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Man Of The Week – Jeff Perera

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For over eight years, Jeff Perera has been working to help inspire new models of possibility for manhood: having spoken to men, young men and boys across Canada and beyond on how we can strive toward change within, and be part of nurturing healthier ideas of manhood where we work, live, study, worship and play. Today, Jeff is a Speaker and Facilitator with Next Gen Men, who work with young men and boys, as well as engage and educate men around conversations of toxic versus mindful masculinities. He has delivered two TEDx talks: ‘Words Speak Louder that Actions’ and ‘The Ladder of Manhood’. If that wasn’t enough, Jeff also writes over at Higher Unlearning, exploring how limiting ideas of gender impact men in everyday life. Jeff shares some poetic and inspiring words in his interview and ManTalks is honoured to have Jeff Perera as our newest Man Of The Week!

Age: 41 (but don’t look it! Being brown don’t let ya down!)

What do you do? (Work)
I am a Speaker and Facilitator with Next Gen Men. I’ve spoken to tens of thousands of young men, boys and men across Canada and abroad, for eight years, about our ideas of manhood and new models of possibility for men.

Why do you do it?
I realized years ago that how many of us answer the question of what it means to be a man, is at the core of so many of the challenges, issues and struggles that people of all genders face. Traditions and concepts of what manhood is or isn’t, impact everything; from our lives at home or work, or where we study or worship, as well as our relationship with the environment, our true self, and with each other. As men, working to give ourselves the freedom to be our best self, in turn helps nurture the world we want to live in,

How do you make a difference in the world? (Work, business, life, family, self)
What I have learned again and again is: The way forward begins with us, within us. There are many men who want to explore living a more full, meaningful, heartfelt life; embracing vulnerability and fear, and not facing it all alone. I look to help men open their heart’s eye and strive to see the invisible: how these toxic ideas of manhood are both the rope used to section off people of other genders in everyday life, as well as the chain holding men back from our whole humanity. My hope is to help inspire others to genuinely begin their journey from head to heart, and from heart to action: showing up in their own lives, and the lives of others. My role is to help convey to men and boys that change must be ongoing within us, but that you are not alone and that we can take this journey together.

What are 3 defining moments in your life?
– The day I realized the person I wanted to be: as a little child witnessing my father (who was a violent tyrant at home) back down and hide in his car from a drunk man who wanted to fight him.
– The day I saw my father’s dead body.
– A quiet moment when I decided to leave a 9-5 job because I wanted to own the impact I make, and what those waves to continue to be after I’ve left this world.

What is your life purpose?
I want to be the lesson in action, and inspire others to try as well. I want to hold a mirror up for others, so we learn to truly see our role in everyday situations. That starts with role modelling the process and looking in that mirror ourselves. I want to be a gentle voice inviting you into this conversation, but also push and provoke you: make you comfortable with discomfort (that place where our real inner growth happens.)

How did you tap into it?
Too many men have a void in their lives: not having emotionally present models and mentors. I call these models of possibility ‘Maps to Manhood’, someone who you can talk to or just learn from by seeing how they navigate life. I decided to aspire to be the example I was looking for, fill the void for myself and others. That process has brought into my life amazing men from whom I learn from and unlearn with.

Who is your Role-Model or Mentor?
Muhammad Ali. We can learn from anyone and everyone (and need to always listen for the lesson) but the life he lived was his message to us. Ali was the voice telling us to get back up, to stand up. Ali taught us to answer the bell, rise up, and get into the ‘Ring of our own Life’. He said: “True success is reaching our potential without compromising our values.” He demonstrated the will to work and work, battle yourself and all circumstances in order to achieve your goals, and be ready to sacrifice it all for what matters. I strive to be half the man he was.

Do you have any daily habits? If so, what are they?
I mentioned mirrors earlier, I take a moment to look in the mirror every day. It is my reminder to not just see my physical self, but my entire self. To be present and mindful in each moment as much as I can be, and try harder than that, in order to own everything I’ve done and didn’t do. I want to focus not the impression I leave with others so much as the impact I have on others. Trying to talk to myself using loving speech also!

When do you know your work/life balance is off?
I talk more and more these days about ‘Mindful Masculinities’. When I am truly striving to be present, show up, enter the Ring of my own life: in everyday, simple moments I can tell when I am not at my best. We all have those ‘engine light’ or ‘oil change’ symbols light up on our inner dashboard: those moments when a quiet voice whispers “you need to take a break” or “put the email away and go sit with your child for a bit”.
Humbly, I would like to submit that the pursuit of ‘work/life balance’ is a fruitless chase that sets us up for failure. Instead, I believe the key is seeking to find harmony within every moment in Life. This is a fluid state where we seek to maintain amidst the ever-changing highs and lows. We are in constant motion, our lives are never truly in a stand-still state until our last breath. Life is like crossing a tightrope towards our destination, as we carry all our life’s relationships, projects, aspirations, challenges and responsibilities in our hands. The goal is to constantly seek harmony within the present moment, both when it is quiet, or when we face the gusts of Life’s winds of challenge… all while moving in a forward motion. This is our endless work: staying tuned in, learning to adjust and thrive, all while seeking to be one with this very moment.

Vulnerability is a challenge for most men – share a vulnerable moment from your life with us.
I want to be the person that reaches out to you when things are at their lowest, not someone who shows up when you are riding waves of success. I think we need to start doing that for ourselves, with ourselves.
In the very near future, I seek to openly talk about my mistakes and lessons learned. I think it is time we opened up as men and owned our shit. Taking ownership of our actions, behaviour and impact. I am writing a piece about this topic, in which I wrote: “To Men everywhere, this isn’t about the ‘Day of our Reckoning’, this is about the Day of our Awakening.”
In 2015, I started a year-long journey to explore and own my past actions and reputation, and ask myself hard questions. I did a lot of listening, talking with women from different periods of my life: colleagues, friends, acquaintances, women I’ve interacted with in community work, as well as women I dated in the past. I wanted to better know myself through the narrative others have of me, based on my impact in the community. This wasn’t solely about me, my hurt feelings or my guilt, but more about learning of any hurt or harm I may have caused.

What did you learn from it?
As a result, I started having much deeper, vulnerable conversations with men in my life, modelling how we can help one another do this emotional work together. Sharing my journey helped me open up conversations with men, as we discussed regrets, shame and fear of talking openly about mistakes, and how we need to do this work together. Instead of leaving women in our lives to do all the heavy emotional lifting for us, we can share in the emotional, healing, self-awareness work amongst other fellow men.
Ben Okri said “Stories can conquer fear. They can make the heart larger.” We can humbly share our experiences together as men, to help our own healing and learning, and others too. I started a monthly gathering in Toronto: a private circle of men I knew trying to be positive role models in our communities. There we open up and share, and listen to one another. No performance, no judgements, not as a PR move to salvage our name after a mistake made. Raw, real honest truths and buried fears. We need to model doing emotional labour together as men, where there isn’t reward (i.e. opening up with the goal of achieving romantic or sexual pursuits).
Next Gen Men has started monthly gatherings in Calgary, and soon other cities like Toronto (which I will be organizing) called ‘Wolf Pack’. (http://nextgenmen.ca/our-program/wolf-pack) These will be spaces where men can have these conversations together, open to people of all genders. Wolf Pack aims to tackle challenges of social isolation amongst adult men by helping foster social connection and new friendships through vulnerable and supportive conversations around topics of depth.

If you are or were going to be a mentor for another man, what is one piece of advice you would give him?
I am looked to by some as an ‘expert’ on healthy masculinities, but anyone who says they have the ‘quick-fix, follow these three easy steps, just-add water’ solutions to being a better man is working a con. The path toward being your better self (not better than someone else, but better that who you were yesterday) is a lifelong journey. There are no shortcuts, no quick solutions, we have to roll up our sleeves and develop the resolution to truly face ourselves, with love. A self-love that is accountability, transparency and humility.

How do you be the best partner (Boyfriend/Husband- past or present)
Know Yourself.

Do you support any Charities or Not-for-profits? (Which one(s) and why?)
Let me tell you about three, starting with the one I work for!
Next Gen Men (www.nextgenmen.ca) is a youth-led, nonprofit organization focused on building better men through youth and peer engagement, education and empowerment. We believe that by engaging, educating, and empowering our peers, we can ensure that the next generation of men will make a positive impact on their communities.
Reclaim Your Voice (www.abusesurvivalstories.com) is a nonprofit event series which provides a platform for men and women who have experienced domestic violence, psychological and sexual abuse, to reclaim their voices. Combining raw testimonials from survivors with inspirational spoken word pieces and motivational speeches, Reclaim Your Voice is a positive and healing experience that uplifts both the mind and the soul.
FYOU: THE FORGIVENESS PROJECT (www.thefyouproject.ca) is a movement that started after rape-survivor Tara Muldoon did not find justice in the justice system. After realizing forgiveness would have to come from within, she created a platform for youth and young adults to speak openly about what it means to forgive. FYOU is now a team that runs programming and workshops internationally. The entire movement is comprised of youth and young adults.

If your life had a theme song, what would it be?
‘Sure Looks Good To Me’ by Alicia Keys.

Where do you see yourself in 3 years?
I see myself doing what I am doing today, but in different and ever-evolving ways; hopefully having learned more and grown each day from now to that moment in time.

What legacy do you want to leave for future generations?
I hope to be seen as a person who left it all in the ring. I want to be someone who inspired others to reach deeper and do better: not just in my words but my deeds and actions, and the impact I had on others.

What One book would you recommend for any Man?
The Autobiography of Malcolm X
(Also: Man Up: Reimagining Modern Manhood by Carlos Andrés Gómez)

If you know a Man that is making a positive impact on the world, we would love to hear from you! Contact us at [email protected]

Man Of The Week – Connor Driscoll

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Connor Driscoll was introduced to us through a previous Man Of The Week and boy are we thrilled with that connection! While his life’s purpose may not be something he has identified or learned yet, Connor is an admirable young man whose values and work serve as a reminder for all of us to continue positively impacting those around us. Connor has done this for the last seven years where he began teaching in an elementary school, and today serves as the principal. Like many before him, Connor sees education as a means of preparing children for their future, with some of the tools needed to handle life, and the medium for which we leave the world in a better place. His reward is the simplest and purest of things: the joy kids can bring. Many of us often get stuck in the rat race that is our professional career; however, Connor’s life experiences have taught him an invaluable lesson that the real joy in life is not in the outcome, but the journey itself. Investing time and efforts with the right intentions in meaningful areas of our lives has a bigger impact on us and those around us, but this must be done with the support of your loved ones. Read on to learn more about Connor’s journey and how an incredible moment of vulnerability allowed him to realize that his wife is the rock of his life.

Age – 30

What do you do? (Work)
I am in my first year as an elementary school principal. I’ve worked as a teacher for the past seven years, and had bouts as a climbing and mountaineering guide on the east and west coasts. I’m also a fledgling author of fiction for middle-grade readers. I’ve finished one book and am working with a fantastic agent to find the right home for it. So far it’s not profitable work, but I enjoy it and work hard at it, so it counts.

Why do you do it?
Let’s see. I work in education because I believe wholeheartedly in the mission of public education and that every child deserves access to a future that only education can provide. Also, I really enjoy the work. I think with any job, it’s important to enjoy what you do, but that’s particularly true in education because the joy kids bring is the biggest reward in the job. If you don’t enjoy it, you’re sunk and the ones who lose out most are the kids. Don’t get me wrong, the work is really hard (as any educator who does a good job will tell you) but the fact that it is so hard and so important makes it worth it. I mean, in what other profession do you literally get to prepare the next generation for what life has in store- or at least what we predict life will be like when they’re adults?
I worked as a mountaineering and climbing guide because I love climbing and the mountains, and I wanted to share passion with others. I still love climbing and the mountains, and will share those experiences with anyone I can, but I had to choose and I chose public education. I don’t regret it.
I write because I enjoy it. That’s it. I could always get lost reading fiction, and I’ve found that I can do the same when writing it.

How do you make a difference in the world? (Work, business, life, family, self)
I think that’s the whole point of education. It may not be a difference that’s felt all at once, or one that the students even notice is being made at the time, but most adults can look back and identify at least one teacher that really made a difference in his or her life. Helping kids learn and helping them mature and cope with life’s many curveballs makes a difference to them, and who knows how that will impact the world down the line.

What are 3 defining moments in your life?
– Meeting, then marrying my wife. She’s absolutely amazing.
– Growing up and working on a party fishing boat with my dad. He was the captain and I was the mate. It was a really special time, and I got to hear my dad tell a lot of stories. Maybe that’s why I like to write them.
– Any of about a million memories of spending time with my family. I can’t pick one, but they’re really important to me and always have been.

What is your life purpose?
I haven’t figured that one out just yet, and I’m not sure I ever will. I think that maybe that’s a purpose in and of itself- the journey. I think it’s about the process, not the ends.

How did you tap into it?
I try to enjoy experiences as much as I possibly can and be the best person I know how.

Who is your Role-Model or Mentor?
My father. He’s always been someone I looked up to.

Do you have any daily habits? If so, what are they?
I like to try and do something physical, whether it’s running or hiking or climbing or taking the dog for a romp in the woods. If I go to many days in a row without doing that, I start to get antsy. My wife thinks I’m like a dog that way, and she usually notices before I do if I’m off. I think she’s worried I’ll start chewing the furniture. I also spend as much time with her as I can- dinner if we’re both home or some couch time if it’s later.

When do you know your work/life balance is off?
I can feel it. The other day I was at a meeting, and we were talking about the work/life balance and someone slipped and said the work/work balance. I think that’s a sign.

Vulnerability is a challenge for most men – share a vulnerable moment from your life with us.
This one’s tough. I lost one of my best friends to suicide several years back. It was incredibly hard. He was an exchange student that lived with my family in high school. In college, I did an exchange and lived close to him for a while, too. We spent a lot of time in the mountains of Germany in Austria together, and we were very close. Because we lived in different countries at the time of his death, and his friend from Germany was informing people and didn’t have my number or email, I found out through a Facebook message from someone I didn’t know, so I didn’t believe it. I was living at my parents’ house at the time, and they were on vacation. My wife (then fiance) was living with her parents across the state, so I was alone for that night. The next morning, I couldn’t take being by myself so I went to work where I was teaching in Boston. I stuffed my car into a snowbank on the way in because I wasn’t paying attention and hit some ice. That night, I drove out to be with my wife because we were doing a pre-wedding thing with the church. Once I got there I just lost it. I cried harder than I ever had, and it hurt worse than anything I’d ever endured. Not just emotionally, but it physically hurt. Bad. The whole time I was convulsing in sobs, my wife just held me. I can still feel how tightly her arms wrapped around me from behind (I was little spoon that night) and I knew that I could get through it because I had her.

What did you learn from it?
I learned that despite any evidence to the contrary, my wife is my rock. She may dispute that, but she’s proved it time and time again.

If you are or were going to be a mentor for another man, what is one piece of advice you would give him?
Get a dog. Dogs are awesome and they make you a better person.

How do you be the best partner (Boyfriend/Husband- past or present)
We try to support each other in whatever we do. We make time for each other. We talk and we laugh, a lot.

Do you support any Charities or Not-for-profits? (Which one(s) and why?)
My wife has a connection to an orphanage in Tanzania, and we’ve paid school fees for a student there as she’s gone to secondary school. I say “we” there, but really it’s her doing that. We also both work in education and give freely of our time and treasure to that cause.

If your life had a theme song, what would it be?
I was trying to think of a serious one for this, and it just wouldn’t work. I keep coming back to “Call me Maybe.” I’m really not sure why.

Where do you see yourself in 3 years?
Right where I am now. I’m really happy with what’s going on at the moment, and have no desire to change it. I feel like sometimes people get so caught up with ambition that they forget what it’s like to be content.

What legacy do you want to leave for future generations?
I’d like for students I’ve served to be able to look back fondly on the time they had, and for them to be better human beings for having spent time in a place where I worked. I’d also like the world to be better and more understanding for my kids.

What One book would you recommend for any Man?
Anything by Roald Dahl or Shel Silverstein. Really, a lot of books for kids. I think there’s a lot that adults can learn from them, and maybe a lot that they have learned, or have forgotten over the years. It’s important to be reminded of what makes us human and I think that books targeted to kids do a really good job of that.

Man Of The Week – Graham Young

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Our Man Of The Week is an inspired young man who had to endure a series of health issues and the passing of his mother to uncover his true purpose, and to his surprise, once he discovered this, his passion in living out his purpose gave him the strength to overcome the hurdles. Graham Young was sick and tired of receiving the same impractical advise of the self-help industry, so he decided to be the change the industry needed by creating ‘Disruptive Performance Coaching’, a practical and science-based approach to helping people discover their purpose and breaking limiting thoughts and beliefs. Using this approach, Graham hopes to enable people to live a life where they are at peace, have control over the direction of their lives, and are able to create the change one would like to see in their life. Graham is able to give people the confidence, tools and comfort of knowing that they can handle any challenge life throws at them.
Age: 31
What do you do? (Work)
I am a Disruptive Performance Strategist and Founder of Graham Young Strategies, an innovative coaching consultancy.
I identify and disrupt the underlying, often unknown thought patterns that hold people back in their lives and careers. When coaching an individual, I use a practical, science based approach to help them discover their purpose and bring them to new levels of confidence and self-reliance. When working with organizations I elevate the engagement, happiness and performance of their employees.
Why do you do it?
I do this to give people full control over their lives. So they have the power to change any aspect of their life immediately. I think feeling stuck is one of the most frustrating things we experience as humans. Knowing that we need to change something about ourselves, our career or in our life; but having no idea how to make it happen. It can cause us to feel like we have little control over our thoughts, feelings and the actions they produce.
I do this to give people the confidence, tools and peace of mind knowing they can handle any challenge they face. So they never have to feel hopeless or lost when difficulties arise and so they can accomplish any goal they want to achieve in life.
I also do this to bridge the gaps between science, self-help and business. To provide a simple, practical and science based approach to personal and career development. So that people do not have to get confused by the overabundance of opinions on how to better their life. To cut through the noise and provide a framework that produces quick and long-lasting results.
In the end I hope each person I work with is able to positively influence other people in their life and in the world.
How do you make a difference in the world? (Work, business, life, family, self)
The source of making a difference in the world, I believe is in the mind of each person. So I’m fortunate to work with people on a very personal level to help them live a happier, fulfilled and more contributing life.
What are 3 defining moments in your life?

  • My Mother passing away from cancer
  • My business mentor passing away
  • When I found my purpose in life

What is your life purpose?
Much of what I answered in answer 3 describes my purpose. In a nutshell it is to simplify the human mind so people can be at peace with themselves, control their lives and create the change they need to achieve what they desire.
How did you tap into it?
It’s been something that has evolved over my life, but was accelerated after the passing of my Mom. Throughout her illness, I was able to use the knowledge that I had been learning from reading psychology and personal development books. It made such a positive impact on me and the people in my life, that I wanted to share it to help others. I began writing my blog on the anniversary of her passing and by putting my thoughts together, I slowly realized that this is what I loved to do.
Who is your Role-Model or Mentor?
My Dad has always been my biggest role model. I’ve been fortunate to have a Father who always put his family first, who defines integrity and who was successful in business. He always supported my career decisions even if they were a bit unorthodox and always believed in me with all of my ventures.
Do you have any daily habits? If so, what are they?
I have a warm cup of lemon water first thing in the morning as it provides energy and aids in digestion. I also have a morning routine that I use to get me focused and motivated to take on the day.
When do you know your work/life balance is off?
When I’m going to bed late and getting up early. When I don’t leave enough time to read before bed.
Vulnerability is a challenge for most men – share a vulnerable moment from your life with us.
Not long ago I had a number of health issues affect me all at once. They caused me to feel very tired, groggy and dizzy everyday. I also was unable to exercise for over a year and had to take some time off work. It felt like things were falling apart around me and made me feel vulnerable to circumstance.
What did you learn from it?
That if you have a passion or purpose in life, you can literally get through anything. This passion to share my knowledge and help people, was like a light at the end of the tunnel. Despite the difficulties in my life at the time, I still have this clarity and direction in where I was going. It motivated and inspired me everyday.
If you are or were going to be a mentor for another man, what is one piece of advice you would give him?
To focus on feeling content, happy, successful and confident now, as opposed to later. We often get stuck telling ourselves that something needs to happen or be accomplished in order for us to feel successful or happy. A common saying is ‘life will be great when …X… happens’. But we often go through life in this lacking state, never letting ourselves appreciate the things we’ve done.
How do you be the best partner (Boyfriend/Husband- past or present)
I think empathy is key. The better you can get at putting yourself in your partners shoes, the more you understand them and their opinions and it helps you approach conflict focused on creating a solution.
Do you support any Charities or Not-for-profits? (Which one(s) and why?)
Two years ago I created the Vancouver Basket Brigade which is based off of Tony Robbin’s International Basket Brigade. My friends and I find families in need, and deliver baskets full of clothes, food and household items.
I sit on the board of CLICK (Contributing to Lives of Inner City Kids) and support the BC Children’s Hospital. I focus a lot of my giving on kids because I love children and it kills me to think of them suffering. If we can get them through a tough time, they have their whole life ahead of them.
If your life had a theme song, what would it be?
That’s tough, it’d be cool if it were Eminem – Lose Yourself.
Where do you see yourself in 3 years?
More of my business being on the road and speaking across North America.
What legacy do you want to leave for future generations?
I’d like to refine my methodology and make it accessible to everyone in the world regardless of your location, age or income. I’m not sure if it would be delivered via software or online classes, but somehow deliver personal coaching to people who can’t afford it.
What One book would you recommend for any Man?
How to win friends and influence people. – Dale Carnegie
 
If you know a Man that is making a positive impact on the world, we would love to hear from you! Contact us at [email protected]

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