Tara is stunning. Tight swimmer’s body, blue eyes, blonde hair pulled back in a ponytail. She’s type of girl so dripping in sex that it makes focusing on whatever we’re talking about difficult, even for her.
She excuses herself for a moment.
I turn to Matt, my happily married guy friend, smirk, and say, “$20 bucks says she’s back at my apartment and naked within the hour…”
His response stops me in my tracks. He looks me in the eye, almost disgusted, and said, “Jesus man. Have some self-respect already. No wonder you can’t find love…”
I’m The Guy You Think You Want To Be…
Two of my ex girlfriends are models. Women initiate threesomes with me. I’ve slept with my camp counselor (we were both of age at the time), my RA, a few of my roommates, bartenders I picked up, multiple hot lesbians (that was interesting…), and a friend or two (which is never a great idea…).
But I’m not who you think I am.
I’m not a sex addict. I think pickup artists are idiots. I was never sexually abused. When my attractive 21-year-old employee invited me over to her place after a few drinks, I politely declined. The vast majority of my partners have been amazing, emotionally healthy women. I have more close friends than I know what to do with. And I’ve been told that I’m fairly successful and put together.
No, my story is much more subtle. My story is the story of a guy who has spent his entire life trying to trick himself into believing that he’s not cripplingly lonely.
Because here’s what you, and almost all of my friends miss: every woman that I’ve ever loved has broken up with me.
Read that again. Every woman I’ve ever loved has broken up with me.
Think about how that would make you feel, because it’s hard to capture just how much pain, embarrassment, and shame this causes me.
It makes me feel like I’m unlovable. It makes me feel like the more a woman gets to know me the less likely she is to stick around.
While most of my friends are married to the love of their life, I’m trying to figure out if a healthy marriage – something I very much want – is even a possibility for me.
Where Did I Go Wrong?
The question I find myself asking again and again is, “Where did I go wrong?”
I could tell myself that, “I just haven’t found her yet” or “Not to worry, I’m still in my 30’s…” But I’d be lying to myself. I know those aren’t my problems. Two of my ex girlfriends were completely right for me. But I sabotaged those relationships…
No, I know what I’m doing wrong.
The idea of fully surrendering to being loved by someone I love is terrifying to me. In fact, it’s so frightening that I can’t even do it. But at the same time, there’s nothing I want more. This leaves me suspended in an un-winnable emotional tug of war.
It’s easier for me to hide in plain site behind a mesmerizing veneer of charm, success, and sex, than it is to admit that I’m broken. And if I squint, and the light hits just right, I can almost convince myself that there’s nothing wrong.
I Finally Felt Enough Pain
Most people never feel enough pain to actually make a change. Instead, they make the same mistake over and over and over until they die. If the pain starts to get too intense, they numb themselves with beer or TV or busyness or hedonism or drama.
Fortunately for me, I’m not one of those guys. A few weeks ago, the pain of feeling unlovable finally became too much for me to bear.
Jamie was the first girl in two years that I could feel myself falling for. She’s beautiful, put together, thoughtful, successful, and dangerously feminine.
We’re back at my place, drinking wine, making dinner, and talking about nothing in particular. We’d been dating for about a month.
She interrupts me mid conversation, saying, “I’m so sorry. Can you sit down? I’ve been terribly disingenuous. I like you. I really do. And I should be attracted to you. I want to be attracted to you. And if I’m being honest, part of me is tempted just to use you. But I can’t do that. The truth is, I’m not attracted to you. When we kiss, it feels forced. This isn’t working for me. I’d like to be your friend though, I really would.”
I was wrecked. Part of me wishes she did use me. It would have been nice to pretend for a while.
When Jamie left me, it hurt too much. The pain made me resolve to finally (finally!) fix myself.
I could spend my time reading self-help books, and hiring unqualified but dazzling “life coaches” to teach me how to let love in. But doing that is just another clever way of lying to myself; it’s a form of pretending to do the hard work, without actually doing it.
So I’m going to do the exact thing I’ve been terrified of for the past 15 years: first, I’m going to be completely single for a while. No dates, no sex, and if I can help it, no flirting. I’ve told my guy friends that I’ll need help with this (hence Matt telling me that I need more self-respect as I’m busy undressing Tara in my mind).
Second, I’m going to find a really good therapist. I’ll do my best to show up as honestly, vulnerably, and as openly as I can. I’m going to work with him until the parts of me that are broken, are finally fixed.
It’s hard to explain just how frightening all of this is to me. But if I’m being honest, continuing to lead this flashy – but ultimately vapid and isolating lifestyle – is even more frightening.
And Since I Know You’re Wondering…
This article wouldn’t be complete if I didn’t let you in on my secret to being “good” with women. In fact, it’s pretty simple. Are you ready?
I give a shit about people.
I respect them. I’m slow to express judgment and quick to ask questions. I remember details (and those I’m likely to forget I write down). I’m cool with vulnerability (well, to a point…). I generally assume the best of others and want well for them. When I flirt, I make it obvious. If she flirts back, I’ll wait until we’re alone, and make a move. If she rejects my advances, or needs to slow down, I’ll respect her boundaries without hesitation.
It helps that I’m somewhat successful and good-looking, but those things are less important than you think.
What most men who struggle to get laid fail to understand is that we’re hard wired for sex and connection. Our bodies are literally designed for it. In most cases, all you need to do is lead, listen, stay respectful, and get out of your own way.
But when you do figure it out, and you’ve bedded more beautiful women than you can count, don’t be surprised when you end up feeling lonely as hell. Because no amount of sex with will ever be able to replace the true intimacy we all quietly yearn for.
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By Jonathan Ryker
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