Every day in my journal for the past few months I have been answering a series of questions that forces me to get uncomfortably honest with myself.
Between the completion of a significant romantic relationship, losing a close friend unexpectedly, and many other life changes, I have been having a challenging year, but these four questions have become my north star. They have helped to guide me even on my darkest days. These questions are like the super-loving, no-bullshit friend who is willing to tell you like it is, day after day.
I highly recommend giving them a shot.
Here they are.
1. What the fuck do I want?
2. What bullshit am I putting up with that I need to cut out of my life?
3. What the fuck do I know that I need to do?
4. How can I honour myself more fully starting right now?
Let’s break these down slightly, and dig into why each of them is so powerful.
What the fuck do I want?
This is the seed. Every situation in our lives ultimately comes back to this.
What the fuck do you want? Honestly. Let go of all of the societal/parental/cultural expectations for one minute and admit to yourself what you truly want.
Do you want to change careers? Do you want to have children? Do you want to end your relationship? Do you want to start expecting more of yourself and feel more in alignment with your personal integrity, whatever that means to you? Do you want to live with your friends in the forest? Do you want to be polyamorous? Do you want to be a stay at home mom/dad? Do you want to get in the best shape of your life?
Admit it to yourself. Allow this question to drag it out of you.
And you can’t cop out and just write “What do I want?” because that isn’t the question. There’s more immediacy and force behind “What the fuck do I want?” You can’t hide from it. The question knows all of your deepest, darkest secrets… and it won’t settle until it has revealed them all.
You already know what you want. Your mental treasure is already sitting in the corner of your attic. This question is the high-powered flashlight that illuminates the truth of your desires.
What bullshit am I putting up with that I need to cut out of my life?
No is a powerful word.
In an instant, the word no can change the course of your entire life.
As in, “No, I don’t want to be a lawyer after all.”
Or, “No, you can’t hit me ever again. I’m leaving you for good.”
Or, “No, I’m not okay with wheezing for air every time I climb that stair case. It’s time to make a shift in my lifestyle.”
What bullshit are you putting up with that you know that you need to cut out of your life?
You’re allowed to say no to it. No matter what it is. I know people who have successfully cut ties from their toxic/abusive family members because it was necessary for them to live their lives. I know people who have changed career paths after the age of 60 and had an amazing time doing it. So stop putting so much energy towards selling yourself on false stories. It’s all possible.
You’re allowed to cut out anything that feels like it needs to be cut out. You have full permission. And you deserve the peace of mind that lives on the other side of your “No.”
What the fuck do I know that I need to do?
Similar to the last question, but in a more proactive framing.
If you know what you want and you know what you need to say no to, it’s time to start deciding on what you’re going to say yes to.
Yes, I’m going to pursue my dream job.
Yes, I’m going to ask them to marry me.
Yes, I’m going to pick up that new hobby that I’ve been fantasizing about doing for years.
You know that you need to do it… so go forth and conquer.
How can I honour myself more fully starting right now?
All of the aforementioned questions are ultimately about honouring yourself. But just in case you need it to be pulled out of you in a different way… how can you start honouring yourself more fully starting today?
This question brings immediacy to the table.
What can you do starting RIGHT… NOW to honour yourself more? If only 5% more. Start small, but start.
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Give them a shot. See what falls out on the page/screen. It might just change the direction of your life for the better.
This article originally appeared on www.jordangrayconsulting.com
Read More By Jordan Gray on the ManTalks Blog
I Believe in Loving Like You Give a Shit
7 Things All Men Need In a Relationship
6 Ways To Save Your Struggling Relationship
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Jordan Gray is a sex and relationship coach, an author, and a blogger. He helps people around the world have the most deeply fulfilling love lives possible.
Jordan is a past speaker on the ManTalks stage and fellow resident of beautiful Vancouver.
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