How Vulnerable Sharing Can Heal a Hardened Heart

“I told him I hated him and that everything he does annoys me and pisses me off!”
My client shared this with me.
I could see her entire body contract, tighten up, and her face take on a hardened look.
She had come to me struggling in her marriage of four years, desperately desiring intimacy and closeness with her partner, yet feeling a big, tangible distance between herself and her partner.
As her relationship and intimacy coach, she wanted my help in learning how to bring him closer to her and ignite passion and love between them again. So, after hearing her say this to me in our first session, I knew I had to spend some time here with her on this.
Gio: “So how do you feel about that?”
Client: “Well, I’m proud of myself for sharing my truth! I’m being authentic! I can’t lie, that was my truth. If he can’t receive my truth, then he is misunderstanding me, I don’t mean to hurt him. He should see I don’t mean to hurt him.”
Gio: “So when your father would tell you his truth, about how he felt about you, was it your fault for misunderstanding him?”
(Her father was verbally abusive, shaming her, shutting her down.)
Client: Silence.
Gio: “I can’t imagine how much pain you were in at that moment, can we explore and see if that is really your truth anyway?
Client: “Yes.”
Gio: “What was so annoying about him in that moment?”
Client: “That he doesn’t step up as a man, and that he is always so happy, like HE has NO problems in the world, while I am here…feeling so much inside.”
Gio: “And how does that make you feel?”
Client: “I don’t know, angry, alone.”
Gio: “You want him to see you and he isn’t and yes that is painful- we want out partners to see us… but the truth is you weren’t letting him see you. Do you know why that is?”
Client: “No.” (feeling sad)
Gio: “Because you are ashamed of how you feel. What were you angry about at that moment?”
Client: (Thinks, pauses, feels) “I was angry because well….everyday I wake up depressed, and he doesn’t see it. I am sad.”
Gio: “And you feel deeply ashamed for being depressed right? You are scared he won’t want you if he knows, so instead…. you fight with him, you project your fear and the anger outward onto him.”
“Do you see that you weren’t actually telling him the truth? You actually weren’t being authentic?”
Client: (silence)
Gio: “When you feel shame for being depressed, you are actually making your truth wrong. Do you see how you make him wrong, because you are making yourself wrong?”
Client: (Tears) “Yes.”
Gio: “How do you think he felt those words?”
Client: (Tears) “Like I did when my father spoke those words to me.”
Gio: “How about I help you to know how to share this with him so he can see you and you can give him a chance to step up?”
One of our strongest needs in relationship is to be seen by our partner. If there is one place we want to stop hiding, it is in the emotional safety created in our intimate relationship, which is supposed to feel like “home.”
However, to be seen, what we seldom realize is that we have to let ourselves be seen.  That is what authenticity is – allowing our true self to be seen by those we love the most.
The beauty of authenticity is that it is a gift to ourselves. When we are hiding, we also hide from the love coming towards us — and aren’t able to truly receive it.
This leaves us feeling disconnected, and the symptoms eventually surface and over time only get worse, symptoms such as depression, anxiety, sadness, anger, frustration, addiction and even rage.
By diving deeply into developing intimacy with herself, my client touched on the true authentic part of herself and from that point I began coaching her into creating that same emotional safety with her man, and it worked beautifully.
She began opening her heart to him and he began responding, coming closer to her and sharing his own heart with her.
Learning how to bring emotional safety into our relationships is one of the most foundational tools we need to learn for relationship longevity.
Emotional safety creates the bridge through which your needs and your partner’s needs are met, where you meet each other.
Read more by Giordana Toccaceli on the ManTalks Blog:
How Masculine Men Protect Women’s Feminine Energy
Why Women Stay In Relationships With Emotionally Unavailable Men
When Your Partner Isn’t Attracted To You Anymore