45% Of Young Men Have Never Asked Someone Out – Why?

Talking point: dating, relationships, risk

I recently came across some work by Alexander (aka @DatePsych), where he put together some fascinating data. Turns out 45% of men between 18-25 haven’t asked a woman out. Ever. What’s the deal? Well, here are two of my theories, and I’d love to hear yours.

Link to the study: https://datepsychology.com/risk-aversion-and-dating/

Transcript

So, Date Psychology came out with this new study that blew my mind. I thought this was really wild, and I’m going to talk about what I think is contributing to this, what’s causing this, and what we can do about it. I’m curious to hear your thoughts as well, but what they found was that 45% of young men between the ages of 18 and 25 had never, not once, approached a woman in public and asked her out.

Now, I don’t know what the sample size was. This could be one of those samples is like a thousand guys, but I think it’s still indicative of the larger problem that seems to be happening in the dating world.

Now, the interesting thing was that 75% of women of that same age range, 18 to 25, said that they expressed a desire to be approached by men. So you have 75% of women saying, actually, I would like to be approached. I’d like for men to come talk to me.

I’d like for men to come and ask me out. But then you have 45% of men who literally have never approached a woman and asked her out. So the probability of those women being approached, it’s one of those things where it’s likely the 5% of men, the 10% of men that are doing the majority of the approaching and that are the most comfortable with it.

Now, I’m of the generation where, yes, you could pick people up online. Social media existed, not when I was a teenager, but MSN chat, for those of you who are of my generation and my age, it existed. You could talk to people online. You could pick people up online. You could hit on people. All that kind of stuff happened.

But it’s still not really the way that most people in my generation, like when I started going to the bars when I was 18, that was the primary way that I met women. It was approaching women at the gym, approaching women at the coffee shop, approaching women at the bar, at the restaurant, at the grocery store. It was walking up to a woman and talking to her and striking out and being like, oh man, I can’t believe I said that stupid crap. What was that?

I remember a buddy of mine and I used to go to the bar. This is just an aside. But we used to go to the bar and we would choose the worst pickup lines possible to see if we could get a woman’s phone number using just like the corniest pickup lines.

And in some ways, it’s not that it was a game, it’s that we were challenging ourselves to get over the fear of rejection, the fear of failure, saying the wrong thing at the wrong time and feeling embarrassed or feeling ashamed or being like, ugh, getting that ick inside where you’re like, man, I can’t believe I said that crap. And it was fun, but it also helped to develop confidence because we started to realize, like, there was so much less on the line than we thought. And I think one of the big things that I think has contributed, there’s a couple of things I’m going to say that I think are contributing to this.

And men, share your thoughts in the comments below if you’re on Spotify or YouTube. I want to hear what you have to say. Why do you think that less and less young men are approaching women and what can they do about it? So here’s my first thing.

I think that most young men’s tolerance for risk has been decimated. I think because of pandemic, I think because of spending way more time in the digital space and less time in real life in front of people. I think that men’s, young men’s especially, risk tolerance level has shrunk exponentially and it is damaging young men in a way that is really not good, both for a relational standpoint, a sex standpoint, a financial standpoint, a success standpoint, a confidence standpoint.

We as men need to go through trials, go through challenges and take risks in order to develop both confidence and competence. And so as a man, you have to face the rejection, as an example, of women in order to get a phone number, in order to get a date. And this is part of the dance that has to happen.

And I think what’s going on is that a lot of young men are just avoiding stepping into those spaces because of a number of reasons. They see all of this nonsense online about how bad women are. Maybe they’ve heard horror stories from their buddies who approach women and they get shut down or they get laughed at or mocked or maybe they get rejected in a way that’s not great.

But in my experience and most of the men that I talk to, the majority of the times women don’t reject in a mean or demeaning way. The hard part is feeling internally the rejection of the no. It’s feeling the like, oh, what does that mean about me? Am I not attractive enough? Am I not good looking enough? You have to start to face some of those insecurities when you go and approach a woman in real life.

When you try and hit somebody up on Tinder or an app like Instagram or whatever it is, there’s so much less on the line. There’s this big separation between you and the outcome, whereas in real life, it’s right there and it’s in your face and you can’t avoid it.

So I think that in part that risk tolerance has been diminished greatly and we as men have to encourage young men to take more risks. With my son, I encourage him all the time, take more risks. I help him define where the boundaries are. We have a big set of stairs and he likes to jump off the stairs and he jumped off the first stair. He’s three and a half. He jumped off the first stair. I’m like, great job. He jumps off the second stair. Great job.

He walks up to the third stair. Can I jump off of this one, dad? I’m like, do you feel comfortable with it? He’s like, uh, I said, try it out. So he jumps off that one. Then he goes up to the fourth stair and he looks at me and I’m like, do you think you can do that one? He’s like, no. He’s like, okay. What do you think would happen? I might hurt myself. Yeah, probably.

So we have to encourage young men. I’m encouraging you to take more risks than you are comfortable with, to put yourself out there and face the rejection. You have to be rejected countless times. It’s going to happen. You have to face the embarrassment and the insecurities and the failure that comes along with it and that that actually is an important part of the masculine equation. Your sense of manhood is either going to be reinforced or diminished in your ability and willingness to move towards risk or shrink from it.

It’s just a direct correlation. Men that are willing to start to develop risk as a skill set will be more competent, more confident, more capable, and more attractive to women. Because in some ways, a lot of women, maybe not all women, but a lot of women know that it takes a certain level of not only confidence, but like it takes a certain level of grit and determination to approach a woman in real life. And for some women, it’s uncomfortable for them as well.

So I think that’s the one big thing is risk. And I think the other thing is just the social narrative around relationships and the fact that men and women have gone very far apart. The political divide is pretty big. Women are more on the left and men are more on the right, especially in the younger generation. There’s been a big split.

And I think that ideologies between men and women have changed. And I think that because of some of the narratives within certain parts of political ideologies, men have the notion that women do not want to be approached. Men have the idea that women see that as a threat or dangerous or they’re disgusted by it or you are going to be seen as a misogynist if you approach them.

And that’s not the case. Any woman that I’ve ever talked to appreciates and respects a man that approaches them. Now, of course, like I said, there’s a right way to do it. Women do not approach the man that comes up and is greasy and slimy or has bad hygiene and that type of stuff. If he’s kind of creepy and following her around or giving her weird looks, that’s probably not going to go over well.

But if you’re a dude who’s just like, hey, listen, I’m not very good at this, but I think that you’re beautiful and I wanted to come talk to you and my name’s Connor. What’s your name? That type of stuff is super disarming. It’s honest. It’s transparent. You’re taking that step. And I would encourage any young man to just start to do this on a regular basis. Go into a coffee shop and just talk to the barista more than you normally would.

You don’t have to try and get their number, right? Talk to somebody in the coffee shop that’s a patron, that’s having coffee and working on something and just strike up a conversation. You have to start to deal with the discomfort that you feel inside of yourself in those social situations. And I think this is the last thing I’ll leave you with.

I think that we vastly underestimate the damage maybe isn’t the right word, but the impact that lacking in social skills and the rise of social anxiousness that has happened on the back of both the pandemic and the rise in using technology. And I think that’s really dramatically impacting a lot of young men who are more isolated, more lonely, and have less and less chances to just interact with people, period. To interact with other men or other women just in a regular social setting.

And so if you’re young men out here watching this, get more social. Get more social. Talk to women in public. Let it be awkward at first. That’s okay. Try not to be a creep.

Maybe don’t do what I did and choose the five worst pickup lines in human history and then try and go talk to women with them. Or maybe that suits your personality. Maybe you’re just a little goofy, a little ridiculous, and you can pull that off and it suits your character.

Try and approach women in a way that suits your character. If you’re a little nerdy, be a little nerdy. If you’re very observant, observe something about her. Notice something about her and approach her with that. Hey, I noticed you’re reading this book. Tell me what it’s about.

Hey, I noticed, you know, it looks like you just got your hair done. Looks great. You know, you’re carrying a yoga mat. Like what type of yoga do you like to do? Be observant. Make a comment about something that you’ve noticed about her. So really, the thing that I would say, if you are uncomfortable with this, that’s fine.

Do it anyway. If you don’t feel competent in it, that’s probably true because you’re not doing it. So where do you start? You start by trying to play to your own nature and your own character. If you’re shy, say that. Hey, I’m usually pretty shy and reserved, but I just wanted to come talk to you. Be honest and transparent about maybe it’s a little uncomfortable for you.

If you’re a little bit more charismatic, if you’re a funny jokester, if you, whatever it is, really try and embody some of your natural characteristics and bring them into the conversation when you are approaching a woman. All right. Share your thoughts.

Let me know why you think so many young men have been checking out of approaching women in real life and what you have found to work well. See you next time.