And How To Escape It!
Talking points: relationships, attachment
There’s one significant trap a lot of men fall into when they’re anxiously attached. Good news? It’s manageable—as long as you know where it’s coming from. If you or your partner has this attachment style, dig in.
(00:00:00) – Defining the trap, and why it happens
(00:04:29) – What you’re really up against, and the first step in escaping the trap
(00:09:15) – Uncovering where it shows up in your relationship, and taking action
(00:12:09) – Don’t just practice in the relationship, and what causes blacksliding
Transcript
What is the main trap of the anxious attached man? There’s a trap that I see happening for every single anxious attachment I’m going to teach you about today and I’ll teach you how to escape it. Because this trap is the thing that holds you in your anxious attachment. I’m going to define what caused it, what actually created it in your upbringing, talk about how it shows up in your relationship, and then how to break it.
So here’s the simple anxious trap, okay? I want something. I need something relationally. Asking for it is uncomfortable.
I am afraid of rejection. And so instead of being direct, I am going to do something to try and get my need met or my want met without asking directly. I’ll do backflips for it.
I will create what Dr. Robert Glover calls covert contracts. So I’ll do things for you. I’ll do things for my partner. I’ll go above and beyond. I’ll try and be the best boyfriend or husband that I can possibly be so that hopefully you will know that I need something and you will just give it to me in return. You’ll be a mind reader.
You’ll figure it out and then you’ll meet my needs. Okay, that’s the trap of the anxious, right? This is the trap of the anxious attached man. He runs around in circles. He does backflips. He takes on so much responsibility in the relationship. He tries to do everything in his power.
This is probably you if you’re watching this or maybe this is your partner. And he still doesn’t get his needs met. He still doesn’t get what he wants because he’s not direct and doesn’t ask for what he needs.
Okay, why do you do this? Why do you get stuck in this trap over and over and over and over and over again when you know it doesn’t work? I’m going to tell you why. You get stuck in this trap repeatedly because when you were a boy, you experienced things that created what’s called learned helplessness.
So, an example of what can create learned helplessness. Maybe you were completely ignored, right? You were just neglected as a kid. Your parents weren’t around very much. Your needs didn’t seem to matter very much when you asked for what you wanted, you know, for a birthday or a birthday party or you needed some attention from your parents.
It just didn’t happen. And over time, as this went on, you learned that your needs do not matter to the people who love you most. And this created learned helplessness.
So, what happens is that your body, your nervous system, like your actual nervous system and your brain got conditioned to see asking for what you want and need directly as a threat and also not just as a threat, but as something that’s entirely pointless. So, your nervous system and your brain literally think when you are like, hey, I really would love a hug from my partner or I want to go on a date with them tonight or I want to watch that TV show or I want to hang out and have a good conversation or, you know, whatever it is.
Your nervous system’s and brain’s response is that’s pointless. Doesn’t matter. Not going to happen.
Some other examples is you may have been criticized into oblivion. You may have had outsized reactions and responses to when you expressed what you needed as a child, right? So, if you were a kid that, you know, maybe was a little hyperactive or, you know, had some anger when you were growing up or, you know, whenever you needed something, you would try and express it, but you would whine and complain and then your parents would come over the top. They’d start yelling and screaming or calling you names or putting you down, criticizing you, like, what’s wrong with you and why you do this?
Again, this will have instilled into your nervous system and brain that either there’s something wrong with you and what you need and want or when you need something, that’s a bad thing. There’s a threat of violence, abuse, criticism, being shamed, being put down, being called names.
It all depends on what you experienced growing up. So, when an anxious attached man, when you as an anxious attached man want to ask your partner for something, what you are actually up against is not your partner’s rejection, right? That’s the perceived fear. It’s like, well, what if they say no? Oh my God, how do I take that? What you’re actually up against is how your nervous system felt as a boy when you tried to ask for what you wanted and needed.
That’s what you’re actually up against. It’s the boy’s nervous system who goes, oh man, if I ask for what I want, am I going to get yelled at? Am I going to get laughed at? Am I going to get criticized? Am I going to get neglected? Am I going to get abandoned again? Just like I did when I expressed what I wanted growing up. So, that’s actually what you’re up against in that moment, okay?
Now, how do you get out of this trap? I can hear, because I work with men, it’s like we all want, it’s like, give me the answer. Give me the three-step plan. Tell me what I can do to get out of this effing mess. Okay, let’s talk about that. Let’s talk about the logistics.
The first thing that you need to get very clear of is discovery. I always like a three-step process of discovery, awareness, and action. DAA. Discovery, awareness, and action.
So, you need to discover what are the origins of this behavior from your childhood. You actually need to do some discovery and some digging. Where did this fear of asking for my needs to be met, where did that come from? Where did you learn helplessness? Where did you learn that your needs were bad or wrong? Or that there was something wrong with you for even having those needs? Where did you learn that? Who told you those things? What are some examples of moments, if you have memories of it, that created it? Now, for some of you, I want to just contextualize one piece. Some of you are going to be drawing a blank on this.
Some of you, it’s going to be super clear. It’s going to be like, yeah, dad did this. Mom said that. You know, my stepdad, et cetera. My grandfather, my uncle, my auntie, they did these things and it really imprinted on me. Don’t have needs. Don’t ask for them. Something’s wrong with you when you have a need. For some of you, it’s going to be what’s called pre-verbal or non-verbal.
So, you’re not going to really have memories attached to it because it will have happened sometime earlier on in life. So, if you can’t find these very clear moments where like, yeah, I can tie it to these very clear moments in my family system or at school with a teacher or with a coach where things happened and it taught me that my needs shouldn’t matter or I should be afraid to ask for them, it’s very likely that it was pre-verbal or non-verbal. So, that means that it happened sometime before you were three and a half and four years old.
So, the best thing that you can do is to discover, if you have a parent that’s still alive, to start to ask them, hey, what was the first three years of my life like? What was I like? What was going on for you? What was going on in the relationship? What was going on in our household? And depending on your parents, some parents are not going to be open to this, you can give some insight into what you’re looking for, which is an understanding of why you may have learned that your needs were bad. Or wrong, most parents are not going to be able to hear that at all. So, maybe just take that part with a grain of salt, but what you’re really looking for is some experiences that may have left you with the belief that your needs didn’t matter or that you weren’t a priority.
I’m going to give you a very clear example. Very common that young men, that boys who have a mother that has severe or even not severe postpartum depression, and she struggles to take care of him. She struggles to respond to his needs.
He’s crying, he needs a diaper change, he’s hungry, he needs to be fed, and she struggles to respond to his needs for whatever reason. If that happens repeatedly and ongoing, right, for months at a time, what can happen for that baby is learned helplessness. They learn that when they cry because they’re hungry, nothing happens.
When they cry and scream because they want to be held, nothing happens. So, that’s just one example of what can create that learned helplessness. And so, for you dealing with this, again, if you don’t have any memories, explore the very early part in life and it’ll likely be a physical somatic nervous system sensation, right? Something about what I just said about early on in life would have probably pinged something inside of you.
So, start to explore that. The next part is the awareness of where it’s showing up in your current relationship. So, discover where the origins are from your roots, from your past, from your family of origin, and then start to build awareness.
Where is this showing up in your relationship? This part’s probably pretty obvious to you. It’s like every time I want to ask for closeness or intimacy or go on a date or, you know, for any of my needs to be met or even to voice that I have needs or that I want to ask for something, that’s where I get all disheveled and anxious and nervous and I start trying to do things for my partner, blah, blah, blah, blah. The last piece is take action.
You are going to, for a period of time, you are going to go through some form of, this is a very interesting therapeutic process, but you’re going to just put yourself into situations where you are asking for what you need and what you want as clearly and directly as possible. Now, my recommendation is that you start with things that are very easy. You start with things that are so small where a lot of guys go wrong with this is they’re like, I’ve been waiting to ask my partner for this thing for years and I’m going to try and start there.
And they freeze and they get stuck and they get delayed in the process. So, you need to go through a period of exposure therapy, of exposing your needs, exposing your wants, exposing what it is that you desire in the relationship. A very, very good frame to hold in your relationship is that the best relationships and the securest attachments, there’s zero guesswork.
So, your work is to eliminate your partner’s guesswork in what you need, want, or desire. So, start small, right? At the dinner table, ask your partner to pass you things, right? If you’re in the kitchen and you’re sitting down and they’re walking around and you want something from the fridge, ask for something from the fridge. Hey, can you grab me the soda from the fridge? Or can you grab me an apple, please, from the fridge? Or get me a protein bar from the cupboard, please.
Start to really, and I know it sounds silly and simple, but start in this small place where you’re risking rejection, you’re risking them saying no, and then start to build up. Maybe you start to ask for things that are a little bit more, as you build some confidence, that are a little bit more confronting, right? It’s like, I want you to come sit next to me or come over here and give me a hug or come give me a kiss. Those types of things are going to feel confrontational, confronting.
They’re going to feel maybe embarrassing for you. They’re going to activate your nervous system of like, no, you can’t ask for that or you can’t say that. If you do that, they’re going to just reject you wholeheartedly.
But I want you to start to practice these things over and over and over again. So every single day, 3 to 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 times a day, you are going to ask for what you want and need from as many people around you as possible. Don’t just condense this with your partner.
You need to practice this everywhere in your life, okay? It’s very common that when men are working on this, they just fixate on their intimate relationship, right? And they start bringing all of their wants and needs like a tidal wave to their partner. And the partner’s like, holy shit, what is happening? And everything starts to change in the dynamic very, very rapidly. That can be okay if your partner knows what’s coming.
If they know that you’re doing this and they’re aware that you’re working on this and you’ve told them and you’ve been directive like, hey, I’m going to start to ask you for more of what I need and want in the relationship. Are you okay with that? If so, like I’m going to start tomorrow, I’m going to start to ask for you to pass me things and give physical affection and attention. I’m going to say what kind of date I want to go on and plan it and all those types of things.
So if you have a relationship where you have great communication or you have communication that you trust, I would recommend that you make a bit of a declaration with your partner and make it clear and direct that you are going to start to do this. Set them up for success to know that your behavior is about to shift. Because here’s the catch.
I’m going to leave you with this and then we’ll pause for today. Here’s where most men go wrong in this anxious trap that causes them to come back in is they start to do a little bit of this. They start to ask for what they want and they need.
And in the back of their mind, they’re looking. They’re waiting. You’re waiting for the rejection.
You’re waiting to be turned down. You’re waiting to be told no so that it reinforces that story. And what often happens is that they do a couple of things.
Number one, they’re looking for that old story to be proved. And number two, they don’t set their partner up for success, meaning they don’t really tell them what’s happening. And all of a sudden, they start to ask for all these things that they want and need.
But they’re not practiced in it. And their partner is starting to push away or pull back or like, what’s going on? Why are you acting this way? And they’re confused. And because of the confusion, the man interprets that as I’m doing something wrong again.
And I should just go back to not having needs or wants or desires. And it reinforces his story. So set your partner up for success if you’re in that type of relationship or you are committed and dedicated to building the type of relationship where there’s no guesswork, which should be your aim as a man.
Your aim as a man in your marriage, your relationship should be that there is zero guesswork with your partner. That there is transparency. That there’s not a mystery of what you need, want, or desire.
And it’s not a mystery of what your partner needs, wants, or desires, or expects. That it is clear. It is simplified. It’s streamlined. You both get it. You’re both on the same page.
So practice this. Thank you so much for tuning in. I hope you found value in this. Don’t forget to subscribe. Share the episode. Man it forward with somebody that you know will enjoy it. Until next week, Connor Beaton signing off.
