk

-Podcast: New Mindset, Who Dis?: https://bit.ly/3Ue7GkT

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Pick up my book, Men’s Work: A Practical Guide To Face Your Darkness, End Self-Sabotage, And Find Freedom: https://mantalks.com/mens-work-book/

Check out some free resources: How To Quit Porn | Anger Meditation | How To Lead In Your Relationship

Build brotherhood with a powerful group of like-minded men from around the world. Check out The Alliance

Enjoy the podcast? If so, please leave a review on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or Podchaser. It helps us get into the ears of new listeners, expand the ManTalks Community, and help others find the tools and training they’re looking for. And don’t forget to subscribe on Apple Podcasts | Google Podcasts | Spotify

For more episodes, visit us at ManTalks.com | Facebook | Instagram | Twitter | and yes, even TikTok

Lucas Aoun – How To Naturally Optimize Testosterone

Talking points: hormones, testosterone, environment, fitness

Is there a testosterone crisis? From the headlines I’ve read it sure seems like it. But what’s going on, where is it coming from, and what can you do naturally to stay healthy? I sat down with Lucas Aoun to cover all of these things and more. Dig into this episode for a brilliant intro to optimizing hormone levels—particularly testosterone—and knowledge on how to avoid hormone disruptors.

(00:00:00) – Intro

(00:01:10) – What’s happening to men’s hormone levels, the symptoms, and what testosterone is responsible for

(00:09:41) – On cortisol, testosterone, and key building blocks

(00:16:26) – Outside of stress, what are some things negatively impacting test levels?

(00:22:07) – What about cardio or fasting?

(00:31:33) – Naturally optimizing testosterone with diet and sleep

(00:40:47) – Lucas’ take on TRT and the consequences

(00:45:06) – On tongkat ali, fadogia, shilajit, and other supplements

(00:56:44) – Lucas’ thoughts on creatine

Connect with Lucas

-Website: https://www.boostyourbiology.com/

-YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@BoostYourBiology

-The Limitless Course: https://thelimitlesscourse.com/

***

Pick up my book, Men’s Work: A Practical Guide To Face Your Darkness, End Self-Sabotage, And Find Freedom: https://mantalks.com/mens-work-book/

Check out some free resources: How To Quit Porn | Anger Meditation | How To Lead In Your Relationship

Build brotherhood with a powerful group of like-minded men from around the world. Check out The Alliance

Enjoy the podcast? If so, please leave a review on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or Podchaser. It helps us get into the ears of new listeners, expand the ManTalks Community, and help others find the tools and training they’re looking for. And don’t forget to subscribe on Apple Podcasts | Google Podcasts | Spotify

For more episodes, visit us at ManTalks.com | Facebook | Instagram | Twitter | and yes, even TikTok

Life After De-Sexualizing My Brain (And What To Do)

Talking points: mindset, relationships

The biggest video I launched in 2023 is called “De-Sexualizing My Brain Changed My Life”. Naturally, I’ve gotten a lot of followup comments and questions about what my life has looked like since I started that process. TL;DR: it’s a good thing. Here’s why.

(00:00:00) – Intro and noting some of the comments that have been made
(00:01:26) – This isn’t about becoming a monk, it’s about having better control and influence
(00:04:58) – Remember, social media is there to grab your attention. It’ll use sex for that
(00:06:52) – I am WAY less stressed—and for one significant reason
(00:08:59) – I have much, much cleaner conversations with women AND it reinforces the relationship I’m in
(00:11:07) – It’s led to the woman that I’m with feeling safer


Pick up my book, Men’s Work: A Practical Guide To Face Your Darkness, End Self-Sabotage, And Find Freedom: https://mantalks.com/mens-work-book/

Check out some free resources: How To Quit Porn | Anger Meditation | How To Lead In Your Relationship

Build brotherhood with a powerful group of like-minded men from around the world. Check out The Alliance

Enjoy the podcast? If so, please leave a review on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or Podchaser. It helps us get into the ears of new listeners, expand the ManTalks Community, and help others find the tools and training they’re looking for. And don’t forget to subscribe on Apple Podcasts | Google Podcasts  | Spotify

For more episodes, visit us at ManTalks.com | Facebook | Instagram | Twitter | and yes, even TikTok

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Layne Kilpatrick – Why Testosterone And Fertility Rates Are Plummeting (And What To Do)

Talking points: hormones, testosterone, fertility, health, men’s health

Note: we had some audio troubles with this one! Welcome to 2024, team. We’re kicking it off a bit intense with the podcast. This week, a look at what the **** is going on with hormones. The science behind it all is complicated, but fertility markers across the board are dropping. Why? I sat down with Layne Kilpatrick to get some info.

This is a solid ep to check out if you’re wondering what hormones (especially testosterone) are all about, and want some solid ways to clear away endocrine disruptors out of your home.

(00:00:00) – Intro and Layne’s defining moment
(00:02:24) – What the hell is happening with men’s testosterone rates?
(00:08:02) – The role testosterone plays in child development
(00:16:36) – How microplastics, phthalates, and other chemicals affect development
(00:21:00) – What can newly pregnant couples do besides stop drinking from plastic water bottles?
(00:24:32) – More on hormone disruptors and testosterone 
(00:28:35) – On sperm and why you should store some while you’re younger
(00:33:37) – On glyphosate and atrazine
(00:39:58) – What some things men can do to support healthy testosterone and sperm production? 
(00:46:12) – What should the T levels and sperm count actually be for a middle-aged man?
(00:52:45) – Layne’s take on drugs like Ozempic

Layne Kilpatrick began compounding hormone preparations as a pharmacy intern at the Apothecary Shoppe in downtown Salt Lake City in 1986 when the process of micronization was first developed, paving the way for more widespread hormone supplementation.  He has developed several original formulations made exclusively at MOC. He has treated thousands of patients for hormone-related issues.  He acts as a consultant to medical practitioners and other pharmacists both in and outside of Utah, advising on the interpretation of hormone labs, clinical signs, and symptoms, and effective prescribing practices for ‘native’ hormone therapy, as he prefers to call it. Layne is a native Utahn of pioneer heritage and has lived in Draper since 2003.  He and his wife, Angie, have 5 children.

Connect with Layne:

-Website: https://hormonespecialist.net/

-Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/hormonespecialist

-TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@hormonespecialist


Pick up my book, Men’s Work: A Practical Guide To Face Your Darkness, End Self-Sabotage, And Find Freedom: https://mantalks.com/mens-work-book/

Check out some free resources: How To Quit Porn | Anger Meditation | How To Lead In Your Relationship

Build brotherhood with a powerful group of like-minded men from around the world. Check out The Alliance

Enjoy the podcast? If so, please leave a review on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or Podchaser. It helps us get into the ears of new listeners, expand the ManTalks Community, and help others find the tools and training they’re looking for. And don’t forget to subscribe on Apple Podcasts | Google Podcasts  | Spotify

For more episodes, visit us at ManTalks.com | Facebook | Instagram | Twitter | and yes, even TikTok

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Why Sexually Disciplined Men Are Attractive To Women

Talking points: discipline, mindset, attraction, relationships

Title says it all, team. A lot of men simply aren’t that disciplined when it comes to their sexual energy, despite the fact that being disciplined has some pretty immense benefits. Here’s a look at why that is.

(00:00:00) – Intro
(00:01:12) – A potential major cause of insecurity in a partner
(00:02:41) – Why women are attracted to sexual discipline
(00:04:33) – It creates security and safety
(00:06:12) – Do this for YOU because a) it’s hard, and b) most men aren’t disciplined—at all
(00:08:13) – Your sexual body can be THE training ground for discipline


Pick up my book, Men’s Work: A Practical Guide To Face Your Darkness, End Self-Sabotage, And Find Freedom: https://mantalks.com/mens-work-book/

Check out some free resources: How To Quit Porn | Anger Meditation | How To Lead In Your Relationship

Build brotherhood with a powerful group of like-minded men from around the world. Check out The Alliance

Enjoy the podcast? If so, please leave a review on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or Podchaser. It helps us get into the ears of new listeners, expand the ManTalks Community, and help others find the tools and training they’re looking for. And don’t forget to subscribe on Apple Podcasts | Google Podcasts  | Spotify

For more episodes, visit us at ManTalks.com | Facebook | Instagram | Twitter

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Get Used To Her Being Disappointed

Talking points: boundaries, independence, relationships, nice guys

Yeah, it’s a somewhat controversial title. It’s also a challenge. Many, many men bend over backwards to prevent a partner from ever feeling disappointed, and when they inevitably do feel disappointed (because that’s life sometimes), they spiral. Listen in.

(01:15) – Intro and why I’m talking about this
(03:05) – Caveats
(04:42) – Why this is important
(07:09) – I’m not saying don’t have wiggle room!

Transcript

Get used to your woman’s disappointment. Get used to a woman’s disappointment. Being disappointed in you. Being disappointed in your behavior. Being disappointed in you forgetting to do something. Getting disappointed in you saying no. I said this in a session with a couple that I’m working with the other day. I said, “Can you take on the challenge?” I said this to the man, “Can you take on the challenge of getting used to her being disappointed in you?”

Because the reality is that there are so many men, and this is a lot of nice guy stuff, right? There are so many men in relationships who are trying to avoid their woman’s disappointment. So they don’t say no to watching this, TV show that they’re not interested in: Love Island or The Bachelorette or whatever it is that she’s trying to get you to watch. They don’t say no to going out to the dinner with the girlfriends; or to the event that they have no interest in. They don’t say no and set a boundary to the things that they know are going to build resentment within them. And any time that they get something wrong or their partner’s upset, it’s like, “Oh, I didn’t want to go to this restaurant,” Or you booked a date, and I’m like, “I’m not really interested in that.”

Anytime that she becomes disappointed, there are men who start to just get so worked up. And I was one of these guys, right? So if you’re tuning into this and you’re like, “Man, I feel like he’s just calling me out.” No, I was one of these guys. I was one of these guys who anytime the women that I would date would get disappointed, it would screw me all up because, in some ways, part of being the nice guy is buying into this story that you have to get it right with women all the time and that’s just garbage.

Now, is wanting your partner to be happy a bad thing? No. Is wanting the woman that you’re with to be happy and to feel taken care of and to feel provided for and protected a bad thing. No, absolutely not. Taking responsibility for her sense of well-being and needing her to feel okay all the time is the opposite of what the majority of women are looking for from men.

The majority of women want to know that they can feel not okay, that they can be upset, that they can be disappointed with you, that they can feel frustrated with you and bring that grievance to you and know that you’re not going to spiral, know that you’re not going to spiral out of control, and shut down, and close off, or become reactive or become defensive and try and put it back on them. They want to know that they can have a complaint and oftentimes behind that complaint – “oh, you didn’t book the right place for dinner. You forgot to, whatever, yada, yada, yada, bring home the almond milk from Whole Foods.” Those complaints oftentimes hold an emotional need behind them. There’s an emotional connection that is trying to be made there.

Now, I’m not saying that you should put up with complaints and criticisms all day, every day, right? This has to be within reason. I’m not advocating for you to become an emotional pin cushion or punching bag for the women that you’re with. That’s not it at all. I am simply saying that a lot of men lack the internal tolerance, lack any kind of tolerance with a woman’s disappointment.

And here’s the kicker. Why is this important? It’s very simple.

Because women want to know that they can be disappointed in you and that you will be okay. That they can ask for something unreasonable and that you will say no and that they might be disappointed. And that you will be okay, that you’ll still hold your ground, right? They’ll ask you to watch The Bachelorette, they’ll ask you to go do something that you’re just not going to do, or to go out to an event that she knows that you just have zero interest in and do not want to do whatsoever.

They want to know that you will hold firm on your values, on your virtues, on your morals, on what is important to you, on your principles, even if she’s disappointed.

Because here’s the thing: if you don’t, and when you don’t, and if you do that for long enough, what it teaches that woman is that she has total control in the relationship. She has the power. Absolutely. In the relationship, she begins to know I can tell you what to do and when to do it and you will; and for the majority of women, that is not what they want in a relationship.

They want a man who has a sense of strength, a man who has a sense of values, of virtue, of integrity, of morals, and who will set those morals and values and virtues up in such a way where he sticks to them, he lives them, he embodies them, even if it causes her frustration, even if it causes her to be disappointed sometimes. And the cherry on top of all of that is that when she brings her disappointment to you and you say: “yeah, I get it. No worries. I still love you. Yeah. All good. Thanks for telling me. Like you’re frustrated that I don’t want to watch The Bachelorette. No worries. I’m still not going to watch it, but it’s okay that you’re disappointed. It’s okay that you’re disappointed.”

This is incredibly attractive to a woman because what it signals Is that you have your own identity, you have your own values, you have your own morals, you have your own ethics, you have your own boundaries, and you can assert them. You can assert them, you can hold them, even if, and because the ultimate test is you set a boundary, she becomes disappointed, she gets upset.

Now, I’m not saying that we don’t have any wiggle room sometimes, I’m not saying that there’s no compromise in these things, that we need to be hyper rigid, I’m not saying that. What I’m really talking about is for the men who lack tolerance to their partners, to the women that they date and are married with, to their woman’s disappointment.

So practice this. Practice saying no and being okay with her being disappointed. practice when she asks you to do something that she knows you don’t want to do, and you’re not interested in, setting a boundary and saying, “it’s okay that you’re disappointed. That’s all right. I get it. I still love you. Me saying no doesn’t mean I don’t love you.” Practice when you screw up, because this is the big one for a lot of guys. This was the big one for me. I needed to be perfect in the relationship for a long time. Practice when you screw up causing her to be upset, causing her to be disappointed. And she starts to bring that disappointment to you to say, “yeah, I screwed up. I forgot that. And it’s okay that you’re upset. I get it. I understand.”

So if you can start to build a tolerance and you can start to build a calmness and a presence with your woman, when she’s disappointed, the relationship will dramatically change because she will feel safer. She will feel like she can trust you more. You will feel like you can trust you more. You will feel like you can lead yourself more. And what will start to happen is that your sense of value and worth and being okay in the relationship will uncouple from the need to have her feel okay and great all the damn. Time that you need to be perfect and doing it right all the time. So get used to her disappointment, get used to her being disappointed.

And again, this isn’t advocating, just one last time for you intentionally disappointing her all the time, for her living in a state of disappointment. That is not the aim, obviously, but I just want to make that clear.

And let me know what your thoughts are until next week, this is Connor Beaton signing off.


Men, join me for an intense, depth-oriented training regimen called the Men’s Self-Leadership Program. Customized curriculum, direct work with me, and limited to just 8 men: https://mantalks.com/mslp/

Pick up my book, Men’s Work: A Practical Guide To Face Your Darkness, End Self-Sabotage, And Find Freedom: https://mantalks.com/mens-work-book/

Check out some free resources: How To Quit Porn | Anger Meditation | How To Lead In Your Relationship

Build brotherhood with a powerful group of like-minded men from around the world. Check out The Alliance and join me today.

Enjoy the podcast? If so, please leave a review on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or Podchaser. It helps us get into the ears of new listeners, expand the ManTalks Community, and help others find the tools and training they’re looking for. And don’t forget to subscribe on Apple Podcasts | Google Podcasts  | Spotify

For more episodes, visit us at ManTalks.com | Facebook | Instagram | Twitter

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

7 Things That Stop You From Quitting Porn

A solid chunk of my job is helping men get free from porn addiction. It was also something I struggled with for years. Lately, there’s been a slew of questions coming at me surrounding porn usage and addiction, so here are seven reasons why it’s so damn hard to quit.

If this resonates and you’re looking for some free extra resources, DM me on Instagram with the word “QUIT” for a free guide.

(00:00:00) Intro and reason #1: dopamine
(00:02:51) Reason #2: nervous system conditioning 
(00:05:00) Reason #3: porn’s accessibility and availability
(00:05:49) Reason #4: not fully understanding your triggers 
(00:07:46) Reason #5: no replacement ritual or routine
(00:09:21) Reason #6: last time-its
(00:11:06) Reason #7: lack of external support


Pick up my book, Men’s Work: A Practical Guide To Face Your Darkness, End Self-Sabotage, And Find Freedom: https://mantalks.com/mens-work-book/

Check out some free resources: How To Quit Porn | Anger Meditation | How To Lead In Your Relationship

Build brotherhood with a powerful group of like-minded men from around the world. Check out The Alliance and join me today. 

Enjoy the podcast? If so, please leave a review on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or Podchaser. It helps us get into the ears of new listeners, expand the ManTalks Community, and help others find the tools and training they’re looking for. And don’t forget to subscribe on Apple Podcasts | Google Podcasts  | Spotify

For more episodes, visit us at ManTalks.com | Facebook | Instagram | Twitter

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Dr. Doug Weiss – Porn And Sex Addiction Are More Complex Than You Think

Talking points: addiction, sex, porn, narcissism, relationships, therapy

I’ve yet to meet a man who hasn’t struggled at some point in his life with porn addiction. I was one of them. But is sex addiction any different, and is it more or less complex? I sat down with Dr. Doug Weiss, himself a recovered sex addict (37 years and counting!) to get some insight.

This is an ep to listen to if you’re looking for more insight on a pervasive problem for many, many people. One that can heavily impact relationships, work ethic, and even overall success.

[00:01:11] – Dougs defining moment
[00:03:27] – Defining sexual addiction
[00:19:41] – What is intimacy anorexia, and what’s contributing to it?
[00:30:37] – Reinforcing yours AND your partner’s experiences, and matching types of expression in sex
[00:39:28] – Partner betrayal trauma
[00:44:08] – What makes intimate relationships unique
[00:46:19] – More on sex and porn addiction
[00:50:45] – Sex addiction and ADHD
[00:54:11] – Can you be addicted to validation? 
[00:57:58] – Can sex addiction escalate into something darker?
[01:00:51] – On narcissism

Dr. Doug Weiss is the Executive Director of Heart to Heart Counseling Center and has been helping couples and individuals for over thirty years. He is the President of the American Association for Sexual Addiction Therapy where his treatment model for sex addiction, partner betrayal trauma, and intimacy anorexia is used in counseling practices all over the world. 

His direct and charismatic approach to handling tough issues has made him sought after for professional appearances on television shows such as The Oprah Winfrey show, Dr. Phil, Good Morning America, 20/20, The Doctors, Daystar, FoxNews, CNN, Montel, and more.

Dr. Doug Weiss has written and filmed over 40 books and therapeutic teachings that directly address specific issues in relationships regarding intimacy, sex, partner betrayal trauma, sex addiction, parenting, and more. He has had more than one Lifetime movie made about his counseling practice (Heart to Heart Counseling Center) in Colorado Springs. 

Connect with Doug

-Website: https://www.drdougweiss.com/

-Intimacy Anorexia: https://intimacyanorexia.com/

-Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drdougweiss

-Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/drdougweiss

-YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/c/drdougweiss


Pick up my brand-new book, Men’s Work: A Practical Guide To Face Your Darkness, End Self-Sabotage, And Find Freedom: https://mantalks.com/mens-work-book/

Check out some free resources: How To Quit Porn | Anger Meditation | How To Lead In Your Relationship

Build brotherhood with a powerful group of like-minded men from around the world. Check out The Alliance and join me today. 

Enjoy the podcast? If so, please leave a review on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or Podchaser. It helps us get into the ears of new listeners, expand the ManTalks Community, and help others find the tools and training they’re looking for. And don’t forget to subscribe on Apple Podcasts | Google Podcasts  | Spotify

For more episodes, visit us at ManTalks.com | Facebook | Instagram | Twitter

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

How AI Will Radically Change The Porn Industry

Artificial intelligence is already changing the game for a number of industries, and I’m thinking erotica won’t be an exception. But how? In what ways? And what’s next? Lastly, I’d love to get your thoughts on this. DM me on Instagram to let me know!


Pick up my brand-new book, Men’s Work: A Practical Guide To Face Your Darkness, End Self-Sabotage, And Find Freedom: https://mantalks.com/mens-work-book/

Check out some free resources: How To Quit Porn | Anger Meditation | How To Lead In Your Relationship

Build brotherhood with a powerful group of like-minded men from around the world. Check out The Alliance and join me today. 

Enjoy the podcast? If so, please leave a review on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or Podchaser. It helps us get into the ears of new listeners, expand the ManTalks Community, and help others find the tools and training they’re looking for. And don’t forget to subscribe on Apple Podcasts | Google Podcasts  | Spotify

For more episodes, visit us at ManTalks.com | Facebook | Instagram | Twitter

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

The Big Misunderstanding About What Women Are Attracted To

Shorter episode today, but something I’d love to get your thoughts on. This came from a recent conversation between Lex Friedman and Aella, a sex researcher, writer, and sex worker.

She surveyed her followers on what men and women actually want in the bedroom, and noticed an interesting discrepancy. I polled my own followers and found something similar. Listen in!

Check out Aella’s work here: https://knowingless.com/

Transcript below!


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Pick up my brand-new book, Men’s Work: A Practical Guide To Face Your Darkness, End Self-Sabotage, And Find Freedom: https://mantalks.com/mens-work-book/

Enjoy the podcast? If so, please leave a review on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or Podchaser. It helps us get into the ears of new listeners, expand the ManTalks Community, and help others find the tools and training they’re looking for. And don’t forget to subscribe on Apple Podcasts | Google Podcasts  | Spotify

Looking to build brotherhood with a powerful group of like-minded men from around the world? Check out The Alliance and join me today.

Lastly, check some more free resources: How To Quit Porn | Anger Meditation | How To Lead In Your Relationship

Transcript

What’s going on, team? We’re gonna have a short little episode here today; but we’re gonna be talking about the biggest misunderstanding about a woman’s attraction. I found this to be very interesting because it came out of – this whole conversation came out of some research that I stumbled across.

I think I was listening to Lex Friedman podcast, and he was interviewing this woman named Aella. I don’t know if I’m saying that right: A-E-L-L-A. She was a former OnlyFans star and escort, et cetera, turned relationship data scientist. And so she uses her platform to study relationships. She had talked about this poll that I went and checked out where she started to see that there was this big discrepancy between what men thought women wanted and what women actually wanted sexually within the bedroom. And so she put out a poll and said, “Women, how many of you want a man to be sexually dominant in the bedroom? How many of you want a dominant man sexually?”

The stats were quite high. She also asked men, “How sexually dominant do you want to be or think you should be in the bedroom?” And that was quite a bit lower. And so she started to see this discrepancy emerging that more women want a sexually dominant man than men want to be sexually dominant in the bedroom.

Now, I thought that this was fascinating. I would not have guessed that if somebody had asked me that initially; and so I actually repeated the same poll, the same kind of survey on my platform on Instagram. And if you’re not following me, it’s @mantalks. But I repeated this poll, and I said, “Men, how many of you want to be sexually dominant in the bedroom and to what degree?” So I said, ‘zero to three, three to six, six to eight, eight to 10.’

Then I asked women, “How many of you want a man to be sexually dominant in the bedroom? With the same scale.” And what was fascinating, to my surprise, was that the data matched up with what this woman, Aella, had found, which is that more women wanted men to be sexually dominant in the bedroom than men wanted to be sexually dominant in the bedroom.

It got me to thinking: why is that? How has this come about that less men want to be sexually dominant? So I followed up with the men and I said, “Is it that you don’t want to be sexually dominant, or is it that you think that you shouldn’t be?”

Now, this is where it gets really interesting. A lot of the men responded by saying that their perspective of womens’ desires, and I asked them to DM me, message, and whatnot. A lot of the men who responded said, “I think most women don’t want sexually dominant men. I don’t think that women want a man to be that directional or take charge in the bedroom, right?”

So there’s this growing stereotype that a man who wants to be, and I think this has been in our culture for a number of years, that a man who wants to be sexually dominant is dangerous. That a man who wants to be sexually dominant is somehow toxic, and that a man who wants to be sexually dominant is actually not what women want, which is counter to a good amount of polling and data and evidence. I think I had about 2,500 men and 2,500 women respond to the polling in the survey. And I think Aella had like tens of thousands of people respond to the survey. So of course this is a smaller subset of data and we can talk about the data itself and the efficacy of it, based on the polling in the survey, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

But the truth still stands that there’s a bit of a discrepancy there. And so I think what has started to transpire is two things: number one, I think that over the years there’s been this very negative connotation around our sexual desires as men. I think that, for the most part, when you look out at the modern narrative, when you look at the mainstream narrative, and anytime that it talks about men and sex, it’s generally not a good narrative. It’s not like, “yeah, men’s sexual appetites and energy is positive. It’s great.” it’s like, “no, men are responsible for domestic violence and all these things.” And so what really gets highlighted is the dangers of male sexuality. So I think that that’s part one, is that the quote unquote “dangers of male sexuality” have become so prominent within the modern narrative that a lot of men are afraid to even go near any kind of sexual dominance, right? Being able to express or explore what maybe is truly what they desire.

Number two: I think is a discrepancy and a complete misunderstanding of what women. And what I’ve noticed guys get caught by is that they go online and they maybe follow a female dating coach, or they follow guys who are talking about relationship advice, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera, and they ask the question, “what does a woman really want?” And the more that you listen to, and I’ll just speak from my personal experience, but the more that I listen to a woman, describe what she wants, and I’ve spent a lot of time doing this. I’ve been on a ton of women’s podcasts talking to them: what do you want? What do you desire? The more that you’ll hear a woman talk about what she’s attracted to, not what she’s aroused by. And I think that this is the biggest discrepancy that when you listen to a woman, describe what she actually wants, what she’s attracted to, what she’s attracted to relationally, she’ll often talk about things that indicate a kind of physical or emotional safety, right?

So maybe she’ll talk about status, right? She’ll say, “I want a guy who’s over six feet tall, and I want a guy who has got a good job for himself. He’s making so much money. He’s emotionally intelligent. He cares about me, he’s compassionate, et cetera.” And so all of those things that she’s saying are things that she’s attracted to relationally, but not necessarily things that equal sexual arousal. And you hear this all the time with women who was like, “oh, he was such a great guy, but I just wasn’t attracted to him.”

What she’s really saying is, “he’s a really great guy. I was attracted to him relationally, but I wasn’t aroused by him. I wasn’t turned on by him. He sort of met the criteria of the checklist of what I wanted, or what I thought I wanted, right? He had a good job. He had a good family. He’s very nice. He’s very compassionate, very kind. But there was no element of spark and so I wasn’t aroused.”

So I think the biggest misunderstanding that a lot of men are operating on that I would really encourage us to challenge is this misunderstanding between what a woman is attracted to and what a woman is aroused by. I think if you’re a young man out there, or if you’re an old man out there, it doesn’t matter what your age is, and you’re single and dating or you’re in a relationship, there’s merit in being able to distinguish between what the woman that you’re with or dating or et cetera, what she’s attracted to and then what she’s by. Because those two things are often very, very different, right? You can see this again in female literature, right? If you read, if you read any sexy romance novel, if you look at a lot of the data and the research that’s out there, what women are often aroused by and what they want sexually – it’s not that it’s counter to what they’re attracted to and want in a relationship – it’s simply that it’s often the parts of men that we have in modern culture very much demonized and villainized in the last few decades, right?

So again, in this data, what I really got from it, in this polling, in this survey that I found fascinating, and again – I’m not speaking about absolutely every single woman, I’m not talking about every single man, I’m talking about a kind of general population – is that there are more women who are wanting sexually dominant men. But I think that the number of men who are willing to be sexually dominant, who know how to be sexually dominant in a healthy way – I don’t know if that’s lessened. I don’t know if more men are afraid of going down that path. I know for myself, I’ve talked to a lot of men who are like one wrong move and you get canceled. Or, you say the one wrong thing or you’re walking on eggshells. And so a lot of men are – I don’t know wanna say the word afraid, but they’re very cautious of really getting into a relationship and expressing this part of themself or exploring it with their partner.

So I’d be curious to hear your thoughts. I’m not gonna give necessarily any here’s what we should be doing about it or anything like that. I just want to hear what are your thoughts on this matter, on this discrepancy between attraction and arousal, and the volume of women that are out there that maybe want sexually dominant men; and the decrease or the smaller population of men who are willing or wanting to be sexually dominant?

Man It Forward. Share it with somebody that you know is gonna enjoy the conversation. That’s gonna enjoy getting into the comments section and digging in on this one because the dating market is interesting right now, and this conversation seems to be a hot topic. So I look forward to hearing your comments. And until next week, it’s Connor Beaton signing off.

Frans de Waal – Defining Gender Through The Eyes Of A Primatologist

Talking points: gender, gender equality, alpha males, alpha females, violence, culture, psychology

I’ve been following Frans’ work for a while, and have admired how dedicated he is to his work and to uncovering the complexity of primates. This was such an enjoyable and fascinating conversation!

This episode is a compelling look at just how complex and nuanced something like gender can be, from one of THE world’s top primatologists. With more and more pressure to outsource your opinions, your arguments, and your beliefs to the fastest talking pundit, it’s more important than ever to take a step back, breathe, and check the science.

Dr. Frans B. M. de Waal is a Dutch/American biologist and primatologist known for his work on the behavior and social intelligence of primates. His first book, Chimpanzee Politics (1982) compared the schmoozing and scheming of chimpanzees involved in power struggles with that of human politicians. Ever since, de Waal has drawn parallels between primate and human behavior, from peacemaking and morality to culture. His scientific work has been published in hundreds of technical articles in journals such as Science, Nature, Scientific American, and outlets specialized in animal behavior. His popular books — translated into twenty languages — have made him one of the world’s most visible primatologists. His latest books are The Age of Empathy (2009), and The Bonobo and the Atheist (2013). Two recent edited volumes are The Primate Mind (2012) and Evolved Morality (2014).

De Waal is C. H. Candler Professor in the Psychology Department of Emory University and Director of the Living Links Center at the Yerkes National Primate Research Center, in Atlanta, Georgia. Since 2013, he is a Distinguished Professor (Universiteitshoogleraar) at Utrecht University. He has been elected to the (US) National Academy of Sciences, the American Academy of Arts and Sciences, and the Royal Dutch Academy of Sciences. In 2007, he was selected by Time as one of The Worlds’ 100 Most Influential People Today, and in 2011 by Discover as among 47 (all time) Great Minds of Science. Being editor-in-chief of the journal Behaviour, de Waal has stepped in the footsteps of Niko Tinbergen, one of the founders of ethology.

His latest research concerns empathy and cooperation, inequity aversion and social cognition in chimpanzees, bonobos, and other species. He and his students have pioneered studies on how behavior is culturally transmitted in the primates, whether elephants recognize themselves in mirrors, how primates react to unequal reward divisions, how well primates spontaneously cooperate, and whether bonobo orphans are as emotionally affected by their trauma as human orphans.

 

00:02:22 What is a primatologist, and how Frans’ early work surprised everyone, including himself 

00:08:58 Why research gender in primates?

00:012:23 You can’t draw lines on gender, the biology of sex and gender differences, and examples in other animals

00:19:39 Why do we want to see ourselves in primate culture?

00:24:25 Female sexuality has been historically downplayed 

00:31:40 Do you feel your work on primates gets politicized?

00:38:16 Are males naturally more dominant, and what is an alpha male really?

00:46:23 Is there a time and place for physical dominance, and the effect of older males on younger males

00:52:51 Are males more hierarchical than females in primate culture?

01:02:56 The misconceptions around violence in primates

01:06:49 Will learning more about biology lead to gender equality?

01:12:54 Final thoughts; we should look at gender as a complex story

Connect with Frans:

-Book: Different: Gender Through The Eyes Of A Primatologist: https://amzn.to/3K4MvLA
-TED Talk: Moral Behavior In Animals: https://www.ted.com/talks/frans_de_waal_moral_behavior_in_animals

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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