Talking points: attachment, relationships
The way you connect with others really can change for the better, and it’s important to know when you’re headed in the right direction. If you or your partner has an avoidant attachment style—aka shutdown in conflict, emotional distancing, etc.—this one’s for you. Listen in.
Not sure what avoidant attachment is? Check out A Man’s Guide To Avoidant Attachment: https://lnk.to/3anA6L
(00:00:00) – Intro and what you need to understand first
(00:02:25) – Sign number one: more emotional availability
(00:04:41) – Number two: Better conflict navigation
(00:07:01) – Number three: you aren’t debating ending the relationship at the first sign of trouble
(00:08:01) – Number four: a deeper sense of trust
(00:10:08) – Number five: their needs are more clear, AND they’re moving to meet your needs more often
Transcript
All right, team, how do you know that you’re in a healthy relationship with an avoidant person? Or if you are the avoidant person, how do you know that things are moving in the right direction? We all need some progress points. We all need to know and be able to identify when things are moving towards a more secure-oriented relationship. This video is going to lay out some very specific points and land markers along the way that you can look for with you and your avoidant partner or as the avoidant partner in the relationship.
These are the signs. Before we dive in, don’t forget to subscribe to the channel if you are not already because, as I noticed, about 70% of you tune into these videos but are not subscribed on Spotify or YouTube. So do not forget to do so. We have all the videos on both Spotify and YouTube. So check it out.
All right, let’s dive straight in. The first thing that you need to know and just be reminded of is that the avoidant person, the avoidant partner is really over indexing on self-reliance and under indexing on relational trust, safety, and reliance.
So the avoidant person kind of says internally that the framework, the dialogue that’s happening inside is it’s safer to trust me and rely on me than it is to trust you or the relationship. And so that causes the avoidant to pull away, shut down, close down, not really sort of trust, not open up, not express sometimes.
If you’re with an avoidant person, you might feel like you don’t really know where they stand a lot of the times or how they’re feeling about certain things or what they even want and need. That can all be kind of confusing because the avoidant has been trained through their family of origin, through their upbringing to heavily rely on themselves.
And the notion that their partner can be trustworthy, can be safe, a place to talk about what’s going on inside of them, what they want, what they dream about, what they desire is a big threat.
So there’s a couple of things that are very important that are signs that you and the relationship with the avoidant are moving in the right direction or if you are the avoidant that things are progressing with the other person.
So one of the main signs of progress is that there is increased emotional availability. Now what this can mean is that the avoidant is starting to express their needs, their wants, they’re able to open up a little bit more around how they want things to look in their relationship or what they’re disappointed about or they’re able to express what they love a little bit more.
Maybe not so much about what they’re disappointed about. Sometimes avoidance are very capable in this department. They’re very willing and able to say what’s not working, but they are less willing and able to say what’s working really well, what they love, what they enjoy.
So you’ll have an increase in emotional availability from the avoidance. You might hear them say things like, or if you are the avoidant, you might be hearing yourself say things like, I feel really connected to you or I feel very close to you or I really enjoyed that date night the other night or I’d really love to go and do this on our next date night. Those types of things are opening the expression within the avoidant person.
Now remember, the avoidant person has learned to suppress or hide what has gone on inside of them. They don’t trust being and maintaining relationship in a consistent manner over time and they don’t oftentimes, whether it’s conscious or not, they don’t trust fully that they can bring forward what they want, what they need, what they like, what they enjoy into the relationship and that it will be met positively by the other person.
A lot of avoidants were raised in a household or in an environment where their needs, their wants, and specifically their emotions were shut down. They were made fun of for them. They were punished for them, so they’ve learned to sequester those things away to hide them from the relationship.
So an increase in communicating what they’re feeling, an increase in communicating what they want, what they need, what they enjoy in the relationship, what they’re really liking or wanting in the relationship.
All of that is a very positive sign that things are moving in the right direction. The next thing that is a sign that things are moving more towards secure attachment is that the avoidant is getting a little bit better at navigating conflict and challenges. They have a little bit more patience.
They have a little bit more understanding. They are seeking to be more curious about what you’re going through. They’re more willing to actually engage in some type of disagreement or conflict, whereas maybe normally they would pull away, they shut down, they’d say, I’m not talking about this or they’d get hyper defensive and then shut down.
Whatever that mode is, you notice a shift in their ability to stay in the disagreement, to stay in the conflict, to be curious about what you’re experiencing, to express what’s actually happening inside of them. All of those things, and it doesn’t have to be all of them, maybe they’re just doing one or two of those things, but all of those things are going to be a positive sign that they’re willing to stay when things get hard. And again, this is one of the foundational building blocks of a healthy, secure relationship.
And just attachment in general. This is my good friend Dewey Freeman. I’ll say it again. He says part of healthy, secure attachment is going through a hard time together in relationship and coming out the other side okay.
So the avoidant early on in life learned there’s no going through hardship, there’s no going through challenges and coming out the other side okay. So I’m not going to bother, I’m not going to engage in conflict, I’m not going to engage in disagreement or challenges, I’m not even going to bring it up.
So if you’re an avoidant partner or if you’re with one and they’re starting to bring up challenges, they’re starting to engage in staying in the conflict or the disagreement, they’re able to say what they don’t like. They’re able to be patient a little bit more with the conflict happening in the relationship.
All of those things are a positive and healthy sign because what they’re saying is I can go through a hard time, a challenge, a conflict, a disagreement with you and we can come out the other side okay.
We can actually find either a resolution or even if there is no resolution, I can still be all right, we can still be all right. I don’t have to pull away. I don’t have to question the relationship.
This is a big one for you avoidance. If you are the avoidant partner, a really healthy sign that progress is being made in the relationship is that you aren’t questioning the end of the relationship at any sign of conflict. It’s very common that avoidance move towards relationship ending, thought patterns, belief structures, fantasizing even sometimes of like conflict happens, maybe it’s a reoccurring argument and the avoidant goes to like I don’t want to deal with this and maybe it’d be easier if the relationship just ended.
Maybe it’d be easier if I wasn’t with them and that can create all kinds of narratives and stories and fantasies. So a really good sign is you’re not engaging in that crap anymore and you are able to even if there isn’t a resolution to the conflict or the argument, you’re able to be okay and you’re able to repair with your partner emotionally and physically and stay connected to them. All very, very, very good signs.
The next big sign that is very important with the relationship is a deeper sense of trust is emerging between you and the avoidant part. So there’s consistency happening. They are consistently expressing their needs, expressing their wants.
They are relying on you as their partner for communication, connection, having fun, being able to express when they’re having a hard time at work or with family. There is just a level of trust that is being built between you and that person. So there’s open and honest communication and that is happening consistently and you can feel that trust is starting to build.
And for the avoidant, this will maybe feel a little bit new and surprising to you, right? It can feel like, oh, I’m starting to really build some trust with this person. I actually feel like I can talk about this thing with them. I can say what I want. I can express what I need and that feels pretty good. So and a big sign of this is that there’s a seeking of support and connection. There’s a seeking of support and connection.
So the avoidant person is actually starting to lean in to repairing after an argument. Maybe that just is them instead of stonewalling and shutting down for days on end or for hours and hours on end and not talking to you, but they’re actually leaning in and they’re saying, hey, I know we got into a little bit of an argument, but I want to stay connected to you and I’m sorry that that happened, right? They’re leading the repair process. They’re initiating some repair process.
All of that is a really good sign, or they’re just making bids of connection. They’re coming home and checking in with you and saying like, how are you doing? And how was your day? And there’s an interest in you and the relationship and an openness for them to be known that wasn’t there before. So all of those things are a really big sign that things are moving in the right direction.
The last piece is about needs. The last really beautiful sign that things are moving in the right direction with an avoidant partner, whether you’re with them or you are them, is that needs, both yours and theirs, are more clear and being prioritized.
So the avoidant person is leaning in, right? You might have said, hey, I want to spend more quality time with you or I’d love more physical touch from you or I’d love for you to just check in with me once a day and kind of see how I’m doing. And the avoidant partner is leaning into that. They’re making a concerted effort to prioritize you and your needs and they’re able to express what they need and want. Because again, avoidant partners, very common that their needs and their wants are hidden in the relationship.
It’s not super clear what it is that they actually want because for them that feels like a threat, right? It’s like, well, if you know what I want, you might disappoint me. You might let me down. You might punish me.
You might abandon me because of my needs and my wants. So a really, really healthy sign, really good sign in a relationship where there’s an avoidant is that needs, both yours and theirs, are starting to get prioritized. They’re very clear. They’re front and center and they’re being met.
So comment below. Let me know which one stands out to you, which one has been a sign in your relationship. And don’t forget to man it forward. Share this video with somebody that you know needs to hear it and might enjoy it. Till next week, Connor Beaton, signing off.
