Dating & Relationships

Danica Patrick – Where Achievement And Spirituality Meet

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Talking points: masculinity, femininity, achievement, dating, psychedelics, competition, culture, truth, what men and women want (and what they get wrong)

Wow. Danica and I covered a LOT of territory in this conversation. Like, top 3 widest-ranging conversations I’ve had on the podcast. Listen in for everything from masculine/feminine dynamics, to the nature of truth, to sharing psychedelic stories, to what men get wrong about women (and vice versa).

This is a brilliant episode to dig into if you’re looking less for answers and more for wonder. Much of what we discussed is better served by not forcing solutions, but simply wondering about viewpoints. Plus, you get a little of everything in this one!

 

[00:03:54] – Danica’s defining moment

[00:11:41] – Women and the masculine

[00:17:49] – How did masculine energy show up in Danica’s career?

[00:23:47] – How does it feel to be told, as a woman, “You’re more masculine than I am”?

[00:37:17] – The intersection of achievement and spirituality

[00:44:52] – Psychedelic experiences

[00:54:24] – How has your imagination and curiosity shaped your life?

[01:08:28] – How do you view the masculine and feminine culturally?

[01:30:18] – What do women get wrong about men, and vice versa?

 

About Danica Patrick

At just 10 years old, Danica’s racing career began after her parents bought her a go-kart. After winning numerous regional and national go-kart titles, Danica left the Midwest at 16 years old to compete in the cutthroat world of European road racing.

As a racecar driver, Danica Patrick broke barriers and set records with her on-track performance. With her racing career behind her, Danica looks to her next chapter as she focuses on her passions: good food, great wine, fitness and helping others achieve their goals.

Moving into her next chapter, retired from racing, Danica’s focus has shifted to her role as an entrepreneur and business owner. Danica has launched the clothing line – Warrior by Danica Patrick, authored a book Pretty Intense, and is the sole proprietor of Somnium, a vineyard in Napa Valley, California. In addition to these passion projects, Danica also continues to do inspirational speaking engagements and she plans to build upon these initiatives in the coming years.

Connect with Danica

-Website: https://www.danicapatrick.com/

-Podcast: https://www.danicapatrick.com/podcasts

-Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/danicapatrick/

-Twitter: https://twitter.com/danicapatrick

This podcast is brought to you by Organifi! Plant-based nutrition that’s science-backed, high quality, and something I use literally every day. Hit up the link for 20% off your next purchase here: https://www.organifi.com/mantalks

Pick up my brand-new book, Men’s Work: A Practical Guide To Face Your Darkness, End Self-Sabotage, And Find Freedom: https://mantalks.com/mens-work-book/

Enjoy the podcast? If so, please leave a review on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or Podchaser. It helps us get into the ears of new listeners, expand the ManTalks Community, and help others find the tools and training they’re looking for. And don’t forget to subscribe on Apple Podcasts | Google Podcasts  | Spotify

Looking to build brotherhood with a powerful group of like-minded men from around the world? Check out The Alliance and join me today. 

Lastly, check some more free resources: How To Quit Porn | Anger Meditation | How To Lead In Your Relationship

For more episodes, visit us at ManTalks.com | Facebook | Instagram | Twitter

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

The Big Misunderstanding About What Women Are Attracted To

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Shorter episode today, but something I’d love to get your thoughts on. This came from a recent conversation between Lex Friedman and Aella, a sex researcher, writer, and sex worker.

She surveyed her followers on what men and women actually want in the bedroom, and noticed an interesting discrepancy. I polled my own followers and found something similar. Listen in!

Check out Aella’s work here: https://knowingless.com/

Transcript below!

This podcast is brought to you by Organifi! Plant-based nutrition that’s science-backed, high quality, and something I use literally every day. Hit up the link for 20% off your next purchase here: https://www.organifi.com/mantalks

Pick up my brand-new book, Men’s Work: A Practical Guide To Face Your Darkness, End Self-Sabotage, And Find Freedom: https://mantalks.com/mens-work-book/

Enjoy the podcast? If so, please leave a review on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or Podchaser. It helps us get into the ears of new listeners, expand the ManTalks Community, and help others find the tools and training they’re looking for. And don’t forget to subscribe on Apple Podcasts | Google Podcasts  | Spotify

Looking to build brotherhood with a powerful group of like-minded men from around the world? Check out The Alliance and join me today.

Lastly, check some more free resources: How To Quit Porn | Anger Meditation | How To Lead In Your Relationship

Transcript

What’s going on, team? We’re gonna have a short little episode here today; but we’re gonna be talking about the biggest misunderstanding about a woman’s attraction. I found this to be very interesting because it came out of – this whole conversation came out of some research that I stumbled across.

I think I was listening to Lex Friedman podcast, and he was interviewing this woman named Aella. I don’t know if I’m saying that right: A-E-L-L-A. She was a former OnlyFans star and escort, et cetera, turned relationship data scientist. And so she uses her platform to study relationships. She had talked about this poll that I went and checked out where she started to see that there was this big discrepancy between what men thought women wanted and what women actually wanted sexually within the bedroom. And so she put out a poll and said, “Women, how many of you want a man to be sexually dominant in the bedroom? How many of you want a dominant man sexually?”

The stats were quite high. She also asked men, “How sexually dominant do you want to be or think you should be in the bedroom?” And that was quite a bit lower. And so she started to see this discrepancy emerging that more women want a sexually dominant man than men want to be sexually dominant in the bedroom.

Now, I thought that this was fascinating. I would not have guessed that if somebody had asked me that initially; and so I actually repeated the same poll, the same kind of survey on my platform on Instagram. And if you’re not following me, it’s @mantalks. But I repeated this poll, and I said, “Men, how many of you want to be sexually dominant in the bedroom and to what degree?” So I said, ‘zero to three, three to six, six to eight, eight to 10.’

Then I asked women, “How many of you want a man to be sexually dominant in the bedroom? With the same scale.” And what was fascinating, to my surprise, was that the data matched up with what this woman, Aella, had found, which is that more women wanted men to be sexually dominant in the bedroom than men wanted to be sexually dominant in the bedroom.

It got me to thinking: why is that? How has this come about that less men want to be sexually dominant? So I followed up with the men and I said, “Is it that you don’t want to be sexually dominant, or is it that you think that you shouldn’t be?”

Now, this is where it gets really interesting. A lot of the men responded by saying that their perspective of womens’ desires, and I asked them to DM me, message, and whatnot. A lot of the men who responded said, “I think most women don’t want sexually dominant men. I don’t think that women want a man to be that directional or take charge in the bedroom, right?”

So there’s this growing stereotype that a man who wants to be, and I think this has been in our culture for a number of years, that a man who wants to be sexually dominant is dangerous. That a man who wants to be sexually dominant is somehow toxic, and that a man who wants to be sexually dominant is actually not what women want, which is counter to a good amount of polling and data and evidence. I think I had about 2,500 men and 2,500 women respond to the polling in the survey. And I think Aella had like tens of thousands of people respond to the survey. So of course this is a smaller subset of data and we can talk about the data itself and the efficacy of it, based on the polling in the survey, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

But the truth still stands that there’s a bit of a discrepancy there. And so I think what has started to transpire is two things: number one, I think that over the years there’s been this very negative connotation around our sexual desires as men. I think that, for the most part, when you look out at the modern narrative, when you look at the mainstream narrative, and anytime that it talks about men and sex, it’s generally not a good narrative. It’s not like, “yeah, men’s sexual appetites and energy is positive. It’s great.” it’s like, “no, men are responsible for domestic violence and all these things.” And so what really gets highlighted is the dangers of male sexuality. So I think that that’s part one, is that the quote unquote “dangers of male sexuality” have become so prominent within the modern narrative that a lot of men are afraid to even go near any kind of sexual dominance, right? Being able to express or explore what maybe is truly what they desire.

Number two: I think is a discrepancy and a complete misunderstanding of what women. And what I’ve noticed guys get caught by is that they go online and they maybe follow a female dating coach, or they follow guys who are talking about relationship advice, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera, and they ask the question, “what does a woman really want?” And the more that you listen to, and I’ll just speak from my personal experience, but the more that I listen to a woman, describe what she wants, and I’ve spent a lot of time doing this. I’ve been on a ton of women’s podcasts talking to them: what do you want? What do you desire? The more that you’ll hear a woman talk about what she’s attracted to, not what she’s aroused by. And I think that this is the biggest discrepancy that when you listen to a woman, describe what she actually wants, what she’s attracted to, what she’s attracted to relationally, she’ll often talk about things that indicate a kind of physical or emotional safety, right?

So maybe she’ll talk about status, right? She’ll say, “I want a guy who’s over six feet tall, and I want a guy who has got a good job for himself. He’s making so much money. He’s emotionally intelligent. He cares about me, he’s compassionate, et cetera.” And so all of those things that she’s saying are things that she’s attracted to relationally, but not necessarily things that equal sexual arousal. And you hear this all the time with women who was like, “oh, he was such a great guy, but I just wasn’t attracted to him.”

What she’s really saying is, “he’s a really great guy. I was attracted to him relationally, but I wasn’t aroused by him. I wasn’t turned on by him. He sort of met the criteria of the checklist of what I wanted, or what I thought I wanted, right? He had a good job. He had a good family. He’s very nice. He’s very compassionate, very kind. But there was no element of spark and so I wasn’t aroused.”

So I think the biggest misunderstanding that a lot of men are operating on that I would really encourage us to challenge is this misunderstanding between what a woman is attracted to and what a woman is aroused by. I think if you’re a young man out there, or if you’re an old man out there, it doesn’t matter what your age is, and you’re single and dating or you’re in a relationship, there’s merit in being able to distinguish between what the woman that you’re with or dating or et cetera, what she’s attracted to and then what she’s by. Because those two things are often very, very different, right? You can see this again in female literature, right? If you read, if you read any sexy romance novel, if you look at a lot of the data and the research that’s out there, what women are often aroused by and what they want sexually – it’s not that it’s counter to what they’re attracted to and want in a relationship – it’s simply that it’s often the parts of men that we have in modern culture very much demonized and villainized in the last few decades, right?

So again, in this data, what I really got from it, in this polling, in this survey that I found fascinating, and again – I’m not speaking about absolutely every single woman, I’m not talking about every single man, I’m talking about a kind of general population – is that there are more women who are wanting sexually dominant men. But I think that the number of men who are willing to be sexually dominant, who know how to be sexually dominant in a healthy way – I don’t know if that’s lessened. I don’t know if more men are afraid of going down that path. I know for myself, I’ve talked to a lot of men who are like one wrong move and you get canceled. Or, you say the one wrong thing or you’re walking on eggshells. And so a lot of men are – I don’t know wanna say the word afraid, but they’re very cautious of really getting into a relationship and expressing this part of themself or exploring it with their partner.

So I’d be curious to hear your thoughts. I’m not gonna give necessarily any here’s what we should be doing about it or anything like that. I just want to hear what are your thoughts on this matter, on this discrepancy between attraction and arousal, and the volume of women that are out there that maybe want sexually dominant men; and the decrease or the smaller population of men who are willing or wanting to be sexually dominant?

Man It Forward. Share it with somebody that you know is gonna enjoy the conversation. That’s gonna enjoy getting into the comments section and digging in on this one because the dating market is interesting right now, and this conversation seems to be a hot topic. So I look forward to hearing your comments. And until next week, it’s Connor Beaton signing off.

How To Stay Calm When She’s Upset

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Talking points: breathwork, calm, emotional volatility

I’ve talked pretty often about leading in a relationship, but a session with a recent client inspired me to dig into one of the more key components: regulating yourself and staying level-headed while your partner is upset. What does this mean, how do you do it, and why? Listen in.

02:02 – What it means to regulate

05:24 – Why the “take a deep breath” cliche actually works

08:33 – Women don’t want to have to validate your emotions

Transcript below

This podcast is brought to you by Organifi! Plant-based nutrition that’s science-backed, high quality, and something I use literally every day. Hit up the link for 20% off your next here: https://www.organifi.com/mantalks

Pick up my brand-new book! Men’s Work: A Practical Guide To Face Your Darkness, End Self-Sabotage, And Find Freedom: https://mantalks.com/mens-work-book/

Did you enjoy the podcast? If so, please leave us a review on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or Podchaser. It helps us get into the ears of new listeners, expand the ManTalks Community, and help others find the self-leadership they’re looking for.

Are you looking to find purpose, navigate transition, or fix your relationships, all with a powerful group of men from around the world? Check out The Alliance and join me today.

Check out our Facebook Page or the Men’s community.

Subscribe on Apple Podcasts | Google Podcasts  | Spotify

For more episodes, visit us at ManTalks.com | Facebook | Instagram | Twitter

Transcript

What’s going on, men? Welcome back to The ManTalks Show. I’m Connor Beaton. Today we’re gonna talk about the single most important thing to the success of your relationship; and this might be one of the most important elements to being able to lead in your relationship. Now, last year I put out this video that’s done incredibly well called How to Lead in Your Relationship, or Five Steps to Lead In Your Relationship. And you can find it on my YouTube channel. You can find it on my podcast.

I got a lot of questions from men asking me to go a little bit deeper into some of those principles. Recently I was having a session with a man and we were working on some conflict that had come up in his relationship. And he said every time that my woman gets a little fiery, some of her anger starts to come out, or she starts to get sad, I find myself freezing up or I become reactive and it’s hard for me to manage. And I said, “okay, well, let’s make this very clear: your mission in your marriage, your mission, in your relationship is to out-regulate her. It’s to out regulate your partner.” It’s the same with your kids, it’s the same with your colleagues, right? Your mission is to out-regulate that other person.

Now, what does that mean to out-regulate? And it’s not to say that they don’t have their own responsibility. It’s not to say that you need to parent your wife or your girlfriend. It’s not to say any of those things, right? So don’t misinterpret my words, because I can hear the comments coming already, like “I’m not my wife’s father,” or “I don’t need to parent my girlfriend.” No, you don’t. But you still need to regulate yourself, right? You still need to be in charge of your internal charge.

So what does it mean to regulate yourself? Well, if you just look at the definition of to regulate, it means to control or to maintain – and I like the word maintain here – maintain the rate or the speed of a process that it operates properly, okay? To maintain the rate or a speed of something, a machine or process, et cetera, so that it operates properly.

Now, what does that mean for us? It means that we need to maintain the internal rate, the internal speed, the internal experience that we’re having, so that we can operate properly in a conversation, during a conflict or a disagreement, in a sexual interaction. One of the main challenges that a lot of us men have, and I’ve been working with men from all over the world for a decade, and I see this happening all the time, is that they don’t have good – and I fell into this category as well, I’m not excluding myself from this – that we don’t have good maintenance over the speed at which things are happening internally. So we have this internal charge, right? And you can think of it as like an electrical charge, and that’s your normal state of homeostasis. And when you start to feel more stressed, you know that charge starts to go faster. Your heart rate starts to go up, your breath rate starts to go up. The amount of thoughts that you start to have, those start to go up.

And so our work is to, what’s called downregulate – the clinical term, which we’ll talk about in a second, but our work is to be able to reduce the speed at which everything is happening within us. Reduce. Reduce the speed of our breath, which in turn is going to reduce the speed of our heart rate, which in turn is going to calm the mind, right? It’s literally going to settle the storm of the mind, all the thoughts that are racing through. Should I say this? Should I say that? I disliked what she just said there. And it’s going to temper the emotional charge. This, the rate at which, and the intensity at which your emotions are coming through. For most of the guys that I work with, I’m like, “okay, walk me through the process of what happens when your wife or your girlfriend says something or does something that causes you to feel angry or disrespected or upset, or she’s upset with you.” Or she’s just upset about something that happened with her mom or one of the kids or something. And what a lot of guys will describe is that their whole internal process starts to speed up, right? Their mind starts to go faster. How do I solve this problem? How do I fix things for her? Their emotions start to become more intense, right? Maybe their anxiety starts to rise, or their anger starts to rise, or their discomfort starts to become more intense. Their breathing rate elevates, their heart rate elevates and they move, right? We move into a more stressed out state.

Now, how in the hell are you supposed to support, lead, or direct any kind of interaction with anybody, right? This isn’t just with your partner or your girlfriend, or your wife, [but] with your kids, with your colleagues at work, with your business partners, with clients. How are you supposed to guide or lead any kind of interaction when you are in this naturally stressed out state?

So what do we do? Well, the first thing that we need to do is we need to slow down our breathing. Your breath is in many ways, the dial that over a little, brief period of time can turn up your heart rate and can turn up the stress response in your body. This is why this sort of cliche saying of “take a deep breath” is actually kind of accurate. Now there’s a type of deep breath that is going to help you specifically, and there’s deep breaths that are gonna cause you to feel a little bit more panicked, right, a little bit more stressed out. So how we regulate, how we start to maintain that speed is that as soon as something, as soon as we receive any kind of external stress stimulus, right, our partner is emotional, maybe she’s, angry about something that happened at work, or she’s pissed off at one of the kids, or maybe she’s disappointed that we forgot to do something, or her dad or her mom said something and she’s upset. We immediately bring some of our focus and our consciousness and our awareness to the breath, to be able to just check in.

Okay, did I stop breathing just now? Can I take a deep breath? Can I slow down my breath rate? Can I tune into the experience, what I call the D.F.E – our Direct Felt Experience? Can I tune into the direct felt experience of what I’m experiencing in this? Because if I’m disconnected from that, then there’s no hope in hell that I’m gonna be able to support my partner or navigate and traverse the intensity that my partner might be experiencing.

So we move back into our breath. We slow down our breath, we maintain some focus and attention on our breath, and we tune into what we are feeling and experiencing in the body. And by doing this, we are able to articulate and regulate what’s happening within our own experience. And this feels like safety to most women, right? This feels like a kind of – I heard a woman describe it once as, “getting to sit underneath the shade of a tree, after being in the sun for a long day.”

When a woman has a lot of emotions, she’s upset, she’s angry, whatever it is, even if it has nothing to do with you, and you can maintain your connection to your own body, your connection to your own breath, you can provide a kind of safety co-regulation stability that you don’t necessarily need to do much. I think a lot of guys are actually trying to do too much when it comes to supporting their partner when they’re upset or when conflict happens, right? It’s like, “oh, I gotta solve this. I gotta fix this. I gotta figure out what’s wrong. I gotta figure out what to do about this.”

And one of the best ways that we can do that is by returning to the breath, slowing the breath down, tuning into our heart rate, tuning into the charge, and the intensity in the body, and begin to down-regulate that. And as soon as we can do that, we have more bandwidth, we have more capacity for our woman, for our partner, for our kids, for our colleagues at work, whoever it is. But within our relationship, this is specifically one of the most important things because the reality is that even though the world is telling men to be more open and be more vulnerable and share their emotions more and do all of these things, women still want strong men.

And I’ve said this time and time again, and it’s gotten a lot of attention in a lot of my videos, from both men and women, which is that women don’t want to validate a man’s emotions. When a woman says, I want you to be more vulnerable, what she’s really saying is, I want to know what you’re experiencing, so I want you to know what you are feeling and to be able to articulate it to me, but for me to also know that you’ve got it. That you can regulate your own system.

Because a man who is out of control, unable to maintain his own emotional state is going to be an unsafe man. That man might leave, he might peace out, he might become violent, he might become aggressive or abusive in some way, right? So there’s a very real physiological threat that a woman feels around a man who is unable to maintain his internal emotional experience.

And so the more that you can begin to work on understanding your internal experience and regulating it, and out-regulating your partner, right… It’s like, okay, she’s having an emotional reaction. I’m gonna breathe. I’m gonna maintain a sense of peace and equanimity and calmness. I’m gonna understand how I’m feeling and I’m gonna be with that while listening to what she’s going through. That provides the ultimate level of safety and understanding for the relationship. So try this today when you’re around your girlfriend, when you’re around your wife, and you’re around your kids, just start to tune into the breath, inhaling through the nose, and letting your exhales be a little longer out the mouth; and you’ll find that naturally over a little bit of [time], 30, 60 seconds, 90 seconds, as you slow down your breath rate, your heart rate will slow down, and you’ll feel a little bit more calm and grounded in that moment.

So give that a try today. Let me know what you thought about this. Don’t forget to man it forward, whether you’re listening to this on the podcast or watching this on YouTube. And as always, until next week, this is Connor Beaton, signing off.

AJ & John – Are Young Men Actually Lost, And What Society Isn’t Talking About

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Talking points: male isolation and “lostness”, dating, dating apps, relationships, redpill, AI

AJ, John and I covered a lot of ground, my friends. I’ve been following along with their work for a while and was recently on their podcast, The Art of Charm. Check the timestamps to see just how wide the net is!

This is a great episode to listen to if you’re wondering about some of the challenges younger men seem to be facing, what’s shifted for them compared to the GenX and millennial experience, and whether or not there’s hope.

00:03:12.000 – AJ’s defining moment

00:06:14.700 – John’s defining moment

00:12:57.500 – What’s changed for men since AJ and John started?

00:22:10.500 – Male isolation is increasing. Why?

00:40:43.00 – The shifting male archetype

00:47:23.500 – Good relationships with other men is a status signal

00:58:03.000 – Is AI going to impact mating and dating?

01:02:16.500 – What are some key foundations to an intimate relationship?

01:09:24.750 – Is there hope for young men?

AJ and John, through The Art of Charm, provide training and personal coaching for activating your ability to attract the right people, create meaningful relationships, and reach greater levels of success in your life. These programs include the strategies they’ve used over the last 15+ years to put more than 9,100 people into the fast lane.

Connect with AJ and John

-Website: https://theartofcharm.com/

-Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/theartofcharm/

-Twitter: https://twitter.com/TheArtOfCharm

-Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/1894473717446171/

-Podcast: https://theartofcharm.com/podcast/

This podcast is brought to you by Organifi! Plant-based nutrition that’s science-backed, high quality, and something I use literally every day. Hit up the link for 20% off your next here: https://www.organifi.com/mantalks

Pick up my brand-new book! Men’s Work: A Practical Guide To Face Your Darkness, End Self-Sabotage, And Find Freedom: https://mantalks.com/mens-work-book/

Did you enjoy the podcast? If so, please leave us a review on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or Podchaser. It helps us get into the ears of new listeners, expand the ManTalks Community, and help others find the self-leadership they’re looking for.

Are you looking to find purpose, navigate transition, or fix your relationships, all with a powerful group of men from around the world? Check out The Alliance and join me today. 

Check out our Facebook Page or the Men’s community.

Subscribe on Apple Podcasts | Google Podcasts  | Spotify

For more episodes, visit us at ManTalks.com | Facebook | Instagram | Twitter

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Dr. Shefali – Parenting In A Time Of Chaos And Confusion

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Talking points: dad life, parenting, teenagers, masculinity

Very excited to share this conversation. I’ve found Dr. Shefali’s approach to parenting both fascinating and helpful. This week over Zoom, we dug into what kids and parents are facing these days, and how parents and parenting culture can best support children.

Dr. Shefali received her doctorate in clinical psychology from Columbia University. Specializing in the integration of Western psychology and Eastern philosophy, she brings together the best of both worlds for her clients. She is an expert in family dynamics and personal development, teaching courses around the globe. She has written four books, three of which are New York Times best-sellers, including her two landmark books The Conscious Parent and The Awakened Family.

Connect with Dr. Shefali

-Website: https://www.drshefali.com/

-Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/doctorshefali/

-Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/doctorshefali

-TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@doctorshefali/

-YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/c/DrShefali

Pick up my brand new book! Men’s Work: A Practical Guide To Face Your Darkness, End Self-Sabotage, And Find Freedom: https://mantalks.com/mens-work-book/

Did you enjoy the podcast? If so, please leave us a review on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or Podchaser. It helps us get into the ears of new listeners, expand the ManTalks Community, and help others find the self-leadership they’re looking for.

Are you looking to find purpose, navigate transition, or fix your relationships, all with a powerful group of men from around the world? Check out The Alliance and join me today. 

Check out our Facebook Page or the Men’s community.

Subscribe on Apple Podcasts | Google Podcasts  | Spotify

For more episodes, visit us at ManTalks.com | Facebook | Instagram | Twitter   

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Professor Scott Galloway – Why Young Men Are In Decline, And What To Do

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Talking points: porn, masculinity, male decline, radicalization

Listeners, this one has been a long time coming. I’ve been a big fan of Scott’s work for a long time, and love his no-nonsense approach, particularly when it comes to what’s going on with men and modern culture. Not only that, but Scott has the science to back it up, something I deeply appreciate. Men, share this with your friends. Ladies, share this with your men. This is important stuff.

Scott Galloway is a Professor of Marketing at NYU Stern School of Business, where he teaches Brand Strategy and Digital Marketing to second-year MBA students and is the author of the Digital IQ Index ®, a global ranking of prestige brands’ digital competence. In 2012, Professor Galloway was named “One of the World’s 50 Best Business School Professors” (Poets & Quants). Professor Galloway is also the founder of several firms, including:

–L2, a subscription business intelligence firm serving prestige brands;

-Red Envelope, an e-commerce firm (2007, $100mm revs.); and

-Prophet, a global brand strategy consultancy with 250+ professionals

Professor Galloway was elected to the World Economic Forum’s “Global Leaders of Tomorrow,” which recognizes 100 individuals under the age of 40 “whose accomplishments have had impact on a global level.” Professor Galloway has served on the board of directors of Eddie Bauer (Nasdaq: EBHI), The New York Times Company (NYSE: NYT), Gateway Computer, and Berkeley’s Haas School of Business. He received a BA from UCLA and an MBA from UC Berkeley.

Connect with Scott

-Website: https://www.profgalloway.com/

-Twitter: https://twitter.com/profgalloway

-Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/profgalloway/

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See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Why Do Men Care About A Woman’s Sexual Past?

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Now of course, not all men care, but I wanted to answer this question because it’s something I get asked about a LOT—and almost always from women. It’s a complex topic, too, but I wanted to be as succinct as possible.

DM on Instagram if there’s anything you’d like to add, what you agree or disagree with, or any other thoughts!

Transcript below!

Pick up my brand new book! Men’s Work: A Practical Guide To Face Your Darkness, End Self-Sabotage, And Find Freedom: https://mantalks.com/mens-work-book/

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Transcript

All right, team. Welcome back to The ManTalks Show. I am Connor Beaton and today we’re gonna explore an interesting topic, which is why men care about a woman’s sexual past or sexual history and what most women get wrong about this question, or at least don’t understand.

And I don’t say that last part to be condescending or ignorant. I say that because genuinely I get messages all the time from women who are asking me: “I don’t understand why men, why my boyfriend, why the men I date care so much about my sexual past.” So we’re gonna talk about this. Now the truth is that it’s a complex topic and there’s many different things that play into it, but I’m gonna try and break it down into something very simple, very tactical, and very tangible.

Okay? And so here we go. We’re gonna start off with a very simple analogy, and ladies, I wanna talk to you first. Before I do that very quickly though, I want to hear from you. Let me know what you think. Did I miss something? Do you like the analogies? Do you think there’s a better one? Do you disagree? I’m curious to get your thoughts.

Okay, so analogy number one: ladies, I want you to imagine for a moment that you have been dating your partner, your man for four years or maybe five, and after about a year, year and a half, you realize you love this man. You want him to commit to you, you want to commit to him, you want to get engaged, you want to get married, you want to take this relationship to the next stage. And you start dropping hints. And then those hints become not so hinty, right? Not so subtle. And they become more direct. And then eventually you just have the all out conversation of when are we moving forward, when are we getting engaged, when are we getting married, et cetera.

And eventually months go by, and maybe a couple years go by, and nothing happens. But finally, one day after four or five years of dating, he proposes. You’re excited and you feel really good. And a few weeks go by, or a few months go by, and you’re having a conversation with one of his close friends or maybe a family member, right? Maybe one of his siblings. And it comes out that he, in his past relationships, in his past major relationships [he] had proposed to his exes. Maybe there’s three of them, or four of them, and he had proposed to those exes in half the amount of time that it took him to propose to you. Maybe he had proposed to one of them in a couple months, and maybe one within twelve months, or a year or a year and a half. But he proposed to them, all of them, and he proposed to them in half the amount of time.

Okay. Number two analogy. Number two: ladies, I want you to imagine for a moment that you’ve been dating a man and you’ve been dating him for a couple years and you really love him, and he is wonderful and he meets all your requirements. And you’re a woman that really likes to be worldly. You want to travel, you want to experience nice things, you want to go to nice restaurants, and you like to be romantic, right? You like to feel like your man is taking care of you and he’s romantic and he’s doing romantic gestures, and so you’ve expressed that to him.

But for the most part, he doesn’t take you to nice places, and you don’t really go out to nice dinners, and the vacations that you go on are never to cool places around the world. They’re in the backyard of America. And it’s not really that interesting, but you’re kind of subsiding for it. It’s, okay. Right? It’s all right. But after two years have gone by, one day – again, you’re talking with one of his friends, you’re talking with one of his family members – and it slips that with all of his exes he traveled the world with them. He took them to Italy, and they went to Paris Fashion Week, and they rented boats, and they went to Michelin star restaurants, and he took them out to beautiful places, and created these big romantic gestures to show how much he loved and cared for them.

Now I can almost guarantee that for the majority of women, if they were in either of those scenarios, they are going to feel devalued. They’re going to feel maybe disrespected, and they’re going to feel less loved in some capacity, and they might have the right to be upset. Now, why is this important and what does it actually allude to?

It all alludes to the fact that mostly speaking, women are the gatekeepers of sex, and men are the gatekeepers of marriage or commitment. We can just replace marriage with commitment. Now, how do we know this to be true? How do we know that women are the gatekeepers of sex and men are the gatekeepers of marriage?

For the most part, men are trying to get as much sex as possible with as little investment, right? So as little time, effort, energy, and resources spent; and women are trying to get as much commitment with the least amount of sex spent. So when you see a relationship starting between a man and a woman, for the most part, a woman is looking for: “is this man expending time, effort, energy, and resources on me. Is he listening to me? Is he texting me back? Is he spending time with me? Is he taking an interest in my life and who I am and what I care about, and what upsets me?” And a man is looking for: “is she sexually open to me? Is she sexually interested in me? Is she attracted to me?”

So the same is true for men, but when it comes to sex, men are trying to discern your loyalty as a woman, your interest in him, your commitment to him based on your attraction and your level of sexual openness. Sometimes – and often – as it compares to your past and previous relationships.

So the truth is that men are assessing this sexual loyalty. Your sexual loyalty to them. Much like you are assessing their relational loyalty, right? Their commitment, their willingness to spend time with you, spend effort, spend energy, take interest in you. All of those things are how the relationship and the level of commitment is being assessed.

So the real question here is: do your words match your actions? Because most women see a man’s ability to prioritize them, prioritize time, dates, effort, listening, conversations at night on the phone, text messaging, planning things. Really showing that interest as a level of commitment, right? And women will look at, are you as a man expending time, effort, energy, and resources in me? And if so, then that needs to match your level of commitment that you say you are at, the level of commitment that you have for me. And men are looking for sexual interest, sexual openness, right? Will you explore with me? Will you get freaky with me? Right? Will you do things that maybe you haven’t done in past relationships or wanted to explore in past relationships?

Here’s the crux of it: if a man finds out that you have been sexually active in the past, very, very, very sexually active, and you’ve had many, many partners; or you had a couple partners that you had exceptional sex with, have expressed having a better sex life, or explored more sexual things with those past partners than him, and you’ve been more sexually promiscuous with them, then he is going to feel devalued. He’s going to interpret this as meaning that your level of commitment to him is less than those other partners.

Now lastly, because I can hear the commentary coming, I want to address the double standard because this is something that comes up often when this conversation comes up – the notion that women get upset about the double standard. Why does a man get praised for having a high body count or having been with many women in the past, having many partners, and a woman is often looked down on or talked negatively about? And again, this is a bit of a complex issue, but I’m gonna try and break it down to this exists because the truth is that for the majority of men, for really a lot of men, it is incredibly difficult to secure sex in any form. It is incredibly difficult; and the amount of effort that you have to put into acquiring sex as a man is incredibly challenging, especially outside of a relationship, right? Especially if you don’t want a relationship, you just want to sleep with women. Whereas for the majority of women, this is going to be of little issue, right? Any woman could go on social media or dating apps, and if all that they want is to have sex and get laid, they can get that pretty easy at almost any time. So the valuable resource here, what men are looking for is the ability to regulate or temper sexual acquisition and sexual satisfaction, because that’s the resource.

What women are often looking for is the resource of giving commitment, giving the assuredness of interest: emotionally, time, effort, energy, et cetera, because that’s the thing that women know that men are hesitant to give out freely, and that women have to work oftentimes harder in order to acquire, whereas men oftentimes are going to have to work a lot harder to acquire sex.

So with all of that said, I hope that this answers the question as clearly as possible. I’m curious to get your thoughts. What would you add to this? What did you love not like? What analogy would you use? And don’t forget to man it forward. So until next week, this is Connor Beaton signing off.

Vienna Pharaon – The Origins Of You

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Talking points: internal family systems, origin stories, wounding, sleep deprived or sleep depraved?

Folks, I am so deeply proud of my wife, and very excited to have her on the show once more to dive deep into her book, The Origins of You. We look at origin stories, aka how family patterns also create patterns in ourselves—that then impact our lives and relationships in so many different ways. This is definitely an episode to share with someone, or to listen alongside your partner!

Connect with Vienna:

-Website: https://viennapharaon.com/

-Counselling: https://www.newyorkcouplescounseling.com

-Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/mindfulmft/

-Book; The Origins of You: https://bit.ly/3kiEcml

-International Book Link: https://geni.us/TheOriginsOfYou

Pick up my brand new book! Men’s Work: A Practical Guide To Face Your Darkness, End Self-Sabotage, And Find Freedom: https://mantalks.com/mens-work-book/

Did you enjoy the podcast? If so, please leave us a review on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or Podchaser. It helps us get into the ears of new listeners, expand the ManTalks Community, and help others find the self-leadership they’re looking for.

Are you looking to find purpose, navigate transition, or fix your relationships, all with a powerful group of men from around the world? Check out The Alliance and join me today.

Check out our Facebook Page or the Men’s community.

Subscribe on Apple Podcasts | Google Podcasts  | Spotify

For more episodes visit us at ManTalks.com | Facebook | Instagram | Twitter

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Jeremie Lotemo – Navigating America, Masculinity, And Partnership

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Talking points: transition, moving from the Congo to America, equality, masculinity, and relationships.

This was a phenomenal conversation. Full stop. Jeremie and I cover a lot of ground, and I’m grateful to have his insight and perspective on men’s work. It’s nuanced, clear, and deeply authentic.

Jeremie Lotemo is a transformation coach helping clients create lasting change by examining the stories and beliefs that influence them on an unconscious level. He works to help them reestablish safety in the body in order to recognize these beliefs and release them completely.

Before becoming a coach, Jeremie was an account manager for one of the fastest-growing marketing agencies in Atlanta, eventually developing his own agency. For years, he helped clients use advertising to influence the behavior of their customers. This led him to analyze how much of his own life, choices, and ambitions were a product of someone else’s story.

He left advertising and now uses his skills to help others write a story that’s entirely their own.

Pre-order my upcoming book! Men’s Work: A Practical Guide To Face Your Darkness, End Self-Sabotage, And Find Freedom: https://mantalks.com/mens-work-book/

Did you enjoy the podcast? If so, please leave us a review on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or Podchaser. It helps us get into the ears of new listeners, expand the ManTalks Community, and help others find the self-leadership they’re looking for.

Are you looking to find purpose, navigate transition, or fix your relationships, all with a powerful group of men from around the world? Check out The Alliance and join me today. 

Check out our Facebook Page or the Men’s community.

Subscribe on Apple Podcasts | Google Podcasts  | Spotify

For more episodes visit us at ManTalks.com | Facebook | Instagram | Twitter   

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Should You Masturbate While In A Relationship?

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Title says it all, folks. I get asked this question a lot. Like…a lot, a lot. But the answer isn’t as simple as yes or no, obviously. It’s a little more subtle, and requires asking a few deeper questions.

Pre-order my upcoming book! Men’s Work: A Practical Guide To Face Your Darkness, End Self-Sabotage, And Find Freedom: https://mantalks.com/mens-work-book/

Did you enjoy the podcast? If so, please leave us a review on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or Podchaser. It helps us get into the ears of new listeners, expand the ManTalks Community, and help others find the self-leadership they’re looking for.

Are you looking to find purpose, navigate transition, or fix your relationships, all with a powerful group of men from around the world? Check out The Alliance and join me today. 

Check out our Facebook Page or the Men’s community.

Subscribe on Apple Podcasts | Google Podcasts  | Spotify

For more episodes visit us at ManTalks.com | Facebook | Instagram | Twitter

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Humble The Poet – What Is Love?

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Baby don’t hurt me for the cheesy (but very appropriate) title. You’ll just have to listen in.

Talking points: love, family, growing up as an immigrant, community, vulnerability, business, self-love vs self-respect vs self-esteem

Huge honor to sit down with Humble the Poet last month. This was a fascinating and engaging conversation. I deeply appreciate his creative, spiritual, and energetic approach to one of biggest human questions: what is love, really?

Kanwer Singh aka Humble The Poet is a Toronto-bred MC/Spoken word artist with an aura that embodies the diversity and resiliency of one of the world’s most unique cities.

With tattoos, beard, head wrap, and a silly smile, Humble commands attention. He stimulates audiences with ideas that challenge conventional wisdom and go against the grain, with dynamic live sets that shake conventions and minds at the same time. 

Humble’s distinctive style and point of view have also been featured on popular television program CBC’s Canada Reads, and took home top prize. He was also featured in Apple’s first Canadian ad spot for their #ShotOnIphone campaign. Humble’s latest EP titled Righteous/Ratchet features the first single H.A.I.R, a celebration of women of all shapes, sizes, hair, and walks of life. His self-directed video for H.A.I.R has amassed almost 2 million views since its release. The video features YouTube sensation and longtime collaborator Lilly Singh.

Humble’s first book, Unlearn: 101 Simple Truths For A Better Life, was published through Indigo Press in October 2017. It became a Heather’s Pick and has stayed on the Globe & Mail Bestsellers list since its release. Unlearn was re-released with Harper Collins Publishing in April 2019. Humble’s next book: Things No One Else Can Teach Us was released in the fall of 2019. 

His latest book is titled HOW TO BE LOVE(d): Simple Truths For Going Easier On Yourself, Embracing Imperfection & Loving Your Way To A Better Life. Humble offers insightful stories from his own deeply personal experience with love and down-to-earth advice on the most important lesson he’s ever learned: love isn’t found or earned, it’s realized.

Connect with Humble

-Website: https://www.humblethepoet.com/

-New Book: https://bit.ly/3GsmSlT

-Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/humblethepoet/

-Twitter: https://www.twitter.com/humblethepoet

-YouTube: https://bit.ly/3IzAJtt

Pre-order my upcoming book! Men’s Work: A Practical Guide To Face Your Darkness, End Self-Sabotage, And Find Freedom: https://mantalks.com/mens-work-book/

Did you enjoy the podcast? If so, please leave us a review on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or Podchaser. It helps us get into the ears of new listeners, expand the ManTalks Community, and help others find the self-leadership they’re looking for.

Are you looking to find purpose, navigate transition, or fix your relationships, all with a powerful group of men from around the world? Check out The Alliance and join me today. 

Check out our Facebook Page or the Men’s community.

Subscribe on Apple Podcasts | Google Podcasts  | Spotify

For more episodes visit us at ManTalks.com | Facebook | Instagram | Twitter   

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Ryan Michler – What Is Masculinity And Why It Matters

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Ryan was one of the very first guests I had on the show, so this has been a long overdue conversation! As per the title, this is a simple but charged interview; we dig deep into Ryan’s take on the question “what is masculinity?”

Ryan Michler is a husband, father, Iraqi Combat Veteran, and the Founder of Order of Man. Ryan grew up without a permanent father figure and has seen first-hand how a lack of strong, ambitious, self-sufficient men has impacted society today. He believes many of the world’s most complicated problems could be solved if men everywhere learned how to be better husbands, fathers, businessmen, and community leaders.

It has now become his life’s mission to help men across the planet step more fully into their roles as protectors, providers, and presiders over themselves, their families, their businesses, and their communities. You can find him blogging and podcasting at Order of Man where he is working to help men become all they were meant to be.

Connect with Ryan

-Website: https://www.orderofman.com/

-Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ryanmichler/

-Twitter: https://twitter.com/ryanmichler

-Book: The Masculinity Manifesto: https://amzn.to/3jJcmiE

-Book: Sovereignty: https://amzn.to/3G6zwqQ

Did you enjoy the podcast? If so, please leave us a review on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or Podchaser. It helps us get into the ears of new listeners, expand the ManTalks Community, and help others find the self-leadership they’re looking for.

Are you looking to find purpose, navigate transition, or fix your relationships, all with a powerful group of men from around the world? Check out The Alliance and join me today. 

Check out our Facebook Page or the Men’s community.

Subscribe on Apple Podcasts | Google Podcasts  | Spotify

For more episodes visit us at ManTalks.com | Facebook | Instagram | Twitter   

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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