Archives for January 2016

How to Actually Stop Procrastinating in Five Simple Steps

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Pretty much everything you’ve ever read about fixing procrastination will invariably make you miserable.
The people giving advice have good intentions, I’m sure.  But most procrastination tips are terribly flawed.
This is particularly true of habits and morning rituals.  And yet, these are two of the most popular anti-procrastination approaches.
In this article, I’ll show you why the typical approaches won’t work and will also make you unhappy.  Better yet, I’ll show you a more effective and blissful way to beat procrastination.
First…

How Procrastination Ruined My Love Life

When I was 16, I had a huge crush on one of my best friends (not the best idea to begin with).
One day, she invited me to go see a movie with her and her girlfriend. Um…yes.  I began imagining all the amazing ways this could turn out, but that’s a different story.
She was going to call and let me know what time they were leaving…
So I told my mom, who said fine, BUT, that I still hadn’t cut the grass in our yard.  I’d been procrastinating for about a week.  I could go to the movie so long as I cut the grass first.
No problem.
I raced outside to cut our grass as fast as possible.  Forty-five minutes later, I ran back inside, sweaty and exhausted.
And then my mom told me that my friend had called…  
Cute little boy emotionally talking on the phoneI hit speed dial (this was way back in the day, and yes, I had her on speed dial).  Her mom answered and told me that they’d already left about 30 minutes ago.
The next few minutes involved a lot of falling on the floor and a lot of general anguish.  Laugh if you want, but nothing could have made me hate procrastination more than that.
Since then, I’ve been fighting procrastination every day of my life. I pulled all-nighters in school.  I’ve replied to emails 2 years late.  I’ve procrastinated at everything.
And every day, I’ve tried to be better.
It’s the same for you and everyone else.  You also want to be better in some way.  It’s the reason you try to stop procrastinating.
You want to earn more money.  You want to be a better parent or partner.  You want to be more successful.  You want to be happier.
But here’s the catch…

You Don’t Need to Be Better…

You don’t actually need to be better, as crazy as it might sound.  You don’t need to achieve more.  You don’t even need to grow or improve.
This goes against almost everything you read or hear these days.  Growth and improvement are proclaimed as the keys to happiness, success, and fulfillment.
Everybody is talking about “better” ways to do things…
How to build habits.  How to stay focused.  How to be a better person. How to set authentic goals.  How to be happier.  How to be a better friend, parent, or version of yourself.
It all sounds so noble and admirable.  After all, who wouldn’t want to be a better version of yourself?  And who wouldn’t want to be happier?
But there’s a dark side to always trying to be better.  And as Yoda has taught us, the dark side is quite tempting.
Take for instance…

The Plague of Habits and Morning Rituals

Over the past couple years, habits and morning rituals have become HUGELY popular.  They’re particularly popular as ways to beat procrastination.
I understand the excitement.  Back in 2008, I jumped on the bandwagon and started building habits.  I built a workout habit, a habit of writing, a habit of gratitude, and many others.
Then I created a morning ritual.  I woke up early every morning to journal, exercise, meditate, and to do the most important tasks of the day.  After all, it’s what successful people do, right?
Perhaps.  But there’s something you’re missing…
You only build habits and morning rituals for things you don’t really want to do.
When you were a kid, did you need to build a habit to play your favorite games?  Did you need a morning routine to get out of bed on your birthday, Christmas, or other holidays?
Businessman chained to a large ball
Of course not.  You didn’t procrastinate on those things because you wanted to do them.  It’s the same reason you don’t procrastinate on sex or dessert.

Why You Actually Procrastinate

There’s only one possible reason you procrastinate…
You don’t want to do something.  Or, at least, you’d prefer to do something else.
You can try to complicate the issue, but that’s what procrastination boils down to.
So if you want to beat procrastination, you have 3 options:

  1. You can force yourself to do something you don’t want to do.
  2. You can make yourself like something you don’t like.
  3. You can stop doing things you don’t want to doand do something that you actually like.

The majority of people take approach #1.  You try to be stronger and have more willpower.  You don’t want to go to your job or work on your business, but no problem…you just power through it.
Some folks try approach #2.  You post goals on your wall or use NLP techniques to motivate yourself.  Maybe if you repeat enough affirmations, then you’ll enjoy working hard, right?
Hand with marker writing: What Do You Want More In Your Life?Pretty much nobody takes approach #3.  Doing what you like is (surprisingly) the hardest and scariest approach.  But I want to offer you this possibility…
Approach #3 is the most authentic and most effective approach.
And if you take this approach, you might also regain your happiness, passion, and sanity.  But it’s not easy…

How to Truly Stop Procrastinating

The Entire Answer: Stop doing things you don’t want to do. Start doing things you actually like.
Or think of it like this:
Do what gives you energy.
Stop doing what makes you tired.
Doing this is a lot more practical than you might believe.  But, like most people, you have objections to doing what you want.  Here are the most common objections (especially the last one):

  • “But I have bills to pay.”
  • “I don’t know what I really want to do.”
  • “If I do what I want, then I’ll watch TV, have sex, and eat junk food all day.”

You’ve convinced yourself that you must do certain things.  It’s almost never true.
If you do what you want, would you just waste time and sit on the couch?
Maybe.  You might waste time at first.  You might overindulge.
But the reason you would do those things is to escape.  You’re trying to escape from a life that you don’t want.
You’ve trapped yourself inside a battle going on in your head…

You’ve Got to Get Out of Your Head…

Procrastination starts in your head.  But you can’t think your way out of something you thought your way into.  So ending procrastination means getting out of your head.
To do that, you first need to understand how the battle in your head works.
There are 7 Phases of Procrastination:
Phase #1: You Feel Inadequate
These feelings are often hidden.  You may not be aware that you even feel this way.   But emotions drive almost everything you feel or do, and inadequacy is particularly strong.
You feel like you aren’t smart enough, successful enough, pretty enough, or popular enough.  In some way, you aren’t enough.  And you likely feel inadequate in many ways.  But one might be stronger than the others.
This is NOT a rational decision to feel not good enough.  It doesn’t matter if what you feel bad about is true or not.
Your inadequacy first started when you were a kid.  In some way, you felt unloved or insufficient.  Again, it’s not because it was true – we all feel this way at times.
Whatever it is, inadequacy is painful, so your brain tries to repress this feeling.  It’s pushed so far back in your brain that you don’t realize it’s there (unless you do a lot of digging).
Phase #2: You Try to Fix/Improve Yourself
This is the story of your entire life.  You try to be smarter.  You try to be more popular. You try to be richer or more successful.  You try to be funnier.  You try to be more caring and giving.  You try to be nicer.
The way you try to be better doesn’t matter.  The goal is the same.  You want to feel like you’re good enough.  You want to feel at peace.
When you do improve, you feel a little bit better.  You get praised or applauded, and you feel better for a time.  But it doesn’t last.
You believe that being better might fix the shame and inadequacy that you feel.  It never works.
Still,  you can’t stop trying to be better.  If you do, you’ll be forced to feel the initial shame and inadequacy.  That’s terrifying.  So…
Phase #3: You Forget What You Actually Want
You have no idea what you want.  Almost nobody does.  Stick with me here…
Your drive to be better is so strong that you act out of patterns and habits, not out of choice.
For example, you might actually want to raise a family in a small house in the country.  Or you might want to play music all day.
But you don’t feel smart enough or successful enough.  And along the way, you’ve been praised for your career or business success.  Each time you got a little bit smarter or more successful, you temporarily felt better.
So your brain responds by creating patterns to keep you moving in that direction.  And you start to believe that you want to be more successful at your job or business.
That’s just an example.  The point is this…
The majority of how you act and feel is not what you want.  It’s all just patterns to protect you.  (Below, I’ll show you how to rediscover what you want.)
Phase #4: You Do Things You Don’t Want To
Because you think being better will make you happy, you try to work harder.  You try to improve yourself.  You try to become the “best version of yourself.”  You build businesses and relationships with successful people.
But you don’t want these things – not deep down.  So…
Phase #5: You Procrastinate
You’re stuck in an endless cycle of trying to feel better by doing things you don’t want to do.
These activities don’t energize you.  After all, how could they?  The only reason you do them is because you don’t feel good enough to begin with.
So when you build a business or when you try to work harder, you’re reminded that you’re not yet good enough.  You try to become more likable and popular, but it’s just never enough.
The result is that you procrastinate.  You don’t get energy from doing these things, so you put off doing them.
You feel like you need to do these things, but you don’t want to. You beat yourself up for being lazy, and then finally…
Phase #6: You Try to Stop Procrastinating with Silly Tricks
You try to form habits.  You start a morning ritual.  You work with Pomodoros.  You make lists of your most important tasks for the day. You join an accountability group.
Any of that sound familiar?  I’ve done it all and more.
Sometimes these things work (see Phase #7 below).  Many times they don’t, though.  That’sNia mostrando sonrisa because your subconscious mind knows that these things won’t fulfill you.
Procrastination is hard to break because it’s an important sign for your life.  Your body and mind are screaming at you not to do something.  The question is whether you’ll listen.
Phase #7: Even if You Stop Procrastinating, You’re Miserable
Here’s the thing.  Phase #6 works.  You can force yourself to do things you don’t want to do.
Depending on your pain tolerance, you might be able to do that your entire life.  But there’s a price.
You’ll never be authentically happy or at peace.
You know this deep down, but you might not be willing to admit it.  If you’re always trying to be better, then it’s because you always feel not good enough. And if that’s how you feel, you can’t possibly feel true happiness or peace.
Understanding the battle in your head is just the first step.  You also need to take action…

Follow Your Bliss: Moving Backwards to Do What You Love

You need to do two things. You need to move backwards.  And you need to follow your bliss.
Most of the time, you’re looking for new ways to beat procrastination. For real results, you need to slow down and move the opposite direction.
If you take time to understand the battle in your head (above), then this is simple (but not easy):
Step #1: Cut out the silly new hacks and tricks (see Phase #6 above)
If you’re reading this article, then those hacks and tricks haven’t worked for you.  You’re still procrastinating.  And even if one does eventually work, you’ll be miserable doing things you hate.
Action: Stop looking for and trying anti-procrastination hacks.  You can do this bit-by-bit if you need.  Cut out one hack/trick at a time.
Step #2: Stop worrying that you procrastinate (see Phase #5 above)
Procrastination is not the problem.  It’s just a symptom of the problem.  More than that, it’s a sign that you’re headed the wrong direction.  It’s your intuition and soul yelling at you to stop.
Action: Don’t ask “how” to do this.  Just do it.  Asking “how” is a diversion tactic. That doesn’t mean it will happen immediately, but just commit to stop worrying.
Step #3: Stop doing things you don’t want to do (see Phase #4 above)
You can do this little-by-little.  Start paying close attention in your day-to-day life.  What makes you tired or drains your energy?  Follow your gut.  Start by cutting out small things.
Derek Sivers wrote a great article about this 8 years ago.
Then move on to bigger things, like your job, business, relationships, or where you live.
Step #3 is scary.  What happens if you stop trying so hard?  Will your life fall apart?  Will you lose your drive and ambition?
Maybe (to all those things).
I have this conversation with a lot of people.  For most people, losing their drive and ambition is terrifying.  So I ask them why they need drive and ambition.  The most common answer I get is…
You feel happiest when you’re growing and improving.
But why is your happiness dependent on growth and improvement?  (It’s because you don’t already feel good enough.)
You don’t worry if your hair is growing or improving (unless you’re bald or going bald).
Do you worry if your fingernails are growing and improving?  Of course not.  You believe that they’ve grown enough and are good enough already.
But not you.  You need to grow and improve.  You don’t have enough money.  You’re not happy enough.  You don’t have the perfect relationship.  You’re not nice enough to the people around you.
You’ve convinced yourself that being better is your path to happiness.  So it’s scary to stop doing these things that might make you better.
But nothing you’re chasing will ever make you good enough. As long as you’re chasing improvement and growth, you’re just distracting yourself.
Action: If something makes you tired or drains your energy, stop doing it.  Slow down and do less.  Stop draining activities one at a time.  Say no more often.
Step #4: Discover what you actually want (see Phase #3 above)
Important Note: You can’t skip Step #3.  You need to cut things out of your life before you add new things in.
Start by saying “no” to things that drain your energy or make you tired.  Then, start adding in activities that you think will give you energy.
You might be right or wrong about which activities you like.  You might try an activity and find that it also drains your energy.  It doesn’t matter.  You’re exploring.
Action: Do new activities.  Start with things you loved as a kid.  If it gives you energy, then do more of it.  Don’t look for a reason.  Just follow your bliss.
Step #5: Be Patient and Be Compassionate
If you follow Steps 1-4, procrastination will disappear almost entirely.  But it takes a while.
You won’t want to be patient – this is because you’ll still have the urge to be better.  But that impatience is a guide.  Whenever you feel the need to improve yourself or be better in some way, stop and notice it.
Most of all, begin to develop self-compassion.  By doing more of what you like and less of what you don’t, you’ll stop procrastinating.  But you’ll also be more aware of your perceived inadequacies.
When you notice that you feel not good enough in some way, just acknowledge it.  Sit with that feeling instead of trying to fix it.
Here’s what will happen if you do that…

Following Your Bliss Will Not Only Stop Procrastination.  It Will Also Open Up a Universe of Possibilities

Following your bliss is a phrase that I stole from the great Joseph Campbell.  It’s the single best approach for ending procrastination.  It takes guts and courage, but the results are more than you could hope for.
Here’s what Joseph Campbell has to say about it:
“…if you do follow your bliss you put yourself on a kind of track that has been there all the while, waiting for you, and the life that you ought to be living is the one you are living. When you can see that, you begin to meet people who are in your field of bliss, and they open doors to you. I say, follow your bliss and don’t be afraid, and doors will open where you didn’t know they were going to be.”
You have two options:

  1.  You can keep trying to force yourself to do things that drain your energy; or
  2.  You can follow your bliss and do things you love doing.

The first option might eventually work, but at what price?
The second option is tougher, but it’s 100% certain to make your life a little bit more enjoyable.  Your choice.

Now…Let’s See Your Courage

If you want to make progress right now, then step up and answer this question:
What are you most afraid will happen if you don’t keep pushing yourself?
Be honest with yourself, at least.  In what way do you not feel good enough?
And if you’re feeling very brave, let us know in the comments below what you’re afraid of.  Also, let us know one thing that drains your energy that you’re going to stop doing.
jeremy-headshot2Jeremy Hendon has founded a few businesses, sold one of them, and calls himself an author and speaker. Mostly, he tries to help folks live a life they love. You can check him out at JeremyHendon.com, on Snapchat (@JMHendon), or on Twitter/Periscope (@JMHendon).
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Discovering Your Story with Zander Robertson

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Zander RobertsonEpisode: 027

Discovering Your Story with Zander Robertson

Introduction:
Zander is a writing coach and a ghost writer. He helps his clients bring out their best stories to better serve and help their audience. Zander speaks on how someone can discover their own story, refine it, and write it in a way that benefits others. Zander is also a father of two and talks about the kind of legacy he wants to leave behind.
ManTalks Podcast on iTunes
Listen to it on iTunes
Mantalks Stitcher podcast
Listen to it on Stitcher
 
Key Takeaways:
[1:30] Please help us out by reviewing us on iTunes.
[2:20] What does Zander do?
[4:00] What is a ghost writer?
[8:10] How can someone refine their own story?
[15:35] Ask yourself: What were your defining moments last year?
[17:30] What happened in your life that really shifted/changed you?
[20:30] Take small steps. Start a journal.
[24:25] The way you tell your story needs to help the reader.
[29:00] How does Zander define success?
[34:25] Don’t visualize it, do it!
[40:00] Zander recommends The War of Art by Steven Pressfield
[47:30] What kind of challenges do men face today?
[50:05] Zander loves being a dad, but it’s also the hardest thing to do.
[53:40] If Zander could leave one legacy in the world, what would it be?

Mentioned in This Episode:
The Truth by Neil Strauss
The War of Art by Steven Pressfield
Gates of Fire by Steven Pressfield

 
Music Credit:
J Parlange & Latenite Automatic (jesusparlange.com – lateniteautomatic.com)
 

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"Daddy, Your Boobs Are Getting Bigger" [and Other Fatherhood Moments]

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The Bizzare Joys of Fatherhood

IMAGE-1-LUTZ
This was quite possibly the single greatest thing my daughter could have ever said to me – I’ll explain why in a moment. It was a fatherhood moment I’ll never forget.
But first, allow me to take a bit of a detour and discuss this gem of a photo
When I first saw this photo on Facebook a few years ago, it was being shared and passed around faster than a virus at the living petri dish that is my kid’s school.
IMAGE-2-LUTZ
The headline that rode shotgun with that photo was, “I Know a Good Dad When I See One.”
And upon seeing it, I had mixed emotions.
First I thought, “Man, why can’t more parents be cool like that? That guy is awesome!”
Then, “Why don’t I do that shit? Wait, when did I stop being cool?”
And finally, “Who does that ass-clown think he is? He’s just trying to show up the rest of us dad’s out there like me who are too damn tired after working a full day to do anything more than let the television tell the kids their bedtime story, and pray to everything that is holy I don’t lose paper, rock, scissors on tucking the ‘needy’ kid in. She needs all 10 My Little Ponies (Don’t even think about forgetting about Pinky Pie), a glass of fresh water with crushed ice, a heating pad for her knees, and last but certainly not least, she’ll require you to listen to 17 different things she just happens to remember as you’re trying to close the door and lock her down for the night.”
Buuuuut I digress.
The fact of the matter is this photo of the cute kid and his show-off dad did, in fact, ignite something deep inside me. It made me realize that I actually WANT to be my kids’ hero. I want them to enjoy ripping it up and raising a little hell with their old man. I want them to look forward to hanging out with me. I want them to miss me when I’m gone. And yes, I even want to wear silly outfits together … in public. But I would never wear a cape – more on that later.
In order to become my kids’ hero, I knew some changes needed to happen. Just like any superhero accepting their new identity and learning their new powers, I knew there would be a learning curve.
Day 1 of Becoming ‘Superdad’.
I loaded the kids into the little buggy-pod-thingy (technical term alert) attached to the back of my bike and headed to the park to get some bonding in. After I caught my breath from towing those little meatballs damn near 8 blocks, and after the sweat rolling down my back seeking refuge in the crack betwixt my also sweating butt cheeks had mostly dried, I decided to join in the fun.
Within less than three minutes of playing together, I was told by my 4-year old daughter, Lily, who apparently was elected to speak on the behalf of both kids that, “We’re bored… and it sure is sweaty out here”.
No doubt, this was a dig at me.
It was time to move to phase 2 of this father-kid super mission: Ice Cream!
I re-loaded the now hot, irritable, and somehow heavier meatballs back into the buggy and began our trek back home.
Enter: crying, fighting, whining, Superdad threatening “no ice cream”, a short-lived silence, aaaaaaand repeat.
Finally, we made it back home. Time to take the kids out of the buggy and into the van. Easy enough one would think, right? Especially for Superdad.
“I need water!”
“Me too, daddy!”
Think, man, think.
But there were no other options. Any half-full old water bottles in the van were most-likely the temperature of molten lava, and I didn’t see any puddles in the street. Dammit.
So I unlocked the front door and headed into the house to get the water when, as if in slow motion with the Godfather theme song playing in the background, I saw my wife’s trusty rescue dog, Frenchy make a beeline for it, as my well-trained chihuahua, Chico, watched on in disgust from inside the house where I believe I saw him mouth the words, “he gawn” … but I can’t be fully certain about that.
For a split second, I thought, “Meh… he was an okay dog, my wife will probably miss him” (don’t judge).
But then I questioned, “What would Superdad do”?
Random Superdad Tip: Make sure you strap the kids into the van BEFORE chasing a runaway dog.
After 10 minutes of a super lively game of ‘keep away from the super-sweaty-heavily-breathing-and-wheezing guy’, where the dad tries desperately to catch three randomly moving objects in front of laughing neighbors, I finally seemed to get things under control. Now I’ve never tried to herd goats before, but I’d imagine this is kind of what it’s like.
Finally, Frenchy was safely resting in the house inside his crate, or as I like to refer to it in times like these, the sin bin, the kids were strapped in the van, I filled up and handed out some water glasses and put the van in reverse to pull out of the driveway, when I heard a VERY disgusted voice from the backseat, “ummm, there’s no ice in this water.”
After some slick negotiating where I pointed out that there was really no need for “ice”, since we were getting “ice cream”, and a few other solid arguments along those lines, I found myself saying hello to Frenchy as I walked by his crate and into the kitchen to get the ice … crushed, of course.
Okay, ice cream time.
This actually went smoothly, with the exception that my son Declan finished all of his ice cream (that which didn’t find itself on his face, hair, shirt, shorts, socks, shoes, underwear (how?!), carseat, and the seatbelt) before we even made three blocks from the parlor, and had then set his eyes on his sister’s.
And since he’s 2 years old, his reasoning skills are outstanding. Impeccable one might even say. I simply explained the situation and was met with perfect understanding. (Please note, this is sarcasm).
RANDOM QUESTION: Is it just me, or do other parents out there take a quick peek at the clock every 13 seconds, give or take, to see if it’s naptime yet?
Anyhow, after a couple more tantrums, it was finally nap time…which for some damn reason always comes as a surprise to my kids. Every day without exception my kids take naps. And every day, without exception, it’s a HUGE surprise! But I suppose that’s a chestnut to crack on another day.
Shhhhh, the kids were finally asleep. I collapse onto the couch, give the dogs that “shhhhhh, so help me if you wake them up glare,” look around the house and wonder why it appeared as if an F6 tornado violently ripped through our house (when in fact, it was actually 3 different destructive vortexes: 2 kids and a dog), and think to myself, “Meh, I’ll clean it later”.
FAST FORWARD: It was midnight and I heard a loud thump come from my daughter’s room. Now, most men would continue to lay there with their eyes closed playing “parent chicken” to see who would lay there the longest before the guilt kicked in and one of the parents finally gave in (or, so I hear anyhow). But not while Superdad was on duty.
I leapt out of bed in a single bound, ran into my daughter’s room faster than a speeding bullet, kicked open the door, as and my daughter just stared at me for a second with a look of genuine concern on her face.
There I stood, half-naked, breathing heavy, one eye crusted shut, barely awake and mumbling yoda-esque gibberish at her, “big boom, I heard… from your room, it came.”
My daughter looked down on the ground, then back up at me, and said, “Will you pick my dolly up off the ground?”
“Sure little girl, Superdad will save your dolly.”
“Thank you, daddy.”
“All in a day’s work, ma’am.”
I started to leave her room and lock her down for the night yet again, when…
“Oh, daddy, I have to tell you something.”
“Yes, my precious daughter.”
“Your boobies are getting bigger.”
That … was … the exact moment I realized I needed to start capturing and sharing some of these little memories. 

The cliché is true, they really do grow up so fast. That was nearly three years ago, but it’s the stuff I remember the most. I don’t want to forget all of these silly little things my kids say or do that make me love being their father so much.
The reality is, being their dad is one of the most frustrating, hair-pulling, thankless and exhausting jobs on the face of this planet… and I wouldn’t trade it for all the beers in Ireland.
ABOUT SUPERHERO CAPES:
Not to keep harping on that photo of the daddy-son crime-fighting duo, but I thought I would point out a couple more things:
1) A superhero doesn’t reveal their identity in public. Just saying.
2) As any parent who has watched The Incredibles 873 times can tell you, a cape can get a superhero killed. So this Superdad is going to go sans cape. And for all you parents who have somehow avoided watching this movie, please at the very least watch the following clip. You life could depend on it:

FINAL NOTE: This story was just the tip of the iceberg in Matthew Lutz’s parenting adventures. If you want more, follow him on Facebook. If you’re completely satisfied with just the tip, Matt won’t be offended, and there’s no need to click the button to “Follow Matthew Lutz”
 

MATTHEW LUTZ is an award-winning man, lover and highly decorated Origami Master (we’re talking full contact origami; none of that fold and admire nonsense). He’s a humble genius who has graced the pages of The Guinness Book of World Records for speaking in Haiku for 364 days straight; It would have been 365 days, but the judges mistook the last matt-lutzword of his final poem, “leave” as a direct command, and obeyed. He can bake 30-minute brownies in 23 minutes flat if he has to, but he prefers not to. He is a connoisseur of middle-shelf bourbons. Collector of authentic reproduction Volkswagen print advertisements from the 50’s and 60’s; when advertising “had real avocados”, as Lutz so eloquently puts it. He’s affiliated with over 87 secret societies; some of them, like the Sons of Motown, will kill you and all of your descendants just for printing their name. He lives with his much-taller wife, Alison, his 3 prodigy children, Lily, Declan and Finnegan, his perfectly-trained chihuahua, Chico, and his wife’s rescue dog of unknown decent (Egyptian Foulmouth?), Frenchy, who is the absolute worst. When he’s not breeding prize-winning sea monkeys, he can often be found admiring the classiest collection of sandglass art the world has ever known, which he also just so happens to own. He is currently crafting his highly anticipated first book, and somewhat less anticipated fourth child.
 
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The 5 Key Steps to Editing Your Life Story

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We Believe the Stories in Our Mind

“I’m such a procrastinator. I put off everything,” Robyn (my wife) said.

She was talking to her coach and mentor.

“What do you procrastinate about?” he asked.

“Everything,” she said.

At that moment, she was sitting in her office at work.

“Let me ask you a question. Did you get dressed this morning?”

“Yes.”

“Did you get your kids dressed?”

“Yes.”

“Did you have breakfast?”

“Yes.”

“Did you get yourself to work?”

“Yes.”

“Have you been doing your work?”

“Yes.”

The point was becoming clear.

She never has and never will procrastinate over everything. She’s not even a bad procrastinator. She’s motivated, focused, hard working, and fit. She exercises, reads, writes, and is emotionally available for her family and friends. She’s wakes up at 5am to do yoga, meditate, and plan her day.

She’s that kind of person. Yet, she suffers this belief that she’s not doing enough, because the stories we tell ourselves become our beliefs.

Beliefs become actions.

Actions determine fate.

We’re putting ourselves [and everything we love] at risk when the stories we tell ourselves become unconscious and automatic. Because it starts with a [seemingly] harmless story, but it ends with an action.

There’s something else you need to know about my wife: she’s always late.

It’s been the bane of my existence since we started dating twenty years ago.

Her habit annoyed the hell out of me because she’s so damned conscientious about everything else. It didn’t make sense.

“How come someone who has it together can’t seem to leave on time?” I would say.

Just like a compulsive smoker that can’t stop even though he stinks and wheezes, my gorgeous little wife couldn’t stop being late in spite of the repercussions. It was like she couldn’t see the pattern and how it affected everyone around her.

She believed she was a procrastinator, and her belief was reflected in her lateness.

[Note to my wife: I promise the next article will be about one of my many blindspots;)]

The great psychologist and researcher Daniel Kahneman pointed this out in his Nobel Prize winning book, Thinking: Fast and Slow.

Our brains don’t see the difference between a story and reality.

This becomes a problem when many of the thousands of stories we hold in our minds aren’t true. Kahneman also discovered that we rarely use the ‘slow’ thinking system to make rational decisions.

Stories are a kind of shortcut for the energy using process of rational thought. They allow us to make quick judgements and decisions.

Great. Everyone loves a shortcut when it works. But what if the shortcut leads you to a dead end over and over again every day for the rest of your life?

You would probably want to stop using the shortcut, or at least change the path.

Enter The Editorial Process

“The only kind of writing is rewriting.” — Ernest Hemingway

In the personal development space there’s a lot of talk about transformation and starting over, but I’ve come to believe that self-editing is more effective than starting new.

Self-editing is the process of slowly changing our belief system by changing our story. Just like the process of editing written works, it is painstaking but incredibly important work.

ManTalks speaker, Philip McKernan says, “It doesn’t matter if you think big. You have to believe big.”

We execute and act on our beliefs.

I’ve edited my personal story several times and will continue to.

I remember when, four years ago, I struggled to wake up early. No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn’t seem to get up before 7:30 or 8:00 in the morning.

I even remember saying to several of my friends, “I’m just not a morning person,” when they would ask me to do early morning things like go for a run or go to the gym.

In desperation I decided to try bringing in some accountability. I asked an early rising friend if he would mind texting me every morning at 5:30. He agreed, and I began waking up early. It was a massive struggle at first, but with every passing day it got a little bit easier.

A few months later when we moved to Jamaica, Robyn and I would leave our blinds open, and it was easy to wake up with the Caribbean sunrise every day.

I had become an early riser.

Then life happened. We moved across the world to Korea, and my old habits crept back. I hadn’t fully edited the story or cemented my belief.

Before I knew it, I was waking up at 8:00 again. I had created some powerful justification stories about getting up at 8:00.

“It’s not that late.”

“It’s one of the benefits of not working a 9 to 5.”

“I work into the evening.”

Eventually, I decided to get back to early rising. I clawed my way back to 7:00, then 6:30, 6:00, 5:30, 5:00, and finally today I wake up at 4:30.

Today I feel confident in saying I’m an early riser. It’s a part of my belief system.

This doesn’t mean those old stories will never come back or that I won’t have to continue to engage with the inner story. I will. That’s the nature of self-editing.

Take a look at any area you struggle [or succeed] with in life, and you’ll find a belief system based on one or many stories.

The 5 Keys to Editing Your Story [and Changing Your Beliefs]

1) Relax — The first thing to realize is that you’ll never get, “there.” Change to belief systems comes slowly. Many days it will feel like nothing is happening at all. Commit to the process forever.

Be wary of snake oil salesmen who offer a, “secret system to personal transformation.” You’re in this for the long haul, so chill out, do the work, and enjoy the journey.

2) Move Quickly — In total contradiction to #1 — it happens fast. When you self edit, you will be smacked in the head by truth.

Sometimes.

When those moments come, move immediately. Otherwise the old beliefs will sneak back in.

3) Take Action — You’re not Stewart Smalley.

Change doesn’t come from repeating lame affirmations in the mirror. That’s a form of magical thinking, and probably the least effective form of self editing.

Sure, you edit the story in your mind, but then you have to actually do something about it. Action forges the new story and crystallizes belief.

It’s why going back to the gym after a week off seems difficult, but if you go every day you feel less resistance.

During the break you internalize the lazy story. You’ve stopped being the person who kicks ass and become the lethargic couch potato.

The only way to beat that inner bitch is to show up every day. With each passing day the inner bitch gets weaker and you get stronger.

Editing your story only in your mind and then never taking action will result in no change. The old story will remain.

Take action. I can’t stress this enough.

4) Reframe — When you first start the process you won’t even notice the stories passing through your consciousness. They will silently control your actions.

Without knowing why, you’ll do the opposite of what you know you need to do. Rather than throwing 45-pound weights on the olympic bar for a heavy set of squats, you’ll find yourself crushing donuts like Chief Wiggum.

All because that damn story just played in your head… again.

But, with practice you’ll start to catch the story, and eventually you’ll laugh at how false it is.

Maybe the story says you’re, “not athletic,” because some asshole in the first grade punched you in the mouth and you felt weak.

When you do catch the destructive story, reframe it like this, “I was small, which doesn’t mean I wasn’t athletic. Also, that kid’s dad probably beat him with a belt every night. No wonder he was such an asshole. I wasn’t weak at all. My brain is sending me a false story.”

Then you put down the donut and go workout. Little by little you lose the story that you’re not athletic and the donut starts to look like poison — sweet delicious poison, but poison nonetheless.

The next day you’ll probably feel the call of the donut again. Reframe it again. Rinse and repeat until the story of you, the athlete, is stronger than the story of you the donut aficionado.

5) Ask Yourself, “Is this true?”

Some stories are based in reality and others are false. When you begin to see your mind as a story machine, you will soon realize that it’s constantly playing both true and false stories.

An example from my own life: for a long time I had a story that writing was hard, excruciating work.

Which meant I set myself up to experience excruciatingly difficult work every day.

Yay.

These days I still get that story sometimes, but now I immediately ask myself, “Is this true?” Then I reframe. I realize it’s a false story. This helps me remember why I love writing and that it’s a joyous process.

This awareness transforms the moment and I go on attacking my work with joy and vigor.

A Daily Practice of Self-Editing

Robyn and I talk every day about our stories and how to edit them. She helps me edit my stories, and I hers. Over the years we’ve changed many things together — things about ourselves that we thought were permanent.

I’m writing this at 5:45am after getting up for meditation and yoga at 4:30. I’m an early riser now — a successfully edited story.

There are others, though, and I will keep my red pen handy.

[For more on story editing, listen to Zander Robertson on the ManTalks Podcast.]

Zander Robertson is editor-in-chief of the Mantalks blog. He’s ghostwritten more than 20 zander-robertson-1books for major publishing houses and self publishers. Zander believes that the world turns on powerful, raw, and true stories. Read Zander’s article on the first steps to uncovering your story and/or writing your book. Email [email protected] to pitch your article idea for ManTalks.

 
 
 
 
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John Lee Dumas Interview

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John LeeEpisode: 026

John Lee Dumas interview

Introduction:
John Lee Dumas is the host and founder of Entrepreneur on Fire. He produces a podcast 7 days a week and his business podcast has been awarded Best of iTunes. John talks about his new product launch, The Freedom Journal, which focuses on achieving your goals in the next 100 days.
ManTalks Podcast on iTunes
Listen to it on iTunes
Mantalks Stitcher podcast
Listen to it on Stitcher
 
Key Takeaways:
[2:10] What is John’s favorite part about being a man?
[2:40] Who is John?
[4:30] What is The Freedom Journal about?
[6:30] Check out The Freedom Journal’s KickStarter campaign.
[7:15] At the time of the recording, John’s campaign had 1,932 backers.
[8:00] John is a big believer in F.O.C.U.S.
[8:50] John breaks down how the program is planned out.
[10:45] Focus on one goal at a time.
[11:40] What was John’s #1 challenge?
[13:00] John’s business has grown to 7 figures.
[13:50] Goal setting isn’t a solo task. You need a strong support system.
[13:55] Who are John’s mentors?
[15:30] How did John come up with the idea to host a podcast 7 days a week?
[18:10] What does success look like to John?
[20:45] How do you know you’re on the right track?
[21:45] Be authentic with yourself.
[22:50] John recommends The Slight Edge by Jeff Olson.
[24:45] Why did John choose 100 days to achieve a goal?
[26:45] Every time John hits a funding goal in KickStarter, he will donate $25k to build a school in a developing country.

Mentioned in This Episode:
The Slight Edge by Jeff Olson

 
Music Credit:
J Parlange & Latenite Automatic (jesusparlange.com – lateniteautomatic.com)
 

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How to Train Your Brain to Keep New Year’s Resolutions

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February. The Kryptonite to our New Year’s Resolutions. 

As January progresses on it’s a good time to bolster your mental fortitude in order to keep the personal changes you made as New Year’s resolutions alive.  
The trouble with resolutions is that they are surface behavioral changes. They’re like rubbing Tiger Balm on an aching muscle. Resolutions often don’t alter the underlying thought patterns that determine our decisions and produce our actions. It’s easy for anyone to change their attitude or behavior for a short period of time, the challenge comes in sustaining that practice.
The error that most of us make is that we put all of our focus only on the resolutions we set. That may sound weird, but what about looking at every other area of your life that is directly influencing that resolution?

Our Environment Will Make or Break Our New Year’s Resolutions

Changing our old ways (and sticking to your New Year’s resolutions) means eliminating things that are going to remind our brain of how we used to be. If we are in the same environments as before, then what we see, hear and experience on a daily basis will consciously and subconsciously trigger thoughts and feelings of the past.
The trouble is those thoughts and feelings are exactly what led to the negative behavior we’re trying to change. So if we stay in these environments long enough, our willpower will eventually tap out and we will naturally go back to our old ways.
Dr. Joe Dispenza wrote a great piece on the effect our environment has on our New Year’s resolutions here.
As he says, “Everything we see, hear, taste, touch and smell is an environment. The music on your phone, the interior of your car, your social, and business networks, each room of your house, the places you visit, every person in your life.”
Although we want to make changes in our lives, in reality we’re not going to be able to dramatically alter every single environment we’re in. But we can do our best to limit those external triggers from igniting those memories and pulling us back into our old way of thinking.
Here are 7 changes you can make that will keep your New Year’s resolutions on track. They may seem small on the outside, but they have a big impact inside your brain and nervous system:

  1. Avoid brain fatigue:

Get sleep and manage your energy. When we’re tired it’s harder for us to regulate our emotions. This makes us more prone to getting down on ourselves. It also makes it hard for us to maintain willpower and a positive outlook when tempted by external pressures. So make sleep and rest your number one priority, as it will be a deciding factor in your decision making.

  1. Change your morning routine:

Not long ago, I went through some health challenges which caused me to wake up every morning feeling like absolute crap. You know when you have the flu and try to get out of bed in the morning? It felt like that and went on for over a year.
The interesting thing I found was that when I finally got better, I was often waking up in a bad mood. I wasn’t my normal, motivated self. I realized through that year I’d literally trained my brain to wake up expecting to feel bad.
In order to re-train my brain to feel good, I had to do something that would immediately shift my focus and emotional state upon rising. So, I began doing cardio for 20-30 minutes every morning, using exercise as a way to release those feel good brain chemicals: endorphins, dopamine, and serotonin.
Quite quickly I noticed that I was waking up with my usual, positive outlook on life and eventually didn’t need exercise to create it anymore.
Your brain recognizes the routines and rhythms of your lifestyle. So try to shake it up by starting your day off with exercise.
For more on this, read my article in Entrepreneur magazine on the science behind creating an effective morning routine. I use these strategies with my clients to create immediate and lasting change in their lives. 

  1. Shake up your route to work:

Find ways to change everything that happens before work. Is there a different route you can take to the office? Can you leave earlier or later? Can you switch up your mode of transportation? Can you head in early to read or work on other side projects?

  1. Rearrange your place:

Look at ways you can change the interior of your house, apartment, or bedroom. Can you rearrange furniture? Put up different pictures or new art? Is it time to paint? Sometimes what we see can instantly trigger an emotional reaction even if we don’t necessarily notice it. Freshen things up and see if it either eliminates negative feelings or ignites positive ones.

  1. Load new music on your phone:

Change up your tunes to shift your mental focus in the morning, in the car or at the gym. Are there any podcasts you can start listening too? I heard ManTalks has a pretty good podcast 😉

  1. Surround yourself with new people:

One of the toughest obstacles to creating personal change is the people around you. Most find it hard to announce to their friends that they are making changes in their lives. This doesn’t necessarily mean you have to end friendships in order to stick to your resolutions. But you can begin to surround yourself with people who are doing more of what you want to be doing. Who inspires you? Who do you admire? Who do you respect?

  1. Find an accountability partner:

If you want produce the behavior you most desire, find someone to keep you in line. Share your goals and meet regularly to check up on each other. Accountability is why Uber and Airbnb work so well. Nothing will help you keep your New Year’s resolutions as well as an accountability partner.
They force us to not get complacent and slip back into our old ways. Over time this creates a brand new habit that holds itself accountable.
[For more on Graham’s disruptive performance coaching listen to him on the ManTalks podcast. And to learn about the principle of Deep Work, listen to Cal Newport on the podcast.
Graham Young
Graham Young is the founder of Disruptive Performance Coaching and contributor to TIME, Fast Company, Entrepreneur magazine and Business Insider. He creates human performance programs for business professionals and organizations that optimize the brain’s ability to minimize fatigue, elevate productivity and unleash confidence.
 
 
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Man Of The Week – Louka Parry

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Nelson Mandela once said, “Education is the most powerful weapon which you can use to change the world.” Our newest Man Of The Week is Louka Parry and he couldn’t agree more! Louka is a Director of Programs for Education Changemakers, and he saw an opportunity in leveraging education as a tool to combat societal issues, scarcities and inequalities. Louka noticed the importance of education and the positive impact it can have in empowering somebody to live a fulfilled life of purpose and passion. His dedication to impacting the education of every young person in the world, regardless of their location, is both admirable yet necessary. To get involved, be sure to check out Education Changemakers and some of the other noble causes Louka supports.
Age: 31
What do you do?
I’m now an adult educator, working to unleash teacher-led innovation and leadership. As the Director of Programs for Education Changemakers, a BCorp, we work to enable teachers to lead positive change in their schools to make sure young people have an education worth having.
Why do you do it?
I teach because I want to see a better world, one where every person can achieve their own sense of greatness. It’s clear that we need to move from a world of scarcity to one of abundance and I see education as the key lever for social change. I’m also lucky to spend time with amazing people everyday, be they passionate teachers and leaders or my wonderful colleagues. It’s hard to underplay the importance of a great team culture to do great work.
How do you make a difference in the world? (Work, business, life, family, self)
I try to live deliberately and inspire others to lead positive, fulfilling lives where they find their purpose and use their passion to follow it. I’m incredibly lucky to support teachers from a diverse range of settings to be innovative and to use their leadership gifts to serve others. In life, I try to be the best version of myself as a positive energiser and an optimist.
What are 3 defining moments in your life?
– Firstly, the day my Papou (my Greek Grandfather) died in 2001. I was 16 and it was the first significant grief I had experienced and I realized I didn’t truly know him or much about my ancestry as the first Australian born from two immigrant families. He was too proud to speak broken English and I spoke no Greek. That moment unleashed a passion for history and linguistics and five languages later, I’m still on a relentless quest to be a hyperpolyglot.
– Second, was a lecture at university that spoke about teaching in remote communities in Central Australia. That lecture forever changed my life trajectory and 12 months later, I found myself being my teaching career in the great Australian outback. It’s also where I met Jess, a fellow teacher, who is now my long-term partner.
– Third, was the day I became a school principal. I was 27 and it was to be a test of my leadership nous, but it was rewarding work and having a committed, positive team of both Aboriginal and non-aboriginal educators made all the difference to both me and the students.
What is your life purpose?
It is said in life that you make a living by what you get, but you make a life by what you give. I hope to give my best, most authentic self to the world and know with satisfaction that I’ve made a difference. I hope to collect as many profound learning experiences as possible, which is one reason I love to travel, and make a positive dent on this planet while I’m fortunate enough to be here.
How did you tap into it?
I chose teaching because I wanted to help others. Education is a social leveller and anyone can experience success if given the right support. I’m a strong believer in egalitarian ideals and meritocracy and wanted to work in service of them. After all, teaching is the profession that creates all others.
Who is your Role-Model or Mentor?
I take my inspiration from many people around me and try to use their passion to spark my own. My role-model is my Yaiyai (Greek Grandma) who died a year ago. She had incredible resilience, strength, selflessness and so much love for others. I learnt so much from her and am grateful for the sacrifice she and others made so that I could have the opportunities I’ve had in Australia. Family is really important to me and I do my best to make them proud.
Do you have any daily habits? If so, what are they?
I meditate for 20 minutes, take a run or do yoga, read, listen to Spotify and connect with friends and ideas online. I also try do at least one thing that scares me and one random act of kindness, no matter how small. If the world need more of something, it’s kindness.
When do you know your work/life balance is off?
I’m incredibly privileged to do what I love so I like to think of this balance more as life/work integration. But when I find my normal positive self becoming cynical, impatient and frustrated, I know it’s time for rebalance, especially a bit of a digital detox (I’m as addicted to technology as most people nowadays).
Vulnerability is a challenge for most men – share a vulnerable moment from your life with us. 
The moment my parents separated. It was late in my life as I was 27 but it was completely unexpected, it totally challenged my concept of marriage as a life-long commitment, something I’m still working through. Thankfully, both my parents are happier now with partners who truly fulfil them.
What did you learn from it?
That life is never linear, ignoring authenticity is never promising and honesty is always the best position. If you are not happy, you need to change something. Life is too short for anything else.
If you are or were going to be a mentor for another man, what is one piece of advice you would give him?
I know it sounds morbid but I would ask him about his death. How would he like to have impacted the world? What would he want the eulogy to be about? And how close is he from achieving these things now? I personally find this strategy helps me to realise that my day-to-day worries don’t actually amount to much, and this forces me to make sure that I’m taking advantage of every opportunity to learn, grow and be my authentic self. Our energy is precious and we need to stick with the things that really matter.
How do you be the best partner (Boyfriend/Husband- past or present)
Be kind, forgiving and a clear communicator. My partner and I live between two states, so we connect daily and see each other every other week. She’s very driven running a preschool and I’m immensely proud of her. I also try to practice self-care and mediation to be the best version of myself I can be when we are spending time together. In this information saturated world, it’s as important to tend the mind as hit the gym.
Do you support any Charities or Not-for-profits? (Which one(s) and why?)
Amnesty International, Oxfam and YGAP. I find work of Y-GAP and Spark* particularly extraordinary as they support early stage social entrepreneurs in Africa, Asia and Australia. To date their program has helped improve the lives of over 100,000 people living in extreme poverty. I routinely get involved in their campaigns, like Polishedman. Definitely check them out.
If your life had a theme song, what would it be?
During the day: Watching You Breathe by Jacoo (mainly for the epic Alan Watts sample)
After dark: Daft Punk by Pentatonix (love a good acapella medley)
Where do you see yourself in 3 years?
A wiser yet relentlessly inquisitive man, still teaching and supporting others to make positive impact. Possibly undertaking a Ph.D, in great shape, beginning a family and enjoying the challenges of this crazy life.
What legacy do you want to leave for future generations?
I’d like to have inspired the people I’ve come across to live more fulfilled lives, and ultimately to work toward a world where everyone can flourish. To have contributed to the creation of a meaningful, relevant and inspiring education for every young person, no matter their location or background.
What One book would you recommend for any Man?
Linchpin by Seth Godin. Epic read.
If you know a Man that is making a positive impact on the world, we would love to hear from you! Contact us at [email protected]
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These 3 Expressions Will Destroy Your Sex and Love Life

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Change Your Language to Change Your Thoughts Around Sex and Love

A good male friend recently confessed to me something that, I believe, many men secretly think. He said,“If I meet a girl and after a few hours she’s already willing to have sex, I am disappointed. I can’t help thinking that she’s doing it with many other men – she’s just fucking around.” But I’ve come to believe that nothing is more dangerous for our sex and love lives than the negative way we think and speak.
It was the Nth time I had heard this comment about someone, but the derogatory charge behind those words hit me. I had to bring my friend’s attention to his words. This led to a deep and honest discussion about sexuality and relationships.
Often stopping for a moment to think about what we just said about intimacy can give us a valuable sneak peek into our subconscious ideas and values. The language we use around sex and love is especially charged. It expresses and conditions our attitude towards sex and love.
Here’s a few examples of negatively charged expressions we use abundantly, often without realizing the implications.

“He/She is just fucking around.”

Even in our, “sexually liberated” times, we still negatively judge anyone who lives his or her sexuality with multiple people. We consider any relationship that’s not strictly monogamous to be impure and lowly.
The term, “fucking around” reflects our fear and judgment of sexual promiscuity. It summons images of objectification, low respect, and zero emotional connection.
But this is a lot to assume, especially when speaking about anyone else but ourselves. Even is someone wants to explore sexuality with as many people as possible, isn’t that a positive way to spread sexual and emotional energy among many different people?
Like a sexual butterfly.
Experience shows that many intelligent, deep, loving, and caring people have done exactly this at some point of their lives.

“She’s easy.”

Sexually negative judgments are particularly severe towards women.
The definition of easy is, “free from worries or problems”. Sounds great, right? And indeed, easy is good in virtually all contexts of life. Having an easy life, being an easy person, taking it easy, easing up – we all like that.
How come then, that being an, “easy woman” is immoral and shameful? Why should a woman refrain from having an uncomplicated and easy sexual life, if she wants to?
With this expression, we may be unconsciously suggesting that we prefer women to be full of worries and problems around sexuality. This becomes so ingrained, that women will often even judge themselves harshly for desiring uncomplicated, “easy” intimate encounters.

“He/She has been cheating on him/her.”

This expression conjures dark stories of evil, cunning and deceit, such as the ones we see in movies and books. In the media, there is always a clear-cut judgment of everyone involved in a “cheating” episode: the victim, the perpetrator, and the accomplices are all designed to be either good or evil.
But reality has a way of escaping these simplistic projections. The “unfaithful wife” may turn out to be a loving and caring woman that tries to do her best to keep her emotional life healthy.
We may discover that the “cheating husband” adores his wife and family, while still needing emotional and sexual diversity. True, cheating implies that an agreement has been broken. But often, we realize that the problem lies more in the rigidness of the agreement itself, its inability to cope with the changes in our lives, rather than in the immorality of the people involved.

Changing Our Language Around Sex and Love

Although we don’t necessarily need to radically change our way of speaking about intimacy and relationships, bringing awareness to it never hurts. The temptation to negatively judge someone else’s love life can be very strong, but it is unlikely to produce any beneficial results, other than reinforcing our anger and righteousness.
So here is a practical suggestion: let’s be attentive to the negatively charged expressions we may use around sexuality and love. Most often, these expressions reveal an unnecessary negative bias of someone else’s life. At the very least, bringing awareness to them can give us an insight into our hidden fears and sore spots.
One day, we might even decide to get such expressions out of our vocabulary and open our minds and hearts to the incredible diversity that human beings have to experience connection, intimacy and sexuality.
[For more on sex and relationships, listen to the ManTalks Podcast]
Raffaello Manacorda (but you can call him Raffa, he likes that) is a Tantra teacher, author, and coach. After graduating with a degree in Philosophy, he spent more than a decade living in raffa_200x200alternative communities and working as a radical activist. He discovered Tantra early in his twenties, and then went on to explore the deep secrets of sex and spirit. He is the creator of The Network of Love, an international workshop on conscious relationships, and a regular columnist for The Elephant Journal. His current obsession is human evolution in all of its aspects, and he loves to rant about Tantra, sexuality, and conscious relationships.
Website: http://fragmentsofevolution.org
Connect with Raffa on Facebook, Youtube, or Twitter
Join the private ManTalks Facebook Community to discuss this article and all issues related to modern men and masculinity. Facebook not your thing? Sign up to the ManTalks newsletter. Every week we’ll send you an email with the best articles and interviews we published that week.

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Rules for Focused Success in a Distracted World with Cal Newport

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Cal NewportEpisode: 025

What does it mean to be in a state of ‘deep work’? Cal Newport explains on this episode.

Introduction:
Calvin Newport is an Assistant Professor of Computer Science at Georgetown University and has authored four books. Cal’s latest book, Deep Work, touches on the ability to focus intently on cognitively demanding tasks without distractions. Cal explains how we can use different methods to develop this deep work skill in order to become our most productive selves.
Paul is also the ManTalks ‘Man of the Week’ – which you can read all about here.
ManTalks Podcast on iTunes
Listen to it on iTunes
Mantalks Stitcher podcast
Listen to it on Stitcher
 
 
Key Takeaways:
[2:10] What does Cal do?
[3:35] Cal talks about his latest book, Deep Work.
[4:25] How does Cal personally use ‘deep work’?
[7:45] What’s the difference between deep work and state of flow or focus?
[9:05] Deep work is a skill. You have to practice deep work to get better at it.
[10:55] Chronic multi-taskers have lost their ability to completely focus 100% on a single task.
[12:20] How does Cal get into a deep work state?
[14:10] Cal shuts down his professional thinking in the evening.
[15:45] What kind of agreements does Cal have with his wife?
[19:10] Having a ritual or a routine helps you get into the right mental state.
[21:05] Cal briefly touches on four rules that can help with your habits.
[25:10] What kind of challenges does Cal face?
[28:50] What does Cal mean by embrace boredom?
[31:30] What is deep work versus what is not deep work?
[33:25] How can someone apply deep work in an office setting?
[38:00] How can managers effectively teach deep work in an office setting?
[39:30] Why does Cal write books?
[40:20] What drives Cal?
[41:50] What’s the best advice Cal has received?
[43:45] What kind of legacy would Cal like to leave behind?
[44:10] What does it mean to be a man today?

Mentioned in This Episode:
So Good They Can’t Ignore You by Cal Newport.
Deep Work by Cal Newport.

 
Music Credit:
J Parlange & Latenite Automatic (jesusparlange.com – lateniteautomatic.com)
 

Tweetables: 
“Deep work is a skill, not a habit. You have to practice at it to be better at it.”
“There are tons of tools that are useful, but focus on the ones that give you the most value.”
“Turning off Facebook and Twitter notifications is the first place to start.”
 
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Why Men Set Goals (And Why That Might Not Be Serving You)

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Every Friday morning ManTalks superstars Connor Beaton and Roger Nairn appear on Roundhouse radio to talk men’s issues. This week they talked goal setting and New Year’s Resolutions.

Have you struggled with your goals in the past? Have you made New Year’s Resolutions only to realize a day, week, or month later that you weren’t actually committed to the goal?

This short radio segment will help you understand why.

Click here to listen.

For additional listening on this topic, download the ManTalks podcast episode 23 with Roger Nairn and Connor Beaton, where they discuss the most effective way to reflect on a year past and create intentions and goals for a new year.

Check out the episode here.

Subscribe and download the ManTalks podcast on iTunes or Stitcher. Remember to rate the show and leave us a review. Let’s redefine what it means to be a man.

Join our private Facebook community for open, honest, and impactful conversations about the issues that matter most to men.

 

Man Of The Week – Paul Davidescu

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Our first Man Of The Week for 2016 is Paul Davidescu, a local talent who co-founded Tangoo Entertainment Inc, a website and mobile application that allows users to consider moods and occasions to create the perfect dining experience in social settings. What started off as a mere idea to bring the right people together, Paul and his team have taken Tangoo to new heights where they have been featured on Dragon’s Den and CTV, to name just a few. Paul’s obsession with people and inspiring others to connect drove him to tweak his approach to growing Tangoo, where today he is an active member of the UBC Alma Matter and is constantly looking to see how he can integrate the next generation of talented and driven students into shaping the future of Tangoo and the dining experiences in Vancouver.
You can also listen to our interview with Paul on the ManTalks Podcast.
Age: 26
What do you do? (Work):
I’m the CEO of Tangoo, a free iOS app that matches your mood to the perfect restaurant experience. We work on fulfilling our mantra of creating memorable connections both between people and between consumers and businesses.
Why do you do it?
I am obsessed with bringing the right people together in memorable ways that make them happy and inspired to help each other make a maximum impact in the world. One of the most accessible and genuine ways to bring people together is by breaking bread at the dining table – something we all have in common.
By inspiring people to safely break the status quo of where they go out, we help them create new experiences that result in more memorable stories between themselves and the connections they most value in life. Deep relationships are a function of shared stories and with the tap of a button we provide a turnkey solution to create these micro-stories on the go, never settling for less than a memorable outing.
Proprietors are constantly looking to connect with the right customers by providing the most memorable experience possible. However, without being able to easily differentiate their brand, market to the right people, and build a relationship with customers, they are drowned in the competition. By focusing on the positives, Tangoo helps restaurants uniquely market what they do best today to the people that most appreciate it. We help them do it intelligently and safely without compromise of their brand.
How do you make a difference in the world? (Work, business, life, family, self)
I make a difference in the world by inspiring and connecting people.
Inspiring People:
I believe that inspiring people is best accomplished through leading by example and sharing how others can do it as well. You can demonstrate impact both through business success but also through storytelling to show people that success is also well within their reach if they follow their passions. By running a business that allows me to maximize impact to all my stakeholders coupled with the opportunity to be able to tell my story through amazing mediums like ManTalks, helps me do my part to inspire.
Connecting people to inspire each other:
Connecting people I believe is the ultimate way I make a difference. Throughout my entrepreneurial journey of making people’s social lives better, I have had the privilege of getting to know large amounts of people in meaningful ways. This has allowed me to connect the dots quickly and introduce people in ways that add high value whether it is meeting an entrepreneur with the same problems, a new friend in a new city, or a mentor who has already tackled a challenge they are facing today.
Nothing helps someone conquer uncharted territory more than by connecting with someone who has either done it, or is doing it right now. People need each other for inspiration and knowledge and I believe there are still many ways in which this process can be streamlined.
What are 3 defining moments in your life?
1) I was broken down by anxiety and self-doubt in my first year of business school. It was a dark time where I wasn’t sure if I was going to make it out. With support from my close network and a newfound trust in my body to pull through this hard time, I became more humble, open for help, and confident in myself.
2) Tangoo didn’t start as a mobile app, we started by bringing people together through progressive dinners that involved people connecting across multiple restaurants in one evening. While this aligned with our mission of creating memorable offline connections between people, the business model wasn’t scaleable. We decided to pivot and reinvent the old model to go mobile coincidentally the night before a 300-person pitch at Launch Academy Demo Day – sometimes pressure makes you do bold things. We were terrified but determined to go all in. To our surprise, we won Demo Day and proved to our peers that big risks do pay off. Nothing better equips you to take on big risks than a magical experience like this.
3) Dragons’ Den was defining because of the profound learning and personal growth process it took us through both leading up to the pitch, all the way until it aired across Canada. Firstly, the process of learning our business inside out and pitching to increasingly bigger crowds of people across the community made us stronger than we would have ever imagined. To have seemingly “failed” on the show by not making a deal, we took it as a challenge to prove to people that before our airdate seven months later, we would ship our product and raise more investment at a better valuation off the show than on it. It all came together on November 26, 2014 in front of our 500-person Dragons’ Den viewing party. The episode was luckily cut in a flattering way and people were inspired by the way we used an uncertain and seemingly negative situation to fuel us to new heights. It taught both our team and community about the power of a positive attitude.
What is your life purpose?
To connect and inspire people. I always ensure that the way I make a difference (covered in question #4) in my day-to-day life connects with my underlying life purpose.
How did you tap into it?
As mentioned earlier, I have been lucky enough to tap into it through Tangoo am able to connect and inspire my team, customers, and partners. Through media and great community word of mouth, I have been able to share my journey so far through media opportunities (listen to a recent one on Roundhouse Radio) and public speaking opportunities. Nothing is more fulfilling than sharing my story to observe how it inspires current and aspiring entrepreneurs to break through their challenges and uncertainties.
Who is your Role-Model or Mentor?
I have many mentors who guide me in different angles of life and through different types of problems. This is one great benefit I have been able to get from meeting so many inspiring people. On the personal end of things, it has to be my brother Jon, cousin Sam Sosa, and parents who are very grounded on many personal aspects I fight to improve while I balance them out with a demanding business. There are too many to count on the startup end of things but to names a handful who have been particularly instrumental, they are: Cameron Stewart, Henry Heeney, Peter Smyriotis, Steve Bell-Irving, Severine Arnaud, Mike Tan, Jayesh Parmar, Sean Pacey, and Nigel Tunnacliffe.
Mentors who inspire me and whom I have not all met (yet) are people like Tony Robbins & Tim Ferris (personal growth innovators), Brian Chesky (Airbnb CEO), and Simon Sinek (TED Speaking legend whom I was lucky enough to meet this summer).
Do you have any daily habits? If so, what are they?
If I have a productive week with not so many late-night events I like to get an early start with the following routine:
– Up at 5AM
– Drink a big glass of water
– 20 minutes of reading
– 90 minutes of focused attention on something that requires intense focus and/or is very uncomfortable to do like accounting, writing business plans, goal setting or a blog post.
– A swim or run followed by 10-minutes of body weight exercises before my shower
– A healthy breakfast complemented by an episode of How I Met Your Mother
– 5-10 minutes of meditation
Throughout the day, I try to make sure I listen to a podcast as I am walking in between meetings and when I am stationary waiting for a bus, I’ll read a book or tune into what’s happening in current events. It’s an amazing way to optimize your time and learning.
I am a very introspective person and find that handy journaling apps like Day One help you gather your thoughts to be able to look back to observe how much you have grown. Now, these are all mainly habits of how to be ultra productive but ones I am working on now are how to stay in touch with my personal needs and support network around me. 2016 will be a big opportunity to build better habits in my personal life that might be overshadowed by my professional life.
When do you know your work/life balance is off?
To be honest, it’s always going to be a bit off when you run a startup. But times when I realize it’s getting a little out of control are when I feel overwhelmed, stressed, and angry. I also hear about it from my network through patterns of feedback that seem to best process in my brain when I start hearing something more than once…it’s super important to take clues from your body and from your daily interactions with people to keep this in check.
Vulnerability is a challenge for most men – share a vulnerable moment from your life with us.
Vulnerable moments are usually your most defining ones. Besides the vulnerabilities from my 3 most defining moments I shared earlier, I have had various pockets of them ranging from breakups, bullying, breeches of trust from people I have brought close into my team, and scary moments of overexerting myself physically.
What did you learn from it?
If I had to boil them into a theme it would revolve around the idea of learning how to make personal growth hacks. Moments of vulnerability that look inescapable make you much more grateful, careful, and confident than ever before after you manage to survive them. I see vulnerabilities as prime opportunities to grow as a person and also to have a strong reason to open up your mind to new people and resources the world has to offer.
If you are or were going to be a mentor for another man, what is one piece of advice you would give him?
One can be a mentor to people in so many ways so this is a tough thing to boil down to one thing. Most of my mentoring experiences have been around helping early entrepreneurs get off on the right foot so I commonly find that there are understandably many insecurities and uncertainties an entrepreneur has to overcome. I usually advise that they do the following:
– Find out your Why. What drives you? What makes you passionate? This must be your north star.
– Don’t play hero. There are many people and resources out there happy to help and pay it forward only if you ask. Learn how to ask.
– Focus on always growing as a person. It’s essential to do before you can expect to really grow your startup and life happiness.
– Turn problems and vulnerabilities into opportunities and learnings. If you don’t, they will never go away.
– Find things that make you feel happy and empowered and don’t forget to make them habits.
How do you be the best partner (Boyfriend/Husband- past or present)
This is a question I hope to build great expertise in soon, as I have not been in any long-term romantic relationships. However, from the experiences I have had with other kinds of partnerships, it’s all about growing together, being empathetic, and not being afraid to be vulnerable. The best partners know exactly how to help each other grow and pull themselves out of tough situations. At the same time, it’s about being spontaneous and being able to create great excitement out of everyday things such as going out for dinner – thank goodness there’s an app for that 😉
Do you support any Charities or Not-for-profits? (Which one(s) and why?)
This is an opportunity to recognize some local Vancouver startups that are managing to do some amazingly innovative things with social entrepreneurship to inspire giving from the masses. One’s I have had the greatest opportunity to personally follow are Change Heroes, Chimp, Whisky Wisemen, and MealShare. Whether it is crowd sourcing how the masses builds schools or how they fight world hunger, what I love about these social enterprises is how they have made it incredibly fun and easy for the masses to give back.
If your life had a theme song, what would it be?
This was fun to Google. I would say a mashup of Bon Jovi’s “Its My Life”, Corey Hart’s “Never Surrender”, and R. Kelly’s “I Believe I Can Fly” sums it up pretty well.
Where do you see yourself in 3 years?
As I start to reach the tipping point in both my business and personal growth, I see myself continuing to power Tangoo and/or similar companies like it that focus on solving problems around discovering experiences, dating, personal growth, and helping startup companies reach their potential. I would like to take my public speaking, mentoring, and self-publishing passions to new heights and to different parts of the world.
On a personal side, I see myself making great strides in giving back to my body through increased triathlon training and personal development. I also would like to unleash the travel bug I caught when I lived in Barcelona by travelling the world with those closest to me to continue to build our relationships and the micro-stories that bring us closer together.
What legacy do you want to leave for future generations?
I believe that ones legacy is a result of how much impact and inspiration they leave behind. I hope that through my commitment to create companies, stories, and schools dedicated to connecting people and fulfilling human potential, my legacy will be one that inspires others to work towards making theirs count as well.
What One book would you recommend for any Man?
How To Win Friends And Influence Others – Dale Carnegie. A classic handbook for you to know how to manage and understand people in the most basic of ways. An honourable mention is to read Never Eat Alone by Keith Ferrazzi which talks about the importance of managing your network – see the rest on my reads on my Goodreads.com profile.
 
If you know a Man that is making a positive impact on the world, we would love to hear from you! Contact us at [email protected]

Authentic Goal Setting with Paul Davidescu

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Paul DavidescuEpisode: 024

Paul talks on how you can better manage and stick to your new goals.

Introduction:
Paul Davidescu is the co-founder of Tangoo Entertainment Inc. Tangoo is both a web and mobile app that takes moods, occasion, and social graph, to craft the perfect outing of restaurants and venues tailored to social contexts. The app has also been featured on Global TV, CTV, and the Dragons’ Den. Paul talks to the guys on the subject of setting authentic goals for your self and how you can bring value to others.
Paul is also the ManTalks ‘Man of the Week’ – which you can read all about here.
ManTalks Podcast on iTunes
Listen to it on iTunes
Mantalks Stitcher podcast
Listen to it on Stitcher
Tweetables:
“To inspiring entrepreneurs, it doesn’t matter what your initial project is, because it’ll change in many ways.”
“There’s so many different ways to attack a single problem.”
“People often overvalue their ideas and undervalue who they are as a human being.”
Key Takeaways:
[2:35] What does Paul do?
[4:55] How did Paul get started as an entrepreneur?
[7:10] What are the key things you need to become a successful entrepreneur?
[11:00] How can you bring people together in memorable ways?
[13:50] Validate that what you think is a problem, is indeed a real problem for others.
[15:10] Paul has never really set goals before.
[16:00] Some people need goals, whereas others don’t.
[19:40] Paul shares on how he discovered a reliable way for him to set and stick to his goals.
[24:30] How do you plan goals ten years ahead?
[27:25] Sometimes plans change, so have a vision and set 1–5 year goals.
[29:55] Very strict goals can be counteractive.
[36:15] How do you show up for your team?
[40:05] Say no to people who won’t bring you value.
[41:55] Paul talks on how you can bring value to other people.
[54:30] It’s a big mistake trying to withhold your great idea.
[56:10] What does it mean, for Paul, to be a man today?
[1:01:20] What kind of legacy would Paul like to leave behind?
[1:03:55] What is Paul excited for in the upcoming months and the new year?

Mentioned In This Episode:
The Lean Startup by Eric Ries
Bold by Peter Diamandis and Steven Kotler

 
Music Credit:
J Parlange & Latenite Automatic (jesusparlange.com – lateniteautomatic.com)
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If want to support the show and help others find the show please LEAVE US AN ITUNES REVIEW! 
http://bit.ly/22HyGqv
Connect with the show on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/ManTalks.ca/ , Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/mantalks/ and Twitter: https://twitter.com/man_talks.
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