Malina Parmar

Man Of The Week – Jonny Imerman

Our MOTW Jonny Imerman opens up about overcoming cancer and will speak at ManTalks Chicago November 7th, 2016 on ‘Mentorship’.
At 26 years old in 2001, Jonny Imerman was diagnosed with testicular cancer.  After doctors surgically removed one of his testicles, he did five months of chemotherapy and became cancer-free.  But almost a year later, four tumors popped up again near his spine.  After another surgery, an 11-inch incision, and three months of recovery, Jonny was back in remission.During his cancer fight, he realized what needed to change in the cancer world.  Despite loving support from family and friends, he was unable to find a cancer survivor like him.  Jonny wondered: “What if every cancer fighter could talk to a cancer survivor, who not only had beaten the same type of cancer, but who also was around the same age and gender as the fighter?”  The cancer survivor would be an angel ⎯ walking, living proof that the fighter could win too.  That amazing connection would provide inspiration, knowledge, and hope.  This is why he created Imerman Angels, a non-profit organization, which carefully matches a person touched by cancer (a cancer fighter or survivor) with someone who has fought and survived the same type of cancer (a Mentor Angel). Today, Imerman Angels now has more than 6,000 cancer survivors and more than 1,500 caregivers in its network, and has been featured by dozens of news organizations including The Wall Street Journal, Harpo Radio’s “Oprah and Friends” with Dr. Oz, CNN, TEDx, The Huffington Post, Men’s Health and National Public Radio (NPR) to name just a few!Jonny will be speaking at the very first ManTalks Chicago event centred around ‘Mentorship’ on November 7th, 2016. Click here for more details and to RSVP.
Age: 41 years old
What do you do? (Work)
I work for Imerman Angels, a FREE 1:1 peer mentoring program for families fighting cancer– we introduce them to a survivor (or family member) who’s shared the SAME EXPERIENCE and has had a positive outcome– to inspire, motive, and give knowledge, strength, and hope! ImermanAngels.org

Why do you do it?
I was diagnosed with testicular cancer at 26– did chemo, surgeries for about 2 years of my 20s– so we got together with a group of survivors that has grown now to about 8,000 volunteer survivors/caregivers– to GIVE BACK, and mentor, 1 on 1, those in the same fight today!  GRATITUDE– is WHY we do what we do! We’re all blessed to be alive and well!!
How do you make a difference in the world? (Work, business, life, family, self)
See above

What are 3 defining moments in your life?
3 defining moments of my life are getting cancer, creating Imerman Angels with a group of survivors who all care, and moving to Chicago in 2005 to get a fresh start on life after cancer.  Clearly, cancer has a lot of POSITIVES in my life!!
What is your life purpose?
I believe Imerman Angels is my life purpose, to help CONNECT and BUILD BRIDGES in the cancer world– but also helping other great causes and sharing what we’ve learned with other social entrepreneurs– to make the world a better place in a lot of ways!!  GRATEFUL to have so many social entrepreneurs friends who do great things in a lot of difference arenas! 

How did you tap into it?
It’s easy to tap into great causes when you CARE.Who is your Role-Model or Mentor?
Howard Tullman is one of my mentors, CEO of 1871 in Chicago.  Howard is an idea generating machine, helps so many causes, serves on the IA board, and takes SO much time to help SO many great causes– he’s a powerhouse of a human and has inspired me and helped IA in so many ways!!
Do you have any daily habits? If so, what are they?
My daily habits are wearing an IA tshirt everyday, eating oatmeal every morning, working out everyday, and surrounding myself with GOOD people and idea people everyday
When do you know your work/life balance is off?
I know my work/life balance is off when my VOICE goes away.. I talk all day long, and eventually my body tells me to slow down when i lose my voice lol!
Vulnerability is a challenge for most men – share a vulnerable moment from your life with us.
Opening our cancer experiences make us vulnerable– it’s the FIRST step in letting others in to help them– and essential in education and saving lives!

If you are or were going to be a mentor for another man, what is one piece of advice you would give him?
The best advice I feel i I can offer is LIVE YOUR PASSION– throw your life into it! Find a WAY to live your life filled with your individual passion– and hopefully it makes the world a better place as well! It’s the BEST life I feel!!
How do you be the best partner (Boyfriend/Husband- past or present)

I’m single at the moment, and so not much good advice for anyone here haha!
Do you support any Charities or Not-for-profits? (Which one(s) and why?)
I support hundreds of causes and non-profit friends– just a few of these causes are PAWS, Anti-Cruelty Society, ONEGOAL, LaunchU, Breakthrough Urban Ministries, Above & Beyond Center to fight addiction, and anyone with a great cause making the world a better place!
If your life had a theme song, what would it be?
If my life had a theme song, it would be “I’ll Take you There” — that’s how we ALL feel on our team in our ability to help and INSPIRE those with cancer!
Where do you see yourself in 3 years?

In 3 years I see myself staying busy and helping Imerman Angels grow to helping thousands to tens of thousands of people across the world!
What One book would you recommend for any Man?
Confession– I haven’t read a book since 26 years old! I can’t read books. I know– crazy.  I just can’t get myself to sit and read– i’m always on the move, and people are my currency, so I own it and stick to what my senses tell me is the best life– without books haha.
If you know a Man that is making a positive impact on the world, we would love to hear from you! Contact us at [email protected]

Man Of The Week – Jeff Perera

For over eight years, Jeff Perera has been working to help inspire new models of possibility for manhood: having spoken to men, young men and boys across Canada and beyond on how we can strive toward change within, and be part of nurturing healthier ideas of manhood where we work, live, study, worship and play. Today, Jeff is a Speaker and Facilitator with Next Gen Men, who work with young men and boys, as well as engage and educate men around conversations of toxic versus mindful masculinities. He has delivered two TEDx talks: ‘Words Speak Louder that Actions’ and ‘The Ladder of Manhood’. If that wasn’t enough, Jeff also writes over at Higher Unlearning, exploring how limiting ideas of gender impact men in everyday life. Jeff shares some poetic and inspiring words in his interview and ManTalks is honoured to have Jeff Perera as our newest Man Of The Week!

Age: 41 (but don’t look it! Being brown don’t let ya down!)

What do you do? (Work)
I am a Speaker and Facilitator with Next Gen Men. I’ve spoken to tens of thousands of young men, boys and men across Canada and abroad, for eight years, about our ideas of manhood and new models of possibility for men.

Why do you do it?
I realized years ago that how many of us answer the question of what it means to be a man, is at the core of so many of the challenges, issues and struggles that people of all genders face. Traditions and concepts of what manhood is or isn’t, impact everything; from our lives at home or work, or where we study or worship, as well as our relationship with the environment, our true self, and with each other. As men, working to give ourselves the freedom to be our best self, in turn helps nurture the world we want to live in,

How do you make a difference in the world? (Work, business, life, family, self)
What I have learned again and again is: The way forward begins with us, within us. There are many men who want to explore living a more full, meaningful, heartfelt life; embracing vulnerability and fear, and not facing it all alone. I look to help men open their heart’s eye and strive to see the invisible: how these toxic ideas of manhood are both the rope used to section off people of other genders in everyday life, as well as the chain holding men back from our whole humanity. My hope is to help inspire others to genuinely begin their journey from head to heart, and from heart to action: showing up in their own lives, and the lives of others. My role is to help convey to men and boys that change must be ongoing within us, but that you are not alone and that we can take this journey together.

What are 3 defining moments in your life?
– The day I realized the person I wanted to be: as a little child witnessing my father (who was a violent tyrant at home) back down and hide in his car from a drunk man who wanted to fight him.
– The day I saw my father’s dead body.
– A quiet moment when I decided to leave a 9-5 job because I wanted to own the impact I make, and what those waves to continue to be after I’ve left this world.

What is your life purpose?
I want to be the lesson in action, and inspire others to try as well. I want to hold a mirror up for others, so we learn to truly see our role in everyday situations. That starts with role modelling the process and looking in that mirror ourselves. I want to be a gentle voice inviting you into this conversation, but also push and provoke you: make you comfortable with discomfort (that place where our real inner growth happens.)

How did you tap into it?
Too many men have a void in their lives: not having emotionally present models and mentors. I call these models of possibility ‘Maps to Manhood’, someone who you can talk to or just learn from by seeing how they navigate life. I decided to aspire to be the example I was looking for, fill the void for myself and others. That process has brought into my life amazing men from whom I learn from and unlearn with.

Who is your Role-Model or Mentor?
Muhammad Ali. We can learn from anyone and everyone (and need to always listen for the lesson) but the life he lived was his message to us. Ali was the voice telling us to get back up, to stand up. Ali taught us to answer the bell, rise up, and get into the ‘Ring of our own Life’. He said: “True success is reaching our potential without compromising our values.” He demonstrated the will to work and work, battle yourself and all circumstances in order to achieve your goals, and be ready to sacrifice it all for what matters. I strive to be half the man he was.

Do you have any daily habits? If so, what are they?
I mentioned mirrors earlier, I take a moment to look in the mirror every day. It is my reminder to not just see my physical self, but my entire self. To be present and mindful in each moment as much as I can be, and try harder than that, in order to own everything I’ve done and didn’t do. I want to focus not the impression I leave with others so much as the impact I have on others. Trying to talk to myself using loving speech also!

When do you know your work/life balance is off?
I talk more and more these days about ‘Mindful Masculinities’. When I am truly striving to be present, show up, enter the Ring of my own life: in everyday, simple moments I can tell when I am not at my best. We all have those ‘engine light’ or ‘oil change’ symbols light up on our inner dashboard: those moments when a quiet voice whispers “you need to take a break” or “put the email away and go sit with your child for a bit”.
Humbly, I would like to submit that the pursuit of ‘work/life balance’ is a fruitless chase that sets us up for failure. Instead, I believe the key is seeking to find harmony within every moment in Life. This is a fluid state where we seek to maintain amidst the ever-changing highs and lows. We are in constant motion, our lives are never truly in a stand-still state until our last breath. Life is like crossing a tightrope towards our destination, as we carry all our life’s relationships, projects, aspirations, challenges and responsibilities in our hands. The goal is to constantly seek harmony within the present moment, both when it is quiet, or when we face the gusts of Life’s winds of challenge… all while moving in a forward motion. This is our endless work: staying tuned in, learning to adjust and thrive, all while seeking to be one with this very moment.

Vulnerability is a challenge for most men – share a vulnerable moment from your life with us.
I want to be the person that reaches out to you when things are at their lowest, not someone who shows up when you are riding waves of success. I think we need to start doing that for ourselves, with ourselves.
In the very near future, I seek to openly talk about my mistakes and lessons learned. I think it is time we opened up as men and owned our shit. Taking ownership of our actions, behaviour and impact. I am writing a piece about this topic, in which I wrote: “To Men everywhere, this isn’t about the ‘Day of our Reckoning’, this is about the Day of our Awakening.”
In 2015, I started a year-long journey to explore and own my past actions and reputation, and ask myself hard questions. I did a lot of listening, talking with women from different periods of my life: colleagues, friends, acquaintances, women I’ve interacted with in community work, as well as women I dated in the past. I wanted to better know myself through the narrative others have of me, based on my impact in the community. This wasn’t solely about me, my hurt feelings or my guilt, but more about learning of any hurt or harm I may have caused.

What did you learn from it?
As a result, I started having much deeper, vulnerable conversations with men in my life, modelling how we can help one another do this emotional work together. Sharing my journey helped me open up conversations with men, as we discussed regrets, shame and fear of talking openly about mistakes, and how we need to do this work together. Instead of leaving women in our lives to do all the heavy emotional lifting for us, we can share in the emotional, healing, self-awareness work amongst other fellow men.
Ben Okri said “Stories can conquer fear. They can make the heart larger.” We can humbly share our experiences together as men, to help our own healing and learning, and others too. I started a monthly gathering in Toronto: a private circle of men I knew trying to be positive role models in our communities. There we open up and share, and listen to one another. No performance, no judgements, not as a PR move to salvage our name after a mistake made. Raw, real honest truths and buried fears. We need to model doing emotional labour together as men, where there isn’t reward (i.e. opening up with the goal of achieving romantic or sexual pursuits).
Next Gen Men has started monthly gatherings in Calgary, and soon other cities like Toronto (which I will be organizing) called ‘Wolf Pack’. (http://nextgenmen.ca/our-program/wolf-pack) These will be spaces where men can have these conversations together, open to people of all genders. Wolf Pack aims to tackle challenges of social isolation amongst adult men by helping foster social connection and new friendships through vulnerable and supportive conversations around topics of depth.

If you are or were going to be a mentor for another man, what is one piece of advice you would give him?
I am looked to by some as an ‘expert’ on healthy masculinities, but anyone who says they have the ‘quick-fix, follow these three easy steps, just-add water’ solutions to being a better man is working a con. The path toward being your better self (not better than someone else, but better that who you were yesterday) is a lifelong journey. There are no shortcuts, no quick solutions, we have to roll up our sleeves and develop the resolution to truly face ourselves, with love. A self-love that is accountability, transparency and humility.

How do you be the best partner (Boyfriend/Husband- past or present)
Know Yourself.

Do you support any Charities or Not-for-profits? (Which one(s) and why?)
Let me tell you about three, starting with the one I work for!
Next Gen Men (www.nextgenmen.ca) is a youth-led, nonprofit organization focused on building better men through youth and peer engagement, education and empowerment. We believe that by engaging, educating, and empowering our peers, we can ensure that the next generation of men will make a positive impact on their communities.
Reclaim Your Voice (www.abusesurvivalstories.com) is a nonprofit event series which provides a platform for men and women who have experienced domestic violence, psychological and sexual abuse, to reclaim their voices. Combining raw testimonials from survivors with inspirational spoken word pieces and motivational speeches, Reclaim Your Voice is a positive and healing experience that uplifts both the mind and the soul.
FYOU: THE FORGIVENESS PROJECT (www.thefyouproject.ca) is a movement that started after rape-survivor Tara Muldoon did not find justice in the justice system. After realizing forgiveness would have to come from within, she created a platform for youth and young adults to speak openly about what it means to forgive. FYOU is now a team that runs programming and workshops internationally. The entire movement is comprised of youth and young adults.

If your life had a theme song, what would it be?
‘Sure Looks Good To Me’ by Alicia Keys.

Where do you see yourself in 3 years?
I see myself doing what I am doing today, but in different and ever-evolving ways; hopefully having learned more and grown each day from now to that moment in time.

What legacy do you want to leave for future generations?
I hope to be seen as a person who left it all in the ring. I want to be someone who inspired others to reach deeper and do better: not just in my words but my deeds and actions, and the impact I had on others.

What One book would you recommend for any Man?
The Autobiography of Malcolm X
(Also: Man Up: Reimagining Modern Manhood by Carlos Andrés Gómez)

If you know a Man that is making a positive impact on the world, we would love to hear from you! Contact us at [email protected]

Your Suffering Has Meaning if You Want it To

This post originally appeared in the Be Yourself publication on Medium

The first time I’d ever contemplated suicide, I was sitting in a deflated beanbag chair fit for half of a person.

I was in the bedroom of my frat-house and wondering what it’d be like to kill myself by tying one end of a shitty belt I owned to my door knob and letting my body fall limp to the floor.

I’d lost sight of everything.

What the fuck was I doing with my life? was a common refrain.

But also the feeling that my existence had no meaning.

I was stuck in that existential void which usually crops up when you’re so stuck in the past and you have your identity wrapped around something that you have such little control over that you lose sight of everything.

So I’d just sit in my beanbag chair that had run out of fluff, play videogames the entire day and it’d be an absolute fucking chore to get out of the house.

(Part of me was saying, get the fuck up and go do something you lazy piece of shit.)

When I did leave my house it was usually to pick up alcohol and/or get drunk and little else.

So that was my existence at the time: play video games and get drunk, and feel fucking miserable.

And I didn’t understand why.

I just said, I feel empty right now and like I want to die and my friends would just say, get over it, bro. In hindsight, that was the only advice I had to go off of and it sounded pretty reasonable.

Relative to most, I had little to suffer for: I had friends, I wasn’t completely incompetent or handicapped, I was going to a great school and my life wasn’t particularly difficult.

Private college is nothing like Rwanda, but you can imagine anything when you’re feeling extra delusional.

But suffering is relative. Your suffering looks completely different than mine. My suffering was more existential.

In reality, suffering, depression, thoughts of suicide and the like, they’re a product of uncertainty.

Uncertainty about the future.

If we’re certain that tomorrow, or next week or the month after, we’ll inherit 72 virgins, millions of dollars and day-to-day work that fills us to the brim with enjoyment, we will figure out a way to live to see that day regardless of daily circumstances.

If we think that the next weeks and months and years will only be full of suffering and that we’ll never find a way out, death will always find a way into our subconscious.

We’re suckers for meaning, because all of the movies tell us that you can will it so.

Accepting Our Pain

“Both men had talked of their intentions to commit suicide. Both used the typical argument — they had nothing more to expect from life. In both cases it was a question of getting them to realize that life was still expecting something from them; something in the future was expected of them.” 
Man’s Search for Meaning, Victor E. Frankl

I had an emotional breakdown the other day — the details of why, I won’t get into, but the brutality of it all, I will.

I was feeling particularly low and self-loathing and I’d taken a small problem and turned it into a small continent. And before I knew it I couldn’t sleep, was stewing and mad at myself for feeling like shit.

If you want to see what this nasty vicious cycle looks like, I’m happy to highlight it in a future article, but just know that it gets fucking dark in there.

And so, I was standing in the shower and I could feel that pain, and so I just kept repeating to myself, I’m in pain. I’m in a lot of fucking pain. And I’m scared and I don’t know what to do.

Often when I get at something that shakes me to the core — something deep in my throat or cock or whatever — something intense comes out.

Moments later, waterworks.

Tears and blubbering and gasping for breath and snot.

A vicious and horrifying cry, if there ever was one.

And I finally started to wrap my head around something, because I was trying to find some meaning behind all of this pain.

And I think, jogging around in my mind, I’d finally found the disconnect:

I want to love myself as much as the people in my life love me.

There’s a lot of pain that I suffer through in silence.

Secretly I hate myself. I never feel good enough. I’ll do something amazing and get a temporary lift and I’ll feel that high for a day or two, but then I’ll immediately cut myself down through words or actions.

Veiled self-criticism that’s really meant in jest, but is often more along the lines of how I feel about myself.

And I have a lot of love for those people and vice-versa, but I haven’t found that in myself.

That’s hard to accept.

I’m working on it, but it’s fucking hard to accept.

Finding Meaning In Suffering

Recently, I’ve started to convince myself that all of the struggles that I go through on a day-to-day basis — mostly, complete uncertainty around my career and job prospects, family drama, death and my sex life — they’re for some sort of outwardly goal or purpose.

Which is part of the reason why I share most of this stuff.

In a sense, I believe that if I share these things with the world and other people, it will enable somebody else to battle their demons, too.

That profound loss of purpose and meaning and sense of self, is particularly prevalent in people who are younger — think, FUCKING MILLENIALS — and older people, too.

(People in the middle, conversely, display a profound sense of “I’ve made it” syndrome in life, so if you desperately want to find that, I’d skip ahead a few years or go back in time.)

And so, it’s easy for us to lose sight of purpose and meaning when we have no real reason to do anything.

And In Loss

A few months ago, I lost my Uncle Jakob.

In the past 60+ years, he’d survived through: The Holocaust, the death of his wife, the death of most of his close friends and family members and worse.

His stories, you’d never believe but they’re amazing and gut-wrenching and terrifying and you’d never believe them.

And the most profound part? He never questioned his existence throughout those struggles.

Even when it was almost certain that most of his close family, they wouldn’t be alive by the time he’d cut through the forest and came out on the other side.

Even when he’d impersonated a Nazi officer to try and retrieve his brother from jail — he was blonde haired, blue-eyed and spoke perfect German — only to have him recaptured and eventually taken away for forever.

Even when somebody had tried to out him as a fucking Jew and have him killed.

(Oh, and he killed that man, in cold-blood. So much for diplomacy.)

He never wondered, am I going to live?

He just focused on, what can I do to survive now?

Don’t worry about, if, if, if… he’d say.

When we’re working a 9–5 job and our boss suddenly informs us that — no, you don’t work here anymore and bye — that crushes our soul because that thing that we’d had so much of our identity wrapped up in is suddenly gone.

Or, when we’re in a relationship and things start to go sour and that’s our only relationship and suddenly our boyfriend or girlfriend is like, I think we need to start seeing other people.

FUCK YOU! YOU NEED TO SEE OTHER PEOPLE.

And with that — those tiny, ultimately meaningless but often pivotal moments in life — we start to question our reality.

Because before it had shifted dramatically, our reality was full of fulfillment — love, a vocation, work, enjoyment, etc.

And suddenly, the one we see now looks nothing like the one it was previously, and we’re scared because we’re uncertain of change.

We don’t know if we can handle it.

Our future was full of certainty and promise and meaning and all of a sudden, it’s full of nothing.

And this is where the darkness comes in.

This is when those pangs of what is the meaning of life? start to become more existential fears of existence.

And those fears, they become depression.

And once that depression becomes far more profound and real, then we start to ask ourselves, what’s the point of living?

And when we can’t answer that — when we don’t have any solid response to that question — then the notion of not living becomes pretty appealing.

“The crowning experience of all, for the homecoming man, is the wonderful feeling that, after all he has suffered, there is nothing he need fear any more — except his God.”

But I’d like to think we can (and should find) meaning in our day-to-day suffering.

I’d like to believe that my thing is something along the lines of, openly sharing my struggles with the world so that other people can find meaning in theirs.

But it’s outwardly. It has little to do with me, and everything to do with the impact it has on other people.

And still, I lose sight of that often.

And I lose track of why I do the things I’m doing, and then hopelessness sets in and I start to tell myself I’m a complete fraud and doing nothing of meaning and blah blah blah.

Then I look at this wall of stuff, I’ve built over the years.

I call it my Wall of Awesome, but I might as well call it a Wall of Abundance or Love or Some Idea I Stole from Somebody Because I Thought It’d Profoundly Change My Life for the Better.

And I’m reminded that the things that I write and I do, they have an impact.

That my words have weight.

Sometimes on lots of people, sometimes on just a few but always on somebody.

Because I’m reminded that the suffering that I go through, it has a reason, whatever that might be.

It has value to at least one other person, even if I want it to go away every day. Even if I want to live in perennial bliss for the rest of my days.

Some of my single greatest moments of suffering have yielded the best stories.

And those stories — if we’re willing to share those gifts with the world — can help other people.

And through sharing that with the world — I think — we can find contentment, if not happiness.

But only if we’re willing to accept that.

__________

mike_kilcoyneMike Kilcoyne lives in Denver, CO, smokes a negligible amount of weed (thanks for asking) and enjoys spending time with his friend’s dogs and his amazing partner.

He also runs mastermind groups for entrepreneurs, designed to help them push through the day-to-day struggle of entrepreneurship in order to do the work they love.

He recently put together this awesome guide on fighting anxiety and procrastination.

Download it for free here.

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How I Lost My Mojo (and Got it Back): Testosterone and Your Sex Drive

There’s a problem that men are facing across the world—a problem that few people are talking about, but a great many are experiencing. This problem needs a solution, but more than anything, it requires awareness.
The problem, very simply, is that men are dying; at least, metaphorically. Their manhood is dying.
Men are less manly. That’s not an opinion; it’s a fact.
If you want to be a little more scientific and a little less dramatic about it, testosterone levels are dropping—rapidly. And not just in older men; whereas decades ago, this was thought only to affect men in their late 30’s and beyond, it’s now beginning to affect men as young as 22.
It’s so bad that researchers from Massachusetts found that the average man’s testosterone (not just older men) has dropped 22% in the last 20 years, and that one out of every four men has below average testosterone.
If those facts don’t scare you, if the fact that it’s very possible that you’re suffering from low T doesn’t scare you, then you may not know all of the devastating effects this condition can have.
One of the most devastating effects of low T—and it’s the one that manifests itself most frequently—is low sex drive. Today, I’d like to share the some information about this problem, to help you understand epidemic this problem truly is. It’s a bit scary, but it applies to EVERY guy, no matter how old you are. So read on—because I’m also going to share some insight about how to fix it.

Why Sex Drive Is Important

Well, because sex is important.
And not just in that joking way, but in the serious way that it’s scientifically proven that your sexuality is a hugely important facet of who you are. As men, to some extent, we internally define ourselves by aspects of our sexuality—our virility, desirability, and performance all factored into our assessment of who we are as men. Now, before you dismiss this, hear me out, because there is science here.
Feeling actualized as a sexual being is a factor in self-esteem; this is just one of the idiosyncrasies of being human. While it certainly applies to women, for men, the relationship between self-esteem and sexuality is especially strong.
It’s been shown that this is just one of the (many) complications that comes of being born with a penis. Put another way, from the perspective of evolutionary psychology, your manhood and your, um,manhood are indelibly tied together.
Evolution and psychology notwithstanding, speaking purely personally, my sexual identity was part of my overall identity. And then one day it was gone.
It may have been a gradual decline that I didn’t notice, but it felt like stepping off a cliff. I simply woke up one morning and didn’t want to have sex. And, I don’t just mean with my girlfriend (which I could have written off as relationship boredom), but with anyone.
Sex was no longer interesting to me. Not just uninteresting, but also unappealing to the point of revulsion. The thought of a woman touching me made my skin crawl. If you’ve experienced low sex drive, you can relate; all of the people I’ve spoken to in my interviews for the book reported a similar feeling. (If you’ve never experienced it, the best way I can describe to you is the feeling of being really full to the point of nauseous, and then someone you care about trying to feed a home cooked meal…and then gettingreally upset when you didn’t want to eat it.)
These subjects also discussed the feelings of shame and guilt associated with low sex drive—shame for not wanting sex, guilt for the way it made their partners feel.
At first, I was bothered by the void—the hole left by not wanting sex, and all the extra time on my hands from not having it. For a time, Iwanted to want sex. Eventually, it stopped bothering me. Then, in moments of reflection, in the early hours of the night when I was pretending to be asleep in an effort to avoid another conversation about it, I was bothered about not being bothered about it. And then that stopped too. From that point on, I watched with a strange sort of detached bemusement as the ramifications of my condition tainted piece after piece of my life.
Needless to say, my relationship was one of the casualties. After nearly eight months of incredibly infrequent and probably lackluster sex, my lady and I called it quits. A dearth of sex is dangerous in any relationship, is it leads to lack of intimacy and a widening fissure between partners. Some relationships can survive that; mine couldn’t. She’d had enough of feeling unwanted and unattractive, and I’d had enough of feeling guilty about making her feel that way.
This happens more than you can imagine, and as covered in a 2009 piece in a New York Times blog, psychologists see over and over that when sex stops in a relationship, the couple begins to struggle with lessening intimacy—and the longer that relationship goes without sex, the harder it is to reclaim intimacy.
For many couples, that starts with testosterone. For this reason and a host of others, low T can cause depression, lack of ambition, and even thoughts of suicide. It didn’t go quite that far for me, thankfully, but it certainly wasn’t fun.
Here’s the truly scary part: I didn’t actually know I had low testosterone. I had no idea what was causing the issue; all I knew is that I wasn’t who I had been. I had lost not just one part of myself, but several—because the fact is, sex drive is strongly tied to all drive.When it drops, so too does your ambition, and your motivation toachieve that ambition.
For me, it felt like I’d become a different person, a lesser man. Without exaggeration, ever part of my life was negatively affected: my relationships, my sleep patterns, and my physique—even my productivity and business were all hampered.
Eventually, I spoke to a friend of mine who suggested I get my testosterone levels checked. They were low, in a relative since—certainly lower than they should have been at my age. I measured less than 400ng/dl. This is right about the point where research suggests many men begin to experience to symptoms of low T.
Unfortunately, that still fell within the range of “normal”, because that range is so vast. Depending on which lab you get tested at, “average” can be from as low as 260ng/dl (nanograms per decaliter) to as high as 1080ng/dl). Meaning, that if you’re at around 800ng/dl and your testosterone falls by 50%, you’re still within the “reference range”, and therefore, not be considered low. (As a related aside, this is something I humbly suggest needs to addressed by the medical community.)
The problem for me personally became that I was in a strange grey area—I was low enough to be experiencing a ton of symptoms, but too high to qualify for treatment of any kind. My doctor advised me that while my levels were low for my age, they were still technically normal, and I just had to deal with it. Very rarely has stupider medical advice been given. I had to take matters into my own hands, and had two choices: I could either simply procure illegal testosterone and start injecting it, or figure out a way to increase T levels naturally.
Although I’d be lying if I said I didn’t briefly consider the former, in the end I’m happy to report I went the latter.
Over the course of the next several months, I dove into all the literature I could find and started making a lifestyle overhaul. My sex drive returned—rather rapidly. In 6 weeks I felt different. After 12, I got tested again, and my testosterone levels had literally doubled—doubled! I was productive again. I started dating. I reclaimed my physique and liked the way I looked again. I felt ALIVE again.
As you might imagine, I was struck by how well it worked, and how simple it had been, once I knew what to do.
And I decided that eventually, I would write my book about it—because I felt that men truly needed it. In the process of my research, for both my personal use and the book, I came to realize just how much men need it, how epidemic this problem really is.
The goal of Man 2.0 was, from the outset, to not only provide a solution to a huge problem, but also to create awareness of it. This article will certainly create some awareness, but I’d like to use it to provide a solution. While I can’t be as starkly informative as I am in the book, below you’ll find three high-yield tips to naturally increase your testosterone and improve your sex drive.

How to Increase Testosterone Naturally

Reduce Carbohydrate Intake

More and more, it’s becoming obvious that high carbohydrate diets are a pretty bad idea for the majority of people. In this specific case, as usual, the reason is insulin; although insulin is produced when you eat any food, the insulin response to carbohydrates is significantly greater than the response to fat or protein. Insulin affects your testosterone and sex drive in a number of ways.
Firstly, production of insulin halts secretion of growth hormone, which potentiates testosterone production. Secondly, chronically elevated insulin levels have been show to increase the likelihood of erectile dysfunction.
Limiting carbohydrate in helps to reduce the production of insulin, and help avoid the sexual issue that can arise.

Reduce Your Body Fat

As if your really needed another reason to bring your body fat down—because, you know, diabetes and heart disease just aren’t scary enough—men with lower levels of body fat are consistently tested with higher testosterone.
Conversely, men with higher body fat have greater levels of estrogen. This piece mentions the relationship between testosterone and body fat, but suffice it to say that getting leaner will improve your T levels and sex drive. But, since you’re going to follow the first tip and lower carbs, losing body fat won’t be an issue, so you’re set.

Increase Dietary Fat Intake—Especially Saturated Fat

For years, people have been afraid of fat and cholesterol, despite the fact that avoiding them seems to not be slowing the growth of the obesity epidemic at all. Gripes aside, fat isn’t just “not that bad” for you—it’s far healthier than you’ve been led to believe.
Further study is needed to confirm this, but seems likely that the “health issues” that are sometimes thought to be correlated with high dietary fat and cholesterol intake are probably more do to other lifestyle factors.
For example, despite the fact that high fat intake has been linked to heart disease, the recent popularity of the Paleo diet has produced a tremendous amount of anecdotal evidence that people on higher fat, lower carbohydrate diets do not seem to experience a radical increase in cholesterol—particularly when this diet is combined with exercise.
In fact, often times cholesterol levels go down. Most importantly, the ratio of HDL:LDL tends to improve, as do other markers of health, like total triglyceride count, which decreases.
More importantly, concern about “high cholesterol” is generally overblown, because cholesterol is largely misunderstood. Something to consider is that cholesterol is actually a pre-cursor toall sex hormones—including testosterone. And so, for men looking to increase testosterone and sex drive, avoiding dietary fat and cholesterol is a bad idea. In fact, it’s been suggested that increasing cholesterol increases testosterone.
Wanna safeguard your sex drive? Bring on the bacon!

Final Thoughts

As I mentioned above, low sex drive is a harrowingly trying problem to deal with, and it’s more common than you think, because low Testosterone is truly epidemic. And while deceased libido is, for most men, an unavoidable consequence of low testosterone, what’snot inevitable is the drop in T.
The first thing you need to do: get tested.
From there, there are natural ways to increase your testosterone levels. Chad Howse breaks down the simple changes that you can make to your diet and lifestyle. Not only is it not your fault, it is something you can COMPLETELY control.
Chad also walks you through the 5 signs that indicate a fall in testosterone. It’s a great article.
Even if you’re not currently experiencing any of the symptoms, you should at least know your T levels so that you have a baseline of comparison for the future. From there, follow the above tips to start taking control of your body and creating a hormonal environment that will facilitate a healthy, well-balanced life—one that includes sex.
This article originally appeared on romanfitnesssytems.com.
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roman-headshotJohn Romaniello is an entrepreneur, angel investor, and New York Times bestselling author.
An advisor to nearly a dozen fitness and tech companies, Romaniello has written for a myriad of publications covering topics ranging from insulin sensitivity to investment strategy, and has been featured in dozens of publications and on a number of TV shows.
He loves the NY Jets, unicorns, sarcasm, and writing about himself in the third person.

Man Of The Week – Grayson Miller

Grayson Miller provides coaching, strong leadership and is a mentor to his team at StyleDemocracy. At StyleDemocracy, Grayson takes on the role of Vice President, digital director and content creator, spearheading the company’s development with their blog, social media outlets and marketing strategies for clients and followers. He focuses on the development of his team and allowing each individual to express creativity, vision and passion so that they excel in the work environment and feel fulfilled in doing so. A sacrificial leader, Grayson leads by example and ensures he has given his team enough support, love and encouragement to kick-start their entrepreneurial spirit and hopefully launch their dreams. Check out our newest Man Of The Week, Grayson Miller!

Age: 29

What do you do?
I am the Vice President – Digital for StyleDemocracy. I oversee and develop all of StyleDemocracy’s digital initiatives. In addition to that, I work closely with brands, helping them tell their stories to digital audiences.

Why do you do it?
I do it because retail, fashion, and digital marketing are all great passions of mine. I love telling stories and I find that the world of content creation and digital marketing is always evolving, which forces you to continually grow, learn, and challenge yourself.

How do you make a difference in the world?
Tough question. StyleDemocracy provides access to off-price clothing for our members and shoppers. For some, the savings on clothing actually makes a discernible difference in their lives. On a personal level, I have work experience in the mental health arena. Due to my knowledge, I have been able to guide people in the right direction in seeking help and support for mental health issues.

What are 3 defining moments in your life?
– Getting cut from my high school hockey team – I thought that I was guaranteed to make the team. I made it before so I coasted. It taught me that you always have to work for the stuff that you want, and that nothing in life is guaranteed. There is always someone behind you who will gladly take your place, so if you don’t continue to work and improve, you’ll often fall behind.
– Meeting my current partner – She’s the best. Always supportive and always pushes me to achieve my goals.
– Working for StyleDemocracy – I started out as an intern and today I am the Vice-President. My life would be drastically different if I took a different direction.

What is your life purpose?
I have much respect for people who are able to answer this question. I haven’t figured it out yet.

How did you tap into it?
I try to be the best that I can be every day. It’s hard and challenging for me. Being better is what motivates me.

Role-Model?
My father. Hard working, well dressed, never gives up. I try to live my life like that.

Do you have any daily habits?
I want to work on forming better daily habits. I try to take at least 30 minutes for myself every day. I might go for a run, sit by myself, read a book. It really doesn’t matter what it is, I just try to be one with myself for at least 30 minutes a day to block out the noise of everyday life.

When do you know your work balance is off?
When I’m not creative or I don’t feel like working. The not wanting to work part is the biggest sign to me that I’m tired. If I feel that way, I know that something is wrong.

Vulnerability is a challenge for most men – share a vulnerable moment from your life with us.
I’ve had some close friends and family that have dealt with serious mental health issues. These issues challenge you to become more accepting and understanding. It has been a hard road for me in dealing with people that I love who suffer from mental illness. It can take every ounce of your strength to not feel like a victim and realize that mental health issues don’t discriminate and can affect people from all walks of life. It made me vulnerable because I always want to help people that I love, and sometimes you can’t do it on your own. Not having the answers is one of my most vulnerable feelings. You have to look inward to have the strength to deal with it.

What did you learn from it?
I learned to be more understanding and to be patient with people. It has helped me learn that people all have their own issues and in business and life, and you have to know how to be accommodating and compassionate.

How do you be the best partner?
I communicate about everything – probably in excess, but I find that even in long-term relationships, ambiguity can arise unless communication is constant.  I also always let her know that I have her back no matter what. I’m always one call away and while I may not always understand, I will always listen and give her 100% of my focus when she needs it.

Do you support any charities?
I have supported CAMH in the past. As you probably already know from reading this article, I have friends and family that deal with mental health issues. I support CAMH because I feel that Mental Health support and awareness needs to improve in our city.

If your life had a theme song, what would it be?
Kanye West – Can’t Tell Me Nothing

Where do you see yourself in three years?
The President of StyleDemocracy – Digital

What legacy do you want to leave for future generations?
While it has improved a lot and there are many fantastic black business leaders, I would like to continue to instill the knowledge that race and ethnicity should not limit your ambitions and that with hard work, anyone can achieve parts of their dreams.

What one book would you recommend for any man?
Between the World and Me by Ta-Nehisi Coates

If you know a Man that is making a positive impact on the world, we would love to hear from you! Contact us at [email protected]

 

How Reflecting on Death Improves Your Life

-1-

Summer of 2010: I was on a camping trip with 11 guy friends in Quebec. We were all healthy, playful and happy. M* died on that camping trip. He drowned. He was 27.
Winter of 2011: I was in Washington, DC preparing for a speaking tour. One night, C* called me. He told me that our close friend M* (a different M*) was dead. M* took his own life. He was like a brother to C* and I. He was 24.
Summer 2013: I was in New England for the week. As I was leaving a friend’s house, I got an email from L*. She told me that R* was dead. His heart stopped while he was in China. He was 28.

-2-

If you want to evaluate your life, the most important question you could possibly ask is, “Am I loving to the best of my ability?”
We’d all like to believe that we love fully, but the truth is more complicated; living from the heart is difficult. It requires facing – and then transcending – your core fears.
There’s a key that makes facing your fears easier, but it requires insane courage. Its gravity is so significant that it’s nearly impossible to comprehend. That key?
Accepting your own mortality.

-3-

Let’s start with the simple truths: one day you will die. So will everyone you have ever loved and everyone who has ever loved you.
A more complicated truth: you have no idea when your day will come.

-4-

The denial of death is the denial of self. Death is woven into every fiber of your being. It cannot be separated from life.
And yet, most people avoid acknowledging the presence of death. They refuse to talk about it, let alone open their hearts to it. To do this is to deny the truth of being alive.
Most of us get swept away by the sheer inertia of life. We become entranced, repeating the same flawed routines again and again and again. We allow ourselves to be manipulated by toxic people, the media, politicians, our demons, and the culture we exist in.
Reminding yourself that all of this ends, can help snap you out of the trance, and give you the confidence to take control.

-5-

When you open your heart to the inevitable reality of death you’ll notice that it creates a renewed sense of urgency about living.
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Click here to get more wisdom from Jason Connell.
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Realizing your own mortality connects you to the innate potential of this exact moment. Mortality strips away the lies, excuses, and illusions that have been holding you back. Beneath them, you’ll find abundant reserves of power, freedom, and agility.

-6-

A few practical approaches for opening yourself more fully to life even in the face of your own inevitable death:

  •      Make love to your partner like it’s your last night together
  •      Drop to your knees and offer yourself in pure devotion to whatever, God, Goddess, spirit, or science you believe in
  •      Quit the job or close the business that’s been eating you alive
  •      Allow yourself to finally break and feel the things you’ve been avoiding
  •      Rent a fast sports car and drive it through the twisting mountain roads
  •      Book the trip you’ve been dreaming of
  •      Strip away the white lies you’ve been telling yourself and the world (even when it hurts)
  •      Stop playing it safe

Risk living your dreams. It’s ok if you don’t have a plan. Your path will emerge as you walk it.  Cast away the illusion of not being ready, or worthy, or capable, and begin. Now is the time. It always has been.

-7-

“But isn’t this risky?” you ask. “Can’t things go wrong when you speak your truth, chase your dreams, and confront the things you’ve been avoiding?”
Yes.
And that’s the point.
Maybe you will run out of money. Maybe your heart will break.  Maybe the plane will crash. Maybe the conversation will go poorly. Maybe you’ll have no idea where the path is leading you.
That’s ok.
Because you know what else is completely possible? Dwindling your life away at a job you hate, mindlessly clicking on link after link after link online, getting caught up in drama, and being controlled by fear and anxiety, only to die shrouded in lies and regrets. In fact, it’s not just possible – it’s normal.

-8-

A tool for connecting to all of this: imagine that you’re on your deathbed, looking back at your life. Imagine two different versions.
The first version was ruled by fear. You wanted to quit your corporate job to work for a non-profit, but you were afraid of making less money, so you remained in a career you hated. You wanted to open up to the people you love, but you were afraid of vulnerability, so you remained closed off. You wanted to have a richer life experience, but you were afraid of getting the help you needed, so you treated yourself as though you were unimportant.
The second version was ruled by love. You wanted to quit your corporate job to work for a non-profit, and you did, despite the salary cut. You wanted to open up to the people you loved, so you took the risk of being vulnerable, even though it was massively difficult. You wanted to have a richer life experience, so you got the help you needed, even though admitting that you need help felt next to impossible.
Now pause and reflect on the two different paths. The life led by fear ends up bleak and incomplete. The life led by love ends up vivacious and dynamic. Both are realistic and available to you.  Both are created by decisions made in this moment. The question is, do you have the courage to walk the path with heart? (The answer, I promise, is yes. You do have the courage.)

-9-

Should you start to lose faith in yourself, come back to this moment and stare death straight in the eye. Acknowledge that soon, you’ll no longer exist. Allow the life force to come back into your body. Return to yourself, and begin again

-10-

I’ll leave you with a quote from the Dalai Lama that I think of often. He was once asked what surprised him most about humanity. He answered,
“Man. Because he sacrifices his health in order to make money. Then he sacrifices money to recuperate his health. And then he is so anxious about the future that he does not enjoy the present, the result being that he does not live in the present or the future. He lives as if he is never going to die, then dies having never really lived.”
Don’t let that happen to you. Live and love while you still can, because one day, all of this will end.
This article originally appeared here.
Read More By Jason Connell on the ManTalks Blog:
Looking for Happiness? First Let the Crippling Pain of Existence Destroy You
5 Things About Sobriety That Surprised Me
The Art of Giving Back: An Unconventional Approach to Negotiation
How Should a Man Be at 30?
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author_shot (1)

Jason Connell is a speaker and writer who teaches confidence, self-love, and self-compassion.
He’s worked with everyone from Senior members of the Obama administration and professional athletes to middle school students and emerging entrepreneurs.
He shares his thoughts on life, authenticity, and power at: JasonConnell.co.
 

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The Fallacy of Domestic Violence

The Problem Is Old

Growing up I lived with my best friend who was in a physically abusive relationship. He regularly endured a barrage of punches, scratches, kicks and all-out violence—along with a host of verbal abuse. His girlfriend sometimes came at him with a weapon, breaking down doors and cornering him in a room. He’d spend hours trying to talk her down, and when it became too much, he’d phone the police.
This is where the situation always took a confusing turn. Every time the RCMP showed up, he was detained, handcuffed and unapologetically thrown in the back of a police car while his partner was questioned and searched for injuries.
The cops held my friend in the backseat while they spoke to his girlfriend, trying to sort out what had happened. When it was clear she was the one inflicting the violence, he was let out of handcuffs, both were given a haphazard lecture, then the cops darted off without any type of follow-up.
Finally one time it became too much. The cops showed up and my friend, frustrated and displeased at being detained once again, resisted and received a rather vicious trip to the back of a patrol vehicle. I was home and protested out on the driveway but the cops were dismissive and oddly apologetic.
“We’re just doing what we’ve been trained to do,” one said to me as my friend sat battered and bruised in the back of the car like a criminal.
For all his faults, my buddy was raised properly, in that a man was to never lay a hand on a woman—ever. His confusion is what stuck with me, he literally had no idea what to do, or how to mitigate what was a very violent, unpredictable partner who was causing him immense stress and physical pain. Of course the relationship ended, violently, yet he escaped.
I saw firsthand what the experience did, souring him not only to partnership and cohabitation, but the entire construct of law and order. The criminal justice system was not something he could rely on to protect himself in a very serious time of need. Friends and family weren’t much help either—the idea of a man as the victim in an abusive relationship was laughable. He was told to toughen up, or straighten out his woman.

The Research Doesn’t Fit The Cultural Narrative

I know what you’re thinking, this is an outlier, a minority situation which holds no real weight inside the monstrous world of domestic violence. To be honest, up until about a month ago, I would have completely agreed with you.
Then a friend sent me a link to a piece by Vancouver Sun columnist Douglas Todd. He’d spoken to renowned University of British Columbia psychologist Don Dutton, who was lobbying the Premier about the B.C. government’s failed approach to domestic violence.
Citing multiple large peer-reviewed surveys, Dutton and others in the field found the most common form of domestic violence (50%) is bilateral, matched for severity by each partner. The second most common form of domestic violence (35%) is perpetrated by women against non-violent men, and the third most common is male violence against females (15%).
However Dutton and counsellors at Nanaimo’s Men’s Centre stated the overall majority of the tens of millions the provincial government spends on domestic violence goes solely to women. Dutton received a canned response from the Premier’s office, stating those funds are available to both sexes, but when you go to the province’s website on the issue, on the top right reads a banner “What is Violence Against Women?” and directly below that is a page link that leads to a headline written in bold: “Women are predominately at risk of violence.”
The study reminds me of a The New York Times article I came across recently, which cites a National Bureau of Economic Research paper titled “An Empirical Analysis of Racial Differences in Police Use of Force.”
What it found caused a lot of controversy. Combing data from ten major American cities’ police departments, the findings showed that while African-Americans got manhandled more than whites, they were at no increased risk of being shot because of their skin colour—statistically speaking.
The author of the paper, economist Roland Fryer who himself is African-American, was just as shocked as anyone by the findings.
“It is the most surprising result of my career,” he said to The New York Times.
Fryer’s made a name for himself over the years for getting to the heart of what many believe is racial injustice, but the actual quantitative data he’s uncovered at times doesn’t necessarily back up popular sentiment.
One of Fryer’s earlier papers found black children with a 4.0 grade-point average have fewer black friends than those with a 3.5 average, which wasn’t true for their white counterparts when it comes to their black friends. The false idea that white kids are less inclined as they advance in education to have black friends might seem slightly trivial in the grand scheme of things, but it does speak to a larger cultural narrative we’re spinning that might not exactly be magnetic north.
To dismiss both Fryer and Dutton as fringe researchers is virtually impossible. Last year Fryer became the first African American to win the John Bates Clark Medal, awarded annually to the top U.S. economist under 40. Dutton has published a number of books on various psychological topics and his resume is a laundry list of talks, research, and accolades.
To label someone like Dutton as a proponent for Men’s Right’s Activism flies in the face of the fact that many within his field are quite supportive of him trying to bring these findings to light. As noted in Todd’s piece, Professor Sara Desmarais, who has a PhD in psychology from Simon Fraser University recently did a meta-analysis which resulted in similar findings.
Desmarais looked at 249 domestic violence studies, which totaled up to approximately 135,000 incidents. The research confirmed that female-perpetrated domestic violence is more prevalent than male. There are also multiple other studies confirming that domestic violence against men is climbing while instances against women are dropping, and that male-on-male violence still makes up the vast majority of murder.
This point was outlined in a TIME piece that looked at Soccer player Hope Solo, who continued to play for Team USA even after she was charged with domestic violence (Solo is still awaiting trial). The piece, written by Cathy Young, ended with a very sobering statement I’m not sure everyone is ready to hear yet: “Today, simplistic feminist assumptions about male power and female oppression effectively perpetuate those stereotypes. It is time to see women as fully human—which includes the dark side of humanity.”
One of the big driving factors for this skewed view of domestic violence runs back to the police. Men are much more reluctant than women to tell police they are the victims of domestic abuse. Most are too ashamed to even admit they’ve been assaulted in the first place. Men are incredibly wary of reporting domestic violence to the police, believing they will be cast a liar and treated as the aggressor. Once again these findings are backed up by multiple peer-reviewed studies, most notably Denise Hines, a research associate professor in the Department of Psychology at Clark University.

Data and Compassion Are Needed

Nobody’s denying the serious problem of domestic violence against women, or that systemic racism is not deeply embedded within Western cultures—or any culture for that matter. But what is important today, is to come at these discussions from a foundation of empirical facts and quantitative data. Nobody wins when we go with anecdotal evidence, long-held beliefs, or allow soapbox activists to drown out the complete story of what is most definitely a human issue, not simply a gender-based one. Discourse only works if the table is not improperly weighted to one side.
I often feel remorse thinking about my friend — with whom sadly I don’t speak to anymore — and his awful situation at the time. To be completely honest, I remember laughing at him one night out with the rest of the boys about his ‘problem’. He was the butt of the joke, getting pummeled repeatedly by someone half his size, only to have the cops come and do a number on him too.
We laughed it off, but his problem remained. Trapped between a rock and a hard place, with no one to turn to for help, he was a victim of domestic violence lost in the shuffle. I wish I could go back and help him, but I can’t — and at the time didn’t think I should — and that’s an Albatross I continue to carry.
Read More By Patrick Blennerhassett on the ManTalks Blog:
Dead Men: Our Quiet Suicide Epidemic
Letting Go of the Physicality of Youth
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Patrick Blennerhassett is a Vancouver-based writer and journalist. His non-fiction novel A Forgotten Legend: Balbir Singh Sr., Triple Olympic Gold & Modi’s New India was featured in such outlets as Maclean’s, the Vancouver Sun and on CBC. His fourth book The Fatalists, will be released this October.
Sign up to the ManTalks newsletter and every week we’ll send you an email with the week’s top articles and interviews.

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Man Of The Week – Mike Abramowitz

Mike Abramowitz is our newest Man Of The Week for his incredible journey in unlocking potential and impacting the lives of hundreds he’s worked with. Today Mike is a District Executive for Vector Marketing and the Founder of G.R.A.B. Tomorrow, which is a life skills development agency for young professionals in the greater Pinellas County area. Since earning his bachelors degree in industrial engineering with a minor in leadership studies from the University of South Florida in 2008, Mike has made a career in helping young professionals open their mindsets to what’s possible when they fully commit to creating a strong foundation for their lives outside of the classroom. Mike has a passion for providing tools, skills, and unlocking potential that’s buried under socio-economic conditions & circumstances, lack of coaching, and fears that aspiring leaders face. He influences his students to understand that “Someday is NOW” and gives strategies to take immediate action and G.R.A.B. tomorrow (Grow, Re-evaluate, Appreciate, Believe).
Age:  31

What do you do? (Work)
I am a District Executive for Vector Marketing and Cutco Cutlery, founder of PB&J for Tampa Bay, which is an effort to feed 25,000 homeless people this year in the Tampa Bay area, and the founder of The G.R.A.B. Community, which is a community where young professionals develop life skills and take control of their lives outside of the classroom in order to GRAB Tomorrow.
Why do you do it?
I have a passion for providing tools, skills, and unlocking potential that’s buried under socio-economic conditions and circumstances, lack of coaching, and fears that aspiring leaders face.  Ive been blessed with abilities that others around me are still searching for. I help them find it.
How do you make a difference in the world? (Work, business, life, family, self)
Since earning my bachelor’s degree in industrial engineering with a minor in leadership studies from the University of South Florida in 2008, I have made a career in helping young professionals open their mindsets to what’s possible when they fully commit to creating a strong foundation for their lives.  I’ve trained and coached 4000+ young professionals to be entrepreneurs and sales representatives.  I’ve interviewed 10,000+ applicants.  As a keynote speaker, I have influenced 20,000+ audience members inside and outside of the classroom through 300+ hours of speaking.  Through PB&J for Tampa Bay, we have provided 25,000+ meals to those less fortunate.
What are 3 defining moments in your life?
 – Witnessing my mother battle with cancer for 4 years and seeing her be strong and weak at the same time. This unlocked an inner strength in myself that I never knew existed.
– Losing my best friend in a fatal car crash when we were both 27 years old because it gave me such an appreciation for living a life versus just being alive.
– Losing my my investment properties and $130,000 during the market collapse and realizing that my self-worth is not tied to my net-worth.
What is your life purpose?
To help those around me unlock their potential, appreciate life, and not be victims to their circumstances regardless of how much adversity that they experience.  The best success stories had some of the toughest challenges.  To help people move past their past and into a future filled with opportunity, possibility, gratitude, and excitement.
How did you tap into it?
By surrounding myself around people who care enough about me to challenge my patterns, thoughts, and habits in order to prove to myself what my life could look like through a different lens.  My potential was buried and those around me helped me unlock it, including perspectives from books and seminars from people that I have never met personally.
Who is your Role-Model or Mentor?
Mom for her strength and love
– Dad for his kind heart to strangers and ambition
– Michael Jordan for his work ethic and determination through challenges
– Tony Robbins for his wisdom and principles he lives his life by
– Matt King for his constant support, encouragement, and perspectives

Do you have any daily habits? If so, what are they?
A friend of mine, Hal Elrod from the Miracle Morning Community, introduced me to a philosophy called SAVERS, which has been a game changer for the past decade of my life. When I am at my best, I begin my day with the following:
S – Silence/Meditation/Deep Breathing
A – Affirmations/Incantations
V – Vision Board
E – Exercise/Yoga/Stretching/Foam Rolling
R – Read
S – Scribe/Journal through my thoughts/emotions and plans for that day
By giving myself clarity and intention for my day, it allows me to stay present and focused throughout my day.
 When do you know your work/life balance is off?
My work/life balance is always off.  I do not desire balance in my life.  I desire CANI – (Constant And Never-ending Improvement) Balance to me is having an equal distribution of my time dedicated to certain areas. A great book by Matthew Kelly titled Off-Balance helped me become aware of being present with my life and invest time into the people, places, things, and activities that are in alignment with driving long term satisfaction and happiness. So, the key is being present.  When I feel like I am distracted or not present, I will grab my journal and answer the following questions:
– How do I feel?
– Why do I feel this way?
– How do I want to feel?
– What actions can I take to feel this way?
– Then I take some deep breaths and get back to being present.  I choose to control my emotions when I become aware that I am not fully engaged in my life.
 Vulnerability is a challenge for most men – share a vulnerable moment from your life with us.
After my mother passed away, my dad and I took a trip to Hawaii to get quality time together and really connect.  My expectation going into the trip was to help him understand the tension that has been built amongst some family members about him having a girlfriend only 3 months after his wife (my mother) died.  A lot of animosity and discomfort to say the least.  So, my goal was to create some level of resolve and keep the family together.
After a first attempt of bringing this to his attention, I was shut down.  He had a shield over his emotions and would not let me in.  He reacted as if he didn’t care about what others thought and he needed to focus on his sanity, not others.  He began to push me away, as if he didn’t need me in his life either.  At 21 years old, of course this would hurt anyone, but tapping into a very vulnerable place, I made an important point to my dad that would hurt him and elevate our relationship at the same time.
“I need you to be mom and dad right now.” — unsure of where these words came from, but they poured out of my mouth.  “Im not ready to bury my mother, but I had to.  You’re not prepared to be both parents, but I am asking you to.  I need you now more than ever.  I need your encouragement, your emotional support, and your love.  Do not push me away.” — as tears pour down my cheeks.
Although my dad did not receive my request initially, he understood that I was not coming from a place of anger towards him, but from a position of pain, suffering, and trauma.  By him seeing and hearing that I needed him, truly below the surface of conscious emotion, I unlocked the beginning of a relationship with my dad that continues to flourish.  He is my best friend.

 What did you learn from it?
I learned that no matter how painful it is to risk vulnerability by sharing my feelings with someone else, it will always benefit me.  If I don’t communicate my feelings, I might be chasing after something that can never satisfy me.  If my dad neglected or rejected me, I would still need to survive without him and I would not invest my energy into an unwanted space.  By communicating, I can begin to create resolve and build a new, stronger relationship moving forward.

 If you are or were going to be a mentor for another man, what is one piece of advice you would give him?
Live with purpose and gratitude.  Stay focused on what truly brings you passion or aggressively find that and appreciate that journey and the people on it with you.
 How do you be the best partner (Boyfriend/Husband- past or present)
– Admit when I am wrong.
– Apologize when I simply react instead of giving a thought out response.
– Know her Love Language and satisfy that need whenever I see fit.  It will be one of the following: words, touch, time, service, gifts.  My girlfriend’s is words, so I consciously give text messages, leave notes, give compliments, give praise, and appreciate her whenever I can.  Not because I am supposed to and not to manipulate, just simply to make sure she receives love the way she desires to.
– Cuddling.
– Putting the phone away when we are together.
– Ask her about her day before telling about mine.
– Actively Listen.

 Do you support any Charities or Not-for-profits? (Which one(s) and why?)
“PB&J for Tampa Bay” is an effort to feed 25,000 homeless people this year in the Tampa Bay area. We recognize that those less fortunate, who find themselves upon hard times, should never be overlooked or given up on. Life is unpredictable and at any moment the tragedy of an unforeseen circumstance or disaster could leave even the most stable person in a similar situation.
If your life had a theme song, what would it be?
Miley Cyrus – The Climb
Where do you see yourself in 3 years?
Physical – Best shape of my life at 185 pounds, able to do 10 pull ups, 50 push ups, and eliminate my back pain
Financial – 20 streams of income
Career – 10+ books released, international speaker, running a thriving business in the Hall of Fame with my company
Contribution – Expand PB&J for Tampa Bay to USA and have 100+ locations nationwide feeding 600,000+ per year
Mental – read 50+ more books
Adventure – traveled to a few of my dream locations, including an African Safari, South American Jungle Waterfall tour, sky dive (anywhere), ski Whistler
Relationships – married and having my first born, hosted a family reunion, have a dog
What legacy do you want to leave for future generations?
I want people to be “good-finders” in themselves and in those around them. Everyone deserves to feel good.
In an unjust situation, I want someone to find their inner patience and acceptance. In a thriving situation, I want someone to share with others and spread those vibes.  The pay-it-forward concept will eventually catch up to the local community, into the city, into the state, into the country, and then the world … one person at a time.
What One book would you recommend for any Man?
Daring Greatly by Brene Brown
If you know a Man that is making a positive impact on the world, we would love to hear from you! Contact us at [email protected]

Seeking a Life Free of Addiction Started With a Choice

It was on January 1st, 2010 that I made a decision that forever changed my life…2
Up until that point I believed there were aspects of my life that were out of my control. Bad things happened to everyone, especially me, and unfortunate circumstances were not my fault and just part of life. My ‘situations’ were thrust upon me, largely due to a belief that I was a magnet for finding myself in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Aside: Seriously? Did I believe that crap? Short answer, yes…yes I did.

 The following is a short video message I recorded just before hitting ‘publish’ on this article.

The Choice that Determined the Rest of My Life

We are what we pretend to beThat cold, wet morning I was awakened by a feeling that wasn’t new to me. It was like I had a 9 inch nail thrust through the middle of one temple, protruding straight through my cranium and exploding out the other side. I could feel my eyes expanding and retracting against my eyelids – pulsing, beat after beat with the throbbing of my temples. Everything hurt. When I finally pried my sweat-laden face from my Berber carpet, peeling open my sleep-crusted eyes, I realized I was home. The piercing daylight peeking through the blinds confirmed the world was still doing fine without me.
As I rose up off the floor I heard laughing from downstairs. My two little girls were giggling as I heard the all too familiar lyric ring out, “backpack, backpack… backpack, backpack”. Dora, Dora, Dora… oh how I detest thee, let me count the ways.
As I made my way downstairs, I walked down through the clouds of slightly overcooked grilled cheese sandwiches. My wife, Christie, was jamming dishes into the dishwasher as I caught her fleeting glance as she turned her attention back to the dishwasher. Head slightly cocked to the left, even though she wasn’t looking me straight on, I could tell that tinge-o-ginge death-stare was fully locked and loaded. She quickly stood up, put the dishwasher on, grabbed her cup of coffee, turning her attention to the kitchen table. As she sat down she made one hell of a clash, slamming her porcelain happy face mug down on top of the glass-topped kitchen table. The kids didn’t even turn their heads.

Brie and char January 2010
Brie and Chardonae in January 2010

I wish I could say this was a one-off occurrence, but we’d been here before. Felt a bit like Groundhog Day — we had been here a lot. But there was something different that day, everything felt off. I felt off. I couldn’t shake the feeling of finality. It was like the moment you realize you’re in a dream and that you have complete control over what happens next. But, in realizing that you are in fact dreaming, you also realize that you are going to wake up and the optimistic world of new possibilities will come to an end.
I felt awake.
In the past I would make a joke and apologize for drinking myself into a stupor. I’d apologize for every disrespectful or hurtful thing I’d done the night before. I’d defer blame to the people, place or ‘special’ event. “Baby, you know how it goes, it wasn’t my fault…I shouldn’t have had that last drink… I shouldn’t have mixed my alcohols…” and my reasoning continued. Ultimately coming to the conclusion, “That’s the last time I will ever do that. Trust me, I will never drink that much again.
I felt really awake.
Awake and unhappy – reminiscent of a time in my life when at 14 I faced a similar rock bottom situation. I could blame everything and everyone at that moment, but I knew deep down, without a doubt, that my unhappiness was my choice.
Christie was right (she normally is), it didn’t matter how much good I did as a father, husband, brother, business person, community leader, or whatever label I decided to wear on a given day, because it could not out do one night of poor choices.

Christie-january-2010-antique
Christie – my tinge-o-ginge and BFF (January 2010)

I was living a cliché. Alcohol to me was like drugs to an anesthesiologist – it was my numbing agent. It was a crutch I chose to use all too often to escape the responsibilities of life. Life (so I thought) was hard. When faced with stressful situations or choices, it was easier to uncork a bottle of wine or twist-off of a cap from a bottle of beer. I was conditioned to the “buzz” and “haze” that alcohol enveloped around me. Like my daughter’s safety blanket that soothed her to sleep on restless nights, booze had become that thing I chose to calm myself. It was something I believed I needed and I chose it freely.
Christie was thumbing through the flyers on the table like a cat kneading a litter box before it has its morning sit. I made my way to the table to have a seat. Her eyes glazed over as her gaze came to fix itself on the .99 cent cans of tuna. She stopped then looked up at me. For all that know Christie, she is the most caring, generous, uplifting person you will ever meet. She has a way of making you believe you can do anything you want and that no obstacle is too daunting. Christie is the one person who never lost hope in me, even in my most depressed states and on my misguided days, she was always there to love me. But the look I got from her that morning on January 1st, 2010, was like nothing I’d ever seen before. At that moment, I knew I had lost her.
Einstein once said the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Based on my lifestyle choices I was down right loony. I was at a crossroads. I could continue doing what I was doing, choosing to make drinking my frequent reprieve from life or I could own my current life at that exact moment and start making choices that added sunlight to my life and not shelter myself in darkness.

INSANITY is CHOOSING to do the same thing over and over and expecting CHANGE

Before Christie could say anything, I asked her to come join the kids on the couch so I could tell them something very important. Not amused and seemingly disinterested, Christie stood up and made her way to the girls and sat down between them, throwing her long slender arms around their tiny shoulders, pulling them in close to her bosom. She gave them a big squeeze, smiles filling their faces. I sat down at the coffee table in front of the TV, Chardonae and Brie stretched their necks to see what grand adventure Dora had to tackle next. They sighed as I turned off the TV.
“Girls, Daddy has something I want to tell you.” My eyes sweeping over them, “I’m not going to be drinking any more.”
Chardonae, my eldest, stared at me through her glasses. Due to a lazy eye needing strengthening, her eyes appeared three times their actual size when she gazed through her prescription lenses. Such beautiful eyes, and when she looked at me I could tell she saw her shiny prince – her hero – her dad. “No more coffee, Daddy?” she blurted.
Christie smirked.
“No baby, daddy isn’t going to be drinking ‘special adult’ drinks anymore”, I replied. “I’m going to need your help though. You, Brie and Mommy too. I’m making some changes.”
Brie looked at me, “What about pop?”
“Pop, coffee, bubbly water, those are drinks I choose to drink still. But I’m not going to be drinking any of the adult drinks like wine and beer. You know what I mean?” I made sure to look them each in the eye, looking for acceptance, remembering to smile with my eyes like Christie always does.
They both smiled and nodded. “Can we see what happens to Dora?” Brie asked.
“Yes, baby, let’s see what adventure she has coming up next.” I felt my eyes watering up as I stood up and made my way back to the kitchen table. Christie followed.
She sat down. Not saying a word. Reached out and grabbed my hand pulling me in close, and hugging me so tightly I could feel the air being wrung from my lungs. It felt amazing. I never wanted the feeling to end.
Christie whispered in my ear, “I’m not ready to give up on you, Dai.” “You have a lot of work to do, but we’ll support you. But if you aren’t making this decision for you…”
I sobbed. She stopped talking. The sun warmed my back as she caressed my neck. That was the first day of the rest of my life.

ME and the Family Now
ME and the Family Now

Did the Bottle Choose Me or Did I Choose the Bottle?

Before you jump to conclusions or try to guess the “why” behind my actions, let me share a few things with you. I was never a compulsive drinker; I didn’t drink everyday; I wasn’t a “bad drunk” or for that matter even a “good drunk”, but what I was most of all was unhappy.
Christie often asks me, Are you being the type of man you would want to marry your daughters one day?
My decisions and actions didn’t reflect the type of man I wanted to be. No one person wakes up one day and says today I’m going to be a drunk. Alcohol wasn’t the culprit – it had no power over me. I chose to drink as a way to escape, making my decisions freely and without coercion. Drinking alcohol, like many other decisions I made in my life at that time further reinforced, and added to, my unhappiness.
So, why am I sharing this story with you now?
Over the past few years I’ve shared parts of this story during keynotes, podcast interviews, and most recently in my book the Whole Life Fitness Manifesto. To be honest, until my recent conversations with Saint Jude Retreats (www.soberforever.net), I couldn’t figure out exactly how I could help others achieve similar results. I knew what I had gone through, and continued to go through, was not the typical form of treatment (i.e. 12 step programs).

Why I believe a non-12-Step approach to treatment is worth exploring1

The few years before giving up alcohol, I had failed many times as empty promises went unfulfilled to my family and loved ones (and most importantly myself). I remember thinking I must have a problem; I’m a failure; there’s something clearly wrong with me… after all I keep choosing to put myself in these situations. I keep choosing to drink instead of following through on other commitments – even though they were the right things to do based on what I wanted in my life.

“I’m not telling you it’s going to be easy, but it’s going to be worth it!”

And so, I continuously opted for what I perceived as ‘easier’ and when given the chance would opt for the easy way round most of the time. Realizing that I was a walking cliché and based on my first research, I was led to a number of treatment groups. There I purchased books and digested an inordinate amount of literature detailing the process for a variety of “12-step” based programs. I struggled with coming to terms with why I couldn’t make the decision to change go beyond just a few months.
I felt like a failure.
I visited website after website, meeting after meeting, and found the same themes appearing again and again, reminding me that: 1. I’m powerless 2. I’m filled with guilt, regret and shame 3. I’m doomed to live a future tainted by my past transgressions and, 4. I must resolve to learn to live in a world of recovery and endless treatment.
This all seemed counter-intuitive to what I believed.
Please don’t misunderstand me, I’m not here to say treatment programs don’t work, but I struggle with advocating the ‘disease model’ of addiction. I found the underlying messages weren’t congruent with what I wanted — I wanted to be in control of my life along with the decisions and actions within it. However, based on the treatment model I found myself within, I was reminded over and over that it wouldn’t be possible because alcohol had a power over me and ultimately, my life. Until I submitted myself fully to that core belief, there would be nothing I could do to break the cycle of ‘addiction’.
My thoughts of all this? “No way, man!! There’s got to be another way!”

Alcohol Misuse was My Excuse!

It was a bad habit used to shirk my life responsibilities and numb pain from emotional issues I’d been harboring my entire life. My lifestyle choices were not in alignment with who I wanted to be nor the life I was trying to live.

“When a man cannot choose, he ceases to be a man.” ― Anthony Burgess

When we started our conversations, it was obvious that me and Saint Jude Retreatsshare a number of beliefs and values. Unknown to me, the process i found myself going through back in 2010 is something they’ve been working on for 26 years. Their entire system is setup to empower people with owning their decisions and happiness. The method for their system is based on Cognitive Behavioral Learning, which is a well-defined and thought out system for voluntary positive change based on free will and personal autonomy — they call this the “Freedom Model”.
When I started to explore this model, I realized it wasn’t new to me. I’ve experienced parts of the Freedom Model at various times in my life, including when I first overcame morbid obesity as a young teen, then 8 years later when I overcame body dysmorphia, and most recently when I chose to stop drinking alcohol in 2010.

The Freedom Model Triad and 4 Axioms that are hard to deny

The Freedom Model Triad, FMT for short, is composed of “3 vital, natural, undeniable and universal gifts all humans possess internally at birth”:

  1. The Positive Drive Principle (PDP) – this principle is the basis of all internal human motivation (including yours). It states: “All people always move in the direction of what they believe will make them happiest at every given moment in time.”
  2. Free will – you can, and do, choose all of your own thoughts and all of your behaviors based on your internal freedom of will.
  3. Personal Autonomy – you are a separate, completely independent being from all others, with thoughts that are yours and yours alone. This makes you completely free from the control of all others.

Thus the FMT can be summed up in one short and concise sentence:

All people have the natural right, the ability and the inherent tools to think freely within themselves and independently of all others, and can, and do, exercise and express those thoughts as behaviors through free will and free choice, from birth to death and that at any and every given instant in time a single internal drive motivates every human being: the pursuit of happiness.

When I first read this, I yelled to Christie in the other room, “That’s it! This is what I’m talking about in my book [WLFM]… Holy crap! I wish I knew about this [FMT] a long time ago. It would have saved me a lot of time and heartache.”
My MIND was BLOWN!
Without knowing it, the FMT was happening and helping me through each major decision I’ve made in my life. I’m not a psychologist, behaviorist, or any other -ist for that matter, but i know people. And I know what worked for me and a number of other people who I’ve seen overcome tremendous adversities in life. In particular people who have released significant amounts of weight or overcome health complications created through poor lifestyle choices. More impressive still is that they’ve kept the weight off their entire life and continue to make positive choices each day that reinforce the new lifestyle they’ve created. They have chosen to pursue a happier and healthier life.
(And just to hammer this point home, I’ve included a clip of one of my favorite scenes from ‘The Pursuit of Happyness‘ – don’t ever let anyone tell you what you can and can’t do!)

 
This isn’t a one-off, or some extraordinary circumstance, it happens often in the world. People overcome physical hardships, unhealthy habits, and mental barriers every day, but they share one commonality – choosing to change not for anyone else BUT for themselves. The choice to pursue a better outcome, something that made them happy, and not continue to make decisions that would lead further away, and into debilitating sadness.

“The soul becomes dyed with the colour of its thoughts.” ― Marcus Aurelius

As I explore my past actions and significant lifestyle choices I made 6 years ago, there’s one blaring, underlying theme that keeps coming to the forefront… “Power of Association”.
6 years ago I realized that my circle of influence – the people I was hanging around with 80% of the time – were not supportive of the changes I wanted to make in my life. I had to make some (at the time) tough decisions. I realized many of my social circles fed into the lifestyle choices and direction I was traveling, and the psychological inputs they were providing were not conducive to what I wanted in life. I severed those ties. Changed my inputs, so I was feeding my mind with positive thoughts, engaging-growth focused conversations and people with value systems I wanted to emulate. It was like I turned on a light switch.
Using the Kaizen principle, the Japanese process for continuous and gradual improvement, I would make small positive decisions that would bring me closer to my goal. One small decision, then another, followed by another, which would eventually lead me to something far greater and sustainable. In this case, it was my happiness.
change the people around you
I know what you’re thinking… ‘This sounds like it has all the makings of an after school TV special’. I wouldn’t blame you for thinking that, but I challenge you to ask yourself WHY would you think that.
Internal debate will ensue much like it did for me. Here are just a few of the questions I battled:

Am I truly powerless against certain things in my life? Was I addicted to food? To physical and mental attention? To self-loathing? To alcohol and other substances? Is there such a thing as addiction?

4 statements that are hard to deny

The more I explored these questions and took the time to learn about me, I’ve realized that the Cognitive Behavioral Education’s 4 axioms are universally true.

  1. Change is constant;
  2. I’m a product of what I think;
  3. My thoughts lead to actions, all of which have consequences (there’s no free lunch!); and lastly;
  4. my happiness is in my hands.

Six years ago I made a personal choice which affected my life and the lives of those closest to me.
I chose ME.
Over the coming months, I plan to expand, explore and educate myself about the options available to help people choose a path which leads to personal happiness and not being lost to an unsustainable, roundabout detour of grief, guilt and shame.

The choice of making a change is simple, but simple does NOT mean it’s easy.

My goal, along with the help of Saint Jude Retreats is to help people gain control over their own lives, and effect lasting changes in their attitudes, motivations, choices and behaviors. Taking personal responsibility and building back one’s dignity by overcoming obstacles in life, creating personal empowerment and doing whatever it takes to achieve the happiness and success desired, regardless of how many people say it’s impossible — that’s what this is all about.
My eyes have been opened to another way of dealing with the hard choices we all face in life from time to time. If you knew your choice to make a change would bring you greater happiness and value to your life, would that not be motivation enough?
The choice of making a change is simple, but simple does NOT mean it’s easy. On January 1st, 2010, I chose ME over a bottle, and not because I had to, but because I wanted to. It wasn’t an easy decision, but it is one that I’m forever grateful for making.

What habits do you experience in your life that prevent you from achieving long-term, sustained happiness?

Please feel free to email me privately or share your comments below.

If you, or anyone you know, resonate with any of the information shared in this post, do not hesitate to reach out for more information. Call my friends at Saint Jude’s at 877-958-3310 or reach out to them directly via www.SoberForever.net — don’t bother waiting, don’t seek out the advice of others, simply make the decision to choose you and your health first, you deserve happiness.

FREE RESOURCES for Substance Users and Family Members

freeebookaddiction2
FREE E-BOOK FOR THE FAMILY
This e-book provides family members of substance users with a completely unique and common sense approach to helping their loved one while simultaneously gaining back the focus and freedom for their own lives.
freeebookaddictionFREE E-BOOK FOR THE SUBSTANCE USER
It is Saint Jude Retreat’s mission since 1989 to provide a research based program to help you move beyond your current self-limiting habits and achieve a sustained balance in your life driven by your own freely chosen goals and dreams.
 

This post originally appeared on www.daimanuel.com. 

___________

Dai Manuel - The Moose Is LooseThis post is sponsored by Saint Jude Retreats. The opinions and views are wholly my own…
And to be absolutely clear, this is my disclaimer: “Just so you know, I have been compensated to share my ideas on this topic. Sometimes it is in the form of products, or services or even money… But here’s the thing; I won’t  share anything with you that I don’t fully support. It doesn’t matter what it is, or how much they are willing to give me, if I don’t believe in it, It won’t be on my site. Seriously. You’ll just have to trust me on this.” ~ Coach Moose
Dai Manuel is a digital thought leader and lifestyle mentor empowering people to lead a ‘FUN’ctionally fit life through education, encouragement and community. Dai models his work on the basis of 5 pillars (4 actually, plus a roof): Fitness, Family, Finances, and Faith with an overarching roof of ‘FUN’ built on a rock-solid foundation of health.
 
Dai is also a dad, dating his wife, a founding partner and former COO of Fitness Town Inc, keynote speaker, award-winning blogger (DaiManuel.com), CrossFit athlete and coach, co-founder of the #YVRDads support group for father, a BC Children’s Hospital Grind For Kids Ambassador, and published author of the Whole Life Fitness Manifesto.
 
You can follow him on Facebook or Twitter.

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Five Terrors of Being a Man

Mark Greene explores how men’s wide ranging fears remain hidden behind a facade of false confidence.

 
We have all heard it said, over and over. That many men do not share their feelings. That these men can be good friends, husbands and lovers but that they remain, on some level, hidden. If this is so, it’s for a damn good reason. Men are taught early in life that hiding their emotions is a matter of practical survival. Men are taught that revealing feelings, especially feelings like grief, loneliness or uncertainty is not safe. It is dangerous. It will cost them. Male emotional withdrawal is the direct result of dominant cultural traditions which value toughness and stoicism over communication and emotional connection.
Millions of men are exploring ways to move beyond old ideas of what it is to be a man. This is a good thing. Because it means men will have more options, both new and old, of how they can choose to live in the world. But millions of others still see no alternative but to keep their emotions hidden. They feel trapped in archaic gender roles that are often brutally enforced by other men, women and sometimes, their own families and spouses. On some level, we are all impacted by these generations old rules of manhood which say: hide your fears or pay the price.
One result of the continuing emotional suppression of men, is an increasing level of anger in our public dialogues (that of both men and women). We see these angry public discourses everywhere, in the media, on Facebook and at the local bar. This is because the expression of anger as a mode of emphasizing one’s point of view is somehow considered socially acceptable while revealing “weaker” emotions is not. But ask anyone who knows. Anger is just fear talking. Fears unspoken and unexplored. Below is a list of some fears that men face.  This list is by no means complete. But men’s fears, whatever they may be, must be acknowledged. Because when they are deeply rooted and well hidden, these isolating fears can determine the course of an entire lifetime. Hidden though they may be, they should never be taken lightly.
So what are men afraid of? Here are a few examples. (Please note, I am not suggesting that these fears are exclusive to men but I would suggest that they play out very differently in women’s lives.)

For many men, this central fear that sexual love doesn’t last can lead to a preemptive callousness about sex and relationships. “I want what I want and to hell with you.”

1) What I Want Sexually is Wrong (In One Way or Another)
Men carry the deep seated fear that their sexual needs are, in some way, just not right. Whether it’s something as complex as a fetish, or as simple as frequency, men carry the deep-seated fear that sexual love in relationships isn’t sustainable because what they want and need sexually is too much, is too selfish, is wrong.
This shame about their needs is compounded by a lack of emotional connectivity in their relationships; connectivity that can create a vibrant holding space for sexual exploration and generosity. For many men, this central fear that sexual love doesn’t last, can lead to a preemptive callousness about sex and relationships. “I want what I want and to hell with you.” Sexual expression can become intertwined with anger. This, coupled with underlying shame about their sexual appetites, creates a self-fulfilling fatalism, contributing to the collapse of their relationships, time and time again.
2) I’m Never Going to Earn Enough
Being the financial provider is the central role that many men assign themselves in relationships. Although self-assigned, this role is also encouraged by our culture and sometimes by women. This emphasis on providing money is often taken on by men in lieu of the more challenging task of developing crucial interpersonal capacities like emotional connectivity, empathy, and child-raising skills, (emotional skill sets which can validate men in ways other than financially.)
Initially, being the breadwinner may seem like an easy way out for men. The implication is, “if you bring the money you can take a pass on the messy emotional side of your family relationships.” But this breadwinner mode tempts some men to compound their self induced isolation by leveraging the authority associated with economic control over other family members.
Some other relationship killing parts of this equation? When judged solely on their earning capacities, men can end up being relentlessly tested by a spiral of accelerating consumerism. And, when unemployment or retirement strikes, men have no alternative emotional resources or sources of validation to draw on. Game over.
3) Other Men Will Find Out I’m Weak
Men fear their worries and sadness are a sign of weakness; and that if they are found out, they will be rejected and condemned by their friends, family members and spouses.
Men are taught to hide their fears, collectively creating a cultural myth of male toughness. This culture of toughness is deeply isolating. When men have no way to share their stories of uncertainty, grief or fear, those fears can become overwhelming. The suppression of wider ranges of male emotional expression becomes a source of intense internal stress for men, which in turn is expressed as anger or authoritarianism. Although we don’t allow men to cry, we do allow them to express anger. It is this one-note anger mode of expression that can eventually result in alcoholism, addiction, depression and early death for many men. All in the effort to avoid appearing…human.

Because society does not typically encourage the development of soft skills in men, some must face old age without the emotional connectivity that will cushion the impact of aging.

4) I’m Getting Old
Men are often judged solely on their economic and physical vitality. Typically, men are not valued for their “feminine” soft skills, like diplomacy or emotional availability. This sets men up for an inevitable decline in value, tied directly to aging. Meanwhile, because society does not typically encourage the development of soft skills in men, some must face old age without the emotional connectivity that will cushion the impact of aging. And that makes aging terrifying.
5) I Don’t Know Who I Am
Often men spend their lives battling an uncertain world in order to provide for their families financially. Preoccupied with this struggle, men resist committing time for self examination or emotional growth. Eventually, men come to fear the person in the mirror looking back at them. After a lifetime of putting up a false front of confidence and authority, many men feel they are barely keeping a lid on their emotions. Absent the parallel journey of growing emotional connection with their families and friends, our fathers, brothers and sons are condemned to live lives of isolated desperation, ultimately unsure of who they are and what they might become.
♦◊♦
Being strong and being confident are important parts of being healthy human beings, but strength and confidence comes from the rich and rewarding relationships we create with the people in our lives, not from the economic or physical power we wield, regardless of our gender. Only a rich network of relationships holds the power and flexibility to carry any of us through life’s challenges.
For men, openly sharing emotions like uncertainty or grief should be a socially acceptable way of being, just as keeping these things private is socially accepted. Some men (and women) will always prefer to keep their own counsel. This is perfectly fine. But no man should be forced to live alone with his fears because it is considered weak to admit them. We need a new cultural baseline for men that says sharing our fears is an act of courage; something to be admired and respected. Because doing so in a safe and supportive community can transform these fears into sources of strength, mutual support and ultimately, love. And that is an option that should be open to all of us, men and women alike.
This article was written in conversation with Dr. Saliha Bava. It originally appeared on Good Men Project.
Read More By Mark Green:
How America’s Culture of Shame is a Killer for Boys
When “Check Your Male Privilege” Becomes a Bludgeon
Why Traditional Manhood is Killing Us
Mark GreeneGood Men Project Executive Editor Mark Greene’s articles on masculinity and manhood have received over 100,000 FB shares and 10 million page views. Mark’s book, Remaking Manhood is a collection of his most powerful articles on American culture, relationships, family and parenting. It is a timely and balanced look at the issues at the heart of the modern masculinity movement.
Greene writes and speaks on men’s issues for the Good Men Project, the New York Times, The Shriver Report, Salon, HLN, and The Huffington Post.
To stay up to date with Mark and the Remaking Manhood movement, join him on Facebook.

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The 11 Key Steps to Influence

As a child, long before my interest in relationships, I had an interest in super heroes. I dreamed of being able to shoot lightning bolts from my hands, and having the higher status, independence, and control that super heroes portrayed. Getting the girl would have been nice too.
It wasn’t long before I realized that a Zeus-like control over lightning was probably not in my realm of abilities, but experience taught me that real power depends less on supernatural abilities and more on what people think of you (and are willing to do for you).
Imagine if you had the power to consciously alter what people think. What if people would consistently go out of their way to help you at a moment’s notice?
Books such as, Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion, and Yes! 50 Scientifically Proven Ways to be Persuasive by Robert B. Cialdini, PH.D., and How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie, teach us how to develop likeable characteristics and techniques for persuading others – real super powers.
Here are some highlights that you can immediately implement into your life to develop the super power of influence and start winning more at life:

1. Live and Look the Part

People respond to you based on your appearance. Dress appropriately, move confidently, act enthusiastically and passionately, and people will assume you are powerful.

2. Make Yourself Known

Network in your profession, interests, and hobbies by being present and visible at related social and professional events, commenting on related blogs and news sites, and emailing industry leaders to ask questions or to volunteer. Everyone you meet should know what you do, your goals, and your interests. Your visibility equals how much people trust you and view your level of importance.

3. Become or Act Like a Figure of Authority 

Research indicates that people will act against logic and instinct if told to by an authoritative figure. The Milgram experiments demonstrated that when asked to administer electric shocks to another person by an authority figure, 65% of test subjects would continue to administer electric shocks, even though the person appeared to be immense pain and potentially at risk of death.
Of course, I only want you to use your power for good. But the point remains that as you become more of an authority figure you will have more influence.

4. Praise, Make People Feel Important, and Be Positive

People are attracted to what makes them feel good and avoid what makes them feel bad. Give praise freely and avoid direct criticism. In conversation, repeatedly use, and remember, others’ names. Focus your attention on whoever is speaking. When the speaker feels important, he or she views the listener as someone he or she wants to impress.

5. Give to Get 

Do what you want for other people and they will reciprocate (i.e., invitations to social functions, holiday cards, gifts, etc.). Also, asking someone for a large favor that will likely be turned down will increase the chance he or she will say yes to a smaller favor.

6. Convince a Few and the Rest Will Follow

Groupthink occurs when the natural desire for harmony overrides the logical decision making process. The news, media, businesses and especially politics are prone to group think. Target people that have influence with your ideas, and they will spread like wildfire.

7. Pitch Ideas as Missed Opportunities or in Terms of Loss

People are more likely to take risks if they consider what they may lose, than if they consider what they may gain.

8. Limit Options 

The more choices you give to people the less likely it is they will make a decision, and the less satisfied they will be after they make their decision. Less is more when it comes to options.

9. Find Similarities With Everyone

Similarities make people feel connected (names, birthdays, hobbies, goals, weaknesses, specific experiences, etc.). Mirroring (copying) a person’s speaking style, body language, and breathing pattern will instantly create similarities and rapport. Research indicates that simply playing a game with another person for a few minutes can increase feelings of empathy.

10. Always Have a Reason

Always include a reason for doing something. In the famous Xerox study by Dr. Robert Caldini, a researcher asked others if she could cut in line at a Xerox machine to make photocopies. Just using the word, “Because” led to a compliance rate of 93% (“Excuse me, I have five pages. May I use the Xerox machine because I have to make some copies?”), compared to only 60% compliance when asking without a reason.

11. People Want to be Consistent

Gain investment from a person (a promise, previous favor) or label them with specific characteristics (i.e., patient, generous) and they will strive to be consistent with your expectations. For example, restaurant reservation no-shows decreased from 30% to 10% when they stopped telling customers, “Please call to cancel your reservation,” and started asking, “Will you call to let us know if you need to cancel?” If you want someone to return a phone call, leave a message that includes, “I know you’re busy, but you have always been considerate and great at getting back to me, I can’t wait to talk to you soon.”

Go Be Influential

The strength of your ability to persuade the people around you takes time to develop, and is also directly related to the actual strength of your relationships.  Take the time to train and develop your own super powers by focusing on the previous tips, but also by investing more in your current relationships.  Real power and wealth comes from how people perceive you, and the relationships you have in your life.
Read More By Benjamin Ritter on the ManTalks Blog
5 Areas of Your Life You Need to Go Phoneless
You Don’t Deserve Better, You Deserve to Be Better
5 Tips To Dramatically Improve Your Relationship
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Benjamin-headshotBenjamin Ritter, MBA, MPH, is an interpersonal, dating, and relationship consultant, author of The Essentials, co-host of the Suave Lover podcast, curator of the Interfaith Relationships workshop, and the Values Systems workshop, freelance expert and writer, and healthcare executive. He has years of direct client, personal, and social experiences towards improving and solving internal development, dating, and relationship situations. For more information go to; http://www.benjamin-ritter.com.
 

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Man Of The Week – David Veshkini

David Veshkini may be shy, but boy is he a man who is dedicated to his community! He works for vsttawa Victim Services & in partnership with the Victim Crisis Unit at the Ottawa Police Services. Where he supports crime victims in particular females impacted by gender-based violence. His passion for working & helping drives his efforts in positively impacting those around him. It should come as no surprise that he is extremely involved in volunteering where he supports METRAC (violence prevention non-for-profit) & OCTEVAW’s Manifest Change program, which speaks to men about toxic masculinity, sexual violence, and bystander intervention. He has been fortunate enough to help shape conversation at conferences/panels around how all men have a part to play in the prevention of violence against women. In spite of this, David felt there was more he could do and most recently started a solidarity movement called WeCanBeBetter. He believes the movement has potential to empower & educate men to not only stand against gender-based violence but also begin to think about how they can impact their communities positively to address gender issues impacting women. David gets real vulnerable in our interview and we are honoured to have him as our newest Man Of The Week. Read on and check out the incredible work he is doing, you will definitely walk away feeling inspired!

Age – 27

What do you do? (Work)
Currently, I’m the Case Manager at Ottawa Victim Services: a community-based organization that provides emotional/practical intervention to victims of crime. Our organization is fortunate to be in partnership with the Ottawa Police Victim Crisis Unit to make sure all victims in our community receive the proper support they need & deserve. I get to work with some incredible women day-in and day-out.
More recently, I started a campaign called WeCanBeBetter. An Ottawa-based solidarity movement for achieving gender equality. Its goal is to empower and encourage men/boys to become agents of change for ending violence against women and gender-based violence.

Why do you do it?
I truly love working within a field centered upon a duty-to-care & helping others. My work with OVS puts me in an extremely privileged position where I’m trusted with entering people’s lives when they’ve fallen on hard times. It’s special speaking to so many people from different walks of life, as well as being witness to their resiliency. It reminds me to continuously reflect on my own life and privilege.
The WeCanBeBetter campaign is a more upstream/preventative approach to what I do. Unfortunately, almost every day in my personal/professional life I read, hear, and talk to predominantly women who have experienced some form of gendered-based sexual, physical, or emotional violence. The campaign allows me to not only see what I can do to help survivors, but also play a role in creating awareness and preventing VAW & GBV.

How do you make a difference in the world? (Work, business, life, family, self)
Work allows me to make an impact on people’s lives in the aftermath of a tragic and unexpected incidence. I also enjoy doing community-based work, engagement, and outreach. I’ve been fortunate enough to aid in campaigns, projects, research, and committees that address and raise awareness about important issues like Gender Equality on Campus, Racism, Police/LBGTQ relations, Violence Prevention, and Homelessness.
Equally, I think the WeCanBeBetter Campaign may one day reach a place where it impacts lives in my community. WCBB is grounded in the idea that the longer men remain apathetic to the issue, the longer we comprise the gendered futures of our society, institutions, and relationships. I’m not sure when, how, and where the campaign will go or what it might become, but I’m not scared of it failing. Instead, I’d be more disappointed if I never tried.

What are 3 defining moments in your life?
– At thirteen, I was diagnosed with Gillian-Barrie Syndrome. A rapid-onset of muscle weakness that damages your nervous system causing paralysis from the waist-down. Following treatment, the recovery took months: learning how to stand, walk, and run again was an incredibly humbling experience. However, it allowed me to expand the definition of myself and my ability to persevere through life’s challenges.
– At twenty-one, my long-term girlfriend and I split up.  It was my fault. I realized I had to change. I promised I’d become less stubborn, grow emotionally, & continuously reflect on how to be the best partner I could be.
– Last year, my father passed. He played a limited role throughout my life, which made me think about what type of father I’d want to be if I ever got the chance. I vowed I’d do better than him & unconditionally support, care and continuously reassure my own children that I’d always be there for them.

What is your life purpose?
Deciding to do research, work, and volunteer within the field of prevention and awareness of violence against women is ultimately centered upon lending my gender-privilege. That means using my voice & actions to speak to other men about how important it is to stand up to sexism, misogyny, and violence as well as reframe VAW as more than a women’s issue.

How did you tap into it?
At first, accessing predominantly female-centered spaces and organizations seemed difficult. I remember thinking: “what if I say the wrong thing” or “I don’t know how to help.” So I began by listening. Listening to the challenges women face socially, politically, and vocationally by virtue of their gender. Eventually, I knew that silence and inaction was the real problem. I knew this was a human rights issue and wanted to dedicate my life to helping this cause.

Who is your Role Model or Mentor?
Growing up role models were hard to come by. Later in life, my brothers (Ali & Bobby) became who I looked up to. I hope one day I can become half the men they’re!

Do you have any daily habits? If so, what are they?
I love eating candy & drinking coffee! And Wine!

When do you know your work/life balance is off?
Sometimes, when your job and passion overlap, it becomes difficult to maintain a good work/life balance. I think I can start to tell that my work/life balance is off when I’m not calling my mom!

Vulnerability is a challenge for most men – share a vulnerable moment from your life with us.
I didn’t come from a family or culture where vulnerability was particularly tolerated or understood. To be honest, until this day I continue to struggle with vulnerability in my personal life. It’s ironic given the work I do. Sometimes in my personal life, I pretend to be vulnerable, so my family or friends believe I’m open because if I were to be totally truthful, I’m worried how they would react. I know I need to grow in my ability to be all in, risk heartbreak, ask for help, and be unapologetic about failure. So let’s just say I’m working on it!

What did you learn from it?
Every time I’m vulnerable, as men I learn that it’s okay to be hurt & those who love me unconditionally will be there for me.

If you are or were going to be a mentor for another man, what is one piece of advice you would give him?
Don’t get caught up trying to impress anyone with your wealth, power, or success. Great men are known for their heart & what they’ve done for others.

Do you support any charities or Not-for-profits? (which one(s) and why?)
For a few years now, I’ve been volunteering for METRAC, a non-for-profit violence prevention organization which does work on reducing campus sexual violence. More recently, I’ve been a part of OCTEVAW’s MANifest Change. A program that talks to men/boys about masculinity, sexual violence myths, and bystander intervention in schools/detention centers.

Where do you see yourself in 3 years?
Hopefully grow WeCanBeBetter into something that makes a difference. I’d love to get a community of men to stand together to create a bold and viable presence in Ottawa for achieving gender equality.

What legacy do you want to leave for future generations?
I hope I’m seen absent of any titles or positions I might hold in the future. Instead, I hope I’m remembered for what I was able to accomplish while helping others. Saying I’ve done something meaningful, that’s what matters to me. I’d too love to know I contributed, however small, to a world where my baby niece grows up feeling safe & comfortable doing whatever she chooses, unhindered by gender norms.

What One book would you recommend for any Man?
‘Infidel’ by Ayaan Hirsi Ali

If you know a Man that is making a positive impact on the world, we would love to hear from you! Contact us at [email protected]

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