Archives for May 2016

How to Successfully Navigate Through Life Transitions With Jason Connell

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Episode: 045

Discover how you can make the transition process easier on yourself in today’s episode.

Introduction:
Jason Connell is a speaker, former magician, and a writer on personal development. Jason discusses with Roger and Connor on today’s show about successfully moving through life transitions and accepting the new challenges that come from taking action. Jason also talks on the subject of manhood and some of the key things our everyday modern man struggles with in a society littered with social media.

 

 

ManTalks Podcast on iTunes

Listen to it on iTunes

Mantalks Stitcher podcast

Listen to it on Stitcher

 

 

Key Takeaways:
[1:35] What was Jason’s defining moment as a man?
[4:00] It’s hard to follow/discover a path you were meant to follow. Many people wake up to a 9-5 job they hate.
[5:40] Millennials are feeling much more disconnected with others.
[7:40] Jason talks about his career as a magician.
[9:25] You don’t have to follow the same path for the rest of your life.
[10:40] Men suffer from the ‘lack of money’ barrier.
[12:15] Jason is slowly winding down on his 8-year company, Ignited Leadership.
[15:20] We’re prone to stick with what we know – even if it makes us unhappy.
[17:20] Your own brain is often not enough. You need to take action.
[20:00] Transition is hard. So give yourself some slack.
[21:25] What does a strong support system look like to Jason?
[23:00] One piece of advice to modern men? Stop being so strong and break down.
[25:15] What kind of things do Millennials struggle with?
[28:35] Keep in mind you can fail and it’s no big deal.
[31:00] Want to change but not sure how? Get a coach or a psychologist.
[35:00] When you’re more authentic with yourself, you become more attractive to women.
[37:25] Sex, money, or status does not validate your manhood.
[38:30] What kind of legacy would Jason like to leave behind?

Mentioned in This Episode:
www.mantalks.com/
www.ignitedleadership.com
www.jasonconnell.co/
The Power of Myth by Joseph Campbell

Music Credit:
Parlange & Latenite Automatic (jesusparlange.comlateniteautomatic.com)

Tweetables:

“If you can’t feel a connection with yourself, there’s no way you can feel your connection to other people.”

“We tend to hold ourselves hostage to outmoded versions of who we truly are.”

“What you’re meant to be doing evolves and changes over time.”

 

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4 Honest As Fuck Questions You Need To Ask Yourself Often

Every day in my journal for the past few months I have been answering a series of questions that forces me to get uncomfortably honest with myself.

Between the completion of a significant romantic relationship, losing a close friend unexpectedly, and many other life changes, I have been having a challenging year, but these four questions have become my north star. They have helped to guide me even on my darkest days. These questions are like the super-loving, no-bullshit friend who is willing to tell you like it is, day after day.

I highly recommend giving them a shot.

Here they are.

1. What the fuck do I want?

2. What bullshit am I putting up with that I need to cut out of my life?

3. What the fuck do I know that I need to do?

4. How can I honour myself more fully starting right now?

Let’s break these down slightly, and dig into why each of them is so powerful.

What the fuck do I want?

This is the seed. Every situation in our lives ultimately comes back to this.

What the fuck do you want? Honestly. Let go of all of the societal/parental/cultural expectations for one minute and admit to yourself what you truly want.

Do you want to change careers? Do you want to have children? Do you want to end your relationship? Do you want to start expecting more of yourself and feel more in alignment with your personal integrity, whatever that means to you? Do you want to live with your friends in the forest? Do you want to be polyamorous? Do you want to be a stay at home mom/dad? Do you want to get in the best shape of your life?

Admit it to yourself. Allow this question to drag it out of you.

And you can’t cop out and just write “What do I want?” because that isn’t the question. There’s more immediacy and force behind “What the fuck do I want?” You can’t hide from it. The question knows all of your deepest, darkest secrets… and it won’t settle until it has revealed them all.

You already know what you want. Your mental treasure is already sitting in the corner of your attic. This question is the high-powered flashlight that illuminates the truth of your desires.

What bullshit am I putting up with that I need to cut out of my life?

No is a powerful word.

In an instant, the word no can change the course of your entire life.

As in, “No, I don’t want to be a lawyer after all.”

Or, “No, you can’t hit me ever again. I’m leaving you for good.”

Or, “No, I’m not okay with wheezing for air every time I climb that stair case. It’s time to make a shift in my lifestyle.”

What bullshit are you putting up with that you know that you need to cut out of your life?

You’re allowed to say no to it. No matter what it is. I know people who have successfully cut ties from their toxic/abusive family members because it was necessary for them to live their lives. I know people who have changed career paths after the age of 60 and had an amazing time doing it. So stop putting so much energy towards selling yourself on false stories. It’s all possible.

You’re allowed to cut out anything that feels like it needs to be cut out. You have full permission. And you deserve the peace of mind that lives on the other side of your “No.”

What the fuck do I know that I need to do?

Similar to the last question, but in a more proactive framing.

If you know what you want and you know what you need to say no to, it’s time to start deciding on what you’re going to say yes to.

Yes, I’m going to pursue my dream job.

Yes, I’m going to ask them to marry me.

Yes, I’m going to pick up that new hobby that I’ve been fantasizing about doing for years.

You know that you need to do it… so go forth and conquer.

How can I honour myself more fully starting right now?

All of the aforementioned questions are ultimately about honouring yourself. But just in case you need it to be pulled out of you in a different way… how can you start honouring yourself more fully starting today?

This question brings immediacy to the table.

What can you do starting RIGHT… NOW to honour yourself more? If only 5% more. Start small, but start.

Give them a shot. See what falls out on the page/screen. It might just change the direction of your life for the better.

This article originally appeared on www.jordangrayconsulting.com

Read More By Jordan Gray on the ManTalks Blog

I Believe in Loving Like You Give a Shit

7 Things All Men Need In a Relationship

6 Ways To Save Your Struggling Relationship

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JordanGray

Jordan Gray is a sex and relationship coach, an author, and a blogger. He helps people around the world have the most deeply fulfilling love lives possible.

Jordan is a past speaker on the ManTalks stage and fellow resident of beautiful Vancouver.

He writes regularly at his website.

Sign up to the ManTalks newsletter and every week we’ll send you an email with the week’s top articles and interviews.

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Do You Work Like Billionaires and Visionaries or an Industrial Era Factory Worker?

You’re wasting your life.
Yes you. The person reading this. I can’t be 100% sure of this, but statistically speaking you don’ t have much of a chance.
But I don’t mean that in a “people today are lazy and addicted to their phones” kind of way. Sure that might be true also, but I’m talking about work. Most of us are wasting our life through our work.
I bet your parents taught you to “work hard,” didn’t they? Every parent does. But few teach their kids the real meaning of work. There are different ways to work hard, but in the absence of nuance most of us only learn one — maybe two — types of work.
It’s the third kind most of us don’t practice. And we’re wasting our working life as a result. I’m going to explain the three types of work and show you how to do the third type effectively.
Let’s take a look at the three types of work.
Labor
Labor is any task that you need to do just to keep your job. If you’ve ever seen the movie Office Space think “TPS Reports.” If you haven’t seen the movie, please allow me to explain: The main character, Peter, is stuck in a typical dead end job where he endures the endless cycle: Commute. Busy work. Lunch. Busy work. Commute. TV. Bed. Repeat.
His overbearing boss heaps meaningless tasks upon him like filing TPS reports — the meaning of which is never explained during the film. But it doesn’t matter because we all know what TPS reports are — some task that the higher ups have invented to create a paper trail but don’t serve any useful function to the job at hand.
We’ve all been forced to do busy work. Everyone hates it because it ends up taking up all of our creative time and we never get real work done.
But in many work environments this type of labor is necessary just to keep our job. Fail to deliver what the boss wants and you’re done. And the boss wants TPS reports.
Not all labor is like that, though. Labor can be tedious but necessary, too. Labor is the day-to-day grind of chores and other rote tasks. If you grew up on a farm like me you’ll know that life is full of labor.
TPS reports suck, but most labor isn’t a bad thing — it’s just a repetitive thing. We all must do labor of some sort. Brushing our teeth is a type of labor.
We have food on our table because people do labor every day. Every product we consume is made on the back of someone’s labor.
Labor isn’t a bad thing, but we don’t need to elevate labor to be some noble pursuit, either. Labor simply is what it is.
If labor was our only capacity we’d still be digging holes in the ground with sticks. Labor doesn’t invent anything new or create anything. However, it is necessary to execute creative tasks.
To stop wasting our lives we need to do less labor and more of the other types of work.
Hustle
Entrepreneurs specialize in hustle. Hustle is like labor in the way that it can be learned quickly. You can start hustling now and be good at it by tomorrow. Chances are, hustle won’t test your skill, but it will test your courage, consistency, and strength.
Hustle is about making shit happen, which means pitching your product or idea, approaching people, and grinding for growth. It means getting in front of people and creating momentum.
I respect hustle. We all need to hustle in some way. Authors need to hustle to promote their work. Painters need to hustle to get their paintings in galleries. Entrepreneurs hustle all day every day.
Good things don’t happen passively. We need to hustle to make them happen.
I’m not saying you have to be like the king of hustle, Gary Vaynerchuk. We can hustle at our own pace. Gary Vee’s pace is super human, and I’m not sure if he sleeps. But everyone must deploy some level of hustle to succeed.
As we’re going to discover in a moment, there is another type of work that — when added to hustle — brings even better results.
Hustle is great. Everyone should hustle if they have big dreams. But hustle and labor alone will still result in a wasted life.
Money chasers hustle and labor, yet they waste their lives. I’ve lost count of how many millionaires I know that hustle and labor hard, earn huge fucking piles of money, yet despise their own life.
They’re wasting theirs. Because they don’t know the meaning of the third type of work..
Deep Work
Author Cal Newport would call both labor and hustle, “shallow work.” More on him below. Shallow work is necessary but we won’t stop wasting our lives until we develop a consistent “deep work” habit.
Henry Ford famously said, “Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably the reason why so few engage in it.” I heard this quote years ago and didn’t know what it meant until I began my own intentional deep work practice.
True achievement requires creation — and creation requires thinking and other types of deep work.
Charlie Munger said his partner Warren Buffett only “works” 20% of the time. He spends the other 80% reading and thinking. Of course, Buffett is working with that other 80% of the time. Reading and thinking are the most important type of work — deep work.
In Ashlee Vance’s recent biography of Elon Musk, we learn about one of Musk’s quirks. He was known to mentally ‘check out’. He could sit in a room full of people without noticing. It appeared bizarre to others, but he was deep in thought, focusing his attention on finding a solution to a single problem.
Brian Scudamore — founder of $250M franchise 1-800-GOT-JUNK — recently wrote about his habit of spending one day per week doing nothing but thinking.
I could go on.
Elite entrepreneurs and intellectuals spend huge amounts of their time doing — what from the outside appears to be — nothing.
But pure thinking isn’t the only type of deep work. Cal Newport defines deep work as “cognitively demanding tasks.” Replying to emails isn’t cognitively demanding. Neither is posting on Facebook or attending a meeting. And TPS reports certainly don’t qualify. Neither does making 10 sales calls per day.
A few deep work tasks:
thinking about solutions to a difficult problem
outlining a book
writing an article
researching
solving a math problem
writing code
reading difficult tasks
Those are just to name a few. In his book, Newport delves into the brain science behind deep work, shallow work, and distraction. The answer is unequivocal: We must work deeply to find solutions to difficult problems.
We can’t solve problems with shallow work only.
Here’s my own definition of deep work: “creative work that moves you beyond day-to-day survival.” Most jobs, professions, or careers have a series of daily tasks we need to do in order to just survive. We can get really good at those tasks to the point where we don’t even need to think.
Every morning we wake up and live the same day over and over again — nothing new is created. Money is made, life goes on, and we shut down to the magic of work.
My client mastered sales years ago and built successful businesses around this skill. If his work ever was creative it had became rote years ago. He had money and “success,” but his work no longer fulfilled him.
He wanted to start writing and creating but didn’t understand deep work. This is the biggest roadblock clients have when they first approach me. The world doesn’t prize or understand deep work. Labor and hustle are lauded but deep work is just misunderstood.
My client had a background in art, so intuitively deep work made sense. But it was many years since he made art. He had to relearn the habit of deep work — especially as it related to writing. Every type of creation has its own type of deep work.
When he tapped back into his infinite well of creation he said the most remarkable thing: “I have a whole new definition of work.”
Bingo. He nailed it. After years of working hard but shallow he had created a living but not a life.
As soon as he began working deeply he immediately found his deep well of inner creativity.
Domain Specific Deep Work
The first step of deep work is understanding its importance. Next, we must do the deep work specific to our domain.
When Warren Buffett reads an annual report, he’s not reading the same report you and I are reading. He’s done so much deep work at deconstructing and understanding reports and financial statements that he sees more nuance and depth.
He’s done the deep work of learning, then the deep work of deconstructing, and then the deep work of applying his past experience to the problems before him.
What do you see when you do deep work? Would you like to see some domain with half the acumen that Warren Buffett sees a financial report one day? I know I would.
Having a deep work practice is one of the secrets to a successful and happy life. Warren Buffett said, “I tap dance on my way to work.” He’s happy because his work is creative and fulfilling. Sounds funny to say about the second wealthiest man in the world, but it’s not about the money. Fulfillment in work and life has many components — one of the key ones is doing meaningful work.
And that requires deep work.
The Only Resource You Need
Cal Newport wrote a book called Deep Work that has altered the way I think and act. Newport’s premises are simple: a) deep work is lacking in our world, and b) deep work is needed more now than ever.
This situation has created a high demand, low supply situation for deep workers.
Yes, doing deep work is literally the most important thing you can do for your career right now.
Those doing deep work are the ones that will create everything of value in the coming years. They will dominate all of the best jobs and will build the greatest companies. Deep workers will invent all the great inventions and write all the best academic papers.
At the same time it’s harder than ever to do deep work. Our minds need deep work for us to feel fulfilled in our vocation — yet we default to the unfulfilling distractions of daily life.
At this exact moment when we need to do it the most, we’re least likely to do deep work.
Confession: Every morning I walk across my lawn to sit in a trailer that’s purposely placed far enough away from my house so that I can’t connect to the Internet. I find it truly difficult to avoid the Internet if it’s within range.
My internal defenses against distraction have been withered away by a decade of extreme Internet usage. So I take the drastic step of removing myself from the temptation.
If you can’t read Deep Work right now, then please listen to Cal Newport on the ManTalks Podcast.
But you don’t even need to wait that long to start implementing deep work into your life. You can get doing deep work right now by following a few simple rules.
Rules for Deep Work
It seems so simple on the surface to do deep work — but you’ll find your old, insidious habits difficult to break. You’ll find the shallow work tasks of labor and hustle will encroach on your deep work time. You’ll find email and social media to be constant distractions. Our world is not optimized for deep work.
This explains why so few people are consistent creators — let alone consistent elite creators. Deep work takes long, uninterrupted blocks of time. Few of us set aside minutes, let alone hours of time to do deep work.
But by following a few simple rules you can get up and running.
Rule #1 — Shut it Off
I will check email, Facebook, today’s website numbers, and sports stats in a constant loop of pointless distraction all day unless I create a clear boundary between myself and the Internet.
I don’t pretend to understand it. I want to create. I want to learn difficult things. I want to research, study, and think about difficult problems. Yet, if the Internet is even accessible I will find myself unthinkingly wandering towards it automatically.
Steven Pressfield calls this ‘resistance.’ For some reason we find the thing we love most to be the easiest thing to be distracted from. We may love it the most, but anything worth doing is mentally taxing, and the brain doesn’t want to work unless it has to. That’s why we need to create artificial boundaries and forcing functions between us and the distractions.
Experiment with what works for you. For me the best thing — hands down — is to be out sitting in my trailer, about 50 yards from the house, where I know the Internet won’t reach me. I don’t bring my phone out to the trailer with me. There is no way for me to connect to the Internet without going back into the house, which would mean carrying my computer or grabbing my phone.
I make the trip several times per day. I need the Internet to work, after all, but mostly only for shallow work tasks. Deep work is offline work.
Find out what works best for you. It might be enough to simply ignore the phone, email, social media, and other distractions for a while. For me this isn’t enough, but it may be for you.
Experiment and stick to what works, but whatever you do shut off the Internet.
Rule #2 — Set a Time Limit
Deep work is mentally taxing work. Cal Newport cites the studies that prove 4 hours of deep work per day is optimal for most people. The tendency is to want to go beyond that, but very few people can effectively do deep work for longer than 4 hours in one day. I get started on my deep work anywhere between 5am on an early day and 7am on a late day. This gives me plenty of time [with breaks] to finish my 4 hours of deep work before lunch and then spend the afternoon doing shallow work like taking phone calls, sending emails, and various website tasks like posting blog articles and managing my email system.
Don’t overdo it. Just be consistent in your deep work and before you know it you will become a prolific creator. Most people struggle to write one article, create one video, design one web page, outline one chapter of a book, make one drawing, or plan one live experience.
Deep workers — even those only doing an hour a day — soon find themselves pumping out important work regularly. So don’t worry too much [at first] about doing too much. Just get consistent with it and see where the daily drip of work takes you.
Rule #3 — Practice Different Types of Deep Work
There are many different activities you can do in deep work. The tendency is to think of it as simply working in ‘flow state.’ Newport points out that deep work will often bring you into flow state but not always. Perhaps the more important kind of deep work is acquiring, organizing, and integrating difficult knowledge.
I often speak, write, and teach my clients about story. This requires a background in mythology, story structure, psychology, and other topics. I need to read works that are often difficult. To truly understand, contemplate, and integrate such works I need deep work time.
This kind of mental slog can’t be accomplished in between emails. It just can’t. You need long periods of uninterrupted time to read, think, and take notes.
Another type of deep work that’s rarely practiced is thinking. Yes, I literally mean just sitting in a room alone — thinking. Or going for a walk alone and thinking. Or a drive alone and thinking. Many people find it easier to do uninterrupted thinking when they’re on the move. One of my favorite philosophers, Friedrich Nietzsche, famously said that he never trusted an idea he didn’t get on his feet.
Whatever the case, it’s important to practice thinking. I find two great opportunities to think — the first is when I’m driving alone. Whereas I used to listen to music or a podcast, I now think. It’s incredible how much mental chatter you find. You want to structure this thinking time. You’re not just thinking about whatever pops into your head. You choose a difficult problem and think of the solutions. Using the right questions to guide your thinking works well.
Beyond learning and thinking, your deep work time might be filled by writing, outlining, envisioning a product or service, writing code, designing, drawing, or whatever your craft is.
You know – that beautiful thing you love to do but somehow never find time to do.
The End
I could go on about this topic. Chances are I will go on in a different article a different day. I refused to read another book for a month after reading Deep Work — I wanted the lessons to sink in. I sat and devoured the entire book in a single day, and took copious notes. I never looked back.
That last sentence was a lie.
I’ve still struggled to do deep work consistently at times since then.
And this brings up the most insidious problem of all. We need to believe that we deserve do to the work that matters. Every day we have a choice to do deep work, but it’s easy to be busy.
The truth is that we don’t have time not to do deep work.
It’s never been more important to create. Now is the moment of creation. There are fewer and fewer rote, laborious tasks that are highly valuable.
Shallow work and distraction will rob you of the most creative years of your life.
That shallow work task that seems pressing — it’s probably not that important and certainly not as important as doing your deep work. Your creations matter more now than ever — both to yourself and to the broader world.
Labor and hustle are still valuable, but without the deep work of creation they will ensure dissatisfaction in your work. Without them your deep work won’t get out to the world, but without the creations you make during deep work time you will have no labors to share and nothing to hustle.
“Come talk to me when you have something,” is a common remark. First you need to create the thing, which can only be done doing deep work time. Then you can hustle it to where it belongs.
Do the deep work. Do it now. Do it daily.
Read more by Zander Robertson on the ManTalks blog:
The 5 Key Steps to Editing Your Life Story
I Want My Son To Know
There’s Nothing Left to Do But Die: Why Overcoming is a Superpower
Or Listen to Zander Robertson on the ManTalks Podcast
 
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zander Zander Robertson is editor-in-chief of the Mantalks blog. He’s ghostwritten more than 20 books for major publishing houses and self publishers. Zander believes that the world turns on powerful, raw, and true stories. Visit his website to learn more. 
Email him at [email protected] to pitch your article idea for ManTalks.

Sign up to the ManTalks newsletter and every week we’ll send you an email with the week’s top articles and interviews.

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Man Of The Week – Ian MacKenzie

This week’s Man Of The Week is Ian MacKenzie, often described as a new paradigm media activist, whose goal mission is to uncover and share stories of the emerging paradigm, moving away from destruction and towards a more life-affirming future. Using film as his medium, Ian crafts conscious memes on behalf of the more beautiful world our hearts know is possible. Be it fluke or fate, Ian’s entry into the filming world came when he decided to join his best friend on a year-long journey to tell a story about a man who worked 52 jobs in 52 weeks to discover his true passion. The film, aptly titled, was called “One Week Job” went on to receive widespread media attention and ironically enough, it was Ian who discovered his true passion; filmmaking.

Today, Ian is working on a couple different projects, with one particularly hitting close to home, Healing of Love (2016). A short film that aims to explore and excavate our deepest wounds around love, sex and partnerships. Follow Ian’s latest updates by following his Facebook fan page.

Age:  35

What do you do? (Work)
My friend once called me “The Indiana Jones of the new story.” I’m a filmmaker and activist that crafts conscious media to shift our cultural mythology away from destruction and toward a life-affirming future.

Why do you do it?
I’ve always been fascinated with stories, from reading fantasy books as a teenager, to writing short stories of my own as a young adult. Cultures are built upon stories as well, though they are often harder to see when it’s all we’ve ever known.  Given our convergent crises on this planet, from social, to economic, to environmental, we are called to reimagine our cultural stories at the deepest level.  I choose film as my primary medium as it contains a uniquely powerful alchemy that can catalyze change in a short period of time.

How do you make a difference in the world? (Work, business, life, family, self)
Like many artists, I have little separation between my work, my life, my family, and my self. I don’t see them as separate realms, but intimately intertwined. (Case in point: two of my feature documentaries include my best friend (One Week Job)  and my partner (Amplify Her) as the main subjects).  At the core, I attempt to make beauty. In the face of so much cynicism and despair, making beauty is a revolutionary act.

What are 3 defining moments in your life?
– In 2007, my aforementioned best friend Sean Aiken graduated from college and didn’t know what he wanted to do with his life. Rather than dive into a career path, only to find out later it wasn’t for him, he decided to launch The One Week Job Project. He would work one job a week for a year, and contribute any funds paid to charity. Incredibly, the offers rolled in from all over North America, from a Dairy Farmer in Alberta, to a Hollywood Producer in LA, to an astronomer in Hawaii.
Halfway through the journey, I quit my job as a copywriter and joined him on the road, shooting the adventure on a basic video camera. While I’d had an interest in filmmaking, I’d never seriously attempted a documentary…until now.  Eventually, I crafted 100+ hours of footage into a cohesive film, which in 2010 we premiered to a sold-out audience in Vancouver and eventually aired on the CBC. I haven’t stopped making films since.
– In 2011, I attending Burning Man for the third time. While many come for the party, others stay for The Temple.  It is the yin to the gathering’s yang – a beautiful structure that serves as a place for collective grief and sorrow. That year, it was called The Temple of Transition, a magnificent building that taught me the meaning of agape.  On the final night, the Temple is always burned in silence – from dust to dust. And yet that morning,  something in me couldn’t leave without capturing a piece. I shot as much footage as I could, and post-burn released the short film Dear Temple.    I believe it was Mark Twain who said the two most important days of your life are “the day you are born, and the day you found out what you’re born to do.”  This day was the latter.
– Finally, in 2013, after multiple years of failing to conceive, and my burgeoning desire to expand the boundaries of our love, my wife and I decided to separate. (The complete story is an epic saga of joy and heartbreak, in fact, I’m currently finishing a 17 page essay on the end of the marriage – stay tuned).
Suffice to say, it launched me on an inquiry into our cultural mythology of sex, partnership, and the village, which has already taken me as far away as Tamera peace village in Portugal to shoot my forthcoming short Healing of Love – aimed at excavating our deepest collective wounds around love and sexuality.

What is your life purpose?
My life purpose is to weave the threads of the emergent culture – to see the larger patterns and craft a cohesive synthesis for others to understand and activate their own gifts.

How did you tap into it?
By having great parents and friends. By listening deeply to my soul’s inner calling. And by continuing to trust I will be lead to where I’m needed most.

Who is your Role-Model or Mentor?
Author, farmer, and spiritual activist Stephen Jenkinson is one of my most prominent mentors. After spending years in palliative care (what he calls ‘the death trade’) he recognized over and again a consistent death phobia that plagued the end of life. He traced the origins to the dominant culture, and the loss of our ability to be at home in the world.  Along with his wife Nathalie, they attempted the impossible – they created the Orphan Wisdom school, a teaching house to learn the skills of home and village-mindedness once again.

Do you have any daily habits? If so, what are they?
I’m on the road quite a bit and I have a hard time maintaining daily habits. The ones that do survive are the simple ones, like my morning coffee.

When do you know your work/life balance is off?
I recognize my work/life balance is off when I lose track of the basic joy of being alive. Work feels oppressive and never-ending. Relationships feel withered and burdensome. Usually it means I need to spend less time on the computer and more time outside. – along with saying ‘no’ to new projects, even though they’re often compelling.

Vulnerability is a challenge for most men – share a vulnerable moment from your life with us.
Recently, I invited a sharing circle with my close family. It was a long time coming, as I hadn’t had an honest and open conversation with them for almost a decade. Spending most of my time on the road, our lives had drifted further away from each other.  My family also inherited the Irish trait of avoiding sincerity with humour, which makes it difficult to really open up with each other. Therefore, creating the space for the circle was incredibly vulnerable.

What did you learn from it?
I’m happy to report the circle went very well and I wonder why I waited so long.

If you are or were going to be a mentor for another man, what is one piece of advice you would give him?
Finish things. It’s far too easy to start something, then let it flounder while you move on to the next compelling idea/project/relationship. You will be known by what you finish. That doesn’t necessary mean continue everything until it’s complete.  Respectfully bow out of a project if it’s no longer viable. Mercifully close that relationship if it’s become destructive or numbing. And learn to say no, rather than attempt to please everyone.

How do you be the best partner (Boyfriend/Husband- past or present)
Remain committed to your mission. Often, that which first attracted your partner to you is the first casualty when you alter your life for a relationship. And maintain a shared vision for why you are together, even if that will change over time. It could be raising kids. Building community. Making art.

Do you support any Charities or Not-for-profits? (Which one(s) and why?)
I’ve been a longtime supporter of Amnesty international, an important voice for human rights, and especially for those who have been wrongly imprisoned, tortured, and forgotten.

If your life had a theme song, what would it be?
One Day They’ll Know” by Pretty Lights (Odesza Remix). This perfect fusion of two artists captures the epic feeling of driving down a sun-drenched coast or gazing out a plane window at the languid clouds below. I often find myself in these inbetween places, from one adventure to the next. This track beats back the feeling of overwhelm – reminding me life can only be experienced one day at a time.

Where do you see yourself in 3 years?
These next few years will see me touring my films Amplify Her and Healing of Love. Along the way, I’m also finishing a short from my time with Stephen Jenkinson called Lost Nation Road. I’m also gathering the wisdom of village-making – recognizing the importance of rebuilding structures of healing needed to create trust among people once again. This is especially true for men – who, in the wake of the rising feminine, need a new culture of true empowerment, solidarity and authenticity.

What legacy do you want to leave for future generations?
I see myself engaged in the necessary work of building a village on the West Coast, likely a gulf island. This is the real foundation of any future worth living. In the 1960’s the initial surge toward intentional community was sincere, but lacked the eldership necessary to plant the roots deep enough.  Today, that spiral is coming around again – only this time, we have the internet and emerging forms of decentralized decision-making and localized autonomy.  Combined with the grace and wisdom of indigenous peoples still connected to the land, and remembering our own ancestral lineages, we have the opportunity to collectively awake from the culture of separation into the joy of reunion – with each other and with all life.

What One book would you recommend for any Man?
“Iron John” by Robert Bly. This seminal book kickstarted the previous wave that became known as the Men’s Movement, and remains just as relevant today. While the specifics of each man’s life may be his own, there exists an archetypal substructure that each of us must navigate on the path to initiation. This book is a map.

If you know a Man that is making a positive impact on the world, we would love to hear from you! Contact us at [email protected]

Anonymous Confessions on a Postcard with Frank Warren

Episode: 044

Why are people sending Frank their secrets on a postcard?

Introduction:
Frank Warren is the founder of PostSecret.com, where he publishes some of the secrets strangers have mailed to him on postcards. Frank has received over 500,000 postcards since November 2004. Some of these postcards are funny, shocking, littered with confessions, sexual desires, and more. Frank discusses why such a novel idea has turned viral and why people need a confessional outlet on today’s show.
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ManTalks Podcast on iTunes
Listen to it on iTunes
Mantalks Stitcher podcast
Listen to it on Stitcher
Key Takeaways:
[2:25] What was Frank’s defining moment as a man?
[4:15] How did PostSecret get started?
[7:45] Frank has given his real home address for people to send postcards to.
[8:10] What is the magic that happens when someone reveals a secret to Frank?
[10:50] What men decide to reveal and conceal defines them every day.
[11:45] Frank reads some anonymous secrets.
[15:45] Despite so much technology that helps us to connect, there’s still a lot of loneliness and isolation.
[16:05] Are we posting too much on social media?
[19:00] Frank used to work on a suicide prevention hotline. How does he deal with all the heaviness?
[21:25] Roger used to live at a fraternity house where he couldn’t show his true emotional struggles.
[26:25] Did you know you could mail potatoes if it has an address on it?
[26:40] Frank talks of his least favorite/most haunting postcards.
[29:15] What’s next for Frank?


Mentioned in This Episode:
www.mantalks.com/
www.postsecret.com/
[email protected]
Frank on TED
Mail Frank:
13345 Copper Ridge Rd
Germantown, Maryland, 20874
Music Credit:
Parlange & Latenite Automatic (jesusparlange.comlateniteautomatic.com)
Tweetables:
“In so many ways we have to wear these masks and play these roles and there are always consequences.”
“How we react and deal with secrets is an important part of who we are.”
“Secrets can be this thing that we bury deep inside of us or they can be like gifts.”
 

* * *
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* * *

How I Got 2 Years Of My Life Back [And Why Suffering May Be The Start of Something Beautiful]

It was snowing outside, I was on my way home and my normal 90-minute drive from the office was already up to 4 hours.
4 hours in my car.
My back hurt from sitting in the same position for so long.
I sat there doing calculations in my head. Then, when I realized I couldn’t add very well, I pulled out my phone (I was sitting still so no worries about distracted driving).
If I average 3 hours a day commuting which was my average on a good day and didn’t include snow or accidents…
That’s 15 hours a week.
60 hours a month.
720 hours a year.
Let’s say I worked in this job until 55 years old (another 20 years) that’s 14,400 hours:
14,400 / 24 = 600 DAYS
Holy Shit, that’s nearly 2 fucking years! Knowing this, I should have decided there and then to change my life.
Change is easy for me these days, as I’ve done so much of it. But back then, no way.
I sat there and justified to myself why it wasn’t that bad: “I have a good job and am making a lot of money. We live in a nice house and my kids are in a good private school. I’ll just suck it up, be a good father/ husband and keep going through the motions,” I thought.
I see this type of justification a lot in my work now.  In order to make significant change people need HUGE amounts of pain and suffering. For me, even knowing that I’d spend 2 years in my car did little but give me something to feel crappy about on a cold dark night in December.
People on their deathbeds regret not seizing the moment, wasting life. I got lucky. I got Anxiety.

Why Anxiety Was a Gift — Getting My Life Back

People frown when I tell them that I see my experience with anxiety as a gift. I get it. Why would something that caused so much mental pain be a gift?
I wasn’t willing to slow down voluntarily. But severe panic attacks, intrusive thoughts, and physical pain finally got me pondering if I was on the right path.
I have come to believe that anxiety comes from living out of alignment. The more out of alignment we are, the more the anxiety rears it’s ugly head.
I began working with a coach and at one point asked him this question: “Am I broken or is my job/ lifestyle making me feel so anxious all the time?”
His response was simple, profound, and gave me permission to start making changes: “Why don’t you change your job or lifestyle and see what happens?”
This speaks to the fact that making any decision about your future is better than staying the same.
I had been asking myself these questions:
Why is this happening to me?
Why can’t things just go back to the way they were before?
Why can’t I just feel normal again?
Continuing to stay on the same path would ensure continued anxiety. I’d passed the point of no return. There was no going back.
Trying to go back would put me on the same road to anxiety again. An infinite loop of misery. No. This time I had to change. I recently came up with this saying, “Stop Coping, Start Changing,” as a way to help my clients create positive change.
In the stress and anxiety space there are so many ways that we cope without addressing the underlying issue.
For example, I learned some elaborate breathing techniques, went on prescription medication, and saw a psychologist. But if I didn’t change at the core then I couldn’t expect my anxiety to just vanish.
This is why I’m not a fan of meds. They allow people to bypass difficult conversations and changes and avoid addressing the actual struggle. Not to mention the potential side effects that come with them.
So I began to make changes, small ones to start with, but eventually I left my job and regained those 3 hours a day I was losing to my commute.
I literally gained 2 years of my life back.

Fixing the Core Problem

If you’re struggling in some part of your life today (and I suspect you are — everyone struggles with something), then instead of looking to fix the symptoms, look at your alignment.
If you have a car with a shaky steering wheel and you replaced the steering wheel, would it fix the problem? How about getting a nice soft fluffy cover for your steering wheel? Would that fix it?
If you’re like me you’d take it to a garage. They’d most likely investigate the wheel balancing, tire pressure and tread, suspension etc. See what I mean?
If you ignore the shaky steering wheel for long enough it may go from being an annoyance to actually being dangerous.
For many of us being out of alignment results in anxiety, depression, being overweight, relationship struggles, disease, or lack of confidence.
If your steering wheel starts shaking, perhaps it’s time to take a step back and consider the source.
Once I began to address the alignment in my life not only did my steering wheel stop shaking, but I also got a new life on a new road, and I’m even becoming a better driver.
Read More By Tim Collins on the ManTalks Blog
5 Ways You Can Prepare for the Best [Instead of the Worst]
10 Simple Ways to Be More Selfish [and How it Helps You Avoid Anxiety]
4 Ways to Get More By Having Less: How to Downsize for Simplicity 
__________
Tim JP Collins

Tim JP Collins is The Breakthrough Anxiety Coach and supports people suffering with Anxiety, stress and panic attacks.  Tim’s approach isn’t just about coping, it’s about moving past Anxiety and fear to live the life you were destined for.

Tim worked in the corporate world as a Vice President of Sales for 15 years, so he is well versed in the business space.  He ultimately decided that wasn’t for him, and was drawn towards supporting others to live anxiety and stress free while going big in their lives.

Tim has also spent time in Entrepreneurial and Real Estate fields, starting a business with his wife in 2007, in their spare time, which went on to be brand name in the infant market and was acquired in 2015.

Tim is the creator & host of “The Anxiety Podcast”.​ Each week Tim interviews people that have stories that you will be able to relate to. The interviews are raw, real and vulnerable, and people share what’s really going on for them.

Tim believes that the more out of alignment we are in our lives, the more Anxiety & Stress will show up.  So he really looks at the bigger picture when working with clients.

Connect with Tim on the Web, The Anxiety Podcast, Facebook, Twitter, YouTube, or Instagram

Or, if you’re feeling a little old fashion you can just email him: [email protected]

Sign up to the ManTalks newsletter and every week we’ll send you an email with the week’s top articles and interviews.

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How Masculine Men Protect Women’s Feminine Energy

Masculine energy is all about breaking free from constraints, overcoming, closing the deal, protecting, providing, leading…. all absolutely necessary components for a woman to experience from a man so she feels safe and flourishes in her femininity, and feels like a woman.
A woman’s level of desire (sexual and otherwise) increases dramatically when she feels like her man is stepping up by pursuing her and protecting her. When this happens, she’s allowed to be the cherished and protected woman who can relax, feel safe, and trust her man.
So at the risk of being politically incorrect here, I am going to share with you what I’ve distilled from thousands of vulnerable conversations with women.
This obviously doesn’t represent all women, although in my experience, it represents a large majority.

Why Do Women Want You to Pay for Meals?

For a woman who wants to be primarily feminine in her energy in the relationship — during the courtship process — a man shows his masculinity by paying for meals. It sends the woman a strong subconscious message that says: “I am a strong provider. If you bear children and become vulnerable, I will protect you.”
A man shows his masculinity to a woman by hunting more efficiently than other men when he shows up as the initiator, the strategist in conquering her heart, and the leader that beats out other opponents. He shows that he can protect and provide should a threat to her family’s safety appear.
A man shows his masculinity when he plans the dates and has it figured out allowing her to relax and connect.
A man creates masculine safety for a woman when he has vision and drive for his life, sending a woman the message that he is a man with direction and deep purpose, which makes him stable and capable of deeply loving her as his woman.
This happens in nature as well….let’s talk physiology: there is an egg in the woman’s womb ready to be claimed and impregnated by the sperm that beats out all the others.
Almost every female client of mine deeply longs for a man to show up like this for her, to pursue her, protect her, provide and show up with strong masculine energy.
This desire is something very primal, and yet countless women often share — in hushed tones because it can seem like it goes against the “progressive” cultural narrative of the moment.
If women are out on a date, whether they are aware of this or not, they are seriously gaging a man’s masculinity.
Whenever women feel unsafe, and unprotected by masculine energy around them, nature has it that they adapt and become more like men…and this can often leave men feeling like a woman was physically beautiful but her energy made her seem like a man or like one of the guys.
This can also mean that men experience women who are hardened, masculine, and in competition with them to see who is the “real man” in the relationship. This may not show up at first, but it usually eventually does over the course of the relationship.
Polarity disappears — and with it very often attraction, connection and desire.
A woman needs to feel safe with her man to allow herself back into her feminine energy. Masculine energy is more about power. Feminine energy is ALL about vulnerability to create deep connection and attraction for you as a man. If a woman doesn’t feel safe, her feminine energy takes a back seat to survival and protecting herself.
There are many, many ways of expressing relationships, but understanding the attraction created by Masculine and Feminine Dynamics is often key in creating sustaining passion over the long haul.
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Giordana Toccaceli is an International Dating, Relationship and Intimacy Expert having worked with thousands of women and men around the world to become their most attractive and magnetic selves and attract incredible partners into their lives in record time.
Giordana has worked with a wide range of clients from Top CEOs, Billionaires, successful entrepreneurs, professional athletes, actors, models and every day men and women. She is a regular contributor to Univision TV’s morning show “Despierta Austin” and the Founder of Woman’s Allure and the Co-Founder of Embody Love Project.
Book a free Discovery Session today and find out what’s holding your back from feeling deep freedom, vibrant health, and alignment in your life. Access your free gift today: Get Giordana’s Heal Your Heart” 10 Minute Meditation.

The Real Reason Men Lose Their Erection When Using A Condom

That Awkward Moment When…

If you’re a man, you’ve probably experienced this. Everything is perfect, the foreplay is going great, and the stage is set for a throbbing, mind-blowing, heart-shattering lovemaking. Your erection is strong and powerful, and feeling it turns you on even more.
And then, that moment comes. Your lover looks at you sweetly but squarely in the eyes, and with a soft but firm voice says, “We need to use a condom.”
This makes perfect sense. The risk of STIs and/or pregnancy is real. So you’ve got to wear that condom.
But our genitals don’t understand logic. And, sometimes, it only takes a few seconds of this pause for your penis to soften. Her being sweet and comprehensive only makes things worse: something inside you tells you that you won’t be able to do it if you wear a condom.
I’ve gone through the same process. I used to consistently lose my erection whenever a woman asked me to wear a condom. It wasn’t pretty. I hate to admit it, but a couple of times I even lied to a partner, telling her that there were no condoms in the house, while I actually had plenty. I just was too scared of sexual failure. Boy, am I grateful that no one got an STI or got pregnant because of that dirty little lie of mine.
So why on Earth does this happen? Why do we men lose our erection because of condoms?

The Real Reason Condoms Turn Men Off…

You might try to fool yourself and others with explanations such as:

  • That you don’t feel enough pleasure with a condom.
  • That a condom squeezes your penis too much.
  • That the pause “takes the romance away”…

But deep in your heart, you know that those are not the real reasons.
As for sensitivity and comfort, you know well that your penis is not all that sensitive. In fact, the harder it is, the less sensitive it is. And as for the non-romanticism of the 2-minutes pause, you have fantasized or have been in way less romantic situations, where your erection stood strong and implacable.
So WHAT is the real reason why you lose your erection? And what can you do about it?
To answer this question, the first thing you need to understand is that your main sexual organ sits in between your ears or, if you prefer, inside your chest. It is your head and your heart that turn you on (or off).
So, the reason why we men lose our erection when a woman asks us to wear a condom is that some deeply uncomfortable thought and/or emotion arises in us in response to that request. And what might that thought or feeling be?
Although every man is different, that uncomfortable thought is virtually always a variation on the same theme: she asking you to wear a condom carries the message that she does not accept you inside her body. And this can be truly devastating for a man.

Some Truths About Male Sexuality

Men love to feel invited, welcomed, by a trusting lover that opens up to their force and thrust. When the body of a woman is welcoming, wet, inviting, this is a huge turn-on for a man. When the body and soul of a woman tense, close up, tighten – this is a turn-off.
Men deeply crave to feel accepted, welcomed, and trusted.
The request to wear a condom challenges that. It can seem to convey the following messages:

  • If you don’t wear it, I won’t let you inside me (you’re unwelcome)
  • I don’t trust you to be healthy, or to control your ejaculation (you’re not trusted)

This is the subterranean thought that runs into most men’s mind, and makes them lose their erection.
Understanding it is the first step towards liberating your sexuality from this blockage.
As a man, you need to realize that, even if you wear a condom, you are welcome and accepted. That she wants you just as badly. In fact, she wants you so badly that she wants to be fully trusting and surrendered. And in order for that to happen, she needs to feel safe. This conviction will take some time to build, but once it’s there, it will never leave you. Condoms won’t be an issue anymore.
In order to get there, the best thing to do is start practicing, both by yourself and with a partner.

Practicing By Yourself

Get familiar and friendly with condoms. Buy a pack of condoms and start experimenting. Wear a condom and play with yourself.
Now, I know that the condom instructions say that you should wear it only when you are fully erect. The reason they say this is that if your penis is not fully erect, then a condom can potentially slip away, which is not cool. But for now, you can forget about this. You are alone, and you can wear a condom even if your penis is completely flaccid. In fact, you should practice this skill. Wear a condom on your soft penis, and then stimulate your penis so that it becomes hard.
Familiarize yourself with the condom, and lose your aversion to it. This will be really useful once you practice with a partner.

Practicing With a Partner

This is potentially going to be scary, so you’ll need to set a firm intention: you won’t back off. You will wear a condom no matter what, whether you end up having intercourse or not.
Next time you have the opportunity, do not wait for your partner to propose using a condom. Once you have enjoyed your foreplay long enough, go ahead and say the magic phrase: “I’ll put on a condom now, just in case.”
That means that, whether you are going to penetrate your partner or not, you can wear a condom anyway and then continue with whatever you were doing. At some point you may even forget that you have a condom on.
Your partner also has a role in this. You can ask her to support you in a very simple way: by doing with your penis exactly what she would do with it if there were no condoms. Touching it, sucking it, teasing it—just as if that condom did not exist.
And now, if the moment is ripe for both of you, still wearing your condom, penetrate her. Don’t worry if your erection isn’t that strong. In that case, just make sure to hold the bottom of your condom with your fingers to make sure it doesn’t slip away. But do get yourself to the point where you can penetrate her while still wearing a condom.
This moment is a threshold, and after that, the rest will be much easier. The more you feel that things are going well, the more natural it will become to continue making love with a condom. You will notice that it isn’t all that different from not using it, and that wearing a condom will give both of you more confidence and a feeling of safety. Since you are practicing here, refrain from ejaculating inside your partner, even if you are wearing a condom. The purpose now is to gain confidence with condoms—not necessarily to have the hottest lovemaking of your life.
Every man on this planet should be able to make love with a condom, if necessary. We owe it to ourselves, and we owe it to our partners, men or women. Asking a partner not to use condoms just to protect our sexual pride is not an option. If two lovers decide to not use condoms, let that be a conscious decision, rather than a slippery workaround of a sexual blockage.
Have fun!
Read More By Raffaello Manacorda on the ManTalks Blog:
These 3 Expressions Will Destroy Your Sex and Love Life
_________________________________________________________________

raffa_200x200Raffaello Manacorda (but you can call him Raffa, he likes that) is a Tantra teacher, author, and coach. After graduating with a degree in Philosophy, he spent more than a decade living in alternative communities and working as a radical activist. He discovered Tantra early in his twenties, and then went on to explore the deep secrets of sex and spirit. He is the creator of The Network of Love, an international workshop on conscious relationships, and a regular columnist for The Elephant Journal. His current obsession is human evolution in all of its aspects, and he loves to rant about Tantra, sexuality, and conscious relationships.

Check out Raffa’s Website or connect with him on FacebookYoutube, or Twitter.

Sign up to the ManTalks newsletter and every week we’ll send you an email with the week’s top articles and interviews.

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The Work You Were Meant to Do with Chris Guillebeau

Episode: 043

What is your dream job and how do you find it? Chris offers some key advice on how you can begin the search.

Introduction:
Chris Guillebeau is the New York Times bestselling author of The $100 Startup, The Happiness of Pursuit, and other books. On today’s show, Chris discusses how you can find your dream job and do work you were meant to do. You can learn more by listening to this podcast and by checking out Chris’s book on the subject entitled, Born for This. At the end of the show, Roger mentions that if you’re feeling alone in your journey, don’t be! Chris has a huge community of people searching for their dream as well, so feel free to visit Chris’s website to find out more.
 

 
ManTalks Podcast on iTunes
Listen to it on iTunes
Mantalks Stitcher podcast
Listen to it on Stitcher
 

 
Key Takeaways:
[0:45] ManTalks has officially launched in Toronto and LA!
[3:00] Please keep spreading the word about ManTalks.
[5:10] What was Chris’s defining moment as a man?
[7:10] Why did Chris write The $100 Startup and Born for This?
[8:45] Are you dissatisfied with the traditional path? Then Chris’s book is for you.
[9:55] How can you hack the job of your dreams?
[10:25] If you’re working for a company, you should think about yourself as leasing your talents to that organization.
[11:15] Chris explains the difference between hard skills vs. soft skills.
[12:10] Life’s too short to hate the work you’re doing.
[12:20] What are some of the signs that someone is in the wrong job/career/thing?
[12:45] You don’t need to know your life purpose at age 20. Most people don’t even know that at age 30.
[13:15] How do you know if you’ve found your dream job? Well, if you had to ask…
[14:50] How do you move closer to what your purpose is and make money?
[18:25] Chris dives a little bit into his background.
[19:45] We gain confidence through mistakes and trying different things.
[20:55] What’s the most popular question Chris gets asked at these events?
[22:45] Chris dives a little deeper into what he means by ‘side hustle’.
[24:20] What kind of legacy does Chris wish to leave behind?
[25:10] Do you think you’re alone in this? Go to Chris’s website.
Mentioned in This Episode:
www.mantalks.com/
www.chrisguillebeau.com/
The $100 Startup by Chris Guillebeau
Born for This by Chris Guillebeau

Music Credit:
Parlange & Latenite Automatic (jesusparlange.comlateniteautomatic.com)
Tweetables:
“If you hack your job, it’ll help you in your existing job or it’ll help you create freedom for yourself.”
“Life’s too short to hate the work you’re doing.”
“This is a process of discovery. It’s not something where tomorrow you’ll have the dream job.”

* * *
If you want to support the show and help others find the show please LEAVE US AN ITUNES REVIEW!
Connect with the show on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/ManTalks.ca/ , Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/mantalks/ and Twitter: https://twitter.com/mantalks
* * *

How To Escape the Inner Man Cave of Isolation

Fellas, it’s time we had a talk…

Most of us have been there in our teens and twenties. Some of us still live there. Where is “there?” Your time spent with other guys is spent in conversation only about external things.
Think about it – you’re with the boys and the conversation is familiar, comfortable; women, tech, sports, women, politics, the weather, lighthearted abuse and banter. Oh, and women.
From observing most men it seems this is what it means to be a man — to only talk in banter, jokes, and superficialities. Unless it’s with our significant other. Even then a lot of us are poor at communicating what we’re really thinking, let alone feeling.
Half the men reading this just shuddered at the thought of actual, real, icky emotions. Yes men, we have them too. We’re not ostriches. Pretending they don’t exist doesn’t make it so.
This behavior forms a dangerous pattern: we develop insular relationships that lack quality man time. We never share anything of significance with other guys, and we generally lack time and real conversations about meaningful topics with other men in a purely masculine space.
We’re reluctant to get deep, unless we’re already too far deep – in the drink. Some asshole (or a thousand assholes) told us that “men don’t share our feelings, we keep things in and either sort it out ourselves or ‘deal with it’.”
If there is time away with ‘the boys’, then it’s often for beers and involves banter; giving and getting stick [Editor’s note: this is Aussie slang for “giving and taking light and fun abuse”].
This can’t be undervalued. Time with the boys helps to keep us honest. We know our mates will pull us up on things that the wife or partner won’t. It can be brutal… yet healthy in a good, forced self-reflection way.
But at times it can be too much, leading to deeper isolation and even less desire to share what’s really going on.
But we often take it if we can get it because many men don’t even have this time with other guys — it’s work colleagues at best, then maybe family. True friendship time is rare. Can you relate to this?
It can be lonely being a man over 30, right? Forming male friendships seems daunting. We age, grow apart, and we become easily isolated from the company we formerly kept.
There is dire need for adult, mature man time. I see this all the time in my coaching practice. The biggest thing adult men are missing is true, open, honest friendships.
It’s rare to have a real conversation with another guy in today’s society and one of the big reasons why so many guys are struggling with depression, isolation, and loneliness. If you only ever have deeper and emotional chats with females – or never at all – then you’re going to find it hard to be courageous enough to share with other men and truly deal with the hard things in your life.
But if you know this is missing you can at least work on it.
Most men have no grasp of the importance of such discussion. For many, our only interaction with other men is superficial macho banter. So we get stuck in our deep inner man cave – a dark place, hard to get out of, and what sees men aged 35-44 as the highest sufferers of suicide, anxiety, and depression of any demographic.

What’s the Inner Man Cave?

Have you ever had this experience: something serious or difficult happens and you withdraw into yourself? Instead of asking questions or telling anyone, you turn within and ask the questions only of yourself. You listen to your own thoughts, what your gut is telling you, and attempt to process the information or situation without anyone else.
This is the top level Inner Man Cave — a healthy place for self reflection and processing.
But when we don’t recognize the next step, don’t ask for help, avoid the difficult conversation, and don’t truly experience emotions we risk going deeper into our Inner Man Cave.
This is where we can find ourselves more and more isolated and withdrawn – stuck in our heads – which is a harder place to climb out of.
The next and deepest level of the inner man cave is when our entire life is played out in our head. We’re hardly present to our surroundings and interactions with others. This place is infinitely harder to get out of. Once here, it means we’ve already fallen down the slippery slope of self-imposed isolation.

Climbing Out of the Cave

Depending on where you are in the inner man cave, it may be tough to climb out. If you feel isolated, like bonding and conversation with guys would be amazing, but you can’t begin to think where to begin finding it, try pulling back, looking at what you love and seeking communities that involve this.
If you simply don’t have an outlet or support in the form of a partner either, then simply understand that connection is one of our core needs. Starting with man time can be the window and catalyst to any other type of connection.
We must embrace and seek out man time in any form. At the same time, be aware that  it doesn’t become an excuse to simply escape and hang with the boys on more of that shallow, meaningless level.
It’s important to express this to your partner — a much needed time for balance in your world and to ensure you don’t get caught up in an insular and downward spin. It will allow you to appreciate your time together with your partner more, which is healthy.
This insular spin can happen in a relationship or alone.
We need to be surrounded by masculine energy (this is not the same as just boozing and talking crap with the boys), and it’s the same for women and feminine. However, women naturally do it more, whereas we tend to lack the courage to be vulnerable to our mates and have real conversations, so we stick to the comfortable surface.
Start scheduling it in with your mates, family members, or close colleagues. Look for signs that your mates need to have a real chat and talk about some of life’s big things, or what’s actually going on below the surface — not just female/male anatomy.
If, on the other hand, you find yourself with few options in this space – no mates to call on or appropriate male colleagues, get online. Visit MeetUp.com and look for groups in activities that interest you. Connect with like minded men, or simply seek out men’s groups.
I have created one of these in Sydney where I live, and inside the first couple of meetings there’s been some wonderful sharing, some laughter and bravery.
I get it though, it can seem daunting. However, let me share a story of someone who’d probably be finding it more daunting that you…
Joe is a big guy. A BIG guy. Over 500 pounds big, and is stuck in his inner man cave, but he reached out to me.
That’s the first step, finding someone you can talk to. However, just because I’m clearly someone who will listen and isn’t going to judge, that doesn’t make Joe’s step of asking me any easier. That’s the nature of being stuck in our head — it’s a daunting journey out, and asking someone, regardless of who they are, can be confronting and terrifying.
Yet it’s looking at things logically – nothing bad is going to happen to Joe if he asks me to talk – then using that to work up the courage to ask, to speak up and take the first step.
This is what Joe did, he stepped out into a busy part of the city and joined a room of men all with different stuff going on, but in strangely similar places: Willing to be vulnerable and ultimately get more out of life.
It was a huge thing for Joe, but it started with making that initial step of finding someone to talk to. It needn’t be the perfect person – that will never happen – just find someone you can trust, and talk.

But Vulnerability Means Weakness, Right?

It’s time to re-frame this: it takes courage to be vulnerable with your mates, and if you do, not only will you benefit from it, but you’ll open the door for them to do the same. And because we’re such closed beings, you might just encourage a mate to share some seriously crucial information that he was otherwise too afraid to talk about.
This can literally be the difference between life and death — with isolation being a primary driver of suicide. You should be able to drop your guard around mates. Make sure they can do it too.
On the flipside — weakness means holding back out of fear. Brave men share the important things that need sharing.
Vulnerability needn’t be solely big issues either. For example, late last year I flew to Cambodia with a bunch of other men as a part of the Stella Fella campaign with the wonderful organisation Project Futures. The mission of this charity is to end human trafficking.
On this trip we covered 450km by bike, visiting centres and meeting women who have been victims of modern slavery. It was eye-opening and confronting.
This issue is not something that impacts me as an individual, however, it’s an issue that needs men to stand up and speak out about. This is the type of conversation we also need to be having with each other.
Modern slavery, sex trafficking, and human trafficking is an issue that starts and stops with MEN. The more men having this conversation and taking action to spread the message the better.
However, this is the kind of issue that we can start addressing day to day. We can do it at the pub, where we constantly objectify women and where we create a market for this by fueling the sex trade.
Regardless of how innocent that kind of chat can be, it’s part of a bigger and much wider issue that leads to this nasty problem. I say this to bring into context the full spectrum of conversations and situations we can be having as men.
For some of us it means ensuring we can get out of our heads, share some genuine masculine time with another guy, connecting and talking things through. For some guys it’s about asking for help and being able to confide in someone. For others still, it means keeping a balance in our lives and relationships.
Our voices are powerful tools, whether in our own lives or in helping the lives of others. It’s time we push past the comfortable surface and our own pride because on the other side lies growth, more happiness, and better connections.
I believe in this type of open, honest, communication so much that I’ve launched my own web series of real, raw, and honest conversations with men called: ‘Beyond The Beers – Men Breaking The Stereotype Through Conversation’.
This show will be an example for men of what more meaningful conversations look like and will encourage men to start taking them up everywhere.
It’s a place for men to listen, learn, laugh, and grow. The first series will be rolling out soon. We’ve completed 5 interviews and are now at the post-production stage, but we need your help.
To make this happen we are turning to you — the people this series was designed for. We’ve created a Kickstarter campaign to fund the editing and production.
There are some great interviews already complete with more to come, and we would love YOUR support in making them a reality; funding post-production is where the focus is right now.
So this is me being vulnerable and asking for your help, asking for support and also accountability – with this out there now, I have to follow through and create a damn good show!
Will you join the conversation with us, start breaking the stereotypes, and embrace meaningful conversations?
You can start here by watching the teaser for our conversations and then following along in your own life.
Read more by Mike Campbell on the ManTalks blog:
The Sweet Spot for Modern Masculinity
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Bio pic 2

Mike Campbell is a Man Coach who helps men find significance, worth and personal power. By challenging the broken model of manhood, he helps men to drop the ego and get out of our own way, and in doing so become their own perfect mix of James Bond, Nelson Mandela & Batman.

Plus he loves to cook, eat and talk to his food. He loves his fiancée, stone fruit, cold beer, red wine, whisky and to think of himself as a low level Batman. He also likes to lift heavy things and play Goldeneye on his vintage Nintendo 64.

You can connect with him at the following locations:

Website, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Linkedin, or Snapchat at ‘mancoachmike’

Sign up to the ManTalks newsletter and every week we’ll send you an email with the week’s top articles and interviews.

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Man Of The Week – Anthony Trucks

Our newest Man Of The Week is Anthony Trucks, an author, speaker and former NFL player, for his ass-kicking story that has served as inspiration to people worldwide already. Life has been tough from the young age of three when Anthony was dropped off at a foster home where for the next few years he suffered abuse, starvation and repeatedly being told he was worthless. The roller-coaster that is Anthony’s life didn’t stop there with a terrible injury that ended his football career coupled with an unfaithful wife and the loss of his family and almost committed suicide. It’s fair to say life kicked Anthony’s ass!

How Anthony responded to his circumstances is the most incredible part of his story. J.K Rowling once said “Rock bottom is the foundation on which I rebuilt my life” and it is fair to say Anthony did the exact same thing. Hitting bottom made him realize his way of life was not working and in accepting that reality he was able to let go of the ego and limiting beliefs that held him back from truly living and enjoying life. Anthony learned mistakes are part of life and forgiving yourself creates the space for you to try again and truly enjoy life’s beauty. By stepping out of his comfort zone and being more open and vulnerable, Anthony was able to authentically connect with those around him, and also feel protected by self-depricating thoughts and by removing the world’s firepower against you. This is definitely a story you’ll want to read about, check out the full feature below!

Age – 32

What do you do? (Work)
I teach business owners, aspiring business owners, and those who just want freedom how to get out of their own way so they can finally get that freedom and enjoy their business and their life.

Why do you do it?
Because I am selfish. I grew up in foster care where I was beaten and starved, among other things, and I pretty much didn’t matter. I just want to matter to people and get the feeling that I receive when I help someone improve their life. I selfishly want to know that I mattered. The ONLY way I can get that feeling is to GENUINELY help someone. So I fully give of myself in every way to help so I can receive the feeling of knowing I made an impact.

How do you make a difference in the world? (Work, business, life, family, self)
For me it’s many ways. I’m a father, a brother, a friend, a coach, and in time a husband.

What are 3 defining moments in your life?
– The memory of my mum giving me away at 3 years old into foster care. It left me in a whirlwind that took many years to overcome. It’s a tough thing to endure a feeling of total worthlessness when not even your own mother loves you enough to keep you. I felt like I didn’t belong on this planet.
– The moment I heard a girl say “the reason I’m so bad is because I’m in foster care.” Those words shifted my soul because I never wanted that to be an excuse for why I wasn’t great in life. Those words were the catalyst to me growing into the man I am today because I wanted to be everything OPPOSITE of what someone who came from my past would become statistically.
– The moment I was holding the right hand of my adoptive and watching her take her last breath as she lost her 17-year battle with MS. That moment was the moment that I fully realized how much impact one human can have on another when they unconditionally love and support. I am who I am, and doing what I do now, because of that woman. Watching her leave this earth centered me to the knowing that I cannot bury my casket full of potential.

What is your life purpose?
I am meant to impact people who impact the world. I’m a vessel that is carrying tools to prepare other vessels to go out into the world.

How did you tap into it?
Life kicked my a** and I got tired of it. I lost my marriage and my family and it led me down a dark path that almost ended in me taking my life. It was then that I awoke. When I did, I started living more alive and more vibrantly than ever because I understood life more as I dropped my egoic barrier and gave myself permission to learn and grow more as a man and a human.

Who is your Role-Model or Mentor?
Right. Simply doing right. In my life I didn’t have many people I could trust to lead me positively. So for me doing what is right led me. Mostly because doing wrong is easier in most cases, whereas doing right is hard. I just do the hard work, and make the hard decisions, that are right. Even if it “feels” wrong, or difficult. I MUST be able to respect the man I see in the mirror every night before I lay my head down.

Do you have any daily habits? If so, what are they?
I take time to meditate daily and put my mind at ease before I start the day. If not I enter a world unprepared to handle what may be thrown at me.

When do you know your work/life balance is off?
At this point in my life I can literally feel it. Ill notice if I feel off for some reason and I’ll slow down and start being more cognoscente of what I’m feeling and what is going on in my world to make me feel that way. Then I address it and move forward.

Vulnerability is a challenge for most men – share a vulnerable moment from your life with us.
My ex wife had an affair and, after having grown up in foster care, it took from me the most important thing in my life. My family. I had an ego having been in the NFL and owning a gym at the time and it led me to a dark place. I felt I had nothing to live for. It wasn’t until the police found me through GPS and brought me home that I had to visit some deep truths within myself. I realized how much of my experiences were from my involvement, as much as I didn’t want to accept at first that they were. Although my ex wife had made a decision, I was part of the problem that led her to a place to even HAVE to make a decision. I am at fault for the failure of marriage and ensuing life consequences.

What did you learn from it?
We’re all imperfect. We all make mistakes. When you learn to own them you learn to make peace with yourself and life and you start to experience the world in a beautiful way. Being open and vulnerable also protects you from yourself and the world. Yourself because now you don’t beat yourself up and go dark, and the world because you take away the world’s firepower to use against you.

If you are or were going to be a mentor for another man, what is one piece of advice you would give him?
You’re human, not just a man. Everyone on this planet matters. Men, women, animals, everything. You don’t have to be an overpowering brute to be strong and gain respect. Be human and you’ll find that humanity will see a strength in you that will be more powerful than anything you could comprehend. Graceful strength.

How do you be the best partner (Boyfriend/Husband- past or present)
Communicate EVERYTHING. Be open about your fears, desires, frustrations, problems, etc. If not then you don’t give the other person the opportunity to truly support and connect to you. When you don’t connect you literally become your own roadblock to beautifully connected relationships.

Do you support any Charities or Not-for-profits? (Which one(s) and why?)
I support any at risk youth and foster organizations I can find. Royal family kids camp, foster a dream, hope and home, etc. I was a foster kid and I only WISH I had something like these organizations when I was in the system.

If your life had a theme song, what would it be?
Great question that I have yet to figure out. Something along the lines or “Trust Your Hustle” ……. I should get someone to write that song for me lol.

Where do you see yourself in 3 years?
Father of three amazing kids, and an owner of a thriving business that holds online courses and live events that transform people’s lives and businesses all over the world.

What legacy do you want to leave for future generations?
The legacy of finding the strength to live your life EXACTLY how you want it. I want my legacy to be proof that a good man who truly cared and gave existed when few thought one did.

What One book would you recommend for any Man?
The 7 habits of highly effective people

If you know a Man that is making a positive impact on the world, we would love to hear from you! Contact us at [email protected]

Golden – an Easier Way to Give Back to Your Community

Sam Fankuchen

Episode: 042

Sam Fankuchen has created an app that makes it easy to volunteer for the causes you care about the most.

Introduction:
Sam Fankuchen is the founder of Golden, a company that makes it easy to volunteer as well as helps non-profits manage their volunteers. Golden now has an app you can download directly to your phone where you can work for a non-profit that is aligned with your mission and purpose. Sam says that 25% of Americans volunteer every year, but the impact could be much greater if there was an easier way to manage the gap between non-profits and volunteers. Find out more about Sam’s story in today’s episode.
 
ManTalks Podcast on iTunes
Listen to it on iTunes
Mantalks Stitcher podcast
Listen to it on Stitcher
 

 
Key Takeaways:
[0:30] Connor and Roger welcome Sam on to the show, the founder of Golden.
[0:35] What is Golden? An app that helps to make volunteering effortless.
[2:10] Why is Golden so important? We all want to give back
[2:50] What was a defining moment for Sam?
[5:10] Sam explains what Golden is.
[6:25] Why would a non-profit need this?
[6:45] Staffing is the most costly expense for a non-profit.
[8:05] There’s only a few core things that help drive our happiness. Volunteering is in that list.
[9:15] Why did Sam want to help the volunteering space?
[10:55] Volunteering is surprisingly complicated.
[12:30] 24-25% of Americans volunteer every year.
[13:25] There are tremendous benefits to volunteering.
[15:00] How can someone volunteer most effectively?
[18:00] What do volunteer coordinators need to do to make sure their volunteers feel valued?
[21:40] What’s one piece of advice Sam would give to companies who want to be more active in the community?
[24:45] What does Sam see in the future for non-profits and charities?
[25:50] Sam shares a case study.
[29:00] Where does Sam see Golden being in the next five years and how can people help?
[32:00] What kind of legacy would Sam like to leave behind?
Mentioned in This Episode:
www.mantalks.com/
www.goldenvolunteer.com/
Music Credit:
Parlange & Latenite Automatic (jesusparlange.comlateniteautomatic.com)
Tweetables:
“In the United States, there are about 1.5 million non-profits that contribute to a 1 trillion a year economy.”
“There are only so many core drivers of happiness in our lives: exercise, spirituality, family, and volunteering.”
“I couldn’t imagine how the thing that seems like it could be the easiest in the world to do, could be so complicated.”
 

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