Malina Parmar

I believe in loving like you give a shit.

I believe in being overly affectionate in public. Even if it means that those who are envious label you as ‘that couple’ or tell you to get a room.

I believe in flirting with someone you’ve been with for years.

I believe in seeking out our barriers to intimacy and working our way through them.

I believe in forgiveness, and acceptance, and our ability to move on when others have hurt us.

I believe in the healing power of listening. And empathy. And a well-timed, genuine “me too.”

I believe in apologizing when we’ve done something wrong. And taking full ownership of our part of the relationship. And embracing total responsibility for ourselves and our behaviour in our lives in general.

I believe in the sexiness of self-care, because when we take care of ourselves, we can truly be there for others.

I believe in simple dates, extravagant dates, and playful dates that spawn inside jokes that last for decades.

I believe in verbal appreciation, and lots of it.

I believe in investing in “Fuck yes!” relationships. And authentic connections. And the kind of coincidences that can only come from our twin-flame connections.

I believe in leaning in to tough conversations. And showing ourselves as we are. And letting people know when we’re hurting.

I believe in accepting ourselves today as we are, and simultaneously striving for growth at a healthy pace.

I believe in head scratches and foot rubs… nose kisses and holding hands.

I believe that people who are meant to be together will always, with time, find a way to be together.

I believe in transparency, and vulnerability, and deeply loving honesty.

I believe in relationships as a safe container for growth.

I believe in regular date nights, connecting on purpose, and romantic gestures.

I believe in nurturing the kind of love that brings you home to a more authentic version of yourself.

I believe that the people who put genuine work into themselves are the ones who end up with the kind of intimate relationships that most people only think exist in fairy tales.

I believe in long hugs and slow kisses.

I believe in loving someone who looks, smells, and feels like home.

I believe in multi-hour sexual play dates, quickies, and morning sex. Sometimes all on the same day.

I believe in saying, “Fuck you society. I’m going to have sex and I’m going to LOVE it.”

I believe in kissing your partner passionately even when they’re sick. Especially when they’re sick.

I believe in doubling down on the kind of love that expands you… develops you… bursts you wide open.

Whether you label it as intentionality, or effort, or loving on purpose, or any other phrase, it’s really all the same thing.

It all comes down to loving like you give a shit.

Putting in the work. Showing your partner that you care. Creating the love you desire through your thoughts, words, and actions on a daily basis.

Aka… loving like you give a shit.

If you’re someone who loves like they give a shit, I salute you.

The world needs more of you.

 –

If you enjoyed this article, you’ll love reading more by Jordan Gray:

7 Things All Men Need in a Relationship

Jordan Gray is a sex and relationship coach, an author, and a blogger. He helps people around the world have the most deeply fulfilling love lives possible.
Jordan is a past speaker on the ManTalks stage and fellow resident of beautiful Vancouver.
He writes regularly at his website.
Get the ManTalks newsletter. Every week we’ll send you an email with the week’s top articles and interviews.
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Episode: 036

Persistent concussions led football player Shea Emry to retire and after he was no longer a pro-athlete, he struggled to find himself and his identity again.

 
Introduction:
Shea Emry is a former Canadian football player who played eight seasons in the CFL. When Shea experienced a serious concussion back in 2011, he struggled with depression and was left feeling unsure about who he was outside of being a pro-athlete. He has since taken the journey to rediscover who he is as a person and is a huge advocate on redefining masculinity. His mission is to break down social stereotypes on the definition of hyper-masculinity and to help support and guide young male youth.
 

Listen to it on iTunes

Listen to it on Stitcher
 

 
Key Takeaways:
Key Takeaways:
[0:55] ManTalks is moving to Toronto!
[4:15] What was Shea’s defining moment?
[5:50] Shea had an incredibly bad concussion in 2011 and has battled back and forth between retirement,
ever since.
[6:50] It was hard for Shea to walk away from sports because he identified so strongly as an athlete.
[7:30] What was it like to be a pro-athlete?
[10:25] How did Shea get into pro sports?
[12:15] Shea talks about his concussion and how he recovered from it.
[19:10] How can parents, spouse, or friends help support someone suffering from a concussion?
[21:30] Are you currently having an identity crisis? You’ll want to listen in to hear how to overcome it.
[22:45] It gets easier with time. You will find yourself again.
[23:00] What’s Shea’s purpose? To challenge hyper-masculine stereotypes.
[23:15] What does hyper-masculinity mean to Shea?
[25:35] Shea briefly talks on the three organizations he’s currently a part of and what they stand for.
[32:50] Shea wants male youth to feel comfortable with expressing themselves.
[33:45] How does Shea support the women in his life?
[34:35] There needs to be a communicative environment in order to lend a hand and support the women in a man’s life.
[35:00] Shea supports his wife by putting his phone down and listening to what she is saying.
[35:45] One of the most masculine things we can do is just be present.
[38:40] What legacy would Shea like to leave behind?
[41:35] Save the date! April 18th ManTalks will be live from Toronto.
 

 
Music Credit:
J Parlange & Latenite Automatic (jesusparlange.com – lateniteautomatic.com)
 
Tweetables:
“In any job there’s going to be a certain amount of risk, but it’s about deciding what’s actually best for you.”
“Educate yourself on the different types of rehabilitation programs out there for concussions.”
“As men, we need to let go of all these attachments that holds us back from really connecting with ourselves.”
 

Dreams suck sometimes.

They’re not always inspiring or joyous, because sometimes, you feel like your dreams are overwhelming.  You don’t feel like you’re making progress, and you barely know where to start.

The reason I know this, of course, is not because I read it in a book.  I’ve lived that frustration over and over again.

Luckily, I’ve also achieved many of my dreams.  But there are other, bigger dreams that frustrate me even now.

So I’m writing this article as a reminder for you and as a reminder for myself. There’s a path to all of your dreams, and there are 2 keys to navigating that path.

But you must remember these 2 things every day that you’re pursuing your dreams.  First, though…

First Things First…You’ve Gotta Play a Long Game

I was recently on a mastermind call with my friend Jason Connell. In typical fashion, he said something that I already “knew” but that I really needed to hear again.

He observed that all of my dreams and goals were very large and long-term. But (and this is the part I needed to hear again), he also pointed out that my mind is still wired for short-term results and rewards.

“Jeremy, you just need to slowly get your mind accustomed to playing a long game.”

I love that Jason intentionally suggested “slowly” getting my mind accustomed to the long game.  This isn’t a change that happens overnight.  And even though I’m not there, I can definitely say that I’m much better at focusing on the long game than I used to be.

Your big dreams and your long-term goals will often seem like they’re not getting any closer. This is true for building a business, becoming a best-selling author, or even finding the perfect romantic partner.

That’s why playing the long game is hard. Because it’s difficult to even tell if you’re playing the game well, much less winning at it.

But the thing is, nothing happens until you’re ready for it to happen.  And although you think it’d be nice to achieve all of your dreams immediately, you wouldn’t really value it without having gone through the trials and tribulations.

As far as I know, there is no secret to learning to play a long game, other than to continually be aware of your ultimate goals and also of your inclination to desire immediate rewards.

However, there are 2 not-so-secret keys to making any dream a reality, so long as you’re willing to play the long game.

As an aside, the above story is just one reason why mastermind groups are so useful. I’ve been running this one for 3 years, and the value I get out of it is immeasurable.

Key #1: You’ve Gotta Focus on Fundamentals

I’m a huge fan of focusing on the vital few things that make the biggest difference (also known as the 80/20 principle).

In fact, when I consult on marketing projects, my primary goal is to find 1-2 changes or tweaks that will make a quick and large difference.  It’s also the approach that works best for many other areas of life, such as losing weight or getting a date.

But when it comes to playing the long game of achieving your dreams, that approach will only get you so far.  And here’s the reason…

Without fail, achieving your long-term dreams and goals requires that you master certain fundamentals.

Anybody who is truly great at anything has mastered the basics of their art or profession.  Picasso mastered the basics of drawing before painting masterpieces.  Oprah Winfrey mastered the basics of interviewing before becoming a TV legend.

And here is perhaps the best example:

John Wooden is considered to be one of the greatest basketball coaches ever. But his coaching consisted of teaching his players the fundamentals. And he was coaching some of the best college players in the country.

Every practice, every day, Coach Wooden ran drills on the basics of basketball, such as running, ball-handling, change of direction, and free-throw shooting.

In fact, John Wooden was so obsessed with fundamentals that on the very first day of practice every year, he taught new players how to properly put on their socks and lace up their shoes.  In his words, “if there are wrinkles in your socks or your shoes aren’t tied properly, you will develop blisters. With blisters, you’ll miss practice. If you miss practice, you don’t play. And if you don’t play, we cannot win.”

It’s tempting to focus on new or unique approaches.  In fact, when I write articles, I often catch myself trying to craft a unique and fascinating topic or perspective.

But more often than not, the desire for newness and uniqueness is rooted in vanity and ego.  Being new and unique aren’t bad, of course – in fact, they’re often very good.  Still, it’s the fundamentals that truly matter for the long game of your dreams and goals.

Here’s what this means for you…

You must identify the fundamental skills required to achieve your dreams.  And then you must build those skills on a regular (hopefully daily) basis.  You can do this through study and coaching, but mostly, you’ll need to practice.

If you want to be a great entrepreneur, you’ll likely need to master marketing, management, and/or skills specific to your industry.

If you want to be a great writer, you’ll need to master basics like storytelling, clarity, and editing.

If you want to be incredibly fit, then you’ll need to master eating well, working out, and sleeping.

There are always hacks and tricks along the way, but they’ll only get you so far. And if you don’t master the fundamentals first, many of the hacks and tricks won’t help you at all.

Another interesting fact – Joseph Juran, who was primarily responsible for coming up with the 80/20 principle (partially based on Wilfredo Pareto’s work) lived to be 103 years old.  He clearly figured out the 80/20 of living a long time.

Key #2: You’ve Gotta Do the Work

Yeah…you know this already.

But knowing it isn’t the same as “knowing” it.  Because once you really know it, you stop looking for advice on how to get there.

Don’t get me wrong.  I’m glad you’re reading my article.  It makes me feel good. And I truly hope it helps you achieve at least some of your dream goals.

But if – deep down – you fully accepted the work you’ll need to do to achieve those dreams, you probably wouldn’t be reading this article.  You would be working.

I barely need to give you examples of why this is so important…

Alex Haley, the author of Roots, wrote every day for 8 straight years before getting published.  Colonel Sanders was 62 years old when he franchised his first KFC, some 22 years after he first started serving the chicken at a gas station.

I’m not lecturing you by any means on this point.  For many of my own dreams, I’ve deferred the work. I’m an above-average speaker, but I’ve put off most of the work to become great and to start generating more opportunities.

Sometimes, it’s because you don’t want the dream as much as you think you do. But other times, it’s because you simply haven’t made the commitment and gained momentum.

Momentum is enormously important when it comes to motivation, confidence, and, ultimately, success.  And to gain momentum, there’s only one solution. Just do it.

If you haven’t seen this speech before, I highly encourage you to watch it until the end:

Art Williams is a billionaire and great speaker because he’s done the work – whatever work has been necessary.

It’s not hard to figure out the work you need to do to achieve your dreams.  It starts with the fundamentals, and then it’s everything else that comes up.  It really is that simple.

But apart from these 2 keys, there’s one final point…

You’ve Gotta Forget Everything Else

All of my biggest successes – both in business and personally – have come when I’ve been slightly obsessed.

The businesses I’ve built, my ability to dramatically change my body, and even my successes in music and dance – they all came because I was obsessed with doing the work and mastering the fundamentals.  And at those times in my life, pretty much nothing else mattered to me.

So if your dreams are big, then it’s likely that they’ll require a lot of focus from you.  That’s a choice you need to make or not. 

And it is a choice, because there’s a price to pay.

Everybody thinks they want to be Steve Jobs or Elon Musk, but I truly believe that very few people would actually enjoy their lives.  And that’s not meant to denigrate their own choices – just that most folks probably wouldn’t enjoy the path the way that they do.

Doing the work and mastering the fundamentals aren’t things you do on the weekend or when you feel like it.  They’re a way of life.

And the question that you ultimately must answer is if that’s a way of life that you love.

More Articles by Jeremy Hendon:

How Playing Board Games Will Help You Earn More Money and Have More Sex

How to Actually Stop Procrastinating in 5 Simple Steps

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Jeremy is an entrepreneur, speaker, and author who helps folks live the good life, – from to building businesses, to planning amazing adventures, to finding the world’s best food.

If you’d like to learn more, please check out JeremyHendon.com or subscribe to Live a Life You Love.

 
 
Get the ManTalks newsletter. Every week we’ll send you an email with the week’s top articles and interviews.

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“What the hell have I done?”
This was the thought in my head on the first day of my new life. I was sitting in a canoe.
I had just quit an advertising career that started in Europe and continued to Canada.
I’d spent 4 years at university preparing for this career. It was what I thought I wanted to do and who I wanted to be. It was how I was going to become a success (that exciting AND terrifying word).
I had landed a job with one of the largest ad agencies in the world. I was doing TV shoots, working on big money projects, and going from London to Paris for lunch.
I was supposed to be happy, but something was missing.
I wasn’t fulfilled.
It was the most heart-wrenching decision of my life, but I eventually worked up the courage to leave that career, follow my dreams, and was now leading canoe trips for Outward Bound.
I loved it but kept asking myself, “How can this be a job?”
Instead of sitting at a desk I was sitting in a canoe. Instead of a keyboard and mouse I had a screwdriver (I was fixing the seat, which I wasn’t totally sure how to do).
How could this be a career?!
Were my city friends right? Was I nuts to leave a high-paying corporate job to do THIS?
Uncertainty flooded my mind, “Oh crap, is this what I really want? What if this doesn’t work? Am I too old to make this kind of change? Why didn’t I just keep playing it safe? Do people think I’m stupid for doing this?”
But most of all I thought, “What if I fail?!”
It’s a terrifying feeling when you realize that your current reality (career, spouse, friends, hobbies…) no longer accurately matches who you are and what you want.
At that moment you realize you need to make changes if you’re going to be happy, but it may also feel like you screwed something up.
I’ve coached thousands of people to find the courage to be themselves.
Being yourself.
It sounds simple, but there are many reasons why it’s difficult.
Mostly because we worry so much what other people will think of us, and if you grew up like I did, “success” meant getting an office job, working your way up, and making more and more money.
These days I’m no longer doing what the world says I should do. I’m doing what I want to do and I’m putting my unique dent in the universe.
I want the same thing for you.

Bridging the Gap

The first step to this kind of change is awareness.
So, let’s take a look at your life. Make a list of the different areas, such as Work, Romance, Fun, Friends, Family… whatever is important to you.
Now, give each of those items a number between 1 and 10.
10 means that area of your life feels perfect right now. 1 means it’s not good at all, and a change is needed.
Now, for the area with the lowest number, think of an action you could take to improve it. Answer the following questions:
What needs to change?
What do you need to do differently?
A year from now, what will you wish you had started today?
Maybe you gave Family a 4 because you haven’t seen them as much lately, or the last time you were with them you had an argument. How could you improve that? Maybe reach out to them, plan to get together, clear up something that you regret saying Would that bump it up to a 6 or 7?
Someone once said, “The truth is like surgery – it hurts but it cures.” The numbers you just gave the different areas of your life may reveal a truth you’ve been trying to avoid.
Courage is being scared and doing it anyway because of a bigger want.
Your bigger want is tied to those areas in your life with the low numbers. You want those to be higher. Then you’ll be happier, perform like a f$%ing rockstar, and put your unique dent in the universe.
Do the exercise now to know your truth.
Then have the courage to be 100% you, every darn day.

Billy Anderson is the founder of The Courage Crusade, teaching the discipline of overcoming fear so you can have the courage to be yourself.
He is a speaker, coach and author of “Your Comfort Zone Is Killing You.” He also writes for the Careers section in The Globe & Mail.         
Billy has been an advertising manager in Europe and Canada, a fundraising executive for UNICEF, an apple picker in New Zealand and a sugar cane farmer in Costa Rica.
He has traveled to over 35 countries, including running with the bulls in Spain, swimming with sharks in South America and building a school on a tiny island near Fiji. He has jumped out of an airplane exactly 101 times.  His personal philanthropy projects include carrying a canoe 42 kms in two days, as well as walking over 200 kms in the middle of winter to send kids with cancer to summer camp.
And he’s scared of the exact same things you are: failure, looking stupid, and not being liked.
Sign up to the ManTalks newsletter and every week you’ll receive an email with the week’s top articles and interviews.
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Episode: 035

What are some of the skills you should know to keep safe and be a badass? Listen in for more.

 

Introduction:
Clint Emerson is a retired Navy SEAL and the author of 100 Deadly Skills. In his book, Clint shares how you can be an overall badass and detect threats from people who are armed. You will learn how to escape a locked trunk, evade a kidnapping, and so much more in Clint’s book. Clint talks on what must-have items you should keep in your car at all times and how to detect someone trying to follow or stalk you, in today’s show.

 

Listen to it on iTunes

Listen to it on Stitcher

 

 

Key Takeaways:
[2:55] Clint shares one of the more intense stories he has experienced while he was a navy SEAL.
[6:45] Why did Clint want to be a SEAL?
[8:45] What kind of tests did Clint have to go through?
[17:35] What is the 100 Deadly Skills book about?
[20:35] You can put a razor in the sole of your shoes and use it to get out of some handcuffs.
[21:55] Key things to look out for in a bad guy?
[25:35] What are some of the key things for infiltration?
[31:35] What should people carry in their vehicle?
[33:15] How do you build your own compass?
[39:20] What were some of the things Clint had to do during his initiation into the SEALs?
[41:40] What should you know about surveillance?
[43:10] Clint talks about night vision.
[44:55] In order to pick a lock, you need to understand how a lock works.
[48:20] What’s life like after the Navy SEALs?
[50:30] What are some of the biggest challenges Clint has faced now that he is out?
[53:35] What legacy would Clint like to leave behind?
[54:50] Clint is working on book number two, so look out for that in the future.

 

 
Music Credit:
J Parlange & Latenite Automatic (jesusparlange.com – lateniteautomatic.com)
Tweetables:
“You can go three days without water and 30 days without food.”

“It’s important to know when you’re being stalked or followed, especially for females.”

“White men between their 20s and 30s tend to be the nut jobs/stalker/rapists when you look at the statistics.”

 

I want to tell you that dedicating my birthday to helping the homeless was a deeply satisfying experience, and that I know I’m a good person.
But that would be a lie.
The reality? It was a complicated experience, one that reminded me of the sheer beauty and the sheer darkness found within all people.
It was my 30^th birthday. Normally I’d pick a restaurant, invite my friends, and pretend to put up a fight when they picked up the tab. In the moment, it feels great to be surrounded by people who are spending their time and money on me. But I’ve had enough experiences like that to know that the satisfaction is fleeting. More of a sugar-high than anything else.
Looking back, my 20s were about exploration. I want my 30s to be more about supporting other people. I want to be an obvious force for good and a source of love.
So for my 30th, I asked my friends to join me in doing something unusual. On the morning of my birthday we met at my place and spent an hour making healthy, filling lunches and writing notes for hungry people on the street.
After that we wandered around Denver for three hours passing out food. I was surprised by a lot of what happened that afternoon.

Here’s What Stood Out

1) Want to be selfless? Start by being selfish. I wrote about my plans for my birthday on Facebook (more on that in a moment). A friend sent me a message saying that she admired how selfless I was being. While I appreciate the sentiment, she misread the situation. I was actually being selfish.
Going into it, I suspected that helping other people would provide a deeper sense of satisfaction than a $30 wood plank salmon.
I was right. Helping others was more satisfying than a dinner out. I benefitted.
And I was also being strategic. Much of my 20s were spent traveling the world and building my business. Through it all, I learned that relationships are a greater sources of happiness and meaning than work and adventure. Part of the reason I chose to spend my birthday serving others is because I believe that the more I give to the world, the more the world will give to me.
So it’s tempting to position myself as a do-gooder, but I’m not. I’m selfish. I’ve just figured out that helping other people provides more happiness and satisfaction than low-grade pleasure.
2) Maslow may have gotten it wrong. The most impactful moment of the day came when we met Spike and offered him some food. At first, Spike seemed confused that anyone cared about him and his needs. He told us that he had been living on the street for 20 years.
He asked what we were doing. When we explained that we were trying to improve a few people’s day, he teared up and asked what he could do for us. He offered us cigarettes and the few trinkets he had.
If Maslow is correct, the food should have meant more to Spike than the connection. And while there is an upper limit to how long a human can go without food, I suspect the pain of being ignored by almost everyone is greater than the pain of being hungry (which is the result of being ignored anyways).
My experience with Spike was a sharp reminder of an obvious truth: what we all crave is connection, love, and a quiet sense of mattering outside of ourselves.
Disclosure: I do not know with 100% certainty that Spike teared up when we spent time with him. He was wearing sunglasses. While most of the people involved believed he teared up one person thought that he was just confused and that we misread the situation.
3) Rogue rebels do not solve systemic problems. Homelessness is a complicated problem. It’s symptomatic of problems at the political and economic levels of our culture, and exacerbated by marketing, health care, and the mental illnesses of the affluent who chronically hoard far more than they give.
All of my heart wishes that there were simple solutions to obvious injustices like homelessness. But there aren’t. Ending homelessness requires massive audacity, time, compassion, strategy, luck, and the courage to be hated for doing what’s clearly right.
Phrased more bluntly, truly helping the least fortunate among us takes balls. Even more than balls, it takes a fucking heart that’s alive and well and unafraid. Those are rare these days….
Does it help to give back in the ways that you can? Yes, absolutely. I fault people who don’t. But unfortunately, my friends and I spending a day doing what feels right, probably did not make any enduring impact on anyone’s life (except perhaps our own).
To truly tackle systemic problems, you need to change the system. While you are busy changing the system, it’s still important to provide direct service, as a sort of triage before and during the operation.
4) The mere act of giving back is not intrinsically satisfying. This is what surprised me the most. I expected to end the day feeling deeply satisfied, maybe even proud of myself.
In reality, I felt a combination of tired, content, stressed and frustrated. I was much happier than I would have been if I did the whole dinner thing, but that feeling of, “Holy shit Jason, you’re a good guy!” that never came.
Instead I was reminded of a quiet truth about giving back: it’s most meaningful when you give your gift to the world as fully as possible. Anything less is still good, but not as satisfying.
Personally, I have the time, money, and experience to do far more than pass out lunches. So do you. I wasn’t even brushing against my potential for impact. I suspect that if I were truly sharing my gift with the world that I would feel that deep sense of satisfaction. Right now I’m working towards giving more of my gift and myself to the world. This project was a solid first step.
5) Talking about taking action is common. Taking action is rare. Taking action and telling the world is power.
Earlier, I mentioned that I wrote a post on Facebook about this project. Because of that post, friends from around the world wrote to say that they were going to do something similar with their birthday. One said she was going to do something similar with her bachelorette party.
During the event itself, seven people spent a few hours passing out lunches to nearly 30 people. That’s pretty good. After the event, over a dozen people had committed to doing something similar.
My personal impact: 30 meals, give or take.
The impact of the ripple effect that came from sharing my truth: several hundred meals.
If my friends share their experience, they’ll activate some of their friends, and our collective impact will be thousands of meals.
That’s pretty cool.
Oh, and in case it’s not obvious: one of the big reasons I’ve written this article is because I want you to steal this idea. If you do, I’d love to hear about it.
6) People are afraid to confront reality. I mentioned that seven people were involved with this project. That’s pretty cool and I’m grateful for everyone who came. However, if I had a normal birthday party, or asked people to volunteer with me at an animal shelter, more people would have come.
Homelessness is a painful issue. When you talk to a homeless person, you’re forced to confront a lot about yourself that you’re probably not comfortable with. To name a few:

• You could do more to help if you really wanted to, but you choose not to
• You are willing to ignore another human who is clearly suffering and in pain
• The problems in your life aren’t nearly as dramatic as they seem
• Addiction, abuse, gentrification, mental illness, etc are extremely real, extremely important, and extremely difficult to solve

And I get that. Each time I make eye contact with a homeless person, decline their request to buy them a hot meal, or lie about not having any spare change I confront all of that in myself.
But here’s the thing: it’s important to confront the parts of yourself you’d rather avoid. Failing to confront the uglier parts of your truth, is a lazy form of lying about who you are. Lying closes you off to love and happiness. Honesty opens you up and increases your power. Even though it can be unpleasant, it’s far better to dwell in reality.
Ultimately, I was reminded of what the world really needs…
This experience reminded me of what the world really needs, which is quite simple. It needs you.
Sometimes you can give a few bucks or a lunch to someone less fortunate. Awesome.
Sometimes you’ll hop on a jet to comfort a mourning friend, or provide direct service. Awesome.
Sometimes you’ll give your deepest gift as vulnerably, honestly, and passionately as you can. Awesome.
Sometimes, you’ll be working to keep your head above water and you wont be able to give anything to anyone else. Awesome. The more you serve yourself, the more you’ll be equipped to serve others.
The trick is to start where you are. For me, that was giving food to the homeless. As small actions become a bit easier, I’ll scale up. I hope you do too. Keep nudging yourself outside of your comfort zone. As you do this, the world will become a better place because of you.
For more on giving, check out our recent interview with social entrepreneur Mark Brand on the podcast.
And check out Jason’s previous article on our blog, “Finding Your Deep Gifts in a Shallow World.”
Jason Connell is a speaker and writer who teaches confidence, self-love, and self-compassion. He’s worked with everyone from Senior members of the Obama administration and professional athletes to middle school students and emerging entrepreneurs. He shares his thoughts on life, authenticity, and power at: JasonConnell.co.
Like what you saw? Subscribe to the ManTalks podcast on iTunes or Stitcher, and join our private Facebook Community for conversations that matter. Facebook not your thing? Sign up to the ManTalks newsletter. Every week we’ll send you an email with the best articles and interviews we published that week.
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Episode: 034

Oren Klaff talks on how you can get the advantage in any negotiation situation.

 
Introduction:
Oren Klaff has raised over $400 million of investor capital from high net-worth individuals and financial institutions. He is also the author of Pitch Anything, and he teaches others on how they can get the competitive edge in any negotiation scenario. Oren talks about how you can frame a negotiation to your advantage and how to get a buyer’s interest in 150 words or less.
 

Listen to it on iTunes

Listen to it on Stitcher
 

 
Key Takeaways:
[2:20] What was Oren’s defining moment as a man?
[3:30] How did Oren discover that monogamy was what he wanted?
[5:05] What does Oren do?
[6:20] What’s Oren’s book, Pitch Anything, about?
[7:40] The strength of your status and quality of your presentation = the amount of attention you get.
[8:30] Nobody is going to listen to you for 3 hours. People are busy.
[8:50] Pitch Anything is about how to raise your status so people will pay attention to you.
[11:00] The human mind is built to protect you in social situations.
[11:35] It’s natural to act nice in high-risk situations to lower tensions, but it hurts you in negotiations.
[13:00] It can only go two ways. Either you’re superior or the buyer is superior in terms of status.
[13:15] Most buyers assume they’re superior due to them holding the money.
[13:40] Reframe the meeting so that the buyer has to earn your attention.
[15:25] Trying to get a raise at your job? Listen to Oren’s advice here.
[17:40] How do you sell the story?
[20:55] NPR knows how to tell a story, Fox News doesn’t.
[24:10] Oren shares two of his 150 word pitches.
[29:35] Look out for Oren’s second book coming out soon.
[31:45] What legacy would Oren like to leave behind?
 

Music Credit:
J Parlange & Latenite Automatic (jesusparlange.com – lateniteautomatic.com)
 
Quotes:
“Your strength of your status and quality of your presentation = the amount of attention you get.”
“The buyer is the commodity, not you. Money is the commodity, not you. The buyer has to earn your
attention.”
“If you do something of value that will stand the sands of time, that’s a good legacy.”
 

Geeks who play lots of games are the richest, sexiest people on the planet.  The internet doesn’t lie, after all…
But maybe you didn’t just fall off the turnip truck, and you don’t believe me.
As it turns out, you don’t need to be a geek to play games.  For the past 6 years, the board game industry has grown between 15-40%.  That’s huge growth, and it’s not just basement-dwelling teenagers.

Still, why should you play board games?  In fact, why should you play anything at all?
In this article, I’ll show you exactly why you should jump on the board game bandwagon. I’ll also show you how play makes you smarter, more successful, and more sexually appealing.

One Day on a Mountain in Thailand

A few weeks ago, I spent a day on a mountain in Thailand.
It was National Children’s Day (the best holiday ever). The purpose is for children to have fun and to emphasize their importance for the country. Amazing, right?
Some friends and I visited a celebration that a local hill tribe was holding.  We donated a bunch of toys, food, clothes, and school supplies, and we had a blast.
But the most interesting part of the experience was the games that the locals played. In particular, many locals would stand across from each other and throw a small ball back and forth.
That’s it.  That’s all there was to that particular game.
And this game wasn’t something they played just on Children’s Day. This is one of many games that they play all the time.
It sounds silly and simple, but that’s the point. Play is a simple but integral part of the day-to-day life of this village. And I assure you that they were having at least as much fun as I was.
(To answer the obvious question: yes, I jumped in and played as well.)
That day was yet another reminder that play still isn’t as big a part of my life as I would like. And whether you believe it or not, that’s a big problem…

Not Playing is a Terrible, Tragic, Horrific Fate…

You know that you miss playing.
I talk to a lot of people about this. And when I bring up the topic of play, almost everybody starts remembering times they used to play as a kid. Maybe it was a sport, a game, or just make-believe.
But this is about more than just longing for some part of your childhood.
Over the past 50 years in the US, “play time” has decreased by huge amounts. Some studies estimate that play time for both kids and adults has decreased by up to 71%.
And here’s the thing…
Not playing enough (even as an adult) can be enormously detrimental for every aspect of your life.
The problem is that you view play as yet another thing you should be doing.  You already meditate, workout, and drink your greens every day. So who am I to tell you to do more?
Fine…don’t listen to me.  Keep working more and playing less.  Lots of people don’t play.
In fact, 90% of homicidal prison inmates that Stuart Brown studied had too little play in their lives.  I’m not suggesting that you’ll become a murderer if you don’t play enough.  But you’re not keeping the best company.
Play deprivation – particularly among children – has been linked to severe emotional dysregulation. That includes depression, diminished self-regulation, increased addiction, agressiveness, shallow relationships, and more.
In other words, play is far more important than you likely imagine. It’s a necessary form of stress relief.  And perhaps most importantly, play teaches you how to interact with an uncertain world.
Not getting enough play hurts your career/business, your relationships, and your emotional well-being. If you do get lots of play, though, it’s a different story…

Play is Amazing for Almost Every Area of Your Life

Here are just a few of the benefits that you get from playing:

• Play helps you train for unexpected situations. This is a huge benefit. Dealing well with uncertainty is critical for being a better entrepreneur, father, or person.  You’ll get less frazzled, less stressed, and will make better decisions.One study found that when rats play-fight, they often stand on top of one another.  In a real fight, that would be incredibly dumb, because it’s easier to get thrown off balance.  But in a play fight, it teaches them to deal better with unexpected situations.Dealing better with the unexpected also helps you develop presence and mindfulness. And from my perspective, there’s almost nothing more important.
• When you play as an adult, it helps calm social discord and reduce stress. In other words, you relieve your own stress while also improving relationships.  This applies to your family, your work environment, and anywhere else in your life.In fact, it also applies to strangers.  If you play with strangers, it’s a quick way to test out and establish social relationships. In other words, you get to know and bond with them more quickly.  Try it on your next date or business meeting.
• On a related note, play builds unity, friendship and related skills. This has been the case for humans for millions of years. Dominance and combat are one way for humans to interact.  The alternative is not peace, but rather play.
• Play will make you more successful. Several studies have found that play is crucial for sharpening the physical, cognitive, and emotional skills required for success in society.
• Play makes you more sexually attractive. This is particularly true for men. Many of the traits that women find most attractive are developed and displayed through play.  This includes having a good sense of humor, being fun-loving, and being non-threatening.
• Play helps you at work.  If you run a company or hire or manage employees, this is particulalry relevant.  Play has been shown to consistently lead to better attitudes and more persistance at work. Also, play almost always improves creativity.

That’s the short list. If you need more convincing, check out Stuart Brown or watch this TED Talk he gave back in 2008:
[ted id=483]

So What is Play?  You Kind of Like Your Job, After All…

If you think that play could mean almost anything, then you’re right. Partially.
There are no bright lines about which activies are or are not play. But for something to be play, it does need to have certain characteristics:

1. Play Must Be Self-Chosen and Self-Directed.  This means that you don’t feel obligated to do it, and you can quit at any time.  So even if you enjoy your job, it probably doesn’t fit this definition.Even if you just feel like you should do something, it can stop being play. Maybe you used to love playing golf. But once you start feeling like you should play so you can network better, then it’s no longer play. Everything changes when you feel that obligation.
2. Play Must Be Intrinsically Motivated.  You’ve gotta value the means more than the ends.  Remember when you played pickup baseball as a kid?  It’s like that.  You wanted to win for sure, but not if it meant your friends would never play with you again.As an aside, this quality of play is what will help you develop more presence. It’s all about being in the moment rather than seeking out the reward.If you’ve ever had a hobby that you started getting paid for, then you know how rewards can ruin play. Once you start focusing on what you get out of an activity, it ceases to be play.For instance, I used to love playing poker.  But at some point, it became more about winning moeny for me than playing the game. I still enjoy playing once in a while, but it’s just not the same anymore.
3. Play Must Be Guided by Rules, but Must Leave Room for Creativity. In other words, sitting on your sofa watching TV is not play.  There are no rules to it.
4. Play Must Be Imaginative & Creative. The activity must be creative in some way or another.  To be fair, this couldapply to almost any activity, including filing your taxes.
5. You Must Be Be Alert and Active During Play, But Also Non-Stressed. This is another way that play helps to develop presence and mindfulness. Because you aren’t focused on a result or future goal, you are in the present moment.

Those are the five primary aspects of play, but it’s not something you need to remember at all. You know whether you’re playing or not.
If you’re doing something because you need to do it or because you should do it, then it’s not play. Likewise, if you feel like you can’t stop or like it’s not creative and fun, then it’s not play.
And all of that brings us to this…

Why Play Board Games?

Any type of play is great. So if board games are not be your thing, then find something else.
But give board games a chance. They offer unique advantages even over many other types of play.
And as I’ll explain below, the board games I’m talking about are not the games you played when you were a kid. These games are more strategic, more complex, and more fun.
Here are 6 big reasons board games are a great form of play:

1. Board Games are Live and In-Person. I can’t stress enough how important this is. Video games are great, and a lot more research is showing many benefits of video games.But you also need to be with other people.  Being in the presence of other people does two big things. First, it teaches you to live more present in the moment. Live humans force you to react to physical cues, conversations, and more. When you combine that with a competitive board game, it’s hard to be distant or aloof.Second, playing live board games sharpens your awareness and social skills. When you play games with other live people, you’ve got to assimilate and process a lot of data. That teaches you to be adaptable, resilient, and observant.
2. Board Games are Inexpensive and Easy to Learn. Some games are getting more expensive, but in general, they won’t break the bank.In addition, you can start playing at any age. This is different than many sports, which are often hard to compete in if you haven’t played from an early age.
3. Board Games are Strategic and Tactical. This is true of most games but not of all play. Reid Hoffman, the founder of LinkedIn, is a huge board game fan. He loves board games because he knows that they’ve helped him become a better strategist and tactician.  That, he argues, is a large part of his entrepreneurial success.
4. Board Games are Diverse and Varied. We live in a golden age of board games. What that means for you is that you can find dozens or hundreds of games that you will love.I’ll show you below how to get started, but rest assured that you won’t run out of options in the next 50 years.
5. Board Games are Generally Not Addictive. Even for someone who lovesboard games, it’s hard to get addicted. First, you always need other live players. That’s just not possible all the time. Also, there’s no video or graphic interface that deludes you with information. I’m not bashing video games – I’m a big fan. But it’s nice to not feel compelled to play.
6. Board Games are Much More Fun Than You Think. Most people think of Candyland, Risk, and Monopoly when they think of board games.  There’s nothing wrong with those games, but they’re not what I’m talking about.

Board games are over 5,000 years old, when humans first invented dice. And yet, in the past 50 years, more and better board games have been created than in the previous million years.
Here’s how to get started…

How to Get Started Playing More Board Games

How you get started will depend on your situation. For instance, it’s going to be super-easy as a student. If you work 90 hours a week, it will be a little tougher.
Regardless, here are my suggestions:

• Find a local gaming group. In every major and semi-major town, you’ll find a gaming group. Often, it’s easiest to find them on Meetup.com.Finding a gaming group is great because you know for sure that there are people who already want to play. More than that, they likely have games already and can teach you how to play.This is definitely the way to get started, and you’ll likely make new friends. If you don’t like the people, though, don’t give up on the games…
• Start with these games. If you browse BoardGameGeek.com, you’ll see reviews for thousands of games. I’ll list my favorites below, but they aren’t the ones you should start with.Especially if you don’t have someone teaching you, you should start with easy games.  My suggestion is to start with one of the following games.  They’re easy to learn and don’t take too much time.
  • Settlers of Catan.  (Or Startups of Silicon Valley if you happen to be in Silicon Valley.)
  • Carcassone.
  • Ticket to Ride Europe.
• Let Go. If you’ve made it this far, then you just read over 2,000 words on why play and board games are great.It’s all true, but I also encourage you to forget it when you start playing. Whether you’re playing board games or anything else, the point is still to play. Not to try to get something out of it. So, as cliche as it might sound, just have fun.One other point… You likely won’t fully understand most of these games on your first play. If you’re playing with experienced players, you almost certainly won’t win. It doesn’t matter. I’m as competitive as anyone I know, so I understand the compulsion. But this is a golden opportunity to acknowledge and then release that compulsion.

Whatever You Do, Don’t Stop Playing

Please, find ways to play almost every day. It will change your life. (If you have kids or pets, this should be extra-easy.) It takes a bit of commitment to letting go more often, but the rewards are immense.
If you do this, you’ll find that you have more enthusiasm and energy for everything else in your life. You’ll have more fun, but you’ll also be more productive and more successful.
There are plenty of times in my life when I don’t take my own advice. And I always find that I get tired and burnt out much more quickly. It’s a lesson that’s easy to forget and hard to explain.
If you’re ready to get started, play the games I suggested above. If, though, you’re ready to take it a bit further, here’s a list of my current favorite games:

• Puerto Rico
• 7 Wonders
• Star Wars: Imperial Assault
• Through the Ages
• Agricola

How About You?

Do you play enough? Let me know in the comments below what your favorite types of play are.  And if you’re a board game geek like me, what are your favorite games?
Jeremy Hendon has founded a few businesses, sold one of them, and calls himself an author and speaker. Mostly, he tries to help folks live a life they love. You can check him out at JeremyHendon.com, on Snapchat (@JMHendon), or on Twitter/Periscope (@JMHendon).
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