Mindset

Wind extinguishes a candle and energizes fire. Likewise with randomness, uncertainty, chaos: you want to use them, not hide from them. You want to be the fire and wish for the wind. – Nassim Taleb

Hell of a line, isn’t it? This is from Nassim’s book, Antifragile: Things That Gain From Disorder. 

Most of life is definitely not grounded in certainty—it seems especially so lately, as much as we don’t want to admit it. I’ll use my own life as an example.

Right after I finished the first draft of my book back in 2021, I sent the manuscript to my editor and was riding high. The home I was building with my wife was moving forward on schedule, my son was being the ball of awesomeness that he usually is. It was a busy but fantastic day.

And then, my family called to let me know my mom was ill. Severely. I won’t go into details, but suffice to say I was very suddenly confronted with a universe of things I did not and could not know. 

When can I see her? Will I be able to with the pandemic? Will it be months or years before she’s gone? Will my son get a chance to meet her? This one phone call created a damn legion of questions about her, me, life, God, you name it.

And I couldn’t answer any of them. I just didn’t know. What is this uncertainty teaching me, if anything?

A lot, turns out.

It’s almost like there’s a math equation baked into all of us: the more uncertainty you’re willing to face and embrace, the more resiliency and rewards you’re able to reap.

The quality of your mind, life, relationships, well-being, and so many others things are determined and influenced by your willingness and capacity to face the unknown and face uncertainty.

And by face uncertainty, I absolutely do not mean “make the unknown known” or trying to sneak your way back into certainty. To paraphrase Stephen Jenkinson, you have to let your lack of understanding become the rest of your understanding.

How To Develop Your Capacity For Uncertainty

Step One: Get clear on what you are unsure of. By reflecting and admitting to yourself the things you don’t or can’t know, you can start to be with the emotions and ramifications that come with those things. 

Again, using my own life as an example: if I ignored the uncertainty of if/when my mom would get better, I would wind up letting go of the choices I want to make in the face of that uncertainty. 

Step Two: Define what uncertainty is revealing to you. It’s almost always teaching you what you need to be present to. Oftentimes it’s grief or fear, but it can also be clarity and direction because you’re no longer clinging to what “should” or “needs to” happen. Your mind and heart become more flexible, more present, and humble.

Step Three: Take action on what’s been revealed. And it sounds counterintuitive, but maybe that action is simply accepting a certain situation. Maybe it’s taking time to meditate on a specific fear, anger, or frustration; WHY is it there? What is it trying to say?

In my case, embracing uncertainty taught me to love my mom where she was and how she needed to be loved, versus what I wanted or felt should happen.

And to this day, it is still informing me on what to meditate about, what to talk about, and even how I approach the topic of uncertainty with clients.

So take a step back. Hit the pause button on “solving” for uncertainty, and try out the above steps. You may be surprised at what gets revealed.

There’s a reason “how do you feel about that?” is THE stereotypical question therapists ask a patient lounging on their couch.

And at least is the stereotype, the patient always has a paragraph worth of insights on his own feelings.

If only things were that simple.

I want to offer a way of reframing this question because I find men, in particular, get asked this a lot by therapists. To be clear, it’s a good question and well-intended, but for many men it can be difficult to answer at best—downright annoying at worst.

There are several reasons for this, but it’s mainly because the amount of raw data behind a question like “What are you feeling right now?” can be quite low or hard to parse.

See, what you’re able to identify as “feeling” depends a lot on where you are—both in the moment and in your journey overall. For example, if you’re just starting to look within for answers or connect with your shadow, you may not feel anything—even though it’s clear to others you’re reacting to something.

Or, there can be a disconnect between articulating what you’re feeling and the feeling itself. You might be able to give you a 10-minute monologue about what you’re feeling in your head, but the second you’re asked about it, all you’ve got is “I feel angry”. People with ADHD can have an extra difficult time with this.

So how do you reframe this into something you can talk about? Can answer? Not just for your partner or a family member, but for yourself? Aka, how do you take an “emotional inventory” of yourself?

It starts simple: changing the feeling to experiencing. It is a simple change, but it allows you to bridge the gaps between physical, mental, emotional, cultural, and environmental aspects of yourself. These all have a part to play in what you’re “feeling”, and there is always vital information hidden within.

It also allows you to look at what’s being experienced as a symptom of (or reaction to) something. From there, you can create a space that offers a conscious response to something versus an unconscious one. 

Aka, it allows you to take inventory of your reactivity. So with that in mind, use the following prompts as reflection material and to connect aspects of your experience together. 

Part 1

• This week/month, I got the angriest/ashamed/whatever when…
• I was in/at ______ when it happened (e.g. at home, on social media, etc.)
• I felt the most out of control when/during…
• Where I experienced these in my body was…

Part 2

• What I felt afterward was…
• And where I felt that was…
• Growing up, I was taught that that feeling was…

Part 3

Like I’ve implied above, try re-using the prompts for other emotions. Switch anger out for sadness or grief or joy, and apply them accordingly. And finally, the juicy part: reflect on how experiences may be connected. 

For example, you got the angriest one day on social media, you experienced it in your chest, you felt guilt afterwards, it made your arms feel heavy, and you were taught that anger towards others is always wrong. You now have a ton of dots to connect.