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WTF Is Holding Space? (A Man’s Guide)

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“I need you to hold space for me.”
These words get tossed around A LOT in modern relationships, but most people have no clue what it is or how to do it.
In a workshop I led recently, the concept of ‘holding space’ came up.
I asked how many people had heard of this concept and the entire audience raised their hand.
Then I asked how many could define it or effectively knew how to do it…
Crickets. Only 2 hands raised.
One of the men spoke up and said “my wife asks me to do this all the time, but I haven’t got a clue what it means or how to do it. I assumed it just meant shut up and listen, but that doesn’t seem to work either. She often says i don’t understand her, that I’m always trying to fix her or that I’m cold and emotionless.”
“Same here” “Me too,” said a few of the guys in the room.
Then, I asked the women in the room what the impact or result would be if their partner could hold space for them properly.
“I’d finally feel heard.”
“I’d feel like he understood me!”
“I’d feel more emotionally connected which would make me more connected at an intimate level.”
“I would feel like he was compassionate and empathetic.”
“When my partner has been able to hold space for me, I’m always more open to physical connection afterward.”
Clearly, this was an important topic men needed and wanted to understand.
First, let’s agree on what holding space is NOT.

Holding space is not:

  • Just Listening
  • Trying to fix, solve or provide alternative points of views for your partner
  • Disconnecting or diminishing your partner’s emotional experience
  • A one-way conversation
  • Being disconnected from your own experience.

I asked the men to share their past experiences of trying to hold space to really drive home the point.
One man summed it up by saying “I feel like I’ve tried everything. I’ve tried being completely silent and listening, I’ve tried fixing the problem, offering suggestions and I’ve even tried just agreeing with everything she’s said. Nothing seems to work and I’m almost ready to give up.”
So what IS holding space?
Here’s my definition:

“Holding space is the process of witnessing someone else’s emotional state while simultaneously being present to your own.”

This means the person holding space has double duty.
If you are the person holding space, you need to be tuned into your own judgments, emotions, desired outcomes and opinions all while understanding what’s happening for the other person.
Holding space goes beyond listening because it requires us to hear the other person, have empathy and not make the situation about us by trying to ‘give insight’ fix or ‘offer advice.’
Think of it this way; when you hold space, you are creating a container for the other person’s emotions to come up, be seen without the interference of your own and be released.
Holding space it’s like creating a metaphorical bucket for someone to emotionally and verbally vomit into.
Sounds classy, right?
Holding space doesn’t mean you remove or avoid your own emotions and it doesn’t mean you get sucked into their emotional state because then you’ll both need a bucket.
But how do we effectively hold space? How do we create this bucket? Knowing what something is and knowing how to do it are two very different things.

The 3 things you need to know about holding space:

1. Awareness Is Crucial. 

Your emotions, thoughts, and opinions are going to get in the way.
If you want to ‘build the bucket,’ or really hold space, you’ll need to master the art of noticing your own internal processes while observing theirs.
Being able to see what you think and feel is essential. It’s what all really exceptional listeners, leaders, and therapists do.
They hear what you say, feel what you’re feeling all while noticing (without judgment or attachment) what their own thoughts and feelings are about the situation.
Without this awareness, you will fall into the trap of trying to effect an outcome based on your own desires or opinions.
The outcome of holding space is not decided by something you’ve done, it’s determined by something you’ve created. 
Awareness is so crucial because as human beings we are easily influenced by other’s emotional states. Think about someone who is quick to anger. When you’re around them, it’s much easier to become frustrated, annoyed and angry than normal. Why? Because of transference and emotional mirroring. Put simply, if not aware, you take on the emotions of others.
The point here is that you need to be equally aware of your own thoughts and emotions as you are of the person you’re hiding space for. The goal is not to be empty or devoid of emotions, the goal is simply to be aware so you don’t react from those emotions.
Oh, and put your damn technology away. You’re not holding space properly with your phone out, email open or TV on. Be Present.

2. It’s Not About You.

As much as you will feel the need to fix, solve, be right or ‘of service,’ the best thing you can do is realize that the whole conversation and point of holding space is to make the conversation about their experience and not about yours.
Notice how when you’re trying to fix or solve a problem, it’s more about your own validation than your partners. If you want real validation, use the law of reciprocity: give that which you want to get.
Here are a few things that help create the bucket and shift the focus onto them:

  • Give them permission to share, permission to trust their instincts/intuition and trust their internal wisdom.
  • Create the space for them to make decisions or take actions that might be different than your own.

3. Validation, validation, val-i-da-tion

Let’s make one thing clear, you don’t need to agree with them to validate them.
The biggest trap people fall into when holding space is that they are looking for evidence to AGREE with before they feel like they can give validation.
When this happens, validation of any form is a challenge because the person holding space is trying to understand the situation and emotions associated with it based on their own view of reality.
In general, the masculine will struggle with this. The masculine will want to understand someone logically before validating their partner’s emotional experience. (Notice, I’m not saying MEN, but the masculine. More logical, analytical women can get caught in this trap too.)
There are two important things about validation:
The other person needs to feel understood. This means you have to take a different view point, put yourself in their reality for a minute and understand why they are thinking and feeling that way.
And…
Reflecting back their thoughts/feelings is the best way to do this. (remember, you don’t need to agree, simply understand).
Really listen for the core of the issue they are having. Mirror back what they say the issue is and take the time to validate their emotions. You’d be surprised how many people are simply looking to be understood and be told that they aren’t crazy (like they’ve been telling themselves in their head).
Finally, trust them.
Trust that they can handle their shit.
Trust them to navigate their emotional turmoil, solve their problems and trust in their ability to find what they need.
And remember – the bigger the problem, the bigger the bucket, the longer you’ll need to hold it.

Man Of The Week – Chris Unwin

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Our newest Man Of The Week is a Man who believes in the power of connection, community and creativity. More important though is the role these factors play in positively impacting our media, culture and mannerisms as a society. Chris Unwin is the Founder and Executive Director of ‘Free’, a creative studio that promotes collaboration with artists so brands can connect with millennial consumers in person, and across the social web. Chris is a founding member of two national media brand launches- MTV Canada and Dose Magazine. His unique and versatile approach to brand management is illustrated through his work with partners such as Apple, Bell, Microsoft, Nokia, RIM, Rogers, Sony, Virgin Mobile, and all major record labels, to name just a few big brands.

What may seem like a regular agency, Chris has formulated a secret recipe that promotes collaboration between brands hoping to communicate an emotion/story, creative artists who have the experience, but may lack the platform, to produce engaging content that inspires millennials. His work has given previously-unknown artists the space to showcase their talents and blossom into leading figureheads in the community who help shape our everyday culture. Chances are you’ve come into contact with branding that Chris was directly, or indirectly, involved in without really knowing the story behind the man. Check out his story below!

Age – 34

What do you do? (Work)
Founder and Executive Director of Free, and our community-powered channel, The Creator Class.

Why do you do it?
Because I believe in the power of community, creativity and entrepreneurship and that, when given the chance, our generation can positively impact our media and culture.

How do you make a difference in the world? (Work, business, life, family, self)
Ultimately, I see myself as building “sandboxes” – spaces and moments in time that are opportunities for people I value to come together, share experiences, and create together. Though so much of my focus is currently applied to work, I intend to extend such a strategy to my friendships and family.

What are 3 defining moments in your life?
1. Leaving Vancouver in favour of a media/music career in Toronto.
2. Leaving a comfortable, established career path at MuchMusic and MTV.
3. Finding the audacity to start Free. Come to think of it, every defining moment has been borne out of discomfort.

What is your life purpose?
To pursue my passions for a living, and to empower others around me to do the same.

How did you tap into it?
By losing patience with my own complacency, and following gut instinct.

Who is your Role-Model or Mentor?
Role Models – There are a number of careers that have informed my approach such as Stephan Sagmeister, Alain De Botton Jeff Staple, Seth Godin.
Mentors – My mother, my financial advisor and coach Josh Zweig from LIVECA.

Do you have any daily habits? If so, what are they?
I try to maintain “Inbox Zero” daily – the act of clearing out all emails by the end of the day. By assigning tasks, and capturing action items in my productivity apps, I diminish the chance for things to fall through the cracks.

When do you know your work/life balance is off?
If I fail to make my bed in the morning. Failing to accomplish this simple first task of the day is the “canary in the coal mine” for my state of mind. This sentiment was once brilliantly conveyed by Admiral William McRaven.

Vulnerability is a challenge for most men – share a vulnerable moment from your life with us.
I felt like a fool the first time I practiced yoga. I was awkward, tangled, and feeling totally out of my element. However, over time I adjusted and it’s led to balance and positivity at some crucial points in my life.

What did you learn from it?
Embracing being terrible at a new activity can open doors in life.

If you are or were going to be a mentor for another man, what is one piece of advice you would give him?
Establish life priorities, and stick to them. Don’t waste time on anything else.

How do you be the best partner (Boyfriend/Husband- past or present)
Be present. See them, listen to them, feel them consciously.

Do you support any Charities or Not-for-profits? (Which one(s) and why?)
To date, we’ve been fighting to make a very pro-social for profit model succeed. Though our projects have been associated to causes idiosyncratically, we’ve yet to align to a specific charity, which I’d like to change in 2017.

If your life had a theme song, what would it be?
“Now I’m Ready” by Arcade Fire

Where do you see yourself in 3 years?
Instigating collaborations centered around creativity, entrepreneurship, and the future of work with collaborators I admire. Spending my time between Toronto, New York and Europe.

What legacy do you want to leave for future generations?
That one can create the conditions of their own freedom with creativity, intellect, and determination.

What One book would you recommend for any Man?
“Multipliers: How the Best Leaders Make Everyone Smarter” by Liz Wiseman and Greg McKeown

Man Of The Week – Michael Van Osch

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Michael Van Osch is our newest Man Of The Week! Michael coaches men on acquiring dynamic leadership skills and developing fulfilling and lasting relationships and marriages. After twenty years in sports marketing and advertising, Michael opted for a change and trained to become a professional actor, subsequently touring the one-man Broadway show “Defending The Caveman” for four years across North America. A man that wears many hats and possesses many talents, today Michael is an entrepreneur living in Atlanta with his beautiful wife Lisa and also leads the marketing and PR efforts for a local nonprofit organization. Check out the rest of Michael’s humbling and inspiring story as he follows his passion to impact and empower others around him.

Age: 50

What do you do? (Work)
Marketing Executive and I coach motivated, experienced men in leadership and relationships.

Why do you do it?
I do both because I enjoy them and they allow me to make a difference for others while using my talents. Working with men is definitely a calling and something I’ve been involved in for a long time.

How do you make a difference in the world? (Work, business, life, family, self)
My goal is to help other men live the life they’ve always wanted, which means living up to their full potential in all areas. It’s not simply a matter of confidence, it’s learning the right information that most of us either weren’t taught or have moved away from over time and as the world tries to soften us. 
What are 3 defining moments in your life? 1) Moving to the U.S. from Canada in my late twenties. 2) Meeting my incredible wife. 3) Forming a men’s group in Atlanta sixteen years ago that still meets every month.

What is your life purpose?
I believe it’s to help other men. For whatever reason, I’ve been exposed to great men and critical information in my life and it’s my purpose to pass on the learning.

How did you tap into it?
I tapped into this through my own desire to change and grow and to stop making the mistakes that were preventing me from being the man I wanted to be. I hate to settle, so I don’t. I keep on keeping on. I have high standards for my life and it’s a journey of learning and uncovering that I’ll always be on.
Who is your Role-Model or Mentor? I had a great mentor who passed away a few years ago now – he was more than a high school coach, he opened my eyes to the possibilities in the world and to going for it. My dad is also a mentor, who through a fairly strict upbringing taught me to keep my word and do the right thing.  I also have historical figures that I use as role-models in various ways, especially Winston Churchill.
Do you have any daily habits? If so, what are they?
I meditate each morning before I do anything else and I pray each night.
When do you know your work/life balance is off?
The concept of work/life balance is very overplayed and not the goal in my mind. If you’re building the life you want, there will be times when your life will be seriously focused in one area and must be in order to make your goals reality. But it’s our responsibility as men to take care of the other areas as well. Sometimes you may not have the nicest lawn in the neighborhood because you’re focused on a critical time in your business, and that’s okay. You do what you can to not have the worst lawn either but it’s not the priority. I believe we know when something has to change – you feel it and you know if you push to much further without changing that something has got to give. The man who always wants to be in perfect balance will never accomplish anything of note.
Vulnerability is a challenge for most men – share a vulnerable moment from your life with us.
There was a point in my life almost 20 years ago where I became very depressed, unhappy in my work and relationships and frankly burnt out. The spark had definitely gone out and I didn’t know how to relight it.
What did you learn from it?
I learned that nothing is permanent and even your darkest hour will pass if you hang on and keep trying to take that one step forward.  This is when you need to lean on other men that you trust.
If you are or were going to be a mentor for another man, what is one piece of advice you would give him?
I know from experience that many men are like I was – they’ve become a lone wolf in their lives. Most of us had a group of friends in high school and/or college, but once we go out into the world, get married and start families we tend to become a lone wolf without close male friends to rely on, to get advice from and who will hold us accountable. My biggest piece of advice is to look for a small number of men that have your back and you can trust. You’ll have to work at this to create it but the payoff is immeasurable in your career, your marriage and your life trajectory. It could be a men’s group or simply one or two guys, but it has to be intentionally cultivated, it won’t just happen. Connecting with ManTalks is great way to make that happen.
How do you be the best partner (Boyfriend/Husband- past or present)
Couple of key things – my wife and I have a rule that we deal with an issue between us asap, solve it and once solved (and that’s key), then we don’t bring it back up later. When we argue, we always keep it respectful and there is no name calling – if you go there you’re opening a door to future trouble. We know each other’s love language and don’t expect the other to be the same person we are; we place a lot of respect on our differences.

Do you support any Charities or Not-for-profits? (Which one(s) and why?)
I support ChildFund and sponsor a boy in Indonesia as well as All Grace Outreach which helps orphans and widows.

If your life had a theme song, what would it be?
Wow, good question. I’d probably have a theme song for each year as I always have a word or motto for the year that motivates me. This year’s focus is Perseverance. 

Where do you see yourself in 3 years?
In 3 years I see helping a lot more men get to where they want to be through coaching and sites like www.RealMenRealMarriage.com and the ‘top-secret’ One Thousand Men Project that is currently in the works. 

What legacy do you want to leave for future generations?
Teaching men how to lead themselves, their families and their communities. John Maxwell says that everything rises and falls on leadership and I believe that. If we all become the men we know we can be, the world will be taken care of.

What One book would you recommend for any Man?
There are so many, but without a doubt I recommend everyone read The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. If implemented, those principles alone can set a you free. It’s been said that leaders are readers and that is absolutely true of every leader I know. The bigger they are the more they read. Be discerning but take advantage of the wisdom that is out there. If you’d like to be on my reading list leave me a message at michaelvanosch.com.
If you know a Man that is making a positive impact on the world, we would love to hear from you! Contact us at [email protected]
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Man Of The Week – Jordan Bower

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While life started decades ago, his real life adventure and the path to his purpose began in 2010 when he walked by himself from Canada to Mexico. Jordan Bower begun his 316-day journey most would only dream off doing. Over the 316 days he spent on his feet — first crossing Washington State, before heading down the Oregon Coast into the redwoods of Northern California, and all the way across the Golden Gate Bridge and making his way down to the white sandy beaches in Southern California — Jordan learned his story was my most valuable possession. By the time Jordan reached the Mexican border, he learned his experience gave him a story, one that would help shape his reality, as a life story does to most. Jordan also learned that storytellers were made, not born and that he had a unique ability to help people share their stories. Storytelling sets the framework for the way we engage with one another, and by changing how we tell our story, we set the foundation for meaningful and innovative work, authentic communication and mutually beneficial relationships.
In 2015, Jordan moved to the small city of Victoria, BC, where he started a communications business,  offering story-telling services professionally to clients. His hard work was honoured with an invitation to teach at the Future of Storytelling Summit — an annual event in New York City that also included teachers like Al Gore, Margaret Atwood and Edward Snowden. Today, Jordan has the good fortune of working with dozens of interesting and inspired clients around the world. Each day, he learns more about integrating what he has learned on the road to benefit my clients and community.
As Jordan humbly once said, “I’m one of those lucky people who does meaningful work I love that engages my creativity. I feel privileged for what I’ve experienced, and excited for the road ahead.”
Age – 35
What do you do? (Work)
I’m a Strategic Storyteller. In my work, I help leaders, teams and brands find a more dynamic, purposeful and inclusive way to frame what they do, and to connect it with others.
Why do you do it?
We live in a time that pundits are calling the Age of Loneliness — a time when more of us spend more of our lives isolated and online. I think storytelling is the antidote. By making sense of our own stories and by listening to the stories of others, we become more conscious of who we are — and more conscious of the mystery that surrounds and fills us.
For me, it’s really fulfilling to help my clients put language around ideas they didn’t feel confident expressing before, and to restore authentic storytelling to the business world, which had rejected it. I love what I am lucky enough to do.
How do you make a difference in the world? (Work, business, life, family, self)
This is a loaded question — we all make a difference in the world. The world isn’t static; it changes with us, with every conversation we have and every step we take. I don’t believe that anything I will ever do will meaningfully change what I think is bad about the world. I think that’s self-aggrandizing. Instead, I make choices that are fun, personally challenging and in integrity with my inner self. It’s an honour when those choices affect other people positively.
What are 3 defining moments in your life?
In 2010, I came home one day to find a note on my kitchen table from my girlfriend. Her closet and wardrobe were empty; she’d left me for another man. I panicked. Within weeks, I had launched a Kickstarter project, raising more than $8,000 to walk from Canada to Mexico — it was an idea that we’d had together; by launching the project, I wanted to show her how committed I was to the relationship in order to win her back.
But I couldn’t convince her. At the end of the summer, with nothing more than a backpack on my back, I left Vancouver, Canada, with the intention of walking the length of the West Coast.
That trip was full of defining moments. In the early days, I was convinced that my now ex-girlfriend would “come to her senses” and show up at my tent the next morning. It took about three weeks and 200 miles for me to realize that, probably, she wasn’t showing up. Soon, the doubt and shame I felt about having “driven her away” started transforming into deeper inquiry into myself: like, how did I end up in a relationship with someone who would leave me like that? That was a Pandora’s Box of emotional self-examination, forcing me to dive deeper into my upbringing, my past relationships, my parent’s divorce and my own sense of self-pity, helplessness and pessimism about what it would mean to actually grow up.
As I made my way south — through Washington and Oregon, and into the Redwoods of Northern California, heading for the Golden Gate Bridge — I was faced with obstacle after obstacle — opportunities, I realized for me to “take the blue pill” and stop digging deeper into myself. There were cold nights on isolated beaches; couches surfed in the meth-ridden grow ops of Northern California; sad, intimate encounters with so many strangers met along the way. I cried often — for myself, for my lost relationship, and for the people I was meeting, who were forcing me to become less judgemental of others and more compassionate — more real, I think.
It’s still hard for me to dive deep into that experience. The emotions I experienced on the way were so powerful, and so intense.
What is your life purpose?
I think, at my age, that answering this question would be inappropriate. Ask me again in 35 years.
Who is your Role-Model or Mentor?
I have an increasingly intimate relationship with my own inner wisdom that I am learning to trust beyond whatever doubt arises in my head. I am incredibly indebted to a counsellor I have in Los Angeles, who has spent the last 9 years helping me better understand my spirituality — and through it, myself.
Do you have any daily habits? If so, what are they?
Most of my habits are things that I criticize myself for — “unspiritual” things like watching sports and Facebook. I love the Toronto Blue Jays and Toronto Raptors in a way that I still don’t completely understand. One of the things I do every day is check in with last night’s sports scores, and get excited about the game ahead.
When do you know your work/life balance is off?
My body is screaming for movement, but my head is shouting for more time at the computer. My body is always right.
Vulnerability is a challenge for most men – share a vulnerable moment from your life with us.
It’s very vulnerable to be answering the questions for this blog post. My favourite form of storytelling is intimate, in person, and it’s very difficult to answer a series of questions using just my fingertips. To you, the reader, I’d love to be able to connect and share something emotionally meaningful that gets us both out of our heads. I know that you’re looking for something inspirational, like everyone else killing time on the Internet. It feels really vulnerable to try and inspire you, without knowing whether I’ll have ever been successful.
What did you learn from it?
To get out of my head, get into the flow, and to stop worrying about the consequences.
If you are or were going to be a mentor for another man, what is one piece of advice you would give him?
There’s a great book called Iron John, which anyone who’s done some men’s work will know well. The book’s a modern re-interpretation of the old Grimm Brothers fairy tale called Iron John, which is more or less the story of a young prince learning how to be a king.
The book is great for a number of reasons — as the author says, fairy tales are humanity’s most deeply entrenched wisdom, because oral stories passed from generation to generation are like heavily filtered water — only pure truth remains. But the most important detail in the book is in the first 25 pages, when the young boy discovers the hiding place for the key to his inner man — his wildness, sexual power, creativity, confidence. Where is the key? It’s hiding underneath his mother’s pillow. The boy’s task is to take the key — not ask for the key — take the key.
The one piece of advice I have for another man is to read Iron John. If you can’t read the whole thing, read just the first 75 or so pages. And take the damn key.
How do you be the best partner (Boyfriend/Husband- past or present)
Stop worrying about being the best partner. Instead, in my relationship, I focus on expressing my feelings appropriately, telling the truth and being intentional in the way I choose to act. For a long time, I was very concerned with “doing things the right way”, and that obsession with being perfect spilled over to all aspects of my relationships — conversation, future planning, sex. In the past few years, I’ve focused on being real instead, and trusting my partner’s ability to communicate clearly — and, occasionally, to accept or forgive my flaws. My relationship has been much, much stronger ever since.
Do you support any Charities or Not-for-profits? (Which one(s) and why?)
I don’t actively support any charities. In the last few years, my focus has been on building my business, and all my available time and money has gone into that. One ambition for the future is to sit on the board of a non-profit. I think I’m still a few years away from that.
If your life had a theme song, what would it be?
Diamonds on the Soles of Her Shoes, by Paul Simon. Graceland was the album I listened to most while I was walking.
Where do you see yourself in 3 years?
More entrenched in the global business community, delivering storytelling services that are world class. Travelling widely to deliver trainings and workshops. Advising large scale clients. Staying grounded. Practicing yoga 4 times a week. Rooting into a comfortable home. Anticipating life with children. Feeling happy, loving and connected with my highest self.
What legacy do you want to leave for future generations?
Honestly, I have never thought about this. I hope that I never do.
What One book would you recommend for any Man?
Besides Iron John (recommended above), Gary Snyder’s “The Practice of the Wild. Beautiful, insightful, wise and freeing essays written by one of America’s greatest poets. A true modern masterpiece.

Man Of The Week – Jeff Perera

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For over eight years, Jeff Perera has been working to help inspire new models of possibility for manhood: having spoken to men, young men and boys across Canada and beyond on how we can strive toward change within, and be part of nurturing healthier ideas of manhood where we work, live, study, worship and play. Today, Jeff is a Speaker and Facilitator with Next Gen Men, who work with young men and boys, as well as engage and educate men around conversations of toxic versus mindful masculinities. He has delivered two TEDx talks: ‘Words Speak Louder that Actions’ and ‘The Ladder of Manhood’. If that wasn’t enough, Jeff also writes over at Higher Unlearning, exploring how limiting ideas of gender impact men in everyday life. Jeff shares some poetic and inspiring words in his interview and ManTalks is honoured to have Jeff Perera as our newest Man Of The Week!

Age: 41 (but don’t look it! Being brown don’t let ya down!)

What do you do? (Work)
I am a Speaker and Facilitator with Next Gen Men. I’ve spoken to tens of thousands of young men, boys and men across Canada and abroad, for eight years, about our ideas of manhood and new models of possibility for men.

Why do you do it?
I realized years ago that how many of us answer the question of what it means to be a man, is at the core of so many of the challenges, issues and struggles that people of all genders face. Traditions and concepts of what manhood is or isn’t, impact everything; from our lives at home or work, or where we study or worship, as well as our relationship with the environment, our true self, and with each other. As men, working to give ourselves the freedom to be our best self, in turn helps nurture the world we want to live in,

How do you make a difference in the world? (Work, business, life, family, self)
What I have learned again and again is: The way forward begins with us, within us. There are many men who want to explore living a more full, meaningful, heartfelt life; embracing vulnerability and fear, and not facing it all alone. I look to help men open their heart’s eye and strive to see the invisible: how these toxic ideas of manhood are both the rope used to section off people of other genders in everyday life, as well as the chain holding men back from our whole humanity. My hope is to help inspire others to genuinely begin their journey from head to heart, and from heart to action: showing up in their own lives, and the lives of others. My role is to help convey to men and boys that change must be ongoing within us, but that you are not alone and that we can take this journey together.

What are 3 defining moments in your life?
– The day I realized the person I wanted to be: as a little child witnessing my father (who was a violent tyrant at home) back down and hide in his car from a drunk man who wanted to fight him.
– The day I saw my father’s dead body.
– A quiet moment when I decided to leave a 9-5 job because I wanted to own the impact I make, and what those waves to continue to be after I’ve left this world.

What is your life purpose?
I want to be the lesson in action, and inspire others to try as well. I want to hold a mirror up for others, so we learn to truly see our role in everyday situations. That starts with role modelling the process and looking in that mirror ourselves. I want to be a gentle voice inviting you into this conversation, but also push and provoke you: make you comfortable with discomfort (that place where our real inner growth happens.)

How did you tap into it?
Too many men have a void in their lives: not having emotionally present models and mentors. I call these models of possibility ‘Maps to Manhood’, someone who you can talk to or just learn from by seeing how they navigate life. I decided to aspire to be the example I was looking for, fill the void for myself and others. That process has brought into my life amazing men from whom I learn from and unlearn with.

Who is your Role-Model or Mentor?
Muhammad Ali. We can learn from anyone and everyone (and need to always listen for the lesson) but the life he lived was his message to us. Ali was the voice telling us to get back up, to stand up. Ali taught us to answer the bell, rise up, and get into the ‘Ring of our own Life’. He said: “True success is reaching our potential without compromising our values.” He demonstrated the will to work and work, battle yourself and all circumstances in order to achieve your goals, and be ready to sacrifice it all for what matters. I strive to be half the man he was.

Do you have any daily habits? If so, what are they?
I mentioned mirrors earlier, I take a moment to look in the mirror every day. It is my reminder to not just see my physical self, but my entire self. To be present and mindful in each moment as much as I can be, and try harder than that, in order to own everything I’ve done and didn’t do. I want to focus not the impression I leave with others so much as the impact I have on others. Trying to talk to myself using loving speech also!

When do you know your work/life balance is off?
I talk more and more these days about ‘Mindful Masculinities’. When I am truly striving to be present, show up, enter the Ring of my own life: in everyday, simple moments I can tell when I am not at my best. We all have those ‘engine light’ or ‘oil change’ symbols light up on our inner dashboard: those moments when a quiet voice whispers “you need to take a break” or “put the email away and go sit with your child for a bit”.
Humbly, I would like to submit that the pursuit of ‘work/life balance’ is a fruitless chase that sets us up for failure. Instead, I believe the key is seeking to find harmony within every moment in Life. This is a fluid state where we seek to maintain amidst the ever-changing highs and lows. We are in constant motion, our lives are never truly in a stand-still state until our last breath. Life is like crossing a tightrope towards our destination, as we carry all our life’s relationships, projects, aspirations, challenges and responsibilities in our hands. The goal is to constantly seek harmony within the present moment, both when it is quiet, or when we face the gusts of Life’s winds of challenge… all while moving in a forward motion. This is our endless work: staying tuned in, learning to adjust and thrive, all while seeking to be one with this very moment.

Vulnerability is a challenge for most men – share a vulnerable moment from your life with us.
I want to be the person that reaches out to you when things are at their lowest, not someone who shows up when you are riding waves of success. I think we need to start doing that for ourselves, with ourselves.
In the very near future, I seek to openly talk about my mistakes and lessons learned. I think it is time we opened up as men and owned our shit. Taking ownership of our actions, behaviour and impact. I am writing a piece about this topic, in which I wrote: “To Men everywhere, this isn’t about the ‘Day of our Reckoning’, this is about the Day of our Awakening.”
In 2015, I started a year-long journey to explore and own my past actions and reputation, and ask myself hard questions. I did a lot of listening, talking with women from different periods of my life: colleagues, friends, acquaintances, women I’ve interacted with in community work, as well as women I dated in the past. I wanted to better know myself through the narrative others have of me, based on my impact in the community. This wasn’t solely about me, my hurt feelings or my guilt, but more about learning of any hurt or harm I may have caused.

What did you learn from it?
As a result, I started having much deeper, vulnerable conversations with men in my life, modelling how we can help one another do this emotional work together. Sharing my journey helped me open up conversations with men, as we discussed regrets, shame and fear of talking openly about mistakes, and how we need to do this work together. Instead of leaving women in our lives to do all the heavy emotional lifting for us, we can share in the emotional, healing, self-awareness work amongst other fellow men.
Ben Okri said “Stories can conquer fear. They can make the heart larger.” We can humbly share our experiences together as men, to help our own healing and learning, and others too. I started a monthly gathering in Toronto: a private circle of men I knew trying to be positive role models in our communities. There we open up and share, and listen to one another. No performance, no judgements, not as a PR move to salvage our name after a mistake made. Raw, real honest truths and buried fears. We need to model doing emotional labour together as men, where there isn’t reward (i.e. opening up with the goal of achieving romantic or sexual pursuits).
Next Gen Men has started monthly gatherings in Calgary, and soon other cities like Toronto (which I will be organizing) called ‘Wolf Pack’. (http://nextgenmen.ca/our-program/wolf-pack) These will be spaces where men can have these conversations together, open to people of all genders. Wolf Pack aims to tackle challenges of social isolation amongst adult men by helping foster social connection and new friendships through vulnerable and supportive conversations around topics of depth.

If you are or were going to be a mentor for another man, what is one piece of advice you would give him?
I am looked to by some as an ‘expert’ on healthy masculinities, but anyone who says they have the ‘quick-fix, follow these three easy steps, just-add water’ solutions to being a better man is working a con. The path toward being your better self (not better than someone else, but better that who you were yesterday) is a lifelong journey. There are no shortcuts, no quick solutions, we have to roll up our sleeves and develop the resolution to truly face ourselves, with love. A self-love that is accountability, transparency and humility.

How do you be the best partner (Boyfriend/Husband- past or present)
Know Yourself.

Do you support any Charities or Not-for-profits? (Which one(s) and why?)
Let me tell you about three, starting with the one I work for!
Next Gen Men (www.nextgenmen.ca) is a youth-led, nonprofit organization focused on building better men through youth and peer engagement, education and empowerment. We believe that by engaging, educating, and empowering our peers, we can ensure that the next generation of men will make a positive impact on their communities.
Reclaim Your Voice (www.abusesurvivalstories.com) is a nonprofit event series which provides a platform for men and women who have experienced domestic violence, psychological and sexual abuse, to reclaim their voices. Combining raw testimonials from survivors with inspirational spoken word pieces and motivational speeches, Reclaim Your Voice is a positive and healing experience that uplifts both the mind and the soul.
FYOU: THE FORGIVENESS PROJECT (www.thefyouproject.ca) is a movement that started after rape-survivor Tara Muldoon did not find justice in the justice system. After realizing forgiveness would have to come from within, she created a platform for youth and young adults to speak openly about what it means to forgive. FYOU is now a team that runs programming and workshops internationally. The entire movement is comprised of youth and young adults.

If your life had a theme song, what would it be?
‘Sure Looks Good To Me’ by Alicia Keys.

Where do you see yourself in 3 years?
I see myself doing what I am doing today, but in different and ever-evolving ways; hopefully having learned more and grown each day from now to that moment in time.

What legacy do you want to leave for future generations?
I hope to be seen as a person who left it all in the ring. I want to be someone who inspired others to reach deeper and do better: not just in my words but my deeds and actions, and the impact I had on others.

What One book would you recommend for any Man?
The Autobiography of Malcolm X
(Also: Man Up: Reimagining Modern Manhood by Carlos Andrés Gómez)

If you know a Man that is making a positive impact on the world, we would love to hear from you! Contact us at [email protected]

Man Of The Week – Grayson Miller

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Grayson Miller provides coaching, strong leadership and is a mentor to his team at StyleDemocracy. At StyleDemocracy, Grayson takes on the role of Vice President, digital director and content creator, spearheading the company’s development with their blog, social media outlets and marketing strategies for clients and followers. He focuses on the development of his team and allowing each individual to express creativity, vision and passion so that they excel in the work environment and feel fulfilled in doing so. A sacrificial leader, Grayson leads by example and ensures he has given his team enough support, love and encouragement to kick-start their entrepreneurial spirit and hopefully launch their dreams. Check out our newest Man Of The Week, Grayson Miller!

Age: 29

What do you do?
I am the Vice President – Digital for StyleDemocracy. I oversee and develop all of StyleDemocracy’s digital initiatives. In addition to that, I work closely with brands, helping them tell their stories to digital audiences.

Why do you do it?
I do it because retail, fashion, and digital marketing are all great passions of mine. I love telling stories and I find that the world of content creation and digital marketing is always evolving, which forces you to continually grow, learn, and challenge yourself.

How do you make a difference in the world?
Tough question. StyleDemocracy provides access to off-price clothing for our members and shoppers. For some, the savings on clothing actually makes a discernible difference in their lives. On a personal level, I have work experience in the mental health arena. Due to my knowledge, I have been able to guide people in the right direction in seeking help and support for mental health issues.

What are 3 defining moments in your life?
– Getting cut from my high school hockey team – I thought that I was guaranteed to make the team. I made it before so I coasted. It taught me that you always have to work for the stuff that you want, and that nothing in life is guaranteed. There is always someone behind you who will gladly take your place, so if you don’t continue to work and improve, you’ll often fall behind.
– Meeting my current partner – She’s the best. Always supportive and always pushes me to achieve my goals.
– Working for StyleDemocracy – I started out as an intern and today I am the Vice-President. My life would be drastically different if I took a different direction.

What is your life purpose?
I have much respect for people who are able to answer this question. I haven’t figured it out yet.

How did you tap into it?
I try to be the best that I can be every day. It’s hard and challenging for me. Being better is what motivates me.

Role-Model?
My father. Hard working, well dressed, never gives up. I try to live my life like that.

Do you have any daily habits?
I want to work on forming better daily habits. I try to take at least 30 minutes for myself every day. I might go for a run, sit by myself, read a book. It really doesn’t matter what it is, I just try to be one with myself for at least 30 minutes a day to block out the noise of everyday life.

When do you know your work balance is off?
When I’m not creative or I don’t feel like working. The not wanting to work part is the biggest sign to me that I’m tired. If I feel that way, I know that something is wrong.

Vulnerability is a challenge for most men – share a vulnerable moment from your life with us.
I’ve had some close friends and family that have dealt with serious mental health issues. These issues challenge you to become more accepting and understanding. It has been a hard road for me in dealing with people that I love who suffer from mental illness. It can take every ounce of your strength to not feel like a victim and realize that mental health issues don’t discriminate and can affect people from all walks of life. It made me vulnerable because I always want to help people that I love, and sometimes you can’t do it on your own. Not having the answers is one of my most vulnerable feelings. You have to look inward to have the strength to deal with it.

What did you learn from it?
I learned to be more understanding and to be patient with people. It has helped me learn that people all have their own issues and in business and life, and you have to know how to be accommodating and compassionate.

How do you be the best partner?
I communicate about everything – probably in excess, but I find that even in long-term relationships, ambiguity can arise unless communication is constant.  I also always let her know that I have her back no matter what. I’m always one call away and while I may not always understand, I will always listen and give her 100% of my focus when she needs it.

Do you support any charities?
I have supported CAMH in the past. As you probably already know from reading this article, I have friends and family that deal with mental health issues. I support CAMH because I feel that Mental Health support and awareness needs to improve in our city.

If your life had a theme song, what would it be?
Kanye West – Can’t Tell Me Nothing

Where do you see yourself in three years?
The President of StyleDemocracy – Digital

What legacy do you want to leave for future generations?
While it has improved a lot and there are many fantastic black business leaders, I would like to continue to instill the knowledge that race and ethnicity should not limit your ambitions and that with hard work, anyone can achieve parts of their dreams.

What one book would you recommend for any man?
Between the World and Me by Ta-Nehisi Coates

If you know a Man that is making a positive impact on the world, we would love to hear from you! Contact us at [email protected]

 

Man Of The Week – Dean Smith

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There are many moments in life where you feel like the rug was pulled from under you, or when someone shares a ground-breaking perspective on life that you’ve never considered. These moments come from the people around us, but also from within. A lot of the time, doing your own personal reflection can also help reshape the way you see the world and how you want to show up by asking yourself the tough questions. For Dean Smith, his tough questions were “What can I create, how can I create it, and how will it serve others?”

Dean is our newest Man Of The Week and boy does he an incredible and powerful story. A man who believes in being of service to others, showing love and support for those around you, and forgiveness being critical to his success. A man who’s weathered his fare share of life’s storms, from having his mother murdered to rekindling his love and bond with his wife Molly, Dean personifies what it means to love and connect with people regardless of their performance. Today he is a speaker, coach and the Director of Executive Coaching for the Og Mandino Leadership Institute. Check out the rest of his story below!

Age: 42 years old

What do you do? (Work)
Keynote Speaker / High-Performance Coach / Minister

Why do you do it?
There’s nothing more fulfilling than helping someone discover a new possibility for their life. For many years I lived “survival focused.” I internally asked, “why me?” My life changed course when I began asking, “What can I create, how can I create it, and how will it serve others?” My purpose, passion, and fulfillment is found in utilizing all my life’s experiences, challenges, and successes to serve others.

How do you make a difference in the world? (Work, business, life, family, self)
I’m grateful to be the Director of Executive Coaching for the Og Mandino Leadership Institute. This fancy title means I get to assist successful professional’s overcome challenges and reach consistently high levels of personal and business performance.

What are 3 defining moments in your life?
– In sixth grade, the day my mom was murdered was a day that changed my life forever. That day birthed my biggest life challenge, but it also was the beginning of the revelation to the deep truth that all things can work together for good.
– 2004 The day that I decided in the inner-most part of my heart that divorce with my wife, Molly would not ever be an option again. I had considered it many times over the first two years of marriage and at one point decided I didn’t love her AT ALL anymore. After taking the divorce option off the table, I was forced to find solutions. I can honestly report that it was the beginning of an intense relational healing process and we’ve never been happier as a couple. We have two beautiful children that are a constant reminder of the rewards of fighting through the tough times in marriage.
– 2009, I stood on a stage in front of hundreds of people, talking about my forgiveness journey. Toward the end of my talk, I invited the man who murdered my mother up on stage (it should be noted that he’d already paid for his crimes with 12 years in prison). That was the day my sister forgave him too. My journey to forgive, reconcile with and help save the life of the man that murdered my mom was made into an award-winning, internationally distributed documentary entitled, ‘Live To Forgive’.

What is your life purpose?
To help other’s know Truth, optimize attitudes, and live in the fullness of their God-given potential.

How did you tap into it?
My journey was founded on a relationship with God.
1) Prayer  2) Listening  3) Make lots of mistakes 4) Repeat steps 1-3

Who is your Role-Model or Mentor?
Pastor Rex Bell. He is my fifth and final dad since age 12. He adopted me after my mom’s death. He mentored me, verbally encouraged me, and helped me to learn about loving people and God. Rex was a very busy pastor but he spent quality time with me daily, imparting wisdom and listening. His love and guidance helped build my character and confidence.

Do you have any daily habits? If so, what are they?
Start my day with lots of intentionally-edifying thoughts, verbal affirmations, prayer, and inspiring music. When I look over all my specific responsibilities, meetings, and to-do’s for the day, I say aloud, “I want to, I get to, and I choose to” rather than “I have to, I should, and I must.” This framing helps keep me inspired and passionate that I am engaging in tasks that are ultimately helping me achieve my goals and live a life of purpose.

When do you know your work/life balance is off?
When my wife looks at me with weary kaleidoscope eyes I know it’s time to refocus from work mode to family mode. I’ve made that mistake so many times that now my inner compass is a bit more developed than a decade ago. For my wife’s sake, I’m always striving to be the “Anti-Kaleidoscope Man.” I’ve interviewed dozens of world-changers and when I ask them what would you do different, a majority expresses regret about not spending more time with family.

Vulnerability is a challenge for most men – share a vulnerable moment from your life with us.
I left a successful sales career to pursue an entrepreneurial dream and after 3 years discovered that I had unintentionally left my wife (Molly) behind (figuratively speaking) and our financial situation became dire.  Molly was embittered and our marriage was struggling. To remedy the situation and bring healing to our relationship, I went back to corporate America (which was initially humiliating and humbling) to provide financial stability. Also, I re-prioritized my marriage. Interestingly, I now help other’s avoid this same pitfall during my keynotes and one-on-coaching clients. It was hard to believe I’d made so many unwise choices while trying so hard to do the right thing. In time, I realized that only productive questions would serve my purpose.

What did you learn from it?
If you’re not in unity with your wife, the foundation of personal and business success will be unstable

If you are or were going to be a mentor for another man, what is one piece of advice you would give him?
Look into your life and discover where you are making the same mistakes repeatedly, find the source of sabotaging thoughts that are keeping you in bondage. Learn to transform/change them to work for you.
Forgive and love when the other person clearly doesn’t deserve it. It may be one of the most manly things you ever do.
Pray

How do you be the best partner (Boyfriend/Husband- past or present)
Consciously live in/with Agape love (a heightened sense of awareness). This means I choose to love regardless of performance. I simply love her because I love her. Forgiveness, grace, verbal affirmations are as normal and natural as breathing. It creates an atmosphere of safety and security (for her) and respect (for me).

Do you support any Charities or Not-for-profits? (Which one(s) and why?)
I’m the founder/director of ‘Live To Forgive Ministries’ which helps people unshackle from bitterness, anger, and resentment and experience freedom in their minds and relationships. This freedom usually leads to business breakthrough, too.

If your life had a theme song, what would it be?
The Word by The Beatles

Where do you see yourself in 3 years?
Spending lots of quality time with my wife and kids—oh and speaking internationally as a Transformational Speaker. Also, making Forgiveness University the premier online resource for all things forgiveness.

What legacy do you want to leave for future generations?
I’ve attended several funerals lately of dear friends and family. As I intently listened to the eulogies, I received a deep impression that the greatest and most influential legacy we can leave is a legacy of love. I want to be remembered as someone who loved hard and helped others experience the freedom and fulfillment of doing the same.

What One book would you recommend for any Man?
‘The Greatest Salesman in the World’ by Og Mandino

Who is one Man you think our readers would love to read about in future ‘Man Of The Week’ features?
DAVE ROWE: who listened and reacted to the messages received during a Near Death Experience and now strives to help men make changes in their lives to be the best version of their authentic selves without needing to come so close to death.

Man Of The Week – Vlad Rascanu

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Our newest Man Of The Week is Vlad Rascanu, the owner of 80 Proof Digital, a Toronto-based marketing agency that focuses on search engine optimization. Without trying to get too technical, Vlad helps small to larger sized businesses become discoverable on Google’s search results. Unknown to him that he would find his purpose in some of his earliest work experiences, Vlad quickly learned that the work he does for his clients and partners can change their livelihood. From being three months away from losing their business and foreclosing on their home, Vlad’s clients have seen their businesses become profitable and gain new business all from Google’s search engine. Vlad is a man who believes giving back to the community is an essential part of entrepreneurship, his efforts to help not-for-profits and charities have resulted in them receiving over $1 million in advertising grants from Google. A man driven by ambition and the desire to inspire future generations, read on to learn how the sacrifices Vlad made to launch his business have resulted in small businesses being given a platform to share their message and raise funds for important causes.

Age – 28 

What do you do? (Work)
I’m the owner of 80 Proof Digital, a digital marketing agency based out of Downtown Toronto. We focus on SEO and Paid Search. Even though our main target market is enterprise-level clients, we also work with small to mid-sized businesses, and provide pro-bono services to not-for-profit organizations and charities.

Why do you do it?
Behind every business are families whose lives depend on its success. I want their companies to thrive because if they thrive than my own company will thrive in return.
At 80 Proof Digital, we pride ourselves with being a boutique but highly skilled agency. We work hard daily to ensure the success of our clients.

How do you make a difference in the world? (Work, business, life, family, self)
I helped nonprofit organizations raise over 1 Million dollars in advertising dollars from Google Grants. This money helped these organizations make a positive difference in the world. In addition, the services we provide help all my clients grow their businesses which in return allows them and us to create jobs.

What are 3 defining moments in your life?
– When I first started working in the industry, one of my first clients was a client in the home improvement industry. He only had enough money to pay me for 3 months of SEO work and if I couldn’t help him he would have had to close down his company and he would have lost his home. Within 3 months he started seeing a profit on his investment and within 6 months he was dominating Google’s results pages and generating a lot of leads. This was when I realized the positive difference that I can make in other people’s lives with SEO.
– When I started my agency, 80 Proof Digital. It was the most difficult thing I’ve ever done; going from a six figure income with zero stress at work and absolutely loving my job to making no income and hating every second of what I was doing under a tremendous amount of stress. The lessons learned along the way have been unquantifiable and I know that in the end it’ll all be worth it. Making this step has gotten me closer to my goal of truly being free from the rat race.
– Meeting my fiancé and soon to-be wife. It’s a great feeling when you finally meet your person. Your best friend. Someone who completely gets you and is there for you every step of the way. Entrepreneurship is a very lonely world where very few understand you so having her support along with my family’s support made all the difference in the world.

What is your life purpose?
I want to leave a legacy behind for my future generations.

How did you tap into it?
Growing up, my brother and I did not have much. Our parents left everything back in Romania in order to give us a better future. Highly educated but with no Canadian experience, both of them had to work dreadful jobs just to put food on the table. I want to repay them for the sacrifices they’ve made and to make sure that my future generations will also be taken care off.

Who is your Role-Model or Mentor?
My older brother, Alex Rascanu. From a young age he always looked after me and showed me the way. I followed his footsteps and his work ethic and always strived to be the best at what I did.

Do you have any daily habits? If so, what are they?
I wouldn’t say so. Every day is completely different. The only habit/routine I have is using my project management software to keep organized with my daily to-dos.

When do you know your work/life balance is off?
I think anyone can tell when that happens, but sometimes it is just not an option. In order to achieve something in life, you have to make sacrifices. For me, my work/life balance has been off for over a year now, ever since I started my company. But most entrepreneurs will tell you that in the first year work/life balance doesn’t really exist. I’ve accepted it for now.

Vulnerability is a challenge for most men – share a vulnerable moment from your life with us.
There was a point in my early 20s, when I got scammed into making a bad investment decision and I lost a significant amount of money. I had to move back with my parents and face the embarrassment for not recognizing all the red flags at the beginning and not listening to others. It took me a long time to recover from that.

What did you learn from it?
It was definitely a great lesson. I am glad I learned it earlier in life. I lost all my savings and went in debt trying to make a quick buck, but now I know that there are no quick routes to success. Every day is a grind. Every day is hustle.

If you are or were going to be a mentor for another man, what is one piece of advice you would give him?
Develop a good work ethic and become the master of one thing that everyone will know you for.

How do you be the best partner (Boyfriend/Husband- past or present)
Good communication and listening skills are everything. Relationships can be hard work, but so worth it. My fiancé and I always grow stronger together during challenging times, because we have excellent communication and we want to make it work. Sometimes I just stay quiet and listen. Sometimes she does. It’s a give and take.

Do you support any Charities or Not-for-profits? (Which one(s) and why?)
It is an important component of my company, 80 Proof Digital. I wish I could help every charity, but so far we’ve helped 10 charities land over $1 million in advertising grants from Google. For me it was never important which charities we help, but the fact that we do. Many small non-profits and charities do not have the budget to afford online advertising.  That’s where we come in. Every year we take on organizations based on “first come, first serve” basis and help them get the funds they need to run their PPC campaigns. The Google Grant Program gives charities and not-for-profit organizations up to $10,000 a month in spending in Adwords.

If your life had a theme song, what would it be?
Different songs are more or less appropriate/needed for different stages of our lives; there’s no single song that I can think of that can define my life.

Where do you see yourself in 3 years?
Happy.

What legacy do you want to leave for future generations?
Legacy is more than just materialistic wealth. I hope to teach future generations to be self-sufficient. Money comes and goes, but your ability to get back up after being knocked down will always be with you.

What One book would you recommend for any Man?
Definitely “Think and Grow Rich” by Napoleon Hill.

f you know a Man that is making a positive impact on the world, we would love to hear from you! Contact us at [email protected]

Man Of The Week – Zeeshan Hayat

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Our newest Man Of The Week is someone who’s faced his fair share of hardships growing up, from seeing his mother pass away right before his eyes at the age of six, to moving from Pakistan to Canada at the age of nine, Zeeshan Hayat never let his determination to succeed in life dampen. Zeeshan has never known any other career than entrepreneurship, and from the young age of 22 he took the bold step to launch his first company without any prior work experience or funding. A man that doesn’t shy away form the tough decisions in life, Zeeshan’s perseverance and determination, along with support from an incredible wife Karina, have helped grow his business into a multimillion dollar organization that medically serves millions across North America. Today, Zeeshan is the CEO of Prizm Health, which he co-founded with his wife Karina. A man driven by passion, Zeeshan’s desire to leave a legacy that inspires future generation is well-balanced with quality family time and exercise. As many serial entrepreneurs, his desire to give back to the community is ever-present, since 2007 the initiatives he has led with Prizm Health, they have successfully donated over 40,000 meals and supplies to those in need in Vancouver and the Downtown East Side.

Age – 36

What do you do? (Work)
I am the CEO and Co-founder of Prizm Health. My drive and vision has taken the company from a small college venture to a multimillion dollar business that serves some of the largest mail order durable medical equipment and pharmacies across US and Canada.
Prizm Health started as a lead generation firm, called Prizm Media that connects consumers suffering from chronic conditions with healthcare companies at their point of need. While building Prizm with my co-founder and wife Karina Hayat, we looked for a solution to further help people with pre-diabetes and diabetes which led us to develop our E-Health Ecosystem. Now we are transforming people’s health outcome and ultimately their quality of life through personalized interventions.
Before becoming a serial entrepreneur, I competed at a national level for Taekwondo. Learning Taekwondo gave me the discipline, ethics, and integrity needed to lead Prizm Health.
I also blog for the Huffington Post where I share my expertise in how technology is changing the healthcare industry and what the future will bring.

Why do you do it?
Because I love it. If I didn’t love my job and what I do than I would look to build a company that reflected my passion.

How do you make a difference in the world? (Work, business, life, family, self)
For Business– I help make a difference in the health industry. At Prizm, we are making a change in people’s lives by connecting people with healthcare providers they desperately need to achieve their optimal health. Through our app Kudolife, we are personalizing people’s health.
Health, nutrition, and fitness should not be categorized. There is no one size fits all when it comes to people’s health. Our bodies are all different and through Kudolife, we hope to give people the personalization they need to reach their health and fitness goals. Kudolife uses machine learning and AI to give users personalized meal plans that will help optimize their health for the long term.
Personal side– For me I enjoy giving back to the community. I do this by giving back to the people closest to us and who need help- the Vancouver downtown eastside. It is important to give back to those in need and doing what is necessary to help them get back on their feet. Wether it is by giving them food, basic toiletries or by having a conversation.
Family- Giving back to my family by being present and not always being away or distracted by technology is vital. When you are around family or friends, it is important always to be present, or else life could just pass you by.
Self- Taking the time out of my day to go on a bike ride is important. By taking care of my physical, I can continue to stay fresh and be motivated to lead Prizm Health.

What are 3 defining moments in your life?
– When I saw my mother pass away infront of my eyes at the age of 6
– Moving to Canada at the age of 9 with my grandparents from Pakistan
– Starting my own family and company

What is your life purpose?
There have always been three main things I focus on. Number one and the most important one is to to provide a good life for my family. The second is to build a legacy that provides a service to help improve and individualize health. The third one is to continue to support the community around me and to help people who are in need.

How did you tap into it?
For me, it was about prioritizing and understanding what is important for me personally. My family felt the most important since I have no siblings. I receive that satisfaction of what I missed in my childhood by seeing my children grow.
I have never had any other career in my life besides being an entrepreneur, and I want to see it grow where we make a real difference in a person’s life. Building your own company and seeing it take off is the real legacy of an entrepreneur. When I first started Prizm 15 years ago, I would have never foreseen where I would be today. Now looking forward and seeing us become a global leader might be hard to imagine but I know if can become a reality. Being able to grow Prizm Health into the success it is today is proof that we can achieve the future.

Who is your Role-Model or Mentor?
It would be prophet, Muhammad. As a Muslim, we are supposed to look up to him and care for the people around us. In that sense, I would say he is my role model.

Do you have any daily habits? If so, what are they?
Staying on schedule and being organized is my daily habit. Also, no matter how busy I am I make sure that I spend time with my children every single day. As a family, we all get together to have breakfast with each other every morning. Another important daily habit that I try to be consistent with is stretching every morning. I struggle with this, but after a morning stretch, I noticed that I started to become more flexible and felt more energized and ready for the day ahead.

When do you know your work/life balance is off?
I like to exercise at least 4-5 times a week. If I don’t workout, I begin to feel frustrated and over worked.  Taking the time to exercise helps me relax and gives me time to feel fresh again. As for family, if I had to choose between a bike ride or to spend time with kids. My kids are always the first choice. It is all about prioritizing and understand what will make you happier.

Vulnerability is a challenge for most men – share a vulnerable moment from your life with us.
Going all in and taking the leap to start my own business at 22 years old with no experience or funding.

What did you learn from it?
The biggest lesson learned is that you can do anything if you put all of your energy and minds into it. My motivation was that I saw others starting successful businesses. I thought “If they can do it then we can too.” We had to give it our 100% and learn how to make the best possible decisions in the process.

If you are or were going to be a mentor for another man, what is one piece of advice you would give him?
Never Give up. Once you set your mind to something do whatever you can to get there.

How do you be the best partner (Boyfriend/Husband- past or present)
Having a good understanding of each other and being supportive is one way.
My co-founder/wife and I share a family together and for us, it is important to know how to support each other when things don’t go as planned.  When we come across a problem, we can apply our entrepreneurial skills to find the solutions. We never just talk about the problem we both actively work hard together to seek its solution.

Do you support any Charities or Not-for-profits? (Which one(s) and why?)
In addition to pledging 2.5% of Prizm Media’s after-tax profits to charity, I also spearhead several initiatives and donate to causes close to my heart. The charitable campaign “100 Meals a Week” is a weekly initiative led by myself and Karina that supports the less fortunate on “Skid Row” in the Vancouver Downtown Eastside. We have motivated friends, family, and the Prizm Health team to provide over 40,000 meals and necessities since 2007.
More recently, my wife and I are sponsoring a Syrian refugee family. We are currently preparing to help the family assimilate to life in Canada.
Other activities we are a part of include partnering up with Homeless on Hastings organization to help give out meals to homeless youth. We have also recently started going to local high schools to teach courses on entrepreneurship and help students develop their leadership skills.

If your life had a theme song, what would it be
I don’t think I could think of just one.

Where do you see yourself in 3 years?
Professionally I see myself as a market leader in healthcare digital and marketing and innovation.

What legacy do you want to leave for future generations?
I would want to be looked at as someone who was helpful to its community, as well as someone who worked hard to grow wiser. I would want my children to look at me as a role model.
For my company, I want to grow it into a huge cooperation that is driven towards making a difference in people’s health. In the end, I want to be looked upon as a leader in the MHealth field.

What One book would you recommend for any Man?
The autobiography of Steve Jobs. I look at him as a leader. As a business man, I look up to him as a role model, but I do not look up to him for his personal life. He couldn’t support his family, but I admire his ability to give it all to his company.

If you know a Man that is making a positive impact on the world, we would love to hear from you! Contact us at [email protected]

Man Of The Week – Ian MacKenzie

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This week’s Man Of The Week is Ian MacKenzie, often described as a new paradigm media activist, whose goal mission is to uncover and share stories of the emerging paradigm, moving away from destruction and towards a more life-affirming future. Using film as his medium, Ian crafts conscious memes on behalf of the more beautiful world our hearts know is possible. Be it fluke or fate, Ian’s entry into the filming world came when he decided to join his best friend on a year-long journey to tell a story about a man who worked 52 jobs in 52 weeks to discover his true passion. The film, aptly titled, was called “One Week Job” went on to receive widespread media attention and ironically enough, it was Ian who discovered his true passion; filmmaking.

Today, Ian is working on a couple different projects, with one particularly hitting close to home, Healing of Love (2016). A short film that aims to explore and excavate our deepest wounds around love, sex and partnerships. Follow Ian’s latest updates by following his Facebook fan page.

Age:  35

What do you do? (Work)
My friend once called me “The Indiana Jones of the new story.” I’m a filmmaker and activist that crafts conscious media to shift our cultural mythology away from destruction and toward a life-affirming future.

Why do you do it?
I’ve always been fascinated with stories, from reading fantasy books as a teenager, to writing short stories of my own as a young adult. Cultures are built upon stories as well, though they are often harder to see when it’s all we’ve ever known.  Given our convergent crises on this planet, from social, to economic, to environmental, we are called to reimagine our cultural stories at the deepest level.  I choose film as my primary medium as it contains a uniquely powerful alchemy that can catalyze change in a short period of time.

How do you make a difference in the world? (Work, business, life, family, self)
Like many artists, I have little separation between my work, my life, my family, and my self. I don’t see them as separate realms, but intimately intertwined. (Case in point: two of my feature documentaries include my best friend (One Week Job)  and my partner (Amplify Her) as the main subjects).  At the core, I attempt to make beauty. In the face of so much cynicism and despair, making beauty is a revolutionary act.

What are 3 defining moments in your life?
– In 2007, my aforementioned best friend Sean Aiken graduated from college and didn’t know what he wanted to do with his life. Rather than dive into a career path, only to find out later it wasn’t for him, he decided to launch The One Week Job Project. He would work one job a week for a year, and contribute any funds paid to charity. Incredibly, the offers rolled in from all over North America, from a Dairy Farmer in Alberta, to a Hollywood Producer in LA, to an astronomer in Hawaii.
Halfway through the journey, I quit my job as a copywriter and joined him on the road, shooting the adventure on a basic video camera. While I’d had an interest in filmmaking, I’d never seriously attempted a documentary…until now.  Eventually, I crafted 100+ hours of footage into a cohesive film, which in 2010 we premiered to a sold-out audience in Vancouver and eventually aired on the CBC. I haven’t stopped making films since.
– In 2011, I attending Burning Man for the third time. While many come for the party, others stay for The Temple.  It is the yin to the gathering’s yang – a beautiful structure that serves as a place for collective grief and sorrow. That year, it was called The Temple of Transition, a magnificent building that taught me the meaning of agape.  On the final night, the Temple is always burned in silence – from dust to dust. And yet that morning,  something in me couldn’t leave without capturing a piece. I shot as much footage as I could, and post-burn released the short film Dear Temple.    I believe it was Mark Twain who said the two most important days of your life are “the day you are born, and the day you found out what you’re born to do.”  This day was the latter.
– Finally, in 2013, after multiple years of failing to conceive, and my burgeoning desire to expand the boundaries of our love, my wife and I decided to separate. (The complete story is an epic saga of joy and heartbreak, in fact, I’m currently finishing a 17 page essay on the end of the marriage – stay tuned).
Suffice to say, it launched me on an inquiry into our cultural mythology of sex, partnership, and the village, which has already taken me as far away as Tamera peace village in Portugal to shoot my forthcoming short Healing of Love – aimed at excavating our deepest collective wounds around love and sexuality.

What is your life purpose?
My life purpose is to weave the threads of the emergent culture – to see the larger patterns and craft a cohesive synthesis for others to understand and activate their own gifts.

How did you tap into it?
By having great parents and friends. By listening deeply to my soul’s inner calling. And by continuing to trust I will be lead to where I’m needed most.

Who is your Role-Model or Mentor?
Author, farmer, and spiritual activist Stephen Jenkinson is one of my most prominent mentors. After spending years in palliative care (what he calls ‘the death trade’) he recognized over and again a consistent death phobia that plagued the end of life. He traced the origins to the dominant culture, and the loss of our ability to be at home in the world.  Along with his wife Nathalie, they attempted the impossible – they created the Orphan Wisdom school, a teaching house to learn the skills of home and village-mindedness once again.

Do you have any daily habits? If so, what are they?
I’m on the road quite a bit and I have a hard time maintaining daily habits. The ones that do survive are the simple ones, like my morning coffee.

When do you know your work/life balance is off?
I recognize my work/life balance is off when I lose track of the basic joy of being alive. Work feels oppressive and never-ending. Relationships feel withered and burdensome. Usually it means I need to spend less time on the computer and more time outside. – along with saying ‘no’ to new projects, even though they’re often compelling.

Vulnerability is a challenge for most men – share a vulnerable moment from your life with us.
Recently, I invited a sharing circle with my close family. It was a long time coming, as I hadn’t had an honest and open conversation with them for almost a decade. Spending most of my time on the road, our lives had drifted further away from each other.  My family also inherited the Irish trait of avoiding sincerity with humour, which makes it difficult to really open up with each other. Therefore, creating the space for the circle was incredibly vulnerable.

What did you learn from it?
I’m happy to report the circle went very well and I wonder why I waited so long.

If you are or were going to be a mentor for another man, what is one piece of advice you would give him?
Finish things. It’s far too easy to start something, then let it flounder while you move on to the next compelling idea/project/relationship. You will be known by what you finish. That doesn’t necessary mean continue everything until it’s complete.  Respectfully bow out of a project if it’s no longer viable. Mercifully close that relationship if it’s become destructive or numbing. And learn to say no, rather than attempt to please everyone.

How do you be the best partner (Boyfriend/Husband- past or present)
Remain committed to your mission. Often, that which first attracted your partner to you is the first casualty when you alter your life for a relationship. And maintain a shared vision for why you are together, even if that will change over time. It could be raising kids. Building community. Making art.

Do you support any Charities or Not-for-profits? (Which one(s) and why?)
I’ve been a longtime supporter of Amnesty international, an important voice for human rights, and especially for those who have been wrongly imprisoned, tortured, and forgotten.

If your life had a theme song, what would it be?
“One Day They’ll Know” by Pretty Lights (Odesza Remix). This perfect fusion of two artists captures the epic feeling of driving down a sun-drenched coast or gazing out a plane window at the languid clouds below. I often find myself in these inbetween places, from one adventure to the next. This track beats back the feeling of overwhelm – reminding me life can only be experienced one day at a time.

Where do you see yourself in 3 years?
These next few years will see me touring my films Amplify Her and Healing of Love. Along the way, I’m also finishing a short from my time with Stephen Jenkinson called Lost Nation Road. I’m also gathering the wisdom of village-making – recognizing the importance of rebuilding structures of healing needed to create trust among people once again. This is especially true for men – who, in the wake of the rising feminine, need a new culture of true empowerment, solidarity and authenticity.

What legacy do you want to leave for future generations?
I see myself engaged in the necessary work of building a village on the West Coast, likely a gulf island. This is the real foundation of any future worth living. In the 1960’s the initial surge toward intentional community was sincere, but lacked the eldership necessary to plant the roots deep enough.  Today, that spiral is coming around again – only this time, we have the internet and emerging forms of decentralized decision-making and localized autonomy.  Combined with the grace and wisdom of indigenous peoples still connected to the land, and remembering our own ancestral lineages, we have the opportunity to collectively awake from the culture of separation into the joy of reunion – with each other and with all life.

What One book would you recommend for any Man?
“Iron John” by Robert Bly. This seminal book kickstarted the previous wave that became known as the Men’s Movement, and remains just as relevant today. While the specifics of each man’s life may be his own, there exists an archetypal substructure that each of us must navigate on the path to initiation. This book is a map.

If you know a Man that is making a positive impact on the world, we would love to hear from you! Contact us at [email protected]

Man Of The Week – Anthony Trucks

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Our newest Man Of The Week is Anthony Trucks, an author, speaker and former NFL player, for his ass-kicking story that has served as inspiration to people worldwide already. Life has been tough from the young age of three when Anthony was dropped off at a foster home where for the next few years he suffered abuse, starvation and repeatedly being told he was worthless. The roller-coaster that is Anthony’s life didn’t stop there with a terrible injury that ended his football career coupled with an unfaithful wife and the loss of his family and almost committed suicide. It’s fair to say life kicked Anthony’s ass!

How Anthony responded to his circumstances is the most incredible part of his story. J.K Rowling once said “Rock bottom is the foundation on which I rebuilt my life” and it is fair to say Anthony did the exact same thing. Hitting bottom made him realize his way of life was not working and in accepting that reality he was able to let go of the ego and limiting beliefs that held him back from truly living and enjoying life. Anthony learned mistakes are part of life and forgiving yourself creates the space for you to try again and truly enjoy life’s beauty. By stepping out of his comfort zone and being more open and vulnerable, Anthony was able to authentically connect with those around him, and also feel protected by self-depricating thoughts and by removing the world’s firepower against you. This is definitely a story you’ll want to read about, check out the full feature below!

Age – 32

What do you do? (Work)
I teach business owners, aspiring business owners, and those who just want freedom how to get out of their own way so they can finally get that freedom and enjoy their business and their life.

Why do you do it?
Because I am selfish. I grew up in foster care where I was beaten and starved, among other things, and I pretty much didn’t matter. I just want to matter to people and get the feeling that I receive when I help someone improve their life. I selfishly want to know that I mattered. The ONLY way I can get that feeling is to GENUINELY help someone. So I fully give of myself in every way to help so I can receive the feeling of knowing I made an impact.

How do you make a difference in the world? (Work, business, life, family, self)
For me it’s many ways. I’m a father, a brother, a friend, a coach, and in time a husband.

What are 3 defining moments in your life?
– The memory of my mum giving me away at 3 years old into foster care. It left me in a whirlwind that took many years to overcome. It’s a tough thing to endure a feeling of total worthlessness when not even your own mother loves you enough to keep you. I felt like I didn’t belong on this planet.
– The moment I heard a girl say “the reason I’m so bad is because I’m in foster care.” Those words shifted my soul because I never wanted that to be an excuse for why I wasn’t great in life. Those words were the catalyst to me growing into the man I am today because I wanted to be everything OPPOSITE of what someone who came from my past would become statistically.
– The moment I was holding the right hand of my adoptive and watching her take her last breath as she lost her 17-year battle with MS. That moment was the moment that I fully realized how much impact one human can have on another when they unconditionally love and support. I am who I am, and doing what I do now, because of that woman. Watching her leave this earth centered me to the knowing that I cannot bury my casket full of potential.

What is your life purpose?
I am meant to impact people who impact the world. I’m a vessel that is carrying tools to prepare other vessels to go out into the world.

How did you tap into it?
Life kicked my a** and I got tired of it. I lost my marriage and my family and it led me down a dark path that almost ended in me taking my life. It was then that I awoke. When I did, I started living more alive and more vibrantly than ever because I understood life more as I dropped my egoic barrier and gave myself permission to learn and grow more as a man and a human.

Who is your Role-Model or Mentor?
Right. Simply doing right. In my life I didn’t have many people I could trust to lead me positively. So for me doing what is right led me. Mostly because doing wrong is easier in most cases, whereas doing right is hard. I just do the hard work, and make the hard decisions, that are right. Even if it “feels” wrong, or difficult. I MUST be able to respect the man I see in the mirror every night before I lay my head down.

Do you have any daily habits? If so, what are they?
I take time to meditate daily and put my mind at ease before I start the day. If not I enter a world unprepared to handle what may be thrown at me.

When do you know your work/life balance is off?
At this point in my life I can literally feel it. Ill notice if I feel off for some reason and I’ll slow down and start being more cognoscente of what I’m feeling and what is going on in my world to make me feel that way. Then I address it and move forward.

Vulnerability is a challenge for most men – share a vulnerable moment from your life with us.
My ex wife had an affair and, after having grown up in foster care, it took from me the most important thing in my life. My family. I had an ego having been in the NFL and owning a gym at the time and it led me to a dark place. I felt I had nothing to live for. It wasn’t until the police found me through GPS and brought me home that I had to visit some deep truths within myself. I realized how much of my experiences were from my involvement, as much as I didn’t want to accept at first that they were. Although my ex wife had made a decision, I was part of the problem that led her to a place to even HAVE to make a decision. I am at fault for the failure of marriage and ensuing life consequences.

What did you learn from it?
We’re all imperfect. We all make mistakes. When you learn to own them you learn to make peace with yourself and life and you start to experience the world in a beautiful way. Being open and vulnerable also protects you from yourself and the world. Yourself because now you don’t beat yourself up and go dark, and the world because you take away the world’s firepower to use against you.

If you are or were going to be a mentor for another man, what is one piece of advice you would give him?
You’re human, not just a man. Everyone on this planet matters. Men, women, animals, everything. You don’t have to be an overpowering brute to be strong and gain respect. Be human and you’ll find that humanity will see a strength in you that will be more powerful than anything you could comprehend. Graceful strength.

How do you be the best partner (Boyfriend/Husband- past or present)
Communicate EVERYTHING. Be open about your fears, desires, frustrations, problems, etc. If not then you don’t give the other person the opportunity to truly support and connect to you. When you don’t connect you literally become your own roadblock to beautifully connected relationships.

Do you support any Charities or Not-for-profits? (Which one(s) and why?)
I support any at risk youth and foster organizations I can find. Royal family kids camp, foster a dream, hope and home, etc. I was a foster kid and I only WISH I had something like these organizations when I was in the system.

If your life had a theme song, what would it be?
Great question that I have yet to figure out. Something along the lines or “Trust Your Hustle” ……. I should get someone to write that song for me lol.

Where do you see yourself in 3 years?
Father of three amazing kids, and an owner of a thriving business that holds online courses and live events that transform people’s lives and businesses all over the world.

What legacy do you want to leave for future generations?
The legacy of finding the strength to live your life EXACTLY how you want it. I want my legacy to be proof that a good man who truly cared and gave existed when few thought one did.

What One book would you recommend for any Man?
The 7 habits of highly effective people

If you know a Man that is making a positive impact on the world, we would love to hear from you! Contact us at [email protected]

When Your Partner Isn't Attracted To You Anymore

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Do You Feel Entitled To Your Partner Feeling Attraction For You?

“But I am his wife!”
“She is my woman.”
“He hasn’t slept with me in over 2 months.”
“She is always turning down sex.”
I often hear things like these in my dating, intimacy, and relationship coaching practice and although each relationship is complex and unique, I want to talk about attraction today and why we need to be aware of how it works.
There may be an attraction problem if our partner doesn’t desire us as much as they used to.
When it comes to attraction and desire we need to understand one thing, you can’t ask someone to desire you and be attracted to you.
Someone is attracted to you based on how you show up in your life and theirs.
A relationship label is never an excuse to assume attraction either.
Just because he is your husband or she is your girlfriend doesn’t mean he or she should desire you automatically and vice versa.
If your partner doesn’t desire you as much as you want, you need to take a deeper look at the polarity in the relationship. Are you both showing up as attractive to each other?
Not understanding the dynamics of connection and attraction is what often leads couples who began with a lot of passion into leveling out and over time feeling more like friends or roommates than lovers.
With a group of women I coach, I recently shared this example about a woman opening up sexually when masculine energy is around.
I asked them the following:
“Let’s say you meet a man and date long distance. The relationship progresses and now he asks you to move to his city to be with him. So you drop everything and move across the country to be with your man and when you arrive, feeling scared and unsettled, he is needy and asking you for sex everyday, and then taking it personally as he wonders out loud to you why you don’t want him… how would that make you feel?”
There was a collective distaste over every woman’s face. Many of their faces said, “heck no!”
Then I asked:
“But what if he was focused on making everything smooth, solving problems, helping you land and be safe, being the leader needed at that moment, what would that do for you?”
Every woman instantly smiled a sexy little smile and had a very happy look on her face.
There are many attraction triggers for men and women, but I’ll share one that is very strong for women.
When a woman has sex it increases her chances of getting pregnant. It is therefore in her biology to assess safety and assure herself of it before having sex, because if she gets pregnant she becomes vulnerable. If she isn’t safe, her child will be at risk.
So, if a man focuses less on his feelings of being rejected by his woman sexually and steps up as her man by funneling that energy into creating safety around her, it helps her feel like she is with a directional, grounded and strong man who is un-reactive at a time when she may feel reactive (scared, ungrounded, unsettled).
She will then feel at ease in his capable hands and soften out of her masculine energy, into her feminine, and open herself up sexually.
A shift in perception is sometimes required rather than the usual way people often deal with these situations — by taking them as a personal rejection.
These moments are always an invitation to step up into a greater version of ourselves and into deeper understanding of the attraction triggers in our partners.
Read More By Giordana Toccaceli
“Why Women Stay in Relationships with Emotionally Unavailable Men”

12966291_10153439436716332_855021454_nGiordana Toccaceli is an International Dating, Relationship and Intimacy Expert having worked with thousands of women and men around the world to become their most attractive and magnetic selves and attract incredible partners into their lives in record time.
Giordana has worked with a wide range of clients from Top CEOs, Billionaires, successful entrepreneurs, professional athletes, actors, models and every day men and women. She is a regular contributor to Univision TV’s morning show “Despierta Austin” and the Founder of Woman’s Allure and the Co-Founder of Embody Love Project.
Book a free Discovery Session today and find out what’s holding you back from feeling deep freedom, vibrant health, and alignment in your life. Access your free gift today: Get Giordana’s Heal Your Heart” 10 Minute Meditation.

 
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