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Malina Parmar

Should You Break Up With Your Partner If You Can’t Handle Their Sexual Past?

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Dealing With Retroactive Jealousy

It happens to all of us at some point. We meet someone new, and then sooner or later they tell us about their sexual history (because we asked or they offered).
Learning that our partner once enjoyed threesomes, had several ongoing “friends-with-benefits” relationships, or slept with over 60 people can leave us reeling in a sea of obsessive over-thinking, judgment, and anxiety.
Sometimes this can blow over in a couple of hours or days. But in other cases it can spiral out of control into an OCD-like pattern of negative thoughts and emotions. And it gets really bad when we end up attacking our partner for something they did in the past.
This can go on for months — or even years — and is known as “retroactive jealousy”.
I used to suffer from this condition myself after learning about my girlfriend’s former sexual history. But I managed to beat it by myself and am now a retroactive jealousy coach, helping others do the same.

Here’s The Big Question: Should I Break Up With My Partner If I Can’t Handle His or Her Past?

Clients often ask me this. In fact, I had an email just the other day from a guy who asked this very question (I’ve changed his name).
Dear Jeff,
I’ve been with my girl for six months now. She’s 23 and I’m 25.
She’s had two boyfriends and said she’s slept with 30 dudes. It’s starting to play on my mind and makes me feel ill. It pops into my mind during sex.
She’s a great girl, loving, fun, seems loyal. But I’m thinking about dumping her because of how sick her past makes me feel.
What should I do?
Andrew
I can more than understand where Andrew is coming from. There are thousands of others like him. In fact, I’ve spoken to hundreds of them. These feelings can be so overpowering that we feel like just running away from the problem and moving on to someone new.
However, this is a big mistake, which is what I told Andrew in my reply to his email. The problem is not with our partners — it’s within ourselves.

Stepping Out of Ego

To suffer from retroactive jealousy means we’re not looking at the situation rationally. We’re letting our egoic mind — the part of our brain programmed to deal with fear — dictate our emotions and behaviors.
We become overly judgmental.
So, to leave a partner because of our own jealous, judgmental, fearful hang-ups is blatantly ridiculous. We may feel a momentary relief from the hang-ups once our partner has gone, but I can promise you that these same feelings will only resurface again later when we meet someone else.
Unless you only plan on dating virgins in the future, the problem of a partner’s sexual history is always going to be a problem. In fact, I’ve worked with clients where this affliction follows them from relationship to relationship, much like the evil spirit in a horror movie.
So, instead of leaving, the sensible thing to do is face up to the fact that there’s an internal problem and get to work dealing with it. Ultimately it comes down to this:

  1. Do you want to fight to regain control of your mind and be with someone you love and who loves you? Or…
  2. Do you want to leave your partner and probably wind up with exactly the same issue down the road with someone else?

If you suffer from retroactive jealousy and want to go with option #1, make a commitment that from this day forward that you’re going to do something about it, because the problem lies within your own lack of self-confidence and judgmental attitude, not in your partner.
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Jeff Billings no bgJeff Billings is the author of the best-selling book “How To Stop Being Jealous Of Your Partner’s Past In 12 Steps.” To find out more about how to overcome retroactive jealousy, you can contact him at his website Retroactive Jealousy Crusher.

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Man Of The Week – Dean Smith

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There are many moments in life where you feel like the rug was pulled from under you, or when someone shares a ground-breaking perspective on life that you’ve never considered. These moments come from the people around us, but also from within. A lot of the time, doing your own personal reflection can also help reshape the way you see the world and how you want to show up by asking yourself the tough questions. For Dean Smith, his tough questions were “What can I create, how can I create it, and how will it serve others?”

Dean is our newest Man Of The Week and boy does he an incredible and powerful story. A man who believes in being of service to others, showing love and support for those around you, and forgiveness being critical to his success. A man who’s weathered his fare share of life’s storms, from having his mother murdered to rekindling his love and bond with his wife Molly, Dean personifies what it means to love and connect with people regardless of their performance. Today he is a speaker, coach and the Director of Executive Coaching for the Og Mandino Leadership Institute. Check out the rest of his story below!

Age: 42 years old

What do you do? (Work)
Keynote Speaker / High-Performance Coach / Minister

Why do you do it?
There’s nothing more fulfilling than helping someone discover a new possibility for their life. For many years I lived “survival focused.” I internally asked, “why me?” My life changed course when I began asking, “What can I create, how can I create it, and how will it serve others?” My purpose, passion, and fulfillment is found in utilizing all my life’s experiences, challenges, and successes to serve others.

How do you make a difference in the world? (Work, business, life, family, self)
I’m grateful to be the Director of Executive Coaching for the Og Mandino Leadership Institute. This fancy title means I get to assist successful professional’s overcome challenges and reach consistently high levels of personal and business performance.

What are 3 defining moments in your life?
– In sixth grade, the day my mom was murdered was a day that changed my life forever. That day birthed my biggest life challenge, but it also was the beginning of the revelation to the deep truth that all things can work together for good.
– 2004 The day that I decided in the inner-most part of my heart that divorce with my wife, Molly would not ever be an option again. I had considered it many times over the first two years of marriage and at one point decided I didn’t love her AT ALL anymore. After taking the divorce option off the table, I was forced to find solutions. I can honestly report that it was the beginning of an intense relational healing process and we’ve never been happier as a couple. We have two beautiful children that are a constant reminder of the rewards of fighting through the tough times in marriage.
– 2009, I stood on a stage in front of hundreds of people, talking about my forgiveness journey. Toward the end of my talk, I invited the man who murdered my mother up on stage (it should be noted that he’d already paid for his crimes with 12 years in prison). That was the day my sister forgave him too. My journey to forgive, reconcile with and help save the life of the man that murdered my mom was made into an award-winning, internationally distributed documentary entitled, ‘Live To Forgive’.

What is your life purpose?
To help other’s know Truth, optimize attitudes, and live in the fullness of their God-given potential.

How did you tap into it?
My journey was founded on a relationship with God.
1) Prayer  2) Listening  3) Make lots of mistakes 4) Repeat steps 1-3

Who is your Role-Model or Mentor?
Pastor Rex Bell. He is my fifth and final dad since age 12. He adopted me after my mom’s death. He mentored me, verbally encouraged me, and helped me to learn about loving people and God. Rex was a very busy pastor but he spent quality time with me daily, imparting wisdom and listening. His love and guidance helped build my character and confidence.

Do you have any daily habits? If so, what are they?
Start my day with lots of intentionally-edifying thoughts, verbal affirmations, prayer, and inspiring music. When I look over all my specific responsibilities, meetings, and to-do’s for the day, I say aloud, “I want to, I get to, and I choose to” rather than “I have to, I should, and I must.” This framing helps keep me inspired and passionate that I am engaging in tasks that are ultimately helping me achieve my goals and live a life of purpose.

When do you know your work/life balance is off?
When my wife looks at me with weary kaleidoscope eyes I know it’s time to refocus from work mode to family mode. I’ve made that mistake so many times that now my inner compass is a bit more developed than a decade ago. For my wife’s sake, I’m always striving to be the “Anti-Kaleidoscope Man.” I’ve interviewed dozens of world-changers and when I ask them what would you do different, a majority expresses regret about not spending more time with family.

Vulnerability is a challenge for most men – share a vulnerable moment from your life with us.
I left a successful sales career to pursue an entrepreneurial dream and after 3 years discovered that I had unintentionally left my wife (Molly) behind (figuratively speaking) and our financial situation became dire.  Molly was embittered and our marriage was struggling. To remedy the situation and bring healing to our relationship, I went back to corporate America (which was initially humiliating and humbling) to provide financial stability. Also, I re-prioritized my marriage. Interestingly, I now help other’s avoid this same pitfall during my keynotes and one-on-coaching clients. It was hard to believe I’d made so many unwise choices while trying so hard to do the right thing. In time, I realized that only productive questions would serve my purpose.

What did you learn from it?
If you’re not in unity with your wife, the foundation of personal and business success will be unstable

If you are or were going to be a mentor for another man, what is one piece of advice you would give him?
Look into your life and discover where you are making the same mistakes repeatedly, find the source of sabotaging thoughts that are keeping you in bondage. Learn to transform/change them to work for you.
Forgive and love when the other person clearly doesn’t deserve it. It may be one of the most manly things you ever do.
Pray

How do you be the best partner (Boyfriend/Husband- past or present)
Consciously live in/with Agape love (a heightened sense of awareness). This means I choose to love regardless of performance. I simply love her because I love her. Forgiveness, grace, verbal affirmations are as normal and natural as breathing. It creates an atmosphere of safety and security (for her) and respect (for me).

Do you support any Charities or Not-for-profits? (Which one(s) and why?)
I’m the founder/director of ‘Live To Forgive Ministries’ which helps people unshackle from bitterness, anger, and resentment and experience freedom in their minds and relationships. This freedom usually leads to business breakthrough, too.

If your life had a theme song, what would it be?
The Word by The Beatles

Where do you see yourself in 3 years?
Spending lots of quality time with my wife and kids—oh and speaking internationally as a Transformational Speaker. Also, making Forgiveness University the premier online resource for all things forgiveness.

What legacy do you want to leave for future generations?
I’ve attended several funerals lately of dear friends and family. As I intently listened to the eulogies, I received a deep impression that the greatest and most influential legacy we can leave is a legacy of love. I want to be remembered as someone who loved hard and helped others experience the freedom and fulfillment of doing the same.

What One book would you recommend for any Man?
‘The Greatest Salesman in the World’ by Og Mandino

Who is one Man you think our readers would love to read about in future ‘Man Of The Week’ features?
DAVE ROWE: who listened and reacted to the messages received during a Near Death Experience and now strives to help men make changes in their lives to be the best version of their authentic selves without needing to come so close to death.

Dead Men: Our Quiet Suicide Epidemic

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In journalism school we’re taught to avoid covering suicide outside of extreme circumstances. There’s a multitude of potential ramifications: copycats, contagion, grieving families looking to maintain privacy, and the stigma surrounding exploiting someone’s personal choice for public profit.
I grew up in a culture where suicide was considered the coward’s way out. People who took their own lives were eternally smeared. We were led to believe they were only thinking of themselves, leaving loved ones to sort out the ‘why’ and pick up the pieces. They left behind responsibilities, tagging themselves with the mark of giving up on life.
It was a dastardly act, heinous and frowned upon; shameful, something to hide and bury as quickly as possible. Males in particular were told to toughen up and grit it out. If you killed yourself, you were no doubt less of a man. You couldn’t hack it, you couldn’t cut it in this rough and callous world. Sympathy and empathy were hard to come by, like squeezing blood from a very stubborn stone.
To be honest, I think this is bullshit.

The Numbers Don’t Lie

In 2011 Dan Bilsker published a piece in the British Columbia Medical Journal titled The Silent Epidemic of Male Suicide. In his report, Bilsker outlined the ghostlike crisis we’ve been actively ignoring for years with glaring ineptitude.
Suicide is one of the top three causes of mortality among men ages 15 to 44 in BC. Men are also three times more likely to kill themselves than women. And this is not an isolated incident, it’s a worldwide trend. The male suicide rate increases fairly steadily with age, peaking in the late 40s, falling briefly, then rising again in the 80s. In addition, male rates are greater than female rates at all ages, and substantially greater across most of each’s lifespan.
It’s when you break the numbers down they become truly frightening.
Each week in Canada alone, 50 men take their own life. That’s about seven a day, one every three hours. Right now as you read this, a man in Canada is thinking of killing himself, and will do so shortly. Someone you know, or may have met briefly, is so depressed, he thinks life is no longer worth living. But nobody’s talking about male suicide. In fact, we’ve never really been a society to talk about the death of our men by their own hands.
When we do, it’s glamourized and glorified; a soldier lying down on a grenade to save his platoon, whisking a bomb away to rescue a damsel in distress, a city or even the planet. On their way out, they get their moment in the sun, basking in honour, valiant in death, remembered for eternity as a self-less hero.
What about the oilfield workers losing their jobs right now due to the price crash? Suicide rates for men have spiked as much as 30% in Alberta since the shock took over our national economy. As their debt mounts and job prospects flounder, where’s their Shakespearian denouement?
To say this is not a public health crisis would be to ignore the very fabric woven into modern society: that our men are awash with personal suffering, and most of it takes place in deafening silence. How many of those oil field workers feel as if they exist in a culture where reaching out, seeking counselling or talking about depression is okay? Chances are it’s as close to zero as you can get.
Regardless of your stance on energy policy, right now we need these men (and women) to power our lives, but when it comes to offering them support through a very tough economic time, we have, and continue to abandon them because they’re “rig pigs” who just want to get drunk, snort coke and blow their paycheques.
But do we ever stop to think maybe they’re partially trapped in a culture where the only way to mask mental suffering is by drinking heavily and doing drugs? I’m not saying they’re solely victims of circumstance, but it’s time we realized we all create culture, we all construct our environments.
I’ve worked on those rigs, I know those guys, and a lot of them are incredibly intelligent and thoughtful men who are just scared shitless to share their feelings because they’ll be called a ‘pussy’ or a ‘fag’.
That’s terrible, but we do not fix the culture by ignoring it or casting it with permanent dye. These men need our help to break their own cycle of silence, because they don’t feel comfortable asking for it. Instead they’re putting guns to their heads and pulling the triggers. This is everyone’s problem.
In today’s 24/7 news cycle not much sticks anymore. We’re all sufficiently whipped into a frenzy, we run to our social media handle of choice, vent profusely, then reload for the next argument, the next shaming, the next witch hunt. We’ve each received our own soapbox, and have let narcissism drive our words, pouring our hearts and souls onto the masses with little regard for remorse or consequence.
It’s no wonder we find the news depressing in 2016, it’s a sheet blanket of white noise perpetuated by fear, powered by conflict and driven by mob rule. I myself am just as much to blame as anyone, I read those stories, I click on those links, I make my own bed every night. But nothing shook me like a series of articles I stumbled upon this summer, temporarily breaking my hamster wheel trance of perpetual infotainment.
I came across an article in The Atlantic a few months back. It wasn’t a huge piece, a few paragraphs at best. What it detailed left me awake for most of the night. While everyone is warning of some external foe that might come murder us, we’re all quietly taking our own lives at an ever-growing rate.
We’re statistically forgoing pills and choosing guns, leaving behind cries for help and committing fully to what some call the ultimate shameful act. Suicide rates are not only a crisis, but a growing one in record numbers—men, women, the graphs across the board are going up.
The Atlantic piece outlined a CDC National Centre report that found suicide rates in the U.S. were the highest they’d been in three decades, increasing almost 25% from 1999-2014. Men once again topped the list, with those aged 45-64 the most likely to take their own life.
A few weeks before that, The Atlantic published a precursor piece, longer and more in depth: Why Are So Many Middle-Aged White Americans Dying? The article, with a handful of corresponding graphs, cited another study by the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, outlining what they called “despair deaths”.
Numbers rose on a bell curve much like skyrocketing consumer debt, housing prices and carbon dioxide emissions. These deaths included drug overdoses and alcohol-related liver diseases. You’re either actively killing yourself, or taking passive-aggressive steps towards it.
Anyone who has the wherewithal to drink, smoke, snort or inject their bodies until their heart stops beating has lost all grip on sanity; logic no more, faith long gone and washed away with the receding tide of reason.
But this festering, growing epidemic of dead men is going unnoticed and unreported. Even though The National Center for Health Statistics called suicide a “national security crisis”, the story barely cracked the international headlines, and was gone from the news cycle within the span of about six days.
Invariably swept under our collective rug, brushed aside into the corner of our culture, we’re more attuned to frivolous threats, vast fields of red herrings and the fear-mongering panderings of election cycle demagogues. We don’t pay much attention to something that kills while simultaneously sending a chilling statement about our current societal makeup: in an age of fear, our priorities are horribly misplaced.
We’d rather call bullshit and ignore this problem. We’d rather continue to let men take their own lives at record levels, refusing to cover them, refusing to acknowledge them as anything but shameful, and refusing to talk about our problems for fear of social repercussions.
Well fuck that.
I’ve had more than a few dark periods in my life. Yes I was depressed, and yes I thought about suicide, and yes it’s tough to write these words without shame creeping into my psyche. I’ve been conditioned to feel guilty, not proud, that at certain times in my life I was surviving more than thriving.
Life can be incredibly fucking hard at times, and I was doing myself no favours by thinking this was something I should suffer through internally. That I should ‘man up’ and grit my teeth. I drank too much–self-medicating–and this was fine, it was an acceptable facet of society. I was a dude, and my life was shit, so I could at least go out, get wasted and mask my problems.
It only made things worse.
But instead of continuing down this path I sought help, I spoke to people and professional counsellors, I talked about my internal, personal issues with those I loved and trusted. I went online and did research, I used the internet to educate myself about why I was such a mess.
Suicide is not a shameful act, and suicide is something we need to be okay talking about, out in the open, because it’s killing us as much as any other chronic disease. This external dialogue I embarked upon helped me get through a very dark period in my life and find a new voice inside my head, one that expresses feelings instead of unhealthily bottling them up. I’m still a man, and in 2016, the fact I’m willing to talk about my problems makes me more so today, not less.
What still continues to give me pause however is my own personal situation. Everyday I’m bombarded with death threats from external forces—terrorists, heart disease, maniacs with guns, the list is endless.
I’m told there’s so many things out there that want to kill me: ISIS jihadists, cholesterol, cancer, sharks, and second-hand smoke. But the chilling statistic is one that still lurks below the surface, one I have to face everyday, regardless of the strides I’ve made over the years towards a better outlook on life and a positive mental health mindset.
That the biggest threat to my life remains myself.
Read More By Patrick Blennerhassett on the ManTalks Blog:
Letting Go of the Physicality of My Youth
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Patrick Blennerhassett is a Vancouver-based writer and journalist. His non-fiction novel A Forgotten Legend: Balbir Singh Sr., Triple Olympic Gold & Modi’s New India was featured in such outlets as Maclean’s, the Vancouver Sun and on CBC. His fourth book The Fatalists, will be released this October.
 
 
 
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The Art of Giving Back: An Unconventional Approach to Negotiation

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April 2015: “I’m torn. I want to work with this conference in Guadalajara, but they can’t afford my keynote fee. I could give them a discount, but I’ve noticed that the clients who pay reduced rates end up treating me poorly.”
C*: “So, basically, they’re asking you to donate a chunk of your time and energy, right?”
Me: “Yeah, that’s one way of looking at it.”
C*: “Respond by asking them to donate their time and energy. Get the conference to do a community service project or something similar in exchange for the discount. If they’re open to it, then it’s a win all around.”
Me: “You’re a genius.”
When I told the conference coordinator that I’d be happy to offer a discount in exchange for community service, she leapt at the opportunity. The end result was amazing. Together, we activated hundreds – maybe thousands – of hours of community service. It was magic.

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One of the hidden-in-plain-sight secrets about the human experience is that we are all deeply connected. Another secret: we all belong to one another. Many people succeed at creating amazing lives for themselves while still feeling like something is missing. This sense of lack or hollowness is a result of forgetting to invest in other people’s success as well as your own. Ultimately, a failure to invest in others’ happiness and stability is a failure to invest in yourself.
Fortunately, there are simple and effective ways to use your existing job – whether you’re a business owner, executive, or employee – to improve the world around you.

The uncomfortable tension between making money and being generous

Many of the most talented people I’ve met used to dream of making the world a better place. Now, they hide behind lies of powerlessness by telling themselves, “I can’t change the world” or “I’ll focus on giving back when I’m rich.”
And I get it. What they’re really trying to do is resolve two truths that seem to contradict one another:

  1. Making money for the sake of making money is inescapable. You have to pay the bills. Unfortunately, the mere act of making money and being successful, while addictive, is not intrinsically fulfilling.
  2. Being generous for the sake of being generous is extremely fulfilling. (1) Unfortunately, it’s also unsustainable on its own; the act of generosity does not usually generate enough income to live off of.

In an ideal world the solution is simple: dedicate half of your time to making a living and the other half to giving back.
But the reality is much more complicated. Volunteering can always be pushed to a later date, while paying the bills can’t. As a result, many people find that their goals change from giving back, to making enough, to making more. That’s exactly what happened to me. When I started working, I focused on reducing global poverty, but the demands of the real world interfered with my plans. Without noticing, I began spending more time thinking about my sales cycle and less time figuring out how to help others.
It was only when C* suggested requesting a volunteer project in exchange for a discount that I returned to using my business for social good. The trick is to harness what you’re already doing for the better good.

Using your job to give back part 1: entrepreneurs, executives, and people who can negotiate

If you’re a business owner or an executive, the approach I recommend is simple: if a client needs a discount, offer the discount in exchange for community service. This strategy can be effective with a wide variety of customers. I’ve used it with speaking, consulting, and coaching clients. C*, the friend who gave me this idea, works in film production, and he’s used it with his clients as well.

A few guidelines to make this feasible and effective:

  • Request a small amount of community service if your client needs a small discount. If they need a large discount, ask for a large amount of community service. On one side of the spectrum, I’ve asked for entire organizations to dedicate a full day to volunteering. On the other, I’ve requested that everyone involved bring a can of food for the local food pantry.
  • Focus on organizations that serve your client’s community. This makes it easier for your clients to say yes. It also extends the reach of your generosity, which is a deeply satisfying feeling.
  • Make sure that your client has partnered with a reputable organization that you respect. In other words, if you’re not an animal lover, and your client proposes working with the local animal shelter, politely decline and suggest a different organization. It’s important that you feel great about the social good you’re creating. Personally, I’m disturbed by poverty and homelessness. Because of this, I request that my clients partner with organizations addressing these issues.
  • Most importantly: take time to feel the impact that you’re creating. Your generosity and creativity benefits you, your client, and a group of benefactors. That’s true power. You deserve to feel amazing for becoming one of the people who actively makes our world a better place. If more people behaved like you, everyone would be better off.

Why this works: if you’ve ever given a discount to a client, there’s a good chance that you felt weird about it. I used to. In fact, many of the clients I formerly gave discounts to treated me worse than the clients who paid full price. (2)

There are two schools of thought as to why this happens. The first believes that people who are likely to negotiate tend to be high maintenance and difficult to work with. The other believes that when you negotiate, you signal that you are low-status and easily pushed around.
I don’t buy either of those theories. People treat us how we allow them to. If you give a discount without asking for something equivalent in return, you’ve indicated that you don’t fully believe in the value of what you’re selling. (3) By asking for something valuable -like your client’s time and energy- in exchange for a discount, you signal that you’re confident in your ability to deliver.

Using your job to give back part 2: employees, bosses, and owners

As crazy as it sounds, employees can use their company’s resources to give back to the local community too. The trick is to help your boss understand how she and the company benefit by getting involved with community service.
Here’s how to do it:
Begin by finding an organization that is somehow related to your company. Though there doesn’t have to be a logical connection between your company and the organization, having one helps. A few examples:

  • An accounting firm partnering with a mathematics tutoring center
  • An ice-cream stand partnering with a homeless shelter
  • A summer camp partnering with an overseas HIV/AIDS program for children (4).

If you can’t find a logical connection between your company and a philanthropic organization, aim to partner with an organization in your community. Local ties are very appealing to business owners.

  • Make volunteering beneficial for the company. The easiest way to do this is to contact the local media and let them know about your company’s efforts. Don’t overthink this. It’s the journalist’s job to cover local events. Most of them welcome tips about stories in their community. Of course, this is also a huge win for the company because it will generate free publicity and media coverage.
  • Schedule a time to chat with your boss. I suggest sending your boss an email asking if she’d be available for 15 minutes to discuss a new project.
  • Start by asking for a small commitment. Make it as easy as possible for your boss to say yes. A few guidelines: Ask if you and any interested employees could spend one Friday afternoon volunteering. Mention that Friday afternoon is the perfect time for volunteer work because employee engagement is already low. Tell her that you’ll handle the logistics and organization. Let her know that all you really need is her permission. Mention that this project can bring good publicity for the company, and to increase the likelihood of this happening, you will personally reach out to at least three journalists before and after the event. If you come prepared with a list of journalists and their contact information, it will be even easier for your boss to give you permission. Remind your boss, if appropriate, that creating an opportunity to serve the less fortunate will boost company morale. Tell her that you’d love it if she joined, too.
  • Pause to appreciate how exceptional you are, regardless of the outcome. If more people cared as much as you do we would have fewer problems and more joy. The world needs people like you. I hope you pause to feel good about that.
  • After the volunteer experience, have everyone sign a card for your boss and the owner of the company. You want to make your boss feel proud of the good work that “she” enabled. Yes, you’re really the one who did all of this, but it’s beneficial to give the credit away. Doing so will make your boss feel important and make her more likely to green light volunteer projects in the future. Also, repeat step five.
  • Assuming everything went well, ask if you can do this once a quarter. There’s a very good chance that your boss will say yes.

I know that a lot of people are going to dismiss this idea, telling themselves it would never work at their company. If this is you, my hope is simple: challenge your assumption by talking to your boss and seeing what happens (5). To dismiss an idea that excites you, without even attempting it, is to fail before you’ve begun.

The myth of powerlessness

It’s unrealistic for most people to dedicate their lives to building a better world. Because of this, many of the most generous, kind, and capable people have fallen victim to the toxic myth that their need to make money negates their desire to make a real difference in our world.
While this is a common belief, it’s also divorced from reality. No matter where you are in your job or business, there is always a way to generate profit while contributing to the creation of a better community. Anything less should be considered a failure to express your true power, creativity, and generosity.
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  1. By “being generous for the sake of being generous,” I mean giving for the joy of knowing that your actions have improved someone’s life. This is very different than giving for the sake of receiving.
  2. Case in point: the last time I gave a client a discount without asking for something significant in return, she was slow to respond to my emails and payment was nearly five months late.
  3. And honestly, if you don’t fully believe in what you’re selling, you shouldn’t be selling it.
  4. It’s tempting to dismiss this idea as being wayyyyyy too far fetched to work. It’s not. The summer camp I used to work at (the best summer camp in the world, Camp Nashoba North) did exactly that, and I was the volunteer. While I was the only one who was sent overseas, they routinely send counselors to volunteer at Camp Sunshine, a local program for terminally ill children and their families.
  5. Can we have a bit of real talk for a second? One of the biggest problems in our world is that talented, generous people, like yourself, often fail to take action. They reject themselves and their ideas before they’ve even tried them. At an individual level, that’s sad because you aren’t realizing your true power or happiness. At a societal level, that’s tragic. So, please, if you’re sitting here thinking, “Oh, that’s a nice idea, Jason, but it’d never work,” at least try to make it happen. My bet is that you’ll be pleasantly surprised by your own ability. And if things don’t work out, feel free to send me a “Told ya so” email.

Read More By Jason Connell on the ManTalks Blog
How Should a Man be at 30?
5 Things About Sobriety That Surprised Me
Looking for Happiness? First Let the Cripping Pain of Existence Destroy You
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Jason Connell is a speaker and writer who teaches confidence, self-love, and self-compassion. He’s worked with everyone from Senior members of the Obama administration and professional athletes to middle school students and emerging entrepreneurs. He shares his thoughts on life, authenticity, and power at: JasonConnell.co.
 

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Man Of The Week – Aaron Phillips

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Here at Man Of The Week, we seldom get to highlight and recognize Men in the technology field. Recently we were introduced to Aaron Phillips, who is the CEO of AP1 Inc, and he shared with us his vision of leveraging technology to further engage society in their current physical environment. The uses are endless, from sending out amber alerts to sharing historic information about the part of town you are in, beacon management allows for greater communication between different facets of your environment. As a person, Aaron is kind, positive and dedicated to creating a legacy that leaves the world in a better place but also reminding us that we each have that responsibility to positively impact the world around us. Aaron has faced his share of hardship and today believes that life is full of ups and downs, it is up to each and every one of us to decide what to make of it, and how we want to react to it. Only then can you act with true clarity and intention.

Age – 35 years of age

What do you do? (Work)
I am the founder and CEO of AP1 Inc.
We have become leaders in beacon management infrastructure, specializing in offering proximity-based solutions through our strategic partnerships and beacon-agnostic management platform. Our solutions are designed to enhance the utility of mobile applications to provide mobile engagement in a physical environment.
The platform enables organizations to remotely manage beacons, scale deployments and address numerous levels of security. In addition, the platform offers access to proximity-based capabilities, capturing real-time data on user activity, providing relevant information in location and context aware-engagement that transcends from online to brick and mortar.
The solutions are designed to enhance the utility of existing mobile applications and can be integrated with additional data sets to ensure business intelligence is accurate and comprehensive.
From activation to loyalty, eCommerce to POS, AP1 delivers solutions to optimize branding and enhance the consumer experience.

Why do you do it?
I have a passion for all technology, communication and culture. I believe that beacon and proximity based technology is game changing. Our goal is to reduce complexity and cost, making it more accessible to businesses on a global scale.

How do you make a difference in the world? (Work, business, life, family, self)
One person at a time. Try to stay positive no matter the obstacle and at the end of the day aim to inspire people to fulfill their own individual goals, to make a small difference in the world.

What are 3 defining moments in your life?
– My grade 6 teacher inadvertently helped me realize that I was not going to pursue a traditional educational path. I felt that it would stifle my creativity, cap my passion, and limit my ability to critically think.
– I seriously injured myself while living in Whistler, pursuing a professional sports career, where it was truly a defining moment how fragile life can be, how one should nurture and take care of their body
– Starting this company, having to pivot along the way, and being a serial entrepreneur, entering into start-up land.

What is your life purpose?
To affect change, and leave a legacy for the world to be a better place for all those that exist now, and those who will come after.

How did you tap into it?
I always have had a passion for learning, history, technology, and politics. I have always been driven to get involved in this space.

Who is your Role-Model or Mentor?
Nikola Tesla, big time, for all the ground work he laid for humanity, and Elon Musk for how he is leveraging that foundation.

Do you have any daily habits? If so, what are they?
I try to spend at least 1-2 hours reading – to learn something new every day.

When do you know your work/life balance is off?
That is a tough question. The nature of running a start up and going the entrepreneurial route, at some capacity you give up a lot of your time, your freedom. You understand that what you are working towards, is something much grander than you.

Vulnerability is a challenge for most men – share a vulnerable moment from your life with us.
Becoming a CEO of a new and growing company and having to manage a large group of very intelligent people. Giving up control over aspects of the business and having faith as to what needs to be done and delivered. Having everything on the line for what you believe in.

What did you learn from it?
You got to do it. You can never give up. The nature of growth is to give up control and step outside of your comfort zone, and trust your intuition. Do the best that you can, every day.

If you are or were going to be a mentor for another man, what is one piece of advice you would give him?
You never fail, until you give up. Stay focused on your goals. The light is there, at the end of the tunnel. You are not in control of what happens to you in life, but you are in control of how you think and react.

How do you be the best partner (Boyfriend/Husband- past or present)
Be unconditionally positive, loving, understanding and kind. Good things and bad things happen all the time. Life is a series of challenges, but you should never hold on to the past.

Do you support any Charities or Not-for-profits? (Which one(s) and why?)
There are no major associations I support at the moment. I am a philanthropist at heart and very much look forward to the day to shift my energy on giving back.  When I do, I see myself focusing on conduits that will affect more of a direct change in people’s lives than specifically supporting existing organizations.

If your life had a theme song, what would it be
“Don’t worry, Be happy” by Bobby McFerrin

Where do you see yourself in 3 years?
I would like to see AP1 Inc. mature into a successful global brand, making the impossible, possible.

What legacy do you want to leave for future generations?
I would say that my answer would be similar to number six.

What One book would you recommend for any Man?
As a man Thinketh – James Allen

If you know a Man that is making a positive impact on the world, we would love to hear from you! Contact us at [email protected]

Man Of The Week – Vlad Rascanu

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Our newest Man Of The Week is Vlad Rascanu, the owner of 80 Proof Digital, a Toronto-based marketing agency that focuses on search engine optimization. Without trying to get too technical, Vlad helps small to larger sized businesses become discoverable on Google’s search results. Unknown to him that he would find his purpose in some of his earliest work experiences, Vlad quickly learned that the work he does for his clients and partners can change their livelihood. From being three months away from losing their business and foreclosing on their home, Vlad’s clients have seen their businesses become profitable and gain new business all from Google’s search engine. Vlad is a man who believes giving back to the community is an essential part of entrepreneurship, his efforts to help not-for-profits and charities have resulted in them receiving over $1 million in advertising grants from Google. A man driven by ambition and the desire to inspire future generations, read on to learn how the sacrifices Vlad made to launch his business have resulted in small businesses being given a platform to share their message and raise funds for important causes.

Age – 28 

What do you do? (Work)
I’m the owner of 80 Proof Digital, a digital marketing agency based out of Downtown Toronto. We focus on SEO and Paid Search. Even though our main target market is enterprise-level clients, we also work with small to mid-sized businesses, and provide pro-bono services to not-for-profit organizations and charities.

Why do you do it?
Behind every business are families whose lives depend on its success. I want their companies to thrive because if they thrive than my own company will thrive in return.
At 80 Proof Digital, we pride ourselves with being a boutique but highly skilled agency. We work hard daily to ensure the success of our clients.

How do you make a difference in the world? (Work, business, life, family, self)
I helped nonprofit organizations raise over 1 Million dollars in advertising dollars from Google Grants. This money helped these organizations make a positive difference in the world. In addition, the services we provide help all my clients grow their businesses which in return allows them and us to create jobs.

What are 3 defining moments in your life?
– When I first started working in the industry, one of my first clients was a client in the home improvement industry. He only had enough money to pay me for 3 months of SEO work and if I couldn’t help him he would have had to close down his company and he would have lost his home. Within 3 months he started seeing a profit on his investment and within 6 months he was dominating Google’s results pages and generating a lot of leads. This was when I realized the positive difference that I can make in other people’s lives with SEO.
– When I started my agency, 80 Proof Digital. It was the most difficult thing I’ve ever done; going from a six figure income with zero stress at work and absolutely loving my job to making no income and hating every second of what I was doing under a tremendous amount of stress. The lessons learned along the way have been unquantifiable and I know that in the end it’ll all be worth it. Making this step has gotten me closer to my goal of truly being free from the rat race.
– Meeting my fiancé and soon to-be wife. It’s a great feeling when you finally meet your person. Your best friend. Someone who completely gets you and is there for you every step of the way. Entrepreneurship is a very lonely world where very few understand you so having her support along with my family’s support made all the difference in the world.

What is your life purpose?
I want to leave a legacy behind for my future generations.

How did you tap into it?
Growing up, my brother and I did not have much. Our parents left everything back in Romania in order to give us a better future. Highly educated but with no Canadian experience, both of them had to work dreadful jobs just to put food on the table. I want to repay them for the sacrifices they’ve made and to make sure that my future generations will also be taken care off.

Who is your Role-Model or Mentor?
My older brother, Alex Rascanu. From a young age he always looked after me and showed me the way. I followed his footsteps and his work ethic and always strived to be the best at what I did.

Do you have any daily habits? If so, what are they?
I wouldn’t say so. Every day is completely different. The only habit/routine I have is using my project management software to keep organized with my daily to-dos.

When do you know your work/life balance is off?
I think anyone can tell when that happens, but sometimes it is just not an option. In order to achieve something in life, you have to make sacrifices. For me, my work/life balance has been off for over a year now, ever since I started my company. But most entrepreneurs will tell you that in the first year work/life balance doesn’t really exist. I’ve accepted it for now.

Vulnerability is a challenge for most men – share a vulnerable moment from your life with us.
There was a point in my early 20s, when I got scammed into making a bad investment decision and I lost a significant amount of money. I had to move back with my parents and face the embarrassment for not recognizing all the red flags at the beginning and not listening to others. It took me a long time to recover from that.

What did you learn from it?
It was definitely a great lesson. I am glad I learned it earlier in life. I lost all my savings and went in debt trying to make a quick buck, but now I know that there are no quick routes to success. Every day is a grind. Every day is hustle.

If you are or were going to be a mentor for another man, what is one piece of advice you would give him?
Develop a good work ethic and become the master of one thing that everyone will know you for.

How do you be the best partner (Boyfriend/Husband- past or present)
Good communication and listening skills are everything. Relationships can be hard work, but so worth it. My fiancé and I always grow stronger together during challenging times, because we have excellent communication and we want to make it work. Sometimes I just stay quiet and listen. Sometimes she does. It’s a give and take.

Do you support any Charities or Not-for-profits? (Which one(s) and why?)
It is an important component of my company, 80 Proof Digital. I wish I could help every charity, but so far we’ve helped 10 charities land over $1 million in advertising grants from Google. For me it was never important which charities we help, but the fact that we do. Many small non-profits and charities do not have the budget to afford online advertising.  That’s where we come in. Every year we take on organizations based on “first come, first serve” basis and help them get the funds they need to run their PPC campaigns. The Google Grant Program gives charities and not-for-profit organizations up to $10,000 a month in spending in Adwords.

If your life had a theme song, what would it be?
Different songs are more or less appropriate/needed for different stages of our lives; there’s no single song that I can think of that can define my life.

Where do you see yourself in 3 years?
Happy.

What legacy do you want to leave for future generations?
Legacy is more than just materialistic wealth. I hope to teach future generations to be self-sufficient. Money comes and goes, but your ability to get back up after being knocked down will always be with you.

What One book would you recommend for any Man?
Definitely “Think and Grow Rich” by Napoleon Hill.

f you know a Man that is making a positive impact on the world, we would love to hear from you! Contact us at [email protected]

Man Of The Week – Zeeshan Hayat

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Our newest Man Of The Week is someone who’s faced his fair share of hardships growing up, from seeing his mother pass away right before his eyes at the age of six, to moving from Pakistan to Canada at the age of nine, Zeeshan Hayat never let his determination to succeed in life dampen. Zeeshan has never known any other career than entrepreneurship, and from the young age of 22 he took the bold step to launch his first company without any prior work experience or funding. A man that doesn’t shy away form the tough decisions in life, Zeeshan’s perseverance and determination, along with support from an incredible wife Karina, have helped grow his business into a multimillion dollar organization that medically serves millions across North America. Today, Zeeshan is the CEO of Prizm Health, which he co-founded with his wife Karina. A man driven by passion, Zeeshan’s desire to leave a legacy that inspires future generation is well-balanced with quality family time and exercise. As many serial entrepreneurs, his desire to give back to the community is ever-present, since 2007 the initiatives he has led with Prizm Health, they have successfully donated over 40,000 meals and supplies to those in need in Vancouver and the Downtown East Side.

Age – 36

What do you do? (Work)
I am the CEO and Co-founder of Prizm Health. My drive and vision has taken the company from a small college venture to a multimillion dollar business that serves some of the largest mail order durable medical equipment and pharmacies across US and Canada.
Prizm Health started as a lead generation firm, called Prizm Media that connects consumers suffering from chronic conditions with healthcare companies at their point of need. While building Prizm with my co-founder and wife Karina Hayat, we looked for a solution to further help people with pre-diabetes and diabetes which led us to develop our E-Health Ecosystem. Now we are transforming people’s health outcome and ultimately their quality of life through personalized interventions.
Before becoming a serial entrepreneur, I competed at a national level for Taekwondo. Learning Taekwondo gave me the discipline, ethics, and integrity needed to lead Prizm Health.
I also blog for the Huffington Post where I share my expertise in how technology is changing the healthcare industry and what the future will bring.

Why do you do it?
Because I love it. If I didn’t love my job and what I do than I would look to build a company that reflected my passion.

How do you make a difference in the world? (Work, business, life, family, self)
For Business– I help make a difference in the health industry. At Prizm, we are making a change in people’s lives by connecting people with healthcare providers they desperately need to achieve their optimal health. Through our app Kudolife, we are personalizing people’s health.
Health, nutrition, and fitness should not be categorized. There is no one size fits all when it comes to people’s health. Our bodies are all different and through Kudolife, we hope to give people the personalization they need to reach their health and fitness goals. Kudolife uses machine learning and AI to give users personalized meal plans that will help optimize their health for the long term.
Personal side– For me I enjoy giving back to the community. I do this by giving back to the people closest to us and who need help- the Vancouver downtown eastside. It is important to give back to those in need and doing what is necessary to help them get back on their feet. Wether it is by giving them food, basic toiletries or by having a conversation.
Family- Giving back to my family by being present and not always being away or distracted by technology is vital. When you are around family or friends, it is important always to be present, or else life could just pass you by.
Self- Taking the time out of my day to go on a bike ride is important. By taking care of my physical, I can continue to stay fresh and be motivated to lead Prizm Health.

What are 3 defining moments in your life?
– When I saw my mother pass away infront of my eyes at the age of 6
– Moving to Canada at the age of 9 with my grandparents from Pakistan
– Starting my own family and company

What is your life purpose?
There have always been three main things I focus on. Number one and the most important one is to to provide a good life for my family. The second is to build a legacy that provides a service to help improve and individualize health. The third one is to continue to support the community around me and to help people who are in need.

How did you tap into it?
For me, it was about prioritizing and understanding what is important for me personally. My family felt the most important since I have no siblings. I receive that satisfaction of what I missed in my childhood by seeing my children grow.
I have never had any other career in my life besides being an entrepreneur, and I want to see it grow where we make a real difference in a person’s life. Building your own company and seeing it take off is the real legacy of an entrepreneur. When I first started Prizm 15 years ago, I would have never foreseen where I would be today. Now looking forward and seeing us become a global leader might be hard to imagine but I know if can become a reality. Being able to grow Prizm Health into the success it is today is proof that we can achieve the future.

Who is your Role-Model or Mentor?
It would be prophet, Muhammad. As a Muslim, we are supposed to look up to him and care for the people around us. In that sense, I would say he is my role model.

Do you have any daily habits? If so, what are they?
Staying on schedule and being organized is my daily habit. Also, no matter how busy I am I make sure that I spend time with my children every single day. As a family, we all get together to have breakfast with each other every morning. Another important daily habit that I try to be consistent with is stretching every morning. I struggle with this, but after a morning stretch, I noticed that I started to become more flexible and felt more energized and ready for the day ahead.

When do you know your work/life balance is off?
I like to exercise at least 4-5 times a week. If I don’t workout, I begin to feel frustrated and over worked.  Taking the time to exercise helps me relax and gives me time to feel fresh again. As for family, if I had to choose between a bike ride or to spend time with kids. My kids are always the first choice. It is all about prioritizing and understand what will make you happier.

Vulnerability is a challenge for most men – share a vulnerable moment from your life with us.
Going all in and taking the leap to start my own business at 22 years old with no experience or funding.

What did you learn from it?
The biggest lesson learned is that you can do anything if you put all of your energy and minds into it. My motivation was that I saw others starting successful businesses. I thought “If they can do it then we can too.” We had to give it our 100% and learn how to make the best possible decisions in the process.

If you are or were going to be a mentor for another man, what is one piece of advice you would give him?
Never Give up. Once you set your mind to something do whatever you can to get there.

How do you be the best partner (Boyfriend/Husband- past or present)
Having a good understanding of each other and being supportive is one way.
My co-founder/wife and I share a family together and for us, it is important to know how to support each other when things don’t go as planned.  When we come across a problem, we can apply our entrepreneurial skills to find the solutions. We never just talk about the problem we both actively work hard together to seek its solution.

Do you support any Charities or Not-for-profits? (Which one(s) and why?)
In addition to pledging 2.5% of Prizm Media’s after-tax profits to charity, I also spearhead several initiatives and donate to causes close to my heart. The charitable campaign “100 Meals a Week” is a weekly initiative led by myself and Karina that supports the less fortunate on “Skid Row” in the Vancouver Downtown Eastside. We have motivated friends, family, and the Prizm Health team to provide over 40,000 meals and necessities since 2007.
More recently, my wife and I are sponsoring a Syrian refugee family. We are currently preparing to help the family assimilate to life in Canada.
Other activities we are a part of include partnering up with Homeless on Hastings organization to help give out meals to homeless youth. We have also recently started going to local high schools to teach courses on entrepreneurship and help students develop their leadership skills.

If your life had a theme song, what would it be
I don’t think I could think of just one.

Where do you see yourself in 3 years?
Professionally I see myself as a market leader in healthcare digital and marketing and innovation.

What legacy do you want to leave for future generations?
I would want to be looked at as someone who was helpful to its community, as well as someone who worked hard to grow wiser. I would want my children to look at me as a role model.
For my company, I want to grow it into a huge cooperation that is driven towards making a difference in people’s health. In the end, I want to be looked upon as a leader in the MHealth field.

What One book would you recommend for any Man?
The autobiography of Steve Jobs. I look at him as a leader. As a business man, I look up to him as a role model, but I do not look up to him for his personal life. He couldn’t support his family, but I admire his ability to give it all to his company.

If you know a Man that is making a positive impact on the world, we would love to hear from you! Contact us at [email protected]

The 5 Areas of Your Life You Need to go Phoneless

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My cell phone has been my connection to the world, the resource for any answer, and a cure for boredom. I viewed it as a way to be one step ahead in life, until one day I realized that my cell phone had actually been holding me back and hurting my relationships.
What was life like without a cell phone? I remember knocking on someone’s door to see if they were home, planning dates ahead of time, and naturally having time to be alone with my thoughts.
My relationships had greater levels of trust, closeness and respect, and I was more aware of myself. Cell phones have changed basic human connection, and have stunted my personal growth.
This led me to find the five areas of my life that weren’t better with my cell phone — answers that immediately made my life better and can help yours, too:

  1. The Bathroom — Remember when the bathroom was a place to read? Leave that book you’ve been meaning to read beside the throne to improve your life. Plus you can’t drop it in the toilet (and be honest, who hasn’t done that?).
  2. The Gym — You don’t go there to work out your thumbs. A phone takes your focus away from your work out, which actually makes it less effective. If you listen to music or podcasts, use a hands-free device.
  3. During Meals — Having a phone out can distract you and others during conversation. It can even make you gain weight, as distracted eating causes you to eat more. Basic manners means no elbows or phones on the table.
  4. Socializing With Friends —  Which do you value more, relationships or your Facebook feed? Be in the moment, not in your mobile.
  5. The Bedroom — Noises and alerts from your phone and light from the screen decrease the quality of your sleep. The bedroom should only be for intimacy and sleep.

Follow these five tips if almost bumping into things while walking is a normal occurrence, if your hand hurts from constantly cupping your phone, and if you can’t wait for a few minutes without pulling out your phone.
It may be a hard habit to break, but your mind, body, and friends will benefit in the end.
Read More By Benjamin Ritter on the ManTalks Blog:
You Don’t Deserve Better, You Deserve to Be Better
__________
Benjamin-headshotBenjamin Ritter, MBA, MPH, is an interpersonal, dating, and relationship consultant, author of The Essentials, co-host of the Suave Lover podcast, curator of the Interfaith Relationships workshop, and the Values Systems workshop, freelance expert and writer, and healthcare executive. He has years of direct client, personal, and social experiences towards improving and solving internal development, dating, and relationship situations. For more information go to; http://www.benjamin-ritter.com.
 

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5 Things About Sobriety That Surprised Me

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I was 17 the first time I got drunk. K*’s parents were out of town and we threw a huge party at his house. It was awesome. Since then, I’ve spent at least one month each year sober to ensure that the habit is in check (alcoholism runs in my family).

In 2015 I decided to take on a new personal challenge: go the entire year without having a single drink. I would still go to bars, parties, bachelor weekends, etc. I just wouldn’t drink.

There are plenty of things you can expect to happen when you quit drinking (your sleep and health improve, you don’t see your drinking buddies so often, etc.). Those are well covered in other articles around the internet. Here, I’m going to share 5 things that surprised me about the year of sobriety – both the good and the bad.

1. I wasn’t perfect. This taught me to become more forgiving of myself and others.

I approached this challenge in the same way I approach pretty much everything in life: I expect to be perfect (which of course, is delusional).

There were six times in 2015 when I chose to have a drink. So technically, I failed the challenge. Being forced to own my imperfections created an opportunity for growth.

My first reaction to not living up to expectations is to beat myself up. With the help of a mentor, I used this as an opportunity to practice self-forgiveness, instead of self-punishment. It helped me accept the reality that making mistakes and being imperfect is no big deal. In fact, it’s completely human.

I’ve found that by being more forgiving of myself, it’s much easier to be forgiving of others.

2. Three people went out of their way to make me feel bad about the year of sobriety.

I’m used to making decisions that most people don’t understand, but none have been as controversial as giving up alcohol for a year. In fact, several friends went out of their way to make me feel bad about it.

  • One guy called from France to tell me he felt sorry for me. He felt that I was making a real mistake in depriving myself of the “joys of alcohol” and that I should seriously reconsider.
  • Another friend of 15 years emailed me saying it was a stupid experiment and that I was setting a bad example for my readers and audiences. He also cc’ed our mutual friends on the email. No one responded.
  • A woman I was dating during part of the experiment yelled at me because she felt I was neglecting her desire to go out and have fun with the people she loved. When I reassured her I’d still go to bars and parties, she said it wasn’t the same and stormed off. To be fair, she’s not actually wrong, and I’ll share more on that later.

While those were the only three instances where people went out of their way to be discouraging, few people in my life put any real effort into understanding why I’d bother giving up booze for a year.

The default attitude towards drinking is that everyone drinks. If you don’t drink, it’s either because of your religion or you’re in recovery.

This challenge put me in the blue unicorn category. I had no reason not to drink, beyond curiosity, growth, and a hunch that my life would be significantly better without booze.

Because of my unusual choice few people understood what I was doing.  

3. During the year of sobriety, a long term girlfriend and I broke up. Sobriety magnified the pain and then sped up the healing.

Normally after a breakup, I would mourn the loss by going to the bar for a few (or rather, a few too many) drinks.

In 2015, this wasn’t an option. By staying completely sober through the breakup, I was forced to confront my pain head on. This created moments of intense, intense pain. It also sped up the healing process.

The loss of love is one of the most painful things people endure. To avoid the pain, we use a wide variety of tools to distract ourselves (alcohol, casual sex, staying busy, pretending like we’re not hurt, etc.). While avoidance seems like a good idea in the moment, it’s ultimately an exercise in futility. In time, you will be forced to confront the inner struggles you’ve been suppressing.

Alcohol numbs. Take it away and suddenly, the highs are higher, and the lows are lower. The lows don’t last as long, because you’re forced to come up with new, more effective ways of mitigating the pain.

My advice to anyone going through a breakup (or any difficult spell) is to feel the full pain of your loss, instead of numbing yourself. Experiencing your pain will help you bounce back faster.

A note about dealing with intense pain: one of my commitments to you is to be realistic. So often, writers babble on about how everyone should be perfect. Fuck that. We’re humans, not robots. My advice is to stay sober and clear during intense pain. However, if anyone – my future self included – uses alcohol or any other fairly safe form of escape to weather a storm or two, I will not fault you.

4. Sobriety made dating easier.

When was the last time you had a first kiss without alcohol?

Before the year of sobriety, I was probably 17. Maybe younger.

Alcohol is a nearly permanent fixture of the dating scene. At first, the year of sobriety made dating – especially first kisses – intimidating.

After a few sober first dates though, something weird happened: dating became easier than it had ever been.

It’s easier to get to know someone when you’re sober than when you’re buzzed. It’s also easier to sense chemistry (as opposed to lust or the need to alleviate loneliness) when you’re sober.

A common question I get from friends is, “How do women react to your decision not to drink?” Most respond neutrally. Generally they have a few questions. That’s it. I’m sure that there are women who wouldn’t date me because I don’t drink; I’m probably not interested in them either, so nothing is lost.

5. I was reminded that the strongest form of leadership is leading by example.

Before the year of sobriety began, I wrote a Facebook post about what I was attempting and why I was doing it. I invited people to join me.

Several friends decided to give up alcohol for the year, and dozens of people committed to spending at least one month sober.

Ultimately, this reminded me that persuasion is a waste of time compared to the efficiency of living out loud.

There were some unexpected benefits too:

1. I Saved Thousands of Dollars

Alcohol adds up. I was accustomed to paying $30 for a round, $15 for a bottle of wine, and $5 for a beer.

Individually, none of those purchases are particularly expensive. Collectively, they emptied out my wallet.

If you’re in the habit of spending $50/week on alcohol (and I suspect that a lot of people are, even though they don’t realize it), you pay $2,600 annually for booze. That’s a good chunk of change that could easily be put towards something else (debt, travel, starting a business all, etc.). 

2. I Stopped Running in Existential Circles  

Most of our actions are the result of habits. Some are obvious: wake up, make coffee, brush your teeth, check your email. Others are subtle: you’re bored or uncomfortable, so you take out your phone and check Facebook, reddit, and Twitter.

For me, drinking was a habit. I’d have a drink after a speech to wind down. When I went out for dinner, I’d order a beer. Most Fridays, I went to happy hour with friends.

When I stopped drinking, my habits changed automatically. I started going for long walks after speeches. I ordered water or juice at restaurants. I convinced my friends to play Frisbee after work on Fridays.

The habit of drinking becomes a hole that many people fall into on a routine basis. For most, it takes up valuable space in your life subtly reinforcing the bad habits. When you stop drinking, you eliminate one of the holes on your path, and encourage growth.

3. I Started Stringing Multiple Good Days Together

For most of my life, I would have two or three good days in a row, followed by a crappy one. I spent a lot of time trying to figure out how to have more good days without the bad ones, but I could never find a solution. When I quit drinking, it happened automatically.

It became easy to string more good days together because of the space sobriety created in in my life. I had more money, more time, and more energy at my disposal.

Are all of the days in my life great now? Of course not, but I’m having far more good ones than in the past.

The Downside

Even the most positive change has some negative side effects. To ignore the negative is to dismiss reality.

I felt left out.

There were a few times when my friends were doing wine tastings or having craft cocktails where I just felt left out and lonely.

While I’m glad I consistently said, “No” in 2015, moving forward I’ll say, “Yes” a bit more often now that the challenge is over (more on that in a moment).

Not drinking makes some people who drink uncomfortable.

I mentioned earlier that an ex-girlfriend and I had a fight over my choice to give up drinking. She said going out wouldn’t be the same if I was drinking seltzer and she was drinking whiskey. She was right. We were no longer sharing the experience as closely as when we were both drinking or both sober. This made her uncomfortable. Honestly, she wasn’t the only one.

I know this may be discouraging but if you choose not to drink, it will make some people uncomfortable. Inspiring discomfort in some people takes a bit of getting used to, but eventually you realize that their discomfort is their problem, not yours.

My Recommendation to You

If you’re interested in experimenting with sobriety, here is what I suggest.

First and foremost: have all the drunken nights you think you want to have.

Seriously. If you feel pulled towards going out and getting drunk, do it. Lord knows I’ve had plenty of drunken nights in my life, and if I’m being completely honest, I can think of a few nights that were wayyyy better because I was drunk. I’m glad I got it out of my system.

It would be sad to die feeling as though you missed out on something fun. If drinking feels important to you, go for it. Alcohol itself is amoral. Your actions while drinking is where right or wrong comes into play. As long as you’re responsible to yourself and others, there’s no need to deprive yourself.

Over time, reflect on your experience. You’ll notice that after a certain number of nights out, you’ve already had every alcohol experience that there is (or at least all of the ones you want to). They are:

  • The night you hooked up with someone
  • The night you did something crazy
  • The night you had tons of fun
  • The night you were more vulnerable and open than usual
  • The night you spent wayyyy too much money
  • The night you were alone and lonely
  • The night you drank to numb the pain
  • The night nothing much happened
  • The night you did something you regret
  • The night something bad happened
  • The morning after where you swear, “I’m never drinking again.”

That’s about it. Once you’ve done all of the above, you’ve had 90% of all drinking experiences. Maybe more. Of course, most people will go on to repeat the same nights again and again and again (I did), but eventually, you’ll realize that you have to get off the hamster wheel if you want to move forward.

If you’re a regular drinker, consider taking one month off every now and then. Why? To make sure you are in control of your intake and to see how it’s affecting you.

Alcohol is an addictive drug that influences who you are, even if you’re not an alcoholic. Because drinking is so common, most people lose sight of how it affects them.

Some months are much easier to spend sober than others. January is probably the easiest.

If you’re saying to yourself, “I can do a month, but I won’t,” then check yourself. Become curious about why you’re so dead set on drinking that you can’t go 30 days without a drop. Are you running from yourself? Have you made a hobby out of something toxic? Is it because alcohol plays such a large role in your life that you fear its absence? Do you depend on it for socializing or relaxing? Are you worried about what other people will think?

If you’re saying to yourself, “I can’t take a month off,” then that’s great information. I admire your honesty. Most people don’t have the courage to admit that. Please get the help you need. You’re an amazing person deserving of an amazing life.  

Want to take more than one month off or reduce your consumption in general? Here are a few approaches to tapering your consumption. Experiment with the ones that seem right for you:

  •      Limit your consumption to a specific number of drinks per week (or night)
  •      Stop doing shots
  •      Stop drinking liquor
  •      Only drink on the weekends
  •      Only drink on special occasions
  •      Only drink on extremely special occasions (that’s where I’m at)
  •      Stop drinking altogether

So, Will I Start Drinking Socially Again?

My friends keep asking, “So now that the year of sobriety is over, are you going to start drinking again?”

My answer: not really.

On very special occasions, I can see having a drink from time to time. I wouldn’t say, “no,” to a Guinness in Ireland or a Tequila shot in Mexico. I’d raise a flute of champagne at a wedding. I’d definitely have a few scotches at my brother’s bachelor party.

But in the grand scheme of things, no, I’ll never go back to drinking socially like I used to. The benefits of being 99.97% sober are so significant for me that I’m happy to pass.

My wish for you is that you take the time to find the relationship to alcohol that helps you be the best version of yourself.

Read More By Jason Connell On the ManTalks Blog:

How Should a Man Be at 30?

Maslow Got it Wrong: What I Learned From Feeding the Homeless on My Birthday

Looking for Happiness? First Let The Crippling Pain of Existence Destroy You

__________

author_shot (1)

Jason Connell is a speaker and writer who teaches confidence, self-love, and self-compassion.
He’s worked with everyone from Senior members of the Obama administration and professional athletes to middle school students and emerging entrepreneurs.
He shares his thoughts on life, authenticity, and power at: JasonConnell.co.
 

Sign up to the ManTalks newsletter and every week we’ll send you an email with the week’s top articles and interviews.

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The Mask of Masculinity [Video]

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Giving a TEDx talk is an honor and an endeavor.

Creating a message hoping it will make a difference, practicing, editing, practicing some more, doubting yourself, changing the message, scrapping the whole talk, starting over again.

Do this a dozen times and maybe, just maybe you’ll have something worth watching. Or as TED says, an idea worth sharing.

My talk is about men, the biggest challenge modern men face, how these changes are affecting us, affecting women, our children and what could be possible if we shifted our perspective.

There are tens of thousands of TED talks out there, so why should you check mine out? And is it an idea worth spreading?

Well, here are 5 reasons to check it out:

  1. I sing Opera to drive my point home in front of 2,000 people (You have to watch it all to find out where and no it’s not the end).
  2. I talk about the biggest challenge men face today, the impact and what we need to do about it.
  3. If you’re a guy who’s wanting to understand himself better and show up more powerfully in life (and I suspect you are), this video is worth watching.
  4. If you’re a woman who believes in equality and wants to hear what we as men are doing to develop, grow, and evolve to create that equality, you’ll definitely want to watch this. (It’s had hundreds of shares on social media and (by my estimate) 60% have been from women.
  5. Because I asked and said please. Please watch this. This is an invitation to something which may shift your perspective. I believe in this message for both men and women. I believe that THIS conversation is one worth having, spreading and is something which can save men and women everywhere.

Love it or hate it, give it a chance. Please comment on it and share your feedback with me. Share it with people who you feel need to see it and hear the message.

__________

Connor Beaton

Connor Beaton is the founder of ManTalks.

Check out his incredible TEDx talk here. And follow him on Facebook (where he does live video regularly) to stay up to date with all his teachings, lessons, and insights.

Sign up to the ManTalks newsletter and every week we’ll send you an email with the week’s top articles and interviews.

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Confidence, Comparison, and How Your Insecurities Are Bought And Sold

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They say comparison steals joy, but it’s worse than that. Comparison steals everything you really want to have, be, and find fulfillment in.

The biggest trap of consciousness is comparing, judging, and measuring ourselves against the people around us.

Another word for this is envy.

Envy: a feeling of discontented or resentful longing aroused by someone else’s possessions, qualities, or luck.

Do they make more money? Are they better looking? Is their car nicer? More expensive?  Are they better at sex? A better communicator? Are they smarter? Stronger? Happier?

Here is the real truth about why you’re not happy, I call it Social Status Syndrome (or Triple Syndrome).  Everyone suffers from it at some point.

If you have Triple Syndrome you’ll constantly compare yourself to others — you’ll compare your happiness, your life path, money, and everything else.

Have you ever looked at others’ Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, or Snapchat updates and found yourself wishing for their life, wanting their level of happiness, wealth, or success?

It’s a trap.

Don’t compare your real life to someone else’s online persona.

Your life isn’t the total sum of Facebook updates or ‘epic’ handstand photos at the top of a mountain. It’s not about the hearts on Instagram, the thumbs up on Facebook or the number of retweets you get.

This is your life, man. Don’t trade it for little bumps of digital cocaine.

Remember this:

You’re either buying into someone else’s idea of what life should be, or you’re selling your idea of what life should be.

Ask yourself: “Am I a seller or a buyer?”

These are the sellers:

Every personal development ‘guru,’ action junkie, famous celebrity, and brand is ‘selling’ you an idea or concept of what your life could be like. I’m not knocking the sellers. Some are positive and others are negative.

And yes, ManTalks is a seller. We’re a brand that stands for and promotes the concept of positive masculinity and connected, strong, powerful, and fulfilled men.

I founded ManTalks partly out of disgust and despair. I was tired of seeing so many brands and people perpetuating the same false (and insecure) version of masculinity.

Think of us as the anti-Dan Bilzerian. Ever heard of him?

He’s the perfect macho stereotype — a jacked-up dude with ladies hanging on his shoulders and bags of cash.

He’s the ‘dude’ most guys think they should be and has become Internet famous by appealing to the narcissist living within each of us.

But he’s a great example of comparison marketing.

Every day millions of guys look at his Instagram and envy every part of the persona he’s created.

Then they come back to reality and realize they’ve been scrolling through his Instagram feed for 45 minutes and that the biggest accomplishment of their day was five straight hours of Netflix.

This might be hard to realize, but his life is NOT better than yours.

He’s selling a pipe dream, paying for sex, and doing crazy shit. And he’s doing it just so you can get a hit of guilt for not being ‘man enough.’ Cars, cash, women, and parties are all psychological triggers aimed to sell you something.

He is selling to your insecurities.

Now, I’m not one to squash dreams, so if you truly want that in life then please by all means go for it. Just know that you will get there and feel empty. Money and endless amounts of women will not fill the black hole you feel due to a lack of direction and purpose in life.

If it just fills your wallet or empties your balls, you’ll never be satisfied.

If your sole purpose is just making money or getting laid, you’re going to feel miserable and lost at some point. Trust me, I have tried.

I’m not saying there is anything wrong with money and sex. I’m very much an advocate for money and sex. But we need to go deeper. Dan Bilzerian and ManTalks are both sellers. Vastly different products mind you, but we’re both sellers.

Then there are the buyers.

The buyers want to find their place in the world. They want to find a tribe or community they belong to. Rather than trying to promote a culture or belief, they simply want to belong.

We’re all buyers to some degree. We’re all looking for a model to follow. The key here is to buy into something worthwhile. Something that fulfills your mind, heart, and soul.

So how do we know what to buy? What things, experiences, people, or ideas are fulfilling?

Here is what worked for me:

1. Realize that there’s no such thing as a life better than yours.

Are you comparing your life, financial success or happiness to someone else?

Stop.

Let go of the need to make yourself feel like shit.

His life is no better than yours. His problems are no less pressing, and his struggles, although different, are no less of a struggle.

The biggest lie in human history is thinking that everyone around us somehow has it better.

My dad had a saying that I still live by to this day: “The grass is always greener on the other side because bullshit helps grass grow.”

So how do we combat constant comparison?

Gratitude.

I’m sure you’ve read or heard about the power of gratitude. You might even be thinking, “Oh great. Gratitude. Is Connor going to go all woo-woo on me here?” 

You might know about gratitude. But you can know about something and still never do anything about it. You’ll never know the power of this until you practice it.

I recommend starting a gratitude practice of some sort and keeping it simple. For me it’s as simple as  not getting out of bed in the morning before finding three things I’m grateful for.

By being grateful for what you have, who you are, and what you’re building in life you stop comparing yourself.

2. Buy to fill your soul, not your ego.

Want an easy indicator of what you’ve bought into?

Check your social media. Who do you follow? What photos show up the most on your news feed? The people and brands you follow are a reflection of what you have bought into.

If your social stream is a never ending parade of half naked women, shameless selfies, shit you can’t afford, and other people you’ve put on a pedestal it means your ego has maxed out your attention credit card.

Remember, you don’t just buy things with money, you buy with your time and attention.

Think of it this way:

The average man will have about 27,375 days to spend. This equates to 657,000 hours or roughly 39,420,520 minutes.

That’s it. That’s a life. You never get a moment back.

Now if you’re like me, you’ve spent many hours chasing purely ego based endeavors like drinking your face off, trying to get laid, showing off, or working a job you didn’t like because it stroked your ego.

Look at you, you big stud, you get to wear a suit and be ‘special.’

Imagine that those days and minutes are dollars and you are spending them right now. How does that make you feel? Now remember that your minutes and hours are infinitely more valuable than dollars. Spend them wisely.

Find the things that fill your soul and leave you feeling like your life is truly meaningful.

Start doing these things every day and soon you will find others comparing their life to yours, wondering what your secret is.

3. Stop living to impress and start living to contribute.

Look, no one really gives a shit what brand your shirt is, or how much your jeans cost. Did you buy your car because it will impress people or because you just love driving it?

When we stop living to impress other people, we can start truly contributing to others. We simply can’t do this when in survival mode or when focused on showing others how ‘together’ we have our lives.

It’s only when we start to be truly present for others and listen to them without shoving our opinions in their face, then we become valuable to them.

Feeling like we matter….

This is all anyone wants, to know we matter and that our life means something.

Look for ways to give back to others. This can be as simple as listening to them for 20 straight mins while they brain dump about their day, bitch about a co-worker, or share their darkest secrets.

Contribution isn’t just about giving money to charities or volunteering your time. It’s how you show up every minute, every hour, and every day of your 27,375 days.

By reminding others they matter, you will also be reminded that your life has value.

“Only those who have learned the power of sincere and selfless contribution experience life’s deepest joy: true fulfillment.” – Tony Robbins

Do you want to feel more fulfilled and happy each and every day? Ask yourself this:

Did I contribute today?

If you can successfully answer YES to this simple question everyday, your life will dramatically change.

So the next time you’re scrolling through Facebook seeing someone’s amazing photos as they jump off a cliff, test drive a Ferrari, or move into some baller ass mansion you can’t afford just remind yourself, “There’s no such thing as a life that’s better than mine.”

Read more by Connor Beaton on the ManTalks Blog:

5 Epic Questions to Help You Find Your Life’s Purpose

__________

Connor BeatonConnor Beaton is the founder of ManTalks.

Check out his incredible TEDx talk here. And follow him on Facebook (where he does live video regularly) to stay up to date with all his teachings, lessons, and insights.

Sign up to the ManTalks newsletter and every week we’ll send you an email with the week’s top articles and interviews.

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Neil Pasricha – The Journey to Finding Happiness in Life

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Episode: 049

What are the secrets to achieving happiness?

Introduction:
Neil Pasricha is a New York Times bestselling author of The Book of Awesome and The Happiness Equation. Neil has spent the last decade of his life as the Director of Leadership Development at Walmart, which he left this year to pursue his writing projects. He is also the writer and creator of the 1000 Awesome Things blog, which has won Best Blog in the World two years in a row. Connor sits down with Neil to discuss some of the secrets to happiness and why it is so hard to find.

 

 

Key Takeaways:
[2:25] Grab a pen and paper for this episode!
[3:10] What was Neil’s defining moment?
[6:00] What was it like giving a TED Talk?
[8:35] Beautiful things come out of darkness.
[9:15] Are you building a business on the side? Neil says don’t quit your day job.
[10:05] Neil was not a confident person, but when he started his side business, he gained more confidence. This lead him to being promoted at his full-time job.
[11:25] Despite Neil’s success, he didn’t leave his full-time job at Walmart until this year.
[11:55] Connor completely understands as he just left his corporate job 6 months ago.
[12:30] Let’s talk happiness! What are some of the secrets of happiness?
[13:40] We want happiness, but we can’t seem to get it.
[15:00] How can we give our children happiness if we ourselves aren’t even happy?
[15:25] The Happiness Equation is a personal letter to Neil’s child.
[16:25] You have to be happy first in order to find success. It’s not the other way around.
[17:35] You live 10 years longer if you’re happy.
[19:15] When Connor was experiencing a dark time in his life, what really pulled him out of it was gratitude journaling.
[20:35] Never retire!
[22:00] Find a reason to get out of bed every morning.
[22:40] Retirement is dangerous and it creates loss of purpose.
[23:55] Neil talks about the four S – Social, Structure, Stimulation, and Story.
[25:35] What are the biggest misconceptions about happiness?
[28:25] How do you overcome criticism? Do it for you.
[30:45] Would you do this task for free? If the answer is no, you’re on the wrong track.
[32:20] What happens if you’re ‘too busy’? How can you not be ‘too busy’?
[40:40] Let’s talk about mindset and why it’s so important.
[43:15] When your day is going south, remember that you’ve already won the lottery. You have it good.
[48:00] All you have to do is write down 5 gratitudes a week and you’ll see an improvement in your happiness.
[50:25] Recognize you’re in a bad mood, recognize that it will end, and recognize that those two things are okay and you will feel good again.
[53:15] Who is the most authentically happy person Neil has ever met?
[54:00] What is the one experience Neil recommends to anyone?
[54:25] What is the most underrated trait in modern day life?
[54:40] What is one book Neil would take when stranded on an island?
[55:00] What was the single biggest lesson Neil learned at Harvard?
[56:25] Who is the most influential person on happiness?

Mentioned in This Episode:
www.mantalks.com/
www.1000awesomethings.com/
The Book of Awesome by Neil Pasricha
The Happiness Equation by Neil Pasricha
Neil’s TED Talk – The 3 A’s of Awesome
The Nun Study
 by Julia Cameron
www.headspace.com/
www.10percenthappier.com/
www.calm.com
On the Shortness of Life by Seneca

Music Credit:
Parlange & Latenite Automatic (jesusparlange.com – lateniteautomatic.com)

Tweetables:

“That side project is important on the side as long as possible.”

“My parents’ advice as a child was totally backwards. If you do great work, have a big success, you’ll be happy.”

“Create a life that you just want to carry on until the end.”

 

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