Archives for February 2016

A friend of mine shared the most remarkable insight with me the other day. Over the course of months, we’d been discussing his experiences of growing up in an abusive home. This led up to the bombshell words I couldn’t forget.

“You get to a point where there’s nothing left to do but die.”

My friend had it pretty bad; first his mother abused him while he was in the womb by drinking. When he was a kid, he was beat with sticks and closed fists by his dad. By the age of 12 he was supporting his family financially with hard labor. This hurt, as he watched his peers learn and grow together he was hustling for money.
Even with all the pain of growing up this way, he sought the approval of his parents, and from a young age he did this through his work. He was known to do the work of 4 adult men. As he grew up, he got a great job in a stable environment earning 6 figures by his early 20s. Even with that great job, something drove him back and he ended up working with his parents in business again, dragging them from a small, two-man operation up to a sizable business with 10+ full time staff.
Eventually, his parents pissed away the business, and even then they blamed him for the missing money and finally paid him the ultimate insult by telling him they never wanted to see him again.
They gave him shit and abuse for his whole life, and to this day, he’s struggling to be free of them.
The Words I Couldn’t Forget
After learning his story over the course of months, he shared his extraordinary insight. He said that  being as low as he’d been, after being kicked in the teeth enough times, after having enough dirt rubbed in his face, that at that low point, “There’s nothing left to do but die.”
These words have been stuck in my head ever since, and I’ve been thinking them over and over. In the conversation we had that day we had both noticed that he had developed something very much like a powerful intuition — a kind of superpower.
He operates on gut feeling a lot of the time. He trusts or doesn’t trust people based on these feelings. More often than not his gut feeling is correct. We agreed that this trait is prevalent in other friends with similar family histories. But, I kept thinking about his words.
What I Think It Means
Being abused takes you to a place you never want to go. When alone in those moments, you can very well imagine the option of death. “There is nothing left to do but die,” is an expression of that desperation. Dying is almost logical when you feel so destroyed. But it can also make you take another path. Through perseverance and effort you can eventually choose to say, “Fuck it. I don’t care what’s expected of me. I’m creating my own path.”
The truth is that there is nothing left to do but die or be reborn.
The Path My Friend Chose
The reason I even know this friend is because he chose to be reborn many times. He chose to do things that most would consider impossible. He chose to grow, change, and be better than the sum of his life experience. He chose to make a generational change and not do as his circumstances suggest he should. He chose to inspire and support. It’s a remarkable decision, and I believe one that some of the greatest among us have made.
The Saddest Path
My maternal grandfather chose death, in fact, he chose literal death by suicide. The overwhelm and fear ruled him. Unlike my friend he could not escape.
I don’t fault him. He did the best he could at the time.
Other Kinds of Death
Suicide is the extreme example, but I believe countless others are dying every single day. For example:
1) People who stay in shitty jobs or businesses they despise. It’s like taking a small dose of death every day. How do you bounce back from the insult that 5 of every 7 days brings you? Easy. You drink, drug, or medicate yourself through. You dream of escape to get out of your horrible position.
Always waiting for the weekend or the next holiday but always wanting out. Staying in a job or business you detest with no exit plan means choosing a slow death.
2) People who stay in relationships they detest. Imagine the double whammy for the ones who also hate their job. Staying in a relationship you hate is choosing death.
3) People who treat performance as their alleviation to the pain they feel. Many people have the intense desire to perform, even at the cost of their loved ones, their friendships, and their health. Unfortunately, the emptiness of this beyond-natural desire to perform will never lead to fulfillment. It will always be a slow death.
Be Reborn
Please note: I don’t believe you have to experience the kind of pain my friend felt in order to be reborn. I think many, many, many people feel significant pain, and it comes from different places. The question is this: when will the pain be bad enough for you to be reborn? If you’ve already been there, you’ll know what the other side looks like. I commend you, and I appreciate you. If you’re going there, I support you, and I know you can do it.  Don’t choose to death, whether slow or fast.
Choose life. Choose your second birth.
Read Zander’s previous article on ManTalks, “The Five Key Steps to Editing Your Life Story.” Or listen to him talk about story on the ManTalks podcast.
Zander Robertson is editor-in-chief of the ManTalks blog and has ghostwritten more than 20 books for major publishing houses and self publishers. Zander believes that the world turns on powerful, raw, and true stories. Read Zander’s article to begin understanding and owning your story, and email him at [email protected] to pitch your article idea for ManTalks.
Like what you saw? Subscribe to the ManTalks podcast on iTunes or Stitcher, and join the private ManTalks Facebook Community for conversations that matter. Facebook not your thing? Sign up to the ManTalks newsletter. Every week we’ll send you an email with the best articles and interviews we published that week.

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Episode: 032

Mark not only runs a restaurant group, but he fuels it with a deep passion and purpose for social enterprise.

 
Introduction:
Mark Brand opened his first restaurant in 2007 and went on to restore Save On Meats, a butcher shop founded in 1957. Save On Meats is not like any other butcher shop or lunch counter, because Mark has created a sustainable business model that serves the community. Mark states that by creating a business that stands for something, not only does that help the community as a whole, but he has seen fewer turnovers from his staff because they also believe in the bigger picture.
 

Listen to it on iTunes

Listen to it on Stitcher
 

 
Key Takeaways:
[1:45] Thank you Vancity Buzz for sponsoring us!
[2:45] What was Mark’s defining moment?
[6:55] How did Mark get started in the hospitality industry?
[9:20] Mark had an addiction problem, but he decided that wasn’t going to be his story.
[10:10] Mark opened his restaurant in a bad neighborhood and everybody told him it was a bad idea.
[15:25] Mark talks about the reality show he was a part of.
[18:10] Save on Meats isn’t just a restaurant; it has a big social component too.
[21:45] What’s one piece of advice Mark can share with those who are looking to start a non-profit?
[25:40] Mark has created a model where people can see how their dollar impacts others.
[30:55] What are some of Mark’s core values?
[32:35] How does Mark define success?
[34:55] Mark shares a few statistics.
[36:45] Why should business owners care about the bottom line? Because it’s the right thing to do!
[38:40] Millennials are looking for purpose-based businesses.
[39:30] Where does Mark see himself in ten years?
[41:30] Mark talks about the kind of legacy he would like to leave behind.
Mentioned in This Episode:
http://www.vancitybuzz.com/
https://mantalks.com/
http://www.markbrandinc.com/
http://saveonmeats.ca/
Quotes:
If you’re going to build something with somebody, call them to share their genius and co-create it.
How can we create upper mobility and stability for people who are struggling?
Companies are having issues keeping millennials. That’s because millennials are looking for
purpose-based businesses.
Music Credit:
J Parlange & Latenite Automatic (jesusparlange.com – lateniteautomatic.com)
 

“Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including you.” — Anne Lamott

This is for the high-performers., the movers and shakers, the ones making an impact in the lives of others, their communities and the world.  

In other words — the ManTalks Tribe.

Don’t get me wrong, everyone needs to float. However, this post is specifically written for high-achievers like you and I that have a hard time switching off our overactive imaginations.

My name is Andy Zaremba. I’m a classic Type-A personality. I’m always striving to build and create. From running multiple businesses like The Float House, to podcasting, to speaking, to being a lover, father and spiritual seeker.

I always have multiple projects, and it’s a good thing. The average person lives somewhere in the middle of the bell curve, which is why most people are average.

Personally, the thought of living a mediocre life makes me cringe. The way I see it, we have one shot at this life.  One shot to make a difference, one shot share our gifts with others and one shot to give back to this amazing world we live in.

In the quest to make the world a better place, even the most self-aware and self-loving person can get caught up in the “doing” of life.

That’s why I believe it’s so important to have some sort of check-in (or maybe a check-out). Some way of unplugging from the hustle.  

Some like to get into nature. Others like to exercise. However, there’s no other form of disconnection from the rigors of life that rivals floating (also called sensory deprivation). 

Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you’ve probably heard of floating.

Vancouver, my home town, has quickly become the float capital of the world. My brother, Mike, and I are proud to have played a vital role in this growth.

We opened The Float House in 2013, making it Vancouver’s first Float Centre in over 20 years. Of course, many copycats have sprung up. Just like yoga, cold-pressed juice and taco shops, The Float House too has been copied. However, there are now five Float House locations in BC with more on the way.

…for the rock-dwellers of our community:  

What is a floating?

The water is heated to 93.5 F (the temperature of the surface of your skin), which makes the water skin receptor neutral and reduces tactile sensation. Because of the density created by the epsom salts solution, the effects of gravity on your body are minimized and you literally float as if you were in the Dead Sea.

The idea is to minimize the amount of sensory input being detected by our bodies.

Without sight, sound, tactile sensations and gravity, the float tank gives our bodies a much-needed and unique break from the constant stimulation we experience..

How Floating Minimizes the Effects of Stress

Bare with my while I get a little bit scientific…

We have two sides to our nervous system — the voluntary and the autonomic.

The voluntary system controls movements, like when your crushing a workout, playing basketball, or rolling on the jiu-jitsu mat. 

The autonomic system controls all the things you don’t want to think about like heart rate, breathing, organ functions, and sensory processing.  

The autonomic nervous system has two sides within it — the sympathetic and the parasympathetic nervous systems.

The sympathetic is responsible for the stress response, also known as, “Fight or Flight.”

[Editor’s Note: Click here to read all the nitty-gritty details about the Fight or Flight response on Wikipedia]

The parasympathetic system controls the relaxation response.  

It should be noted that the stress response is a normal biological process.  In the short term it is not only important, but it could save your life by giving you the needed burst of energy to survive a life threatening situation.

The problems start occurring once the stress becomes chronic, something our society seems designed for.

Effects of Chronic Stress:

Chronic stress is defined as a, “state of prolonged tension from internal or external stressors, which may cause various physical manifestations – e.g., asthma, back pain, arrhythmias, fatigue, headaches, HTN, irritable bowel syndrome, ulcers, and suppress the immune system.”

In other words, it sucks.

Chronic stress takes a more significant toll on the body than acute stress does. It can raise blood pressure, increase the risk of heart attack and stroke, increase vulnerability to anxiety and depression, contribute to infertility, and hasten the aging process.

Results of one study demonstrated that individuals who reported relationship conflict lasting one month or longer to have a greater risk of developing illness and show slower wound healing. 

Similarly, the effects that acute stressors have on the immune system may be increased when there is perceived stress and/or anxiety due to other events. For example, students who are taking exams show weaker immune responses if they also report stress due to daily hassles.  

The Question Is: How Does Floating Help Reduce Chronic Stress?

Floating reliably generates the relaxation response in the body

The relaxation response is the counterpart to the fight or flight response, and it occurs when the body is no longer in perceived danger. When this happens, autonomic nervous system functioning returns to normal.

During the relaxation response, the body moves out of a state of physiological arousal — increased heart rate and blood pressure, slowed digestive functioning, decreased blood flow to the extremities, increased release of hormones like adrenalin and cortisol.

These are all the hallmark of fight or flight.

You then move to a state of physiological relaxation, where blood pressure, heart rate, digestive functioning and hormonal levels return to their normal state. Doesn’t that sound healthy?

Triggering the relaxation response helps any Type-A personality deal with the greatest performance killer on the planet: burn out.

Burning out will not only stop your productivity in its tracks, but it can literally kill you.

If you’re aiming to perform at a high level consistently you must manage your stress.

In many urban environments there is little seclusion from the hustle and bustle of the everyday life. The Float Tank is simply the best tool to combat burn out, so we go back out into the world to move mountains.

At the Float House, we have a great relationship with Connor and ManTalks. Before writing this I had a conversation with Connor about how we could serve the ManTalks community.

We agreed to offer a 20% discount on a single float to anyone reading this.

To claim your discount go to our website, book a float, and use the promo code, “recovery” to receive a 20% discount on of a single float. 

The offer will only be available for the next two weeks, so please do it now if you’re interested.

Now go out and build your empire…peacefully.

Listen to Andy discuss floating, psychedelics, and the experience of having a daughter born prematurely on the ManTalks Podcast.

Andy Zaremba is co-founder (along with his brother Mike) of The Float House, one of the world’s leading floating and sensory deprivation companies. The Float House has 5 locations in the Lower Mainland of British Columbia, including their cornerstone location in Gastown, Vancouver.

Andy is also co-host of the hugely popular Vancouver Real Podcast, the Canadian West Coast affiliate of the world renowned London Real with Brian Rose.

Like what you saw? Subscribe to the ManTalks podcast on iTunes or Stitcher, and join our private Facebook Community for conversations that matter. Facebook not your thing? Sign up to the ManTalks newsletter. Every week we’ll send you an email with the best articles and interviews we published that week.

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Episode: 031

Your results are your credentials. Do not pay too much attention to the ‘certification’ paper.

 
Introduction:
Lewis Howes is a lifestyle entrepreneur, business coach, author, and podcaster. He is also a contributing writer for Entrepreneur magazine and Yahoo.com, and has been featured in Forbes, Men’s Health, and The New York Times. Lewis shares with us why he has such a passion for greatness and how being a pro athlete has made him not only a better entrepreneur, but a better person as well.
And Lewis will be joining us for a special event on April 9, live in Vancouver. Tickets are on sale now. GET TICKETS HERE
 

Listen to it on iTunes

Listen to it on Stitcher
 

 
[1:30] ManTalks is hosting an event on April 9th, 2016. And Lewis will be there!!
[2:25] What was Lewis’s defining moment?
[3:25] How did Lewis take his power back?
[4:50] Ask your friends where your blind spots are.
[6:40] The greatest leaders in the world learn how to connect in intimate and vulnerable ways.
[8:25] Where did Lewis’s passion for greatness come from?
[13:05] Lewis talks about the ‘seasons’ in his life.
[15:10] What lessons did Lewis learn when he was a pro athlete?
[17:45] What does a champion’s mindset look like?
[19:30] Your results are your credentials.
[19:50] Belief carries you to the championships.
[21:55] What does hustle mean to Lewis?
[28:20] What does Lewis plan to talk about at the ManTalks event? He gives us a teaser.
[29:55] Lewis talks about what he’s excited about these days.
[30:25] You get a free copy of Lewis’s book if you join the ManTalks event.
 

 
Music Credit:
J Parlange & Latenite Automatic (jesusparlange.com – lateniteautomatic.com)
 

Episode: 030

Men in the Western world are often walking alone and do not receive the real support they need.

Introduction:
Stephen Mansfield is a bestselling author and a leadership coach. Stephen has written a number of books including The Faith of George W. Bush, Killing Jesus, and Mansfield’s Book Of Manly Men; which has inspired men’s events worldwide. He is currently working on a new book to help accompany Mansfield’s Book Of Manly Men titled Building Your Band of Brothers, and sheds some light on how men can build better relationships with other men.

Listen to it on iTunes

Listen to it on Stitcher
 
Key Takeaways:
[1:40] Thank you Vancity Buzz for being a sponsor!
[2:15] What was a defining moment for Stephen.
[5:10] What is manhood?
[7:15] What kind of values should a man look for?
[7:55] Take responsibility for your actions.
[9:25] Men in the Western world are mostly walking alone.
[12:20] How can men become more vulnerable amongst each other?
[14:55] Stephen shares a story on how his band of brothers has helped him.
[18:15] How can you build accountability and responsibility within a group?
[23:15] What kind of guys should you surround yourself with?
[26:40] Should you have boundaries with your band of brothers?
[29:10] What other virtues are important aside from responsibility?
[32:15] Stephen talks about his mentors and key influences in his life.
[34:45] Stephen tells us about his new book, Building Your Band of Brothers.
[35:45] Military men often do not have a support system due to their constant traveling.
[39:05] What kind of challenges or pitfalls do men face?
[42:45] What kind of legacy would Stephen like to leave behind?
 

 
Music Credit:
J Parlange & Latenite Automatic (jesusparlange.com – lateniteautomatic.com)
 

Tweetables:
“If you do not initiate the boys, they will burn the village down.”
“Statistics show that men in the Western world are walking alone.”
“To be a great man, you have to overcome.”

So You Figured Out That Life is Meaningless and Shallow? Here’s What to Do…

An uncomfortable truth: one hundred and fifty years from now there will not be a single living person who ever knew you. In fact, unless something weird happens, you wont even exist as a pixel in someone’s memory, let alone as a conscious influence in their life or their world.
Think about it for a moment: What were the full names of your great grand parents? What did they look like? How did they move around the room? What were their personalities like?
What about your great-great grand parents?
The reality that we all have to swallow is that it only takes the a few generations before we’re forgotten.
Of course, there’s an off chance that you’re one of the truly rare people who will be remembered. Maybe you’ll create a piece of transcendent art like Leondaro DaVinci, or you start a war like Osama Bin Laden, or become the first person to step foot on Mars.
But pause for a moment. Even if you are remembered, do you think people will remember you?
Probably not. We tend to remember influential people as concepts, not humans. Plato, Jesus, Hitler, Buddha – they are held in the collective memory as demi-Gods, not the mortals they really were. We don’t think of Buddha taking a deuce, or Hitler being charmed by a puppy, even though these things assuredly happened. We forget about the humanity of the people who shaped our world.
Even if you are one of the few who will be remembered as who you truly were that doesn’t excuse you from the reality that as humans, we spend our lives running in circles, distracting ourselves from our nature, struggling with the same problems year after year, only to finally replace them with new ones.
(By the way, I promise I’m going somewhere with all of this…).

The Trap: Replacing One Illusion With Another

Many of the men that I’ve worked with have succeeded at an extremely high level, only to find that success is a false God. This, for many men, is their first step towards waking up.
Searching for something meaningful, they start meditating, or spending time with their kids, or volunteering on the weekends, or getting in the habit of giving compliments and expressing gratitude.
And these practices have a magic quality to them: they create the sensation of meaning. They lull the individual back to sleep and create a more compelling illusion to suspend themselves in.
Many men become content with these practices. The practices allow them to sleep at night and to feel happy. They give the individual new, harder mountains to scale.
And the truth is, few men will ever go beyond this deeper, more sophisticated illusion.
And that’s fine. If you’ve gotten this far, you’ve created a life worth living and are likely a force for good. Truly, we can’t ask for much more.
But what if you’re the exceptional man who transcends even this layer of illusion and sees the truth: even the practices that feel deep, don’t actually resolve the fundamental tension of being human? Though we feel like we are Gods, we are really nothing more than animals.
If you’ve gotten this far, it’s time for you to step onto your path. This one you need to blaze on your own. If you followed someone else’s, you’d just be setting yourself up for more distraction, more illusions, more traps, more bullshit. (And there is a quiet part of you that already knew this anyways).

So, what should you do once you’ve uncovered the new illusion of meaninglessness and shallowness?

1) Return to Nature. Observe Her. Let Her Guide You.

Go into the woods. Or the mountains. Or the sea. And go alone.
Observe how Mother Nature and her creatures spend their time. They rest. They find food. They play. They fuck. From time to time they are violent (but not without need, and rarely for very long).
You’ll notice that everything in nature spends much more time at rest than you do.
You’ll notice that nothing in nature wakes up to an alarm clock, spends their day working for a dick headed boss, comes home and fights with their partner, and then uses a glowing rectangle to lull them into a trance and avoid their primal pain. Only humans have created such compelling traps.
You’ll notice that everything in nature behaves intuitively. If you ask the fox, “Why did you just leave your den?” The fox wouldn’t even understand the question. The fox simply felt compelled by some force it didn’t need to understand, and started moving.
You’ll notice that occasionally some creatures, like the crow will use rudimentary reason to steal a shiny object from your bag. But don’t let that obscure the reality that the crow, like all other creatures, lives from the heart.
When the crow flies through the air, riding on invisible currents, she’s not using her rational, thinking mind. She’s suspending herself in what is.
You begin your new path by observing the nature that you exist within, so that you may find the nature that exists within you.

2) Shift From Your Head to Your Heart

Life’s intrinsic meaningless and shallow nature is an illusion created by the mind. You’ve used human logic to reduce everything down to that which is observable.
Your heart doesn’t do this. Your heart feels. Your heart trusts itself. The lion does not think to himself, “Now is the moment I must pounce.” The lion feels the shift in the air and pounces without hesitation.
Shifting from your head to your heart is difficult. Unless you were unschooled, many of the most formative years of your life were dedicated to training you to ignore your heart and pay attention to your head.
Unless you are an artist or a mystic of some sort, you were rewarded for suppressing your emotion and letting your rational mind flourish.
And there’s nothing wrong with rational thinking. It’s given us amazing gifts (personally, I love airplanes, penicillin, flush toilets, and air conditioning). Just realize that it’s rational thinking that got you into this mess in the first place. It won’t get you out.
Your job is to begin tearing down the walls that protect your heart. Doing this will likely require a coach or a mentor or a teacher.
And the walls around your heart: they aren’t your fault. They are a natural response to a world that doesn’t value a heart as much as it values a head.

3) Use the Twin Tools Silence & Honesty to Access Your Deep Gift

There is no escaping the suffering that is intrinsic to the human experience. Even if you are born to perfect parents, meet your soul mate, live during a peace times in a wealthy culture, your parents will still die one day. And your soul mate. And your friends. And your dog. And it will fucking hurt. In fact, if you live long enough, everything you’ve ever loved will die.
There is no escaping suffering and pain. Most people end up surrounding themselves with little white lies to protect themselves from reality.
The lies appear harmless. You claim you make six-figures, when in reality, you make $82,000. You claim you’re deeply in love with your partner when really, you’re just very, very fond of her. You tell yourself you’re happy, when actually, you’ve been consumed by apathy and ennui for longer than you care to admit.
While the lies may briefly distract your rational mind from itself, and they may seem to make any individual moment easier than it would be otherwise, what the lies are really doing is distracting you from yourself. From your nature.
Your work: sit in silence. You can do this as a daily thing, or go on a retreat, or both. Shine a bright white light on yourself and cast away all the little lies you’ve been using to protect yourself from the crippling pain of human existence.
This won’t be easy and it wont be quick, but it will be worth it. As you cast away the white lies and feel the intrinsic pain of the human experience, you’ll notice that resting beneath is a steady sense of calm and a quiet sense of joy. This is what Camus was talking about when he said, “In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer.”
And that invincible summer? It’s accessible to everyone. It just requires dwelling in reality, something that humans struggle with.
As you step more fully into reality, you’ll begin to uncover traces of deep gifts that are unique to you. Perhaps you feel drawn towards working with the less fortunate. Don’t ignore that. Perhaps you come fully alive when you are playing the piano. Don’t ignore that. Perhaps you feel meaning when you are mentoring your neighbor’s child. Don’t ignore that. These are clues leading you down your path.
The gifts are the tools you must harness on your path forward. They were given to you for a reason. I don’t know what that reason is, and there is a chance that even you will never know why you were given them. But the quiet truth remains: you have them, they are important, and you are meant to use them.

4) Begin Shaping Your Life Around Your Deep Gifts

As you discover your deep gifts your next step is to bring them into your life and share them. Better yet, harness them in the service of everyone else in the world.
When you find the courage to do this, you will notice that the world gives you priority access to everything that your heart truly desires.
I don’t know how this works, nor do I need to. I just know it does. And the quiet truth is that you know this too (even if your head is still dead set on resisting).

5) Relax Into the True Nature of the Human Experience

As you relax into giving your deep gift, you’ll notice something strange about the reality that once seemed shallow and meaningless. You’ll notice that this too, was yet another illusion, another false path meant to distract you from who you truly are.
You’ll notice that only just now, has life begun.

Jason Connell is a speaker and writer who teaches confidence, self-love, and self-compassion. He’s worked with everyone from Senior members of the Obama administration and professional athletes to middle school students and emerging entrepreneurs. He shares his thoughts on life, authenticity, and power at: JasonConnell.co.

 
 
Like what you saw? Subscribe to the ManTalks podcast on iTunes or Stitcher, and join the private ManTalks Facebook Community for conversations that matter. Facebook not your thing? Sign up to the ManTalks newsletter. Every week we’ll send you an email with the best articles and interviews we published that week.
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