Archives for June 2016

Confidence, Comparison, and How Your Insecurities Are Bought And Sold

They say comparison steals joy, but it’s worse than that. Comparison steals everything you really want to have, be, and find fulfillment in.

The biggest trap of consciousness is comparing, judging, and measuring ourselves against the people around us.

Another word for this is envy.

Envy: a feeling of discontented or resentful longing aroused by someone else’s possessions, qualities, or luck.

Do they make more money? Are they better looking? Is their car nicer? More expensive?  Are they better at sex? A better communicator? Are they smarter? Stronger? Happier?

Here is the real truth about why you’re not happy, I call it Social Status Syndrome (or Triple Syndrome).  Everyone suffers from it at some point.

If you have Triple Syndrome you’ll constantly compare yourself to others — you’ll compare your happiness, your life path, money, and everything else.

Have you ever looked at others’ Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, or Snapchat updates and found yourself wishing for their life, wanting their level of happiness, wealth, or success?

It’s a trap.

Don’t compare your real life to someone else’s online persona.

Your life isn’t the total sum of Facebook updates or ‘epic’ handstand photos at the top of a mountain. It’s not about the hearts on Instagram, the thumbs up on Facebook or the number of retweets you get.

This is your life, man. Don’t trade it for little bumps of digital cocaine.

Remember this:

You’re either buying into someone else’s idea of what life should be, or you’re selling your idea of what life should be.

Ask yourself: “Am I a seller or a buyer?”

These are the sellers:

Every personal development ‘guru,’ action junkie, famous celebrity, and brand is ‘selling’ you an idea or concept of what your life could be like. I’m not knocking the sellers. Some are positive and others are negative.

And yes, ManTalks is a seller. We’re a brand that stands for and promotes the concept of positive masculinity and connected, strong, powerful, and fulfilled men.

I founded ManTalks partly out of disgust and despair. I was tired of seeing so many brands and people perpetuating the same false (and insecure) version of masculinity.

Think of us as the anti-Dan Bilzerian. Ever heard of him?

He’s the perfect macho stereotype — a jacked-up dude with ladies hanging on his shoulders and bags of cash.

He’s the ‘dude’ most guys think they should be and has become Internet famous by appealing to the narcissist living within each of us.

But he’s a great example of comparison marketing.

Every day millions of guys look at his Instagram and envy every part of the persona he’s created.

Then they come back to reality and realize they’ve been scrolling through his Instagram feed for 45 minutes and that the biggest accomplishment of their day was five straight hours of Netflix.

This might be hard to realize, but his life is NOT better than yours.

He’s selling a pipe dream, paying for sex, and doing crazy shit. And he’s doing it just so you can get a hit of guilt for not being ‘man enough.’ Cars, cash, women, and parties are all psychological triggers aimed to sell you something.

He is selling to your insecurities.

Now, I’m not one to squash dreams, so if you truly want that in life then please by all means go for it. Just know that you will get there and feel empty. Money and endless amounts of women will not fill the black hole you feel due to a lack of direction and purpose in life.

If it just fills your wallet or empties your balls, you’ll never be satisfied.

If your sole purpose is just making money or getting laid, you’re going to feel miserable and lost at some point. Trust me, I have tried.

I’m not saying there is anything wrong with money and sex. I’m very much an advocate for money and sex. But we need to go deeper. Dan Bilzerian and ManTalks are both sellers. Vastly different products mind you, but we’re both sellers.

Then there are the buyers.

The buyers want to find their place in the world. They want to find a tribe or community they belong to. Rather than trying to promote a culture or belief, they simply want to belong.

We’re all buyers to some degree. We’re all looking for a model to follow. The key here is to buy into something worthwhile. Something that fulfills your mind, heart, and soul.

So how do we know what to buy? What things, experiences, people, or ideas are fulfilling?

Here is what worked for me:

1. Realize that there’s no such thing as a life better than yours.

Are you comparing your life, financial success or happiness to someone else?

Stop.

Let go of the need to make yourself feel like shit.

His life is no better than yours. His problems are no less pressing, and his struggles, although different, are no less of a struggle.

The biggest lie in human history is thinking that everyone around us somehow has it better.

My dad had a saying that I still live by to this day: “The grass is always greener on the other side because bullshit helps grass grow.”

So how do we combat constant comparison?

Gratitude.

I’m sure you’ve read or heard about the power of gratitude. You might even be thinking, “Oh great. Gratitude. Is Connor going to go all woo-woo on me here?” 

You might know about gratitude. But you can know about something and still never do anything about it. You’ll never know the power of this until you practice it.

I recommend starting a gratitude practice of some sort and keeping it simple. For me it’s as simple as  not getting out of bed in the morning before finding three things I’m grateful for.

By being grateful for what you have, who you are, and what you’re building in life you stop comparing yourself.

2. Buy to fill your soul, not your ego.

Want an easy indicator of what you’ve bought into?

Check your social media. Who do you follow? What photos show up the most on your news feed? The people and brands you follow are a reflection of what you have bought into.

If your social stream is a never ending parade of half naked women, shameless selfies, shit you can’t afford, and other people you’ve put on a pedestal it means your ego has maxed out your attention credit card.

Remember, you don’t just buy things with money, you buy with your time and attention.

Think of it this way:

The average man will have about 27,375 days to spend. This equates to 657,000 hours or roughly 39,420,520 minutes.

That’s it. That’s a life. You never get a moment back.

Now if you’re like me, you’ve spent many hours chasing purely ego based endeavors like drinking your face off, trying to get laid, showing off, or working a job you didn’t like because it stroked your ego.

Look at you, you big stud, you get to wear a suit and be ‘special.’

Imagine that those days and minutes are dollars and you are spending them right now. How does that make you feel? Now remember that your minutes and hours are infinitely more valuable than dollars. Spend them wisely.

Find the things that fill your soul and leave you feeling like your life is truly meaningful.

Start doing these things every day and soon you will find others comparing their life to yours, wondering what your secret is.

3. Stop living to impress and start living to contribute.

Look, no one really gives a shit what brand your shirt is, or how much your jeans cost. Did you buy your car because it will impress people or because you just love driving it?

When we stop living to impress other people, we can start truly contributing to others. We simply can’t do this when in survival mode or when focused on showing others how ‘together’ we have our lives.

It’s only when we start to be truly present for others and listen to them without shoving our opinions in their face, then we become valuable to them.

Feeling like we matter….

This is all anyone wants, to know we matter and that our life means something.

Look for ways to give back to others. This can be as simple as listening to them for 20 straight mins while they brain dump about their day, bitch about a co-worker, or share their darkest secrets.

Contribution isn’t just about giving money to charities or volunteering your time. It’s how you show up every minute, every hour, and every day of your 27,375 days.

By reminding others they matter, you will also be reminded that your life has value.

“Only those who have learned the power of sincere and selfless contribution experience life’s deepest joy: true fulfillment.” – Tony Robbins

Do you want to feel more fulfilled and happy each and every day? Ask yourself this:

Did I contribute today?

If you can successfully answer YES to this simple question everyday, your life will dramatically change.

So the next time you’re scrolling through Facebook seeing someone’s amazing photos as they jump off a cliff, test drive a Ferrari, or move into some baller ass mansion you can’t afford just remind yourself, “There’s no such thing as a life that’s better than mine.”

Read more by Connor Beaton on the ManTalks Blog:

5 Epic Questions to Help You Find Your Life’s Purpose

__________

Connor BeatonConnor Beaton is the founder of ManTalks.

Check out his incredible TEDx talk here. And follow him on Facebook (where he does live video regularly) to stay up to date with all his teachings, lessons, and insights.

Sign up to the ManTalks newsletter and every week we’ll send you an email with the week’s top articles and interviews.

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Neil Pasricha – The Journey to Finding Happiness in Life

Episode: 049

What are the secrets to achieving happiness?

Introduction:
Neil Pasricha is a New York Times bestselling author of The Book of Awesome and The Happiness Equation. Neil has spent the last decade of his life as the Director of Leadership Development at Walmart, which he left this year to pursue his writing projects. He is also the writer and creator of the 1000 Awesome Things blog, which has won Best Blog in the World two years in a row. Connor sits down with Neil to discuss some of the secrets to happiness and why it is so hard to find.

 

 

Key Takeaways:
[2:25] Grab a pen and paper for this episode!
[3:10] What was Neil’s defining moment?
[6:00] What was it like giving a TED Talk?
[8:35] Beautiful things come out of darkness.
[9:15] Are you building a business on the side? Neil says don’t quit your day job.
[10:05] Neil was not a confident person, but when he started his side business, he gained more confidence. This lead him to being promoted at his full-time job.
[11:25] Despite Neil’s success, he didn’t leave his full-time job at Walmart until this year.
[11:55] Connor completely understands as he just left his corporate job 6 months ago.
[12:30] Let’s talk happiness! What are some of the secrets of happiness?
[13:40] We want happiness, but we can’t seem to get it.
[15:00] How can we give our children happiness if we ourselves aren’t even happy?
[15:25] The Happiness Equation is a personal letter to Neil’s child.
[16:25] You have to be happy first in order to find success. It’s not the other way around.
[17:35] You live 10 years longer if you’re happy.
[19:15] When Connor was experiencing a dark time in his life, what really pulled him out of it was gratitude journaling.
[20:35] Never retire!
[22:00] Find a reason to get out of bed every morning.
[22:40] Retirement is dangerous and it creates loss of purpose.
[23:55] Neil talks about the four S – Social, Structure, Stimulation, and Story.
[25:35] What are the biggest misconceptions about happiness?
[28:25] How do you overcome criticism? Do it for you.
[30:45] Would you do this task for free? If the answer is no, you’re on the wrong track.
[32:20] What happens if you’re ‘too busy’? How can you not be ‘too busy’?
[40:40] Let’s talk about mindset and why it’s so important.
[43:15] When your day is going south, remember that you’ve already won the lottery. You have it good.
[48:00] All you have to do is write down 5 gratitudes a week and you’ll see an improvement in your happiness.
[50:25] Recognize you’re in a bad mood, recognize that it will end, and recognize that those two things are okay and you will feel good again.
[53:15] Who is the most authentically happy person Neil has ever met?
[54:00] What is the one experience Neil recommends to anyone?
[54:25] What is the most underrated trait in modern day life?
[54:40] What is one book Neil would take when stranded on an island?
[55:00] What was the single biggest lesson Neil learned at Harvard?
[56:25] Who is the most influential person on happiness?

Mentioned in This Episode:
www.mantalks.com/
www.1000awesomethings.com/
The Book of Awesome by Neil Pasricha
The Happiness Equation by Neil Pasricha
Neil’s TED Talk – The 3 A’s of Awesome
The Nun Study
 by Julia Cameron
www.headspace.com/
www.10percenthappier.com/
www.calm.com
On the Shortness of Life by Seneca

Music Credit:
Parlange & Latenite Automatic (jesusparlange.comlateniteautomatic.com)

Tweetables:

“That side project is important on the side as long as possible.”

“My parents’ advice as a child was totally backwards. If you do great work, have a big success, you’ll be happy.”

“Create a life that you just want to carry on until the end.”

 

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If you want to support the show and help others find the show please LEAVE US AN ITUNES REVIEW!
Connect with the show on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/ManTalks.ca/ , Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/mantalks/ and Twitter: https://twitter.com/mantalks
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Man Of The Week – Matt Tod

Our newest Man Of The Week is Matt Tod, a speaker, facilitator and coach to youth and our millennials. Matt faced much uncertainty about where his life was going when graduating from university, and after working for a few years, he quickly noticed a growing level of unhappiness in his life. Upon reflecting on this tough period, Matt did what many of us shy away from, asking ourselves “What do I need to be happy?” and begun to action his life. Surprisingly to him, life began to present him with opportunities to live in alignment with the way he so deeply desired. Matt’s finely tuned level of self-awareness allowed him to discover his life’s purpose, which is to serve others, to help them become better versions of themselves and to support their development. The roller coaster of life forced Matt to step into severely vulnerable spaces in his life which required him to step up to be the man him and his family needed, from holding his first son and learning how to be selfless to the passing of family members and learning that grief is a journey of perseverance and not something to get over. Today Matt serves as the Associate Director of Learning & Performance Development for Free The Children and Me to We. He’s got an inspiring story that is sure to impact the lives of youth worldwide and motivate us to leave the world in a better place that we found it.

Age – 34

What do you do? (Work)
In my day to day, I serve as the Associate Director of Learning and Performance Development for Free The Children and Me to We. In addition to that, I’m also a Youth and Millennial Leadership speaker, facilitator and coach.

Why do you do it?
There are lots of reasons I feel that I do what I’m doing. A big part of it is because it aligns with my values and my strengths. Serving others, helping them become better versions on themselves and supporting others growth and development helps me be a better version of myself as well. I want to contribute in a meaningful way in making the world, our community, and ourselves better. I have a strong passion for serving young people and I think that’s where I really found my spark. I don’t think I could do anything else and be as fulfilled as I am when I’m supporting and learning from others.

How do you make a difference in the world? (Work, business, life, family, self)
I think we all have the opportunity to make a difference in a meaningful way each and every day. One question I often ask myself in the morning is “what difference do I want to make today?” When I do that, I can look at what’s coming up for the day and decide where I can have the biggest impact. Sometimes that is at work when I’m supporting new staff who are just joining our team; other times its by being a present and patient father for my incredible 4-year old son. I want to make a difference in the lives of the people I connect with and I want to live by example as much as possible.

What are 3 defining moments in your life?
I think I’ve been fortunate to have many defining moments in my life. Defining moments are really about those moments when you’re called to show up. Those moments when you’re required to be your best. Three that come to mind, in particular, would be:
– The moment I graduated from University- I was the first person in my family to complete post-secondary so that was a pretty big deal for me. I remember sitting there in my convocation thinking “ok, now what?” It was a moment where I had to really start to think about what was important to me and what I wanted to do with everything I had worked for up until that point
– The birth of my son, Hunter– Definitely a defining moment as it was a shift in my identity as a man and how I saw myself. I was lucky to be part of my son’s birth (we did a home birth) so experiencing that was incredible. After that, everything shifted. I didn’t realize how selfish I was until I had a tiny human who I was partly responsible for keeping alive. And, to be honest, I wasn’t awesome at it all for the first little while. It took me some time to figure out my new role.
– The death of my dad- My dad passed away suddenly this past summer. He was just about to turn 57. Death is difficult for everyone, I’m sure, but at the time there had been a lot going on for him and my mom – they had just lost their business, had to sell their house and were about to move out 2 days before it all happened. When it did happen, all of a sudden, there was a lot of pressure and responsibility thrown on to me (and our family). The experience taught me so much about grief and that it’s not something you get over but something you have to go through. This is especially important to understand as men, I think. I’m one of three boys and we all dealt with our grief in very different ways. It taught me that there’s no one way to grieve and to honour what you feel.

What is your life purpose?
My life’s purpose is to grow and develop myself and the people around me (in that order). I want to not only help people be their best in the moments that matter the most, but also to help others live the best possible version of their lives. I’ve been so fortunate to, at an early age, be put on my life’s path.

How did you tap into it?
I reflected quite a bit on where I was in my life at a time when I wasn’t really happy. The work I was doing didn’t provide me with purpose or meaning and I was feeling a lot of (unnecessary) stress about it. So I stepped back and asked myself “what do I need to be happy?” It came down to three things: I wanted to work with youth as a young person myself, I wanted to be a positive role model for others (especially other males) and I wanted to have purpose and meaning in my day-to-day work. When I became aware of that, opportunities started to present themselves.

Who is your Role-Model or Mentor?
I’ve been really fortunate to have a lot of positive role models in my life. It’s hard to choose just one. What I will say though is that I’ve worked hard to create a group of people I can go to for different aspects of my life. If I had to choose, I would say that, though he recently passed away, my Dad has been more of a role-model for me now (having become a father) than he was before. It kind of sucks to say that, but I have these moments as a Dad now where I go “oh…I get it now…” and I think of how my Dad approached a certain situation or how he chose to raise each of us.

Do you have any daily habits? If so, what are they?
I’ve got a few. One thing I do every Sunday is sit down for 20-30 minutes and plan out my week. I call it “Set Yourself Sunday”. I take a look at where I’ll be, what commitments I have, what are my priorities, and I’ll set goals and actions. This keeps me on top of things and provides me with a sense of control in a, sometimes, very hectic life. I also have some morning and evening routines that I’ve been doing for a long time: Every morning I get up and do one of four things (sometimes all): I read, I journal, I meditate and/or I work out. This provides me with a solid start to the day and centers me. At night, I read, journal, meditate and/or take a bath. Just having a morning and nighttime ritual really helps me stay focused, recharged and healthy.

When do you know your work/life balance is off?
I don’t really believe in work/life balance but, when I start to recognize something is off is usually when I start backing out of commitments or I start to lose connection with the people closest too me. That’s a pretty good indicator that I need to stop, re-evaluate, and reset.

Vulnerability is a challenge for most men – share a vulnerable moment from your life with us.
I think one of the most vulnerable moments I’ve ever had was when I openly started talking about my anxiety in University. I had been diagnosed with generalized anxiety and hid it from my friends and family for a really long time. Eventually, it got harder to manage without help and I needed to reach out for more support.

What did you learn from it?
That we all struggle and that it’s ok to not be ok sometimes. The important thing (for me at least) was to start the conversation and to use the story of my struggle as a way to heal and to help.

If you are or were going to be a mentor for another man, what is one piece of advice you would give him?
There would be two: Awareness creates choice. And choice creates change. Self awareness is such an important part of growth and development. It’s so important to take the time to stop, reflect and spend some quality time with yourself away from all the distractions we have in our life.
The second is that you don’t need to be the best all the time. You only need to be your best in the moments that matter the most. It’s up to you to determine what your best looks like and when those moments present themselves.

How do you be the best partner (Boyfriend/Husband- past or present)
I think I’ve struggled with this a bit more than some guys so I’m hesitant to give advice. What I would say is that it’s important to really understand and align values and beliefs – both yours and that of your partner. I think being the best partner is about really listening and understanding. It’s about being able to put your needs aside for the needs of the relationship.

Do you support any Charities or Not-for-profits? (Which one(s) and why?)
I work full-time for a charity, does that count? Aside from my work, I really try to support any organization or charity that serves youth. This is something I feel strongly about.

If your life had a theme song, what would it be?
Right now, I think I’d say Truth by Alexander

Where do you see yourself in 3 years?
I’d like to be spending more time with my son. Surrounded by good people, doing work that provides purpose and serves others. I’d like to be reaching more people through speaking, facilitating and writing.

What legacy do you want to leave for future generations?
I want to leave a legacy of self awareness. It’s pretty much a super power. I want to help others become more self-aware, challenge their beliefs and find potential in themselves that they never knew they had.

What One book would you recommend for any Man?
Resilience by Eric Grietens.

Who is one Man you think our readers would love to read about in future ‘Man Of The Week’ features? Spencer West or Alex Meers – these are two of my greatest friends. Solid men and brothers. Both of them are inspiring, humble and constantly challenge me to be a better version of myself.

If you know a Man that is making a positive impact on the world, we would love to hear from you! Contact us at ansar@mantalks.com

Quit Half Assing Two Things: Whole Ass One Thing

I see people all the time who make great decisions. They have a beautiful idea. They create a masterful plan. Then they half commit. The plan falls apart. They get nowhere and they quit.
Why does this happen? Because most areas of life have a threshold for results.
This means that anything you do, any project you undertake, requires a minimum amount of effort before any results can be expected. Anything less than the threshold in those endeavours means you’re just trying to make your Instagram interesting. For example, studying a language. If you take one Spanish class once a month and don’t practice in between, the rate at which you forget the language will be greater than at which you learn. Two years later you’re down two grand and have no mas Espanol.
Growing your abilities is like baking. You have all the necessary ingredients for making delicious cookies but, you half-assed the execution. You didn’t measure properly, you lazily mix them in the wrong order, forgot to pre-heat the oven and baked them for twice the recommended time. When you pull out the cookies, they look like Donald trump’s hair had a lovechild with sheep dung. Even though you know about a dozen places you could have improved on how you baked the cookies, your inner monologue goes something like “I pretty much followed the recipe. Baking is stupid, I am just naturally a bad baker, I have a genetic predisposition to bake like an idiot” or however you rationalize half-assing it to yourself. When in reality there were dozens of integral steps along the way and you missed them because you weren’t focused or committed and therefore the end product didn’t work.
In a critical way, achieving life goals is no different than making cookies, although there might be fewer calories involved. You want Ryan Gosling’s body, so you start to eat kind of healthy, you sometimes do some crunches on a Bosu ball. You follow all the steps but with the commitment of a drunk sorority girl. Therefore, you don’t lose any weight or build any muscle. Instead, you end up hating the gym, hating your body, and resenting anyone who manages to get fit. Those are some salty cookies.
What should you do? Quit working out and give up on fitness forever? No. Get your shit in order. Bake another batch of cookies, and make sure you actually follow the recipe this time. The recipe is not wrong. Lots of people have followed it with great success. It’s your execution that is wrong. It’s you, thinking you can achieve success with a half-assed effort. It just doesn’t work that way.
Life is just a collection of recipes. If you follow them as written, you will succeed. There is no secret sauce. I have yet to meet the person who does everything right and doesn’t get some gooey, delicious cookies in return.
“That sounds awfully boring. I don’t want to just follow recipes for my whole life. I am a trailblazer.”
Well good for you. I am too. But if you have never baked before it might take you years before you make your first batch of edible chocolate circles. When you are starting, follow a recipe. Repeat the recipe until you can bake those cookies blindfolded while sitting naked, playing backgammon in an ice bath.
Then you can slowly start to change the cookies. More sugar, less flour, tinker with small things at first. Begin to notice the outcomes, the effects. Start to try different recipes. Then, and only then, begin to start creating your own recipes. Yes, I am telling you it should take years before you are comfortable making your own cookie recipe. You are not going to become Ms. Christie overnight. If you can’t live with that, then buy your damn cookies at a bakery. (AKA get calf implants, Johnny Drama)
“But my friend Jenny baked for 20 minutes and won ‘who is the best chef in Nowheresville?'”
Congrats, that person is lucky, lying, or a phenom. You aren’t that person.
I see people all the time in the gym doing unusual workouts. I ask them what program are you following?
“My own.”
“Oh cool, how long have you been working out?”
“6 months”.
Good God. I understand the importance of listening to your body and I preach it, but I promise you that with less than five years of workout experience you should not be concocting your own workout plan. Not if you’re serious about what you’re doing. You will not be able to improve on workout plans that have already been developed and tested by greats like Dan John, Pavel Tsatsouline and Bill Starr. For every year you have in the gym, these guys have a decade.
Swallow your pride, cut the ego. Listen to smart people. You have to earn the right to freestyle.
From now on, when you commit to something, stick with it. Make sure that the amount you have committed, will satisfy the threshold. Be honest with how much you can commit. When people ask me to design a workout plan, I always ask how many times a week can you guarantee you will go to the gym?
“Six days, easy,” they say.
“How many times have you been to the gym in the past month?”
“Twice.”
Then you have about as much chance of working out six days a week as I do of sitting on Hilary Clinton’s face.
There is no shame in going to the gym 1-3 times per week. None at all. But if you are working out twice a week, while following a 6 day/week plan, you won’t get one-third of the results. You will get no results. You will get some shitty ass cookies. If you commit to going to the gym 2/week. Go for those two days. Don’t let work emergencies, tummy aches or pregnancy scares stop you from going.
I usually set my goal above what I need. If I’m on a 5 day/week plan, I go to the gym six or seven days a week. That way, if I ever need to miss a day, I am fine, and worst case I use the extra session to stretch and work on some weaknesses. I over-commit because I know life is going to throw some bad beans at me, and I don’t want to throw away what is important because my best friend has joined a pyramid scheme.
A requirement of whole-assing something is that you must say no to half-assing things in which you weren’t really interested anyway.
Do you want to attend a lecture on the history of the canoe? No. No, I don’t.
Do you wanna try Zumba with me? Sorry, no.
Have you ever wondered how chocolate is made? I haven’t, please never contact me again.
Make sure you keep room in your life so that the things you have committed to have space to breathe. If you commit to Olympic weightlifting, ballet, run club, and paddle boarding, maybe you will get it all done, but more than likely, shit will fall through the cracks. I often find that it’s the important things like exercise and diet, that are tossed aside because somebody commits to attend a Tupperware party.
The moral here is — don’t half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing.
Start to see yourself as a person that sees things through, whether it’s fasting for a day, swimming in cold water, or not eating chocolate for a month. Slowly develop that self-perception.
Get it done, prove to yourself that you can. Determination and self-discipline are muscles. Make them strong. Every time you start something and quit, you are training the quitting muscle. Neurons that fire together, wire together. If you continue to quit so often, you will associate committing and quitting so closely that you won’t know the difference. Each time you are agreeing to do something, you will quietly be planning your escape route.
Instead, every time someone asks you to do something, you should think carefully because you are now the type of person who when they say yes, it means yes. People begin to count on you and your assent becomes the equivalent of a guaranteed RSVP.
Here’s a quick summary of perfecting your ability to whole-ass things.

  1. Start by deciding what you really want to do.
  2. Then, say no to all the shit you don’t want to, or know you can’t do.
  3. Set realistic goals. (SMART goals are an easy place to start)
  4. Stick to those goals like your life depended on it.
  5. Achieve the goal, probably faster than you thought you would.
  6. Pick a new goal.
  7. Become Barack Obama.

Life is too short to collect participation ribbons. Be the guy who follows through, be the guy who gets it done, be the guy people wonder how he gets so much done. Build your self-discipline to the point where you are more reliable than diarrhea after Taco Bell. While it may seem like you get less done by focusing on fewer areas, in the long run, there will be many more opportunities for those who can follow through. Good luck, and if you finished reading this article, congrats, you just whole-assed your first thing, don’t lose the momentum.
____________
Thomas Walker writes regularly on his website. Thomas is a Vancouver-based writer passionate about health, personal growth, and mindfulness. He runs Projectkailo.com a site dedicated to sharing knowledge and motivating change. Follow projectkailo.com for more great content.

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Letting Go Of The Physicality of Youth

Broken nose. Cracked orbital bone. Snapped tibia. Separated shoulder. Shattered radius and ulna. Concussion. Torn trapezius muscle. L5 discectomy. Facial reconstruction. Too many stitches to count. Lingering nerve damage down the right leg. Chipped tooth and plastic surgery to repair a blown-out lip.
No, this is not the retelling of a major car accident, this is my medical history.
As I sat in the doctor’s office a few weeks back, awaiting MRI results on my left knee, the damage I’d done to my body over 33 years hovered in daunting fashion. It was quite clear the physical punishment I’d willingly endured throughout my life had left me with an incredibly skewed vision of physicality.
My doctor capped it off by adding one more line to the list. Grade 2 MCL tear. There was now pretty much no place on my body that had not sustained some type of serious injury. I had run the table of my own skin, tested every limit of my skeleton and subjected myself to years of pain, rehab and reaffirmation that what I was doing was not only sane, but something to be very proud of. My mental conditioning was complete.
Growing up in rural British Columbia, gender roles were reticent and rigidly defined. Men were the strong silent type, women were warm and loving. My youth was not necessarily a place of pain, but more a hardening of affirmations. Boys don’t cry, girls play with dolls and to become a man was to take responsibility of the situation and your life. Support, clothe and feed a family, forgo questions and look forward to retirement. There was little room for introspection or failure, and to be unsure of yourself was the biggest sin of all.
The pecking order at school was equally well-defined. The biggest, toughest kids were the coolest. The most athletic and the most intimidating rose to the highest echelons of the monkey bars. Being a natural athlete meant I fit right in, despite my diminutive status as a late bloomer. While I wasn’t the most physically daunting opponent, I would be willing to go miles further than anyone on the opposing team to win. Scrape my knee up in a slide tackle, block a shot in hockey or take a punishing hit in rugby, I complimented skill with an undying lust for winning at all costs.
As I grew up sports taught me multiple healthy lessons about life: commitment, discipline, desire and work ethic. A fire was lit inside my tiny belly that I still carry to this day, and credit my life’s achievements to. I was always fighting something, always competing against some external foe, and thus, my drive was nitro-charged even before my voice broke and body took shape. As I went through puberty I became a six-foot plus tower: tall, lean, and now I had another weapon in my repertoire—the goods to back up the brawn.
But sports never materialized as a career, and now looking back on it, I’m incredibly thankful it didn’t. This is not to say I wouldn’t mind lifting Lord Stanley’s Cup for one day, or score a goal in a World Cup final. It is not a sense of regret, but rather an acknowledgement that I was destined for other things. I was destined to become a writer, something that grew inside of me much like my love for sport — organically, and ultimately, completely at the power of my own will.
But as I veered off into the world and found myself more interested in the written word than the score on the clock, I continued to play for the love of the game. I won championships, made tons of friends, had some amazing road trips and scored a few game winners in tournament finals. I tasted champagne and tussled with the best of them. However, as I carried on, I collected that laundry list of injuries. The defining moment was a concussion two years ago that not only threatened my body, but the one thing I needed more to survive—my mind. Sports had taken the singular organ I truly needed to be successful, and it brought me to my knees. As a wordsmith, writer’s block is expected, but when a neurologist tells you not to read or type at a computer, it feels like a death sentence.
All this sacrifice for the glory of the game had bled into other areas of my life. I needed to rethink my strategy and outlook, but of course, it wouldn’t come easy. I contemplated retirement, then downgraded my compete level, but the injuries continued to accumulate. I no longer had the luxury of a 21-year-old metabolism; groin pulls and twisted ankles now took months to recover from instead of weeks.
And when I sat before my doctor recently to hear the news of yet another injury, I knew it was time to let go, once and for all. I needed to let go of the physicality of my youth. I needed to stop punishing myself for the thrill of victory, or the reward of camaraderie. I needed to let go of the life I’d lived and loved, because it was slowly degrading my body beyond repair.
I often ask myself these days what it means to be a man. If I were to go back to my childhood, I’m sure I’d give you a quick, clear answer. Be tough, flex your muscles and win one for the boys. Now I look in the mirror and see a different person. Is he a man yet? I don’t know, and maybe I never will. But one thing is for sure, maybe I’m asking the wrong question now. Maybe manhood is not a rite of passage, but simply an acknowledgment that life is more than just the sum of your parts.
Patrick Blennerhassett is a Vancouver-based writer and journalist. His non-fiction novel A Forgotten Legend: Balbir Singh Sr., Triple Olympic Gold & Modi’s New India was featured in such outlets as Maclean’s, the Vancouver Sun and on CBC. His fourth book The Fatalists, will be released this October.
 
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Srinivas Rao – Creativity & Why ONLY is better than BEST

Episode: 048

Labels limit our capacity and restrict our creativity. There can only be one of you.

Introduction:
Srinivas Rao, founder of The Unmistakeable Creative website and podcast, and author of Unmistakable, has interviewed over 600 thought leaders and people from all walks of life on his show. Today, he joins Connor on the show to discuss creativity, a bit of his background, where he found his drive, and why we should always learn from others, but not mimic them. Srinivas says that we do not need more copies – we need originals, willing to travel the road that’s never been traveled before, because true success is work that no one else can replicate.
 
ManTalks Podcast on iTunes
Listen to it on iTunes
Mantalks Stitcher podcast
Listen to it on Stitcher
 

 
Key Takeaways:
[1:40] Let’s talk creativity on today’s show.
[3:15] Famous on the internet? This concept is amusing to Srinivas.
[4:45] What does Srinivas’s name mean?
[7:10] Who is Srinivas?
[8:55] Srinivas downloaded Snapchat for the first time yesterday.
[10:15] Everyone should get on Snapchat? Everyone should start a podcast? No!
[11:00] Srinivas loves the platform ‘Medium’.
[11:35] Find one platform/thing and then get really, really good at it.
[12:40] What was Srinivas’s childhood like?
[14:55] Srinivas always looks for things he can be exceptional at, not average at.
[19:30] Srinivas is never satisfied.
[22:45] Where does creativity actually come from? How is it cultivated?
[27:10] What kind of action steps can people take to feel more creative?
[29:15] Be the only option for what you do, not the best, the only one. Srinivas explains.
[31:35] Why do you want to be like Tim Ferriss? Why?
[32:40] Learn what other people have done, but do not mimic them.
[35:00] Srinivas talks about his book, Unmistakable.
[40:30] True success is creating work that no one else can replicate.
[46:45] Srinivas talks about crowdfunding.
[48:45] Community is tremendously important and plays so many different roles in our lives.
[51:00] Do you have somebody to call at 2:00 am in the morning?
[51:30] Srinivas talks about the ‘impact zone’ and how waves in the ocean come in sets.
[57:05] What was Srinivas’s favorite interview that he’s done for his podcast?
[58:25] One experience Srinivas recommends? Catch a wave.
[58:35] Underrated trick for modern day success? The ability to unplug.
[58:35] What book would Srinivas take if he was stranded on an island? Hard to answer.
[59:00] What movie would he take? Blow with Johnny Dep.
[59:20] Who is the most influential creative person of all time? Walt Disney.
[1:00:15] What legacy would Srinivas like to leave behind?
Mentioned in This Episode:
www.mantalks.com/
www.unmistakablecreative.com/
Srinivas on Twitter
www.sethgodin.com/
www.garyvaynerchuk.com/
www.medium.com/
Music Credit:
Parlange & Latenite Automatic (jesusparlange.comlateniteautomatic.com)
Tweetables:
“Labels limit our capacity.”
“People fall into this trap of not being clear of what their creative outlooks actually are.”
“You can be really average at sports or you can be exceptional at this one thing.”
 

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Man Of The Week – James Clift

In today’s world, its not uncommon to hear that the goals of many people we know are centred around achievements that they believe will enrich their lives. Media and society often create a blurring of the lines between achievement-based goals and fulfillment-based goals. Our newest Man Of The Week is James Clift, someone who we applaud for his outlook and attitude. After reaching those famous self-centred goals, James was left feeling unfulfilled and wondering what his purpose was and how to be of service to the world. While he is still discovering his purpose at the young age of 27, James knew quickly that he wanted to help change people’s lives, and he started by focusing on improving their careers. Today, James is the CEO of VisualCV.com – the internets largest online resume and portfolio creation website. By focusing on helping people find their professional careers, next job or to showcase their talents in ways they haven’t been able to do before, James’ idea and work has the ability to impact the lives of millions and potentially billions of people.

Age: 27

What do you do? (Work)
I’m currently the CEO of VisualCV.com – the internet’s largest online resume & portfolio creation website.

Why do you do it?
My original goal when starting this journey 5 years ago was to build profitable companies that allowed me to work anywhere in the world. I got there, and spent 4 months living in Argentina last year while growing my business.
It was awesome, but after reaching those self-centred goals you begin pondering how to be more of service to the world. That pondering has evolved my whys. On a business level, I want to help millions of people improve their careers (and as a result, their lives). On a personal level I want to scale up that impact – and play a part in creating something that impacts billions (eventually).

How do you make a difference in the world? (Work, business, life, family, self)
My company plays a role in one of the three most important things in a person’s life – their career. If we can help people land their next job or contract, that momentum can change their career trajectory permanently. That is why we do it.
The other categories are less complicated, but no less noble. The most important thing in life is being a good person (after first defining what that means to you). To me being a good person is being kind, honest, and making the most of the opportunities given.

What are 3 defining moments in your life?
– I missed the last shot at the Provincial championship finals in lacrosse that could’ve put us into overtime with a chance to win. Another painful moment was in Grade 12 basketball when I tried to take a charge but was called for the block with 15 seconds left in the Fraser Valley semifinals. We lost by a half-court buzzer beater. Losing hurts. Learn from it.
– I ran a window cleaning franchise in my second year of university. It taught me how to sell, and the difference between being a boss and an employee.
– My first company went through the Growlab startup accelerator when I was just getting into the world of tech entrepreneurship. That experience taught me how to scale my expectations for what a business could be.

What is your life purpose?
If any 27 year old tells you he knows his life purpose, he’s either delusional or lying to someone (maybe himself). Or perhaps I’m envious.
Right now my job is to build my company, and work on becoming a better person. I should probably spend less time contemplating my place in the universe, and more time doing those two things. That said, my life’s work is leaning towards building companies that make a positive impact, and helping more people do the same.

How did you tap into it?
Wine.

Who is your Role-Model or Mentor?
Elon Musk and Richard Branson are the obvious choices for entrepreneurial legends, but I don’t believe in mentors. I believe in having good friends that happen to be successful. Many of my best friends are successful entrepreneurs, and we learn from each other. Nothing beats a whiskey-fueled conversation with people that believe any crazy idea is possible.

Do you have any daily habits? If so, what are they?
Good ones?
Exercise every day.
Meditate every day in the morning for 10 minutes (this is a constant failure)
Don’t eat artificial sugar or refined carbs

Bad ones? My life is a series of dopamine hits from checking revenue/user numbers, emails, text messages, and twitter.

When do you know your work/life balance is off?
The only time I hear the term work/life balance is when reading articles on work/life balance on Inc.com. I’ve never thought about it, as I’ve never really been employed.
I always prioritize my family, friends, and health over work –  the stuff that really matters.

Vulnerability is a challenge for most men – share a vulnerable moment from your life with us.
I made $7500 in year one of my first company, and couldn’t afford to pay rent. To keep the company going, I rented my room out on AirBnb and slept on my couch most weekends.

What did you learn from it?
It helped me realize that what seem like huge risks are usually quite small in the grand scheme of things. If your worst case scenario is an uncomfortable couch in downtown Vancouver, you’re doing ok. It has helped me justify taking those risks – knowing that I’m still pretty happy if I have a couch to sleep on.

If you are or were going to be a mentor for another man, what is one piece of advice you would give him?
Fall in love with things that make you a better person. Learn to love exercise, nutrition, building things, reading, dancing, hiking, learning –  anything that makes you smarter, happier, or healthier is a good investment.

How do you be the best partner (Boyfriend/Husband- past or present)
Pick the right partner to begin with. I see too many relationships that are clearly doomed from the start. Of course there are sometimes more complicated variables, but in general a great relationship should be easy. Or so I’ve heard.

Do you support any Charities or Not-for-profits? (Which one(s) and why?)
I LOVE Watsi.org. They are a crowdfunding platform for medical treatment in 3rd world countries that gives 100% of the money to the treatments. Watch Chase Adam’s talk on Youtube, and if you don’t fall in love with their mission please get a heart replacement ASAP. And donate to their universal fund on a monthly basis. The update emails from successful patient treatments make my heart smile.

If your life had a theme song, what would it be?
In a Sentimental Mood by John Coltrane – for those late nights that turn into mornings.

Where do you see yourself in 3 years?
Tough question. I hit my last 5 year plan in 3 years, and have yet to make another one.
Here’s all I want – a life filled with amazing people, great conversations, and ambitious ideas. Perhaps I will create the place where all that happens in Vancouver.

What legacy do you want to leave for future generations?
It is crazy that everything we do on the internet might be around for 1000’s of years. I guess my legacy will be the writing I do, the products I build, this interview (hmm), and anything else I decide to share. Hopefully some of it makes people do ambitious, good things for the world.

What One book would you recommend for any Man?
Waking up by Sam Harriss

If you know a Man that is making a positive impact on the world, we would love to hear from you! Contact us at ansar@mantalks.com

How Vulnerable Sharing Can Heal a Hardened Heart

I told him I hated him and that everything he does annoys me and pisses me off!”
My client shared this with me.
I could see her entire body contract, tighten up, and her face take on a hardened look.
She had come to me struggling in her marriage of four years, desperately desiring intimacy and closeness with her partner, yet feeling a big, tangible distance between herself and her partner.
As her relationship and intimacy coach, she wanted my help in learning how to bring him closer to her and ignite passion and love between them again. So, after hearing her say this to me in our first session, I knew I had to spend some time here with her on this.
Gio: “So how do you feel about that?”
Client: “Well, I’m proud of myself for sharing my truth! I’m being authentic! I can’t lie, that was my truth. If he can’t receive my truth, then he is misunderstanding me, I don’t mean to hurt him. He should see I don’t mean to hurt him.”
Gio: “So when your father would tell you his truth, about how he felt about you, was it your fault for misunderstanding him?”
(Her father was verbally abusive, shaming her, shutting her down.)
Client: Silence.
Gio: “I can’t imagine how much pain you were in at that moment, can we explore and see if that is really your truth anyway?
Client: “Yes.”
Gio: “What was so annoying about him in that moment?”
Client: “That he doesn’t step up as a man, and that he is always so happy, like HE has NO problems in the world, while I am here…feeling so much inside.”
Gio: “And how does that make you feel?”
Client: “I don’t know, angry, alone.”
Gio: “You want him to see you and he isn’t and yes that is painful- we want out partners to see us… but the truth is you weren’t letting him see you. Do you know why that is?”
Client: “No.” (feeling sad)
Gio: “Because you are ashamed of how you feel. What were you angry about at that moment?”
Client: (Thinks, pauses, feels) “I was angry because well….everyday I wake up depressed, and he doesn’t see it. I am sad.”
Gio: “And you feel deeply ashamed for being depressed right? You are scared he won’t want you if he knows, so instead…. you fight with him, you project your fear and the anger outward onto him.”
“Do you see that you weren’t actually telling him the truth? You actually weren’t being authentic?”
Client: (silence)
Gio: “When you feel shame for being depressed, you are actually making your truth wrong. Do you see how you make him wrong, because you are making yourself wrong?”
Client: (Tears) “Yes.”
Gio: “How do you think he felt those words?”
Client: (Tears) “Like I did when my father spoke those words to me.”
Gio: “How about I help you to know how to share this with him so he can see you and you can give him a chance to step up?”
One of our strongest needs in relationship is to be seen by our partner. If there is one place we want to stop hiding, it is in the emotional safety created in our intimate relationship, which is supposed to feel like “home.”
However, to be seen, what we seldom realize is that we have to let ourselves be seen.  That is what authenticity is – allowing our true self to be seen by those we love the most.
The beauty of authenticity is that it is a gift to ourselves. When we are hiding, we also hide from the love coming towards us — and aren’t able to truly receive it.
This leaves us feeling disconnected, and the symptoms eventually surface and over time only get worse, symptoms such as depression, anxiety, sadness, anger, frustration, addiction and even rage.
By diving deeply into developing intimacy with herself, my client touched on the true authentic part of herself and from that point I began coaching her into creating that same emotional safety with her man, and it worked beautifully.
She began opening her heart to him and he began responding, coming closer to her and sharing his own heart with her.
Learning how to bring emotional safety into our relationships is one of the most foundational tools we need to learn for relationship longevity.
Emotional safety creates the bridge through which your needs and your partner’s needs are met, where you meet each other.
Read more by Giordana Toccaceli on the ManTalks Blog:
How Masculine Men Protect Women’s Feminine Energy
Why Women Stay In Relationships With Emotionally Unavailable Men
When Your Partner Isn’t Attracted To You Anymore
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Giordana Toccaceli is an International Dating, Relationship and Intimacy Expert having worked with thousands of women and men around the world to become their most attractive and magnetic selves and attract incredible partners into their lives in record time.
Giordana has worked with a wide range of clients from Top CEOs, Billionaires, successful entrepreneurs, professional athletes, actors, models and every day men and women. She is a regular contributor to Univision TV’s morning show “Despierta Austin” and the Founder of Woman’s Allure and the Co-Founder of Embody Love Project.
Book a free Discovery Session today and find out what’s holding you back from feeling deep freedom, vibrant health, and alignment in your life. Access your free gift today: Get Giordana’s Heal Your Heart” 10 Minute Meditation.

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She Doesn't Owe You Shit

Dude, enough with the entitlement. She doesn’t owe you shit.
Why are you telling her to smile? Are you owed a smile? No, you are not. You aren’t owed shit.
I had a guy ask me for my phone number when I was getting out of my car to get gas. I told him “I’m sorry I have a boyfriend.” So he slit my convertible top open while I was inside paying. – Amanda
She doesn’t owe you a smile, a wave, her phone number, a date, a second date, a kiss, a blowjob or a fuck. It doesn’t matter if you complimented her, bought her drinks, took her to dinner, gave her a ride or made her a mix tape. She doesn’t owe you shit.
On a date that was going not too well I decided to leave. Dude followed me to my car and pushed up against me trying to get me to kiss him. When I said no and tried to get away he said “fuck I bought you a beer.” – Amber
Even if you married her and paid for everything it doesn’t give you possession over her body. Slavery is illegal, and marital rape has been against the law in all 50 states since 1993.
“I tried to fight him but I couldn’t land a blow from being so drunk. When he was done, he put out two cigarettes on my thighs. I asked him why, and he said, “you owed me and you shouldn’t have fought.” – Anon
I keep saying “you,” but perhaps it’s not you, because #notallmen, amirite?
For the truly good men, realize that I’m using the royal “you” in this context for effect. If you too are sick of the way women are treated like pretty things to be possessed, please keep reading, because these comments contain lessons all men must learn.
And now, back to our regularly scheduled rant.
When I was 19, I had consensual sex w/ a guy a little older than me, and it was great. Til he wanted to go in the backdoor and I said no. To which I was flipped over, held down by the back of my neck and told “You have to learn to listen”. – Suzzett
She doesn’t owe you an explanation as to why she doesn’t want to go out with you. She doesn’t owe you conversation. When you catcall her she is under no obligation to acknowledge your presence, because she doesn’t owe you shit.
I run outdoors … the catcalls, sexual remarks etc happen almost every day. Just last week, this guy blocked my path to start talking to me … he complimented my running and asked for my number. I (very politely) told him I need to get back to my run … and then the insults started. I had to push him off the path and run fast just to get out of there. – Sue
She shouldn’t have to explain that she has a boyfriend, or make one up. “No” is a complete sentence, not the beginning of a negotiation process. If you continue to pursue her, she doesn’t have to eventually give in to your “charms.”
Numerous times…Meet a guy, exchange numbers, light flirting by text, into unsolicited d*ck pics, into “you saw mine, let me see yours”. When I say that’s not really my thing, he gets super pissed saying “that’s not fair.” – April
This isn’t what you’ve been conditioned to expect. You watched Leonard pursue Penny on Big Bang Theory and it worked out for him. Kevin James had two babes in Zookeeper and has a hot wife in King of Queens, and he’s not even rich. The nerd got the girl in Revenge of the Nerds via outright rape. Guys getting the girl via relentless stalking has happened innumerable times in movies. Getting back to the banging on Big Bang Theory, the weasel-like Howard has a hot wife and on a recent episode the overly nerdy Raj is alternating between the beds of two beautiful women.
Just because I was a drunk 13 year old who stupidly allowed you to fondle me did not mean you had the right to then fuck me when I said no and cried through entire experience. – Natasha
It’s enough to make any guy think the world owes him a model or three. But it doesn’t owe you something, and neither does she.
Many women live in fear of guys who pursue them, and many are practiced in deescalating. They’ve been hassled and catcalled and groped and stalked and even assaulted. They’ve been told to smile and insulted for their looks and called a bitch and a slut and told to loosen up … and much, much worse.
Had a guy pull up to me in his car while masturbating when I was 18 and on my courier job. A friend/coworker had the same guy approach her and when she called the police, the dispatcher just laughed. – Stevie
They have been treated like possessions by strangers as well as by men they know so many times that their lives can’t help be affected by it. Some are desensitized, and others become hyper sensitive. So what can you, the good man, do about it?
At our neighborhood pool in my bikini because I feel comfortable wearing one. Neighbor I barely know asks me how many kids I have, I told him 3, and he looks me up and down and proceeds to comment on how good my body is. I don’t care what the fuck he thinks about my body! Ewwwww!!! – Stacey
Stop turning a blind eye. Believe what women say, and admit that rape culture is a real thing. I know some people call bullshit on that term, but after reading the comments in this piece what the hell else would you call it?
In marriage counseling with a Christian counselor. My then husband complained that I wouldn’t have sex with him anymore. The counselor looked me in the eye and told me my marriage wouldn’t be falling apart if I were fulfilling my duties as a wife. – Kristine
Call out rape culture wherever you see it. Don’t be a bystander to such harassment. Help make the harassers feel harassed and perhaps they’ll rethink it.
After one bad date, he parked outside of my house for weeks, following me every time I left the house. The police were not helpful. – Heather
Be an ally to women, not just another adversary. They get enough crap from police and security guards and church leaders and parents and significant others who think they were asking for the abuse. Don’t participate in victim blaming. Put the blame where it belongs: on the perpetrators.
A guy I (briefly) dated in my 20’s berated me for an hour because I didn’t swallow. Like ingesting his semen was supposed to be some kind of honour. I think he thought it was a gift he was giving me. He actually called me ungrateful. – Sarah
These comments are from me asking for examples of harassment on my Facebook page. I didn’t realize what I was in for, thinking I might get a dozen replies. Was I ever wrong. Reading through every word of the several hundred responses, many sent via private message, was a daunting task that made me feel sick.
My church leader told me I had to forgive the person who sexually abused me. And I had to repent for having seduced him, when I was six. I was told if I didn’t forgive him, he’d go to hell and it would be my fault, and that I owed him the freedom that being forgiven gives a person. – Polly
This article includes only a sample of the comments / messages I received. I would ask that you endeavor to read as much as you can to gain better understanding into this rampant problem.
Thank you in advance.
When I was 18 I moved in with my boyfriend out of love and financial necessity. It was my first sexual relationship and started out consensually, but soon became forced several times a week. I would beg, “not tonight” and was told, that I lived in his house and he pays a larger portion of the bills (I was in college full time) and this was expected. – Amanda
Family friend offers to drive me home from college. Whole 4-hour ride home (he took the long route) I am fighting off his hands being in places I don’t want them. – Niki
I was just starting my career in fire/rescue and one of my substitute instructors began calling me and asking me to meet him outside of class as well as using me to demonstrate how to physically assess trauma patients. When I refused his advances he began giving me failing grades. – Shannah
When I was 21, a man at least 40 years my senior asked me if I had a fat pussy while out at the bar. When I looked at him in what I’m sure was complete surprise and disgust, he proceeded to tell me he could tell through my pants that I had a fat pussy. – Becky
I hooked up with this guy once and later saw him at a party where he kept grabbing me in a hot tub and asking me to “sit on his lap”. I said no and kept moving eventually getting away from him. He found me in a room then blocked the only exit, not letting me out until I had sex with him. – Ellen
That time I went on a date and when he drove me home, I didn’t want him to come up. So he raped me. I then told my priest who said it was my fault for tempting him. I’m an atheist now. – Tanya
When I was in college, I went out on a date with a friend. Despite my protests, he insisted on paying for dinner. He became furious when I wouldn’t go back with him and have sex, insisting that it wasn’t fair because I “owed” him sex since he paid for dinner. – Elizabeth
Once when I was in college wearing a short shorts on a very hot day an old man said to me “open up let me SUCK it…but make sure you wash up in the river first” That felt so dirty and nasty. – Marsha
My life has unfortunately been riddled with harassment from men starting when I was 7 and it has ranged from unwanted comments and requests from boys to molestation to catcalls, being followed, obsessions and even assault. – Melissa
On two separate occasions guys have whipped their dicks out after giving me a ride home. Mere acquaintances. – Sandy
One time I was at the bar with a friend; we were chatting at a table when two men approached us. One of them then proceeded to rub my arm, uninvited, and asked me to dance. I moved my arm and politely declined. He persisted. I declined again, a bit more firmly. He became more aggressive in his pursuit, raising his voice and attempting to use his physical presence in an intimidating manner. I finally snapped: “I don’t want to dance with you! Fuck OFF!” At that point, he spit on me. – Shashanna
If I wanted a better shift (bartender in college) I needed to “date” the manager. – Keri
I’m a lesbian. Was out in public with my girlfriend. Man asks us to kiss each other so he can watch. Asked for a threesome after I told him to fuck off. – “Scruff”
At a church youth group. 15 years old. Older guy groped me. Tried to force me to kiss him. Very shaken, told the leaders, was blamed because my belly was showing a little & I dressed “alternatively.”– Hani
I have a neutral facial expression (a.k.a. resting bitch face) and I am constantly told (by men) that it wouldn’t break my face to smile. – Andrea
If I turned down sex, my ex-husband used to tell me it was my “wifely duty” … Then he made me do it anyway. He genuinely thought he was being kind afterward when he’d pat my sobbing shoulders a couple times and thank me for a job well done. – Heidi
20yo – I’m in the military. Everyone wants to either fuck me or harass me for fun. I am entirely defined by my gender. – Lauren
“Erin, you have really nice legs. When will you be wearing a skirt to class next?” – my high school computer teacher. In front of the whole class. – Erin
Online dating … The unsolicited “dick pic” has become something that you have to actually state UP FRONT that you DON’T want or it comes whistling into your messages. These are usually followed by “let’s see yours”. – Maureen
I once turned a guy down for a second date so he stalked me for two years. – Samantha
It makes me really sad how, often, the last defence we have is to say we have a boyfriend, whether that’s true or not. Like your desire to be left alone is only valid if another guy has perceived “rights” to you, it’s not enough that you don’t want this person’s attention. – Jodie
I had a former soldier try to use his service and unpleasant experiences in Iraq to guilt trip me into going out with him. It’s amazing how quickly his “traumatized warrior who just needs love” shtick turned into “bitter misogynistic curse-spewing douchenozzle” after I turned him down. – Sarah
Asked me why I wear my hair so short. Told him I liked it that way. His parting salvo was “because guys prefer long hair on women”. Hurrah for unsolicited advice from random fuckfaces on the street. – Julia
Last night, on my way home from the train station, a man smoking out his window greeted me with “Evening” as I walked past. I smiled slightly, trying to be friendly/prevent further interaction/get home. Which got me called “stuck-up fat cunt!” – Jennifer
I was walking from work to the bus stop one afternoon when a guy pulled up along the side walk and leaned out to talk to me. He said how pretty I was, had nice hair and asked me my name. I responded as I always did, “Thanks, my guy agrees,” (whether I have one or not); he then yelled at me “just asked your name you fucking fat bitch!” – Kimberley
When I was 15 I was cat-called and ignored it. When the guy was unhappy about this, he walked over and asked for my phone number. When I ignored him again, he beat me up until I had a concussion. – Kelsie
If I crash on your couch, you do not have permission to grope me while I am sleeping. – Bethany
“I have condoms. And we (group of 10+ guys) want to test them and you are the lucky one.” (I did not feel lucky.) – Chantal
My brother tried to sell me to a dope dealer for a night because he owed him money. – Julie
I ignore a man’s so called compliment “hey beautiful” and he punishes me by throwing his milkshake at my back. – Ellie
My ex husband was under the impression that so long as I was “his” wife he was owed any amount of sexual favors he deemed necessary. – Amanda
I used an online dating site, and took a friend to meet a guy. After meeting him I wasn’t interested, told him so, and stopped contact. He proceeded to call me a stuck up slut who led him on and who deserved something for his efforts. – Catherine
My supervisor at work asked me out. Every day. For two years. While we were alone in his car on our daily trip to make bank deposits. – Amber
I developed early and had breasts at 11; my face was still that of a child but that didn’t stop many drivers slowing down to make some disgusting comments. To this day I still freak out when a car stops by me when I’m walking. – Sara
I met a guy once; he got into my car and refused to get out until he could cop a feel. He said kiss me or show me your tits. I said I would scream if he didn’t get out. He lunged toward me and I laid on the horn. He still managed to cop a feel. Asshole. – Sara
When I was 12-13, I was molested by a family friend for 2 years. – Sara
I have been groped 7 times while shelving books. – Jill, a librarian
I was on the subway and some dude kept hitting on me. I told him I wasn’t interested and turned around. Guy grabs my butt, so I shove him back. He then smacked me across the face hard enough that I actually stumbled backwards. – Kaleena
Or the guy who tried to speak to me and I ignored on my way to the toilet who followed me and blocked my path exiting the toilet to ask why I was so rude ignoring him. – Kathryn
I stopped taking public transportation because of men. – Rebekah
Walking into Target a guy continued to catcall me, whistle and try to get my attention. I ignored him and continued walking without making eye contact. Then he finally said, “f u you whore, you ain’t that cute anyway.” – Crystal
Ahh the days of the C train..I’ve had more than my fair share of hands and hardons rubbed on my ass. – Tiffanie
Guys (even friends ) being pissed off when I cut my hair. – Patricia
I’ve been catcalled too many times to bother trying to count. (I’m not even old enough to drink yet.) – Juliet
When I was out with a friend in Paris at age 19 a group of men approached us and then one grabbed my head and pushed it towards his crotch and they all started laughing. – Jennifer
Random guy coming and hugging me several times … I called security. They said he was a good-looking guy, so why wouldn’t I just go along with it? – Patricia
Just the other day I was out running and two guys stopped JUST to leer/watch me run by and said “Helloooooo” as I ran past – forcing me into the middle of the fucking road to get by them. – Stevie
So many times. Even now, in my mid-forties, I’ve gotten comments about how I shouldn’t wear loose clothes because apparently, people are entitled to the spectacle of my butt. – Patricia
Apparently having visible tattoos gives strangers the right to touch you. – Melissa
I’m a lesbian on a gay dating site that seems to get a lot of straight men posing as lesbian women. I get way too many dick pics. – Ari
A guy saw my extensive chest piece, breathed “whoa, nice tattoo,” and yanked down the front of my shirt to get a better look. He did not understand why I was upset, and was very defensive, as if it was perfectly acceptable behavior to pull down a woman’s shirt to her sternum. – Ariana
When I was 18 my boss (grocery store) stuck his hands down the back of my pants and asked it I liked it. – Lindsey
A long-term close friend pulled out his penis and held my hand on it until I started screaming. – Zoe
I don’t like having to ‘smile’ in order to get my order and pay for my eggs or coffee. – Nina
A guy (I thought was a friend) helped me once to get out of the house I had been living in with an abusive partner. He let me stay on his couch and one morning tried to rape me. He said after all he did for me he earned it. – Anon
I’m carrying three bags of groceries home one day and this guy on a bike rides up beside me and asks if I need help. I say no thank you, I’ve got it. He calls me a bitch and says that I should be grateful that any man offers to do anything for me. – Danielle
My former boss pointed at me, in front of his wife, and said “That’s going to be my next wife.” As if I was simply property that he could claim. – Andrea
He told me to hang up my ongoing phone call so he could get my number. When I told him no and that I have a boyfriend, he got angry, accused me of making up a fake boyfriend, and pointed out that I didn’t have a ring on. – Christine
I also advise you to follow @EverydaySexism on Twitter for more examples.
This article originally appeared on Body For Wife.
__________

james s fellJames S. Fell is a syndicated fitness columnist for the Chicago Tribune and author of Lose it Right: A Brutally Honest 3-Stage Program to Help You Get Fit and Lose Weight Without Losing Your Mind, published by Random House Canada. He also writes fitness columns for the Los Angeles Times and AskMen.com, and has appeared in TIME Magazine, Men’s Health, NPR and the Guardian. In addition to writing about fitness James is passionate about busting masculinity myths and exposing the rampant misogyny that permeates society, as well as offering men real advice about how they can be better human beings and achieve lasting love and happiness. Visit James’s website at www.BodyForWife.com and follow him on Facebook and Twitter.

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Phil T Mistlberger – The History Of Man

Episode: 047

Discover masculinity and its true core on today’s insightful podcast with Mr. Mistlberger.

Introduction:
Phil T Mistlberger is an expert on masculinity and brotherhood and has worked in this space for over 30 years. He is the author of four critically acclaimed books on the subject of men’s work and is the founder of The Samurai Brotherhood. Phil discusses the differences between men today vs. back 20-30 years ago and what the men of today’s generation are seeking the most.

 

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Listen to it on iTunes

Mantalks Stitcher podcast

Listen to it on Stitcher

 

 

Key Takeaways:
Key Takeaways:
[2:40] Who is Phil and how did he get started?
[7:00] Phil discusses Robert Bly’s book, Iron John and the deep connection men need to have.
[7:20] Men have not been around to raise their sons. They’ve been raised by mothers.
[8:45] What do men currently struggle with the most? Has this trend changed over the last 30 years?
[10:10] The way men communicate has been disrupted by technology.
[12:15] Do Millennial men lack grit?
[13:15] There’s a weird mix of resentment and entitlement in the average Millennial man.
[16:40] Millennial men are seeking more of their masculine side when they come to Phil.
[21:30] The ideal is to have both male and female traits. Values from the mother and grit from the father.
[23:35] How does Phil help with developing grit?
[30:05] Men are inclined to be loners, so Phil recommends joining a community to build a stronger bond with others.
[32:10] Where does your self-worth come from? For men, it’s tied up in activities and what they can do for other people.
[35:25] Young men tend to have less competition with older men.
[39:10] What’s the importance of being challenged?
[41:45] Where is masculinity headed? It’s going beyond blind competition.
[46:50] Men’s work tends to be much more open these days and more people are aware of it.
[49:10] What does legacy look like to Phil?

Mentioned in This Episode:
www.mantalks.com/
www.samuraibrotherhood.com/
www.ptmistlberger.com/
Iron John by Robert Bly
Paradise Lost by John Milton

Music Credit:
Parlange & Latenite Automatic (jesusparlange.comlateniteautomatic.com)

Tweetables:

“Most of the destructive things done on the planet right now by people tend to be done by the male gender.”

“These destructive things are often done by younger men being guided by older men.”

“Man believes that he’s responsible for a woman’s happiness and he’s also responsible for her unhappiness.”

 

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If you want to support the show and help others find the show please LEAVE US AN ITUNES REVIEW!
Connect with the show on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/ManTalks.ca/ , Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/mantalks/ and Twitter: https://twitter.com/mantalks
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Man Of The Week – Zachary Stockill

From humble beginnings to becoming a successful author and an award winning researcher, Zachary Stockill has had an incredible journey in discovering his life’s purpose. Part of his fascinating journey include a 10-day silent meditation retreat to a stumbling into becoming an author and entrepreneur. Today Zachary is a leading figure in confronting and overcoming jealousy in our relationships and recently launched his first podcast, Travels in Music, a show dedicated to sharing stories about music from around the world. Zachary strongly challenges traditional notions of jealousy being a ‘normal’ feeling, rather a sentiment we as individuals need to confront and deal with to develop a pure relationship. You can read more about Zachary below and at his website, or you can follow him on Twitter @zfstockill.

Age: 28.

What do you do? (Work)
I wear many hats; perhaps, at the moment, a few too many. I write articles and books, create courses, build websites, and do a little bit of coaching and consulting. I’m currently experimenting with my first podcast, called Travels in Music.
Aside from writing about music and culture, I run a website called RetroactiveJealousy. I try to help people overcome jealousy and possessiveness in their romantic relationships.

Why do you do it?
I think this is work that needs to be done. Retroactive jealousy, obsessive jealousy aren’t things that people talk about very often, and in my view there isn’t a lot of information available for people on how to overcome it, and how good life gets once you do. We take certain things for granted in our society, and there are models that I believe deserve to be challenged; among them, that expressions of jealousy and possessiveness are healthy expressions of love, and are a “natural” or “normal” aspect of romantic relationships. I don’t think that’s necessarily true. And I try to show people, through sharing my story and the stories of others, that life gets a lot better once you develop effective methods of confronting and dealing with jealousy and possessiveness.
I write about music and culture because I want to share stories that deserve to be told, and again, challenge perspectives and pre-conceptions which I believe deserve to be challenged. The common thread linking all of my work is a deep-seated curiosity about people, and the way the world works. I’m absolutely fascinated by human beings. We are a strange bunch.

How do you make a difference in the world? (Work, business, life, family, self)
I try to inspire people to think a little differently, and challenge their perspectives as I question and challenge my own. I am working to be a better brother and son, and for me this has involved being more self-critical, and honest about the parts of myself I don’t like, and that need to change. I try to be a good and loyal friend to my friends, and the most crucial part of that is, I think, committing to being honest with them (and asking the same of them in return). And I am working to become a more thoughtful and generous lover and partner, always.

What are 3 defining moments in your life?
– I have a very clear memory of stepping out of the airport in New Delhi, India, when I was 20, having just begun my first trip overseas. I remember the smell so clearly—an aromatic orgy of cowshit, exhaust fumes, curry, dust, incense, you name it. More than anything, I remember thinking “This smells like the oldest place in the world.” I was hooked. And although adjusting to life in India was initially a challenge, I quickly grew to love the country. More importantly, I think that initial experience awoke me to the joy and wonder of traveling.
– Another moment involved a 10-day silent meditation retreat, depression, and some serious emotional baggage being lifted. At the risk of sounding like some sort of spiritual/new-age poseur, I think I had a brief experience of what Zen Buddhists call “kensho,” or “satori.” Basically, it felt like an ever-so-tiny glimpse into enlightenment. I remember feeling intensely, inordinately connected to everything around me—people, the earth, the trees, people I once thought I was mad at—and overflowing with love and appreciation for being alive. It was the most powerful, healing and transformative couple of hours of my life, and in some ways I think I’ve been chasing that experience for the past five years. Time to stop chasing.
– I also have a couple of very vivid and precious memories of falling in love for the first time. But these are moments best described in a different, more intimate venue, I think.

What is your life purpose?
In a word: evolution. It’s important to me to work at being a better, more honest and giving man than I was a year, a month, a week ago. And I hope I can inspire others to evolve as well, whether it’s in terms of their personal development, or just in terms of the way they think about certain things. It’s exciting to me to be able to inspire others to appreciate things—whether it’s sex, or music, or even just a good whiskey—that they didn’t fully appreciate before.

How did you tap into it?
I fell into this line of work largely by accident. A few years ago I wrote a book about jealousy under a pen name primarily as an exercise in catharsis, and very quickly things started to naturally evolve into the work I do now. I’ve been fortunate to have some kind and generous male mentors throughout my 20’s who have challenged me, and inspired me to grow. And my love of culture and music has always been there—my parents tell me I was singing and dancing before I could walk—so I’m not sure I “tapped into” it; maybe it tapped into me. Writing has also been a constant in my life. I’m introverted by nature, and this lends itself well to sitting alone in a room for hours at a stretch trying to work out your thoughts.

Who is your Role-Model or Mentor?
Can I give you a few? My father and maternal grandfather come to mind; they’re very different men, and I’ve learned some important lessons from them about being a man, acknowledging your flaws, and trying to grow into a better man. I have a lot of respect for the Canadian writer Zan Perrion, his approach to women and romance, and his adventurous spirit. I also admire Anthony Bourdain, not just for his travels and his talent as a storyteller, but the way he thinks about travel, the way he approaches it. I think Leonard Cohen is just about the coolest human being on the planet. And I would be remiss if I didn’t mention the Buddha; no other teacher has taught me more about life and living.

Do you have any daily habits? If so, what are they?
Enough of the spiritual, woo-woo stuff, something practical: a habit I picked up the first time I was in India was drinking a lot of water. I start every day off, immediately after I brush my teeth, with a protein shaker bottle filled with water. It’s a revitalizing ritual to start your day off with. And wherever I am, at any time, I always have a glass or bottle of water on the go. (This is especially helpful when you’re imbibing. Your liver can thank me later.) It might seem excessive or unnecessary to some, but it’s made a big difference for me in terms of weight loss, appetite suppression, energy level, etc. And yes, you’re peeing all the time, but that’s good too; it’s good to stand up, take a little walk, and get away from the computer on a regular basis.
I also pick up my guitar or ukulele and mess around for at least a few minutes every day. I try to dance, take a walk or swim, lift weights, or just get up and move at some point every day. It’s important to engage different parts of your brain at different times of the day, and doing something physical every day is important to me.

When do you know your work/life balance is off?
When my eyeballs start to ache. For me, this means there have been too many hours, for too many days in a row, staring at a computer screen. Also, my social skills start to go to hell; even the simplest, shortest conversation with the barrista at the coffeeshop start to seem laborious when I’m working too hard, and keeping myself isolated. It’s usually around that time that I determine a cocktail is in order.

Vulnerability is a challenge for most men – share a vulnerable moment from your life with us.
Over the past year I’ve talked and written more about meditation than I’ve actually meditated. I feel slightly ashamed when I extol the virtues of meditation to others, when I don’t have a regular practice going myself. It’s time to change that. I was involved in a motorbike accident in early 2015, and for whatever reason, since then I’ve found the process of parking my posterior on a cushion and meditating especially challenging.

What did you learn from it?
It’s almost painfully clicheed, but the accident taught me that I am not, in fact, invincible. And no one else is responsible for my physical well-being and safety. Don’t be an idiot, and take unnecessary risks. Take care of yourself, as physical health is everything, really. I’m only 28, and I’d like to spend a lot more time on this rock of ours.

If you are or were going to be a mentor for another man, what is one piece of advice you would give him?
That you, and only you, are responsible for the quality of your life. No one is coming to “save” you; not me, not some woman, not your parents, not another self-help book, not another motivational quote on Instagram. You. Focus on what is in your sphere of control, and disregard that which is not. You are enormously powerful, but you have to direct your power and energy in ways that serve you. Anything else is a waste of time.

How do you be the best partner (Boyfriend/Husband- past or present)
Needless to say, I am still trying to figure this out. Again, it’s clicheed, but I think it really does come down to empathy, understanding. One thing I’ve discovered through my work is that what people want, more than anything else, is to feel recognized, seen, understood. Most people don’t really want you to tell them what to do, or for you to override their pain and anger with your guidance or instruction. I think this is especially true in relationships. Many problems are solved, and conflicts avoided, when you can simply look your partner in the eye and say “I understand,” but the catch is you have to mean it. This takes a great deal of reflection, practice, patience, and just shutting the hell up from time to time. It took me too long to learn this, and I still have a long way to go.

Do you support any charities or not-for-profits? (Which one(s) and why?)
I support Kiva, which is an organization that offers micro-loans to entrepreneurs in developing countries. I also support the World Wildlife Fund, as I’m quite fond of polar bears (from a distance, of course). I think Musicians Without Borders does wonderful, very important work. And with the ongoing horror in Syria and Iraq, at this moment in time UNICEF is as essential an organization as it’s ever been. Those people are doing critical, lifesaving work, day in day out.

If your life had a theme song, what would it be?
I’ve told friends that I want “This Is All I Ask” by Harry Nilsson played at my funeral, as it captures a certain spirit, an energy I aspire to in life: ease and delight. And I have long felt a powerful connection to the song “Hoppipolla” by the Icelandic rock band Sigur Ros, even though I have no idea what they’re singing about. To tell you the truth, I don’t want to know.

Where do you see yourself in 3 years?
Living in a warm climate in a well-lit flat with a well-stocked bar, surrounded by good music, good friends, and beautiful women, doing challenging, meaningful work that I enjoy.

What legacy do you want to leave for future generations?
More than anything, I want to make the lives of the people I love a little brighter. I hope, through my writing, that I will have inspired some people to think a little differently. (As William Zinsser once advised, “Writing is an act of ego, and you might as well admit it.”) I hope that I turned people on to possibilities and experiences—in terms of art, relationships, and life in general—that perhaps they weren’t aware of before, and which have improved their lives.

Which one book would you recommend for any man?
I’m currently reading Meditations by the Roman emperor Marcus Aurelius, and would encourage other men to do the same. It’s a compelling read, and offers lessons and perspectives that are just as valuable now as they were when they were first set to parchment nearly 2000 years ago. Not a book to read too fast; this one requires constant breaks, and deep reflection.

If you know a Man that is making a positive impact on the world, we would love to hear from you! Contact us at ansar@mantalks.com